Things To Do Today

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Uncle Bob's To Do List

Ed walks into the bowling alley after the date. Phil asks him how his date went. Ed says it was amazing. Phil says that if it was really amazing, he wouldn't have seen Ed until the morning, and deducts that Ed is not "a closer." A cell phone starts ringing, and Phil says that it's Jim's phone -- Jim as in "Molly's boyfriend, Jim." Ed asks Phil where Jim's at, and Phil pauses before saying, "Hold on, Bossco, I'm still trying to think of a clever euphenism for 'urinating.'" A word of advice to a fictional character from a fictional recapper: Phil, always have euphemisms stored in the memory bank for spur-of-the-moment use. Right off the top of the head, I can reel off "painting the town yellow," "giving Johnny a golden shower," and "feeding the sewer rats." But hey, that's just me. Ed picks up the ringing cell phone and answers it. A look of shock takes over his face and threatens worldwide destruction if its demands aren't met immediately. Ed says he'll relay the message, and turns off the phone. Jim comes bounding out of the bathroom. Jim asks Ed if he had fun on his date. Ed says he just spoke with Jim's....WIFE! I KNOW! Shock of shocks! Jim's face turns a shade of ashen grey with just a tad of pink around the cheeks to let us know he's still alive. "Does Molly know?" Ed asks. Jim swallows and shakes his head no. Ed gives Jim an ultimatum: if he doesn't tell Molly, then Ed will tell her himself. Then Ed walks away in disgust.

Flipping over to the Grammys...apparently the song "Lady Marmalade" just won an award. From what I can tell, the artists behind the song couldn't be in attendance tonight, so they sent four retarded Mexican prostitutes to accept the award for them. It's so nice to see the retarded Mexican prostitutes getting work outside of performing lewd sex acts on donkeys in the basements of abandoned Mexican Sears buildings. I think at one point, one of the prostitutes thanked a Rottweiler. The Backstreet Boys and Sarah Hughes (the official sweetheart of the 2002 Winter Olympics) are standing onstage with the prostitutes. It's obvious that Sarah Hughes is uncomfortable sharing the stage with the women. It's also obvious nobody has sat the little girl down and explained that you cannot catch a venereal disease just from sharing the same stage with four retarded Mexican prostitutes because she looks like she's trying desperately to keep her Gold Medal Coochie covered with her hands. They pan to a crowd shot and Luther Vandross is sporting some new shades. Hold the phone...that's Stevie Wonder. My God, "Little" Stevie Wonder must be pushing 400 lbs. When did this fat bastard swallow Gary Coleman, and why wasn't it on Entertainment Tonight?

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