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The Zone Diet

Lair of Lex. Zod is carrying a beaten-up suitcase. He looks around. Sees way too little blood on the floor and the sword he used to impale Lana. (It was a placeholder.) Zod opens up the suitcase to reveal a dangerous-looking computer. It's from the Pentagon! "That's all it takes to end the world?" Lana asks. "And begin a new one," Zod answers. He sees Lana standing nearby with her bandage. He says she freed herself but didn't run: "Why?" Lana walks forward and says she realized that there was nothing to run to. She speechifies that, in order to survive, you sometimes have to give up the things you care about most. Like the middle of your hand. "And give in to fate," she concludes. "So go on, dirty alien man. Just do it. Use Lex's penis to impregnate me with your evil seed. Just don't stab me again, all right? I mean, at least not with a sword." Zod creeps forward: "You would give me an heir? Willingly?" Not for nothing, but shouldn't he be a little more selective than just accepting an heir from the first Earth woman he sees? Shouldn't he go for more smarts? The son of Zod and Madeleine Albright would be a much greater leader, I think. Hell, go for MamaKent! It doesn't speak well to Zod's ambitions that he's so lazy about choosing a concubine. Lana says that the heir will be the first of many. Which makes no fucking sense at all. One heir, Lana. Otherwise you've got kids squabbling over Zod's estate after he gets killed by the Green Lantern, or whomever. Zod looks at Lana.

Next, Zod and Lana are on the couch making out. You've gotta imagine Zod has had his fair share of intergalactic poon. Does anybody really think Lana holds a candle to Shee-stra, the Quint-Breasted Whore of Murabai-5? This would be the perfect time for him to say, "Kneel before Zod! And while you're down there..." Kissing. Zod is a killing machine and a ruthless soldier, but he's a gentle French kisser. Tongue the lower gum before Zod! Lana kisses Zod's neck. "Perhaps I've underestimated the females of your species," Zod says. Oh whatever, AlMiles. Just cuz you guys have never had a good lapdance doesn't mean Zod hasn't. Lana, a tear rolling down her cheek, says, "Maybe you just underestimated me." She reaches between the couch and pulls out the five-foot long dagger -- something Zod, with his x-ray vision, naturally couldn't have foreseen. Lana slowly tries to stab Zod, all, "Eh!," and he easily grabs her wrist, foiling the Stupidest Plan to Save the Human Race Since Independence Day. The ice dildo is glowing, as is the pointy end of the dagger with Kryptonian symbols. Zod advises Lana not to play with things she doesn't understand. Like cock. Zod smacks Lana across the face, and she flies and lands on the floor, hard. Bloodied, she sighs. Zod, standing over her, breaks the sword with his hands. He asks whether she really though she could make a difference: "Nothing can change the fate of your world." Then he pulls out his octagonal space Treo and uses it to activate the Pentagon's expensive laptop. "Accessing Satellite..." the screen reads. A map of the Earth.

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