Things To Do Today

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Uncle Bob's To Do List

The next morning, we're backstage at the TV station, where MegaMark is yelling at a kid to "Make me pretty, Scooter!" The kid tries to round up enough makeup to cover the big guy's face completely. Warren storms in and announces that he still hasn't made a decision as to whether he's going to show the cafeteria exposé or Jackass and Carol mouth-humping, and that everyone is on a need-to-know basis. MegaMark says he's a thoroughbred and shouldn't be agitated before a race. No, Mega...you're as big as a thoroughbred, but that doesn't necessarily make you a thoroughbred.

Ed wakes up with a grin on his face after a particularly hot evening of steamy psychotic sex. He rolls over; Jennifer is gone, but has left a note. It's Ed's final "to do" list with only one thing written on it: "Find the right girl. I'm sorry. Jennifer." Now then, something happened during their torrid lovemaking session that the show's writers aren't telling us, so it's up to Uncle Bob to fill in the blanks. Personally, I think Ed's sexual prowess must have been lousy and Jennifer was bailing on him after he went to sleep. Let's remember, ever since Ed's come to town, he's only been laid by the evil Bonnie Hane. And we all remember what a black widow she was in the sack. I bet Ed still has claw marks from her on his scrotal sac. So he's alarmingly out of practice when it comes to sexually pleasing gorgeous psychos. On the other hand, finding "the right girl" may mean that...uhhh...ahem...maybe Edward J. Stevens is packing a summer sausage where a Vienna sausage would do just fine, if you get my drift and if you don't I'm saying maybe he's hung like a Russian mule. I dunno. I'm grasping at straws here. Let's continue.

Carol barges into Jackass's office, and the two of them confirm that they've both talked to Warren about the tape. Carol wonders what's going to happen, and Jackass says that they'll find out in a few moments. Carol tells Jackass that she gave Warren permission to show it. Jackass says that if the students find out he's nailing a teacher, they find out. If he's fired for this, it's no big deal. Hell, he almost killed a kid while driving drunk at the last school; kissing a teacher is child's play compared to that.

The Stuckeyville High show begins with an opening that has been lifted straight from 60 Minutes. Warren begins his segment, looking all stoic in the camera as he talks about the crew capturing something that would not only shock the viewing audience, but also has the possibility of amazing them as well. He asks that the footage be rolled. Carol's watching from off-camera, looking about as panicky as a teacher who's about to lose her job for making out with the principal and having the evidence broadcast over the school's TV network can look. The footage rolls, and it depicts the Lunch Lady scandal. Carol bursts into a big relieved grin, and Warren warmly grins back at her. Carol's glad that she can continue sexing up her boss without the entire school knowing about it. Warren's glad he's not going to get his face rearranged by the principal.

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