Survivor
They’re Back!

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Tina Tumbles

Jeff explains that when the tribes arrive at their respective beaches, the only thing they'll find is a single machete at each camp that they'll all have to share. Eeew, sharing! Jeff refers to this as "the least amount of supplies ever given," and that particular turn of phrase just pings my grammatical radar for reasons I can't articulate. Jeff wonders aloud whether these people will have learned from their past mistakes, or whether their old habits will come back and bite them. When he talks about being "doomed to repeat" their mistakes, they show Jerri, which is kinda funny. He also wonders whether old relationships will come back to haunt or help them, and surprisingly, we do not cut to Ethan or any of his copious exes. That seems like a missed opportunity, snarky-editing-wise. We now are flying alongside Jeff's helicopter as he leans out the side. "Thirty-nine days, eighteen All-Stars, one survivor," he says. And then his helicopter peels away from us in a shot that makes him look like an enormous bad-ass, because he is high up indeed. I mean, I'm sure he's strapped in to within an inch of his life with forty-seven ropes and a hook screwed into his hipbone, but still. Great shot.

Credits. The music is very odd. It kind of sounds like an elaborate Foley artist prank.

We swoop across the gorgeous greenery and water until we return to the boats. Jeff is ready to tell us who the All-Stars actually are, in case you haven't been on the internet in the last five months. On the Mogo Mogo tribe are the odious, boobalicious, and intolerably vain winner of Amazon; Kathy Vavrick-O'Brien, also known as the notorious P-E-E, of Marquesas; Hatch; Colby, shoulders shoulders shoulders shoulders and shoulders, of Outback ["Still love him, I have to say" -- Wing Chun]; the unsettling Lex, of Africa; and Shii Ann, the self-appointed Queen Bitch of Thailand. We see them all give hugs when they arrive on the beach, and something about watching Hatch hug Jenna Morasca makes me want to bleach something. Like, you know, my entire life.

The Saboga tribe includes Good Old Rudy, of Pulau Tiga (which they're calling "Borneo," for some reason); Tina, the goody-goody winner of Outback; Jenna Lewis, the Pretty Perky Princess of "Borneo"; the really very squicky Ethan, quasi-angelic winner of Africa; proto-bitch Jerri, of Outback; and Rupert. Freaking Rupert. Because allowing me to go more than a month without seeing him would apparently have been too damn much to ask. Bastards. They hate me.

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Survivor

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