We’re So Screwed (2): Hot To Katratzi

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"When You Wake Up In The Morning, What Do You Hear?"

1812 gives John something and he thanks it tenderly, as Rygel reminds everyone they could still change their minds. While D'Argo does admit the truth of this, on the other hand they've just passed Jenek's freighter, so probably Scorpius is nearby. He does not say anything about Grayza's Command Carrier, but he's not one to over-explain simple visual symbolism. Chiana peers down at John's little project he's working on, which is a device with one round knob and several blinking lights: "Mankind's greatest contribution to the absurd. The thermonuclear bomb." Of all John's cruddy/awesome plans, I like the ones where you actually say, Are you kidding me with this shit? He radicalizes himself, makes himself radioactive -- makes himself on the outside what his particular brain makes him on the inside -- and that's how we'll slip between Grayza and Ahkna both. Not through science and not through violence either. And not through power.

Inside the base, Commandant Grayza addresses Emperor Staleek, the Most Beautiful Scarran Of All Time, who, even though his dickpiece on his suit is kind of scary and pointy and shouldn't be on TV, is still a total badass. They are attended by Captain Braca and War Minister Ahkna. It's a chess game. Grayza: "Emperor, despite your War Minister being a lying sack of piss, you do need to know that I am only moderately lying about everything and that I would totally rape you for peace." I'm paraphrasing, basically. Other people at the table include assorted Scarrans, Charrids, and Kalish. No long-necks, I don't think, because this is a meritocracy: pretty Scarrans only. Oh, and Charrids.

"Every day you fail to take [peace] seriously," Grayza threatens, "we build more and more wormhole weapons. Soon the urge to use one will become irresistible." I wish everybody on Earth would be that honest, like how Kim Jong-il is constantly like, "This nuclear arsenal is burning a hole in my pocket!" Staleek's got the Cold War figured out: "Not to interrupt your bluster..." Gorgeous and funny? He needs to meet John, they've got a lot in common. Cue the door opening and John and Aeryn walk in, with swagger to spare. Staleek nods and goes on: "...But we have a guest who should make these talks even more amusing." Grayza greets him by name, he won't look her in the eye, just indicates he's "with partner," and tries to get the meeting going again. "What did we miss?" Staleek's like, "Not to interrupt your huge balls-out thing you've got going on right now, but how come you are so stupid? I should totally just have you disappeared right this second." John throws back his coat and shows Staleek his nuclear device, which juts up at an angle and, as I said, has a knob at the end. It's beeping, though, which is unsettling. "Plutonium core, tritium shell. Does that translate?" It does, and Staleek knows what it is: "A fission bomb." The stupid Scarran guards totally pull on John, and Staleek's like, "Put those down! God!"

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