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Back to School Fail
is playing basketball. Suddenly, Colleen appears right next to him yelling that he's a "pathetic loser jerk" and she wouldn't kiss him even if it cured brain cancer. "Ooo-oo-ooh" say the other children. House, too, is surprised by Colleen's words, as well as possibly admiring. Zack quickly says that was like two days ago, so it's ancient history. Colleen says it proves that she's not a tease and now House has to tell them why Cuddy is mad at him. House says she's bossy, and he guesses Zack is "into that." Zack opens his mouth to speak, only to be shut down with a "don't answer that!" from Colleen, which he instantly obeys.

Hey look! It's the Cottages! And a sick guy! Why, it's almost like this is a show about a team of doctors who solve medical mysteries! While Martha and Foreman talk to their new patient, who is coughing and complaining of breathing trouble, Taub and Chase flirt with an attractive nurse. She's new at PPTH, even though PPTH has plenty of awesome nurses we never get to see, like Evil Nurse Brenda and whoever Bobbin Bergstrom is, since she always appears in the credits but I have yet to actually see her on the show. Also, does Taub really think he has a chance with the nurse when Chase is right there? Please. The patient starts coughing up lots of blood. Martha gently suggests a chest CT. Foreman says that since he's the senior team member, only he may order scans and tests. Taub asks the nurse if she wants to have an affair. Chase offers her a threesome. Martha is appalled and runs off to tell on them to Cuddy. Foreman orders the chest CT. I still love it when this show does subjective flashbacks.

House is actually telling this story to the kids in that classroom. Tiffany goes all Martha M. Masters on us and asks if Chase and Taub are guilty of sexual harassment. House says it's only sexual harassment if you're ugly. "Excuse me?!" a woman in back speaks up, no doubt one of those humorless bitch lady lawyers who ruin everything. Gabe says House must be lying, since Taub, who House described earlier as being "short with a big nose," cannot possibly be attractive. Apparently, Gabe is only into a certain type of guy. And, once again, the people who write this show hate Peter Jacobson.

"YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH" House Nicholsons in Gabe's face. Timmy explains to the class that House just ripped off A Few Good Men. The teacher decides they've had enough of House and calls another speaker to the front of the room, some guy who works at an advertising agency. "BORING!" the kids cry. They want to hear more from House. Tiffany begs House to at least tell them what happened to his coughing patient, thus making them slightly more realistic than Colleen, who cares way too much about some boring adult's crappy relationship. House is brief in his response to them: "patient's dead." "Floor is yours, Don," he tells the advertising guy, because this show can make fun of Mad Men when it wins plenty of Emmys and House is lucky to be nominated.

The kids don't believe that House's patient is dead, what with him spending the entire afternoon lying to them already. They want to hear more about lungs being coughed up and laptops being hacked into, as Alex requests. Between vibrators and laptops, this Alex kid is really into technology. Gabe calls Alex a moron for forgetting that House was lying when he told the story about the laptop. Alex looks sad, and the teacher scolds Gabe for using the word "moron." Gabe points out that House calls people morons, so it must be okay. House shoots back that he was talking about people like Gabe. The kids love House even more now, especially Alex. The teacher is the only moron here, as she thinks she can get House to quickly and appropriately finish his story by asking nicely.

The patient is coughing up blood again. The Cottages rush in to help, but before they can do anything, the guy coughs up an entire lung. He just holds it in his hands, groaning and gasping, as the Cottages try to figure out what they're looking at. Chase is the first to figure it out. The classroom children find this to be awesome. House explains to his enthralled audience (including the teacher and the other career day speakers) that he takes on difficult cases no other doctor can solve. Tiffany wonders how it's even possible for someone to cough up an internal organ like that. "That's what she said!" House retorts, but no one gets it or, if they do, they don't find it very amusing.

House explains that "she" actually did say that -- the "she" being Martha. While the Cottages try to diagnose their patient, House is trying to hack into Cuddy's password-protected laptop. He wonders aloud why someone would password-protect her computer when she keeps it in a locked drawer in her locked office. Martha points out that Cuddy knows one of her employees regularly breaks into patients' homes, so she probably just didn't want to take any chances. But when she isn't getting on her high horse, she's actually helpful, as she suggests that the patient's computer science major roommates may well be working with toxic, lung-destroying materials. House only cares about this, of course, because one of those computer science major roommates might be able to help him hack into Cuddy's computer. He takes Foreman with him to search the dorm while the other Cottages stay behind to test the patient for what House thinks he actually has: sarcoidosis.

Back in the classroom, the kids have established that House did, in fact, try to force the college kids to hack into the laptop, albeit not at gunpoint. Alex just wants to know whose laptop it is. Tiffany figures it must be Cuddy's. House quotes from Ghostbusters, which Timmy instantly recognizes, much to House's apparent glee. Tiffany asks if Cuddy was mad at House for hacking into her computer, and he has to explain to a bunch of children who are still old enough to know better that he stole and hacked into the computer after finding out that Cuddy was mad at him to try to "fix things." Now the teacher has something to say, asking House if he really thought he could fix his relationship by stealing his girlfriend's stuff. Humorless Bitch Lady Lawyer has been waiting all day for this: "looks like you're the moron!"

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