Ed
Things To Do Today

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Uncle Bob's To Do List

Carol storms into Jackass's office. Jackass notes that Carol's got her arms crossed and is fixing a cold stare on him. He determines that she's pissed about something, and he wants to know what it is. She informs him that Warren Cheswick has them tongue-wrestling on video and is threatening to show it to the entire school. Jackass chuckles. Carol wants to know why he's laughing; he says he wasn't laughing, he was chuckling. God. I noticed it, why can't she? Jackass wants to know why she even cares about everyone seeing the tape. He says he thinks it's because she doesn't want to commit to their relationship and has issues about their relationship. Well, jeezum crow, Jackass...maybe she has issues that stem from the time you brought a date to a party the night after you first tagged Carol's ass. Carol tells Jackass that he's the one who has issues, and he points out that it's very convenient for her to blame him. He says that, deep down, Carol doesn't really know for sure whether he's good or bad. And she doesn't want to go public with their relationship because of her doubts about the king of Jackasses. Jackass points out that even HE doesn't know if he's good or bad. Getting fed up with his mumbo jumbo, Carol makes like an exorcist and gets the hell out of Jackass's office.

Kenny and Phil are reading the paper. Kenny asks Phil if he's ever seen The Vagina Monologues. Phil asks if that's the one where the Playmates band together and start a car wash. Kenny says it's not a movie, it's a play, and that it's powerful stuff. Phil admits that live theater doesn't interest him because the actors talk too loud. Jennifer shows up looking for Ed. Phil recognizes her as the random-guy kisser, and says he's a pretty random guy himself. One time he did it on a ferris wheel. Ed walks up and whisks Jennifer away before Phil can permanently damage her. Phil stares at Jennifer's butt and says, "She digs me." Kenny chimes in, "I find you obnoxious."

Warren and Diane are eating at the Goat. Diane tells Warren that they HAVE to show the tape of Jackass and Carol doing it like crazed welfare recipients in the parking lot. Warren freaks out and starts loudly saying, "I WILL! I WILL!" Man. Pencil a Mr. Warren Cheswick in for a nervous breakdown, pronto. Warren then tries to tell Diane that Carol is freaking out about this tape and wonders if the tape will get her fired since Jackass has the temper of a jungle cat. Diane says it's Warren's call as to whether they're going to show the tape or not. Then she spouts off some First Amendment malarkey that bored me for a few seconds so I took an extremely quick power nap. When I awake, Diane's still prattling on about First Amendment rights; she tells Warren that their rights to tell the story are more important than some teacher's hanky panky with the principal. Warren wonders aloud whether he should wear a helmet when he goes to see Principal Jackass over this, just in case Jackass goes Jackie Chan on his ass.

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Ed

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