The Script & The Sherpa

Episode Report Card
admin: C+ | Grade It Now!
Meat Is Murder

Turtle is going to the pool to see some of those lovely animal products. Vince minds? But not really. More than anything, he would like some pot, so did Turtle call Black Hack Tino? Yeah, he's got nothing. BECAUSE THERE'S NO POT IN THE WHOLE UNIVERSE. This is the "only one bathroom" of this episode and they just keep sandpapering the scab every five seconds. Drama says that Fiona has been in the house for three days and that Vince is bending the rules (three is more than two except in fucking Utah). Vince is like, "I made the rules." Okay, you actually at some point said only three days for a girl? Eric wants to change the subject in case there's a clause about not sleeping "off-campus" that he didn't know about, but Drama says it's a "lifestyle issue" because: "Did you see the picture of the swami in the bathroom?" THE ONE BATHROOM WHICH SHE DECORATED IN THE LAST THREE DAYS? WHERE THERE IS ALSO NO POT? Vince laughs that it's her "guru" and Drama simply does not like the way "he looks at me when I'm pissing." Eric tells Vince how awesome the script is, but Fiona's naked voice drifts out of nowhere like "Vince! I need you!" and Vince's all, "All she wants to do is fuck," and he runs off and for some reason Drama and Eric start crying like babies. Where's Turtle? At the pool with Fiona who can be all over the house at once? Lots of Fionas. You are in the Fiutrix. If only she could be the bathroom and multiply herself. But really? I think maybe girls on this show kind of are, like, the bathroom. Only there's way more of them.

Naked Fiona and Vince are naked and doing stupid face tantra sit there naked not touching sex. It's distracting because there's break-beat sitar music and one thousand candles and I didn't really ever want to see Vince's pubic hair ever and she has terrible posture for a supposed yoga person and I just found Vince's pubic hair in my Red Bull. Eric yells through the door about did you read that script and Vince doesn't have time for tantra or a woman's needs, so they fuck.

Then there are motorcycles, because if this show is making me homophobic? Imagine what it's doing to Joe Q. Public. Shauna hands over the Uggs and Turtle asks if they're authentic because it's so timely and amazing and Drama Queer-Eyes randomly about how you can tell and it's dumb and Paris Hilton did this on TRL a few weeks ago, only not with Uggs, because that was her grandmother on TRL back when it was just a radio show. Turtle is sent to sassy blonde assistant of Shauna to thank her, and he tells Kristy (because TV 101? Always name your characters identical things, like Kristy, Kristen, Chris, Chrissie and Christopher. That way nobody gets confused) that he'd like to give her a full body massage and she says she'd prefer a stun gun and really? Do you have to have both Turtle and Eric crushing on the assistant of the actual people? Like I bet next week Marvin the business manager has an elderly assistant named Irma or Edna that's perfect for Drama and they are in love out of nowhere. Eric comes down and gives Shauna hell about how he didn't authorize this publicity stunt with the motorcycles and she's his publicist, not you! Dick! And she called back after he told her that and Turtle told her it was okay and that he talked to Vince, and she says that that's all she cares about, what Vince wants, "so don't fuck with me like you're fucking with Ari, Eric." End of discussion, and I love Eric, but she's right, and it's pretty awesome. Shauna rules, and it makes me think about a lot of things, like how maybe this show's more complicated the longer it goes on because Eric was all saintly and shit and now every episode takes him down one more peg to the point where one day he'll realize what a joke he is to them. And then I realize it's still a shitty show so this is probably an accident on Marky Mark's part. Even a broken clock is right twice a day.

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