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The Zone Diet

Everybody Hates Chris! Woo!

We return to some sort of jagged tarpy fort in the Phantom Zone. An Ugly CW promo strip in lime and dark green looks like someone tore up a pair of Diesel sneakers. Inside the saddest fort ever, the hot chick is dabbing Clark with a damp rag. They have bowls and water in the Phantom Zone? Maybe there's a Save-A-Lot around here, too, and you can get some snacks. Clark's got some nasty scratches on his face. "Who are you?" he asks. "Raya," she says, "not that names matter here." Especially since she probably won't make it past this episode. Clark asks what this place is. She continues to dab the same spot on Clark's face over and over, willing it to heal. Raya says that Jarnelle created this place to house criminals from the twenty-eight known inhabited galaxies. There's a whole island devoted to Marvin the Martian. Clark says that must make her an inmate. She presses hard on one of Clark's face wounds and he winces. She says she's trapped here, but that she's not a prisoner. Annoyed, Clark says that he's running low on trust these days. She says that's good, because trust can get you killed in The Zone. She throws Clark a fluffy blankie. "Or worse," she says. Clark doesn't mind the anal rape so much, sister, so that won't work as a threat.

Raya says that most of the people here have had their "corporeal bodies" wasted, and that they haunt the land as spirits. Clark figures those are the jerks who attacked him outside. Raya says that the crest Clark's father gave her is the only thing they fear. He asks how she knew Jarnelle. Not facing him, she says that she was one of Jarnelle's assistants. See, she assisted him by helping place his penis into her vagina. It was very strenuous clerical work. "When you were five?" Clark asks. First, how does Clark know how old she is now? Second, how dare you, Clark. Raya says that time is meaningless here. Sort of like it was in Season 4. Raya says that she wanted to stay with Clark's dad in his final hours, but that he demanded she escape to the Phantom Zone. Clark asks why he and Clark's mother didn't go, too. Raya says that Jarnelle wouldn't stop trying to save Krypton, and Clark's mother wouldn't leave his side. It was AWK-WARD! Raya says that this is all she has left of Clark's father. She shows Clark the Superman medallion. "Every day, he still saves my life," she says. Clark gets up and limps off, saying that he has to stop Zod. "'Zod'?" she says, the way you'd say, "Pizza? Again?" when someone wants you to eat it for the third night in a row. Clark says that Zod is on Earth because of Clark. He asks her if there's a way out of the Phantom Zone that she knows of. Raya, who has a secret stash of expensive makeup products buried in the sand, says that Zod is a soldier and that he'll kill Clark. She's already sized Clark up as a giant pussy. "If there was [sic] a way to save everyone you love, wouldn't you risk dying?" Clark asks. Raya looks Clark up and down. She's totally warm for Clark's form. "You truly are your father's son," she says. Clark doesn't know whether to be turned on or grossed out. He frowns at the dilemma.

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