The Two

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Mr. Sandman, bring me a clue

Ah, autumn. The crisp leaves, the sharp air, the scent of softly burning hair -- goddamn cigarette! Ow! Julio! Get Mommy a damp cloth and a kegger of Ketel One! And give that no-good boyfriend of mine a poke -- no, not THAT kind of poke! This recap's about to start and I'm bound to need me some naked Ethan Embry distraction. Oh, don't you scowl at me, cabana boy! He just LOOKS thirteen!

Sigh. Another autumn, another season of Spy Barbie, Spy Daddy, Captain Cuckoo-for-Coconuts, and our faithful First Mate Forehead. Welcome to Season Three of Alias, my little chickadees; it's time to start drinking.

Previously on Season Two of Alias: Syd and Vaughn fell in lurve and made out. Sloane put together a Rambaldi machine and tortured Syd over a cell phone. Syd and Francinator had the Best. Girl fight. EVER. Syd killed Francinator and passed out, then woke up in an alley in Hong Kong, then wound up in a safe house. Then her boyfriend came to visit. And was wearing a ring. Oh. No. Syd discovered that she'd been missing almost two years, and that she was thought to be dead. Thus endeth the flashback.

With a little fade out and fade in action, we're in the season premiere itself. Vaughn tells Syd that there was a fire at her apartment and that Will survived. Right. He survived. And Bradley Cooper doesn't have a three-picture deal at Miramax or anything. We get a shot of Dixon walking through a burned-out building. As Vaughn voice-overs to Syd that there were remains and that the DNA was a match, we're treated to a shot of a totally devastated Vaughn, wearing all black (yum!) and slumped against a wall, crying. Michael Vartan really shouldn't cry in public. It's about as pretty as when I cry in public and, well, let's just say that resemble Strawberry Shortcake on acid when I cry, okay?

Back in the safe house, Vaughn whispers to Syd, "You were dead." Syd holds her emotions and just goes, "And…you got married?" "I did," he says. God. What a toolbox. I'm sorry. He drops the married bomb and all he can say is, "I did"? Fuck that. He's a spineless piece of plankton, dudes. Syd sort of painfully and ironically smiles, and I half expect her to go, "Yeah, well, congratulations, YOU BITCH!" But she doesn't. She's too busy fighting back the tears to come up with appropriate insults.

Vaughn goes on to say that the CIA asked him to come to Hong Kong, because they thought it would be best if she were introduced to the Agency by someone from her life before. Syd, to her credit, doesn't start bawling. I think J.J. read my memo on this. Instead, she just wonders why the CIA didn't send Spy Daddy. Vaughn just says, "I can't answer that. I chose not to stay with the CIA after your death." Um, okay. He's a teacher now. Um, OKAY. A teacher of what subjects? How To Fall In Love With Your CIA Operative Without Getting Caught 101? Methods Of Cultivating Forehead Wrinkles In Times Of Distress 205? Jesus.

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