Bachelorette
You’re All I Overthink About

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The Biorhythm Method

And they're airborne again, once more wearing those giant we-are-the-world- we-are-the-children headphones and the mouth-inhibiting microphones that insure Russ won't be doing anything I wouldn't do. A few aerial shots of Sedona later, the doomed Russ and Trista are high on a cliff (my map of town says this one is called "The Futility Vortex") with a brunette woman (Shannon, will you stop at NOTHING?) who tells them, "What we're going to be doing today is aura photography." Snerk. Would that Rhymin's poetic prowess were available to find a way to elegantly link the words "hippie" and "dippy." The woman (for she is never given a name) asks Russ and Trista is they've ever heard of it, and Russ mutters something of either a "yes" or "no," but all other sound in the universe is spontaneously drowned out by Trista's twenty-minute, fourteen-syllable No Symphony. Like a three year-old. She explains, "It's energy. We're going to be picking up your energy field using biofeedback." Mmmm...jargony. "What I'm gonna be able to tell you is what you're going to do in this lifetime." Besides break up imminently? "Also, we'll talk about you as a couple." Yeah, well. See above. And so Trista sits down in a nearby chair and places her hands on small boxes set up on side-tables. Dora Of The Aura (fine, smartie...you come up with a better one, then) stands behind one of those big ol' I'm-gonna-shoot- me-the-first-ever- photograph-of-a- president-see-and- then-we'll-all- skidoo-on-down- to-the-moving- picture-show-see camera, pulls a cord, and tells Russ it's his turn. Lather, rinse, repeat with Russ. That must be some strong camera, to capture the aura of one who lacks even a reflection.

Oops! Instead of developing their aura photographs, Dora Of The Aura has accidentally returned with a set of blurry Georgia O'Keefe prints from the art history class she's taking down at Sedona Community College. She'll have to compromise with authoritative lies. First, looking at Trista's colorfully vaginal palette, we learn, "Gold is the intellect of the mind." That is so true, y'all. Trista has "a lot of boundaries around you" and she's "afraid to be vulnerable." From Russ's literally identical picture, we learn that he likes "freedom and autonomy," and that he's a bit more of a risk-taker in relationships, which Dora Of The Aura notes could be a "positive attribute" in a relationship with Trista. This information is apparently biorhythmic carte blanche for Russ to grope awkwardly at Trista's upper thigh. Gack. Raise your hand if you think Russ has egregiously misjudged the actual meaning of "ley line." In a whispery interview (the mountains are sleeeeeping), Russ tells us, "I wouldn't be surprised if I was [sic] the last guy with Trista." Totally.

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Bachelorette

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