The Spanish Teacher

Episode Report Card
admin: C- | Grade It Now!
Livin' La Vida Lima

Smear back to the present, where Figgins lets us all know that Mrs. Hagberg's long-awaited retirement from a tenured position means that the tenure track has now opened up for one of her younger colleagues, and no, that's not how tenure works in public schools at all, and no, I have no idea why I'm allowing myself to get bogged down by petty, stupid details such as this so early in this episode, so I'm just gonna speed through the remainder of this scene to yank out the bits of actual importance, such as they are: Long story short, The Maharishi for some reason would love to offer Will tenure, but the lousy evaluations Will's been getting from his students as of late might force Figgins to pass that tenure on to some other teacher. "You've got to turn it around in the class!" The Maharishi emphasizes. "Okay, so how do I do that?" Will blurts back, eager to please. "You're a Spanish teacher," Figgins shrugs. "Maybe you should try learning Spanish." There's an idea. Also: Title card.

The camera snaps open on an adult continuing education session being held in one of McKinley's classrooms, presumably that evening. Will has joined a motley assortment of middle-aged suburban types in the desks, and one of the women present waves her hand around in the air to snag the attention of "Señor Martinez" up at the blackboard. "You can call me David," Señor Martinez affably replies, turning to flash us all a dazzling smile, and it's Ricky Martin, and wow. I never thought it would have been possible, but this show just got about three zillion times gayer than it ever had been before. Also, Ricky Martin's hair has been quiffed up to absolutely ludicrous heights for this evening's presentation, and even though I've never been what you could call a fan of the gentleman, and even though my better instincts are currently screaming at me to resist, I have to admit I'm finding both Ricky Martin and his hair absolutely adorable at the moment. God help me. God help us all.

In any event, there follows a lengthy PSA on the topic of America's Rapidly Changing Demographics, or whatever, after which Ricky Martin instructs his students on the proper way to address their Latino dentists. Soon enough, the class ends, and Will invites Ricky Martin to The Teachers' Lounge After Dark for some coffee and conversation, and no, "coffee and conversation" is not a euphemism for something filthy, so get your sick, pervert minds out of the gutter already. During the lengthy -- and I do mean lengthy -- chit-chat that follows, we learn that Ricky Martin recently abandoned his ragingly successful career as a professional tooth model in favor of pursuing his longtime dream of teaching, but as the ongoing economic crisis has forced all local school districts to slash their budgets to the bone, he's thus far only been able to secure a position in McKinley's GED program. They also talk about Inspiring The Children and something called "duende," but I pretty much stopped paying attention about halfway through. I do know, however, that by the end of it all, Will's stumbled across yet another one of his brilliant ideas. This should suck.

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