Things To Do Today

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Uncle Bob's To Do List

Commercials. Over at the Grammy Awards, Train has just won the award for "Band Most Likely To Be Saying 'You Wanna Hot Apple Pie With That?' In Five Years Or Less." The camera pans over the crowd and it's really nice to see Boy George in the crowd. What with his heroin addiction and fall from grace, it's good to see that...oh. My bad. It's not Boy George, it's the date of the lead singer from Linkin Park. Looks like somebody has a little transvestite fetish working overtime.

Ed runs out onto the sidewalk, looking like he wants to kick some freshly-smooched-by-his-latest-girlfriend guy's ass. The guy's kinda in shock as Jennifer admits that she doesn't know him...she just kissed him. The guy introduces himself as Francis. Ed thinks this is getting a bit weird. Ed's hot for a girl that won't quit kissing strangers on the street. I've been there, Ed. Dating a psycho is hardly fun unless she shares her medication. Francis excuses himself before Ed fixes him a knuckle sandwich with mayo. Ed asks Jennifer what's going on, and Jennifer says that she likes Ed, but that this is who she is -- namely, a raving lunatic. Another man walks up and asks Jennifer if she's the girl who kissed him the other day. She admits that she was. The reason she kissed this latest guy is because one of the items on her "to do" list was to kiss a stranger with a mustache. The guy grins, smoothes his mustache, and says, "I knew this baby would pay off!" Ed's a wee bit perturbed by all of this and turns to leave. Jennifer tells him not to. Ed asks, "Why not?" and leaves anyway.

Warren's sitting in Jackass's office alone and trembling. It's obviously his first time in the principal's office. Jackass walks in and takes a seat at his desk. Warren says that he knows why he's there in the office, and that he shan't be intimidated by Jackass's tactics. Jackass is confused by the word "shan't." Jackass stares at Warren, so Warren squeals out the words "First Amendment." He then delivers a well-rehearsed speech to the effect that he's protected under his First Amendment rights to show the video of Jackass and Carol sucking tongue on the school's TV station. Jackass tells Warren that he doesn't give a rat's ass if Warren shows it or not. Warren can't believe that the principal just used the word "ass" in a student's presence, and dubs him one of those "cool" principals that curses in front of the students instead of fondling them in coat closets. Jackass tells Warren that Carol's the one who doesn't want Warren to show it, and that before Warren decides to broadcast the video, he should think about what he'd be doing to Carol. Warren agrees to think about it, and then asks Jackass if the two of them can hang out together sometime. Jackass doesn't think so, and excuses Warren. Warren says, "Catch you later" with a newfound respect for the Jackass; Jackass responds, "Get out, Warren."

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