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Back to School Fail

Colleen feels triumphant. "That's what I said! You don't listen to her!" she says. "You didn't say that," House says. "Yes, I did," she says. House says he must not have been listening. Zack hopefully asks if House fixed everything with Cuddy after hacking into her laptop. House says he thought he did. Flashback to House talking to the Chairman of the Board, who gets more screen time and lines than Wilson these days, about what he read in Cuddy's journal -- Waldenwood wasn't her first choice pre-school for Rachel after all. She just didn't have any hope of getting Rachel into her actual first choice, so she never mentioned it except in her journal. Cuddy's number one fantasy dream school for Rachel? Brye Park, where, Zack helpfully reminds us, they are right now. The Chairman of the Board is on Brye Park's school board, since that's apparently all the Chairman does with his time: serve on boards. House hopes that the Chairman's connection to Brye Park will get Rachel in. The Chairman asks why Cuddy hasn't come to him and asked herself. House says Cuddy doesn't think it's right to use connections like that. House obviously doesn't have these same reservations. Neither does the Chairman. But House must do him a favor first.

And so, House is driving to Brye Park's career day to speak to some kids and traumatize them for life when Foreman and Martha call about their patient. House insists that they treat him for sarcoidosis even though all the signs point to the patient not having sarcoidosis. And, as we already know, a few hours later, they still hadn't done what House asked. Even worse, their insistence on arguing with House distracts him from his driving and he promptly rear-ends someone. The guy who gets out of his crumpled car is familiar to us: it's Don Dryden, the advertising guy. As he approaches House's car, House tosses his wallet under the seat. So, House told Don he didn't have his wallet and his name was Dr. Hourani to get out of paying for the damage to Don's car because as far as House is concerned, the accident was Don's fault for stopping at a yellow light. Unfortunately for House, this came back to bite him in the ass when he showed up for the career day and saw Don already there, thus forcing him to keep lying about his name.

So now he has to try to explain to the classroom, Don, and that humorless bitch lawyer how his name really is Hourani and it just so happens that there's another doctor at PPTH with the same last name. Don isn't buying it. He demands to see House's ID. House says he already told him he doesn't have it. Don doesn't believe him anymore and tries to search House's pockets, which quickly leads to a physical altercation. The teacher weakly tries to stop them while the bitch lawyer and the paramedic and/or fireman who didn't get any lines sit back and do nothing. Finally, they're stopped by the office secretary, who appears in the doorway and stops everyone with an icy "is there a problem?"

Now that we finally know the story up until now, Zack thinks House's best bet is to run away; Cuddy's going to find out what happened and how House just ruined any chance she had for Rachel to get into Brye Park anyway. Why bother getting yelled at by the principal, too? Zack says if he were House, he'd be out of here. Colleen doesn't think so. I guess we aren't done with the flashbacks after all. It turns out that Zack and Colleen met behind the school another time. Zack was ready to collect his bet winnings and kiss Colleen, but ultimately, he couldn't. He says he doesn't want it to happen "like this." He apologizes for hitting her in the face with the puck and then cheating to win the bet, explaining that he paid one of the jump-rope-turners off with video game cheat codes (that she couldn't have just looked up herself online? Please) to hit Colleen's foot with the jump rope so she'd lose the bet. Colleen is just happy to learn that she really is better at Double Dutch than Zack is after all. Zack says he really likes Colleen and thinks she likes him, too, but he doesn't want to play "any more games." So, he says, if and when Colleen is ready to kiss Zack, she just has to let him know. And, as we know, she did, but the recess lady caught them and sent them to the principal's office.

"Well done," House says to Zack. Colleen says Zack "isn't always" a jerk, and neither is House. What makes her think that? All she knows about House is that he hits people with his car and tries to get out of paying for the damage, that he would rather hack into his girlfriend's computer -- that he poisoned patients to steal in the first place -- than treat his dying, but boring, patient, and that he uses his girlfriend's toothbrush and leaves her bathroom a mess. Where would Colleen ever get the idea that House isn't one of the most horrible people on the planet? She thinks he just has to stop playing games with Cuddy. Zack agrees. And then the principal finally shows up.

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