The Tension! The Tears! The Predictability!

Episode Report Card
admin: C | Grade It Now!
California Dreamin'

It's Jillion's turn. The narrator tells us that she's very talented and she knows it, but she thinks she's ugly, so that's a problem. Jillion tells us that she's always been self-conscious about her hair and makeup as we see her pile on so much lipstick and blue eyeshadow that Divine has to turn away. We watch Jillion sing at the Saddest Karaoke Bar in the land with her parents and (I'm assuming) sisters. She sings "What's Up" as she tells us that she knows she's not the prettiest one, and that she likes karaoke because it's not about talent, but just about having fun. She's wrong. It's all about the stage show. You can't just stand there staring at the screen. That's what you do in your living room. We don't want to watch that. I think Jillion's got a tattoo on her back and I just caught it. I wonder if her parents bought that for her when she turned twelve. Jillion tells us that she knows there are millions of other people out there just as talented as she is who want success just as badly as she does, but that this might be her time. The karaoke bar erupts in thunderous applause as if Whitney Houston just stopped in for a quick number.

Jaymes holds up a picture of Jillion to Crapcock and PseudoTravis and gives them a quiz: "This girl needs a..." "Makeover!" they all correctly reply, in unison. Then they all say that Jillion sings "incredibly good [sic]," and that she's the best singer they've seen. Then they argue about how close to Christina Aguilera she sounds, without actually going over. Because she's not Christina. Good Lord, this girl isn't Christina. Then Jaymes says she knows that Jillion's got tons of talent, but she doesn't know whether it's enough talent to bring her to the workshop. Really? Why? You just said she was the best singer you saw, didn't you? Oh, forget it. PseudoTravis calls Jillion and tells her that they saw lots of people with lots of talent and he wants to "really tell [her]" that they're inviting her to the workshop. Jillion's family screams. They all scream and hug. He said he wanted to "really tell [her]." Not fake telling her, or only half telling her. He really told her, y'all.

"At this point, all the remaining hopefuls are talented," explains the narrator. At what point? The point after Jillion and FM are asked to go to the workshop? What the hell does that mean? I hate Crapcock's glasses.

They start arguing over the tall jock guy who can dance but not sing so well, even though they don't tell us that's who they're talking about. Jaymes starts yelling about something, but the scene is edited together so shitty it's impossible to know what they're talking about.

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