Trista & Ryan’s Wedding, Part 2

Episode Report Card
admin: B- | Grade It Now!
Lamb, Meet Slaughter

Back on the beach now, Bob "I'm Here, I Leer, Get Used To It" Guiney has appointed himself Master Of Ceremonies Of Tristopia, ambling around drunkenly with a big, froofy drink in his hand and welcoming all of the ladies with a nasty, lecherous hug. Man. A full calendar year since he first appeared on our televisions, and all his talent level will allow is for him to have finally achieved cult status as The Richard Dawson Of The New Millennium. The top six answers are on the board, Bob. And all of them are "Yes, You're Nasty."

Oh, look. Bob. Again. Identified as "The Bachelor Season 4" and wearing the most faggoty sky blue shirt this side of The Boy From Oz, he drones, "Ryan and Trista are very lucky...I'm very honored to be invited, actually." And then, right after that, in a vocal pitch and cadence that sound completely different than the one he was using until then and sounding like it was recorded one million years later and tacked on four seconds before airing, he adds, "It would be a lot more fulfilling if Estella could be here with me." You guys? We know they're not together. And for once, I thought I was watching some Wednesday-night programming that wasn't actually about Bob. Leave. It. Alone. Or you'll only make yourselves look sillier when their press tour is over and they're allowed to start seeing other failed reality-show contestants. Incidentally, my spellcheck really wanted me to change the word "faggoty" to the word "maggoty" before I did anything else. Which, I have to say...tempting, but no.

Speaking of failed reality show contestants who just can't let go, Shannon just then shows up, telling us that we're still waiting for Trista and Ryan to show up, but that this amount of time was the perfect opportunity for friends of Ryan's and friends of Trista's (and, in Shannon's case, friends of Fleiss's) to bond the day away. "I'm not gonna lie," she plot-develops in a spot of foreshadowing that would have kicked ass if it had actually gone somewhere, "Ryan's friends are hot." She then pauses the full length of a sunrise on Pluto before finishing her thought: "Hot." Very illuminating thoughts, Shannon. In the world where the storybook love of Trista and Ryan and their journey is told entirely through the songs of Buster Poindexter.

The wedding party cheers merrily as Trista and Ryan (and some random third guy, who probably only performs some stupid, menial task like driving their boat, so why can't he just get out of the way and let Trista have her day, already?) are seen approaching on a life raft of some kind. There's a Simpsons episode that starts off with a couch having been dumped across a railroad track, I think, and in the background ruzzah, you can hear someone muse something like, "It seems to be some kind of a couch." There's a moment here a billion times stupider and 100% less ironic, in which a female voice cries out, "They're coming on a life raft!" And they are. Coming on a life raft. The collective stands at the shore shrieking with joy as if this is the life raft-y homecoming for two war heroes rescued from the sinking of the Lusitania.

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