Survivor

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Round 2: Cirie vs. Li'l Russell. Um, yeah. That looks like a fair fight. Especially since Cirie has apparently never actually used a Slip 'N Slide and ends up just, like, sitting on it and expecting it to carry her down to her ball. It doesn't. Li'l Russell gets his ball quickly and does a Douche-style potty shot at the basket, but misses. As Cirie finally approaches with her ball, Li'l Russell takes his second shot and makes it.

Round 3: Battle of the Blondes! Courtney vs. Candice. And, oh dear. This is the first time I've seen Courtney in just a bikini and it is kind of scary. She might be the only person in the history of this show to actually gain weight. Well, her and J.T., who didn't gain weight so much as he did not lose any. Candice gets to her ball first, and detaches it from the rope so forcefully that it goes flying upwards, taking Courtney's ball with it and making it harder for her to get her ball. Very clever, Candice. The extra time she gives herself comes in very handy, as she's able to make it to the basket and get it in on her first shot, giving the Heroes their first point.

Round 4: Jerri vs. Amanda. Hmm ... I think Amanda has this one in the bag, although the fact that she has her mouth hanging open while she runs towards the Slip 'N Slide might cost her precious hundredths of a second due to wind resistance. Jerri, on the other hand, is very aerodynamic. Amanda gets to the ball first, ripping it free so hard that Jerri's ball comes loose too, making it easy for her to simply scoop it up. Amanda's first shot misses. Jerri's does not, and she is freaking thrilled, her victory dance a whirlwind of spins and air-punches.

Round 5: The Villains only need one more point to win, but it's Sandra vs. James, which is ridiculous. Really? They couldn't have done Sandra vs. Cirie and Li'l Russell vs. James? But then we couldn't see such decisive victories from Probst's man-crushes over weak women that Probst will then argue they should vote off ASAP at Tribal Council. Sandra awesomely flexes confidently when her name is announced, but knows she has no chance against James. And she doesn't. James slides down the mat, grabs the ball, and makes his way to the hoop, with Probst salivating over his oiled body all the way. James gets the basket in one shot.

Round 6: Danielle vs. Rupert. By the way, who is Danielle? She's this season's invisible player. Throw her a few interviews, please. Even though the "randomly assigned" number ball they're going for is closer to the Heroes' side than the Villains, Danielle gets to it first. Rupert limps behind her, and Probst reminds us that his toe is broken, just in case it was possible to forget. Danielle shoots just before Rupert, but both shots miss. Danielle gets a second shot, and it comes soooo close ... but ultimately bounces off the rim. Rupert's second shot makes it in, tying up the score at 3-3.

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Survivor

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