November 22, 2009
Yay, an awards show! The American Music Awards (ABC, 8 PM) will feature a Taylor Swift/Lady Gaga showdown. By the way, this is the award shaped like a narrow glass pyramid, for some odd reason.

Will everything work out for a Seinfeld reunion show? Watch the seventh season finale of Curb Your Enthusiasm (HBO, 9 PM) to find out.

On My Fair Wedding (WE, 10 PM), Christina had planned to have her wedding on a Mexican beach, but the swine flu outbreak caused her to move it to a beach in... New Jersey.

November 23, 2009
Interested in seeing Lewis Black rant about the holidays? History Special: Surviving the Holidays with Lewis Black (History, 8 PM) will have the comedian explore the meaning behind the madness behind Thanksgiving football, who St. Nicholas really was, and why we drink on New Year's Day.

Barney fears a slapping from any one of his friends on How I Met Your Mother (CBS, 8 PM). Also, Lily's estranged father (Chris Elliott) shows up for the Thanksgiving victuals.

The end of an era is here. The last episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8 (TLC, 9 PM) airs tonight. I still don't have the feeling that it's over, but for now, let's hope it is.

In the vein of feel-good reality shows, Find My Family (ABC, 9:30 PM) airs as a sneak preview tonight. On this show, people search for their long-lost family members (and cause viewers to break out the Kleenex).

Nerd-fantasy girl Katee Sackhoff will magically find her way into Howard's bathtub on The Big Bang Theory (CBS, 9:30 PM). Starbuck fans, take note.

November 24, 2009
Who among Donny Osmond, Mya, and Kelly Osbourne will reign supreme on the finale of Dancing with the Stars (ABC, 9 PM)? I think Donny needs to give it up.

That was fast. The winter season finale of V (ABC, 8 PM) airs tonight. New episodes will return in March.

For some odd reason, Chelsea Handler will guest star as herself on The Good Wife (CBS, 10 PM), because Peter's mistress appears on her show. Alicia then runs into said mistress in a parking garage. Ooh, bish, plz.

November 25, 2009
On a two-hour "Where are they now?" edition of The Biggest Loser (NBC, 8 PM), we catch up with the most popular contestants from the last seven seasons. But of course we're only interested in what they look like now.

Annoying Lindsay leaves her husband and moves in with Christine, her "divorcee role model," on The New Adventures of Old Christine (CBS, 8 PM).

In the 100th episode of Criminal Minds, C. Thomas Howell (who will forever be Ponyboy, in my mind) returns as "The Reaper," a crazed serial killer out to kill Hotchner's family (CBS, 9 PM).

November 26, 2009
My guiltiest pleasure, Beyoncé, has a nice little Thanksgiving special this year. Beyoncé: I Am Yours (ABC, 9 PM) will have behind-the-scenes footage in addition to singing and dancing.

Matt Lauer takes a cue from Baba Wawa with his own NBC Special: NBC's People of the Year (NBC, 9 PM).

Another music special could be an option for those who are not fans of Beyoncé. Great Performances: Sting: A Winter's Night (PBS, 9 PM) will have Sting singing in an English cathedral. Damn, he probably won't be able to play "Roxanne" in a church.

And yet another Thanksgiving concert special! Paul McCartney: Good Evening New York (ABC, 10 PM) is self-explanatory.

November 27, 2009
In a much more realistic look at family dysfunction, a fifth season of Shameless (Sundance, 8 PM) premieres tonight. There's cussing, fighting and no laugh track. It's just like everyone else's family, but with heavy northern British accents.

So Dexter's in his Blood Shack, his voice-over is going overboard with an endless string of defensive, bitchy justifications for why killing Farrow was so totally not his fault. You know my rule with DVO -- I ignore until it gives me something good. Basically, Dexter's feeling guilty -- not only for killing Farrow but for not going after Trinity instead -- and he doesn't like feeling guilty. He even breaks Farrow's blood slide in half, since it doesn't meet the standards of Harry's code. Of course, he cuts his thumb in the process, the better to be a metaphor for his guilt.

At work, Angel presents Farrow as a former suspect, now a possible victim. LaGuerta leaps to the logical conclusion that it was Brand -- Farrow's assistant and the real model-murderer -- who did it, and the case is then passed off to two detectives who don't even get speaking parts, so let's consider this matter shelved for the week, huh?

Deb notices Dexter being extra fidgety, but she has no time to wonder why, as now it's her time to present her bludgeoning case. She's got a slideshow of the victims throughout the ages. In particular, she points out the smudges of cremains that show up in the crime scene photos -- the same as the ash found at the most recent bludgeoning. Alas, because this is Deb, she clicks one slide too far and reveals a shot of one of the bathtub victims, also with an ash smudge in the photo. LaGuerta has her shutter back to it. Deb tries to tapdance around the issue but Maria finally has her come out with it. So Deb explains that the ash has shown up in photos from the bathtub killings AND the jumper-suicides. That's the pattern, see; three in succession, every year or so, for the last thirty years. While DVO repeatedly hopes for his sister's case to get laughed out of the room, LaGuerta is officially intrigued. Even when Deb gets to the part about Lundy investigating him, and how Trinity killed Lundy and shot Deb.

So Dexter leaves in a huff, DVO reaffirming his intention to kill Trinity and get it over with. Deb follows him out, bubbling over with pride and excitement. LaGuerta calls her into her office, looking fired up, and of course Deb thinks she's about to get a commendation so she practically leaps to follow her. I find myself using "of course" with Deb a lot. It's a testament to how strongly and consistently she's been written throughout the seasons. Maybe as well as anyone else on the show, Dexter included. Anyway, Dexter awkwardly tries to convey enthusiasm, but his feeble attempts are interrupted by Quinn, who shadows him to the elevator and smarmily notes that Dex is, as usual, taking lunch "off campus." "I really do need to stab someone," DVO menaces as the elevator doors close. See, DVO. That was good.

Meanwhile, Trinity weeps over that coffin he built last week, then covers it with a tarp.

Later, Dexter rolls up on Trinity's cozy suburban palace, where the Mitchell clan are engaging in a positively perverse tableaux of family activity. Arthur's gardening, the daughter is watering the lawn, mom's probably inside baking, and Jonah is washing his car in a powder-blue t-shirt with the sleeves cut off, his tan arms lapping up the sunlight like -- okay, moving on. Jonah's there. He's looking nice. Arthur's in much happier spirits to see "Kyle" than he was last week, even when Dex lays out the pretext for his visit: He's checking up on Arthur after the whole deer incident. Arthur brushes it off, then breezes past Dex to correct Jonah on the proper way to dry the car. The moment veers into domineering territory as Arthur snaps at Jonah about doing things the right way and whips the rag back at Jonah's chest and strong arms and deceptively huge shoulders and...oh shut up. DVO natters on about cracks appearing in the perfect family as Sally comes out with a glass of lemonade, having just washed and folded Arthur's clothes. So I was kinda close with that "baking" guess, huh? The upshot? Arthur's planning a trip to Tampa for another Habitat for Inhumanity build. DVO wonders if he's really looking to start another cycle so soon. Dex gets Arthur to divulge that he's leaving tomorrow, right from work. The gears start turning in Dexter's head for an out-of-town kill, and DVO says he'll have to come up with an excuse to take an excursion to Tampa.

Cut to Dexter scouring the internet for a convention nearby that a blood-spatter expert could plausibly be invited to. Deb interrupts him, her voice trembling, saying LaGuerta pulled her off the Trinity case. You know, because she's a victim in said case. Did Deb not consider that? (The answer is no, of course Deb did not consider that.) Dexter, who is pretty much the opposite of how broken up Deb is about this, and doing a poor job of covering it, tries to bright-side things, saying this now frees Deb up to help out Miami Metro "in so many ways." Deb heroically refrains from punching her brother in the nose, instead noting, "I love ya, bro, but sometimes you're a fucking 'tard." Dex goes back to his search for a convention. He lingers on a weather convention in Tampa. Cut to...

Dexter, in LaGuerta's office, starts rambling about how better understanding the science behind meteorology could have untold benefits in his crime scene analysis, on and on, yammering enthusiastically. Finally, when he stops to take a breath, LaGuerta's like, "If I let you go, will you stop talking?" But Dexter doesn't stop talking, in fact he goes back to speedily making his case, at which point the POV switches from LaGuerta to Rita, who also waits for Dexter to run out of steam before giving Dex a confused look and a shrugged-shoulder acquiescence. Man, that couples therapy has done wonders for the shady crap Rita will once again let Dexter pull. She does barter with him, however; in exchange for taking off this weekend, Dexter can cover for her during her Tuesday night yoga classes. She also mentions that next-door neighbor (and recently single, if you recall last week's unsubtle breadcrumb-dropping) Elliott is taking the kids fishing on Saturday. Dex doesn't give much of an indication one way or the other whether this bothers him, but he's been steadily more proprietary over his family this season, so we can guess.

We see Dexter packing a bag for his trip, including his murderin' tools as well as the bludgeoning hammer Arthur gave him. Meanwhile, Arthur is also packing, which includes portioning out some of his sister's ashes into a travel vial. Kind of like you do with your contact lens solution.

The next morning, Dexter scares the crap out of Arthur as he's preparing to leave school for Tampa. He asks if he can grab a ride to Tampa and help on the build. Arthur declines and starts to drive off, but "Kyle" is increasingly desperate, talking about how he needs to get out of here, and out of here (pointing to his head). To a less murderously unhinged man, Dexter's words and demeanor here would be setting off every alarm bell you have. But with Arthur, Dexter's appeals to his charitable posturing (he references "generosity of spirit") and messianic tendencies ("you're the only one who can help me") eventually wear him down. He lets Dexter into the passenger seat and drives off.

Back at Miami Metro, LaGuerta, Angel, Quinn, and Masuka go over the Trinity case out in the open, while Deb stands at her desk not five yards away, eavesdropping and correcting them under her breath. They go over the description of Trinity as determined by the forensics and Lundy's research: close to 6'4", blue eyes, age 50-60. Angel snarks that this description will come in mighty handy among the retirees of Miami. Deb keeps miming instructions for Quinn, though he's Quinn and therefore an idiot and mistakes "DNA swab tests" for the blowjob motion. He finally gets it and proposes a targeted sweep, roadblocks where they'd collect DNA swabs from motorists. This kind of thing has worked for them in the past. The downside? Well, it'd cost a bajillion dollars, it's completely unconstitutional, and it totally fucks up Masuka's weekend (he's planning on twins!). But other than that ... LaGuerta says she'll look into the budgetary concerns (Angel flirtily offers to help her), they decide to hold the roadblocks over Thanksgiving weekend to circumvent the courts, and Masuka ... will have to suck it up. Aw.

On the ride to Tampa, Dexter is just annoying the holy shit out of Trinity, asking a billion questions. Dexter really seems to enjoy pushing Trinity's buttons -- it's been a subtle throughline in these last few episodes. Is he purposefully testing the foundation for weak spots, so to speak? Or is this more of a genuine "yappy lapdog" relationship than even Dexter would like to admit? Arthur finally tells him to shut his trap, then asks him what he's so troubled about anyway. Dexter's vague about "I did something," which annoys Arthur even more. Dex distracts by pointing out a pit stop. At the rest area, Arthur again prods "Kyle" to reveal his secret, seeming to believe helping Kyle through this is a directive from "God." Hrm. Dexter stonewalls and evades, until Arthur finally screams, "TELL ME, KYLE!" Well, now they're just making a scene. Arthur gets up to leave, which is when Dexter admits, "I killed a man." Now, lest we start to think Dexter is feeling more confessional than he should be, he makes up some cock and bull about a hunting accident. Again, as with Rita in couples' counseling, he's unburdening himself by telling the "truth," if not the actual truth. But the remorse he's feeling does seem to be genuine, and he almost gets overcome with emotion for a second. That's...jarring to see. And Arthur seems equally genuine in his empathy, which is a surprise to Dexter. Arthur stresses that confession is good for the soul and that Dexter's going to be okay.

That night, at the motel, DVO has recovered from the momentary shock and is steeling itself -- and Dexter -- for killing Arthur. He gets a call from Debra, asking about crime scene photos from the latest suicide jumper. Dexter directs her to his computer and says to have Masuka give her access. I tell you, I was certain this would lead to Debra finding that half-shredded pick of Laura Moser in Dexter's desk, or something equally incriminating. Anyway, Deb closes with this gem of an instruction to her meteorology-conference-attending bro: "If you run into that weather guy, Sonny Skies, tell him he's got a stupid name." HA! Oh Deb, you are my favorite.

Dex tears out a hardware store ad from the yellow pages, but he's met at his door by an effusive Arthur (his mood has picked up quite considerably now that he knows Dexter killed someone), who says he's got a surprise excursion for them tomorrow, as opposed to going to the build. Dexter doesn't like surprises and says so, but Arthur, practically hopping up and down, assures him he'll like this one. Dex shuts the door and exhales annoyedly. DVO whines a bit about whether the surprise will be a magical cure for remorse (there's a theme of REMORSE in this episode???) and then decides killing Arthur tomorrow night would be just as well.

Back at the station, Angel and LaGuerta crunch the numbers, unsuccessfully, and try to keep from staring at one another, also unsuccessfully. But hey, it's late, and they're the only ones still at the station, and is that mandolin music I hear on the soundtrack? I think we all know what that means. Sadly, their epic Stare of Longing and Imminent Lovemaking is interrupted by stupid Quinn, who is druuuunk. He was at the bar with "the guys" who all decided they would donate one vacation day to help finance catching Trinity. Oh, man, the union head is NOT gonna like that one. Angel and LaGuerta are thrilled, though, as this should fund the whole operation. They're even happier when Quinn stumbles his drunk ass out again. They hug over their good fortune, the sexy mandolins return, and pretty soon it is ON. And by "on," I mean "on top of the table in the conference room." I knew Amanda Woodward returning to television would have positive repercussions!

Later, Quinn's still drunk when Christine wakes him up with a knock on his door. Get this: She says her editor is breathing down her neck for a "lead that bleeds," and if she doesn't come up with one...what, I guess she's fired? I can't decide whether Quinn doesn't immediately see through this because he's drunk or because he's stupid. Like, he knows she's trying to take advantage of him, I guess, but then he lets her talk him into "giving [her] support," which in this case means hugging her while she cases his apartment for something she can use. Something like the DNA-sampling protocols. Another red flag he fails to spot: Christine turns down sex and hightails it outta there once she's gotten her lead. I don't care how drunk and/or dumb he is, you're not turning that down unless you have an agenda.

The next morning, Dexter's on his way to the meteorology conference (if order to establish an alibi), but he's shanghai'd by Arthur in the parking lot. Turnabout being fair play and all. Arthur is disturbingly excited for whatever surprise he has in store for Dexter. So much so that he does this spazzy little dance, which I believe is half a Charleston and half that Puff Daddy dance from the late '90s. Either way, Arthur, you can kill as many people as you want, just never do that again. Dexter seems similarly unnerved and wonders if Arthur's "mask is crumbling." I think we've long since established Arthur's more bipolar tendencies, yes?

Back at the station, Deb is once again nudging Quinn in the direction of competent police work, but this time he gets his back up about being used as Deb's "tool." Too many ways to take that joke, I'll let y'all choose your own adventure. Deb's like, "Yeah, I'm using you to make you look good, but I wouldn't want you to feel like a tool." She finally gets Quinn to quit crying and ask Masuka for access to Dexter's crime scene photos from the Tarla Grant "suicide." Here again I totally expected this to turn into Quinn finding something incriminating in Dexter's work space. Masuka's busy supervising the assemblage of DNA kits. He and Quinn get to talking shop which, because it's them, quickly turns into talking about nailing chicks. Specifically the chicks one could nail at the kind of "geekfest" Dexter's at. Masuka assures Quinn the tail is plentiful. Quinn's like, "For you, sure, but Poin-Dexter?" I'm...I'm trying...is Quinn actually floating the notion that Dexter is somehow less fuckable than Masuka? I guess this is how we know that Quinn has officially gone off the deep end into a Doakes-like, Dexter-hating psychosis. Anyway, Masuka sticks up for Dex in his own way, which means bragging about the time when Dex was nailing Lila on the side. "That chick was crazy. Literally. I could tell you stories." Jesus, Masuka, that shit was bad enough the first time around. No mas.

At home, Rita's feeding baby Harrison when Elliott returns with the kids. They all caught fish, so everyone's happy. Even Astor, which means somewhere in heaven, an angel is crying. Rita says they can eat the fish once Dexter gets home, since that's his kind of thing. But Elliott interjects himself -- innocently or not is up to you -- and says he can easily gut a fish, and while Rita is reticent, they make de facto dinner plans with the kids. So now we know what all that hinting about Elliott and his breakup from last week was leading to.

In Tampa, Arthur pulls the van up in front of a house; Dexter's confused. Arthur bounds up the steps and rings the bell about eight times. The older Asian man who answers isn't interested in what Art's selling, but Arthur presses on with that manic look on his face. "I grew up here," he explains, before pushing past the owner and his wife and bounding up the stairs. Dex follows, all awkward-like (he bows to the owners -- awesome). Once upstairs, Dex sees Arthur has stalled at the bathroom door, all the energy of a moment ago now gone. He explains, as Dexter leads him slowly inside, that this is where it all started, for him; this is where his sister died. He explains how his 10-year-old self was standing in the doorway, watching his sister shower ("it was innocent," he stresses), and she saw him and slipped, falling through the shower door. "The glass sliced her leg," Arthur recalls, as we all connect the dots to the sliced femoral artery in the bathtub killings. DVO relates to Arthur, as they were both "born in blood," metaphorically.

Arthur goes on to recount how his parents blamed him for Vera's death. Mother eventually killed herself, while his dad became an even more abusive drunk. "Little pervert fucking cunt, you killed them," he spits, dipping into the Tourette's-like state he was in as he ramped up to his bludgeoning a few weeks back. DVO deduces that Arthur was the one who killed his dad. Coming somewhat back to his senses, Arthur tells Dexter he never told anyone this. The look on his face says it may have been freeing. He says he told it to Dexter so he'd know he's not alone. So right now, you've got two serial killers having this odd breakthrough of "honesty" by outing themselves as accidentally responsible for the death of an "innocent." I wonder if Arthur has found a way to think of his victims as guilty like Dexter has. Arthur asks Dex if he feels better, but the house's owners show up to say they've called the police, and Arthur and Dexter skedaddle before Dex can answer.

The cute coffee-van boy notices Debra loading her coffee up with sugar, which Deb cutely owns. That half a second of good feeling is interrupted by Christine, who is sniffing around Deb for a story. She lays down the bait, mentioning the DNA roadblocks, but Deb's too smart for that. She stonewalls as best she can. Rather hilariously, Christine tries to play the "my editor's breathing down my neck" card, which I'm not sure works on cops whose dick isn't about to be in your mouth. Deb tells her not to go with the story, lest she embarrass herself. But then she shows too many of her cards by agreeing to the interview Christine's been after. This seems to be the better option for Christine, so she jumps on it.

Dexter and Arthur hit up a diner for lunch. That diner happens to be right next door to the meteorology convention, which gives Dex a chance to hop on over and establish his alibi. Serendipitously, he does so by snapping a pic with the very Sonny Skies of Debra's discontent. Sadly, Dex does not take the opportunity to tell him he has a stupid fucking name. He sends the pic to Rita, though Rita is too busy horsing around the kitchen with Elliott and the kids, clearly already committing playfulness adultery.

When Dexter returns to the diner, he finds Arthur has glommed onto another unsuspecting family. He's acting manic again, and has situated himself in their corner booth, pretty much holding them hostage and telling them all about his trip home and the bathroom where his sister died. Dexter gingerly sits down with them and looks for a graceful way to get Arthur the hell out of there. Suddenly, we've got a very "dealing with senile Grandpa" dynamic between these two. Arthur is about to tell the family about "Kyle's" confession to him when Dexter finally gets up and says they're leaving. Arthur's annoyed, but he shows no hesitation in getting up and taking off. On their way out, Arthur gets grumpy again and calls Dexter "rude." He says remorse is his problem -- he needs to shed it. Dexter offers that he could shed it maybe through giving. He asks if they can stop by a hardware store so he can buy some things to donate to the build.

At Miami Metro, Deb's in the ladies' room, looking through some Trinity files on the sly. She covers them up when LaGuerta walks in. Of course, LaGuerta's humming a song, which is the international signal for "I'm getting' some, but it's a secret." So we're in something of a Mexican standoff of deception, and though each woman is onto the other, they both back down. After LaGuerta leaves, Debra drops the file, and in bending over to pick it up, she pulls some stitches. She lifts up her shirt to get a better look at it, and when she does, something dawns on her. "Mother shit fuck," she says, which is what she says when something dawns on her.

Deb makes a beeline for Masuka's office and, after a short little play titled "Debra Takes Off Her Shirt for Legit Evidence-Gathering Purposes and Masuka Becomes Incapable of Functioning Like the 40% of a Man He Is," they get to the reason Deb is freaked. The location of Deb's wounds suggest a trajectory that isn't consistent with how tall they've got Trinity. Deb was shot by someone significantly shorter. "Fucking fuck," Deb says, realizing that Trinity didn't shoot her. (I'd holler about calling this, but it seemed kinda obvious, right?) Deb plays this scene out with a question: "Then who the fuck shot me?"

Back in Tampa, Dexter and Arthur return to the hotel after some hardware shopping (Art compliments Dex's shrewd purchase of plastic sheeting, har har har). Dexter feigns like he's sleepy, so Arthur takes off, first shaking Dex's hand and solemnly proclaiming them "kindred spirits." With Arthur gone, DVO hopes Arthur goes right to sleep, no surprises.

Back home, Rita and Elliott sit around, after dinner, polishing off a bottle of wine. Bad idea, Rita, come on. When Rita begs off more wine, Elliott teases that she's a lightweight, causing Rita to reminisce about her days as a "dress-over-the-head party girl." She's instantly embarrassed by this, but Elliott assures her he finds her completely charming. Blah, blah, blah, Rita feels weird.

Tampa. We montage our way through Dexter outfitting his hotel room in plastic wrap. It's fine and functional, but with none of the joie de vivre of past kills. Where are the rotating murals? Where are the mementos of his victims? Oh, wait, he has photos at least. I have always loved this aspect of Dexter. This "hectoring Jewish mother" side of him that will never ever let you live anything down. The last two photos are of Lundy and Deb because this shit got personal. Kind of. As the clock strikes quarter to five, Dexter fills up his syringe and ventures to the room next door.

Dexter sneaks into Trinity's room and skulks up to the bed...but no one is there. He's gone. He heads out to the parking lot and sees the van's still there but his tools are gone. DVO deduces he's gone to the Habitat for Inhumanity build. And in the half-second it takes to cut to Arthur standing on a high floor of the quite unfinished house, the sun has come up. Dexter's checking out the site on the assumption that Trinity's come to make a kill (which, if you'd stop to think about it, you'd know he's not; the bathtub is the first kill in his cycle, and ain't no bathtubs in this half-finished house). Dex spots Arthur on the third level and is so caught up in his own kill that he doesn't seem to notice Arthur zombie-walking to the edge in the international gesture for I'm Gonna Jump to My Death. Dex gets up to the third floor and watches Arthur, his back turned, dump a vial of ashes over the ledge. As he inches his feet to the edge, DVO finally starts to wonder what's up. We see about a dozen long sections of rebar sticking up from the ground below, just waiting to impale something. He puts his arms out in the Jesus pose, then starts to fall.

"No, you're mine!" gasps DVO, as Dexter lurches ahead to grab Arthur. He's almost too late but he manages to catch him by the arm. So Arthur's dangling, as we've seen in so many lesser TV shows and movies. "This isn't how you die," Dexter says. There's anger in his voice, but in the heat of the moment it can easily be mistaken for adrenaline. Arthur whimpers, "Let me go!" Man, for such a fearsome killer, Arthur can be a GIANT pussy. Seeing that -- or, more accurately, seeing that killing Arthur and letting him die ("as long as it's by my hand") end up with the same man dead -- Dexter contemplates letting him drop. But just as he's about to let go, two construction workers show up from completely out of nowhere to pull Arthur to safety. That really did not sit well with me. Not only the dues ex day-laboria but also Dexter's thought process. For a second there, I was intrigued by the idea of Dexter needing to kill Arthur rather than just let him die. Remember, Herr Dark Passenger is a beast that needs to be fed, blah blah blah. "As long as it's by my hand" covers the bases, but there's a blood lust in Dexter that's not gonna be satiated by letting Trinity fall off a building. This is a seriously OCD creature of habit, remember. I don't entirely buy that Dexter is satisfied unless he can cut that body up, place it into six equal-sized bags, and dump it in the ocean. Not to mention that, this way, it seems like Dexter's endgame is justice (seeing the bad guys get killed) rather than killing. But anyway. Arthur's pulled to safety.

DVO deduced that Arthur's suicide plan was why he was able to unburden himself of his remorse. Is that what it'll take for Dexter to do the same? "I thought God sent you so that I could save you," Arthur tells Dexter, showing no indication that he recognized that Dex was about to let him fall. "But God had another plan. He sent you to save me." Dexter seems thrilled to have played such a part in this man's religious delusion. Arthur thanks Dexter as the parade of magical construction workers congratulate each other for saving the day. DVO congratulates Arthur on his reprieve.

At Miami Metro, Debra has just presented her findings re: her own shooting to LaGuerta, Angel, and Quinn. LaGuerta bright-sides that at least this means Deb can join the Trinity case again, since she's no longer a victim of his. She even gets to take lead on it. As for who shot Deb and Lundy? Angel's taking that one. As he assures Deb he'll find the fucker who shot her, he sits down on the edge of the conference table. At which point it promptly buckles and sends Angel straight to the ground. You know that whole pickle-jar theory where one person pulls and pulls and the next person gets it in one try? The "I loosened it for you" gambit? This is kind of like that. LaGuerta and Angel having pulled on that pickle jar all night last night. Meeting adjourned.

At her desk, Deb promises Lundy's FBI shield that she's gonna get Trinity for him.

Arthur and Dexter drive back to Miami. And boy must THAT be an awkward drive home. DVO blathers on and on about remorse, and Arthur mistakes the thousand-yard stare for staring at him. He seems awfully chipper for a guy who not only tried to shish-kebab himself several hours ago but also has seen his mood swing with the warm Florida breeze lately. He tells Dex he was confused before, but not anymore. And he'd appreciate if Dexter kept this whole ugly "accident" under his cap. Just like Arthur will never mention "Kyle's" "accident." This I do kind of like. The one level of mutually-assured destruction that masks a whole, more brutal level of mutually-assured destruction.

Arthur pulls up to traffic at a standstill. DVO notes that it's one of Debra's DNA sweeps. Dex plays it cool -- he knows he wants Trinity to himself, so this checkpoint is no good. But he wants to make it Trinity who must weasel out of it. Dexter calmly notes that this is probably for that serial killer the papers are talking about. "They have his DNA," Dexter feeds him, "and they're looking for a match." Arthur, to his credit, plays it just as cool. He calmly notes other cars pulling U-turns to get out of the logjam, and he follows suit. After a few more moments of DVO yammering about remorse we're out.

Next week: Jonah Mitchell makes a move. Though probably not the kind I'm hoping for.

Joe Rthinks you're picking up what he's putting down. He can be reached for lavish praise and nothing but at joseph.reid21@gmail.com.

Discuss this episode in our forums, then see why vloggers Val and Beth think Dexter is an accurate representation of Florida in TV is the Answer.

Jack's office. Lemon asks him for a minute to discuss her conundrum, but Jack is absorbed by a New York Post headline about Don Geiss' estranged son suing Cathy for the control of the company. He rues families as a general concept and tells Lemon to talk about what she came here for. She tells him how she's being forced out of her apartment. He advises her to use her Dealbreakers money to buy it. She wonders if she should buy a bigger place to plan for a family with her dream-hubby-to-be -- astronaut Mike Dexter. Jack thinks she should do whatever it takes to secure her future. Because "in New York real estate, there are no rules. It's like check-in at an Italian airport." Credits.

Downstairs, Lemon finds Frank peeing in jars she formerly thought were used to make sun tea. Toofer comes in an acknowledges that they have a "gentleman's agreement" re: the sun tea. Lemon wonders what TGS would be like without the feminine touch of her, Cerie and Sue. Quoth Frank: "I'd take my pants off and eat chicken wings." Sounds about right. Lemon tells him to toss the jars.

Upstairs, Jack watches Bertram Geiss on TV vowing to fight his sister to the death. Shouldn't be too hard, since Cathy's lawyer is Teddy Ruxpin. Jack shuts off the TV, and Kenneth walks in. Jack tasks him with a five percent energy reduction at TGS as part of NBC's annual green initiative. Kenneth doesn't really believe in all that "scientist talk" about global warming, but he agrees to do Jack's bidding.

Over at Lemon's building, she knocks on the door of her upstairs neighbor, Brian (Nate Corddry). He has a killer apartment and moans about how all the yuppies in the building have been trying to bribe him to sell his apartment. The guy upstairs even offered him $10,000. Lemon casually slips the $20 bill back into her pocket. He complains about how the neighborhood has gone to chain stores and fancy restaurants. Lemon gets all "Power to the people" with him until she notices that he has a working fireplace. He says it's great, except the flue doesn't work, so it smells like Burger King all day and Cinnabon all night. Lemon bites her lip, lest the sound of ecstasy escape. Mike suggests they team up to fight the powers that be. He tells her he's got room in his extra bedroom. Lemon realizes this is a two-bedroom apartment and faints.

Later, back at the studio, Lemon tells Jenna her new, ill-formed plan to pretend to move in with Brian all the while driving him out, buying his place and constructing her dream apartment. Lemon feels bad, but Jenna tells her not to: "This is Manhattan real estate. There are no rules -- like check-in at an Italian sex party." She says she's been waiting for her next-door neighbor to croak for years. At least Lemon has a foot in the door. Jenna vows to teach Lemon how to create maximum drama so that her guy roommate will willingly flee. As you might imagine, Jenna is a pro at this.

Down the hall, Jack checks with Lemon to make sure she isn't making fun of Don Geiss in the show that week. She assures him he's not. Then he walks into Tracy's dressing room to ask if having a family is all it's cracked up to be. Tracy says no, fairly graphically. Jack admits that seeing Geiss go through all these trials with his children has affirmed that he is not meant to have any, and therefore he is planning to have a vasectomy. Tracy, sick of having to censor his screwed-up strip club stories when the kids are around, vows to get a vasectomy, too. A little too late for that, buddy.

Jenna's dressing room. Kenneth flurries in to unplug all her chargers in an effort to reduces the TGS carbon footprint.

Dr. Spaceman's office. He urges Jack and Tracy to think things through before they go through with their vasectomies. He asks whether they want local or general anesthesia and bids them adieu until the next morning.

Back at her new shared apartment, Lemon has put on the full Lauren Conrad, running-mascara look to freak out her roommate Brian. She screams and throws shoes at him while threatening to put on a wedding gown and jump in front of the subway. Instead of flipping out like she would have liked, he empathizes with how much men suck and offers to make her raspberry mojitos to smooth things over. In case you didn't realize by now, Brian's gay.

30 Rock. Lemon tells Jenna her plan backfired. Tracy tells Lemon what worked for him: Black people moved in, and his neighbors moved out. Lemon thinks he's on to something. Tracy says he's full of good ideas and excuses himself to go have a vasectomy in front of his son.

Later, Kenneth approaches Lemon to tell her about green week at NBC. She wonders if NBC will actually do something this year instead of just putting that "stupid green peacock" at the bottom corner of the screen. Kenneth anxiously averts his eyes down and to the left (where, sure enough, there's a little green NBC logo), then tells Lemon she needs to get rid of her mini-fridge. She hems and haws about it, but eventually gives it up to prove to Frank that she's a good and decent person. Then she acts a little bit racist by assuming a random black girl in the studio stole her cell phone. Whoops!

Hospital. Tracy receives his anesthesia and sinks into his hallucination. The setting: The Cosby's Brooklyn apartment/a trash heap. Tracy/Cliff calls out to his daughters (Rudy, Vanessa and "Sondra the boring one"). In marches Tracy Jr./Theo. Tracy/Cliff asks where the girls are, and Tracy Jr./Theo says it's just the guys there. Tracy/Cliff beholds the garbage piles and realizes that his life never evolved into the glorious, harmonious existence of The Cosby Show because he never had girls. The laugh track cackles, and Tracy/Cliff tells it not to patronize him. He wants out.

Lemon's new pad. Brian comes in (in his "This is what a feminist looks like" T-shirt) to check on Lemon. She pretends like she didn't realize he'd be home, screaming the last few words loud enough to cue her "crazy black boyfriend, Astronaut Mike Dexter." Pounding on the door. Lemon opens it, and Dot Com storms in shouting about how any man in the apartment "better be gay." Dot Com shouts about how he'll "be comin' by all the time, gettin' jealous, takin' things outta context..." He suggests Brian would be happier moving out. Brian tells them to calm down. While Lemon and Dot Com argue over obscure '90s references, Brian grabs his nightstick and takes down Dot Com with a pot shot to the knee. Lemon concedes that Brian the Gay Hipster Cop is a complex man. Brian smiles like only a New York City policeman can as he cuffs Dot Com.

Back in the doctor's waiting room, Jack rues the downfall of the Geiss dynasty and affirms his choice to get a vasectomy. Tracy Jr. argues that even the most messed-up families have some good times in them. To wit, he's working on a school project where he assigns words to the letters in his father's name (an acrostic, Jack teaches him, taking on a bit of a fatherly role). Tracy Jr. reads the poem: "'T' is for terrific, 'R' is for rad. 'A' is for awesome, 'C' -- 'cause he's my dad." Jack pushes down a sentimental tear: "Damn you, Tracy Jr."

Back at the office, Kenneth chastises Lemon for hanging on to her mini-fridge in defiance of the green initiative. She says she deserves to keep it, because she's losing her apartment. Frank tut-tuts her, and she asks him what he knows about being green. Kenneth counters that Frank is, in fact, the greenest person on the show because he never lets anything go to waste, including others' food in the garbage, and he never washes his clothes. Lemon notes the health hazard of Frank's "sun tea" making, but Kenneth points her to a beautiful flower box Frank has cultivated outside of his window by pouring his jars of urine there. Kenneth tells her she has two options: 1.) Give up her mini-fridge or 2.) Let Frank continue with his "sun tea" experiment. She opts for the latter.

Back at the hospital, Tracy wakes from his hallucination and begs Dr. Spaceman not to go through with the vasectomy. Luckily, Jack aborted the operation before it began ("If a patient's friend runs into the operating room and yells at you, you have to stop. It's the doctor's code."). Jack, who nixed his vasectomy also, looks forward to the day his luscious-locked children can play with Tracy's.

30 Rock. Lemon is nearly ready to admit defeat in her attempt to push Brian out of the apartment... until she sees Frank filling up his "sun tea" jars from the communal water cooler. Cut to that night, as she is filling up on fluid and crossing her legs like an about-to-burst first grader. She hears the door opening and starts to unzip her pants. Brian comes in and beholds the unholy sight with a look that can only be described as horror. The next morning, she runs jubilantly into the studio, announcing that she got the apartment. Jenna asks her how, and she tries to dance around the answer, but Frank is nearby. He's onto her. He tells her she's the disgusting one. Instead of using the system to stop global warming, she's used it to kick a gay cop out of his apartment. She shouts boisterously that she has no regrets. It's Manhattan real estate, after all. No rules -- like checking in at an Italian gelato parlor. She triumphantly tosses her tote toward the sky like Mary Tyler Moore. Which would have worked if not for the low ceilings.

Over in Tracy's dressing room, Tracy proudly hangs up his acrostic from Tracy Jr. Frank runs in, excited that Tracy can finally tell his sordid strip club story. Tracy vows never to tell the story now that he's having a daughter because the story is demeaning to women -- "especially if they had their boobies sneezed on by a tiger."

Outside in the hall, Kenneth praises a handyman for changing a standard light bulb to a more eco-friendly fluorescent. The handyman steps down from his ladder, and it's Al Gore. He starts expostulating about how the key to climate change is much more than just changed light bulbs, it's shifting policy. Kenneth seems a bit baffled as Gore makes his way down the hall. Gore gives a final proviso for Kenneth to contact his lawmakers and "recycle everything -- even jokes." Then he hears a whale in trouble and runs off, ripping off his clothes as he goes like a fumbling, formerly woodsman-esque Superman.

Later, Kenneth happily reports to Jack that TGS has reduced its carbon footprint. Jack says he, too, has played a part in the reduction. He's traded his exotic flowers for azaleas from Frank's window box. Yes, friends. Those would be the "sun tea" azaleas. Jack inhales the fragrant piss and encourages an anguished-looking Kenneth to do the same, as they are still "sprinkled with morning dew." Ever the faithful page, Kenneth reluctantly takes a big whiff.

Oh, how I love the smell of punch lines in the morning...

Talk to the Geiss
Jack: Don Geiss is my hero, my mentor, a great man. Holding up one finger to get someone to stop talking -- he invented that.
Lemon: I don't think--
Jack [holds up one finger to shush her]: And now! He's being publicly humiliated by his own family. This is why I'm glad I never had children, and why I never will.
Lemon: Oh, Jack, you don't mean that.
Jack: Geiss also invented the abrupt conversational segue... Talk about your thing now.

The Madonna/Gwyneth/Donaghy School of Real Estate
Lemon: I love my building, but if I'm going to buy a place, it should be a big place where I can have a family.
Jack: Then spend some of your Dealbreakers money. Buy two apartments.
Lemon: What?
Jack: You know why my place is so big? When I was first married to my ex-wife, we lived in the basement. Over the years, I kept buying the floors above me to make room for the family I thought we'd have. Well now I have something better than a family: A walk-in humidor, a lap pool and a replica of the Irish pub where my grandmother was born.

Think Global, Poach Local
Jack: Kenneth, I have a task for you.
Kenneth: Is it menial?
Jack: As part of NBC's annual green initiative, TGS has to reduce its carbon footprint. I'm putting you in charge of that effort.
Kenneth: [makes quote fingers] "Global warming," sir? I'm sorry. That's just a bunch of scientist talk. Same people that would have you believe my great-grandfather was a monkey. If he was a monkey, then why was he killed by a monkey?
Jack: You're preaching to the choir, Kenneth. I mean, I love the earth. I have these blossoms flown in every morning from Sri Lanka on a private jet. That's the definition of green. And yet they force us to do more... more sacrifices. Why? For the children. What have children ever done for us?
Kenneth: Well, they make our shoes and wallets.

Kids Say the Effed-Up-est Things
Jack: Tracy.
Tracy Jr.: What's up, Donaghy?
Jack: Tracy Jr., to what do we owe this visit?
Tracy: It's Take Your Black Kid to Work Day.
Jack: Do you ever regret having children?
Tracy: Every day. I thought having family was gon' be like The Cosby Show: "Oh no, Vanessa went to a concert." "Oh no, Rudy and I are making a sandwich for 25 minutes." The Cosby Show was a lie. Having a family can be the worst. For example, I have this strip club story from this weekend I need to tell you, Jackie D. It's disgusting. But I can't because I got this little d-bag here.
Tracy Jr.: I know what that means.
Tracy: And yet you won't tell me!
Jack: I've been thinking a lot about family lately, about my legacy. I've been watching a friend go through an ordeal with his children, and it has only affirmed that I was not meant to have any of my own. And that I never will.
Tracy Jr.: It's not that simple. Now, what if a girl tries to trap you, like Nicole tried to do me on the band trip. Bitches can be tricky... I'm goin' to get some strawberry milk. [Walks out.]
Tracy: Whoa, whoa, whoa-whoa-whoa! I mean, having a family is also the best thing a man could-- [Look to make sure Tracy Jr. is gone.] He's gone. So I'm in the strip club with Charles Barkley and one of the hobbits--
Tracy Jr. [walks back in]: Hey daddy!
Tracy: Damn it! I can't live like this! I'm gettin' a vasectomy, too.

Jenna in Charge
Kenneth: Excuse me, Miss Maroney.
Jenna: Kenneth, I'm doing my Kegels right now, what is it?
Kenneth: Well, I've been put in charge of reducing TGS's carbon footprint, and everyone has to chip in.
Jenna: Kenneth, I once took a low-volume shower with Ed Begley, Jr. What more can I do?
Kenneth: Well, let's see... [Pulls out pamphlet.] Minka Kelly says, "My show is about football. There is a football team called The Chargers. Unplug your charger."
Jenna: But Kenneth, I need all of these. This one's for my cell phone. This one's for my laptop. This one's for my erotic massager. And this one's for something personal.

To Each His Own... Vasectomy
Dr. Spaceman: A vasectomy is a very serious decision. I want to make sure you've both thought this through.
Jack: I have. I've thought about it and decided I don't want to have children.
Dr. Spaceman [checks box]: "Family Planning." And what about you, Tracy?
Tracy: The Cosby Show lied to me!
Dr. Spaceman [laughs]: I don't think there's a box for that on the form. What about "Cheers Lied to Me?" Now, for the procedure you can choose between local or general anesthesia. I should warn you that general anesthesia can cause powerful hallucinations. So... I'd highly recommend it. I'll schedule both of you for the morning. Now this is surgery, so don't eat anything before you come in -- 'cause I'll have a big breakfast waiting for you. Until tomorrow, gentleman... We all see the little black boy waiting in the corner, right?
Jack and Tracy nod heads at Tracy Jr.
Dr. Spaceman: Okay, whew!

Wench Quench
Lemon: Brian is gay, Jenna. The drama did not make him want to move out.
Jenna: Well of course not. Drama is like Gay Man Gatorade, it replenishes their electrolytes.

Priceless Junk, Indeed
Jack: The Geiss name used to be synonymous with success, power, funny incidents where women died at barbecues. Now it's being dragged through the mud. This is why I'm having a vasectomy.
Tracy Jr.: Yeah, but look at that picture. He had some good times with his kids, too. That junk is priceless.

One Man's Garbage, Another's Green
Kenneth: Ladies and gentleman, may I present to you the greenest person at TGS, Mr. Frank Rossitano. He never wastes anything. I've seen him eat from the trash.
Frank: What's a trash can but a big salad bowl filled with trash?

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Scotty and Kevin are huddled over their computer excited at the prospect of picking their egg donor. Scotty giddily remarks that this picking their baby mama online is so strange for him, because he never even hooked up with somebody online! Kevin scoffs and then quietly agrees, but Scotty's not that dim and Kevin finally confesses to maybe hooking up with somebody like once maybe. My thought is that Scotty is super hot and never needed to use online dating to find a tasty morsel, unlike, say, Kevin. Scotty rolls his eyes and they get back to the matter at hand. They count down and click the mouse and...the screen fills up with well over a 100 women dying to donate their eggs. Kevin and Scotty are stunned, but I am not. Egg donors get paid A LOT of money, at least according to the advertisements at the movie theater, and in this economy you know that is tempting. Although you do have to fill out a lot of forms . Also, you have to be willing to do this to yourself, frequently, which I am not. And there is something called "egg harvesting" but disappointingly I couldn't find a YouTube video of it. (#InternetFAIL) Scotty and Kevin just can't seem to whittle down the donors. In fact, the only criteria they can agree on is that maybe the donor should be tall. Everything else is completely open and subject to Kevin's notion of "the best". Scotty doesn't look hopeful.

Sarah sits in Nora's kitchen while she does a five minute infomercial on the benefits of Latisse. Apparently Nora has a proven medical need for thicker lashes, pretty much the same way that older men have a medical condition for which they require Viagra. Sarah is truly impressed that Nora likes this guy so much, but Nora resists that labeling. She's just had a few meals with him and nothing more. He's twenty years younger than her and she thinks his interest in her is verging on the fetishistic. Sarah rolls her eyes and then picks up an American flag, hums a full stanza of "The Star-Spangled Banner" and then launches into a rant about how Luc doesn't have a Social Security card. She obviously hasn't spent enough time in France, because she thinks that doing laundry, going to the market, and spending time at the gym seems unambitious for the day. Nora reminds her that Luc is not Joe, but before she can elaborate and explain the actual differences between the two, Sarah's phone rings. It's Saul. Work beckons!

Jane, the new and hitherto unknown chairman of the Ojai Board, can not believe that they aren't entering any of Walker Landing's fine products into the upcoming wine festival. It's such a wonderful opportunity for brand exposure blah blah blah fishcakes. Quit boring me with business talk and get to the dramas! After turning the thumbscrews on Holly, the team decides to taste the new cheap wine, which they are calling "Coastal Reserve". Doesn't that have the ring of a screwtop varietal? Holly protests that the wine isn't ready and they should hold off until next quarter, but Jane insists the company needs saving now. So they all troop to pay homage to the giant metal wine casks and Saul pours himself a draught. They all toast and sip, except Rebecca who is knocked up. I'm half expecting someone to notice that she doesn't swill it and call her out on it, but we are spared that pregnancy-outing cliché. Saul takes the first sip. Everyone waits for his tortured gag, but surprisingly, he loves it. He thinks it has a depth of flavor and interesting undertones and it should totally be entered in the wine festival. Saul actually thinks it should even compete in the table wine class at tomorrow's festival. Everyone chokes on their sips and then they start scampering to get production underway. Sarah's job is to convince Luc to design the label. Ryan's job is to look twitchy. Obviously.

OMG. For some reason (probably because of Glee's popularity), Kitty has decided that her new wig should look exactly like Sue Sylvester's hair, except in a far more unflattering color. This is unflattering. Also, unsettling. What is even more unsettling is that The Senator likes it. He really, really likes it. He starts pulling his finest Gomez Addams impersonation and kissing her all over, despite the fact that he has a flight to catch.

Sarah isn't having nearly as much fun as her sister. She is watching her handsome au pair fold laundry and try to convince Monsieur Artiste that a wine label is just a tiny painting. He is not amused or falling for it. He doesn't need the money and he doesn't need the work and he doesn't want to apply for a visa, he just wants to fold Sarah's laundry and take her kids to soccer practice. Is that too much to ask? Sarah whines and he finally consents to do the label, but he is doing it for her, not for him or his career. Sarah looks annoyed, but then he hands her a plate of SHUT THE HELL UP and she does.

Nora and the doctor that she is not dating are dining at a restaurant called Hazumi, and gesundheit. Nora and her luscious lashes lead off the lunch by asking the doctor to take a little looksie at Kitty's test results. He obliges and then she realizes how annoying it must be for doctors to always be offering free medical opinions. Like, make an appointment already, Nora! Well, maybe she'll foot the lunch bill. Nora suggests that their next non-date should be a motorcycle ride up the Pacific Coast Highway to an intimate and secluded lunch spot. The doctor is all aboard, but when Nora mentions the boring old wine festival, he really wants to go there instead. No, doc, trust me, you don't want to go to there. When Nora swears it will just be a big boring work party, he pouts. No, really, he does. He doesn't think Nora will take him to the super funtastic Wine Festival because she is embarrassed by his youth and success. Nora snorts, and then agrees to let him come. C'mon doctor, I thought you were smart! But smart people avoid being around the Walkers when they get their wine on. Bad idea, doctor, bad idea! He agrees to go. Chucklehead.

Know who is not going to be a doctor any time soon? Justin. He's too dim-witted to realize that the spinal cord runs through the abdomen and the thorax and therefore in fact will be included on the exam. Justin groans in dismay, but not nearly as loudly as his Urkel-esque lab partner. Or as loudly as everyone in the study hall when his cell phone rings. Instead of politely silencing it, or stepping outside to answer it, nitwit Justin sits in the middle of the room and yells at Rebecca to stop bugging him because he is busy. She asks if maybe he can step outside and call her back, but no, he can't. He hangs up on her. Wow, Justin was such a dick I am actually starting to feel sympathetic towards Rebecca. What is this show doing to me???

Kitty is staring at herself in the mirror practicing saying, "And that's how Sue Cs it" and twirling her whistle while talking to Nora on the phone. Kitty hopes Sarah won't be mad that she isn't going to the wine festival, but Nora thinks she has a good excuse what with the mobs of fans following her and begging to be one of her Cheerios. Kitty then admits that her wig may be working too well. The fans are one thing, but The Senator seems to actually prefer her to wear the wig when they are making whoopee. Well, who wouldn't prefer to be in bed with a star gymnast with awesome hair? Nora asks if Kitty has let The Senator see her sans hair, but Kitty's eyes get wide in horror at the thought of The Senator seeing her bald head. Besides, he'd probably make her act out some Yul Brenner fantasy or ask her to scrub the floors like Mr. Clean. Nora wants her to give him a chance, but Kitty ignores the suggestion and changes the subject to Nora's role in Cougartown. While Nora pretended to the doctor that she has absolutely no qualms about their age difference, we all knew that was a big old whopping lie, right? With Kitty she doesn't ever pretend. She knows everyone will think she paid him to be her escort. Kitty tells her to either get over it or walk away. They end up making a deal: Nora will take Dr. Motorcycle to the wine festival if Kitty will let The Senator get his Yul Brenner jollies out.

David is back at the office for no apparent reason other than to annoy Holly. If that's your mission David, feel free to stop by every day! Holly is on the phone re-ordering the ukuleles for Rebecca's wedding. Okay then, ukuleles. David looks confused, but Holly is certain that ukuleles will really set the right mood for the festivities. Holly is all cheerful and smiley about her prospects in the face of the in-house success of the new wine. David is more cautious. He thinks Holly should take it slowly because this is her last chance at salvaging her finances and if something goes wrong, she is completely toaster-caked. Holly is convinced and optimistic and David backs down. What, no fight? Boo! Instead, Holly promises to bring home a medal. Boring! I want a fight!

Kevin and Scotty have printed out all the top contenders for egg donor, but the pile is enormous. They are sitting side-by-side on the couch, with their matching laptops perched on their legs, and the detritus of a serious pig-out littering their living room. Scotty wants to take a break, but they have 76 more applicants to go through. Kevin swears that he just wants to do his best to give their kid all the advantages awarded to those with good genetics. He suddenly notices that one of the applicants has never been on a team and tosses her in the trash. This causes Scotty all sorts of consternation and he suddenly starts drawing huge distorted images of Kevin's hypothetical parenting skills and how perfect will never be perfect enough and Kevin will totally make the kid practice piano and his multiplication tables and how to Gap-fold a shirt until the child is perfect. Kevin then rounds on Scotty and thinks he will just let the kid give up whenever something gets too hard. Scotty has had enough. He walks out.

It is evening and Rebecca is at home, waiting by the phone, obviously. It finally rings and she jumps on it and begs Justin to tell her he is on his way home. He's not. He is pulling an all-nighter despite the studies that show that sleep is actually more beneficial than studying after a certain point. Not that Justin would have bothered to read a study what with all the bones he has to memorize. Rebecca gets snippy and Justin gets REALLY snippy back and yells at her about not having time for her work stress. She hangs up on him with a passive-aggressive, "Let me know when you can fit me in." Doesn't she know that with her trump card she can win any argument ever? So when Justin says, "I don't have time for you", she can just say, "I'm pregnant" and she totally wins? She should try it sometime.

Sarah comes home from a long day at the office and finds Luc working hard on the wine label. She begs him to show her his progress, but he won't do it. Then she notices that he drank the entire sample bottle of wine. She gasps like she hasn't done this everyday since Joe left. Also, Luc is French. They do that sort of thing there. He explains that to make the label you have to know the wine. Oh look who's an expert on labels, now? He also liked the wine, which should be a huge compliment to Sarah, but she is too busy insisting on seeing his work even though he really doesn't want to show it. He finally caves and shows her his drafts, but swears it is not done yet. She flips through his scrap paper and finds one she likes and declares it perfect. Luc is getting agitated and reminds her that it is not done yet. She thinks it is, and that he just has too high standards and is insecure. Uh, what? An insecure man does not fly halfway around the world and show up uninvited on a woman's doorstep. An insecure man does not wear his shirt half unbuttoned or teach tango to his girlfriend's family. Who is Sarah calling insecure? He's not insecure, he's pissed. Sarah sits there confused as he hands her his rough draft and walks upstairs.

Nora and Dr. Motorcycle hit the Wine Festival, gather their fancy vendor badges, and enter the fray, with Nora awkwardly pretending she didn't just say she was old enough to have seen the actual Beatles in actual concert because that would make her like a thousand years old or something. She just pretends she knows them from Rock Band. Totally smooth, Nora, I'm sure the doctor won't mind your liver spots and your walker if you say you bought them on that newfangled internet thing. Nora is sooooo not playing it cool in her cougar role. She reminds Dr. Motorcycle that this is a work function and that she will have to, you know, work, five times in the first minute at the festival. Way to party with the younger generation, Nora! He is cool about it and leaves Nora to schmooze. Up first on the schmooze train is annoying ageist chit-chat with Jane, the Chair of the Ojai Board. Jane asks about the young doctor and Nora is annoyingly vague and actually the whole conversation is grating, so let's just move on. Kevin has downloaded the interviews of all the top contenders for egg donors onto his phone. While you would think this was just obnoxiously obvious product placement, they don't actually show the make of the phone. This is just another symptom of Kevin's egg-sanity. Not only has he downloaded all the interviews and is foisting them on his mother in the middle of a work event, but he has memorized every line and is acting along like the interview is a midnight showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Nora begs off the decision making process and tells Kevin to get some wine already. Because a Walker without a wine glass looks completely naked.

Saul and Ryan pour samples of wine to all, while Rebecca spaces out with a giant blinking "PREGNANT" sign over her head and an arrow pointing at her stomach. Meanwhile, Sarah is doing her own schmoozing and is flirtatiously trying to get the lone black man at the event to use their wine in his hotel. Her sales pitch grinds to a halt when Luc shows up. He leans in for a kiss, but Sarah strong arms him into a collegial hug and then rudely introduces him as the label's designer. Oh Sarah, Luc is an artiste and you are insulting him, and really, Sarah is being incredibly dense about this whole thing. She knows that she and Luc got in a tiff over the label last night, she knows that he is really sensitive about it, yet she is clobbering him over the head with it like it is a stale baguette and he is a mime. Sarah then continues to sell Luc as the hottest new graphic designer on the Pacific coast until Saul drags her away to help with something. The hotelier is impressed with Sarah's skills as his agent and Luc woefully replies that he thought she was his girlfriend. Elsewhere, Nora is standing alone with her glass of wine when Jane finds her again. She asks if Nora is looking for her doctor friend, because, as it is every mother's dream to have their daughter married off to a fine bread-winning doctor, she needs to gloat that he is busy talking to her daughter. She is already planning the wedding, when she remembers to ask Nora if he is married already or gay or something else that would make it harder to marry him off to her daughter who is like 30 or something even closer to spinster. Nora finally owns up to dating the doctor, but in typical Nora style she goes for over-the-top and loud, so that even Dr. Motorcycle can hear her rantings and ravings about the trouble with dating a much younger man who has needs (NEEDS!) that can almost (ALMOST!) match her own, but Jane wouldn't understand because her husband is OLD. She hands a stunned Jane her wine glass and walks off with Dr. Motorcycle's eager arm wrapped around her shoulder. She chugs some more wine.

Luc and Sarah decide that the middle of a work function is the perfect place to have the Big Talk about their relationship. Luc is frustrated that Sarah keeps pushing him to be a graphic designer and make soap labels for boutique hotels when he is a successful artist in France. Sarah doesn't think the INS (how retro, it's actually the CIS now -- don't email me if I'm wrong) cares about successful artists, they just want hardworking wannabe Americans with gainful employment. She then pesters Luc about whether he's even looked into visas yet and he shrugs, because he hasn't bothered to because he does not need to label the future...or soap for that matter. Sarah however needs to define their relationship THIS VERY SECOND. She needs a partner and she needs to know if it is him. Her attitude is sooooo not French. He points out that he flew 6,000 miles to be with her, helps around the house, helps with the kids, and will do anything for her even debase himself making a wine label. Can't she just be happy? No, she cannot. Happiness is not enough for Sarah. She was married to Joe and she won't marry a non-contributing partner again. It's not about money, though, so I'm not quite sure to what she is referring. Neither does Luc. He thinks her attitude is cynical and he doesn't stand for anyone to defame True Love. So he leaves. Sarah seems shocked (SHOCKED!) that her annoying my-way-or-the-highway attitude and need for definition would irritate someone. Don't worry Sarah, I'm sure he is going home to apply for a visa and enroll at ITT Tech's graphic design program.

Despite Sarah's and Nora's attempts to disrupt the show, the wine festival has continued. Now the judges have made their decision in the table wine class competition. And guess who wins? Coastal Reserve! Zomg! This is so unexpected, the wine didn't even have a chance to write anything down! It would like to thank god and the baby Jesus for watching over its grapes while they grew, Holly for seeing its potential, Saul for giving it a chance, really everyone at Ojai. Thank you! Thank you! Everyone jumps around and cheers and Nora gets an unexpected (and very public) kiss on the lips from Dr. Motorcycle. Lots of hugging and excitement, except from Ryan, who feels the need to make a phone call that very second. Later everyone gathers for a picture and Sarah pressures Nora to join the team and then the photographer encourages Dr. Motorcycle to jump in too and just squeeze a lee-tle bit closer to his...mom. Nora grimaces and that grimace will be captured forever on film.

Kevin may not actually have Asperger's, but the way he is acting about these damn egg donors may lead the way to a diagnosis. He finds Saul moments after his victory lap and immediately starts pestering him with potential egg donors. He describes the most recent contender as a star athlete and a smart cookie and on and on. Saul stops him. Gay man to gay man, Kevin needs to chill. There was a time when neither he nor Scotty would ever be able to raise a family and now he has that chance. He knows that Kevin wants it to be perfect, but sometimes leaving something up to surprise is great. Much like the wine that they just made -- it shouldn't have been that good, because the grapes were nothing special. But somehow it all came together to be much greater than the sum of its parts. He is pretty sure that is what parenting is all about, too. Kevin bunches his eyebrows together, squints a little, and nods slowly. He just might get it. Saul heads off to drink some more, leaving Kevin to ponder alone.

Meanwhile, Nora is drinking and thinking and pouting a little. Which is not a good combination if you are one Dr. Motorcycle. He finds her sitting sulkily in a corner filling up on the competition's cabernet. She cannot believe that stupid photographer. She also cannot believe that stupid Jane. She also cannot believe that she is so stupid as to not have known better. She finally admits that she cares. She really cares. The age difference is the first thing anyone sees about them and it's the last thing she wants anyone to notice, but no amount of Latisse or Spanx (or Boniva?) will prevent it. Nora doesn't understand why he would date her when he could date anyone...except her. He tries to explain that he lives his life the way he wants to and she is beautiful, intelligent, and passionate and that's why he is with her. This does nothing to quell Nora's inner typhoon. She can't believe nothing bothers him...so he confesses to one little qualm. Nora has lived her whole life in Pasadena. Ha! Despite this being the funniest thing anyone outside of Kevin has ever said on this show, Nora takes umbrage. Dr. Motorcycle apologizes for inviting himself to the festival and rides off into the sunset. The Walker women sure are knocking 'em out of the park today!

Greasy kid Ryan has rushed straight from the wine festival to a meeting with Dennis York. Can you hear that? That is me sighing. Good god I hate these two and this entire freaking storyline where YET ANOTHER WALKER is trying to bring down the company for their own personal vendetta/profit. Dennis York is not pleased about the new wine winning the competition. If the wine actually sells, he won't be able to buy out the company or something. Since Ryan (somehow someway, maybe just emotionally) is going to be the big winner if Dennis York can buy the company, he suggests Ryan figure out a way to get rid of that wine right quick. Ryan looks vacant.

Back at Ojai, Rebecca is looking contemplative when her dad finds her to congratulate her on the big win. She thanks him, but when he asks what Justin said, she looks miserable as she reports that she's not supposed to bother him while he's studying. Not exactly words to warm any father's heart, David steps into her office to find out what is going on. Rebecca breaks down into tears and tells David she's pregnant. David says, "oh sweetie...", which I guess is a good thing to say if you don't really know what your daughter is thinking about the whole thing. Rebecca confesses that she hasn't told anyone...not even Justin. He tut tuts and she says that Justin already said he didn't want a kid. That must sting a bit for David, since Holly didn't really give him a chance to be a father to Rebecca, so he reminds her that Justin said that before he knew she was pregnant with his demon seed. Thank you, David, someone needed to say that. It is so obvious that Justin was just talking off-the-cuff when he said that and Rebecca just let him get away with it and now it's all blown out of proportion. Rebecca looks thoughtful and David kindly asks what she wants to do and promises that he will support her whatever she decides to do, but she has to talk to Justin. They hug as Rebecca cries into her dad's shoulder.

Nora and Sarah ride home together, two heartbreakers in a Toyota Prius. Nora can't believe that her ride would just ditch her like that just because she is a little hung up on the age difference between them. Sarah points out that Nora is actually a lot hung up on the age difference. The women settled down with yet more wine (and who drove them home anyway?) for a proper bitch session. Nora just doesn't want to look like one of "those women" with the Botox and the skinny jeans, but I think she just doesn't want to look like any of the Real Housewives. And who can blame her for that? Sarah tries to jump on the woe-is-me bandwagon because she is dating an "undocumented" French guy, but Nora is having none of it. Luc is nothing like Joe. He's kind and happy and not trying to be someone he's not. AND! He showed up at the wine festival even though Sarah bullied him into doing the wine label and not a lot of guys would have done that. Nora sort of thinks Luc is the Holy Grail of relationships. Sarah suddenly realizes she is an idiot. I could have told you that a long time ago, sweetie. Nora then decides that Dr. Motorcycle is an idiot and it is her sacred duty to tell him such. Sarah makes Nora promise to tell Dr. Motorcycle that he is an idiot for thinking she lives in a box. Has he seen Walker Manor? It's pretty far from boxy.

Scotty walks into his apartment and is immediately assaulted by flying darts (probably poisoned, too). Kevin shrieks in apology. Due to Saul's apparently very convincing speech, Kevin has come full circle in his beliefs about genetics. In the age old argument of nature versus nurture, nature doesn't matter nearly as much as nurture, especially when half the nature is either Scotty or Kevin. Whatever that unknowable one-half from the egg donor kicks into the kid mix, it can surely be undone by exposure to the Walkers. So now Kevin thinks that any of the lucky ladies are worthy of carrying his and Scotty's child. So he has pasted all their headshots to the door and is planning on throwing a dart to pick one. But Scotty interrupted that throw so why don't they throw together. Scotty smirks, because deep down he knows that Kevin's OCD is merely out of whatever fuel it runs on, but he goes for it anyway. They each take a dart and throw. And they miss. Both of them. Perhaps because they are throwing darts at a metal door? Or maybe because they are both really really bad at darts. Either way, it's time to laugh uproariously, you know, if you're up for it.

Somehow Nora has convinced Dr. Motorcycle to come on down! Sorry, I was watching The Price is Right earlier. So, let's try that again. Somehow Nora has convinced Dr. Motorcycle to come on down to Walker Manor so she can yell at him some more. He must be slightly masochistic, because there he is, knocking on the door like a chucklehead. Nora drags him into her house and onto her stairway. She shows him the step where her son cracked his head open when he was wasted; the swimming pool where her husband drowned on her daughter's birthday; the bedroom where she is nursing Kitty through chemo; the bedroom where Sarah stayed when she got divorced; the living room where Kevin and Scotty were married. This is her box. I would believe her more if she were wearing white face paint and a beret and maybe a black and white striped shirt. Instead she's wearing brown pants that could definitely be polyester and a shirt that can only be described as grandmotherly. It is a loose-fitting, short-sleeved, button up with a v-neck. It is white with a small floral pattern. It could also be polyester. Seriously every Lutheran grandma in Oregon would wear that shirt when serving up Jello salad and cold spaghetti at church potlucks. Nora, I know you are trying to make a point to Dr. Motorcycle, but I cannot concentrate because your shirt is aging you about twenty years. Nora admits that she is hung up on the age difference, which is a fine thing to admit. What she does not need to admit, but does anyway, is that Dr. Motorcycle reminds her of her husband (he gasps) because he is exciting and adventurous. She can't believe he wants to take her along for the ride. For some reason this inspires him to kiss her instead of scratching his head as to why anyone would even attempt to favorably compare someone to an embezzling philanderer. I mean, would you? It's like saying Ted Kaczynski had a really unique ability to accessorize. You could say it, but you probably wouldn't. Anyway, Dr. Motorcycle finds this all very compelling and kisses Nora right there under all the family portraits. Oh, let 'em watch.

Over at Ojai, Saul triumphantly reports to Holly that Wine Spectator wants to do a story on their Coastal Reserve for the next issue. Holly chortles gleefully because she has calls to return to both Food & Wine and Bon Appetit. Saul somehow restrains himself from commenting on Holly's atrocious pronunciation of "Bon Appetit". Maybe his hearing is going. Saul settles into a chair across from Holly and congratulates her on thinking outside the box instead of playing it safe during Ojai's time of crisis. He congratulates her on a job well done. Does this all seem a little too good to be true? Do they all just seem a little too happy? You would be right. This is a drama after all. Holly's phone rings. She gasps. She and Saul rush downstairs and into a disaster site. The floor is flooded with their entire stock of award-winning wine. Holly is in shock and wades into the pool of Coastal Reserve staring in horror at the open tap. That is all the wine they have. There's nothing left. Okay, so can they catch Ryan and, like, strangle him with his own hair now? Thanks.

Sarah is setting up petit dejeuner of croissants and orange juice as an attempt of reconciliation. Frankly, my dear, you should have just shown up naked in his bed last night if you wanted to work out your differences. That's what Dear Abby would have done. Or was it Ann Landers? Luc comes in packed and ready to go. The smile drops from her face when Luc tells her that he is going home. She tries to apologize for yesterday, she understands and will learn from her errors. Luc doesn't care. They are just too different. They could go on for years pretending their differences don't matter, but they do. He is a wild and carefree Frenchman and she is corporate America in a tight sweater. They both say they love each other, which Sarah thinks solves everything, but Luc is done. He doesn't want them to start hating each other. His taxi honks, he leaves cards for Paige and Cooper, kisses her on the forehead, and is gone. Ugh. What was wrong with Luc? He could have stuck around for the rest of the season at least. I mean, it's not like he had something better to do. Also, I am really loath to see who they will unearth for Sarah to date next. Gallagher? Tom Delay? Gumby?

Rebecca is sitting at home when Justin finally (FINALLY!) walks in. He is exhausted after his all-night cram session and his exam. He collapses on the couch next to her and apologizes for flaking and looks genuinely excited that their wine won. Rebecca gets her serious face on and Justin can tell she wants to talk, so he cuts her off before she can yell at him for being unreliable. He knows that he has flaked on her for stupid reasons in the past, but this is different. This is Medical School. This is Important. So he is not going to be there for her, but he is sure she will take comfort in the fact that he will be flaking on her for a really good reason, not just a crappy one. He really hopes she understands that. Surprisingly she doesn't punch him in the face. I mean WHAT THE FUCK, JUSTIN??! WHO SAYS THAT TO ANYONE? LET ALONE THEIR FIANCEE? NO ONE! You know why? Because it is an asshole-ish, solipsistic, bullshit sort of thing to say. I'm not going to be there for you, but it's for a really good reason. And the most annoying thing about it is that he masks it as a near-apology, but then begs her to understand it. So she would look bad if she got mad. Justin you are a self-involved dick and I hope Rebecca dumps you and goes to live in Seattle with Julia and they can raise their Walker babies together. Do I need to mention that she doesn't tell him that she's pregnant? I don't blame her, but I do blame her for still wanting to marry him. And, I sort of wish she had told him just so he would feel like the complete ass that he is.

Kitty is reading in bed, naked. Not naked, naked, but without her wig. Suddenly she hears The Senator come in and she jumps out of bed in a panic. She doesn't have time to tie on a scarf, let alone put the wig on. With tears in her eyes she sits on the bed, bows her head, and awaits The Senator's judgment or shock. He surprises her. He walks into the bedroom, says hi, and doesn't react at all. Just gives her a big smile and says it's good to be home. Kitty stands up stammering, "But...but... I have no hair!" The Senator pops his head into the room and shrugs, because he knows. Kitty can't believe it. She clarifies, "I'm bald." He knows. She doesn't know what to say, but The Senator does. She is bald and beautiful and he loves her for so many reasons that have nothing to do with her hair. She glows in appreciation and love. Damn, The Senator sort of makes me wish I was bald.

See you in two weeks when, if we believe the preview, Rebecca finally tells a Walker (ergo, all Walkers) that she is pregnant and Kevin and Sarah hatch a scheme. Happy Thanksgiving!

Discuss this episode in our forums, then see why we think the Walkers are the Worst TV Family Ever.

Okay, now we're back at the farm. I'm going to get whiplash. With only five teams left, Flight Time and Big Easy, who arrived first, are seen using a laptop to check out the trip they won on the previous leg. This is actually what I hate most about the gnome-toting legs: the following episode always has this irritating scene in it. But Flight Time almost redeems this one by saying, "I hope we have double beds," which brings to mind any number of alternate scenarios, all of them amusing. Anyway, now they get to leave the Pit Stop at 2:23 AM. "Cross the Baltic Sea to Tallinn, Estonia," Flight Time reads from their clue. The Amazing Red Line, making sure it doesn't get left out again this week, jumps the gun by showing the ferry's route across the Baltic, which Phil says is a 236-mile voyage. Then they'll have to "figure out" how to open a door to a building called Mustpeade, which is "the secret lair of the Brotherhood of the Black Heads." Not so secret any more now, is it? That's where the next clue will be found.

But first comes the issue of how to get there, and where to find the ferry. "I'm thinking downtown Stockholm," Flight Time suggests as they walk to the car they drove to the farm in the previous leg. They interview that they're hoping to widen their lead against the brothers, who they describe as "a tough team." When they reach the outskirts of Stockholm, they get someone to lead them through the city to the ferry terminal. Which is closed, and the sign on the locked door doesn't give a departure time. Fortunately, there's an intercom button. Unfortunately, the voice at the other end tells them the next boat is at 17:45. Yes, that's 5:45 PM, more than 15 hours after their departure time. No way of knowing what time it is now, but the eastern sky is beginning to lighten. "So much for our lead," Big Easy says. As if we should expect anything else at this point. I admire his competitive spirit, though; at this point in the race, if I had to leave my bed at two in the morning only to face a half-day wait for a boat to leave, I'd be more upset about the sleep I'd lost. Hell, I'm more upset about that now, on their behalf.

It's much lighter outside by the time Meghan and Cheyne leave the Pit Stop, almost two hours after the Globetrotters, at 4:12 AM. They give us a better look at the ring of skeleton keys all teams are apparently issued at the Pit Stop, complete with an octagonal leather key fob marked "Mustpeade." I'm sure Mustpeade is quite the venerable landmark and all, but to me the name just sounds like a non-native English speaker trying to explain why he had to stop at a gas station. They get in their car, and Cheyne decides they'll flag someone down and Meghan can "work [her] magic." She interviews that the dynamic of the race is changing: "These teams that you've worked with in the past, you can't really work with them." Even though there are exactly as many teams as there were when they worked with Sam last week. Although of course, with the mingling out of the picture, we can't be sure she knows that. Cheyne cuts off a taxi and makes Meghan jump out to charm directions out of the driver, which seems not to much "magical" as "dangerous." The two are often mistaken for each other.

It's full daylight when Brian and Ericka leave, even though the subtitle says it's only 4:37 AM. I realize the higher latitude makes for shorter nights in the summer, but between this and Cambodia, I'm starting to suspect that the rest of the world are much bigger morning people than we are. Brian interviews that they're not worried about not having won a leg yet. "During Miss America, Ericka didn't win any preliminaries the whole time and she brought home the crown. The only leg that matters is that final leg." Remind me to look into how many winners of the Amazing Race never won a leg before the final one. We see him waving down a taxi that's passing him on the road and getting him to pull over, and he talks about he fun sport of "lassoing taxis." The producers make a note of adding that to the roster of tasks for next season.

Sam and Dan are departing at 5:04 AM, and Sam is more excited about going to Estonia than anyone has ever been who is not both from Estonia and also forgot all their shit there when they left. They look at the ten keys they've been given, and interview about their meltdown during the last leg. "We shouldn't waste our time fighting about stupid things and yelling at each other." So they seem to agree to return to Stockholm without too much conflict. Or maybe it's just because returning to Stockholm wasn't stupid enough.

Brian and Ericka are the next to reach the ferry terminal, and the first thing they see is an Amazing Mercedes with a pair of very large sneakers under the door, like it's a hotel room on wheels. Either one of the Globetrotters forgot about his shoes or they're just too stank to share the small space with their owner. The Americas peek in the car windows to see if the Globetrotters are sleeping inside, which is a little rude. Meghan and Cheyne arrive shortly thereafter, and the teams quickly spot each other. The Americas have apparently woken the Globetrotters, who tell them they'll all be on the same boat some time after five. Ericka's reaction is unsurprising:" Oh, hell no." Meghan and Cheyne aren't thrilled either. I bet they would feel a lot better about this if they'd known about it in the hay field yesterday.

Speaking of which, Gary and Matt, the greatest beneficiaries of this long delay, finally open their clue at 6:29 AM, more than four hours behind the Globetrotters but less than an hour and a half after Sam and Dan. So I guess that tells us how long Gary was at the unrolling.. After opening their clue with its reminder that there's a Speed Bump in their near future, they head for their car at a run. Gary says he's glad that Matt has seen his flaws and still accepts him as his father. Is that why they never hung out when Matt was growing up? If so, that's just sad.

The brothers reach the ferry terminal and find the door for the Tallinn ferry, called the "Tallink," a name of which I heartily approve. Once they spot the other teams inside the terminal, we get an interview clip of Big Easy judging the brothers for their behavior during the last leg. "We feel like we should be ahead of them once we get on the mat," he says. I'm going to assume that clip was heavily edited, because I can't see either of those guys claiming they deserve a higher rank because they get along with each other better than another team does. That would be some Mirna shit right there. Sam, by contrast, states his best-case scenario in which he and Dan win the leg and the Globetrotters are eliminated. Sure, keep hope alive, but I think Mika and Canaan blew the best chance of that happening before the final three.

Gary and Matt find the ticket windows and get their tickets. And then, presumably, an entire business day passes, and the teams cross a long, enclosed skyway to board a ferry the size of a small cruise ship. We also learn from Gary and Matt that it's a sixteen-hour trip, and Gary adds, "This ship may have saved our race life here." The ship's like, "Hey, I can only do so much." As much as the fact that a 236-mile trip takes sixteen hours might suggest that the passengers are expected to row, they're actually traveling in luxury, with cabins of their own that have fold-down beds and everything. Which I know I would appreciate after leaving that early to spend a day waiting around in the ferry terminal. In fact, if I ever have reason to travel to Estonia, I'm going by way of Stockholm just so I can sleep for the last sixteen hours of the trip. They all gather at the rail to wave farewell to Sweden like they're on The Love Boat or something. Out on the deck, Gary and Matt interview about the seriousness of their situation, which Matt is reflecting by wearing a black headband instead of the usual green. Whoa, heavy.

It's an overnight voyage, of course, and the next morning, as the ship docks, all the passengers are gathered waiting for the doors to open. Sometimes I wonder why we never see them spend any time going through customs, and this is one of those times. When the doors are unlocked and opened, they find themselves running on another one of those skyways, which is much longer than they expected. "Y'all getting' tired, huh? We still jogging!" Big Easy crows as he and Flight Time pass them all. He interviews that his strategy is to make everybody want to beat them. Which I don't get, but I guess that either way, someone will be happy.

Outside the ferry terminal, Meghan and Cheyne are the first to cab up and get on their way, with Sam and Dan right behind them and Brian and Ericka securing the third taxi, even though Brian thinks they might be first. Gary and Matt land fourth, with the Globetrotters bringing up the rear. Maybe they should have stopped jogging sooner.

Meghan and Cheyne's cabbie drops them at the end of an alley in picturesque downtown Tallinn and directs them to the third house on the left, and they hop out just as the brothers are pulling up behind them. Both teams end up at the ornate green door at about the same time, although Meghan loses precious seconds being distracted by the sign for Gary and Matt's Speed Bump. But then she's the one who finds the "keyhole," a tiny gouge in the stone surrounding the door, and puts Cheyne to work doing trial-and-error with the key ring they got back in Sweden. As Brian and Ericka approach, Cheyne finds the right key, which triggers a loud alarm, but also opens the door. So this "hideout" emits a piercing shriek every time someone enters or exits? This is the worst secret society ever. The four of them rush inside, Meghan telling the brothers to close it behind them as she and Cheyne hurry across the entryway to the clue box.

Gary and Matt's cabbie apparently gets to take them farther than the other teams' did, because it catches up with the still-jogging Americas on the approach to Mustpeade. Meanwhile, inside, the two lead teams open envelopes announcing a Road Block.

Suddenly we're at a banquet for the Estonian chapter of the Society for Creative Anachronism, with dudes in medieval hoods and robes boisterously raising goblets of mead or whatnot around a long table. This must be the Brotherhood of the Black Heads, whose name at first made me think of some people I went to high school with. Seeing these guys now just makes me think of those same people even more. Phil narrates, "The Brotherhood of the Black Heads is a secret society of merchants that has existed in Estonia for at least six hundred years." Which must be why no one seems to object that their logo is a cartoonish profile of a dark-skinned man. Although it's not really clear how they've lasted this long, since they seem rather prone to swordfighting each other for no apparent reason. But on to the Road Block, in which Phil claims "One person will join the ranks of the Brotherhood to uncover a mystery." Which is some bold overstatement, even for Phil. What they really have to do is head down to the cellar, find a candelabra with a room number hanging from it, and then find the room in the house that corresponds to that number. There, they'll receive a scroll that looks blank, but will reveal the next clue if held over a candle flame. Or it will burn down this priceless, historically significant six-hundred-year-old building, one of the two. Sam is taking this one, and Meghan rushes Cheyne into joining him. Both men head inside, past a woman in period costume playing a recorder at the head of the stairs, and down to the basement. Because this episode has a few points where things get a bit dada, I should probably clarify that when I say "period costume," I mean that the recorder player is wearing a fifteenth-century dress and not a giant tampon suit.

Down below, two guys are having a spirited fencing match, which, given how close they are to the banquet table, I believe I would object to if I were one of the diners. I'll cut my own meat, thanks. A couple of the other costumed men do separate the duelers when the racers arrive in the room. Cheyne claims a candelabra with #73 on it, while Sam takes #112. They light their candles and start trying doors, seemingly at random. Because why not?

Outside, Gary and Matt catch up to Brian and Ericka outside the Mustpeade, but since the former team has a Speed Bump, it's not like they'll be able to tailgate them through the door anyway. "It is time to sweat the small stuff," Gary reads from their Speed Bump clue. Phil reminds us that Gary and Matt have to do this as a result of coming in last on the previous non-elimination leg. And then we see him stepping into a cobblestone street, with an incongruous sight behind him: a large, coach-style bus, which is about to be boarded by a dude wearing a towel around his waist. Is that Madonna's tour bus or something? "They must find this Saunabuss," Phil explains, which is when I notice the word "Saunabuss" where the destination board usually is, and things begin to make sense again. A little. Phil continues, adding that they'll need to "strip down and take a five-minute sauna with a group of locals." Five minutes is all? That's kind of ridiculous. Put another way, that's one seventeenth of the amount of time they were behind Sam and Dan when they left the Pit Stop. Even Gary and Matt are excited about the leniency of this Speed Bump. At least until they realize they actually have to find the Saunabuss, which is going to be a challenge given that they don't know what that is yet. Plus the Globetrotters have just arrived. But Pinky and the Brain get directions from some locals and head down the street.

Here's how Sam and Cheyne are doing on their medieval mystery: "That's the bathroom, dude," Sam tells Cheyne. They seem to have exhausted the options in the cellar, so they head upstairs, where they make the magical discovery that the rooms are all numbered. Why, this changes everything!

Ericka gets the front door open, and the Globetrotters are inside right behind them. Ericka will take this one, since she did so well last time she wandered a medieval building for a Road Block. Flight Time is on it for the Globetrotters. They find the basement banquet, which has settled down a bit, with a guy playing a lute instead of a sword duel. Ericka gets the candelabra with #82 on it, while Flight Time gets #78. They fan out in search of their "special room."

Gary and Matt have found the parked Saunabuss, where they hop on board and waste no time getting naked. Thanks to the Amazing Editor who blurs what can't be more than a half-inch of Matt's crack. With towels around their waists, they enter the tiny sauna chamber at the back of the bus -- which is already occupied by three people -- and Gary launches a nonstop stream of chatter about his Finnish heritage. "You go into northern Minnesota, it's a sow-na," Matt interviews, using the less well-known but technically more accurate pronunciation. Wait, I thought they were from Montana? But again, I guess I'm once again underestimating the universality of living on a Montana farm, where they must have lived in northern Minnesota all the time.

Four racers are still wandering the catacombs of Mustpeade, but it's Flight Time who finds his room first. The door opens to reveal a vast ballroom that doesn't look like it would fit in what this building looks like from the outside. I guess the Brotherhood still has some secrets after all, among them TARDIS technology. Flight Time walks the half-mile to the guy standing next to the grand piano on the far side of the room, and gets his scroll as the dude sheaths his sword, as though if someone had come in with the wrong number on their candelabra he would have run them through. Apparently the racers are also supplied a bit of red wax or something, so Flight Time immediately starts scribbling on the scroll like he's trying to do an etching. Nooo! That's going to make it very hard to read. Cheyne, however, upon finding his gloomier, smaller room, starts right off by holding his scroll over the candle. Except he keeps tuning it over and over so fast, it's never going to get cooked properly.

In the Saunabuss, Gary is still prattling away, while Matt tries to play it cool about being seated next to a hot blonde in a towel. Gary insists on singing a song about saunas that he half-remembers in some Scandinavian language. The people in there are thinking, "Now, this is supposed to be a challenge-slash-penalty for whom, again?"

Ericka finds a cavernous ballroom like Flight Time's, although she goes the candle route right away. Flight Time, meanwhile, has finished covering the back of his scroll in red, and holds it up to the candle flame to try and read the etching he's still convinced should be there. "I don't see anything," he says, setting the scroll back down on the piano, where the camera zooms in on it to clearly reveal the words "PIKK HERMAN TOWER GARDEN." Not that Flight Time sees it. That's what makes these cameramen so Amazing.

Dan finds his scroll in a sitting room, and holds a long match up to it, with no luck. But Cheyne has rotisseried his scroll just long enough to make his clue visible. Same with Ericka. They both hurry back out to the lobby to meet up with their partners.

Gary finishes what I'm sure is the ninth verse of his sauna song and suggests to Matt that this could be a hit in Minnesota. "You'd need a keg fridge over in the corner, though," Matt points out. Yes, and put it over an ice-fishing hole, and serve lutefisk, and have a DVD changer loaded up with Fargo and the Grumpy Old Men movies and make the towels Viking purple and have lookalikes of Prince and Garrison Keillor hanging around outside. Whoa, sorry, don't know where that came from. At last their five minutes are up, to the relief of the locals. They get dressed and get out. "We're in dead last, got a lot to make up," Matt remarks. But don't worry, they're about to get right on not doing that.

The Black Heads are back in duel mode as father and son try keys outside until they get the door open. Gary tells Matt to do this one, which will prove to be a fateful decision. As before, Matt's entrance signals the end of the duel, and he rereads the clue: "Descend into the cellar, where you may choose a candel-a-bra." Yes, as with the word "sauna," he is pronouncing it in a way with which most people are not familiar, but in this case it is not technically more correct. Indeed, it may be technically grounds to revoke his high school diploma. Everyone in the room laughs, which has to sting coming from a bunch of LARPers. "I have no idea what a candle-a-bra is," he tells the room.

The two lead teams are running down the street, stopping only briefly for directions from a shopkeeper. Back inside the building, Sam accidentally holds his scroll at the correct angle, and is able to read it, which he does out loud in a cheesy accent for some reason. Back to the lobby, where he and Dan leave behind an increasingly nervous Big Easy and Gary. Flight Time is still struggling to see his clue as well as the camera can, and finally finds the right spot in the right part of the room facing the right way. He and Big Easy are finally out of there in fourth place. "You big-headed it," Big Easy says on their way out the door. If that means "overthought it," I agree with Big Easy's assessment. Gary, meanwhile, is left helpless in the lobby. Downstairs, one of the Black Heads says of Matt, in English, "That guy needs a drink!" Matt chuckles good-naturedly, but he's still stumped. "Are you a candel-a-bra?" he asks the lute player, who just shakes his head. None of the other guys will help him either, because that's not their job. They are not tour guides, they are not facilitators, they are not candel-a-bras. "Am I missing something?" Matt says. What do you think?

But after the ads, he breaks it down like the etymologist that all Montana farmers are deep down inside themselves, and realizes he's looking for something candle-related. "The one right in the middle of the fricking table," he realizes, and snags it while his hosts raise their glasses in salute, voicing a toast that Matt gamely does his best to return but which comes out as a mushy vowel, to my amusement. Off he goes in search of room 88. "I got it now," he says. Don't get ahead of yourself.

On the grounds of a fancy medieval castle with -- you guessed it-- a tower, Ericka is the first to spot the clue box standing at the edge of a lawn. As they and Meghan|Cheyne open their clues, Phil narrates, "The Estonian countryside is scattered with wild wetlands called bogs." Indeed, the low-level aerial footage we're seeing makes the land look like a giant sponge. Phil goes on to say that the Detour choice is between "Serve" and "Sling." Serve is just what it sounds like: a game of mud volleyball against a team of two Estonian locals. The mud is thick and waist-deep, and they have to score five points for the next clue. Sling requires them to stand ankle-deep in a different mud puddle and use a slingshot to launch "assorted vegetables" at a target with a moose on it. A hit will cause the collapse of the table of cabbage attached to the moose sign. The cascading cabbage will reveal their next clue. See, I told you this was going to get dada. Meghan and Cheyne go for the volleyball, as if you couldn't predict that just from looking at them. Both teams run for taxis. Cheyne spots a taxi first, and as both teams run for it, Brian makes a controversial move: "Tell him to call another one if you can," he says to the other team. Cheyne agrees. Ericka is stunned that Brian is "giving our taxi away," but Brian insists that Cheyne saw it first. Which Ericka doesn't believe, even though the footage seems to support Brian. Meanwhile, Meghan and Cheyne have just finished telling their cabbie where they're going, and adding that he doesn't need to call another cab for the Americas. "We don't care about them. Forget the other taxi, just forget the other taxi," Meghan insists. Now would be a good time to play back Brian's philosophy of how the race is a big game of karma. Because with apologies to Miss Alli, I think we're at the point in the season where karma is saying to God, "You didn't use all the hot water, did You?"

Matt has found his room and his scroll, but he's doing a Flight Time with it and thus getting nowhere. Oh, he does not have time for this.

Brian dashes across the street to get another cab, so at least they aren't just waiting around for one to be called for them, which is to their credit. "My wonderful husband has a heart of gold is what just happened," Ericka says in the back of their cab with a smile. Brian maintains that he didn't give away a cab that wasn't theirs to begin with, but Ericka interviews that she'll have to "keep him in check... I'm more capable of being a dirty player than he is." Let's hope we see that at some point, ever.

The Brothers and the Globetrotters are hurrying on foot to Pikk Herman Tower Garden, the latter team closing the gap when Sam stops for directions. "Stay behind them, we'll just run them down," Big Easy says, which lends credence to a complaint Sam will make later. It's only a loan, though.

Matt reads his clue as " PIK HERMAN TOWER." Either he got bored with heating the whole scroll or a production assistant ran out of lemon juice. Matt picks up Gary on his way out, fully aware they're in last place. After a brief stop for directions, they're off at a run.

Sam and Dan reach the clue box in third place, and opt for volleyball. As do the Globetrotters. "We can spike on volleyball," Big Easy says. Yes, good luck with that. Then both teams are racing for taxis, Big Easy calling out to the bystanders that they're Harlem Globetrotters and therefore can't someone get them a cab? I think he's 61.8% kidding, but it's hard to tell precisely. Sam and Dan manage to get an occupied cab to stop and ask to take it over, but the passenger says, "I can't walk." Still, rather than moving on, Sam offers to order a new one, as Dan notices the Globetrotters closing in. "Go find your own way, gosh dang it," Sam says, not trying to be heard but not really trying not to be, either. Suddenly the Globetrotters break into a run, because another taxi has just pulled into view behind the one the brothers are trying to poach. The brothers rush to stop it, claiming it was called for them by the driver of the cab they were just trying to score. Which is a completely absurd claim; there's no way a taxi could have been summoned so quickly, unless of course it's driven by a Black Head who also has the power of teleportation. The Globetrotters are smart enough not to believe this nonsense, although Flight Time says they can all go together. It's a van, after all. Eight people (counting camera and sound crew) should be able to fit in there just as uncomfortably as four in a regular one. Flight Time is more of a peacemaker than Big Easy, who calls the brothers out on their bullshit right there and adds, "Good try, though." He interviews, "It was our taxi. There was no way they could take it from us." So it's rather an awkward foursome in there on the way to the next Detour. Sam interviews of the Globetrotters, "They're not doing anything for themselves, They're literally just following us. It's just frustrating." You know how everybody has a totally mundane superpower? I'm starting to suspect that Sam's is making exaggerated complaints about Harlem Globetrotters. He'll go to a game someday and everyone in his section will marvel at the one guy rooting for the Washington Generals.

Matt and Gary scamper around, and succeed in finding the tower. The bad news is that they're outside the castle grounds, separated from where they need to be by a high stone wall with no entrances. So now they have to run back and find an entrance. The setbacks keep piling on.

Meghan reads from the clue, "If you wish, you, may perform the chosen Detour in your underwear." She makes a face at what a dirty old man the race is becoming this season. Behind them, Brian theorizes that the Detour is at a nudist colony. Ericka says he'll need to get her another pair of underwear, "Because today, all the girl is wearing is a pair of stringy thongs, it's not going to happen." Oh, she's dressed for a soccer game today anyway; she can just take off her pastel-striped Pippi Longstockings and be good to go.

The cab containing the Globetrotters and the brothers is a rather tense ride, with both teams trying to tell the cameras their side.

Gary and Matt think they have to get into the tower, and are running around hopelessly looking for an entrance, totally missing the clue box they just ran past. One suspects at this point that the sauna might have purged more than just sweat.

Finally, after the ads, they spot the clue box, and decide to "slingshot it." At least they have less trouble than the other teams did in finding a taxi, with an extravagantly mellow driver. "We're doing terrible today," Gary says. "We're off our game big time." Good leg for it, too.

Somewhere up ahead, Meghan and Cheyne's driver answers a call on his cell phone. You'll never guess who it is: Gary and Matt's driver! Matt tries to get him to relay the message to the other driver to go slow, which doesn't seem to succeed.. In fact, Meghan and Cheyne's cabbie blows off his friend's request for directions. "I say, 'I don't have time to show you now,'" he tells them, which they love. Soon, the taxi drops them off in a dirt parking lot, where they leave their bags and run on ahead along a path marked with little hand-painted arrow signs. That leads to a boardwalk path over the mud, where a half-dozen or so co-ed teams in black swimsuits are waiting for them. Meghan and Cheyne both change into tiny spandex shorts that I assume they brought with them because you never know, pick a team, and venture into the "court," which is deeper than they expected. And given the noises they make trying to move around in it, it's not so much a court as a "splort." "I don't know if this is mud," Meghan says euphemistically. But they turn out to be mud-volleyball ringers, scoring the first and second points by working together, then scoring a third by the simple expedient of Meghan letting the ball go past her and out of bounds. "This is tough," Meghan claims. They're certainly not making it look that way.

The Globetrotters are changing into their familiar red-white-and-blue uniforms in the back of the van, to give them more freedom of movement. "We got our game faces on," Flight Time says. So do the brothers, apparently, although theirs are made of stone.

Gary is talking about keeping going. "Anything can happen... we're not giving up until we hit the mat today." Then they'll give up.

Meghan hits a couple out of the opposing teams' court, but then they score a fourth point when the home team falters. Only one point to go.

The Americas are pulling into the parking lot, just ahead of the van carrying the brothers and the Globetrotters. They all bail out and wander around, looking for the "marked path." "There are no markings anywhere," Sam says, as if to conjure an ironic camera shot of one of those arrow signs. Which works, but doesn't do them any good because they can't see it. Isn't that just always the way?

Meghan and Cheyne are starting to get worn out. "This mud s really tiring," Cheyne says. "We just need one point," Meghan says as she struggles to her feet. Meanwhile, the other three teams are still completely lost. Finally, Meghan and Cheyne get their fifth point, which completes the Detour for them. Cheyne tosses a celebratory handful of mud into the air before they climb out onto the boardwalk (Meghan observing, "This stuff reeks") and they are handed their next clue. Cheyne reads, "Run to the next Pit Stop, the top of Keava Raba Overlook Tower."

Phil claims, "Teams must now trudge even further through the bog," even though the boardwalk leads right to the "tower." From the top of which Phil expansively says, "Rising high above the vast marshlands, it is the Pit Stop for this leg of the race." Rising high?" That rickety old wooden cylinder is shorter than my house. "The last team to check in here may be eliminated," Phil says, which isn't going that far out on a limb given that there have already been two non-elimination legs this season and this shows no sign of being a "you are still racing" leg. Meghan and Cheyne run for it, climb the spiral staircase, and are greeted at the top by Phil and an older, seated Estonian woman. Phil tells them they're team number one and says they "missed out" on the Saunabuss. But not to worry, because, "You guys have won a red cedar sauna." They look confused for a minute, like, "Where in our apartment is that going to go?" But then they remember to look excited and grateful, like a couple of eight-year-olds at Christmas who just opened the sweaters from their grandma. Phil asks if their next goal is getting into the final three, and Cheyne says, "We've competed our whole lives, but this is like the ultimate stage for competition. I think it's perfect for us." Wow. I've been wondering what it's going to take to knock these guys down a couple of notches, but I'm thinking the jinx-magnet remark that Cheyne just made should more than cover it.

The other three teams have now wandered into what looks like a residential neighborhood, but the next thing you know, they've found the arrows. A three-way footrace ensues.But will their bumbling have been enough for Gary and Matt? They're still in their cab to the Detour. "It's time to cowboy up," Gary says. "Isn't that how they say it in Montana?" Okay, when did their home state get moved? I am so confused.

Reaching the volleyball courts, the brothers are the meat in a Globetrotters sandwich, with the Americas bringing up the rear. Flight Time figures the locals would be "intimidated" by the "two big tall black good-looking guys, athletic coming up." Sam, meanwhile appreciates the sight of the "hottie Estonian guys" in their black Speedos. Both teams step shirtless into the mud, and since there are only two slots for volleyball, that leaves the Americas having to do the slingshot task by default. First they have to put on "bog shoes," which are like a smaller version of snowshoes, and then Brian picks up a basket of veggies and leads the way across the mud to where a couple of judges are waiting next to the moose sign and the cabbage table. Oh, the sentences I get to type sometimes.

"It's a lot harder that we thought it was going to be," Dan interviews as we see him and Sam wading out into the mud, the Amazing Editors blurring out both of their crotches. Yes, I can see that being necessary for Dan, with his gray boxer briefs, but Sam's wearing a pair of khaki shorts, so those Estonian hotties must be having quite an effect on him. In their red-and-white striped shorts, Flight Time says he was happy to see the mud. "Both teams are at a disadvantage, "he says. It's not clear whether he means both visiting teams or both teams on each court, or how a disadvantage can be obtained when it applies to both teams.

Brian and Ericka get started loosing veggies at the target, although Ericka's first one bounces off her hand and doesn't get far. This is not a short-range shot, either. They could be here a while. Like, if those veggies are fresh now, they might not be by the time they're done.

Neither the brothers nor the Globetrotters are doing nearly as well as Meghan and Cheyne did at the volleyball, either getting bogged down to the point of immobility or hitting the ball out of bounds on the rare occasions when it does come into reach. Back on the road to get there, Gary says they're hoping to catch up at a Detour. Which is a reasonable thing to hope, since it's the only thing that might save them. Big Easy keeps getting stuck. Flight Time gets impatient with him, but when Big Easy protests, he gives that familiar "Go Big Easy!" cheer. Dan and Sam are getting frustrated, and bickering again. They really have grown (especially in terms of whatever the editors are trying to hide inside Sam's shorts). Big Easy? Stuck again. How's that spiking working out?

But after the ads, the next serve comes right to him, so he's able to slap one-handed it back over the net without moving and score their first point. He suggests to an opposing player, "If you need a rest, just hit it into the net, okay?" Sam and Dan talk about how much they like volleyball (somehow without mentioning Top Gun, if they're even old enough for that to have been a formative scene), but this version is hard to play if the ball's out of arm's reach, since you can't move your legs. I don't seem to recall Meghan and Cheyne having as much of a problem with that, probably because the two of them combined weigh less than one Globetrotter. The brothers do score one point by letting it go out of bounds on their side. The Globetrotters score a second point, as do the brothers when the opposing server hits the net (probably because of Sam rushing him rudely along). Then both teams get a third point. Meanwhile, the Americas are closing in on their target. The other two teams are also closing in, now at four points each. "I have a lot more respect for David than Goliath," Ericka says, firing another fruit and possibly a dis on Big Easy. Volleyball continues, and the Globetrotters are the next team to score five points, so they're done. Flight Time crawls off the court barking like a dog for some reason, his shorts falling down. They're off to the Pit Stop. Except, as Brian and Ericka are continuing to shoot, the Globetrotters take the time to get dressed again, and then head off along the boardwalk in the wrong direction. Whoops.

Sam and Dan's opponents hit the net again, completing the Detour for them, and they haul them selves out of the muck. Dan manages to convince Sam that the Pit Stop is thataway, and they head off further into the bog. "The Globetrotters are going the wrong way," Sam says. Flight Time has just realized as much, so they turn around to try to catch up. Which doesn't seem to take all that long, given how far they went in the wrong way. While trying to catch up, Flight Time slips but gets back up again, as Dan yells at Sam ahead of him to go faster. This boardwalk, after all, isn't really wide enough to pass anyone on, at least at a run. But that doesn't stop Flight Time from trying. What happens next is by necessity filmed from too far away to really see what happens; it's not like there's a cameraman Amazing enough to want to share a narrow boardwalk with four large, athletic men who are all charging down it at top speed. But what it looks like is that with his hands on or near Dan's back, Flight Time goes down again, this time taking Dan with him. Except Dan only falls on the boardwalk, while Flight Time falls off of it and has to haul himself out of the water. "Hold up, Big Easy," he says, and they slow to a walk, giving up the footrace for lost while the brothers run on ahead. "Are you okay?" Big Easy asks Flight Time. "It's all good," Flight Time says.

Phil invites them all up to the platform, and there's a marked lack of eye contact between the two teams as Phil tells Sam and Dan they're team number two, and the Globetrotters that they're team number three. Phil decides to do a little shit-stirring. "Big Easy has a look on his face like he wants to kick some butt right now," Phil observes. There's an awkward pause, and Phil presses, "So was there some elbow play going on?" Dan goes first, saying that Flight Time came up behind him and tried to push him and they both fell. Big Easy says, "We didn't know that the elbow and the physical stuff was in play. Now we know it is in play, so..." Dan maintains his innocence, saying he was running too hard to do what he's being accused of. Big Easy insists, "It is what it is. I'm six-ten, two-sixty, so we're gonna do what we gotta do." Yikes, that sounds like a threat. I don't know where I come down on this. As I said before, it's too hard to tell who was at fault, even with some close Zaprudering. And if a season of the race goes by without some team accusing another of conduct unbecoming, they're all doing it wrong. But as with the whole "bitch" controversy from last season, I think the side I'm least likely to be on is that of the person who makes it a bigger deal than it has to be. I mean, Flight Time is the one who was allegedly fouled, but we don't see him complaining. As for the brothers, Sam interviews, "If they have this big vengeance that they want to seek out because they think that we wronged them, what do they plan on doing? Like punching us, pushing us over?" Which is a fair point. Sure, physically they could do it, but nobody wants to be the first team kicked off the race for pushing, especially when previous pushers were allowed to continue. I mean, they were pushing their partners, but still. Big Easy says, "If this was the final leg, I think we would have had to run through the guys." And if it were a race for first place, which, to be fair, they probably had no way to be sure this wasn't. I'm just hoping things cool down a bit by the next leg, because I have no interest in inter-team vendettas unless I hate one of the teams involved.

Gary and Matt arrive at the parking lot and run down the path. "This is do or die," Gary says. Brian and Ericka shoot. Matt and Gary run. And Brian finally hits the target, sending cabbages cascading to the ground. They run across the cabbage patch to the get the clue together, Ericka tripping over her bog shoes on their way back. "We're not meant for the swamp," Brian says. Is he saying Ericka doesn't do bogs either, now? They read the clue and head off to the Pit Stop, which they can already see from where they are. When they arrive, Phil asks them, "You know if you're last or not?" Ericka says no, and Phil says, "I'm gonna put you out of your misery," and tells them they're team number four. Brian says they're focused and determined to get into the top three.

So now let's watch Gary and Matt finish up the race, in an overlong sequence that shows why there are non-elimination legs. Otherwise you get scenes like this, as they interview at length about how they came on the race to do their best, and spend this time together, and about their experiences, while slogging over to the shooting range and attempting to bag themselves some cabbage. "To be shooting radishes at a moose target standing in bog shoes, it's just...pretty crazy." Gary interviews. They get it done, and jog on to the Pit Stop. "I think this could be it, buddy," Gary says. They are welcomed to Estonia, and, to the surprise of nobody, Philiminated. Gary admits, "We didn't have our A-game today. We messed up a couple places, but hey..." I think Gary is right, except for the "we" and the "our," but who could blame him? They high-five. Phil asks if they got what they wanted. "That and more," Gary says. "You can't put a price on this experience and being able to spend the time we have together...we'll take this for many, many years." Yes, and let's hope they don't go home after this and go back to never spending any time together. Phil asks Gary what he learned about Matt, and as Gary talks about having to "release" things to his son, there's a black-and-white greatest-hits montage of Matt herding ducks, the two of them riding the bicycles in the Netherlands, and celebrating their victory at the end of that one leg in Cambodia that didn't go to Meghan|Cheyne, the Globetrotters, or the brothers. Gary adds that he's proud of Matt and has to take off his glasses to wipe his eyes. Matt? He interviews, "I never want to see another candelabra in my lifetime." At least he's learned how to pronounce it since Mustpeade, though. They hug on the mat, and Gary says, "I love you, buddy, and I accept you just the way you are." Aw. And then way walk back down the boardwalk, arm in arm. Not dancing this time, though.

M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at M.Giant[at]gmail.com

WPK. Caleb looks over the proofs for the ad and compliments Riley's hotness to Ella who sits across his desk with a forced smile on her face. Caleb's able to sense the angst and instructs Ella to leave whatever feeling she has about this at the door tonight at the launch party. Launch party, eh? Ella says there's no place she'd rather be except Fallujah, having her fingernails ripped out. The lengths women go to for fashion; I do not understand.

Cut to high-heeled feet quickly walking, shot like tonight's episode is directed by Jonah's favorite director.

Cut back to Caleb telling Ella it's her job as Riley's handler to not let her out of her sight and make sure Riley's story reaches the masses.

Cut back to the feet. The shot makes its way up to purse level as heads begin to turn.

Return to Ella telling Caleb that Riley is an adult who doesn't need her care. Ella will simply enjoy the free champagne.

Back to legs that command the WPK peons to stand up at attention and straighten up their appearance.

Caleb tells Ella that she will do this despite her attitude. Orders straight from New York.

Heels climb the steps up to Caleb's office.

Defiant Ella: "Oh. Well you can tell New York that when we're looking for their opinion, we'll ask." That's what I'm sayin'. "Why don't you tell New York yourself?" the mystery woman asks from off camera, startling Ella. The shot goes back to the heel-clad feet and works its way up the body of Ms. Amanda Woodward. Ella's mouth hangs agape while she slowly stands up from her seat. Caleb is almost as shocked because he wasn't expecting Amanda to visit for another two weeks. Amanda likes surprises, she says, before looking down at Ella's outfit with a look on her face that says, "I shaved my ass for this?" Ella self-consciously does a double-take at her own outfit. Priceless. Amanda launches into criticism of Caleb's operation. He gets defensive, saying that he was brought in to revamp the office from the ground up and he's still establishing client relationships. He cites Anton V. "Anton V?" Amanda asks, "More like 'Anton Why?'" Good one, Amanda. She wants to know why they're spending so many "man hours" on a denim line. Emphasis on "man hours." Amanda already knows that Caleb's focus has "shifted from [his] client's assets to [his] client's ass." Who is this woman -- some sort of wordsmith? (Just kidding, old school MPers. I know who Amanda Woodward is.) Amanda fires Caleb outright. Shit just got real. "Take your bat and balls with you," she adds to the wound. Shit just got surreal.

Waterlogged title card.

Out in The Complex Courtyard, Lauren is stretching, getting ready for a run. David walks out to talk a bit of trash in his playful way. They get to talking about how Lauren misses the weather back east and all the little things from her hometown like fall football games and Skyline chili. Lauren's from Cincinnati, apparently. David pulls out some tickets and asks Lauren out to a classical concert. "Kinda sounds like a date, David. [Will you pay me after?]" David charms her in a very sweet way and Lauren still declines. What -- the fuck, Lauren? They both simultaneously receive a mass text from Violet. "They arrested Auggie. He's downtown." David says he's got to get down there.

At the prison. David takes a seat across from Auggie behind glass and picks up a phone. Auggie denies everything, of course, but David doesn't really need the denial. He leans in to quietly tell Auggie he woke up with the knife in his possession. Auggie thinks someone framed them. David instantly thinks of his father. We. Are. Fam-i-ly. David vows to take care of this and to post bail for Auggie. He thinks there must be some evidence of all of this at his father's house. Stop trying to find reasons to break into your dad's house, David. Jeez.

WoodwardPK. Ella cautiously enters Amanda's office, formerly Caleb's. Ella immediately starts kissing ass, but Amanda doesn't want to hear all that jive. She didn't call Ella in for her life story of aspiring to be just like Amanda. "Although your absentee father and pill-popping mother would make for a very juicy tale." Ella's mouth drops open. Nice of Amanda to fill us in on that. Locklear's boobs are entirely the stars of this scene, by the way. Amanda brushes off Ella's questioning of how she knew about her past in favor of discussing the matter at hand. This whole Anton V/Riley denim thing is crap, she says. Wow... maybe Amanda can save this show. Nobody will believe a rags to riches story when packaged with a girl like Riley, Amanda adds. That's what we've been trying to tell you! Instead, Amanda hands Ella a piece of paper with a fake life story for Riley. Ella has a problem with it, but Amanda threatens to replace Ella and -- wouldn't you know it -- suddenly Ella doesn't have a problem with it. She accepts the assignment, straightens up and walks out down the stairs with an open-mouthed look of pure fright.

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At the Renewed Love Nest, Jonah answers the door for Ella, who waltzes in and assumes that Jonah not responding to five voicemails means he must be completing his screenplay. "When do I get to read it?" she prods. Little tidbit here: Andrew Mischer got a Senior VP gig at Paramount, which means Jonah's Living in Reverse has been rerouted to Development Hell. Riley walks in and greets Ella with a, "What the hell are you doing?" Ella plays dumb, but Riley has her laptop open to the fake bio she's expected to sign off on. She won't go to the launch if she has to lie about who she is. Ella levels with her and Jonah. She admits her job is at stake if this doesn't go well. Again. Then things get a little more personal. Ella tells Riley that she doesn't get to come home to a hug from Jonah every day and hear about how proud her parents are. "My life is my BlackBerry." BlackBerry Mobile hands Ella a sack of cash. This little speech convinces Riley to resign her defiance. Fantastic. Ella leaves. Perfect fiancée Jonah takes it upon himself to try to figure out a way around this, but Riley concedes that Jonah has done more than his fair share financially for them. It's her turn to shoulder some of the responsibility in this relationship. Pssh... I'd say. "If getting paid means lying about who I am, then I guess it won't kill me this one time." Oh, come on. I can't take another Riley failure. At least not one this telegraphed. Dear readers, I absorb all of these failures on your behalf and it's starting to affect my daily life.

David roars around in his Porsche and I realize I have a lot of trouble spelling "Porsche" for some reason. He hops out and casually walks up the steps to his father's house with a purpose, but is oddly intercepted by Mrs. Mancini. How did she know he was there? She was supposed to be at yoga class and Michael is at a medical conference in Rome. Break-in attempt #1: Fail. Vanessa takes this opportunity to inform David she has filed for a restraining order in light of him kidnapping his little brother last episode. David has had about enough of all this bullying from his step-mother. He breaks the news about Michael cheating with Sydney and about his suspicion that the doctor is the one who killed her. Vanessa's in denial. David implores her to take Noah and leave LA. Vanessa tells him to get off her property.

Ella steps out of her car and randomly finds Caleb on the sidewalk outside WoodwardPK. She asks if he's OK, but Caleb wants to talk about something very odd. Amanda's been asking lots of questions about Ella. Lots of detailed questions involving client lists and call logs. This does not compute. Ella was a nobody a year ago. Caleb thinks something's afoot and something's abutt (apologies). Ella does not heed the warning, saying Amanda is the reason she is who she is. She obviously is seeing this as an opportunity to impress her idol even if she might be trying to destroy her. Caleb gives her one last warning. "It's your ass, Ella." My my... yes it is, as she walks away.

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Complex Pool. Jonah making world-famous "Killer Miller" mojitos. OK, you win this round, Jonah; that's pretty awesome. Auggie shows up and everyone's awkward like "Oh shit! A killer! I mean... Hi, murderer... er, Auggie! Friend... neighbor..." Jonah opens his sarcastic hipster mouth about them all having to endure a police raid while he was gone. Auggie senses that none of his friends are in his corner and begins to get defensive. He calls out Riley for support who stays silent. Ella makes up some excuse and walks off. Lauren follows suit. Jonah and Riley leave quickly, too. Auggie's left by the scene of the murder, all by himself. Poor suspected murderer.

Auggie straightens up his police-raided apartment. Violet walks in to offer difficultly-formed words of retarded comfort. "The people in that courtyard aren't our friends." Our? Violet tests Auggie's affection by offering to leave him alone as well. Auggie doesn't exactly bite. He wants to stick with a friend vibe instead of their feral sexanigans. Violet feigns agreement, turns and leaves.

Anton V launch. Jonah and Riley enter and it's definitely a very glamorous affair. Ella greets Riley with, "Oh... Hot for teacher!" Ella reminds Riley to stick to the story. Anton V discovered her. She leads Riley over to the photogs to introduce her to the crowd. The photographers ask Jonah to step away so they can start with the flashbulbs. Before long, the press start asking Riley questions. Tough questions. Riley's a dumb deer in headlights. From across the room, Amanda watches and gives Ella a slight nod to intervene before Riley opens her mouth. Ella snatches her and leads her away, telling her one bad sound bite and kiss $10,000 goodbye. Please no bad sound bite, please no bad sound bite.

Nighttime outside the Mansion Mancini. David's leaving, wearing his cat burglary leather and on the phone with Auggie. David couldn't find any evidence, but suddenly Auggie is smart. He figures that David's dad was having an affair, so the evidence must be somewhere his wife wouldn't look. Where has this been all this time, Auggie? Just as Auggie says this, David's eyes fall upon the familiar Mercedes. David hangs up and gets into the car to begin a detailed search. Still nothing, and now Vanessa is pulling into the driveway. David ducks down in the car to hide and ends up finding a satchel with a bloody necklace in it. FLASHBACK. It was Sydney's. END FLASHBACK. You guys are really pushing your flashback allowance.

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Back at the Anton V launch. Riley finds Ella and asks when she can leave. She looks exhausted. I know, Riley, being the center of attention at a fashion party is really tiring. Riley brings up her students and what they'll think of her if they find out about her lying, trying to make an excuse to get out of there before she has to lie. Ella just tells her to go off and think of the money she'll make. Ella gives Riley a little shove so she'll walk off. Ella turns around to see Amanda who sort of commends her on convincing the party that Riley is legit. "Maybe you're not as useless as I thought." Amanda walks off. Lauren enters the party and spots Riley. They hug and exchange compliments. Lauren asks where David is. Why is she asking about David, Riley asks. Then she thinks about it a bit and catches Lauren blushing. Then, catches her in a time consuming outfit and hairstyle. Lauren admits a teeny tiny crush on David. Riley's advice: try it out with him. It beats living with regret. Across the room, Ella motions to Riley and turns to order drinks as a woman orders some drinks next to her. Ella turns to recognize her as Melissa Sax, talent agent, whose reputation precedes her. Apparently, Melissa is aware of Ella's reputation as well. Mixed in with her professional compliments, Melissa starts coming on to Ella hard and offers her a possible job opportunity as a talent agent laced with lots of sexual subtext. Ella finds Riley to give her a "zip your mouth" signal before leaving with Melissa.

Cut to Ella being shoved against a wall by Melissa who proceeds to make out with her. Um... yummm with three M's.

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Making out continues and Melissa compliments Ella between kisses. Ella thinks she should be looking for Riley. No, no, no, Ella, you're right where we need you. Melissa persists in trying to lure Ella away from WoodwardPK. Ella declares her heart lies with WPK. And me, of course.

Lauren enters her apartment to find it decorated with fall leaves and David having cooked her some Skyline chili. Wow. Lauren realizes David broke in, but that's OK. David fixes the mood by pulling on a rope and having more leaves fall from the ceiling. Lauren is utterly impressed. She is willing to ignore the break-in until after they kiss. And...whoa... this is pretty damn hot. David asks Lauren to close her eyes as he goes around her in seductive circles, kissing her randomly and slowly removing her clothes. Wow. How is this happening? Where has this been this whole time, MP? And... Lauren puts a stop to it. Dammit! You take one step forward, two steps back, MP. In fairness, David says all the right things when Lauren apologizes for being unable to continue and alludes to the other girls David normally dates. He's never been with a girl like Lauren before.. blah, blah, blah, but he cheerfully asks if they can go eat the food he cooked for them and sweetly kisses her on the nose.

Anton V Launch of Lies. Jonah and Riley relax and flirt a bit at the bar after exhausting schmoozing until a writer from Vogue finds Riley to ask tough questions. Riley tries to modestly brush off her fake survival story, but the reporter persists. When the writer brings up Riley's students, Riley starts to waver a bit in her answers until she finally snaps. Riley tells the writer she's not a role model a la Charles Barkley and grabs Jonah so they can leave. Ella sees what's happening and tries to get over in time to stop Riley. She does not make it in time. Riley has gathered a crowd around her and tells the boring truth about herself. Everyone hears and takes photos. Ella and Amanda watch helplessly. Why is this happening? We're back to square one. Ella tries to follow Riley and Jonah out to their car, but they escape before she catches up. Ella says to herself that Amanda's going to skin her alive. Amanda overhears and clarifies that would not be nearly satisfying enough. She plants the seed that Ella's friend isn't such a good friend after all if she would betray her trust like that. Amanda sets an appointment with Ella for the next day before walking off. Surely this is a good thing. Amanda runs into Melissa who reports to her that Ella did not bite on her offer. Melissa's lesbian antics were all a ploy by Amanda to test Ella's loyalty. Niiiiiice. Amanda's still not entirely convinced of the whole loyalty thing, but Melissa insists. This was some sort of favor, apparently, as Melissa makes it clear that now she and Amanda are even. I would have to disagree, Melissa. You totally stole the show tonight.

Complex Pool. Someone's swimming in there. Jonah and Riley return. "My big mouth just cost us $10,000." Doesn't it always, Riley? Doesn't it always? Auggie comes out of the pool to ask Riley to speak alone. Jonah does what any sane boyfriend would do and says no. According to Riley, anything Auggie has to say can be said in front of Jonah. Auggie is aware that the police received an anonymous tip. Riley goes ahead and comes clean about being that anonymous tip, but she does so defiantly. Auggie is disappointed that Riley did not trust him. Jonah and Riley start to walk off, but Auggie just wants Riley to look him in the eye and tell him she thinks he murdered Sydney. She can't look him in the eye so she and Jonah try to leave again. Auggie aggressively steps forward, so Jonah with bravado steps forward and holds Auggie at arm's length, telling him to back off. Riley insists that she and Jonah leave. Auggie's left to look over to the pool bar and grab himself a bottle. A fine choice, sir.

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Auggie sits in his apartment with the stink of failure giving him a headache. He glances over at the tasty bottle sitting on the adjacent table. Violet enters the apartment and immediately knows what's going on. Don't throw away all your progress, is the general plea, but Auggie can't hear it because of the fact he couldn't even convince his own friends he's innocent of murder. He grabs a shot glass and the bottle and heads off into a dark corner of his apartment for no particular reason. Is that his drinking corner? Violet pulls her emergency lever, which automatically causes her to rip off her clothes. Like mother, like daughter. They tear into each other. Auggie lifts Violet up onto the kitchen counter and the clothes come off like so many unnecessary layers of meh. Props to AS-W for practically bearing it all. Very salivating props.

On Rodeo Dr., Ella goes to meet her destiny outside at a nice little restaurant. Amanda is waiting for her. Ella takes her seat and Amanda tells her not to get comfortable. She'll be meeting someone else in ten minutes. That does not bode well. Amanda asks Ella what her angle is since she failed her babysitting Riley task and can't seem to disengage her emotions. Amanda doesn't think Ella's priorities are straight since she doesn't seem to realize her supposed friend didn't seem to care she could be costing Ella her job with her actions. If Ella wants to be like Amanda and keep her job, she needs to put her career ahead of everything, including friendships. Amanda suggests she bring up the fact Riley used sick days to pursue her modeling career to her boss and try to get her fired. Ella isn't interested in such cutthroatery. Ella gets up from the table and leaves.

Love Nest. Jonah and Riley are rationalizing and justifying their failure and discussing recycling all of the magazines that evidence said failure. Riley's phone rings and it's her principal. We can already infer that she is being fired. Jonah, of course, cannot infer that and has to ask. Riley looks like somebody just packed all of her students into a bus and drove it off a cliff. To calm down his bride-to-be, Jonah offers to take on a bookkeeping job of 12 hour days, effectively giving up his dream. Ella's outside eavesdropping through their open window. Convenient. Ella can't believe Amanda went ahead and pulled the trigger on Riley anyway, she mutters to herself as she walks off. David finds her as she wanders through the courtyard. It only makes sense that Ella would've seen what he did to her apartment while he was trying to get in Lauren's pants so she teases him about what she probably found when she came home. David laughs off the ribbing, but changes his tone to seriousness to advise Ella she might need to get ready for some pro bono spin work for Auggie's reputation. He shares his theory that Michael killed Sydney. David vows to get revenge on his father.

Amanda walks around Sydney's empty apartment in a white dress. The apartment is bathed in white light as well. Gotta give credit to Locklear. She looks fantastic. After a bit of ethereal walking about, Amanda heads over to Sydney's empty walk-in closet. She goes straight to a completely non-descript area of wood panels, which she presses on to reveal a secret compartment where there's a wall safe. She puts in a numeric code from memory and opens it to find an envelope with a card in it from Sydney addressed to her. "Amanda, You'll never find it! -Sydney" Find what? Your dignity for coming back?

See you in December, guys.

-- Pablo G. is some guy who lives in San Antonio, Texas. Check him out at Space Monkeys!, Obscure Sports Reference, and follow him @PendejoJoe on Twitter.

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We start with a peculiar, drapery-infested dance routine to the music of "Aha!" by Imogen Heap. The boys are all shirtless and the women are barely covered at all. I like to guess who choreographed these routines, and I'm going to go with Sonya. It's pretty and enjoyable, anyway. It's also hard to describe, which is why I'm kind of talking around the dance itself. Oh! It's actually by Wade and Amanda. So there you go: just imagine a Wade and Amanda piece that looks like it might be by Sonya and you'll have exactly this dance.

Cat comes out and introduces Adam, Cat, and Nigel, the last of whom she calls a "reprobate". Nigel seems to be in a better mood this week, saying that the show is "back on track". He also reminds us about the difference between "America's best dancer" and "America's favorite dancer", although that's mostly so he can emphasize the "dancer" part. Mary's advice for dancers in the bottom 3 is to, basically, stay awesome. Also, "take it to another level", which people are always doing on shows like these. And she points out that whoever leaves is still going to be a "celebrated dancer", which is a good point. Even if you miss the top 10, you can probably still find work. And Adam, for some reason, has to talk about how the dancers will be doing two dances next week. He interrupts his own segment to lavish praise on Wade and Amanda for the opening routine, which turns out to have been about museum pieces coming to life. So that's why everyone was under sheets to begin with.

But enough fun! It's time to crush some dreams. Ashleigh & Jakob and Karen & Kevin come out. Ashleigh and Jakob are safe, which is as it should be, because their routine was terrific. Nobody much liked Karen and Kevin last night, and they're in the bottom three tonight. I'm not surprised, and neither are the judges. Adam recommends that they "slaughter" in their solos. Metaphorically. Probably.

Coming back from the break, Cat sadly informs us that "your votes have put Karen and Kevin in danger tonight." Well, I think there's a chance that Karen and Kevin's dancing did that. Plus, I didn't vote. So there! Anyway, we've got three more couples to work through: Ellenore & Ryan, Russell & Noelle, and Channing & Victor. First up, Ellenore and Ryan. I continue to think Ellenore is awesome, and their dance last night was my favorite of the season so far. They're safe. Good! We can hear Ellenore's delighted squealing the whole time she's running off the stage. Noelle and Russell did the foxtrot, which they did well. According to the judges, who know more about the foxtrot than me and most of America combined. Victor and Channing did a dance that I've completely forgotten about except for the annoying Bobby McFerrin version of "Blackbird". Cat makes a reference to "pecking order", which draws an "oy!" from Adam Shankman. Cat's explanation of the results leaves a little something to be desired: "You guys are in the bottom three. Congratulations to you guys." Since she's off screen, it's not at all clear who's in and who's out. It turns out that Russell and Noelle are safe and Victor and Channing are not. Mary assures us that Victor and Channing are very good, but have maybe not been connecting with the audience.

The last two couples are Mollee & Nathan and Kathryn & Legacy. Mollee appears to be wearing leather pants. Cat shouts "Let's see how it went" in an extremely strange growl. I think people just want to talk baby talk to Mollee. The judges liked their number, but I didn't. Legacy and Kathryn were more popular in my household, and the judges seem to have liked them as well. The team in the bottom three is alleged "dream team" Mollee and Nathan. Nigel thinks it might be a backlash from the previous week's vote. He's also confident we'll have good solos tonight, because "I know these two's solos are going to be absolutely brilliant." If you say so, Nigel.

Before we get to the solos, NDM Bollywood Dance Productions are going to show us what Bollywood is supposed to be like, led by Nakul Dev Mahajan, who has choreographed all the Bollywood on this show. They're dancing to "Desi Girl" from the Original Soundtrack of Dostana. There are shiny clothes and a lot of people making big enthusiastic gestures in sync. It's fun and entertaining and I decide I should really watch more Bollywood. Right now, all I've seen is the Bollywood version of Fight Club (not a joke). Before we go to commercial, we see the six dancers who are in danger. They're backstage stretching, which strikes me as a very real moment.

It's solo time! Karen dances to "Break on Through," by the Doors. She has donned leather pants and boots and waves her hair around a lot. It doesn't do much for me. Kevin dances to "Freeze" by T-Pain (featuring Chris Brown). He dances pretty well, I guess. Channing goes with "The Face" by RyanDan, which looks like a typo. She does a lot of pointing and kicking. Victor dances to "Baby's Romance" by Chris Garneau. He includes an awesome pirouette. I think. It might just be a "turn". It looked cool, whatever it was.

Mollee comes out to dance to "Let Me Think About It (Radio Edit)" by Ida Corr vs. Fedde Le Grand. Wait, "vs."? Is she dancing to a mash-up? She does some running around and flipping and balancing. I'm not all that into it, frankly. Finally, Nathan goes to "So Insane" by Discovery. He spends almost all of his time spinning around in one spot. Cat makes Nigel quickly comment on the solos as a whole. He's much happier about them this week and specifically praises Mollee's "aerial cartwheel onto the knee", which he's never seen before. Cat sends the judges backstage to deliberate.

To provide the deliberation music, we've got Orianthi! She's the cool guitar player from This Is It, which means she would have been in the big Michael Jackson tour... if he hadn't died. The song sounds kind of like it's from the Josie and the Pussycats movie, which means I like it. She sings and shows off some stunt guitar. I dig Orianthi, although this performance doesn't really have anything to do with dancing. That's probably what I like about it; everyone on stage is playing a musical instrument and is important to the song. So my verdict is: fun, but a weird choice for this show. Also, Orianthi can play the hell out of the guitar.

The judges are back, and it's time for the girls. Nigel says that they're unanimous on both decisions. The decisions are based on "everything you have done on this competition and what we know about you," and the "Dance for your life" segment is for people to try to change their minds. Then he lavishes Mollee with praise and tells her to sit down. Like there was a chance he was going to send his precious Mollee home. He talks for awhile about how Karen is a star and sends Channing home. Channing's time on the show is reviewed in slow motion to sad music. She claims that now she's both a better person and a better dancer. And also that she loves everyone. Some people in the front row might be crying.

Guys' turn. We start, as we did with the girls, with Nigel lavishing praise on Nathan and telling him to sit down. I don't have anything against Mollee and Nathan, but I don't see what's so amazing about them, either. Sorry. Nigel now moves on to Kevin and Victor. He warns Victor not to just "put pirouette after pirouette after pirouette." He adds, "This is not America's Favorite Pirouetter", which is a little unfair with Nathan having pirouetted at least as much as Victor in his solo. Then Nigel tells Kevin about the importance about growth and sends him home. So we lost Kevin and Channing. Karen is devastated. Kevin has learned a valuable lesson about things being possible. And God is in there somewhere too.

Monty liked This Is It despite not really caring about Michael Jackson. Find out why on Monty on Movies! You can email Monty at montykins@gmail.com if that's your idea of a good time.

...Rattle, Rattle NOW! Metallicar roars into the frame to obliterate the hapless NOW! as Our Intrepid Heroes hasten their tantalizing asses to "The Pineview Hotel," which is a -- wait for it -- ridiculously scenic inn nestled amongst ridiculously scenic trees on a ridiculously scenic hillside. They wheel the Impala into the hotel's parking lot and hastily disembark to find...three other mint-condition black 1967 Chevrolet Impalas parked beside them? Buh? Alas, they have no time at the present to investigate this mysterious exaltation of Metallicars, for they must charge to the hotel's front porch, where they find The Prophet Chuck pacing angstily amid the potted plants. "There you are!" Darling Sammy calls out as the boys jog up to The Prophet's side. "What's going on?" Demanding El Deano grunts. "Uh...nothing?" The Prophet hesitantly offers, before wondering out loud what the hell Our Dear Boys are doing there. "You told us to come!" Dean exclaims. Chuck's all, "Um, what?" so Sam prompts, "You texted me? This address? 'Life or death situation'? Any of this ringing a bell?" The Prophet protests he texted Sam no such thing, and the conversation's about to become heated when Chuck suddenly arrives at a realization. "Oh, no!" he groans. "What?" Dean bites. "SAM?!?!!!!!!11!!1!?" Becky The Wincesting Fangirl screams. "YOU MADE IT!!11!!!<3<3<3!!!:pantypoof:!!!!!1!:swoon:!!!" Yes, the various punctuation marks and emoticons were included in all of that. Shut up.

Though he obviously can barely remember it, Sam politely greets Becky by her name, leading to more barely hinged devotional squealing from everybody's least favorite yet most accurate online fangirl until Chuck hisses at her, "Did you take my phone?" "I just borrowed it!" Becky insists. "What?" she continues when Chuck offers her a meekly chiding tsk. "They're gonna wanna see it!" "See what?" Sam and Dean reply in unison, much to Becky's ecstatic delight. And with that, more or less -- though considerably less or more than more or less -- Becky The Wincesting Fangirl eagerly leads Our Intrepid Heroes into the hotel's bar, where a beer-toting tub of lard who looks like John Candy with a soul patch boisterously greets Dashing El Deano by name. "Who the hell are you?" Dean challenges. Blubber gestures at his plus-size Dean-like attire and duhs, "I'm Dean, too," before vanishing as best his fat ass can into the crowd, only to be replaced by yet another cosplaying idiot -- this one attired as The Scarecrow from "Scarecrow" -- who playfully menaces them with his rubber scythe. Sam bitchfaces. Heh. Dean, meanwhile, whirls on Becky to wonder what the hell is going on, but it's clear from the subsequent random shots of Bloody Marys and Everybody Loves A Clowns and transgendered Bobbys and Metallicar coffee cups and black-eyed vendors hawking "Got Salt?" t-shirts that Our Dear Boys have stumbled into that most hideous and hateful version of Hell on earth: The Supernatural fan convention. And I am loath to admit this, but I'd probably pay good money for an authentic pair of Ceiling Demon contact lenses. Or maybe I'd just pay good money for the attractive Canadian gentleman who's wearing them at the moment. In any event, Dean pops a bemused eyebrow as the insistent blues song blaring throughout the bar ramps up in amplification until...

...SPLAT! "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" shrieks Raoul The Big Gay Supernatural Dragon, as is his wont, before he calms down a bit and turns to yours truly to inquire politely, "Is not this the episode in which you yourself are prominently featured?" It is, indeed, my scaly friend. "Well?!" Well what? "Which one are you!?" Ah! You shall have to wait until the end to find out, for they do not reveal his name until the last scene. "Rats!" pouts Raoul, who proceeds to unleash his version of The Super-Special Puppy-Dog Eyes Of Pleading And Doom upon yours truly, and the effect is deeply unsettling, what with The Super-Special Puppy-Dog Eyes hovering in the middle of that lizardly face above his impressively fanged maw, and no, Raoul, I am not telling you which one is supposed to be me until the great reveal at the end of the episode. "Oh, poop!" Raoul pouts once more, thankfully dropping the puppy-dog schtick to collapse against the cushions of his overstuffed armchair and quietly fume, and there's no call to get snippy, friend of friends -- after all, there's plenty of violence and gore to be had in this evening's presentation. "There is?!" Indeed. "Then what are you waiting for, you silly little man!? Hurry along! Now!" As you wish, Raoul. As you wish.

We return to find the various cosplaying idiots assembled in the hotel's ballroom, where the convention's organizer -- yet another fat tub of middle-aged lard, natch -- bounds onto the stage to welcome everyone to the first annual Supernatural convention, and just as an aside, I'm pretty sure this will be the last annual Supernatural convention if Our Intrepid Idiots don't do something about that goddamned Apocalypse we heard so much about in the first episode of the season and then never heard about again. But that's neither here nor there at the moment, for the convention organizer's announcing that day's agenda: "At 3:45, in The Magnolia Room, we have the panel 'Frightened Little Boy: The Secret Life Of Dean,' and at 4:30, there's 'The Homoerotic Subtext Of Supernatural.'" Our Intrepid Heroes, planted as inconspicuously as possible at the back of the ballroom, gape and goggle at this last, because they've been too busy ignoring The Goddamned Apocalypse to catch up on their reading. In any event, the convention's organizer concludes by noting, "And, of course, the big hunt starts at 7 PM sharp!" much to the vocal delight of the cosplaying idiots who, as we note during the reaction shot we get of the entire ballroom, come in a variety of genders and ethnicities, though it's safe to say the crowd's skewing decidedly male and white. By the way, the Dean-alike fourth from the right in the front row can call me anytime he feels like it. Just saying. "Tramp!" Oh, zip it, Raoul -- if I'm going to suffer through an yet another episode entirely lacking in My Sweet Baboo, I get to ogle the only cute guy in the entire damn room. Got it? "I do!" Good.

Anyway, the convention organizer next introduces Chuck to the crowd as "Carver Edlund," and the cosplaying idiots again go nuts with the hooting and the hollering and such as The Prophet nervously creeps out onto the tiny little stage from the wings. Chuck fumbles with some whining feedback from the microphone for a minute, then tensely chugs down a bottle of Poland Spring before throwing the floor open to questions. Every hand in the room -- plus one hook -- shoots immediately into the air, and Chuck calls upon Soul Patch John Candy's companion in LARPing first, and because these two feature heavily throughout much of what follows, and because they don't get proper names until the end of the episode, and because calling them Faux Dean and Faux Sam will get tired and confusing very quickly, and because one is a fat tub of lard and the other has a rather prominent forehead, I'll be referring to them as Blubber and The Brain until The Great Reveal. "Demian!" Raoul excitedly shrieks. "Is that a hint?!" Is what a hint, my faithful lizardly companion? "You know, you peevish little man! Now which one are you -- the morbidly obese and disturbingly hairy cephalopod, or the elaborately nosed and alarmingly slender rodent?" Again: You must wait until The Great Reveal, friend of friends. "Phooey!" Though I must admit, I'm very impressed with your hypertext linking skills. "Thanks!" Now, where the hell was I? Oh, yes: The Brain asks the incredibly stupid question, "Where'd you come up with Sam and Dean in the first place?" and, upon receiving death glares from Our Actual Intrepid Heroes at the back of the ballroom, The Prophet is forced to LIE, "It just came to me!" This answer prompts another round of hand- and hook-waving from the cosplaying idiots, and Chuck selects the hook, and long story short, the German-accented moron attached to said hook is the type of fan who poses snottily phrased questions that serve only to prove his supposed superior intellect, but his pointed attack on Sam does rouse Becky's wrath, and she rather amusingly stomps down the side aisle to yell, "Hey! If you don't like the books, DON'T READ 'EM, FRITZ!" and thank Christ I don't have to moderate the goddamned forum boards anymore. You're a saint, Tennison.

That said, the Q&A continues with one last fanboy wondering what happened after Dean went to Hell at the end of the final book in the series, and Chuck takes this opportunity to make an announcement: "You're gonna find out -- thanks to a wealthy Scandinavian investor, we're gonna start publishing again!" Cheers erupt from the cosplaying idiots, who leap to their feet as one to offer The Prophet a standing ovation. Our Intrepid Heroes are not amused, and they give voice to their displeasure moments later in the hotel's bar. "In case you haven't noticed," Dean seethes, "our plates are kinda full, okay? Finding The [Fucking] Colt, hunting The Devil -- we don't have time for this crap!" "Who gave you the rights to our life story?" Dean howls. "An archangel!" Chuck quite reasonably shouts back, before reminding them, "And I didn't want it!" Our Intrepid Heroes can gallivant about the countryside, perpetrating credit card fraud and entrapping the gullible into pool-sharking scams and whatnot, but The Prophet's gotta eat, too, you know, and to that end, he intends to milk this Supernatural thing for all it's worth, up to and including these awful fan conventions and an additional series of poorly written novels. Chuck would continue in this vein, I'm sure, were it not for the sudden appearance of...a blood-curdling scream, somewhere off-camera! DUN!

Our Intrepid Heroes leap into action, racing up to the hotel's second-floor landing, where they find a terrified chambermaid cowering behind a chair. Barely have they asked her what gives, however, when they're joined on the landing by every other pair of Sam 'N' Dean cosplaying idiots in attendance, and to Our Actual Intrepid Heroes' visible disgust, it quickly becomes clear that this chambermaid's part of the convention's scheduled hunt. "Gather close, everyone," she announces, with appropriate vocal flourishes, "for a terrifying tale of terror!" "I saw a ghost!" she explains. "None other than the ghost of Letitia Gore herself!" "You'll excuse me for asking, I'm sure!" Raoul brazenly interrupts at this juncture. "But however did that impudent little Kripkeeper person arrive at that particular name?!" I'm not sure what you mean, friend of friends. "Oh, you asinine excuse for a typist!" Raoul shrieks, getting testy. "Have you forgotten that Letitia GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE is the name of my lady-fabulous gender-bending alter ego!?" Wait. You do drag? "Hmph!" Raoul snorts, offended by my apparent misappellation of his surprising after-hours hobby. "I perform gender illusions, missy, and don't you forget it!" Lizard, please -- tottering down to Excelsior in a tatty bouffant wig atop a rickety pair of sprung-out slingbacks on Halloween does not entitle you to call yourself a gender illusionist by any stretch of even your delusional imagination. "Well, I never!" And I'll ensure you never will if you don't SHUT IT ALREADY and let me FINISH THIS GODDAMNED RECAP. "The nerve! Of all the horrible little beastly little awful little wretched...!"

And while Raoul works himself into an entirely unjustified tizzy over there atop his overstuffed armchair, let's see what Sam and Dean have been up to, shall we? "The LARPing has begun!" Becky enthuses, joining Our Dear Boys in a relatively quiet corner of the landing. Because Dean was too busy ignoring The Goddamned Apocalypse to pay attention during the THEN!, he's forced to ask Becky to remind him what that foul word stands for, and as she explains, she passes them a sheet of paper, from which Sam reads the following aloud:

[Sucky John's] Journal
Dear Sam and Dean:
This hotel is haunted. You must hunt down the ghost, interview witnesses, discover clues, and find the bones. First team to do so wins a $50 gift card to Sizzler.
Love,
[Your Worthless Bastard Of A So-Called Father].

So, LARPing's basically a costume-party scavenger hunt? Good to know. And by "good to know," I of course mean, "I never needed to know that in my entire life for as long as I live, ever." Losers.

The scene cuts to a gaggle of LARPers, all now dressed as FBI agents, as they flip open fake IDs for the convention organizer's supposed benefit. Taking his cue, the organizer recites, "Yes, Agents Lennon and McCartney, as manager of this fine establishment, I can assure you that it is, indeed, haunted." He goes on to explain that The Pineview Hotel was once an orphanage, in which Raoul's drag-queen alter-ego... "Hey!" ...ruled her unfortunate charges with an iron fist, or whatever, and that one hundred years ago to the very day, she slaughtered four of the obnoxious brats before offing herself. Needless to say, the unquiet spirits of the untimely dead have been roaming the hotel's halls ever since. Our Intrepid Heroes, intentionally eavesdropping on the festivities, loudly opine that they've endured more than enough "community theater" for one evening, which of course means they'll have to endure some more in the form of Blubber and The Brain, who position themselves directly in front of Sam and Dean to reenact that "I might have to kill you" scene from the THEN! In unison, Our Dear Boys decide to soothe their badly frayed nerves with a couple of calming cocktails, and from there we head...

...upstairs, where one of the cosplaying idiots roams the halls equipped with a cardboard EMF reader until he runs into the actress hired to portray Raoul's drag-queen alter-ego. "Now, really, I must obj...!" IN ANY EVENT... "Hmph!" ...the cosplaying idiot nails Fake Letitia Gore in the tits with a cardboard shell fired from some jury-rigged sawed-off slingshot, then has the gall to whine about it when the actress fails to dematerialize. Wah. Wah. Waaaaaaaaaah. Moments later, that same cosplaying idiot's meandering down yet another hallway when...a Dickensian orphan buzzes and blinks onto the carpet behind him! DUN! "Help us!" the waif pleads. "[Drag-Queen Raoul] won't let us have any fun!" "This is part of the game, right?" the cosplaying idiot gulps. By way of response, the Dickensian waif buzzes and blinks out. "Holy mother of crap!" the cosplaying idiot yelps, and he tears off down the hallway to hide in an upstairs parlor, and that's a very bad move on the cosplaying idiot's part, indeed, for no sooner has he slammed the door shut behind him than an unseen presence starts...smacking his bitch ass from one end of the parlor to the other! "VIOLENCE!" howls Raoul, having thoroughly and instantly recovered from his drag-related snit the moment Kripke & Ko. finally saw fit to grace us with some of the good stuff this evening. "WANTON ACTS OF UNREPENTANT GEEK-SMASHING VIOLENCE AND GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" Of course, by "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" I'm certain Raoul's referring to Letitia, for while the delightfully abused cosplaying idiot does not erupt into a fountain of guts and brain matter, the errant orphanage headmistress does in fact buzz and blink into the room to scold, "Naughty, naughty, naughty!" before shudder-stepping across the floor, plowing her ethereal form through the cosplaying idiot's considerably more substantial body until she disappears into the evening's first METAL TEETH CHOMP!

Bar. Dean downs a healing shot of tequila before noticing Fake Drag-Queen Raoul busily working her Blackberry beside him. So of course, he's all, "How you doin'?" Never once looking up from her phone, Fake Drag-Queen Raoul grunts a dismissive, "Busy!" but Dashing El Deano will not be deterred from the seductive task at hand, and he smiles, "Well, you sure look lovely tonight -- especially for a dead chick." "Buddy," she replies, still not favoring him with so much as a glance, "I have heard that line seventeen times tonight, 'kay? And all from dudes wearing MacGyver jackets." She finally shoots him what's meant to be a withering glare, but the instant she gets a gander of The Almighty Ducky Lips, she's smitten, and she flashes him a flirtatious smile in kind as she adds, "But you seem different!" "How so?" Dean wonders, liking where this is going. "Well, you don't seem scared of women." It's a cheap laugh, but still: Heh. Unfortunately for Our Intrepidly Horny Hero, the battered and abused cosplaying idiot barrels into the bar at this moment to scream at his companion in LARPing, "For the last time, I am not making this up, okay? She's upstairs -- a real, live, dead ghost!" This captures Sam and Dean's attention, and the two abandon their cocktails to pepper the cosplaying idiot with the usual questions, but the cosplaying idiot's having none of it, and races out of the hotel. The boys quickly determine the cosplaying idiot's "not a good enough actor to be acting," and so mosey on into the main lounge, where they slip the initially recalcitrant desk clerk a twenty so they might learn the following: The LARPing backstory is real. Well, that was both helpful and entirely unexpected. The desk clerk, alas, is hesitant to provide them with any further details, so Dean slides him a fifty to loosen the guy's lips, and the desk clerk reveals that Drag-Queen Raoul slaughtered the four little brats in the attic. "Always the best place to dispatch particularly loathsome preadolescents, I've found!" Stop fronting, Raoul. "Hee!" By the way, Blubber and The Brain have slinked within earshot of this particular revelation, just so you're not surprised when they blunder their way into Our Intrepid Heroes' actual investigation. "Ooops!" Raoul titters on behalf of yours truly. "Spoiler!"

And so, off to the attic, where Darling Sammy's darling EMF reader agreeably goes, "VWEEEE-YORP!" "Great," Dean grumps. "We got a real ghost, and a bunch of dudes pretending to be us poking at it!" "No way this ends well," Sam sighs, leading Dean to snot, "Serves 'em right!" but before he can launch himself into a proper anti-idiot rant, we must first head to...

...the floor below, where Blubber and The Brain creep through the dimly lit and apparently empty hallway as Blubber growls in his best Dean impersonation, "It's gotta be around here someplace." "I don't know, man," The Brain adenoidally opines. "No one else is looking for the attic." Blubber berates his companion in LARPing for dropping character before reasserting his belief that the attic's all part of the game. "Help us!" cries the suddenly appearing spectral Dickensian orphan at their backs. "Oh, my Gaaaaaaahd!" sings The Brain, still not properly in character. "That makeup is amazing!" Blubber berates his companion in LARPing for dropping character again until the spectral Dickensian orphan repeats his earlier line about Drag-Queen Raoul not letting them have any fun. "Where's the body buried, kid?" Blubber growls some more before adding, "We'll light her up nice 'n' toa-stay!" Wordlessly, the waif points to a framed photograph hanging on the wall behind them, and vanishes while their attention has thus been so diverted. "Fast runner!" The Brain marvels upon noting the waif's sudden disappearance, and for whatever it's worth -- which is not a lot, frankly -- he's finally gotten his gravelly voiced Sam on to deliver that line. Blubber and The Brain approach the relevant framed photograph and quickly discover that it's hiding most of a child's handprint on the otherwise pristine wall. They yank the frame from its hook and flip it over to find a couple dozen more childish handprints covering the photograph's backing, so they rip through to retrieve a century-old map of the orphanage grounds, and promptly drop character yet again to piddle themselves with glee. "This is the coolest game ever!" The Brain giddily giggles.

Back in the attic, Our Dear Boys make with the flashlight-fu for a very lengthy period of time until yet another spectral Dickensian orphan presents himself for their appraisal. "My mommy loves me!" the wretch claims, his hands clinging to the crown of his head. "My mommy loves me this much!" the wretch continues, spreading his hands wide by way of illustration, and... "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" Raoul wriggles about atop his overstuffed armchair with unmitigated delight, for someone has sliced a jagged strip of flesh from the wretch's head! "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" Yep, the little brat's missing all of the skin from his hairline back, and we have a clear view of the kid's skull, at least where the bone's not smeared with torn blood vessels and grue. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Sam and Dean jump back a bit at the sight of the miserable wretch, but the brat disappears just as quickly as he'd materialized.

Down in the bar, Becky's sucking down her third or fourth "Yellow-Eyed Cooler" -- atta girl -- while focusing her lovesick eyes on Darling Sammy and his remarkably broad shoulders, who are on the phone somewhere across the room. Darling Sammy deigns to acknowledge her presence, and for this kindness is gifted with a...I don't even know if this gesture has a name. Basically, Becky lavishly licks her entire palm, then blows it over to him like a kiss. "Revolting!" Well, yeah, Raoul. I was gonna say. Chuck, standing beside her, mutters to himself over the throwaway sight gag, and we finally join Our Intrepid Heroes over at their table so Sam might fill Dean in on recent developments. Long story short, seems that one of the slaughtered brats actually was Drag-Queen Raoul's son, and she did, in fact, apparently scalp the kid before gutting him like a trout. Unfortunately, no one over at the county historical society knows where any of the unfortunates involved were buried, so it's a very good thing indeed that Blubber and The Brain are now loudly examining the antique orphanage map at an adjoining table. Our Intrepid Heroes confront the LARPing dimwits over the thing, and after a bit of blustering from both sides that involves Dashing El Deano coming thisclose to blowing holes through the LARPing dimwits with his trusty pearl-handled automatic, Darling Sammy proposes a temporary alliance, just to get the game over with, you see. After confirming the Sizzler gift card will be theirs, Blubber and The Brain agree, and so we're off to the...

...cemetery. First, though, Blubber and The Brain must treat us all to their rendition of the "good little soldier" dialogue from the THEN!, and it's as excruciatingly delivered as one would expect, but it does offer Done With It El Deano an excuse to unleash that anti-idiot rant he teased during the earlier attic scene. "What is wrong with you?" he rages. "Why in the hell would you choose to be these guys?" "Because we're fans, like you," offers a meekly bewildered Brain. "No," Dean harshly corrects him, "I am not a fan!" "In fact," he continues, really getting into it, "I think the Dean and Sam story sucks! It is not fun, it is not entertaining, it is a river of crap that would send most people howling to the nuthouse! So, you listen to me: Their pain is not for your amusement -- I mean, do you think they enjoy being treated like circus freaks?" By this point, both Blubber and The Brain are gawping at Dean like he's even more of a desperately unhinged online fanfreak than Becky, and this point is driven home when Blubber duuuuuuuuhs, "Um, I don't think they care, because they're fictional characters!" Which is appropriate coming from him, because I couldn't begin to count the number of times I've had to point that out on the goddamned forum boards over the last ten fricking years. "Ooooh! Ooooh!" Stop waving your exquisitely manicured paws around in the air, Raoul. I will confirm nothing until The Great Reveal at the end of the episode. "Drat!" In any event, Dean retorts, "Oh they care -- believe me, they care a lot!" and with that, he executes a perfectly turned Dean Winchester Patented Bow-Legged Clompy-Stomp Of Great Vengeance And Furious Anger towards the orphanage cemetery, leaving Darling Sammy to shrug, "He takes the story really seriously." Heh. Also: "The Dean and Sam story"? Even Dean is a fucking Deangirl.

Finally, over at the cemetery, Our Intrepid Heroes desecrate a grave! "Whee!" This development pleases us equally, friend of friends. "Indeed!" I can't remember the last time we had a good, old-fashioned grave desecration on this damned show. "It was two weeks ago!" Raoul, I believe you should take another look at that hypertext link you so helpfully provided. "Why?!" Because I specifically said "a good, old-fashioned grave desecration," and that one was neither. "Oh! My apologies, I'm sure!" Not to fret, my lizardly companion. "Okay!" So, long story short, they locate Drag-Queen Raoul's grave -- she'd offed herself by the tender age of thirty, by the way -- and in short order have thoroughly desecrated the thing, much to the horror of Blubber and The Brain, who have yet to realize the game ended for everyone involved about five scenes ago. Just as Dean reaches down to wrestle with the surprisingly well preserved coffin lid, and ill wind kicks up around Our Intrepid Heroes and their guests, but let's ignore that bit of foreboding so we might sit back and enjoy...Drag-Queen Raoul kicking Sam's ass! "VIOLENCE!" bays Actual Raoul, writhing about atop his overstuffed armchair as his onscreen drag queen counterpart backhands Our Intrepid Hero into a faraway set of headstones. Dean scrambles for the salt and the lighter fluid while Blubber and The Brain attempt to beat a hasty retreat. Unfortunately, The Brain hits a molehill, or something, and he goes down like a French prizefighter, much to Blubber's dismay. Also unfortunately, they just ruined The Great Reveal at the end of the episode at this point, because Blubber screams, "Baaaaaaaaaaarnes!" before hustling his obese ass over to his companion in LARPing's aid. "I knew it!" Raoul exults. "They made you the fat one! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Oh, this is going to be unbearable. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" That's right, you dizzy lizard -- get it all out of your system now. "Thanks! I will! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Yeesh. Anyway, yeah, word got out a couple of months ago that they were casting "Demian" and "Barnes" for this episode, and here they are. The Kripkeeper's been, as I presume you can tell, rather coy with the characters' names up until this point, and I believe the intent was to keep those names a secret until the very end of tonight's installment, but unfortunately for The Kripkeeper's intent, this shout of Blubber's somehow made it through the editing process into the final cut of the episode, so there you go. "The fat one! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Are you done? "Why, yes! I believe I am!" Then I might continue with the recap? "Please do!" Excellent.

So, Drag-Queen Raoul next attacks my blubbery onscreen self along with my blubbery onscreen self's companion in LARPing, TWoP Barnes's gender-bending onscreen self, and you know what? "What?!" I'm gonna keep calling them Blubber and The Brain. "Okay!" Drag-Queen Raoul gets her claws into Blubber and The Brain's chests, series premiere-style, and Blubber and The Brain howl and wail and keen and scream in agony as Dashing El Deano finally manages to salt up and douse Drag-Queen Raoul's bones. "Kinky!" Pervert. And with a quick flip of Dean's Zippo, both Drag-Queen Raoul and her bones go up in flames -- appropriate imagery, if you ask me -- and Our Intrepid Heroes plus their temporary compatriots pant and gasp and shiver and shake their collective way into this evening's next METAL TEETH CHOMP!

Pineview Hotel Bar. Aftermath. Blubber downs a healing shot of tequila while The Brain mopes into his bottle of beer, and I should note these are the same cocktails Dean and Sam were enjoying immediately after the last commercial break, and oh, show. Oh, clever, clever show. Anyway, Dean kindly pays for their round, and after a bit of foolishness in which Our Intrepid Heroes pretend to have learned about grave desecration from the Supernatural books, Sam and Dean amble on over to Chuck to harass the unreasonably hirsute prophet one more time regarding the proposed book line extension before flouncing on out of there for good. Well, I'm sure Sam and Dean would flounce on out of there for good, were it not for the inexplicably barred exit doors! DUN! "That's weird," Dean eyebrows, and the weirdness of the situation is confirmed when Our Dear Boys discover that every window in the hotel has been inexplicably locked!" Dun-dun-DUN! "Ooooh! Ooooh!" Have you an answer to their current conundrum, Raoul? "I do! [A-him!] It's those fiendish preadolescents!" Your powers of perspicacity continue to amaze me, Raoul. "Hooray!" Yep, Our Intrepid Heroes did A Very Bad Thing when they vanquished Drag-Queen Raoul, as they learn when the scalped wretch materializes to moan, "Why did you send my mommy away?" Dean's all, "A little gratitude might be in order, here, brat!" until the scalped wretch wails, "My mommy didn't do this to me!" and with that, the wretch sizzles out so we might join...

...Fanboy Fritz -- still in his Hookman costume, natch -- as he languidly lopes down the hallway into...an ambush of Dickensian orphans! "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" shrieks Raoul in an anticipatory manner, for the promise of a violent and sticky end to Fanboy Fritz emanates like a miasma from the trio of preadolescent terrors who now accost him. Fanboy Fritz, however, is singularly unimpressed by their presence, going so far as to groan sarcastically, "Ja! How original! Supernatural bringing me more creepy children! Sigh!" "Miss [Drag-Queen Raoul] wouldn't let us have any fun!" simpers The Menacing Orphan With Lines while Fanboy Fritz, still not getting it, continues to disparage their appearance. Ignoring him, The Menacing Orphan With Lines continues, "But now? We can have all kinds of fun!" and with that, the trio of preadolescent terrors produce knives from behind their backs, and... "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" Fanboy Fritz's strangled cry of "Gott in Himmel!" draws Our Intrepid Heroes' attention, but alas, they are too late, for by the time they've arrived on the scene, the trio of preadolescent terrors have scalped and slaughtered Fanboy Fritz, leaving his emptily staring corpse lying in an ever-expanding pool of its own blood. "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" "DAMMIT!" I'm sure Dean would swear were he given anything to say at this moment, but I'm afraid he just gets to purse The Almighty Ducky Lips so we might leap back down to...

...the main ballroom, where Chuck's just bringing The First (And Only) Annual Supernatural Fan Convention to its much-awaited-by-me close. Unfortunately for me, Darling Sammy rushes the stage at this moment to whisper something both urgent and eminently guessable into The Prophet's ear. "Holy crap!" Chuck explodes. Sam whispers that Chuck's got to figure out a way to keep everyone in the ballroom until the boys vanquish the murderous brats. Chuck obligingly launches into an ad-libbed spiel about impending plotlines while Dean herds the hotel's employees into the ballroom, after which he and Sam lay down thick lines of salt at the exits. They next bang their heads together for a quick processing summit during which they wonder how they'll escape to salt and burn the murderous brats' bones, and I'd suggest they break a goddamned window, but that's too obvious a solution I suppose, so Dean decides to enlist the aid of Fake Drag-Queen Raoul. You see, Actual Drag-Queen Raoul had apparently been keeping the murderous brats in check for the last hundred years, so the plan is to have Fake Drag-Queen Raoul pose as her actual counterpart in order to lull the murderous brats into a false sense of continued imprisonment, or something, and once Fake Drag-Queen Raoul gets the murderous brats to release their collective hold on the hotel's various points of egress, Our Intrepid Heroes can once again do what they do best. Got all that? "I do!" Good, because I really don't want to have to explain it again.

Needless to say, Fake Drag-Queen Raoul is less than enthused to be a part of this plan, partly because she's already encountered the scalped wretch herself during a brief scene I decided to skip, but mainly because she's not really an actress at all. "I work at Hooters," Fake Drag-Queen Raoul reveals. "In Toledo!" Heh. Blubber and The Brain interrupt at this point to offer their services, so Dean tells Sam to give Fake Drag-Queen Raoul "the puppy-dog thing" -- hee! -- while he deals with the unruly supposed Television Without Pity staff members. "Guys? No!" Dean insists. "Why not?" bleats The Brain. "Because this isn't make-believe!" Dean hisses. "If all these people are seriously in trouble," counters The Brain, "we gotta do something." "Why?" Dean shoots back. "Because that's what Sam and Dean would do!" Blubber replies. Dean is impressed with their moxie, or some such bullshit, and so, as Chuck explains that "there's really no such thing as a Croatoan Virus for Down There" and suggests that his questioner see a doctor, Our Intrepid Heroes plus Blubber and The Brain plus Fake Drag-Queen Raoul flee the ballroom to set their ridiculous plan into motion.

In a tastefully appointed upstairs parlor, Fake Drag-Queen Raoul shakily orders the trio of murderous brats to show themselves right this instant. The evil wraiths immediately comply, and Fake Drag-Queen Raoul manages to guilt-trip them long enough to loosen, somewhat, their hold on the hotel's points of egress. Blubber and The Brain somehow squeeze through a crack in the front door, but everything goes to hell when Fake Drag-Queen Raoul's Blackberry belches out her obnoxious ringtone. Downstairs, the front door slams shut against Darling Sammy's remarkably broad back, while up in the parlor, the murderous brats set their sights on Fake Drag-Queen Raoul. DUN! Dean, equipped with a cast-iron fire poker out in the hallway, rolls his eyes and spins around through the parlor's entrance. Brandishing his poker, he orders Fake Drag-Queen Raoul to run, then prepares to whack the obnoxious little murderous brats clear into the next METAL TEETH CHOMP!

Gore Orphanage Cemetery. Immediate aftermath. Blubber and The Brain strain to unearth the proper sets of bones in a reasonable amount of time, but The Brain's already worked himself to exhaustion, and he goes all Corpse Desecration Barbie on the audience's collective ass to whine, "Gravedigging is hard! I'm gonna throw up!" Blubber offers him a few kind words of encouragement, and they've soon redoubled their efforts just as...

...the murderous brats telekinetically fling Dashing El Deano against a wall! "VIOLENCE!" shrieks Raoul. "WANTON ACTS OF UNREPENTANT DEAN-FLINGING VIOLENCE!" and what happened to your rules, my scaly friend? "I've thrown them away for this episode! VIOLENCE! VIOLENCE!" Unfortunately for Raoul and his hastily discarded rules, Darling Sammy bounds into the tastefully appointed parlor in the nick of time, retrieves Dean's dropped cast-iron fire poker from the floor, whips the iron bar through the little beasties' bodies, and the Hell-sent moppets instantly dissolve into a gigantic spray of gooey ghost bits. Our Intrepid Heroes take a moment to congratulate each other, but their triumph is short-lived, for the rapidly reappearing murderous brats have just telekinetically flung Darling Sammy against a wall! "VIOLENCE! VIOLENCE!"

Down in the ballroom, The Prophet's regaling his by-now-thoroughly-bored audience with the sordid tale of his lost virginity -- the next day at school, his girlfriend told everyone "it didn't count" -- when the desk clerk from earlier rises to leave. Chuck screams at the guy not to open the door, but the desk clerk just rolls his eyes and continues on his merry way, of course breaking the thick line of salt Our Intrepid Heroes had so thoughtfully laid down before the last commercial break, in the process summoning one of the murderous little brats, who now smilingly menaces the desk clerk with his knife. Chuck, thinking fast -- and for some reason accompanied by that familiar ch-ch-ch-cha! sound cue from The Six Million Dollar Man -- upends his mike stand and, charging the back of the ballroom, rips the cast-iron base of the thing through the little beastie's body. The Hell-sent moppet instantly dissolves into a gigantic spray of gooey ghost bits, but more importantly, Becky The Wincesting Fangirl's panties have instantly dissolved into a gigantic spray of... "Demian, please!" What? "I just ate!" Ah. My profuse apologies, friend of friends, but you should know that Becky The Wincesting Fangirl is now just as smitten with The Prophet Chuck as she had been with Darling Sammy and his remarkably healthy chest, if not more so. "Okay!" And just as Chuck orders the LARPing fanboys to resalt the ballroom doors...

...Our Intrepid Heroes find themselves uncomfortably face-to-face with the other two murderous moppets just as...

...Blubber and The Brain prepare to torch the hastily assembled remains of all the brats involved. One problem: Blubber's nowhere near as adept as Dashing El Deano at firing up a Zippo. "How come Dean can always light the stupid thing on the first freaking try?" he howls, thwarted. And just as The Brain artfully twists his mouth into a series of increasingly frantic curlicues...

...The Murderous Moppets pin Our Intrepid Heroes to the floor and prepare to slice off their scalps! "DEATH!" roars Raoul for, hastily discarded rules or not, no sniveling little snot-nosed piece of orphanage filth can threaten The Hair and get away with it. "DEATH TO THEM WHO WOULD HARM THE HAIR!" See? I told you so. Though you must admit, Raoul, Darling Sammy could do with a trim. "Oh, of course!" Raoul readily agrees. "How that darling little boy manages to keep his absolutely wild tangle of locks so spotlessly clean is beyond my powers of comprehension!" It is truly a modern-day miracle, Raoul. "It is!"

Of course, we needn't really worry about Our Intrepid Heroes' miraculous coifs, for at the very last instant, Blubber and The Brain manage to ignite their hastily assembled pyre, and The Murderous Moppets vanish upwards in gouts of flame and gooey ghost bits. "Oh, thank Heavens!" And in the brief aftermath that follows, Dean cracks wise about something that makes no sense within the context of this recap, because I refused to transcribe Fanboy Fritz's tediously precise questions earlier in the evening, and we fall into tonight's final commercial break most woefully CHOMP!-less.

The following morning, the boys from The Lorain County Coroner's Office wheel Dead Fritz into a waiting van while various sheriff's deputies quiz various cosplaying idiots regarding the events of the previous evening. Over by the hotel's front porch, Dean thanks Blubber and The Brain for their assistance, and it's at this point that they confirm their names are, as previously noted, "Demian" and "Barnes." "[Snicker!]" Shove it, Raoul. "[Tee!]" Dean's about to wander off when Demian calls out, "You're wrong, you know!" Dean's all, "Whaaaaaaaaaa?" so Demian elaborates as follows: "About Supernatural -- no offense, but I'm not sure you get what the story's about. In real life, he sells stereo equipment, and I fix copiers. Our lives suck, but to be Sam and Dean? To wake up every morning and save the world, to have a brother who would die for you? Well, who wouldn't want that?" "The fat one! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Raoul! That was A Very Touching Moment we just witnessed. How dare you sully the heartfelt sentiments expres... "FAT! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Oh, for Christ's sake. Fine -- laugh away if you must, but don't you think now would be an excellent time for you to whip up our usual round of end-of-episode flagons? "HAHAHAHA...! Oh, my! I almost forgot!"

And while Raoul toddles off to his den, Dean concedes that Demian might have a point, there, before smiling, "You know, you two don't make a bad team, yourself." Demian and Barnes agree, because (and thank God Raoul's not in the room to hear this, or I'd never hear the end of the cruel taunts) THEY'RE BOYFRIENDS. Demian and Barnes! BOYFRIENDS! I know! It's disgusting! Dean politely inquires as to how they met, and Demian and Barnes join the ever-growing ranks of LYING LIARS WHO LIE on this show when they claim to have met online in a Supernatural chat room, even though everyone knows that they actually met at karaoke night at Club Xcentricities -- even though karaoke night's hosted by that busted-down, rusted-out trashbag of a drag queen who everyone hates, because there aren't any goddamned gay bars anywhere in Lorain Fucking County, O-Fucking-Hi-Fucking-O, so it's goddamned Club Xcentricities and goddamned April Fucking Evangelista or it's goddamned nothing, and look at that! The scene's over.

But seriously: Boyfriends? I wonder how Barnes's husband is handling this gruesome development.

Hopefully as well as Darling Sammy's handling Becky breaking up with him in order to date her new one true love, Chuck, because that is exactly what's happening on the other end of the hotel's ridiculously scenic lawn. To be honest with you, the musical cue for this scene's funnier than the scene itself, what with the melancholy yiddische fiddling wailing away in the background while all of this witlessness's being pushed into our unwilling faces, but the actual break-up scene's over quickly enough -- if you more or less ignore it completely like I just did -- so, you know. Relatively painless. Unfortunately, there's one final revelation we must endure before reaching this evening's final title card, and to be extremely brief about it all, said revelation consists of the following: Posh Bela gave The Fucking Colt That Can Kill Anything Except When It Usually Can't not to Lilith, as everyone had believed up until now, but to a Lilith minion named Crowley. How do we know this? Because Becky read up on all of the details of the transfer, which appeared in Chapter 33 of the "Time Is On My Side" title in the Supernatural book series, and I'd just like to point out right now that, according to the list of titles visible during "The Monster At The End Of This Book," "Time Is On My Side" does not exist, which makes Becky The Wincesting Fangirl yet another LYING LIAR WHO LIES. Next!

Down at the Impala, Sam arrives to find Dean with a secret smile on his face, and I have no idea why he's smiling, nor do I particularly care, because all Sam has to do is mention The Fucking Colt That Can Kill Anything Except When It Usually Can't, and the smile disappears from Dashing El Deano's pretty, pretty face. Which is interesting, you know, because I have that exact same reaction whenever anyone on this goddamned show mentions The Fucking Colt. Our Intrepid Heroes immediately embark, and Metallicar grumbles off into the ridiculously scenic Ohio morning, and that would be the end of it if they didn't decide to...

...treat us to a series of apparently improvised answers Rob Benedict delivered as Chuck during the filming of this episode, the funniest of which is the last: "The way I look at it, it's really not Jumping The Shark if you never come back down, y'know?"

And so it ends. You know, it pains me deeply to say this, but I had a better time when I was a Dolt-sporking Darklighter on Charmed. Raoul? "Yes?!" Flagons! "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Demian does not LARP. Neither does Raoul. You may reach the former at demian_twop@yahoo.com. The latter is an imaginary gay dragon currently under house arrest on the Internet, except when he somehow manages to outwit the local police by slapping a tatty bouffant wig onto his head and slinking off to Excelsior atop a rickety pair of sprung-out slingbacks.

Discuss this episode in our forums, then see how the Winchester boys stack up against Other TV Ghostbusters!

Pearl Jam's "Unthought Known" begins playing as the scene pans down to a leafy suburban street. We see Celia of the last episode getting her letter from Al Gough. The camera swoops across the Pacific bluffs and we see Aaron watching his daughter sleep on a pull-out couch in the living room. He looks a lot less happy than you'd expect from a father whose kid came back from the dead. Eddie Vedder continues to have deep thoughts as Demetri studies Mark's board. Zip! Celia's now holding a press conference where she holds up the letter and tells her story. Cut to the news boxes outside the FBI building in Los Angeles; the Los Angeles Post runs with the story "THE FUTURE CAN BE CHANGED." In some quaint seaside town off highway one, in some quaint and overpriced hotel right on the Pacific, Mark and Olivia enjoy some marital calisthenics. How fortunate that Eddie Vedder's bellowing gets them in the mood! Nicole continues to do her volunteer work, and as she does, she notices a flyer for a group called "Sanctuary." They have a logo that, to be frank, looks like a stylized diagram showing people where the little man in the boat can be found (if you know what I mean), but that doesn't appear to deter Nicole. Bryce continues to obsessively draw his dream girl. Lloyd continues to do card tricks, much to Dylan's delight. The music crescendos as Janis walks back into work -- there's a big welcome-back banner, and flowers, and Wedeck gives her a hug and a kiss on the cheek, which is really sweet.

And then it's quiet again. Lloyd is in Dylan's hospital room -- that child must have gold-plated insurance coverage -- and he's reading about Celia as some blow-dried coif given the power of speech bloviates on the television about what this all means. Answer: a whole lot of nothing; you can make a hairstyle talk, but there's no magic black enough to make it sentient. Lloyd is also looking at an email he's about to send out with the subject line "WE NEED TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY." As he looks at the screen, the hairstyle asks, "Is there going to be another world blackout? But the big question -- possibly the central question of human existence -- do we have free will?" Lloyd sends his email.

Speaking of having no free will, Janis attempts to resign but Wedeck is not having it. She asks if she can explain herself, and without looking away from his computer screen, Wedeck says, "You were attacked. You were shot. You returned to duty to find out a coworker jumped off a building. Am I in the right ballpark here?" Janis says calmly, "My life's not making a lot of sense right now, and I think I need a little time off to figure it out ... I know we've been shorthanded since the blackout, but ever since Gough --" she breaks off. Wedeck says, "This isn't about Al." Oh, but it is. Janis says, "When I think about what he did and why he did it, it just really made me think about my own future. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Do I lean into what I saw? Do I fight it? What if my getting shot was ... I don't know, some sort of a sign that this baby's not meant to be?" Wedeck puts it into perspective: "You're going to let a bullet decide whether or not you're going to bring a baby into this world? If Al's death proved anything, it's that our choices still matter, now more than ever."

Lloyd is charming Dylan with a card trick when Simon comes in and snidely remarks, "I've been wondering how a Nobel finalist and a recipient of the MacArthur prize spends his idle moments." Lloyd wants Simon away from his kid and gone now, now, now. Simon's hurt that Lloyd never calls him. They storm out of the room to argue about Lloyd's email. Simon still doubts their experiment was the sole cause of the blackout, and Lloyd argues that they need to share what they know with the world.

Mark and Olivia are hangin' in the hotel room, polishing off the room service, and Mark hands over a surprise gift to celebrate "second chances and the fact that we can change the things we saw." Alas, Mark cannot change the fact that his job is a demanding mistress: he gets a phone call and Demetri tells him to open his laptop. Barstow PD sent a video that matches something from the flashforward board (it's been plugged into NCIC, a computerized index of law enforcement information). When Mark looks at the homicide, he sees that one of the murderers has the distinctive three-star tattoo on his forearm. Apparently getting flashes of your sozzled near-death experience to come is something of a moodkiller, so it looks like Mark and Olivia's special couple time is over.

So now Mark and Demetri are doing laps in the FBI building's Logan's Run-style atrium as they disgorge expository dialogue: the murder victim's name was Neil Parofsky, he was an aeronautical engineer, nobody's thought to check whether he was on Mosaic and if so, what he said. (Argh! ARGH! Were I law enforcement, Mosaic would be the first stop: did the victim have a flashforward? What was in it? Are there clues as to why their future might have threatened someone else's?) Demetri says that Parofsky worked in El Segundo, but when he was found in Barstow, his watch and wallet were missing. I can't vouch for the watch, but I'm betting Parofsky left his wallet in El Segundo. (Ba-da-bum! Try the veal!) We find out that the person who shot the cell phone video, Ingrid Alvarez, saw Parofsky hand something over before he was killed.

Then Mark and Demetri walk into an office where Janis is holding a very nice bouquet of long-stemmed lillies. Mark says, "First day back? I should have gotten you flowers," but Janis says the flowers are for Olivia, what with the good lady doctor having reassembled Janis's innards for her. Janis then hands over hard-copy stills off the cell phone, fresh from the video forensic unit's enhancement skills. Blurry shot, blurry shot, blurry shot, then dun-dun-DUN! A picture of a beefy male forearm, and said arm is decorated with three blue stars, just like the forearm of the would-be killer in Mark's flashback. You know, the flashback we're going to see for the umpteenth time because the people who put together this show suspect we don't actually pay attention to it from week to week. Mark recovers from his flashback-flashforward and announces they're off to talk to Ingrid Alvarez. This way, Mark can get the man who wants to kill him a few months from now. He fixes Janis and Demetri with a smoldering look and says, "Al sacrificed himself to prove we could change the future. So let's change it."

As Mark's saying this, Olivia's in her office, opening the pretty gift box Mark had given her. It's lingerie -- nice stuff, too -- but Olivia has her own flashback-flashforward because Mark's just given her the set she's going to be wearing when she's canoodling with Lloyd in late April. It looks like the universe is still trying to line up those predetermined outcomes, eh? Bryce interrupts Olivia's troubled reverie and she puts on her white coat to get to work.

At Aaron's house, the couch-sleeping Tracy has just woken up from a flashback-nightmare to her stint in Afghanistan. Aaron rushes out to comfort his distraught daughter, but she pushes him away and hops over to get her prosthetic. She tells Aaron she doesn't want to talk about it, but Aaron's like, "If you'd like to compare traumas, let's talk about grieving a dead child." He adds, "I had your grave exhumed two months ago because I was convinced you were alive." So ... we're up to early December now? Eight weeks have passed since the flashforward? Shouldn't Janis be knocked up by now if she's going to be seventeen weeks pregnant in another four months?

Ahem -- back to the scene. Aaron lays down an ultimatum: "If you want to keep hiding out here, if you want me to keep pretending to the world -- your mom included -- that you're still dead, you have to tell me what happened. After what I saw in my flashforward, I'd believe anything you say now. Listen to me, Trace: four months from now, I'm going to be sitting at your side in Afghanistan. You saw it and I saw it. I'm going to get involved with whatever it is. So let's just cut to the chase and get started."

Back at Our Lady of the Mood Lighting Memorial Hospital, Olivia is dismayed to find out that despite her best efforts, Dylan Simcoe -- and, by extension, Lloyd -- are still not off her roster or out of her life. Bryce asks, "Why are you so anxious to get rid of [Dylan]? Is it his dad, Mr. Simcoe?" Olivia's like, "NO, I AM NOT SLEEPING WITH HIM -- I mean, what makes you say that?" Bryce explains, "You guys have a weird relationship. Every time he comes around, you get crazy tense and --" And speak of the devil, Lloyd's right here. Olivia tries hard to look casual but really, she's about to jump out of her skin. Lloyd asks what the ramifications of Dylan's newly-discovered D.V.T. are, and Simon inserts himself into the conversation with "Would it be safe to leave the boy's bedside for a while? [He snatches Dylan's chart out of Olivia's hands.] I see that you have him on heparin. Now, the risk of complications at his dosage is relatively minimal, am I right?" Olivia asks, "I'm sorry -- and you are?" Simon turns on the charm and says, "I'm a friend of the family. Frankly, I was hoping to pry Lloyd away from the hospital for a little while. I mean, the boy is ready for discharge if I've read this chart correctly." Olivia's all, "Pry away, my good man. Pry away!" Simon says edgily to Lloyd, "There -- you've been absolved of any guilt, parental or otherwise." Lloyd looks at his conversational companions and says acidly, "Lovely. Thanks for your help." Olivia's happy to help herself to an exit. As she and Bryce skedaddle down the hall, Simon checks out Olivia's legs and asks Lloyd if he's sleeping with the doctor. Lloyd huffily says, "That's none of your concern, Simon." Au contraire, Lloyd: "Everything you do is my concern since you pressed send on that idiotic e-mail of yours, which brings me to the purpose of my visit."

The two men round a corner and Lloyd staunchly insists, "I'm going public with or without Myhill's cooperation or yours." There's a bit of bickering and Simon concludes, "It looks as if we're at an impasse. There are two ways to settle this. The first is oh, so tawdry and public: I make a general annoyance of myself, kick over as many anthills as possible --" "Enough, Simon," Lloyd interrupts. The second option: Simon and Lloyd play poker to determine whether or not to go public. Lloyd is appalled, asking, "You want to wager the outcome of millions of people on a poker game?" Simon corrects him: "The gods did it all the time -- dice, chess, whatever took their fancy. They liked tinkering with the lives of mere mortals." Lloyd fact-checks Simon on his delusions of divinity, but it doesn't work. Simon posits that being able to kill 20 million people in a flash should land you a spot in the pantheon. "If that doesn't qualify us for godhood, tell me: what does?" To paraphrase a forum poster: How about raising those 20 million from the dead? That seems harder than killing them in the first place.

Mark, Janis and Demetri are now in Barstow (say hi to Shack, y'all!) and pulling up to their witness's house in a modest neighborhood. There are lots of black-and-whites around, which generally suggests a crime scene, and the agents fret over the possibility that the man with three stars on his arm got to Ingrid before they could. When they walk past a gold sedan with a woman's body spilling out of the driver's side, their worst suspicions seem to be confirmed -- but they learn that the dead woman is actually Ingrid Alvarez's roommate. "Looks like they got the wrong roommate, huh?" the local detective says. Mark tries to look grim; his long, fluttering lashes sort of undercut the look.

Simon and Lloyd are still playing cards. Simon is trash-talking nonstop -- "How much are you going to give me this round?" "I hope you don't drag this game out as long as the last one?" -- and every time this alleged genius opens his mouth, I'm reminded of Grady M. Towers' essay "The Outsiders," which posits that extremely brilliant people are "a different kind of human being," and in perceiving themselves as so, they feel profoundly isolated from human society and this can lead to marked social maladjustment.

Anyway, Simon says, "When you lose, you'll be able to console yourself that I've prevented you from confessing to a mass murder." The non-physicist tablemates look at him, alarmed, and Simon shrugs, "Manchester figure of speech." Sort of like the Glasgow kiss, only on a much bigger scale, eh?

Zip! Ingrid's been whisked to the Los Angeles FBI office, where she's saying dazedly, "They killed Blanca but they were trying to kill me?" Yup, that's pretty much the long-and-short of it. Ingrid, sadly, does not add, "But Blanca's flashforward had her winning at the Bellagio!" or "I knew something was up when she refused to say whether she had a flashforward," which seems like a bit of an oversight on a show where everyone's operating under the logic "I had a flashforward, therefore I'm immortal" or "I had no flashforward, therefore I need to act like an extra in a Darren Aronofsky film." Wouldn't a flashforward be a valuable datapoint in a murder investigation, because it might provide motive?

ANYWAY, I may be thinking about this more than anyone currently involved in the show, so let's get back to the scene's main point: Ingrid's recitation of what she saw on that fateful night. Ingrid says, "I was working late, me and one of my clerks. I was locking up for the night. I went to my car, but there were men in the alley. Three of them. They were fighting, but I couldn't hear what about. When it got physical, I hid." We see the two men roughing up a third, asking. "Where is he?" as Ingrid crouches behind her car. She continues, "I called 911 but they put me on hold. I still can't believe I stayed calm enough to use my phone [to shoot the video]. My hands were shaking." We see the two people shoot the third, then relieve the body of its case. Ingrid can't remember too much about the two men -- one was gray-haired, the other big and bald -- but says, "As they were walking away, they were talking about something. It sounded like Q.E.D."

Back to the poker game. One of the players asks, "You guys ever read about that inevitability index thing that's been in all the papers?" Simon replies, "It's a scam -- some entrepreneurial hucksters' idea to sell us on the idea that the odds of the future happening can be 'calculated.' It's all rubbish. Fate is fate. We're not responsible, Lloyd." Lloyd looks up from his dwindling pile of chips to ask, "What about free will?" "No such thing," Simon declares. "Since when did you become such a hard determinist?" Lloyd scoffs. Simon says, "Simple quantum suicide theory. I will win this hand, and every subsequent hand we play ad infinitum. Q.E.D." Lloyd says scornfully, "Don't you get tired of hearing yourself pontificate?" Simon does not: "Don't you get tired of being a self-righteous prig? We're scientists, Lloyd, not attention-seeking reality show contestants looking for their 15 minutes of fame on a talk show." Well, there goes my dream of America's Next Top Stochastic Fluid Model Generator. Lloyd correctly calls Simon out for using his prodigious intellect to justify doing what he damn well pleases. "You upend the entire world and you hide behind determinist rhetoric," Lloyd says with the placid contempt of someone who feels he's got the upper hand in an ethical debate. And it finally hits me why Swingtown tanked.

No, no, hear me out on this digression. Jack Davenport excels at playing people whose personal moral code separates them, rightly or wrongly, from their more fun and exciting contemporaries. And the appeal of these characters -- most of the time -- comes from their solitary, slightly forlorn attempts to cling to their dignity amidst circumstances that have been imposed upon them. Except in Swingtown, Jack Davenport played a man who was morally retarded, and thus his character felt like a hypocritical dolt. You can't really think of hypocritical dolts as sexy, and it's not like the show corrected itself to become Grant Show and His Moustache Finally Get the Harem They Deserve!. Hence, the tankage. (Well, that and CBS being deathly afraid that all the network-friendly sex might kill their audience.)

Here, however, Davenport's back to playing a man whose principles -- so, by extension, his very self -- are under assault. All is well in the universe again. And Simon is snapping, "You're not the only one who lost someone, Lloyd." He declines to share who he's lost -- or ever loved. When Lloyd calls on his hand, Simon says, "I knew you were bluffing this entire hand. Because there's no such thing as luck, or fate, or 'there but for the grace of God.' This game is pointless. I've already won. The future's already happened. Fighting it is futile." The end of his little spiel is the voice-over for footage of Nicole being drowned in the world's best-lit pool.

Nicole snaps out of her flashforward-induced reverie and -- surprise! -- she's dry and she's at the hospital. She tells the patient Olivia, "I'm guessing Mark told you what I saw?" He did. Because when it comes to keeping confidences, it's only his own flashforward where Mark's not spilling the whole can of beans. Olivia warmly adds that she and Mark worry about Nicole, and Nicole witlessly beams, "You don't have to be. I'm going to be fine. The future can change. It's all over the news." Before Olivia and Nicole can convene the symposium on free will versus predestination, they're distracted by a nurse coming by to announce a floral arrangement for the new mother of quintuplets. She needs Nicole's help with it, presumably because it takes two people to shake out all the desperate TLC programmers hiding in the gladioli. As Nicole walks off, she tells Olivia, "We can change what we saw, just before the blackout. Everything's back to being up to us again." You know, as comforting to some people as the idea of being in charge of one's own future must be, I really wish we would have also seen the converse: people who are absolutely crushed by the idea of their golden future no longer being certain.

At Aaron's house, Tracy's come over to tell her father what happened over in Afghanistan: She's been missing for two years because of the attack on her Humvee -- an attack meant for her personally. A few weeks prior to the attack, she had seen something she shouldn't have. Private-security contracting firm "Jericho PMC" -- mission statement: "Blackwater? Never heard of 'em." -- massacred an Afghani village full of women and children, and Tracy happened to observe it while she was doing long-range recon in the area. Tracy reported it to her superior officer, and a week later, her supervisor sent her on the mission where she was assumed to have met her end. The people who blew her up? Jericho. Tracy reasons that because of Jericho PMC's status as a military contractor, the Army's in collusion to hush this up, so she can't exactly trust the armed forces to have her back. The Tracy-survives-the-blast-and-discovers-her-leg-missing is all very harrowing, but I couldn't really get into it because I kept thinking, "Lady, you spent a lot of time rolling around on the ground and screaming after you came to. Exactly how fearsome and far-reaching can these mercs be if they didn't even have the brains to check out what all the noise downwind from the flambeed Humvee was?" I ask you, doesn't anyone teach murder-happy mercenaries to confirm their kills anymore?

And in the next scene, Aaron totally violates his daughter's confidence and has a curbside chit-chat with Mark. After Aaron shows Mark a time-stamped photo of Tracy taken on his mobile, he answers Mark's gasped "How?" by explaining, "Tracy would kill me if she knew I was talking to you. She was in a Humvee with three other soldiers. It got blown to Hell. A bloody mess, body parts everywhere, including her leg -- the DNA, right?" Mark asks the pertinent question: What's Tracy been doing these past two years? Ah, but that is what Aaron wants to talk to Mark about: "She's been on the run. She saw something she shouldn't have, and got in trouble with Jericho. They were the ones who attacked her. I know this sounds like something out of a Baldacci novel or something, but Tracy was dead, and now she's alive. I really need your help, Mark. Tracy was scared to death of these Jericho guys, and I'm afraid they're going to try and find her."

Cut to Mark undressing for bed, thinking about the new secret he has to keep from Olivia. She knows something's up, but all Mark says is, "I saw something today, and it got me thinking that if this person's future could come true -- and it did, even though it seemed impossible -- then maybe these visions are more set in stone than we thought." Olivia's not having any of that: "Maybe we have to work that much harder [to subvert them]." Speaking of which -- Mark asks how Olivia likes her new lingerie, and she deflects the query. As Olivia says, "We can change things, Mark. We just have to decide how badly we want to, how far we're willing to go to make it happen," the scene shifts to her office, where the janitor is clearing out the ashcan, which is now full of Olivia's new lingerie. As we shift back to the Benford bedroom, Olivia concludes, "I say there's nothing -- nothing -- we shouldn't be willing to do for one another to make it happen."

Speaking of willing to do insane things for noble reasons ... Mark goes to work the next morning and pitches the idea of using Ingrid as bait in a trap to draw out the star-tattooed guy. Wedeck patiently says, "I know a lot's changed, but we still don't use civilians as bait." Wedeck asks everyone to work the Parofsky angle, but Janis and Demetri quickly demonstrate that they have: Parofsky used to be the chief engineer for Micro-Circadian Electronics and was recently let go on suspicion of corporate espionage. Janis brings up Ingrid's recollection of the thugs taking a package off Parofsky before killing him; she wonders if it contained purloined intellectual property. To make a procedural scene a little snappier: Mark argues that these unknown killers are hot to whack Ingrid, so floating the rumor that she's out of protective custody ought to flush out the goons, and then they can be apprehended in a Mark-masterminded sting. Were I Demetri and Wedeck, I'd remind Mark of his last grand plan, which ended in flames at a doll factory. But I'm not, so they don't, and thus the dramatically-convenient plan continues apace. Ah! One more relevant thing in this scene: Wedeck suspects a mole in their department, what with "whoever we're investigating knows what we're doing before we do it," and all the recent attempts to fold, spindle and mutilate the series regulars. Mark is on board with that, arguing that someone has to let the tattooed killers into the well-secured FBI building on April 29, and it makes sense that it's someone on the inside. I suspect Agent Vreede. You heard me call it here first.

Night has fallen. Aaron brings a hot beverage to Tracy as she sits out on the back patio, and she asks if there's any chance that he spiked it with bourbon. Aaron snorts that it's not likely, and asks when Tracy took up the demon rum; she declines to answer. But she's plenty vocal once Aaron reveals that he's looped Mark in on what's going on. "Are you insane? You don't even know these people. I came to this house specifically because I thought I'd be safe, but I see now that was a big mistake. The second that Jericho knows I'm still alive, they'll find me and they'll kill me." Aaron refutes all this with, "Don't you remember your flashforward? The fact that you even had one proves that you're going to be alive." Then Aaron narrates his complete flashforward: "I was with you. I gave you my pocketknife. You were on a cot. You fell asleep. We were in some kind of bunker or cave, surrounded by guards." (With portraits of keffiyeh-wearing men and Islamic script on the walls, by the way.) Aaron continues, "I think somebody was calling my name. Then I stepped outside. There was a man out there. He was very concerned about you. He said something strange, 'The account has been verified,' then I gave him an envelope, but I don't know what was in it." Tracy asks about the man in Aaron's vision and we learn that person is Khamir Dejan, a field medic with the I.M.C. Khamir's the one who took care of Tracy after her Jericho incident, it turns out. Tracy says, "That's why I left. I was so afraid Jericho would kill Khamir to get to me." Aaron falls back on his I-saw-it-in-the-flashforward-ergo-it's-true argument, but Tracy's not fully on board with his theory of predestination. Also, she seems not to be too thrilled about the idea of being back in Afghanistan.

And now, the sting, only without Paul Newman or the tinkling ivories of Scott Joplin. Mark and Demetri are outside Ingrid's House of Birds, while Janis is on the inside, eying all the beady-eyed avians with a mix of wariness and curiosity. She breaks the ice by complimenting Ingrid on her "amazing birds," and Ingrid replies, "My babies. The only real family I've ever had. Each one is special to me. I can't believe I ever thought of giving them up." Um, awwww? I think? I'd treat you all to a monologue on the fearsomeness of birdy talons and cruelly-curved beaks, except I voluntarily live with a 20-pound cat who clicks around on his own Fu Manchu-length set of claws and expresses affection by sinking his teeth into any tender, exposed flesh he can find, so really, I have no (toothmarked) leg to stand on here. ANYWAY, Ingrid goes on to share her flashforward: She was blonde, working with birds at the Bronx zoo, and most certainly not with her friends here. "So the next day, I put [the store] up for sale." Janis notes that the market for bird stores appears to have fallen prey to the recession. Ingrid's philosophical: "It was all for the best. I don't know what I was thinking, changing my life for a future that might not even come true." Janis looks very thoughtful at this.

Outside, Demetri and Mark are gossiping about Demetri's relationship with Zooey, and blah blah blah, whatever. We get it, Demetri's facing down murder and grappling with how to best spend his time before he's consigned to the Bureau Invisible.

Back inside Ingrid's Aviary, the lady is generously offering Janis one of her cockatiels as a symbol of gratitude. Janis tries to duck out with, "Ingrid, if you truly loved your birds, you're not going to want to give one to me, but thank you." Before things can get awkward with Ingrid forcibly thrusting a bird into Janis's arms, the power goes out. The mercs are back for Ingrid. Janis raises the boys on radio, and Mark orders some unseen troops to surround the perimeter.

We get a scene -- in the DARK, so it's not like we can see anyone -- of Mark stalking the tattoo-bearing guy and vice-versa, and it's interspersed with flashbacks to previous episodes, but the upshot is, Mark very nearly gets killed by a guy with the stars on his arm, but Demetri shoots the guy first.

Then Demetri is kicking himself for shooting the star-tattooed guy, and Mark tries to console him by pointing out that had Demetri not acted, then he (Mark) would be dead on the floor. Demetri says heavily, "You can't interrogate a dead man." Not on this show, anyway. I can't believe neither of these ace investigators have realized that maybe, just maybe, it's possible for two different people to have the same thing tattooed on some part of their body.

Outside, Janis walks over to a shell-shocked Ingrid and breaks the news that at least one of the men who wants her dead is still out there. Ergo, the best thing to do is to put Ingrid in protective custody, i.e. the witness protection program. Ingrid says, "That's okay. I think it's my future -- I should have trusted my gut all along." Janis looks very thoughtful as she ponders this; perhaps she's realized that the theme of this episode appears to be Destiny just called; She said "Free will is for suckers." Or perhaps Janis is remembering that her own guts were, until very recently, scrambled and fried and as such their little messages may not be quite accurate? There's a Meaningful Look, in any event.

Back at the card game between Simon and Lloyd: as the strings play a tense little number in the back, Simon glares at Lloyd across the table and says, "Judging from your dwindling amount of chips, your pain is almost over." The dealer lays out the next hand: a five of hearts, a king of hearts, a king of clubs. Then the dealer lays down an eight of hearts. Simon begins the smacktalk: "What are you thinking over there, mate? Maybe you got a pair of eights, rocking a full boat. How much do you have left?" Lloyd has "just under 15." I am going to assume that's "thousand dollars" and not "chips." Ah, yes -- Simon and Lloyd throw more chips in the pile, and the dealer lays down a seven of hearts. Simon sips his drink (sadly, it is not a glass of shut-up juice) and suggests that it's time to bring an end to this subplot: the last hand will be winner-take-all. He concludes, "If you win, we'll go public. But, of course, I'll win and you'll keep your mouth shut." Lloyd sighs and looks down at the table unhappily, then spits out, "Fine." Simon pushes his whacking great lot of poker chips into the middle of the table, and Lloyd tosses his few chips out. Simon then says, "As a physicist, you're a genius. But you were never very good at concealing your tells." He flips over his cards: king of diamonds and king of spades. The dealer duly notes, "Four of a kind for Mr. Campus." Lloyd looks drained -- understandable for someone who's spent the last few weeks surviving on hospital food -- then flips over a nine of hearts and a six of hearts. The camera swoops back to Lloyd's face. He looks tired, but also smugly vindicated. Cut to Simon, who looks gobsmacked. The dealer helpfully clarifies: "Straight flush. Pot and game to Mr. Simcoe. Congratulations." Lloyd stands up and tells the dealer to keep the chips: "Call it a tip. I got what I came for." And honestly, I am now wildly curious as to what kind of health insurance Dylan had, because if Lloyd doesn't need that money to cover the deductibles on that kid's hospital stay and procedures ... Anyway, the camera cuts away before we can see the blackjack dealer cartwheeling around the card room in joy, and instead, it's Simon sprinting to catch up with Lloyd, as Lloyd has places to go and people to tell about his role in the blackout. He demands, "How did you beat me?" Lloyd sighs and replies, "Did I tell you Dylan really loves magic?" An ace pops out of his sleeve. Lloyd continues, "Sleight of hand's his favorite." HAAAA. I am really amused that Lloyd cheated! And I bet Simon never imagined it, what with Lloyd playing the part of the gotta-be-honest doctor with a conscience. Lloyd rubs it in some more with, "There are some things even I won't leave to chance. That being said, I'll let you have the first pass at drafting the announcement." Lloyd then pats Simon's cheek -- which does not dislodge Simon's glower in the slightest -- and saunters off. Simon stands there; the thought bubble above his head probably reads: "To Do: 1. Embed Lloyd-targeted insults in the statement. 2. Solve the physics equation that will let me set people on fire with my glare. 3. Take a long, hard look at that cheating cheater who cheated."

We zip from the glowerers to the brooders as Mark thanks Demetri for "backing my play." Demetri would like to know which play he's backing, please? "Is this about taking Tattoo Man off the streets, or putting him under it? ... I know you said if we get this guy, we might be able to change our futures. I wanted to make sure here the plan wasn't to kill him so he can't kill me or come after you in your office." Mark pissily inqures, "Whatever gave you that idea?" Demetri points out that Mark isn't the only one invested in making sure the future doesn't come true. Mark is all, Oh, yeah, you're a little hung up on missing St. Patrick's Day 2010. He tries to glare self-righteously at Demetri -- and fails, as those big, Bambi-esque eyes simply can't summon anything more scalding than "mild confusion" -- and asks if Demetri really thinks Mark's capable of killing someone on the suspicion that it will prevent an unwanted future. Demetri replies, "I would've," and walks out. Mark sits there and tries to look darkly contemplative but again, the Bambi Mug pretty much makes it look like he just smelled a flower that didn't live up to his olfactory expectations.

Janis, meanwhile, is busy reading up on sperm donation via Wikipedia, because why wouldn't you trust anonymous, crowd-sourced and self-vetted information over any content produced by accountable medical professionals? Wedeck comes up to ask what she's doing, and Janis replies, "Trusting my gut." And, probably, dying a little on the inside now that her boss has seen her browser with the words "SPERM DONATION" splashed across it in 48-point type. Wedeck rubs her shoulders with paternal affection (aww!) and prods Janis about a prior email.

Janis has a new, NSA-provided rendering of the Suspect Zero photo, and the only interesting and useful new thing to come out of it is the observation that Suspect Zero is wearing a ring. Wedeck would like the NSA to work more digital wizardry and identify the ring ASAP: "If we can tie this jewelry to the guy wearing it, we'll have our first workable lead."

Mark comes home to Surly Benford Manor and interrupts Olivia mid-laundry folding and tells her, "I killed a man today. I had a shot at changing my future -- at changing our future, and I took it." There is the requisite post-murder hugging and Mark tells Olivia, "Maybe April 29 is just going to be another day at the office now." A troubled-looking Olivia's all, "Come again?" and Mark unravels the logic: since he's killed the man with the star tattoos, surely he's changed the future. Because, after all, nobody in the history of the world has ever gotten the same tattoo as anyone else, right? As Olivia hugs him, she realizes Mark's just one-upped her in the future-changing efforts: it's a long way from tossing lingerie to killing a tattooed goon.

Oh, wait! The universe is about to prove Mark wrong about changing the future! It's a dark and stormy night, and the guy who is the reason Ingrid's now in hiding rolls down the passenger-side window on a truck and hands over that attache case to a waiting goon. We see that they've both got the three-star tattoo, as do other anonymous goons milling about this undisclosed location. A non-bald goon conveys the case inside a shadowy warehouse to ... Ricky Jay? Okay. To Ricky Jay, who opens the case to confirm that there are six signet rings in it. Each ring is inscribed with an alpha symbol. But Ricky Jay wants more bling; he notes that there were supposed to be seven rings. Why -- so Ricky Jay can return them to the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone? We don't get to find out. Ricky Jay's about to lay some philosophy on us: "After the first atom bomb test, you know what a colleague of Oppenheimer's said? 'What a foul and awesome display.' He then added, 'Now we are all sons of bitches.'" Then Ricky Jay gets up and shoots the goon, possibly reducing the world's sons-of-bitches count by one, and he goes waltzing off-screen, having fulfilled this week's Contractually Obligated Cliffhanger.

Well! I, for one, cannot wait for the future episode where Lloyd, Dylan and Ricky Jay battle for the future of society via clever magic tricks. Bring it, sweeps!

sobell is terrible at poker; she'd have asked Simon if they couldn't maybe play blackjack for the bet. She blogs here and here, and tweets here.

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And, with that, they're off. The ladies return to their room to pack up. Althea, who is so unnecessarily insecure, attempts to be friendly to the completely undeserving-of-her-friendship Irina. "There's definitely been some tension between me and Irina," she says, "since she called me out on the runway for copying her, without ever talking to me about it." We see again the clip of Irina claiming on the runway that "there has been a little bit resemblance of things in the workroom." Whatever. Like you invented sweaters? Shut up. Althea says she is not going to forgive and forget. "Well, I forgive," she says. "But I'm not gonna forget." Okay, not what Jesus would do, but who can cast the first stone? I would have a hard time forgiving, as well, especially because Irina seems so uninterested in being forgiven. "I think Carol Hannah and Althea, they are intimidated," Irina says with a pretty smile in an interview. "They know I've done well, so they are expecting me to take the big guns to Bryant Park. But, I'm bringing a tank. I'm taking a whole army with me if I have to."

Look, I admire confidence. I think it is so necessary and, if you are a creative person who wants to create things for a living, being confident is more than half the battle. But smugness? It's unattractive, especially when it is not justified. You win the Superbowl? You can be smug. But if you're just getting to the playoffs? Not the time to be counting your chickens.

Ten weeks later, Tim Gunn puts on his traveling shoes and heads first to Huntington, NY, which is apparently considered a suburb of New York City. Carol Hannah, he says, has moved there to complete her collection and be near New York. The thing is, she's moved into a HUGE house! I love it. Way to go big, CH. Apparently, this home belongs to a friend, and it is quite crazily spacious. She greets Tim at the door where he has arrived after having driven through what appears to have been a blizzard. The whole yard is covered in thick snow.

Carol Hannah says she felt like she could be more productive in NY than in Charleston, and takes Tim upstairs to a huge room where her collection is laid out. She explains that her inspiration for the whole thing came from a visit to none other than Duke University, where her friend works and gave her a late-night tour of the campus. That seems kind of random, but cool -- it is a gorgeous place, especially at night. The chapel will blow your mind. The architecture and the ethereal light made her visit "kind of whimsical and fairy tale," she says, and this inspired her to create, for one, a silvery-lavender satin, tiered poof dress that, believe me, is cuter than it sounds. It is not, however, in need of a spangled belt, which she had planned to include. "Can I be blunt with you?" Tim asks. "I'm not in favor of it." He says the dress will lose its sophistication by adding the belt -- he's right, it looks like something my mom would buy from Chico's -- and CH agrees. "You know me," she laughs. "I like to add things." Tim says he knows she does, but she must refrain. She's also made what looks like a stunning deep purple evening gown, and covered it with an old lady cape. "You've aged her 30 years!" Tim says, aghast, and it's so true. Less is more, CH.

Carol Hannah feels like she has pushed the envelope a bit with this collection, and Tim agrees. "I have made PANTS," she announces to his surprise, and mine. I can get down with that, though tragically she has also made a pair of formal shorts, clearly never having read the extensively detailed and sage wisdom on such garments provided, for free, for the benefit of all, by the Fug Girls. Shorts or not, most of her pieces, even the casual ones, she says, have "a little bit of evening flair."

She acknowledges that she has a lot of work left to do. "It's going to be..." she says, pausing, looking for just the right word, "tough." Hee. Yes, well, I guess that about covers it. She "surprises" Tim by telling him that her family has flown in to meet him and that they will be cooking him a traditional Southern meal. "Oh, that's great!" he says, and I believe him, though I cannot imagine Tim Gunn enjoying fatback in any scenario. However, he is a man whose manners are as impeccable as his hair, and I salute him for it. Even when he is charged with lending a hand in the kitchen, he is thrilled. "I love a kitchen!" he says, and heads downstairs to don an apron OVER HIS SUIT. I die, seriously. He does not even take his jacket off or roll up his sleeves. Love. What an absolutely loveable man. He rolls dough and cuts biscuits with the best of them. "If they bomb, it's going to be your fault," CH's mom says. I don't know if y'all have ever made biscuits, but it can be fraught, let me tell you. There is a touch that is required, and getting it wrong is grounds for a telling-off in some households (mine). I had to give up eating gluten this year, and the only thing that really gets to me is the biscuits. I can forgo cupcakes, bread, crackers, BEER (sob!), but when I am visiting my mother and she makes biscuits for breakfast, I have to leave the house.

Carol Hannah's mom says that watching her go on this journey has been really interesting. Her own mother, she says, was a great seamstress. "I used to watch her," Carol Hannah says, "and then I would make little doll clothes and she would tell me how." She says that's how she learned construction, by making the tiny dresses. "Well," Tim says, lining biscuits in perfectly straight rows, "it's the same principle."

We delve further into CH's past. She says she was a really awkward kid with "long, monkey arms, braces and big, ugly glasses." The photos they show of her as a child bear this out, though frankly, she was as cute then as she is now. Kids in glasses = cute, no matter what. She adds that she gained a lot of confidence making things for herself and other people. "The thing I love about fashion is that it changes the way you see yourself, and the way that other people see you," she says. "And, I looove it." I think CH is pretty great, I have to say. I would be happy if she won, or if Althea won. I would also be happy if either or both of them had a makeup consultation with a trained professional, because both of them wear a ridiculous amount of it in inappropriate shades.

At dinner, Carol Hannah's dad sweetly says that she has always been very determined to go out and do the things she wants to do. "I love her," he says. CH has tears in her eyes. "Thanks, Daddy," she says and look, maybe I have tears in my eyes, too. What's wrong with me? I'm really asking.

She says that she's not a fashion school graduate (though I thought she went, at some point, right?), and that she's self-taught. "Sometimes, it's a little intimidating to think about the fact that everyone else has been formally trained," she says, but she thinks that because she's had to learn everything herself, she's learned a lot more in the process. She walks arm in arm with Tim Gunn out into the snow, striking a perfect Love Story pose. "Love you!" he says, kissing both of her cheeks. "Love you, too!" she says, and I seethe with a jealous rage. Tim Gunn! I LOVE YOU.

Next, it's off to Irina's tiny closet of an apartment in Manhattan to see her collection. I am sure you get used to it, but tell me, New Yorkers, how do you live like this? My smallest apartment ever was 700 square feet when I lived in Dallas, and I felt like I could cook from the bathtub. Comparing it, however, to Irina's place, it was a palatial estate. Not only does she live there, she resides with a tiny, yippy dog named Princess. Siiiiiigh. I can't hate on a dog, even a yippy one, but... Princess? Tim finds her cute, or pretends to, even though she yips at him.

Irina shows him her sketches, all of which are displayed on her refrigerator. That is sort of cute. She says that she really wanted to make this collection about herself, and where she's from. "I automatically thought of Coney Island," she says. Which... isn't Coney Island thought to be kind of seedy? Please do forgive me if I am wrong about that. Anyway, Irina and her sister used to go there for fun, and it has informed the designs in her collection. "So, it's kind of a celebration of your growing up in New York," Tim says, "and more specifically Coney Island." Irina says, yes, it's really her "thank you to New York for being so good to me." That's very sweet, really. She explains that her family is from the Republic of Georgia and that her parents moved her and her sister to New York "to achieve the New York dream." Of living in a closet. No? Wait, no. To achieve success. They show some really fantastic black and white photos of Irina's gorgeous mom back in the day. She explains that one of her ideas has to do with t-shirts, which she has screen printed with classic postcard images of Brooklyn and Coney Island. To my surprise, Tim lauds this t-shirt idea as positive risk-taking. I guess he hasn't been in any souvenir shops lately? It just doesn't seem that risky when you can buy that same t-shirt on the boardwalk for $4.99. She's also done some knits. "They're hand knits," she says. "Not cut and sew." Tim is impressed by the knits, less so by this kind of terrible fur, crosshatch, vest or something she has done and is planning to pair with some kind of... thing? It's hard to understand what she's talking about -- the sketch she's showing him looks like a formal gown -- but she hasn't made it, yet, so it's hard to imagine it. In fact, it reminds Tim of a sisal rug, Heeee. Irina, however, insists that when it is finished it will be "elegant." Elegance, she says, is always "in." Elegant or not, Tim encourages her to make sure her collection does not end up looking forced. "I don't know what Althea's collection is gonna look like," she says, "I don't know what Carol Hannah's collection is gonna look like." Side note: Why can't she say the name Hannah? I mean, she can say "hand," right? It's like that. How hard is it? Anyway, she has a lot of work to do, Tim says, yadda yadda.

Later, Tim meets Irina's family and friends in New York for lunch at one of her favorite (unnamed) restaurants. Her family is, no joke, stunning. I don't know why her mom wanted to dye her beautiful dark hair blonde, but it ain't for me to say. Her parents moved to the States so that Irina and her sister could achieve success, and Irina gets a little choked up in an interview talking about how she feels like she has to do what her parents did not get to do, themselves, because of moving away from their homeland and experiencing culture shock. The folks tell TG that they are very proud of their daughter. "I always believed she would become somebody," Irina's mom says, in a beautiful, heavy accent. Irina says her mom has always been supportive of her, and pretty much gave her free rein to do whatever she wanted... which may explain why she is so aggressively fond of herself, but still, it's nice to hear of a parent being supportive of their child's dream. I always like that. Her mom says that Irina called her a few days ago, saying how stressed out she was and that she couldn't sleep, to which her mom replied, "You work so hard, so many years... you have to win it. You have no choice." Awesome. It reminded me so vividly of this awesome shirt, I had to stop and laugh. Tim emotionally says that, no matter the outcome of the competition, Irina is already a winner. It's so sweet of him, especially since he declines to tack on that she's also a biiiiitch.

"I'm a winner, too, for having a daughter like her," her mom says, and Irina is very moved. It's terribly sweet. She has a really nice family, despite her old-school Georgian dad who has not always been supportive of his daughter going into fashion, but now seems to be at least supporting her in this competition. "Good luck for you," he says, raising his glass. "To Irina," Tim Gunn adds, "and to the American Dream." Aw.

Finally, he is off to Dayton, Ohio to visit Althea. Despite presumably living in NYC for many years and no doubt traveling in many service elevators, he is flummoxed by the freight lift he has to ride to get to her loft. It earns both a "yikes," and an "egads," both of which are hilarious in every way. Althea says in an interview that she came back to her hometown to work so that she could really focus. "I'll have plenty of time to get to New York afterwards," she says. Her explains to Tim that when she came home from Los Angeles, she started watching a lot of SciFi movies, and that her collection was thus inspired. So weird! I mean, all of them have these random "inspirations" that seem... unlike anything they appeared to be into on the show. Althea just did not seem like a Trekkie of any kind to me, before. "I was really inspired by these women in these movies," she says, adding that she wanted to translate that strong woman vibe into her clothes. "All right, I'm intrigued," Tim Gunn says, unable to fully cloak the skepticism in his voice.

Althea, like Irina, has knits in her collection, and the ones Tim sees are so good, he wants to see more. However, when he sees some kind of confusing coat/dress thing made out of what looks like an entire bolt of sweatpants material, he is beyond concerned. "It looks like Edwardian era, but she's visiting the Old West," he says. "This can't walk down that Bryant Park runway!" Althea trusts him, and takes it in stride. She does have this annoying thing where instead of discussing things, she says "yeah, yeah" like whatever he's saying she's already thought of, but I will chalk that up to her being smart enough not to argue with an industry expert. She says in an interview that she knows that editing is a very important step. Tim tells her that she has a lot of editing to do, yes, but that she has a lot of really great work behind her. "Just don't lose sight of who you are," he insists. Althea says she is thinking that if she stays true to herself, she can create something that is unique and make a big statement.

She takes Tim through the snowy landscape to her family's house. "This is adorable!" Tim says of the home, and is greeted by Althea's family, a big group of her friends and her cute boyfriend. A montage of photos of Althea reveals that she was a gorgeous child. She says that she wanted to be an artist when she was younger, and that her drawing evolved into fashion drawing. Her mother remembers when Althea was in fifth grade and said that she wanted a sewing machine. Her sweet dad says that they all understood that her future was in New York. Althea says that the fact that she's going to Bryant Park to show her work makes her future seem limitless. I just like Althea, y'all. She's young and her insecurities are sometimes worn on her sleeve, which is frustrating, but I like her. It is a close race for me between her and ol' CH, who I also love.

Back in New York, Tim has to make a difficult phone call. Apparently, the images Irina was using on her Coney Island tees are copyrighted. She's obviously devastated. "I don't want this to adversely impact your incredible collection in any way," he says. "I want you to use it, but with images that are your own." She's only got ten days to come up with something else, and she's exhausted. Seriously, she looks totally sleep-deprived and miserable, and it's heartbreaking to imagine having to start over on something like that. She groans that maybe she'll hand-paint a new Ferris wheel image, or come up with something completely different. Ugh. She's not my fave, but still, that sucks.

With five days remaining before the show, the ladies begin arriving in New York. Let me ask y'all something... is the finale this boring every season? Not that their lives are boring, or anything, but dudes. Is it just me or are they saying the same stuff over and over again? "I'm nervous. It's challenging. This is important to me." Yeah, uh, we got it the first 100 times you said it, everybody. "I'm very confident, but at the same time, very nervous," Irina says. Again. She adds that doing Fashion Week is great, but at the same time, the point of the competition is to win it. I suppose she has a point, though being grateful for this ridiculous opportunity might occur to your average human at some point.

When Irina arrives at the hotel suite the three of them will share, Althea is already ensconced. "I didn't even hear you come in," Althea says, giddy. Yes, well, demons move quietly. That is how they get you. "This is so cuuuute," Althea says of Irina's coat, in that "I haaate yoooou" way that only young women can give a compliment. There is weird tension which Althea can only smile and nod through, and without Carol Hannah being there yet, they can only fake nice with each other. Althea says in an interview that she doesn't trust Irina as far as she can throw her, and she feels like Irina could snap back to her betraying persona at any time. She is quite right.

Irina also says in an interview that she distanced herself from Althea after they left LA, which, um... yes, it's not "distancing yourself" when you crap all over someone on television. When you don't hear from someone after that, they are "distancing" themselves from YOU. Because you are a rat. She goes on to add that, you know, working closely in the workroom with all those people for those weeks was hard, but that, in the end, she still "sort of" liked everybody. Whatever.

The tension of each other's company is not helped by the absence of Carol Hannah, who was supposed to be there hours ago. Finally, Tim arrives with some disturbing news. Carol Hannah is very sick. "Oh, nooo," Irina and Althea say in flat unison. Ha! Maybe they are sympathetic, a little, but you know... not really. Anyway, CH has a stomach virus and cannot be there that day. "It's contagious," Tim says, dramatically, and adds that they want her to "heal and repair" before she comes to the workroom. "It would have to be like, death, that would keep me from being here right now," Althea interviews. "So, I can only imagine how bad it is." Setting this news aside, they read a little note from Heidi welcoming them to Fashion Week and share a toast of champagne, sparing a small raise of the glass for their fallen comrade, Carol Hannah, as well. That is short lived, naturally. When Tim is gone, Irina says, WHILE LAUGHING, that she "honestly" feels sorry for Carol Hannah. Althea is a little more honest in an interview, mentioning that though this is bad for CH, it's good for the two of them left in the contest. "What if it's only two people?" she asks Irina. "We'll either become best friends or the worst enemies," Irina laughs, again. Um, I believe you are well on your way to the latter, right? So let's not be ridiculous.

A new day dawn and it is time for their first trip to the workroom. Althea is pleased that it is painted a calming blue. They see Carol Hannah's collection there, but not her, and are just about to get nervous in the silence between them when she shows up. "When I walked in, there was a little bit of 'oh, she made it,'" CH interviews. Hey, producers? I see what you're doing, here. Next, on Lifetime, Girls Are Bitches. Ugh. Carol Hannah tells them how she was barfing all day and night the previous day, and suggests they not try to hug her. It does not appear that they were jumping up to do so. Irina says in an interview that she does feel for CH. "If you don't have your health, you have nothing," she says, in all seriousness, sounding about as Old World as you can get. Thank you, village witchdoctor, for your healing wisdom.

Thank God Tim Gunn arrives to make it interesting again. He reminds them, as if they could forget, that they are now but a block from Bryant Park, and begins a tour of their collections. "You've done a lot of work," he says to Althea, but he does not like a sequined jacket she's made and suggests she take it out. She agrees with him, which is sort of a shame, because... well, I love a sequin. Althea is questioning herself, and experiencing it's really too bad. Tim has some good advice about whether or not her pieces are all for the same customer, but it really seems to throw her in a self-doubt loop. It's hard not to, when he suggests that one look is "downright Hilary Clinton." Aw, come on. When he points out all the good knitting she's done, the camera cuts to Irina, looking smug like she invented knitting and like somehow Althea used her psychic powers to divine that Irina had the totally groundbreaking idea to have a sweater in her collection and copied her. When Tim walks away she "jokingly" accuses her of doing that, and I am sure it takes all of Althea's inner strength not to go for her with a pair of scissors. "The last thing I want to do is copy from her," she says in an interview. "Shut up."

I am thankful that Tim now shifts the focus to the still-green Carol Hannah. He asks how she's doing, wondering if she's feeling okay: "Comme çi, comme ça?" Hilaaaariously, she says no, she's just so-so. His tour of her collection leads her to discard one jacket that she already hated, choose to keep a dress that is rather plain, but necessary, and rethink another to, as Tim suggests, give it some youth. There appears to be A LOT of satin going on in her collection. A lot. Nine THOUSAND dollars, people! You could have spun clothes from gold thread for that! Perhaps I exaggerate... and then again I have not seen the full collections, yet, so maybe all will be revealed when some kind of titanium, Japanese-import mother of pearl ensemble rolls down the runway.

Time now to turn to Irina, who "can't begin to tell you how much heartache I gave myself over this collection." She says that in lieu of the copyright-infringed tees she had originally included, she came up with another idea -- to put phrases on the t-shirts, using the same burnout technique, listing reasons to love New York. People, prepare yourselves to rise up in righteous indignation. This chick, so fond of accusing people of "copying" her, has now ripped off not one, but two sources of copyrighted material! Allow the fabulous Project Rungay to break down the whole controversy. (Link contains one mild spoiler.) In brief, when she was told she could not use one copyrighted image, she then appears to have Googled "reasons to love New York," and... just lifted her whole thing straight from this article titled -- wait for it -- Reasons. To Love. New York. Wow, it's embarrassing. And RIDICULOUS. Girl, I don't care how tired you are... you couldn't come up with your own reasons to love NEW YORK? The mind veritably REELS. Here's the thing: I don't like her, but I hope and pray that this scene was edited to make it LOOK like she is trying to pull a fast one, and that actually she turned to Tim and said "yeah, I used this stuff from NY Mag and here it is," and he said "that's fine." I don't know how it could be fine, but still, that's what I hope, because... wow. Anything other than that would take balls the size of the Republic of Georgia, and I hate to think of anyone being so crazy that they would try to get away with it!

Aside from all that, Tim's main problem is that her entire collection is black. Like her heart! Carol Hannah says in an interview (in a Muppet voice) that Irina's collection "is alotta black." It is. Where it's not black, it's gray. Y'all, Irina may be falling apart just a tad. She's tried to create a "new" leather pant (ugh, "pant" in the singular makes me gag), and Tim is doing that scary thing where you can tell he really hates something because he goes into a very mild, subdued, panic. It's subtle, but I know y'all can see it when he says, "I don't know, I'd just need to see them on." He's afraid, he says, that they look like chaps. Dang! Irina is looking really tired when she leads him over to a heap of fabric on the floor to show him her finale dress, which even she admits is currently a mess. It's, shocker, also black and though we can't really see it, Tim says the sequined top is too precious, and the bottom is too modern. Hmm. Black dress with sequins... didn't Carol Hannah do that in the Bob Mackie challenge? Yes. Copycat, much, Irina?

Althea is stealing glances over her shoulder at all of this, and says in an interview that while there are pieces of her stuff that need work, nothing needs as much as Irina's dress. "There's pins everywhere," she says. "And there's probably about twenty yards of hemming. Does she want to get to that, soon? I don't know." Hee. Now who's being smug? Meanwhile, Irina is trying to explain to Tim that she got sort of insane with wrapping and braiding fabric on the dress, and the whole thing makes him put his head in his hands and say, in all seriousness, "Good God, you have a lot of work to do." Y'all, if Tim Gunn said that to me, in that tone, I would jump off a bridge. Before leaving, he reminds them that they have a lot of work to do on their stuff as well as model castings, fittings and hair and makeup consultations.

The time has come for model casting, which would have been interesting to watch in detail, but we only see a little of it. "What kind of models are you looking for?" Carol Hannah asks. Irina: "The pretty kind?" Ha! Althea says she's looking for certain body types for certain looks, and they head off to meet the casting director. After a parade of skinny chicks, they make their final selections. The best is when Carol Hannah asks one girl where she's from. "I'm from Norway," the girl says. CH: "I want her." Beautiful.

Back in the workroom, much work is happening when they are surprised by a visit from none other than the Vicious Twins, Nina Garcia and Michael Kors. Everyone is mortified, but as Irina says, advice from these two is always valuable. She's glad, she says, to get a chance to talk to them when they're not grilling them on the runway. In other news, I wish Irina didn't pronounce a hard G on the end of every -ing word. Everything sounds like: "when they're not grilleen gus on the runway." I am sure this is a product of both her parents' accented speech and perhaps the area of NY she's from? I have no room to talk, of course, having the most ridiculous accent of all time, myself, but still. It bugs.

Nina and Michael seem to give pretty good advice. Everything, they say, should totally exemplify who the finalists as designers. If they see anything in their collections that's been done before, Nina says, they should take that stuff out. Michael explains how to order the show, in high/low moments like the audience is being taken for a ride. All good. Nina adds that they should think about color, and seemingly without knowing anything about Irina's collection, says that an all-black collection is difficult to get editorial on. I think that's what she says, anyway -- the edit is really weird and the camera is on Irina, not Nina, so who knows if Nina was even in the room when she said this? Anyway, Irina puts her head in her hands. In an interview, she has the unmitigated gall to say that she disagrees with Nina. "I know she's a judge," Irina says, "but color just doesn't fit in to what I'm doing with this collection." Well, Michael did tell them to go with their guts, so I guess... sometimes, though, your gut will turn on you. Ask Carol Hannah! (See what I did?)

Speaking of CH, she is over in her corner, running on adrenaline, breaking mannequins and just trying to live. "I'm a tough person," she says, "and I can push through pretty much anything." Her sickness, however, is draining her. The next day, the models arrive for fittings, and she is still feeling gross. I hope she is no longer contagious, because Tim arrives to send in their "muse models," i.e. the models they were paired with during the regular run of the show, Lisa, Tanisha and Kalyn. Wow, Kalyn's name gets on my nerves. How could that be the way it's really spelled? It is, though. Tim also reminds the designers that whatever look these girls wear in the show will be the looks that appear for that final moment before the judges. So noted, the designers get to fittin'. CH's model, Lisa, has always been my fave. Her body WILL NOT quit, and though I always say she looks good in everything, some of Carol Hannah's more whimsical designs don't quite work on her, so CH has to try her in several things. The other designers are doing the same with their models, taking Polaroids and trying to decide how much time they'll have to alter one look or another.

Heidi arrives, somehow looking more gorgeous than ever before, to surprise them all yet again. Can they get a minute to do some work, or something? Damn. Heidi's big not-at-all-shocking announcement is that they must all now create a 13th look in one day. They don't even pretend to be surprised, possibly because they've seen this show a time or two. Equally unshocking is that they'll have some help -- Gordana, Christopher and Logan have been brought back to pitch in as their assistants. Drawing names from the much-feared velvet bag, Heidi gives them a chance to choose their helpers. Because she is obviously insane, Althea, who is first, chooses Logan. Whaaaat? Possibly she still feels burned by Gordana's late in the game friendship with Irina, but... WHY would you not choose Gordana, master seamstress?! Crazy. I really hope it's not because she was trying to be NICE to Irina, who very obviously would have chosen Gordana no matter what, because if that's it, the girl has Stockholm Syndrome. Also! You know CH is sad that she does not get to choose Logan, who she looooves. However, as the last to choose, she seems pleased enough to have Christopher on her team. He's not terrible at sewing, I don't think, and I believe his niceness will at least help her not to freak out. "Now we have help, which is much needed," she says in an interview. "And, it's way more fun." Anything would be more fun than sitting in a room with Irina, as she tries to bitchily manipulate everyone's emotions, no question.

Tim announces that that for the 13th look, they will have a chance to sketch, receive $450 and take that good ol' trip to Moooood to purchase fabric. Consultations with the new helpers begin immediately. Althea wants to make a strong-shouldered jacket to set off all the knits she's done. Logan, in his twee scarf with his emotional haircut, suggests she not go with her idea to have the lining show, or something -- I can't figure it out, exactly, because we see a nanosecond of the sketch, and Logan mumbles like a teenager.

Over at her station, Irina is explaining to Gordana that all her pieces are done, just not DONE-done. Meaning they're not done at all, and Gordana is not stupid, so she knows this. "Irina definitely needs help," she interviews. "The best thing that I can do is give her the confidence she needs." No, G! The thing you can do is finish her ratty-ass, plagiarized work! Poor Gordana. You chose unwisely when making a buddy of Irina. Whatever the case, she is going to be supportive, obviously, and tells Irina that she would wear any one of her pieces. "Thanks!" Irina says, seemingly genuine. "You can have whatever you want!" Sweet.

Elsewhere, Carol Hannah is explaining to sweet Christopher the basis of her collection. He says that he is mainly there to bandy around ideas with her, not to give her ideas, and when she says that her 13th look will be another gown, he is on board. CH says that with her other pieces, she's been trying to do things that aren't so expected of her, but gowns are what she loves to do, so for this extra look, she feels compelled to do one.

Now it is off to "the original Mood," with Tim, who sends them on a rampage through the store. He overhears Gordana wondering if they need knitting or crochet needles. "You're gonna knit and crochet, Gordana?!" he asks. "Do you have time?" Gordana laughs: "of course!" She probably COULD do it, too. Irina looks half-dead at this point, so I am not sure she will be knitting anything. Elsewhere, Christopher is ferrying fabric back and forth for CH's approval. He is such a nice guy, and seems so willing to help. Althea's got what she needs, but is just worried about running out of money. Finally, it is time to leave. "Thank you Moooood," TG says for a final time, and adds a shout out to the resident bull terrier: "Thank you, Swatch!" Y'all. Like Rachel Zoe, I die. Swatch! I had to rewind it a million times.

Back in the workroom, Logan begins draping a pair of pants for Althea's look. "There's still a lot of work to do," he says. Irina says in an interview that Gordana's role, to her, is key. While Irina lamely irons or whatever, Gordana lolls around doing the grunt work, because that shit is so easy for her. Everybody works on their game plans, deciding what they can finish and what they have to do the next day for fittings or whatever. Everyone is aware of the massive amount of work they have left to do and their helpers all lend moral support in varying degrees.

Back in the hotel, Carol Hannah takes a turn for the worse. As soon as they get in the door, she has to hit the bathroom. "Too much movement! The cab and then the elevator..." she says, when Althea is concerned. She is feeling awful, and Althea sweetly brings her an ice bag for her neck as she hangs her head over the toilet. Competition is one thing, yes, but you do not let a nice girl die on the floor of the bathroom. Do you see Irina in there, holding back hair? No, you do not. I rest my case.

Discuss this episode in our forums, then see which we think were the Best and Worst Looks of the Season. And check back soon for part two of the finale!

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The glow of the sun increases in brightness until the glare fills up the entire screen, obscuring Lois and Clark from view. When the light fades, we're at the Daily Planet, staring at Lois's perfectly blank expression. I think that unlike all the other times her expression is blank, this time it's blank on purpose, as she's been lost in a reverie of red suns and perky man-nipples. Clark sits at the desk across from her, periodically glancing up at her with concern. Romantic music of the comedic variety plays. Clark's paying so much attention to the blankly-staring Lois that he accidentally knocks over his coffee cup. Or maybe, judging by his goofy smile, he did it on purpose to get Lois's attention. She keeps staring into nothingness. He goes, "Earth to Lois!" and she finally blinks and looks at him. He notes that it's like she's been on a different planet, which leads her to respond, "Easy, Armstrong, this space-case is buried in research!" Stop giving her openings to spout catchy dialogue that isn't catchy! She has two weeks of work to catch up on, she says. He teases her about leaving because of what happened between them. She blushes, much to Clark's surprise. She covers by blathering about how her "ejector seat malfunction" wasn't all about Clark. He offers to talk with her about it, but she turns him down: "When I want to talk about it, I'll send up a smoke signal!" That... was an abrupt change from space-travel metaphors. Clark seems almost as confused as I am, but a courier interlopes into the scene to ask Lois to sign for a delivery.

The delivery, it turns out, is a big wooden crate with a fancy red bow on top. The scene shifts to Clark and Lois standing in the delivery room or loading bay or wherever the hell it is, looking at this box. It has the words "DO NOT TOSS!!!" stamped on all sides. Lois is thrilled: "Ho, ho, ho, merry Christmas to me!" The box is like, "Who you callin' a ho?" Lois grabs a crowbar and starts struggling with the crate lid. Clark offers to help her, but she turns him down with a "No," said in the tone of a "Duh!" She tells Clark about how she used to unwrap all her Christmas presents early and then wrap them up again before her parents could find out. This comes as no surprise to Clark, who even seems a little charmed by the notion. (Clark's mental note at this juncture: "Must re-watch Dick in a Box for holiday gift ideas.") Together, they finally pry the lid off. Inside, there are four naked guys who've been bound and gagged. Also in the crate are many bags of cocaine, at least one of which has burst, because these dudes are more powdery than Danish wedding cookies. Lois introduces herself then asks if they'd care to comment on their illegal activities. She rips off one guy's gag and he blurts out that he and his crate mates are all undercover cops. Clark guesses that someone must have thought they were real dealers. "Who could be responsible for such a super screw-up?" Lois wonders. By way of answer, excited voices start shouting from outside the window. Clark and Lois rush over to see what the hubbub's all about and get a gander of a building across the street. Its interior windows have been branded with a gigantic glowing S-shield. Lois is impressed and breathes out, "Now, that's what I call a scoop!" But Clark is perturbed because someone's obviously using his symbol without his permission. Somebody save his trademark!

Back from the commercial. Clark is following Lois through the offices of the Daily Planet as she vents about the Blur not calling her for weeks only to send her these cops now. "Of course, he's probably tail-spinning into the stratosphere because he doesn't have his go-to girl to keep him grounded," Lois says. Isn't tail-spinning usually done in a downward direction? Also, has Lois's voice always been like this? A couple of weeks ago, an angry goose chased my dog out of a pond with a rapid-fire litany of honks and squawks, and I swear it sounded almost exactly like this. Clark tries to defend the Blur/himself by pointing out this latest save doesn't fit his M.O. Yeah, because despite the crate's admonition, you would have tossed those guys. Lois agrees that "sugar-coating" the cops wasn't the Blur's style, but the symbol on the building was. She says, "I never thought I'd say this, but I'm beginning to lose faith in our resident hero." Weren't you impressed with him, like, a minute ago? Make up your mind, woman! Randall the editor sweeps into the office behind them and orders Lois to write a story about the Blur's "questionable tactics." Clark tries to play down the newsworthiness of the story, but the editor is determined because an organized crime boss by the name of Adrian Pope has gone free because of the Blur's blunder. Now the District Attorney is all het up about it. Clark looks sick to his stomach. Lois thinks the D.A. is just trying to cover up his own dirty connections. She tries to get out of the story, but Randall isn't having it. He shoves a piece of paper at her and scurries off to the big Habitrail where they keep all the incidental characters until they're needed. Clark tells Lois to see it as a chance to tell both sides of the story. Lois huffs, "Well, that would require a certain someone to find five minutes to give me a call." She grabs her jacket and purse and wraps a scarf around her head Babushka-style, much to Clark's confusion. "What's up with the disguise?" he wonders. She storms off to the elevator and explains she's got a top-secret interview to conduct. She blocks him from getting into the elevator with her and forbids him to follow.

The "top-secret interview" turns out to be a therapy session. Lois sits on a patchwork-covered wingchair and tells the therapist she wants their meetings to be off the record. The therapist, an earthy sort of blond woman with an English accent, tucks away her notebook. Her name is Dr. Evans, but she's such a plot device that I'm just going to rechristen her Dr. Zweig. Dr. Zweig invites Lois to tell her about the dreams she's been having. Light-hearted comedic music plays even though from what we've been shown, there's nothing light-hearted or comedic about her futuristic visions. Lois insists they seem real. She rambles and stutters a bit and finally manages to spit out that the dreams involve "lots and lots of skin." She gets dewy-eyed and sighs dreamily. Don't your dreams also involve your cousin being chased by something and then dying? I guess we're just dealing with one mental problem at a time, here. Dr. Zweig: "So it's a sex dream, with the coworker you mentioned before. Clark Kent?" Upset, Lois gets up and paces to a shelf where there are various calming things like a bonsai tree and tiny Zen garden. There's also a chubby phallic thing accompanied by two hefty balls. I feel like half my recapping job these days is to find the objets de phallus. Dr. Zweig tries to calm Lois down by telling her the dreams don't have to be taken literally. "A lack of clothing in the dream could signify a desire to uncover what's actually hidden." Lois walks back toward her chair, admitting that she does feel like Clark is hiding something from her. Teary-eyed, she says the closer she gets to him, the more she's afraid he's going to disappear. Dr. Zweig asks if this has to do with her "three weeks of blocked memory." Or maybe it has to do with her dead mother and distant father? Oh, wait, I forgot -- the show's not trying to make these characters seem like real people with actual development or a past that extends beyond the immediate plot. Dr. Zweig thinks Lois is trying to protect herself: "Didn't you say that the last time you opened up to someone -- your mysterious caller -- he vanished?" Before Lois can answer, her cell phone rings, by playing Bonnie Tyler's "I Need a Hero." A shot of Lois's cell phone shows "The Blur" as the incoming call. Way to be stealthy, Lois. She grabs the phone and pointedly rejects the call, even though not hearing from him was just what she'd been complaining about. Dr. Zweig thinks Lois still has strong feelings for the mystery caller. Lois protests overly much that he's ancient history. The good doctor suggests Lois focus on Clark instead of the caller, on whom Lois is projecting so much. Lois moves her eyes around a little in thought. It's an eerily Lana-like facial expression.

Watchtower. Clark is there, phone still in hand, not quite believing that Lois isn't picking up. He gives up in frustration. Behind him, Chloe is gathering up some papers. She says, "You freeze a girl out, she's going to give you the cold shoulder, hero or not." Clark explains he stopped calling her as the Blur in order to protect her, but now he needs her to tell the world that the Blur isn't responsible for the bad drug bust or the crime boss getting away. So... you're not protecting her anymore now that your rep is in danger? That's not douchey at all. Chloe crosses the room to her touch-screen computer, telling Clark he needs to get busy with the "spin doctor magic" because whoever's posing as the Blur is a self-promoting genius. She pulls up various pages from the 'net, showing Clark all the Facebooking and Tweeting the imposters have been doing. "He's co-opted your brand," Chloe says. Clark insists he's not a brand, but then he looks at all the web pages that have the S-shield prominently displayed. "The Blur has a blog?" [Blimey! - Zach] Clark says with dismay. Just wait till people start putting up Internet porn pretending to be you. Then you'll be all, "That's not my ball gag! Uh, I mean, I don't have a ball gag!" Chloe is amused that the boy who was once scarecrowed in high school now has 10,000 Facebook friends. I bet his Farmville is totally decked out. Clark is aghast that someone would be trying to discredit him, but Chloe thinks someone is actually trying to help him, based on the five "messy but successful saves" she's found. All the same, Clark thinks whoever it is needs to be stopped before someone gets hurt.

Metropolis, night. A limo drives through a shady-looking part of town. Inside, a man examines a tray full of loose diamonds. He tells his driver to pull over by the power station so he can get electrocuted later. Actually, he says, "These ladies and I have a date with destiny." And by "ladies" he means the diamonds. I guess. The driver starts to pull over, but out of nowhere a big mountain lion jumps onto the limo's front window. It snarls at him. Also, it's wearing a cute collar with a little silver heart charm. Diamond guy is pissed. He shouts, "Gun it!" The driver speeds up. They don't seem to think it's especially odd that a puma is trying to foil their plans. ["You'll never catch me, stupid puma!" - Z] A sheet of purple-tinged ice starts spreading on the street underneath the limo. The driver loses control and the limo crashes through a fence and into a power transformer. Or whatever the hell it is. All you need to know is it's got a lot of juice running through it. Sparks fly and the driver and diamond guy are knocked unconscious. The mountain lion jumps down off the hood of the limo and onto the street, where its eyes start glowing purple. In a halo of neon-violet light, the mountain lion morphs into Claudia from Warehouse 13. She's wearing the same collar with heart and, somehow, a purple tank and black bustier. She smiles and walks toward the sheet of ice, which is now morphing into Simon from 7th Heaven. The two of them smile triumphantly at each other, thrilled with a job well done. "Way to go aggro, J," he says to her. All right, these are the Wonder Twins, Jayna and Zan, and although they spend the rest of their screen time calling each other by their first initials, I'm gonna call them Jayna and Zan, because their way of naming each other is kind of annoying. Jayna thinks that thanks to this stunt, the cops will be off their backs after their failed "cops in a box" plan. [Step 1: Put a cop in a box. Step 2: Put some coke in that box. - Z] She pulls out her phone and prepares to take pictures of the scene to upload later. The phone, by the way, is bedecked in rhinestones in the image of Gleek. I guess actual space-monkeys were too expensive, so this is their idea of a stand-in. Zan jumps up on top of the limo to spray-paint a big, clumsy, amateurish white S on the hood, which seems like kind of a let-down after the big twenty-story dealy they rigged with the building earlier. As Zan finishes up his graffito, a piece of the power transformer falls toward the limo. He dives to the street just in time to miss the hail of sparks. The limo sizzles with electricity and the power all over the city starts blinking out. "Whoa," the Twins say in unison. The screen goes black.

Same scene, daytime. Clark and Lois are just showing up. As is her wont, Lois is complaining about how long it took them to get there without the monorail and blames it on the Blur. They walk by a throng of TV news reporters interviewing District Attorney Ray Sacks. Lois shouts, loud enough for the microphones to pick up, that she likes to call him "Sacks-o-phone" because of how much he blows his own horn. Ugh. He tells the reporters, "I'm not here because I'm running for mayor. I'm here because I think it's a travesty that this city has been brought to its knees by the Blur." Clark and Lois go to look at the limo. The clumsy S-shield is in view, as is a Metropolis Police car. The Metropolis Police symbol that's on the hood looks a lot like the S-shield, by the way. Why has no one in the show brought that up? I mean, the juxtaposition of the two symbols seems sort of pointed, here. Clark thinks there's more to the story than people know. He asks Lois if the Blur has tried to call her to explain himself. "He called, but I didn't pick up," she says with a lift of her chin. And up starts the comical music once more. She wonders why Clark is suddenly defending the Blur. "He just doesn't deserve the silent treatment just because he's been out there saving people," he says defensively. She dismisses his sympathy for the Blur as a guy thing, then goes off to talk to a potential witness. At this point, Clark hears the sound of a monkey laughing. He follows the sound to Jayna's Gleek phone. The laughter is the ringtone, but they don't show who's calling.

We cut to the Twins' apartment. They've painted a big S-shield on one wall (they're never getting their deposit back now) and surrounded it with lava lamps and flowers. Zan stares mournfully at the Wall O' Worship and sighs, "I totally tanked this one." Jayna, coming into the room, says at least he didn't lose his phone. Zan thinks maybe they're not cut out to be heroes. A monkey starts laughing in his pants, as if to agree with him. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out his own Gleek phone. He's upset to see Jayna's number on the caller ID. They panic, fearing that someone is on to them, and decide it's time to leave. "Powers activate," they say together and pull back their right arms to bump fists. Just then, Clark shows up in his Emo Blur outfit to jam his hand between their fists. There's an explosion of neon violet light that throws them both backward. They fly into opposite walls and then fall, unconscious, to the floor. Clark stands over them and looks serious, like, "Is this what fandom hath wrought?" [How the hell did he know to block the fist-bump? Or does he just disapprove of fist-bumps in general? - Z]

Watchtower. A computer monitor shows that the place is running on auxiliary power. Jayna and Zan, lying on the floor, are just coming to with a start. They stand up and look around at their new surroundings with wonder. Zan figures the Blur must have brought them there. "This is the Blur's lair," Zan says. Jayna insists the Blur doesn't have a lair, as if she or anyone would know. Zan is so excited that he reaches for his phone and gets to Tweeting. "That's not gonna happen," Chloe's voice says off-screen. The Twins look up and see her silhouetted against one of the Watchtower's circular stained glass windows. Techno-orchestra music plays. "Welcome to Watchtower," she says. She steps toward them and goes on: "If you chat one word about what you see in here, I will vaporize your Twitter accounts, Facebook pages, and every trace of your virtual existence will be obliterated." The Twins are impressed and a little scared, and agree to keep silent. The Twins argue a bit about whether Chloe is the Blur's sidekick. She tells them she's just keeping an eye on them for him. They gush about wanting to help the Blur and "fuel his legend." Chloe gently lectures them about having the right idea but going about it the wrong way. "You are singlehandedly destroying what the Blur stands for," she says. Jayna and Zan look chagrinned. Zan wants to know how to make up for their mistakes. Chloe tells them, "You just wait for the right moment. You'll know." "How do you always know the right thing to do?" Jayna asks. "You don't," Chloe says, "and neither does he." She tells them that if they stick around a hero long enough, they'll get their chance to save him. "Sometimes even from himself," she says. She doesn't add, "Because sometimes he is a doofus who cannot think his way out of a wet paper bag." So I'm adding it for her.

Daily Planet. Lois is typing on an ancient manual typewriter, surrounded by candles. She's wearing a glow-stick necklace like she thinks she's at a rave. She makes a typo and yanks the paper out. Luckily, the power comes back on at that moment so we don't have to struggle through Lois pecking her way through another sheet. She pets her computer monitor. "I will never take you for granted again, I swear." Sure, you say that now, but let's see if you remember to send it flowers on Valentine's Day. Bonnie Tyler lets her know the Blur is calling her again. She answers without a greeting: "I suppose you were the one who gave us that little reboot." Clark, standing atop some roof somewhere as is his custom, tells her it was the least he could do. His voice, like usual, is distorted by a piece of tech on his phone. Lois is still perturbed about all his "bonehead moves" as of late. He explains that those were the result of some fans of his who were just trying to help. He also tells her he's not turning them over to Sacks. Lois doesn't think anyone will buy the misguided fans angle without evidence: "You're risking a lot to protect some feckless meteor freaks." He says he thinks everyone deserves a second chance, which launches Lois into another angry goose rant about him not treating her, a woman, with respect.

Thankfully, the action switches back to the Watchtower before Lois can work up too much of a crazed honking. Chloe is chatting with the Twins. They tell her that for a long time, all they had was each other. In a nod to the Wonder Twins' comics background, Zan adds, "Nobody really bought us as transfer students from Sweden." Chloe notices him messing around with one of her computers and rushes over to stop him. Of course, it's the computer that's tapping into Clark's cell phone and Zan has fiddled with something that's about to have dire consequences. Back at the Daily Planet, Lois is still on the phone with the Blur, griping at him about not calling her more often. Blah, blah, honk, honk. The Blur tells her she's just going to have to trust him. Unbeknownst to him, he phone tech cuts out on his last words, allowing Lois to hear his real voice. She looks shocked. "Smallville?" she asks, but he's already hung up.

Kent Farmhouse. Clark is enjoying a cup of coffee, listening to the morning news about how the Blur restored power to the city the night before. He goes to the front door to fetch the paper, but opens the door to find Lois has beat him to it. He's surprised to see her. Comedic music plays. She points out her front-page story about the Blur and says, "I think he'd be pretty happy that I included his side of the story." Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. He looks at her like she's sprouted another head. She blurts out that they should carpool to work, so that they can get to know each other better. "You tell me the color of your underwear everyday," he says. "What else is there to know?" I have a feeling this is supposed to remind us of that scene in Superman: The Movie when Lois challenges Superman to tell her what color undies she's wearing, but she was testing his X-ray powers. How in the hell would something like that even come up in daily conversation? There's a long, awkward pause and then Lois apologizes for bashing the Blur: "Deep down, I never doubted him." "I'm sure he'd be happy to know your faith in the Blur never waivered," Clark says. I bet he can't wait to tell his sock puppet about this! Lois presses a little further, saying the Blur never did explain why he didn't call her back. She takes a step toward Clark, giving him an opening to confess to her, but he thinks she's just whackadoodle. "Lois, what's going on?" he asks. She slowly starts to tell him about how clearly she sees things now, but the lady on the morning news is talking about Sacks. Clark turns toward the TV, leaving Lois to stare blankly into space. Someone really needs to get her a good lipliner, because her lipstick is just everywhere. It's like she took makeup lessons from the Joker. Sacks is talking to a bunch of newspeople, challenging the Blur to come forward and work with the police instead of being a vigilante. He announces a press conference he plans for later that afternoon, where he hopes the Blur will show himself and take responsibility for his actions. Clark turns to Lois: "Big news day -- I'll have to take a rain check on the carpooling." Lois, wide-eyed, just nods up at him.

Lois barges into her therapist's office. She stops when she sees a small, mousy woman sitting in the wingback chair. She's sort of hunched over, hugging herself with one arm, resting her mouth against her other hand. In other words, she looks fairly distraught. She looks up in surprise when Lois comes in. Lois, displaying all the good manners and sensitivity of a crap-flinging chimpanzee, says to this poor mouse of a woman: "I'm going to save you a lot of time and money, OK?" She crosses the room to crouch down in front of this woman, and flings a particularly foul blob of chimp crap: "It's all your parents' fault." The woman promptly bursts into tears and, clutching her stomach, bolts from the room. The worst part is, I'm pretty sure this is supposed to make us think Lois is charmingly brash. Dr. Zweig comes in a moment later, wondering where her patient is. "She had to take off -- family issues," Lois says. The lighthearted music underscores how cute this is supposed to be, but I feel like I'm chest-deep in primate poop. Lois berates the doctor because somehow it's her fault that Lois found out that her "mystery caller" and Clark are the same person. What's ruder and less logical than a chimp? I'm coming up blank. She goes on a bit about Clark holding down an alter ego, which I won't transcribe because I'd have to listen to her screeching voice too many times. Zweig calmly suggests Lois consider that she's trying to make Clark and her mystery man into the same person, in order to create her "dream man." Lois moves her eyes around for a while, then allows as to how the two are both brave and selfless. She finally stops bitching long enough realize how hard it must have been for Clark, keeping these secrets. "I just want to tell him it doesn't matter," she says. She knows he's got a big decision to make, and she wants to help but, but isn't sure how. She tears up, then smiles as an idea comes to her, which is almost never a good thing. "I know what I have to do!" She hugs the befuddled doctor and thanks her before scampering out of the office to execute whatever cockamamie plan she's got in mind.

Streets of Metropolis. Chloe meets up with Clark to let him know that the Twins are back at the tower, taking down all the Blur's blogs. I've just noticed she's wearing green again, this time in the form of a leather jacket. Maybe Oliver's tailor made it for her. For his part, Clark is wearing Supermanly colors in the form of a bright blue shirt and deep red tie. Clark asks Chloe if she's seen the day's news. Chloe tells him not to take Sacks seriously, then realizes from Clark's knitted brow that's exactly what he's doing. She reminds him of the last time he went public and what a disaster it was. He says he's changed: "I'm wearing my father's shield now." He explains he's worked hard to give people something to believe in. "I am the shield," he says. She talks him down, arguing that he has to let Sacks say crap about him, because if he sacrifices himself then there is no shield. "Your father lives on through you, not your shield." He looks like he's considering her words. They're trying to cram a Superman-shaped object into a Batman-shaped hole here, and it's about as a bad a fit as it sounds. A ladybug perched on a nearby parking meter eavesdrops on their conversation, then flits off.

Clark arrives at the press conference. About two hundred Canadian extras crowd the street. Sacks takes the podium and pours on the smarm, inviting the Blur to come forward and be a true hero. Dylan Neal is really very good in this role and I wish they had groomed the character to be a recurring part of the background cast instead of writing him as a one-off plot device. Clark looks like he's seriously considering stepping forward, but then Lois appears in the crowd and starts pushing her way up to the podium. A guard makes a weak attempt at stopping her, but Sacks tells him to let her up. She plants herself in front of the stand of microphones and announces to the world that she knows the Blur. Clark glances around nervously. I think this would be a good time to surreptitiously shoot fire out of your eyes and set something ablaze to distract the crowd. No? All right, let your girlfriend keep digging herself in deeper, then. She tells everyone why the Blur can't come forward: "It's because he knows the best way for him to protect you and me is to steer clear of all this political hoopla, and remain the one thing you and I need most... a light in the darkness. A symbol for us to believe in, when all other hope is lost." People in the crowd nod their agreement. Clark goes from looking worried to looking proud. She asks them to let the Blur be the hero he needs to be. The crowd cheers. Sacks looks worried. Somewhere in there, I started thinking that Lois reminds me of Sarah Palin. I think the phrase "political hoopla" triggered the association for me.

Daily Planet. Lois walks into the office to find a single red rose waiting on her desk. The accompanying note reads, "Thank you. Meet me on the roof." Lois takes a deep breath and gets stars in her eyes. Soaring, romantic music plays as she walks through the rooftop door, but the man waiting for her is Ray Sacks. She drops her rose. (She's wearing awesome fuchsia pumps that I covet, by the way.) The music darkens. Sacks tells her he had no idea how close a relationship she had with the Blur until the press conference. "Now, tell me the true identity of the Blur and I'll overlook your annoying antics." Lois, instead of backing into the stairwell from which she just exited, starts walking toward Sacks -- and the ledge -- and accuses him of shady dealings with organized crime. "I've picked out a nice little font for my exposé," she tells him. Isn't that sort of thing set by the newspaper and not the journalist? Her idea of a headline is "Shady Sacks Sucks the City Dry," and he counters with his own: "The Blur Murders Lois Lane." He shows her the giant white S-shield that's painted on the roof underneath their feet. Lois, nervous, thinks no one would believe it, but Sacks reminds her that she just announced to the world that she's the only one who knows who he is. I'd buy that as a logical reason to off someone, but he wouldn't admit to it by putting his brand on the roof. Shoddy, Sacks, very shoddy. At this point, Lois finally bolts back to the door, but two goons are waiting for her. They grab her and pitch her off the roof. Sacks and his goons, satisfied with a job well done, leave the roof. Too bad they didn't take half a second to glance over the ledge, because they would have seen Lois hanging on to a conveniently placed flagpole.

Meanwhile, Clark is just walking into the office downstairs, all smiles in anticipation of seeing Lois. His smile fades when he notices everyone's rushing up the stairs in a panic. One of his coworkers shouts, "Clark, you gotta see this, and grab a camera!" ["Because our photographer is dead! Dead, dead, dead, thanks to you!" - Z] He runs out to the street and sees Lois hanging from the flagpole some 20 or 30 stories up. He superzips up to the roof. She's well beyond his reach, but there's a crowd beneath them equipped with cameras, watching their every move. He climbs down to the decorative ledge one floor down. He holds out his hand, but she's still too far away. At this point, I notice he's not wearing his tie anymore, for no reason other than to keep him from using it as a rope to pull her up. He stretches an arm out toward her and she tries to reach him, but still can't. I think he should take off his pants and have her climb up them, don't you? Their fingertips touch before Lois loses her balance and swings away from him with a gasp. Now she's holding onto the flagpole with just one hand. One of her pretty shoes falls to the street below.

The aforementioned ladybug is winging its way to the Watchtower, where it flits inside and morphs into Jayna. (The morphing happens off-screen, but we see the telltale flash of neon violet light.) She fills Zan in on the latest: "The Blur's in even deeper, and it's all our fault!" It's a little bit his and Lois's fault, too, really. Zan wants to rush out to help him, but Jayna reminds him that they promised Chloe they'd lay low. Zan reminds her that Chloe said sometimes you have a save a hero from himself. Jayna sighs. Zan: "Dad used to always say we're stronger when we stick together." Slowly, Jayna smiles. They fist-bump with a unified, "Powers activate!" The light flashes around their hands, but we don't see what they morph into just yet.

Hanging out at the Daily Planet. For a guy who was ready to come forward to save his reputation, Clark is dithering an awful lot about blatantly using his powers to save Lois. He tells her to hold on, but she's determined to sacrifice herself and tells him to let her go. He tells her that's insane. "You can't reveal yourself to the cameras," she tells him. "You mean too much to the city... to the world." She tells him she knows about him living two lives and having to lie to her. He keeps lying to her by telling her she's not making sense. Just then, a dense, purple-tinged fog fills the street below. Clark, realizing somehow that the fog is there to help him, tells Lois everything's going to be OK. "I've always known deep down you were a hero," she says, and loses her grip on the pole. She falls in slow-motion, down and down through the fog. Clark superzips away. The next shot is of Lois being lowered gently to the street. Why didn't they show Clark being the one to lower her? She wouldn't have been able to see his face clearly, thus preserving the mystery for her, while allowing us to realize he saved her. As it is, it looks like Zan cushioned her fall with his fogginess. There's even a windy sort of sound, different from Clark's usual super-whooshing, but according to forum posters, the director says Clark was the hero. Lois gets to her feet, looking all around her in wonder. Behind her, a limo pulls up and Sacks hops inside with a nervous glance over his shoulder. Inside the limo, Jayna's waiting for him in the form of a snarling Rottweiler, which begs two questions: Does she bite his face off? How did she even know he was responsible for trying to kill Lois? Her ladybug self started for the Watchtower long before that. [Before Lois was even in trouble, in fact! - Z] The Rottweiler lunges for Sacks.

Foggy street. Clark finds Lois in the crowd. She hugs him and breathes, "Thank you." There's a long pause where he wrestles internally with himself, and kudos to Tom Welling here, because all too often I can't tell what in the hell Clark is supposed to be thinking or feeling. But his reaction is well done here. He tells her he's not the one who rescued her. "I'm not that fast -- I took the elevator." She frowns at him. Just then, a phone rings in a nearby phone booth. "Even after all this, you still can't tell me," she says. Sad guitar music plays. Lois turns her attention to the phone and answers it, for some reason. Much to her confusion, the Blur's mechanically disguised voice greets her. "Next time you take on the D.A. of Metropolis, watch your step. Hope I made up for not calling." Clark, who's been in the background the whole time, asks her who was on the phone. He frowns when she tells him it was the Blur. I bet he's like, "Damn, how'd my Blur sock puppet get hold of my phone?"

Jayna and Zan's apartment. The Twins congratulate each other. Jayna cheers, "The D.A. is TKO!" Yeah, I'm thinking she totally bit his face off. (And thanks to the forum peeps who helped me figure out what she was saying there.) They fall back on their couch, ecstatic. "The Blur's back on top," Zan sighs happily. There's a familiar whoosh and then a shadow falls across them. "I have you to thank for that," Clark says. The Twins look up and see him in silhouette, his face obscured in shadows. They sit up, the awe etched (I must admit) rather adorably on their faces. Clark tells him he put his shield out there to inspire people to be their own heroes, and that's what they did. "We believe in you, Master B!" Jayna says. Girl, I'm just starting to warm up to you. Don't ruin it now. He tells him to believe in the shield, not him. He steps into the light so they can see his face. "Most importantly, believe in yourselves." The Twins just about plotz. [Of course, Jayna already knows what he looks like, since she saw him talking to Chloe earlier. - Z] He gently tells them they just need to be more careful. "People need you to make life and death decisions every day, and there's no room for mistakes." Dude, if the heroes on this show didn't make mistakes, the episodes would be 14 minutes long. He superzips away, leaving the Twins to revel in their happiness.

Dr. Zweig's office. Ugh. This again? Zweig tells Lois that she saw the news. "I never would have guessed that your mystery caller was none other than the Blur." I hope the good doctor turns out to be evil now that she's put two and two together. Lois, in a nice suit and very Palin-esque updo, says she can't believe she was so stupid. "I must have been crazy to look at Clark through Blur-colored glasses!" Zweig thinks it was natural for Lois to project the qualities of the "unobtainable men" she usually falls for onto someone closer to her. Lois wishes they were the same person, because it would be easier. Tearing up, she says, "When I heard the Blur's voice, something stirred inside of me, but my thoughts keep going back to Clark." She laughs a little in wonder. "That scared guy, who stepped onto the ledge to save me." Please let this be the last therapy session. Please?

Watchtower. Clark walks in and Chloe greets him with a coffee mug that's been emblazoned with the S-shield. It comes from the street vendor, she says, who also sells T-shirts and key chains. Clark looks taken aback. You should have trademarked that symbol, Clark. You'd be rolling in dough from the licensing fees. Clark thinks it won't be long before the "Wonder Twins" (and that's the only time in the episode they're called this, or twins, at all) will be a household name. Chloe thinks that, with a little training, they'll be able to give him backup in the Halls of Justice. "I guess I had more backup than I thought," he says, with a smile and a nod toward Chloe. Speaking of which, how did she manage to impersonate the Blur? (I guess he automatically knew it was Chloe instead of Oliver, because Oliver's not in this episode.) She taps a few keys at her computer and a Blur-like voice says, "Pay no attention to the blond behind the curtain." Clark looks suddenly uncomfortable. She tells him to relax: "It's not like I'm the great and powerful Oz." It's just a computer program that allows her to type out things for a fake Blur to say. This doesn't comfort Clark, who wonders how she managed to know when to call Lois and what to say. With a measure of pride, she tells him she's been monitoring camera and cell phone communications. He realizes this means she's been eavesdropping on his calls to Lois. He calls her out on the Big Brother move. I should probably be indignant on his behalf, but it's so painfully contrived that I'm having a hard time working up much more than a, "Meh." She reminds him that the move got Lois off his trail. He frowns a bit and sighs, but doesn't press the issue any more than that.

Daily Planet, copy room. Clark has Lois sit down and close her eyes. "This isn't what I had in mind when you said you wanted to meet in the copy room," she says. He admits that she was right that he was keeping a secret from her. He turns his back for a moment, then turns around to show her that he's wearing glasses. I think they were forged from melted anvils. His big confession: "I'm a bit near-sighted." Too late to be using the glasses-as-disguise ploy, show. She goes up to him and tries the glasses on herself, completing my Palin association. "They're very...Clark Kent," she says, taking them off again. She admits Clark isn't the only one who's been shortsighted lately, as she's been seeing a different side of him. He tries to interrupt her, but she cuts him off: "It's OK, it's my hero complex to resolve." She says she tried to weigh him down with shining armor, which isn't fair, because nobody can be two different people. Knowing that she has this hero complex, you'd think Clark would realize he can't really date her while lying to her, but instead of looking mopey he seems quite pleased. "It means a lot that you thought I had it in me," he says. Soaring string music plays. She tries to get out of this tender moment by jokingly calling him four-eyes, and even goes so far as to start out of the room. But after a few moments' hesitation, she sighs and slides a stack of newspapers over toward him with her foot. To Clark's surprise, she steps up onto the stack and plants a kiss on him. He's just starting to get into things when Lois suddenly starts twitching and convulsing. [Then he really gets into things! - Z] She pulls away from him. She has one of her future visions: There's an image of Clark bathed in red light, Lois standing underneath a red sun, a sort of work camp prison type thing that bears the same symbol as the Kandorian orb, nookie with Clark, Clark in a cage, an injured and bloody Clark being dragged along the ground, and Chloe lying seemingly dead in the street while a fire rages behind her. Back in the present, Lois is passing out in Clark's arms as he frantically calls her name. Must've been one helluva kiss.

Grade: You know, it wasn't horrible, exactly, but it relied too much on plot contrivances and didn't let the characters act like actual people. Plus, there was way too much therapy and not enough Wonder Twins, which, considering how annoying I generally find them, comes as a surprise to me to admit. Call it a C+ -- a tiny, tiny bit better than average.

Discuss this episode in our forums, then see what other superbeings have crossed Clark in our guide to the Heroes and Villains of Smallville!

Tippi Blevins sometimes feels like she needs therapy after one of these episodes, but finds a glass of wine to be cheaper and tastier. You can reach her at b_tippi@yahoo.com.

Back in the shelter, the women (lead by Laura) bask in the glow of victory. Yes, what an accomplishment! You fractured your own tribe. Awesome. Ah, but Laura is also happy that they flushed out Li'l Russell's immunity idol. She interviews that playing the idol was "the dumbest move" on his part and isn't it nice to see someone calling Li'l Russell an idiot in an interview instead of the other way around? "Russell is gonna be gone next," she promises us.

The next morning, Natalie happens upon a cute little mouse-rat-thing that the producers drugged so it wouldn't run away when Natalie came crashing through its forest home. She lets loose about a million oh my goshes while trying to decide what she should use to kill it. Wow, she didn't even question it. There was no discussion as to whether or not she SHOULD kill the mouse-rat for food. Just HOW. That's kind of cool. She picks up a convenient nearby stick and hovers over the mouse-rat, which still does not move. Um, really? Is that mouse-rat really the one you want to eat? Because if it's not even trying to run away then it's probably sick. You don't want to eat sick rat. Or maybe it's fine but stuck on the glue trap the producers stuck it on because they think hot blonde girls killin' stuff will be a ratings bonanza. Finally, Natalie brings the stick down and kills the mouse-rat with many an "oh my Lord," drops it into a hollowed-out coconut, and brings it back to camp with "I killed something, y'all!" While Mick and Jaison don't even bother to sit up, Laura has the perfect reaction: "What? Ew." Natalie runs off to Li'l Russell in the hopes of praise. Random Brett is quick to congratulate her, but that's only because if he pretends he's looking down at the dead thing in the coconut, he can totally stare at her boobs. Jaison interviews that Natalie has really grown and changed during this game, having entered it as a shy and demure Southern belle. "She wasn't a Shambo," he says. And she still isn't. Can you imagine what would have happened if Shambo had been the one to find the mouse-rat? I'm sure it would have ended with her accidentally burning the camp down and the mouse-rat going on to live a long and healthy life. Random Brett cooks the mouse-rat and it is split up amongst everyone, giving them all about a grasshopper's worth of protein each. That was worth it.

Mick and Li'l Russell fetch the treemail. While Mick focuses on the task at hand, Li'l Russell takes the opportunity to look around for the idol. Mick just laughs that off because obviously no one on this show except for Li'l Russell has any idea how this game is played. They return to camp with no idol but with a treemail that quotes Monty Python and thus can go fuck itself. It's for the reward challenge, and it promises a feast for the winner. But surely they're all full from that mouse-rat?

Aiga arrive at the challenge. Probst explains that they'll be "randomly" divided into two teams of five. Four members of the team will race out, two at a time, to fetch five poles with black and white coconuts on them that will then be arranged on a board so that the white coconuts spell out a four-digit number. Once they have that number, they must tell it to their fifth teammate, who is blindfolded and standing in front of a large bicycle lock-style dial. She will have to feel out the four matching numbers on the dial to unlock it and win the prize. And just what will they win? A trip to a naturally-formed rock waterslide that the contestants don't care about half as much as the picnic lunch of fried chicken and brownies. With that, the teams are "randomly" chosen off-camera. Because there are 11 players left in the game, Natalie is not on either team. Probst explains that she gets to choose a team to root for in this challenge. If that team wins, she gets to enjoy the reward with them. If they lose, so does she. I have a feeling this challenge was supposed to happen at a point in the show when there was an even number of players, but thanks to various injuries, that didn't happen so they had to come up with this. Natalie has to choose between a team of three Foa Foas, Random Brett, and Laura, or five Galus. On one hand, Laura is awesome at this stuff and whichever team she's on should do well. On the other, Foa Foa sucks out loud at challenges and all three of them are on one team, so it's sure to fail despite the presence of Laura. And yet, on a third hand, Shambo is on the all-Galu team and she's pretty awful, too, so Galu could lose after all. This is a tough choice indeed for Natalie. As it is, she was probably hoping to be sent off to Exile Island or something to get an immunity idol. In the end, she sides with her fellow Foa Foa losers.

Probst says go and there is much running and pole-fetching. Dave Ball has been paired up with Shambo, and makes sure she has no part of the challenge. It's pretty close throughout the first part, although the Foa Foa team has a slight advantage because they have four men while the Galus have two women. And yet, Probst delights in calling out "Shambo really slowing purple down!" as if she's supposed to sprint as fast as a man ten years younger than her. Come on. "That gives yellow a lot of advantage," he says. Then I guess you should make sure the teams have an even number of men and women on them next time, hmm?

The Foa Foa team is back with their poles first, but Galu isn't too far behind. We have an obligatory shot of Shambo dropping one of the poles. What did she do to make the editors hate her so much? Not be a hot girl they could ogle all day long? That's not her fault. Both teams struggle with their poles, coming close to forming the four numbers only to have one white coconut in the wrong place. At one point, Foa Foa's display looks like what my alarm clock read the time I accidentally spilled water on it. Over on Galu, Dave Ball appears to be the one who figures out the right way to align the coconuts, and they come up with the number 4673. He calls out to blindfolded Monica to put that into the combination lock and she gets to work. Foa Foa, meanwhile, has the number 95ךּ♫. And then, suddenly, they have 7346. Basically, they have the same number as Galu but in a slightly different order. Which means that even though they said there would be no cheating, it would have been pretty easy for Foa Foa to look at what Galu had and figure out that their number was similar. Laura gets to work on her combination lock. But Monica gets the numbers lined up first -- or so she thinks. Because when she tries to release the lock, it doesn't give. She switches one number and gets it. Galu cheer for fried chicken. The other six are sent back to camp. Where they've got two live chickens and one member who has proven herself capable of killing animals, right? I'm just saying.

Happy reward music plays us to the rock water slide, which looks pretty high up and terrifying to me, actually. But John slides down without hesitation. Even though the pool he falls into doesn't look very deep. "The rock slides are killer!" he interviews. Kelly, on the other hand, isn't such a fan, standing well back and calling out to everyone to be careful. Monica goes down one, though, so she kind of has to follow suit. "I'm like so terrified of waterslides!" she says. Here's a tip, Kelly: don't go on The Amazing Race. She does end up sliding down, as does everyone except Shambo, who is not shown having fun with her team because the editors only want her on screen when she's doing something doofy. Then it's time to enjoy the fried chicken, sandwiches, brownies, and "redonkulous" (as Monica describes them) donuts. And there, in the fruit basket, is a scroll! It basically says there's another immunity idol hidden at camp, but not where. Dave Ball says they should tell Random Brett and Laura about this but not anyone from Foa Foa, just to make their triumph over the tribe that much easier. John says he's "comfortable" with the plan to knock off the Foa Foa members one by one, even though last week he said that was "junior varsity" Survivor.

While the others swim and frolic, Kelly, Monica, and Shambo talk about which Foa Foa member to take out next. Kelly is all for Li'l Russell going, but Shambo says no because "he sucks at challenges," despite the fact that all the evidence has pointed to the contrary. Kelly now thinks that Shambo is protecting Li'l Russell, although I don't know if you can call such a transparent attempt "protection." If anything, it made Li'l Russell more of a target since Shambo so clearly wants him to stick around as long as possible. "He needs to go," Kelly interviews. Monica stresses the importance of not telling anyone from Foa Foa about the clue, especially since Li'l Russell was able to find one without a clue. Which means he doesn't need a clue to find an idol, right? And he's back at camp with three of his tribemates and only two Galus to keep an eye on him, one of whom is invisible? But they're too busy worrying that Shambo could join Foa Foa to pay that any mind.

Back at Aiga, Li'l Russell searches for the idol. He says if he finds it this time, he won't tell anyone. He said that last time, though, and then he told everyone. He searches and searches around landmarks, figuring the idol must be hidden near one. "There cannot be any other place," he says. Why not? Used to be in this game, they buried the idol in totally random spots that were like twenty paces away from a tall tree. But now they're lazy, so they just stuck it under the swamp bridge, where Li'l Russell totally finds it. UGH. Fuck you, idol hiding crew. No one should be able to find it without a clue. Especially not TWICE. Of course, Li'l Russell runs right to the nearest camera to interview about how awesome he is. "This might be worth one meel-yon dollars," he says. Dude, if you're going to tell us that you're a millionaire you should at least act like you've been there before. He says he may have missed out on fried chicken and brownies, but it was worth it for the immunity idol. Fuck that. Fried chicken and brownies sound delicious. Also, I have to say that if they hadn't shoved this guy down our throats from the very beginning and let him sit in the background sometimes or cut back on the 1,456 interviews he got every episode, there's a good chance I would have liked Li'l Russell. He's not even playing against the other contestants -- he's playing against the producers and exploiting their laziness and predictability. Every time he finds a "hidden" idol without a clue it's a welcome "TRY HARDER" sign for everyone associated with this show, who have been resting on their laurels for several seasons now.

The reward winners return to camp and Shambo and Li'l Russell go off together immediately. Just in case you forgot over the commercial break, Li'l Russell ONCE AGAIN tells us that he found the immunity idol all by himself. And also once again he can't keep it to himself so he shows it to Shambo to try to win her complete trust. "Dude, you d -- you are shitting me," Shambo says. She gives Li'l Russell a kiss, and I have to say if given the choice between fried chicken and brownies or the immunity idol and a kiss from Shambo (who bathes infrequently and when she does bathe, it's in the swamp), I'd take the food. Shambo says the idol might as well be a sword to chop off Laura's head. Shambo interviews that she's had an alliance with Foa Foa since she went to the camp the first time and she trusts Li'l Russell "impeccably," which is like implicitly but not. Meanwhile, she tried to vote Jaison out last night, so how is that an alliance? Li'l Russell wants Shambo to make sure that Galu votes for him at Tribal Council and she says that's easy since they're already planning to get rid of him ASAP. Ha, watch her now go back to Galu and clumsily talk about how Li'l Russell needs to go and make them all suspicious. Shambo is "so excited" about this plan. But it's not 100% for sure yet -- Laura could still win immunity.

Immunity Challenge! Probst takes the immunity necklaces back, with John cockily saying he's sure he'll be getting it back soon. It turns out that there will only be one immunity necklace this week, and of course they're using the one with the pointy things on it. Probst explains the challenge: everyone has a grappling hook he must use to retrieve two bags with puzzle pieces in them. The first three to get both bags advance to the final, where they'll shove their puzzle piece peg thing into a board (it looks like a vertical version of Perfection) with a peg-shaped hole in it. Then another piece will drop down and so on until all the holes have been filled by pegs. That's pretty cool, actually.

Probst calls go, and the grappling hooks are tossed. Of course, Probst compliments Li'l Russell's toss even though it didn't get him a bag. Amazingly, Shambo is the first person to get a bag, followed by Mick and then Kelly. Dave Ball, meanwhile, could not be worse at throwing his hook. Mick gets his second bag, becoming the first person in the final round. He will not win, of course, because he is from Foa Foa. Jaison and Natalie get their first bags, and then Laura is on the board as well. The second person to make it to the finals is Shambo. Somehow. Li'l Russell manages to snag his second bag and smirks as he slowly reels it in for the third place in the finals. BUT WAIT! Laura just snagged her second bag too, and she is going to reel it in with a quickness. Li'l Russell tries to hurry up to beat her, but his haste causes him to lose the bag while Laura gets hers. HA HA HA! She gets the last spot in the final round. Laura is amazing. And she is so going to win this -- she's up against Shambo, who will probably lose both of her pegs before the round even starts, and Mick, who is destined to fail.

Probst calls go, and the finalists get to work opening their bags. Probst says that one of the pegs will fit in a hole in the board and the other will not. That means luck will play a part in this, too. Which is why Mick will lose. Mick and then Shambo get their bags open and make their way to the board. Laura is still struggling with her bag. Uh oh. Shambo gets the peg in first and is on her way. Mick soon follows. Laura finally gets her pegs out of the bags, but takes forever trying to find the correct hole. She eventually does, but Shambo and Mick are well ahead. Oh, but then Shambo and Mick slow down while Laura gets peg after peg. Go Laura! Li'l Russell is not pleased, but this is his own fault for smirking instead of being a finalist. Meanwhile, Shambo is trying to fit, like, an arrow-shaped peg in a plus sign-shaped hole. And then... Laura does it! She wins immunity! The other two weren't even close. Probst puts the immunity necklace on her while Shambo is so pissed. On the way out, Laura says Li'l Russell will be going home tonight.

The tribe returns to camp. Shambo straddles a hammock and then whines about how Laura won immunity and her heart is broken. But that just means that Kelly is going home next, since she's more of a threat than Monica, strength and friendship wise. Um... how about voting out one of the Galu men? Why is that not an option? Oh, I guess because they want to eliminate a member of Laura's inner circle. Way to be useless enough to stay in there for another round, Monica.

Back at camp, Li'l Russell and Jaison head out to the woods, where Li'l Russell tells Jaison about his immunity idol. Jaison seems kind of jealous, but where was he when Li'l Russell was looking around for the idol? Back at camp hiding in the shelter, most likely. Li'l Russell says the plan is to vote for Kelly and he'll play the idol and she'll be gone. Jaison seems to agree. He interviews that it's in his own best interests to keep this a secret from Galu, since if they know that Li'l Russell has the idol, they'll simply target someone else on Foa Foa -- and there's a 33% chance it would be him. So he goes to the shelter and tells Mick and Natalie about the plan. Li'l Russell stops by and says the same thing. Alone, Mick and Jaison talk about how much they like Li'l Russell. Mick says he had no idea there would even be a second immunity idol, let alone where it was hidden. Um, Mick sucks. Does he do anything? [Hmm... he was "chief" of Foa Foa... back before they gave up on that stupid twist - Angel]

Galu meet up and go over their plan of Foa Foa elimination action. They want Li'l Russell gone first, then Natalie, Mick, and finally Jaison. Jaison is less of a threat to them than Natalie. That is sad. But then! Monica brings up the possibility that someone on Foa Foa may have found the idol, and when they try to vote for Li'l Russell, he'll use it and take out someone on Galu. Dave Ball shuts her down, saying they can't worry about that right now and Foa Foa doesn't even know there's an idol to find. John says if he were on Foa Foa, he'd be looking everywhere for the idol. Unlike as a member of Galu, in which case he has apparently done no looking at all for the idol. He says Li'l Russell found his first idol without a clue -- why wouldn't he find a second one the same way? But still, Dave Ball doesn't think there's a chance that Li'l Russell has another idol. He does, however, say that they could vote for Natalie tonight instead of Li'l Russell if they want. And Li'l Russell just happens to be walking by them and overhears, so now he thinks it'll be Natalie tonight and doesn't know whether he should play and potentially waste another idol tonight, or keep it and risk pulling an Erik.

Back at the Galu secret meeting, Dave Ball says that when they're finished with Foa Foa, they'll celebrate with some roasted chicken. Everyone agrees to this pretty quickly. Laura interviews that Galu is at least six members strong, so they'll be just fine tonight.

Tribal Council! Probst is looking especially stern as the contestants enter. I didn't think he was capable of making facial expressions anymore with all that botox. Good for him. He brings Erik in to sit on the jury, and Erik's expression is even angrier than Probst's. He holds up a necklace he's wearing with what is apparently a significant charm on it. It looks like a purple candy corn. So either he's angrily celebrating Halloween or he feels like the purple Galu team should've done a better job of sticking together. Even though he was the one who wanted to get rid of Laura and Monica. Who were on Galu. And yet, he's so angry that someone beat him at his own game that he didn't even bother to shave or clean up at the Losers Lodge. Probst asks Dave Ball if Erik's ouster means that they are no longer playing as tribe against tribe, but as individuals. Dave Ball says if anything, Galu is even stronger because Erik was weakening their tribe from within and now he's out and they still have the majority over Foa Foa. Well, you just lost a juror vote, Dave Ball. Nice job. Erik is cartoonishly livid on the jury bench, shaking his fist in Dave Ball's general direction. Shambo just shakes her head sadly. Guess who's getting Erik's vote now?

Probst asks Kelly how she felt about the tribe. Does anyone care what she thinks? I don't even know who she is. Every time she pops up (like once every three episodes) I start laughing because I think the editors accidentally left in a shot of a crew member. Kelly says she was happy to eliminate the "snake" in the group who was starting trouble as Laura nods smugly. They have also lost Erik's jury vote. Probst asks Natalie what it's like around camp knowing that she's on a tribe that isn't exactly welcome there. She says everyone is nice to her face, which Probst refuses to believe because he likes stirring shit up. She acknowledges that it's seven against four at camp so Probst will leave her alone and switch to Jaison, asking him what he thinks it means that Galu was willing to get rid of one of their own before a member of Foa Foa. I think it means they're stupid. Jaison just says he's not sure, since the Galu people are staying pretty quiet about everything while Foa Foa continues to look for cracks, hoping to find "another Erik."

Probst turns to Shambo and asks her for the "state of the game" in her opinion. I can't wait to hear this one. Shambo has no clue what's going on ever. She voted for Jaison last time! But this time she toes the party line and says Galu is sticking together. Mick says they still have to hope that someone from Galu recognizes that if he makes a "big move" he will have four solid votes from Foa Foa. Which is great except for the fact that four solid votes are not enough. Probst asks Li'l Russell if he's looking for cracks in Galu. Li'l Russell says he was, but now he's waiting for someone on Galu to come to Foa Foa. "But they seem to be pretty tight," he says with fake resignation. Probst asks Monica if she noticed Foa Foa people trying to talk to Galu people and convince them to turn against their own tribe. Monica says no, and that's probably because Foa Foa have just stopped trying, so intimidated are they by the closeness of Galu. "I don't think it's that hard of a try they're giving," she says. Uh, Monica? You not seeing them trying doesn't mean they aren't trying. In fact, it should make you all the more cautious because it means they aren't trying with you. Which means they're against you. Probst asks Dave Ball how Galu picked which member of Foa Foa would be the next to go. Dave Ball says it's who is the biggest threat but won't provide a hint.

With that, they vote. We don't see any of the votes. As Probst goes off to tally them, the Galu members exchange smug looks. Those looks are about to change, because Probst is back with the urn and wants to know if anyone has an immunity idol he'd like to play. Li'l Russell stands up with a great musical flourish. Dave Ball is all 8-O. Man, I do love the "oh shit" expressions a good immunity idol play brings out, don't you? Erik, on the other hand, is loving this. "I ain't finished playin' just yet," Li'l Russell announces, and out comes the idol. I think Dave Ball is part shitting himself and part enjoying the hell out of this moment. Oh! And there, in the corner of the screen, is Shambo, totally pretending to be shocked! Go Shambo! It's the first Tribal Council where you've known anything!

Probst accepts the idol and says any votes against Li'l Russell will not count. So now the question becomes, are there any? Judging by the expressions on Galu's faces, I'd say yes. And so there are. As soon as Probst reveals the first one, Foa Foa know they've done it and allow themselves to try on Galu's smug smiles, now that they won't be needing them. Li'l Russell gets all seven of Galu's votes (nice job, Shambo. Or, rather, whoever told her to vote with Galu) and Galu wait to see on who among them the axe will fall. Much to everyone's surprise, it's Kelly. Now Galu have to act like they're sad to see her go when they've really got to be feeling pretty damn relieved it's not them. Kelly remains insignificant until the end, with Laura getting all the screentime with her whispered "he just stirred up a whole lot of hell, is what he did." So awesomely, Shambo turns and nods at Laura solemnly. When Kelly's torch is extinguished, it's Li'l Russell who gets the screentime. Good-bye, random blonde woman! See you in the jury! Or not, since your final question will probably get edited out anyway! Probst turns back around and says that the last two Tribal Councils have ended in blindsides (enh, not so much that first one, since everyone knew what was going on except Erik and Shambo) and idols being played. He asks if that will be enough to turn the tide for Foa Foa. And he announces that the immunity idol is going back into the game, since if he didn't I'm sure they'd all go around believing it was nowhere to be found while Li'l Russell got it again.

You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, follow her on Twitter, or you can email her at saramorrison@gmail.com.

Dr. Yang refuses to acknowledge that she kissed Dr. Avery at Arizona's crappy birthday party. Which is probably a good plan. She also refuses to answer any of his lechy questions and proceeds to ignore him as much as possible despite working with him. She finds Dr. Hunt who paged her because he has a present for her: he got her a Cardio God. He points Cristina in the direction of Kim Raver who is up to her elbows in some guy's chest. Cristina is truly touched, but not as much as the guy on the table. After the trauma (no word on whether he lived or died) Hunt makes the introductions. Cristina has never heard of Teddy Altman, the supposed Cardio God, and everyone stares at their feet awkwardly as Cristina's Ivy League snobbery embarrasses them all. Hunt explains that they served together in Iraq and she is giving Seattle Grace a trial run. Cristina remains unimpressed.

Bailey is just out of surgery when the Chief's wife, Adele, stops her in the waiting room. It's never good when Adele shows up at the hospital. Never ever. In her sing-song voice she tells Bailey that the Chief never came home last night and he didn't call. She wants to know if he is like dead or something. Bailey doesn't know, but she saw him last night in his office. He was working on the budget. Lexie interrupts the Great Chief Hunt because she is looking for... the Chief. One of his patients needs emergency surgery. Bailey sighs, tells Lexie to prep the patient, and tells Adele to chillax. Adele does not chillax and does not appreciate being told to chillax even if it is kind of funny in a '90s way. Adele does not abide '90s retroism. Too soon!

Derek Shepherd examines Dr. Singer and I can't help but wonder if medical doctors get pissy about having to call PhDs "doctors" when we all know the only real docs are the ones with scalpels. Dr. Singer was an evolutionary biologist on his way to the Galapagos Islands (um... Darwin already covered that territory, doc) when his dad got sick and he had to go back to Chehalis. Chehalis's town motto is actually, "You Try to Get Out and We Pull You Back In!" but it always has a smiley face over the "I" so it looks friendly. Shepherd finishes his examination and concludes that they need to run some tests. Outside the room Shepherd asks Izzie more questions about Singer's condition. Izzie explains that she saw him over Christmas and he was fine and still teaching at the high school. Six months ago the school let him go. He's currently on every medication the nursing home could throw at him because the only diagnosis they made was old age. Cristina chooses that moment to assail Izzie for missing her cancer treatment and Dr. Percy, who is on Shepherd's service, shows up too and gets assigned to give Dr. Singer a full dementia work up. Izzie explains that she got her IL2 treatment at a different hospital and Cristina can just suck it. Just then Alex walks in. He sees Izzie and looks completely rattled. He just walks away. Can't really blame him either. And he probably has a preemie to suckle.

Cristina, Avery, Hunt and the Cardio God stand in the ambulance bay waiting for a trauma, when it takes too long, Cristina creates her own drama. She presses Teddy for the details of where she studied, where she did her residency, and whether or not she is published. Each answer disappoints Cristina more and embarrasses Avery and Hunt further. It's hard to tell whether Teddy cares, because she is too busy dancing in the rain. I guess living in Iraq is an excuse for wanton paganism. And, frankly, she'll fit right in with Seattle folk. Head on over to Pioneer Square, sweetie, someone will definitely throw a quarter in your velvet jester hat and eventually you can buy a soy chai at Zeitgeist. Cristina is totally harsh to Hunt about his present and demands that he take it back and bring her a real Cardio God. Whatever, Veruca Salt. I know Cristina is supposed to be this unfeeling automaton who has no filter, but why would she be so rude to her boyfriend?

Dr. Singer's test results are back and Izzie rips them out of annoying Dr. Percy's hands. The results are all normal, but she demands a spinal tap, too. Dr. Percy is unimpressed by this request, because he thinks that Izzie just wants to make a miracle diagnosis and win her job back. Izzie swears that she doesn't want her stinky crappy job back, but just wants to see her beloved mentor well again. No one believes her. Dr. Singer wakes up confused and disoriented and gets out of bed. When Izzie tries to convince him to stay he ends up falling flat on his face on the cold hard floor. Good thing Izzie was already fired, because otherwise that would do it.

Bailey has finally found the Chief. He is snoozing in the on-call room (how handy that no one was having sex in there for once). She nudges him awake and jumps back. He wakes with a start. Bailey gives him the bad news that he has an emergency surgery and his wife is there to see him because he is in trouble. She hands him his latte.

Izzie pesters Dr. Percy about getting Dr. Singer a spinal tap. He doesn't think it is called for, but Izzie has no qualms about giving an old man an incredibly painful procedure just to prove she is right. When Percy still resists, Izzie blackmails him by threatening to tell the girl (Reed, I think) that he loves her like no other. He caves. Obviously.

Back in the cardio trauma drama, Yang is shocked when her Cardio God confesses that she hasn't put in a pacemaker in ten years. She doesn't even care that Teddy was going to let her do the procedure, she's too unnerved by her attending's lack of practical experience. So Avery does it and Yang goes to talk to the Chief. Teddy still doesn't seem to care.

Meredith finds Alex who is either working or hiding. Maybe both. She reports that Izzie has been staying with her mom in Chehalis and has been keeping up with her cancer treatment. Alex doesn't say anything, so Meredith leaves. Meanwhile, Bailey has the Chief vertical, caffeinated, and heading into surgery when Yang finds him. Bailey acts as human firewall to prevent the Chief from engaging with Cristina. Bailey reminds her that she asked for a new cardio attending and the Chief found one after another and Cristina ran them all off. Cristina protests, but no one can really argue with Bailey when she's on a roll. Bailey asks Cristina to consider that perhaps she might be the problem. Cristina is flabbergasted and looks to the Chief, but he seconds everything that Yang said. Bailey sends the Chief off to surgery with an overly touchy arm shove that the camera zooms in on and shows in slow motion so we know we should pay extra close attention. Mark and Callie come ask Bailey about some patient, but Adele doesn't pay them no mind. She just wants to know if Bailey is having an affair with her husband. While Bailey is vehemently protesting, Callie and Mark look like they just won the gossip lottery, which they did. Obviously they don't have the decency to leave Bailey and Adele to fight in peace. Bailey is completely horrified by the accusation, but Adele saw that arm touch and she knows that they finish each other's sentences and spend hours together everyday. After listening to this compelling argument, Mark seems to agree that Bailey is definitely having an affair with the Chief. Callie, however, knows a "work husband" when she sees one. She clumsily explains to Adele that Bailey and the Chief are merely meant for each other at work. But this does not mean they are having an affair. This does not really help the situation. Adele finally concedes that maybe Bailey is not sleeping with the Chief, but after years of watching the Chief during his affair with Ellis Grey, she knows the signs. The Chief is having an affair with somebody. Mark and Callie, chuckleheads that they are, giggle like tweens at a New Moon opening. Adele deigns to glare at them and they scamper.

Dr. Yang is hard at work on a patient when Teddy comes in and asks her to talk her through the angioplasty. Yang bitchily asks if that is because she doesn't know how? Teddy is being way too nice to Cristina and simply smiles because that was supposed to be a teaching moment. Cristina talks her through the procedure, but she is always two steps ahead of her supposed teacher. Cristina remains unimpressed and unsympathetic. Also, pretty much a bitch.

Bailey corners the Chief and awkwardly tries to talk to him about the supposed affair. Unfortunately her approach is so awkward the Chief thinks she is hitting on him. Oh poor Bailey, just go home or bury yourself in a trauma surgery or something, but seriously, DON'T TALK TO ANYONE. Except maybe Cristina. Might be worth yelling at her again. That was awesome and she deserved it.

Dr. Percy has been harangued into doing the spinal tap that neither he nor the patient wanted. And I know that the patient apparently has no wife and no children, but he's got to have somebody other than an ex-student in his life. Where are his canasta partners? His Facebook friends? His colleagues? Anyone who could save this man from Izzie's good intentions? Izzie holds his hands while the lumbar puncture is happening and then Dr. Percy opens his big yap to ask her whether or not she and Alex are going to get back together. None of us can believe that he has the cojones to ask that question, but he claims it is what everyone at Seattle Grace is talking about. Izzie glares him out of the room. Dr. Singer gives fifteen-year old Izzie some advice that is highly pertinent to contemporary Izzie. He tells her not to marry him if she wants to get out of Chehalis and if this boy really loves her he will understand if she does what is best for her. Can't wait for Izzie to regurgitate that at Alex.

Meredith is secretly operating on either a corpse or on that fake body that the Chief bought at some point to train surgeons. You know, the one that talked back to George, may he rest in peace (and probably pieces.) Shepherd finds her and they cuddle and talk about her first day back. Things have changed a lot since she left on her liver leave. Now there are tons of residents competing for surgeries and she hasn't gotten back into the fight fight fight mentality. So she's operating on a plastic person (and not in that Nip/Tuck sort of way). She remarks that there was a moment a few months ago when Izzie had just come out of surgery, Hit-By-A-Bus Guy wasn't George (actually that's his American Indian name), and they had just done their Post It marriage, when everyone was happy. She is trying to get back to that point and she is pretty sure that suturing a fake large intestine is the pathway to happiness. Derek, however, has different ideas of five minutes in heaven and starts kissing her all over. Don't these people have any work boundaries? Sheesh.

Dr. Percy reports to Izzie that the spinal tap came back clean, just when she was about to, like, apologize for being so damn pushy and insistent, she is saved that indignity by the sudden lucidity of Dr. Singer. He knows where he is, although he is confused about how he got there. He knows Izzie is not fifteen and he knows there is something wrong with him. Izzie tells Dr. Percy to page Shepherd.

Bailey's bad day is getting worse. First she suspects every patient, resident, intern, nurse, and attending of being the Chief's concubine, which makes pretty much any interaction a hostile one. Second, something has gone wrong with one of the Chief's surgical patients. The guy is yellow. Bailey, Lexie, and Reed examine the patient trying to figure out what happened. Lexie and Reed quickly realize the Chief may have made a serious mistake and accidentally cut the common bile duct. Bailey refuses to believe he would have made such a grave mistake and she swears them to secrecy until she can confirm what happened. She actually threatens them with bodily harm if they don't keep it quiet, but it's practically the same thing, right?

Izzie, Dr. Percy, and Shepherd explains to Dr. Singer what happened. He has a condition that causes spinal fluid to build up in his brain. When Dr. Percy did the spinal tap, it removed some of the fluid, reduced the pressure on his brain, hence, lucidity. It is very hard to diagnose but due to Dr. Percy's brave and bold maneuvering they were able to make the diagnosis. Izzie gives Dr. Percy the stink eye, but he ignores it and keeps the compliment for himself. Dr. Shepherd explains the procedure to Dr. Singer, but the surgery sounds too expensive for him. His savings and his retirement all went to his late wife's medical care. He doesn't know what to do. Izzie does. She convinces Shepherd to donate his time, but he points out that she will have to convince the Chief, too.

Callie and Mark continue their two-man gossip fest at lunch. Gossiping can really work up an appetite, dontcha know. They put the kibosh on it when they sit down with Arizona and are joined by Teddy and Owen. Mark asks how Teddy's day is going and she surprises everyone by saying it's great and Cristina may be the best resident she has ever seen. Everyone's jaw drops, because it is like Teddy has not heard a single snide comment that Cristina has made. Maybe hearing damage from time spent in a war zone? Oh wait, Teddy adds that she doesn't think Cristina likes her, though. Mark snorts and starts on the long list of cardio attendings that Yang has chased off, although when he lists them it doesn't seem like Yang is actually at fault. Burke called George a naughty word, Hahn was written off because everyone hated her, and Dixon was autistic and had no interpersonal skills. See? Not really Yang's fault. Teddy is not really listening to these juicy tidbits, because she is too busy noticing that Hunt called Yang "Cristina", which OBVIOUSLY means that they are dating. She can't believe that he would bring her here as a present for his new girlfriend. And what happened to his last girlfriend anyway? Mark starts to tell the dark and dirty tale, but Arizona kicks him in the shin while Owen tries to defend using his friend as a gift to make his girlfriend happy. It's probably residual guilt over choking her. At the residents' table, Cristina bitches about Private Benjamin's inability to operate. Alex tells her to give Teddy a chance since it's her first day. But Cristina slams her as having gone to a state school. Alex coldly reminds her that he did too. Cristina points out that Teddy is skinny and blonde and Alex counters that Meredith is too. Cristina weakly ends by asserting that she's annoying, but Alex points out that Cristina is annoying too. Alex wins! USA! USA! USA! Cristina zings him back by asking where his wife is. He glowers and Meredith changes the subject back to Desert Storm Barbie. But Cristina won't stop talking about Izzie and Alex decides to take his food to go. Meredith sighs that she just wanted a nice normal lunch.

If Alex is wondering where Izzie is, she is making her case to the Chief. Here's a summary: Chief: Budget! Budget! Budget! Izzie: Do it! Do it! Do it! Chief: Budget! Budget! Budget! Izzie: I gave you eight million dollars! Chief: Do it. Outside, Bailey watches the exchange suspiciously.

Arizona and Teddy are paged by Cristina and Dr. Avery to examine a kid with asthma. While Arizona examines the X-rays, Teddy takes a good long listen to the kid's heart. She asks a few questions about his medical history and concludes that they need to book an OR. Cristina balks because she thinks the kid has asthma. Teddy, full up of both all the history and of Cristina's attitude, snaps. She tells her that the kid has cardiac asthma, is in the middle of a heart attack right now, and needs surgery. Also, she's her attending and told her to book the goddamn OR. Cristina looks annoyed, but Arizona smiles at Cristina that she likes Teddy. Heh. Arizona's awesome. But can someone please explain to the poor kid's mother what the heck is going on? Thank you.

Bailey goes to stick her foot further in her mouth and asks the Chief whether he is having an affair with Izzie. Bailey, didn't I tell you NOT TO TALK TO ANYBODY? She tells the Chief that she is going to say a name and he will then tell her that he is not having an affair with her. She says: Izzie Stevens and the Chief just about dies laughing. Bailey, being stalwart and brave, continues to lay out her case that the Chief is sleeping with Izzie: he ignored the DNR, he fired her, they were yelling at each other. The Chief chortles through her entire opening argument, but Bailey is dead serious. And so was his mistake this morning. She ran the test and it looks like the Chief clipped the common bile duct on his patient. So he better stop laughing. He does. Bailey is prepared to do the repair. She assures him that no one knows about his error and no one will. But whatever or whoever is distracting him, he needs to get a handle on it.

Arizona, Teddy, and the two residents are operating on the sick little kid. The coronary artery is attached to the pulmonary artery, not the aorta. This discovery makes Dr. Yang reevaluate her new teacher. Then the cute little birdies on Teddy's scrub cap make her reevaluate her reevaluation. Teddy explains how she knew that the kid's heart was screwed up: she heard a hollow systolic murmuring and saw something on his x-ray. If no one thought it was cardio, why were Yang and Avery there and why did they page Teddy? Whatever. Teddy is a cardio god and Cristina needs to bow. Teddy reassures the residents that next time they'll know how to diagnosis it and after today, Dr. Yang will know how to fix it. Cristina is flummoxed, but Teddy asks Arizona if she minds if Dr. Yang first assists, and Arizona willingly steps down. Cristina is completely stunned but takes the scalpel and begins.

Without any surgeries on the horizon, Meredith has nothing better to do than play Dr. Phil. She finds Alex and tells him that the guy Izzie brought in is being operated on and she snuck Izzie into the gallery to watch the procedure. She will be there for awhile if Alex wants to talk to her. Alex doesn't get it. He doesn't understand Izzie and he wants Meredith to explain her to him. Meredith shakes her head, because she doesn't understand Izzie either. And she doesn't have to, because she's not married to her. Alex is not so lucky.

Back in the operating room, Cristina is done with her repair. They start the heart to check her work... and the kid is in v-fib. Cristina starts panicking and trying to figure out what she did wrong. Teddy coolly instructs her not to worry about what she did, but instead to focus on what she wants to do now to, you know, STOP THE KID FROM DYING. The clock is ticking and Arizona and Dr. Avery look nervously at both Teddy and Cristina. Cristina finally realizes that Teddy is not going to jump in, so she thinks and then decides to defibrillate. It works. Together they repair her mistake.

Alex takes a deep breath, plugs his nose, and jumps into the operating room. Izzie is ready and waiting like a shark with a chip on its shoulder. When Alex asks if she is back, Izzie attacks. She doesn't think Alex wants her back since he went to the Chief and told him she wasn't ready to be there and basically got her fired. Whatever, Izzie, you got yourself fired by almost killing a patient and costing her a spot on the transplant list. That was YOU, not Alex, not Dr. Percy, not the Chief. YOU! Nut up and own it. Also, shut it. Alex can't believe what he is hearing. He was trying to protect Izzie, but Izzie isn't hearing it. She thinks Alex interfered and got her fired. And she can't forgive him for that. Alex is fed up. He can't believe that Izzie would just make an assumption and never give him a chance to explain or deny. She just left. He can't forgive her for that. He leaves and Izzie sits prissily in her sweater (designed by Project Runway contestant Irina, obviously!) and let's Alex leave. I really want something to drop on her head right now.

The Chief watches his patient as he sleeps and recovers from the repair surgery. Bailey finds him standing there and reports that there were no complications and the repair should work. Also, no one knows. The Chief doesn't look comforted by this. He answers with a non sequitur: he's not having an affair. Bailey wants to know what it is then, because something has him distracted. Is it the merger? The budget? His unending fight with Shepherd? The Chief doesn't answer, but simply announces that he is stepping back from surgery. Bailey doesn't think that's necessary, but he does. He has too much on his plate as Chief and he can't afford another mistake. He wants Bailey to take over his surgeries. She protests, but he is firm.

Izzie goes to check on Dr. Singer. He is recovering nicely. He describes the difference as it being like someone turning on the lights. Izzie says he did so well in surgery that he can get home to Chehalis and back to teaching in no time. Dr. Singer has no intention of wasting his newfound mental faculties on those ingrate sex-crazed teenage alcoholics. He has no idea what he is going to do next, but thanks to her, much like the Scarecrow, he has a brain now and can give it a good think.

Cristina gloats to Meredith about her awesome cardio surgery. Cristina admits that Teddy might be a cardio god after all. Live sacrifices promptly at noon, please!

The Chief hands off his surgical charts to Bailey with the promise that they can go over them tomorrow. Just as the Chief walks away leaving Bailey with a stack of charts, Callie comes up to her for the latest installment of gossip about the Chief. Bailey tells her that the Chief is taking a break from surgery because he is exhausted and needs some time off. Bailey then has one of her rare personal moments and moans that now she doesn't have a work husband or a home husband. Callie offers herself as a replacement, but Bailey points out that she has Sloan already. Callie suggests Shepherd, but Bailey can't abide looking at that hair all day. You and me both, sister, you and me both. My roommate once dated a guy who had more hair products than me and my roommate combined. You can guess how that turned out, right? Yep, they soon realized their entire relationship was based on a mutual love of V05 Hot Oil treatments and when he wanted to switch to Prell, she dumped him because she was exclusively a Breck girl. Sad, really. We all saw it coming.

Outside the hospital Owen is waiting for Cristina, but is happy to see Teddy. She doesn't waste time chit chatting, but asks him about Cristina. He apologizes for not telling her earlier, but he wanted her to judge Cristina and her skills without any bias from him. She asks about his ex-girlfriend and he explains that he broke up with her a while back. Teddy keeps smiling when she says that she thought Owen would have called her when he broke up with the ex. She thought they had something. Owen looks surprised and Teddy looks really embarrassed. She didn't realize it was all in her head; she clearly made up a Bridges of Madison County story in her head, but now she can let it go. She bids him good night. He watches her leave until Cristina comes out and plants a big happy enthusiastic kiss on him and thanks her for her present. Pssst, Cristina! You might want to take that back, since she just made a play for your boyfriend. Cristina thinks Teddy is amazing, even if she does have birds on her scrub cap. Owen explains that Teddy's best friend loved birds and died in the second tower. That's when Teddy gave up her attending position at Columbia and joined the army. Even socially-inept Cristina realizes her foot is in her mouth. They walk silently while Cristina tries to tug it out.

Meredith brings Alex a drink. She thinks Izzie will be back; Alex downs a shot in response. She asks if Alex wants to keep drinking and he nods silently. She heads to the bar, where the Chief is also drinking alone. He orders another club soda from Joe who asks if he is going back to the hospital or home after the next one. The Chief explains that he is having one more club soda and then going home. Joe asks for his keys. This is a puzzling exchange until Joe takes the Chief's glass, ducks low behind the bar, and fills it with vodka or gin. He hands it back to the Chief with a look that the Chief ignores. As he takes a drink, all the troubles and hardships and difficult decisions he has made in the past few months come back to haunt him. His fight with Derek, his car accident, his other fight with Derek, his talk with Thatcher Grey, his other fight with Derek, his firing of Izzie, his firing of Derek, and finally his surgical error that almost cost a patient his life. I had sort of forgotten that the Chief was a recovering alcoholic, but I'm pretty sure that is what the flashbacks were implying. His drinking gives an interesting prism to his recent behavior, but I can't quite tell whether it is ret-conning or this was the actual plan all along. I also can't tell whether his drinking caused him to fire Derek and Izzie or whether he was drinking BECAUSE he fired Derek and Izzie and lost George. Anyway, he's back on the hooch. When he sees Meredith at the bar, he gets up and leaves, barely touching his "club soda". Not sure whether he has decided to give up the drink already or whether he is just afraid of getting caught. Or whether he just can't stand the sight of Meredith's face. You are not alone, my friend.

We open at the hospital as Silver rushes behind the gurney being wheeled in the O.R. The doctor tells her to wait until there's news.

Elsewhere, Naomi informs Navid she wants to join the Blaze to pad her resume for college. Now that's the can-do spirit! He says no, since she'll flake once given any actual work, but she begs to an annoying degree and finally he relents. She tells him her thrilling plan for a broadcast: "Clark After Dark." Think Talk Sex with Sue Johanson, but more horrifying. Navid shuts that down immediately and tells her she can start by unpacking some boxes for him. She grimaces but accepts the assignment. He switches gears, telling her that he knows AAdrianna's back on las drogas.

Cut to later, out in the quad. AAdrianna lies that she's clean, but Naomi trusts Navid a little more since AAdrianna has lied about using before. AAdrianna points out that she is nothing like when she used coke... technically true since pills are her poison of choice presently. AAdrianna emphatically insists she's clean and says she's going to straighten things out with Navid.

Back at the hospital, Kelly arrives, and Silver fills her in: Technically Jackie was dead that morning, but the medics revived her. Now she's touch-and-go. Silver starts to break up, and Kelly is comforting her when the doctor comes out. She grimly tells them that Jackie had a cardiac arrest and is too weak from the chemo to fight much more. She sends the girls in to see Jackie, who has regained consciousness. Silver starts heading in, but Kelly can't face it.

La Casa Nueva. Dixon sulks past the breakfast table with barely a word to Debbie and Harry. Quite the opposite, Annie practically dances in with news that she's seeing someone special. She gives Harry and Debbie all the "dirty deets" (Harry's unhip phrase) and then asks if she can have Kris Jr. over for dinner. They make plans for the next night. Debbie and Harry marvel that she's actually sharing with them as she sashays back upstairs... where we see she's got Kris Jr. stashed away. After a night of teenage lovemaking, no doubt. They start to kiss but are disrupted by a knock at her door. Kris Jr. scampers away, and Annie answers Debbie's question about what Kris Jr. would like for dinner: Mahi Mahi. Bouncy credits.

West Bev. Dixon enlightens Liam and Navid with the plan he has concocted to take down Jen. They can use Ivy's family's recording studio and have Ivy record the confession Jen made to Liam, then mix it to make it sound like Jen, and play it for Naomi. Liam thinks that's a wildly stupid plan and shares this with Ivy, who has now joined the conspiracy coven. All she has to say is that they're all morons, irrespective of stupid plans, self-undermining tape erasing, etc. And while we're talking about idiotic ideas, we learn that Dixon's DJ name is Mr. Big Dix. As they head outside, Navid asks if they'll help unload the Blaze video equipment in exchange for a fancy dinner at In-N-Out Burger. They half-heartedly agree. Dixon meanwhile, has stopped in his tracks after seeing Annie and Kris Jr. down the hall. He grits his teeth and says they've been spending too much time together. Navid warns him to keep an eye on her since Kris Jr. is a dealer.

Meanwhile, Naomi practices her "Clark After Dark" spiel with BMOC back in his dorm room. They act aggressively saucy with each other and start making out, only to be walked in on by Naomi's former crunchy hippie tutor. Did I mention he's the one she befriended and seduced in an effort to curry favor with his mother the CU Dean of Admissions? Yeah, so much for that plan. Crunch Jones runs into his room to get his laptop, leaving BMOC to introduce Naomi to the Dean. She bitingly notes that Naomi was supposed to be her son's date to tonight's cocktail party, then sarcastically deems her "classy." Hey lady, leave the snark to me!

Over at Matthews' anti-manse, Matthews struggles with a bow tie as Jen yammers to him about all the various society events she'll be taking to him this weekend. He is clearly not excited and finally spills that they have been spending more time in her world than his. He proposes a camping trip. She reluctantly agrees.

Back at the dorm, Naomi snits and stews about getting caught by the Dean making out with her son's roommate. She bitches enough that BMOC realizes she was only using Richard to get into CU. He calls her scheming out, but she returns that he stole his roommate's girlfriend. He says at least that was based on something honest. She apologizes but says what a life-long dream it's been to get in to CU and find a boyfriend like BMOC. She suggests they move on, but BMOC isn't into it. He tells her the Crunchster's been glum for weeks since the break-up (that he caused). He self-righteously calls Naomi a user and breaks it off.

Back at West Bev, Navid films a Blaze promo so boring that he starts to consider giving Naomi her sex show. He doesn't get a chance to finish that thought, though, because AAdrianna storms in and asks why he's been telling her friends that she's back on drugs. He tells her because it's true -- and because he cares for her. He points out the dramatic change of attitude she's had in the last few days. She coldly shoots back that she was only using him for comfort and that he wasn't that hard to get over once she realized that she was never really in love with him in the first place. Wow. Navid = daggered through the heart = devastated.

Later, Jen shows up at Matthews' door with a truckload of crap for their camping trip. Obviously she thinks this is going to be some Troop Beverly Hills shit. OMG, and she actually mentions a fondue set! She totally does! Matthews bursts her bubble, saying camping is about bare-bones living and carrying only what you can fit on your back. He starts offloading the stuff into his apartment, leaving her deflated in the doorway.

Over at Chez Taylor, Kelly brings Silver her morning coffee and says she's glad Silver's back. Silver thanks Kelly for taking care of her and wonders who's taking care of Kelly. She gently suggests Kelly go see their mom in the hospital before it's too late, but Kelly insists she's fine not having a relationship with Jackie. Silver says she's felt much better since they reconnected, but Kelly says it's different because she has 20 more years of bad memories with Jackie than Silver. Even when Jackie was sober, she was putting pressure on Kelly to be thin, beautiful, and impossibly perfect. Silver gets more assertive, demanding that Kelly forgive her for her own sake. Kelly offers to continue helping Silver to and from the hospital but flatly refuses to acquiesce to Silver's request.

CU. Naomi visits the CrunchMeister to come clean and apologize for using him. She explains her plan to win over his mother and, thus, admission to CU. She realizes now that it was horrible and calculating of her. He is shocked that she was willing to play with other people's feelings for her own gain. She says she would take it all back if he could. He tells her to stop talking.

La Casa Nueva. Annie systematically removes embarrassing baby pictures from the house as Harry and Debbie set out the hors d'oeuvres for dinner with Kris Jr. Annie is clearly very nervous and tries to talk up Kris Jr. to her persnickety parents. They promise to be open-minded. As they're talking, DJ Mr. Big Dix walks in wearing sweats that are clearly not intended for a nice meet-and-greet of a dinner. He tells that he's going to help Navid move some equipment and has no intention of sitting down for dinner with Kris Jr. He slings some insults about Kris Jr., so Annie responds that at least he's not much older and psychotic like Dixon's last girlfriend. Dixon retorts that at least DJ Hottie wasn't a drug dealer. Annie says Kris Jr. isn't a drug dealer, but it's too late to explain that away as the parents' jaws drop to the floor. Just then, the doorbell rings. Dixon storms out on Kris Jr. as Harry and Debbie give him a highly dubious once-over. Annie hesitantly introduces them, and Kris Jr. clearly wonders what just went down on the other side of the door.

Out in the unholy wilderness, Matthews smarms how nice it is to be out of the Bev Niner as he pours wine. Jen does appreciate the availability of alcohol. That is, until he takes her New York Times to start a fire. She concedes unhappily, and he heads over to spark the flames. This will prove a rather hard task, though, as the wind kicks up and the thunder begins to roll in. Jen snappily asks Matthews if he checked the weather, flipping her fur-lined hood over her head and sniping she's glad she wore her suede boots. Jen has a bit of trouble getting into Matthews' beat-up old car, and for a second there I thought they'd be locked out. Which would have been amazing, albeit predictable and trite. Alas, she gets in, and the rain starts soaking Matthews. He chagrins that things aren't going exactly as planned.

Back at West Bev, Navid is regaling Liam with another mind-numbingly stupid plan (loosely based on Hamlet) to trick Jen into admitting to the Prom Night sex fiasco in earshot of Naomi. This one involves a curtain. Sweet Jeebus, what's next? A trap door and a whoopee cushion? Liam refuses to participate in these high school theatrics but says he hasn't given up just yet. Ivy assures the guys they'll figure something out.

Back at the Casa Nueva, it's capital-A Awkward. Crickets are chirping. Annie tries to liven up the mood by telling them about the film she's been making with Kris Jr. She showers him with compliments, and he returns that she's his "muse, babe." Harry grills him on his friends and activities at West Bev. As we know, those would be limited to Annie and blowing artsy fartsy smoke (among other things) up Annie's ass, respectively. Seeing where this is going, Annie goes on a rant about the sucky lemmings at West Bev. She rants that she never had any true friends there. Kris Jr. calms her down, so she apologizes for freaking out.

Debbie and Harry notice the thrall he has on her and nervously exit the room. After they leave, Kris Jr. asks if he's blowing his big chance to wow the parents. She catches him up about Dixon spilling the whole "drug dealer" thing literally seconds before he rang the doorbell. He doesn't get a chance to respond before Debbie calls them into the dining room. He addresses the "rumor" straightaway, before he even sits down. He gives this great speech about how hard it's been for him to fit in at West Bev and how he didn't care what anyone thought about him until he met Annie. He says Annie gives him a place in the world and asks the Wilsons to give him a chance because he only wants what's best for Annie. It really is perfect. If only it weren't total bullshit.

Back at West Bev, Naomi sashays into the unloading party in a completely inappropriate outfit for heavy lifting. (Unless you count a $5,000 jacket, tight leather pants, and three-inch stilettos appropriate for manual labor.) She spots Liam trying to carry an extremely heavy box by himself and has to help him move it to a nearby desk. Once it's down, she sees that he's hurt his hand and gets all Florence Nightingale on him. They stare at each other longingly. He takes the chance to tell her that he would take back all the Prom Night drama from last year if he could and that he thinks about it every day. With horrible timing, Navid interrupts the heart-to-heart, and Liam sees his chance to abruptly shut off his stream of emotions. He jumps up, leaving Naomi looking hurt but yearning.

Over at the hospital, Kelly calls Silver to tell her she's arrived to pick her up. She heads to Jackie's room and finds it's been stripped and cleaned by a custodian. Unfortunately, the cleaning lady doesn't know what's happened. Kelly assumes the worst and collapses against the wall.

Back in that dreadful nature, Jen drinks her wine and reads her Times as a soaking wet Matthews loads up the last of the equipment. He gets in the car, and she proposes they cut their losses and head back home. He thinks out loud what a huge mistake he's made trying to bring some of himself into the relationship. Jen can't believe that he doesn't like rubbing elbows with the upper echelon of Beverly Hills society. He points out how uncomfortable and judged it makes him feel. They sit in silence for a while. Matthews promises to take her home once the weather lets up, then dozes off to the sound of the rain.

Hospital. Silver finds Kelly, still crumpled up in the corridor. In tears, she admits that Silver was right and that she regrets not saying goodbye to Jackie properly. Silver tells Kelly that it's not too late, that Jackie's still alive and has just been moved to a private room. Kelly breathes a sigh of relief.

Back at La Casa Nueva, Annie tries to point out the highlights of the family meet-and-greet shit show that just went down. She thinks things turned around after the antipasti and appreciates the fact that Harry and Debbie are going to give Kris Jr. another chance. Quite the opposite, though. Harry tells Annie she shouldn't see Kris Jr. anymore. First, there's the rumor, then the fact that he's "odd" (a phrase often used to describe serial killers, I might mention), and finally that Annie is so clearly reshaping her personality to accommodate him. Debbie assures her they're doing what's best for her. Annie flips the bitch switch and starts back into her antisocial rant. She insists her parents no longer know her. Well, hobo-killing does change a person. But, in that respect, Kris Jr. doesn't really know her either, now, does he?

Hospital. Kelly comes to make peace with Jackie. She apologizes for taking so long to come around. Jackie admits to being a terrible mother. She says Kelly didn't turn out to be what she expected. Kelly braces herself for more criticism, but Jackie says Kelly turned out better than she could have ever imagined -- much more responsible and caring, particularly in regards to Silver. She says Kelly's an amazing person, strong, and a great mother (though I suspect the long-lost Sammy might beg to differ... where in the Sam Hill is that kid?). Jackie tearfully apologizes for everything that's gone wrong between them. Tears stream down Kelly's face as she forgives her. Jackie admits she was hanging on for this very moment and tells Kelly she loves her.

Back at West Bev, BMOC finds Naomi in the parking lot to give her a second chance now that she's apologized to Captain Crunch. He tells her he's falling for her and leans in for a kiss. She turns her head woefully. She decides to ride this honesty wave to the shore and admits that, even though she did dream of finding and falling for a BMOC, she's still hung up on someone else. BMOC actually takes it quite well, and walks into the night skyline from whence he came.

Across town, Annie breaks it to Kris Jr. over the phone that her parents forbid her to see him. He tells her to calm down, it's not worth getting mad over, but his pacing and gritted teeth reveal that the wheels of destruction and revenge are turning in his mind. He tells her they'll figure something out. They hang up, and he hurls the phone across the room.

Over at AAdrianna's house, the pill-popper herself eyes her stash when Naomi suddenly walks in to moan about losing the perfect guy and how generally tragic her life is. AAdrianna nervously eyes the orange plastic bottle, which Naomi hasn't bothered to notice, so AAdrianna asks her to shut the door and waits until Naomi has turned her back to hide the drugs. She does it with all the subtlety of a dump truck and manages to tip Naomi off with the clacking of the bottle as she shoves it into the purse. Naomi forgets her paltry troubles for a moment and takes AAdrianna to task for lying again. She tosses the pills at her and walks out on her. Since the pills are at arm's reach, AAdrianna pops a couple more. The face she makes tells me to insert "bitter pill to swallow" jokes here.

Back in the woods, Matthews wakes up to find that the rain has stopped and Jen has set up all the camping gear. She even sacrificed her Styles section to build the fire. Now that's romance and self-sacrifice! She apologizes for forcing him to attend all those chi-chi events but says she understands why he wasn't honest with her. She has come not to expect honesty in a relationship. This notion unsettles Matthews, who thinks nothing she could tell him would change his feelings for her. She admits she's broke and living off her still-in-high-school baby sister. He registers that with ease, saying that, if anything, he's datingher in spite of her money. Then he asks how she lost it all. She admits she blew it trying to land her husband. The fact that she's married knocks Matthews back, and the hits just keep on coming as she admits that she's in the midst of an ugly divorce. Matthews sits down to ask why she kept this from him. She starts to tear up when she has to admit that the relationship ended because her husband cheated. Crocodile tears, bitch. You manipulated and lied your way into sleeping with your own sister's boyfriend. Of course she conveniently omits this little chapter in her life story, so Matthews takes it all with a grain of salt and promises never to cheat on her. They cuddle by the campfire, a million sparks flying above them and a million more lies floating between them.

The next morning, Silver and Kelly are still at the hospital holding Jackie's hands. Jackie lets out her dying breath, and the heart monitor goes flat. Silver and Kelly grab hands and weep silently over Jackie.

Over at West Bev, Navid is walking through the halls alone when he is suddenly ambushed by Kris Jr. and pushed down the stairs. Kris Jr. stares over him, aghast at what he's done -- or maybe he's horrified because he subconsciously senses that he's eternally bonded with Annie in bloody murder? The school bell rings. People flood in and Kris Jr. flees. Down the hall from where Navid has landed, Ivy starts in on her plan to take down Jen. But we'll never know if it's smarter than Mr. Big Dix's because they hear the cries for help and rush to Navid, who is unconscious and bloodied. Cut to black.

In two weeks: The Jen takedown is on. Screwball silent film-style. It involves old-timey costumes and a horse race. A little zany, considering Navid may be paraplegic, no?

Discuss this episode in our forums, then see where the Bev-Niners will be 20 Years from Now.

MacLaren's: Claire (Sarah Wright; Jane, 7th Heaven), a pretty, young, blonde woman sits at the bar as Saget!Ted narrates that when you're dating, it's important to be confident, comfortable in your skin, and assured of who you are. In 2030, he informs his (unseen) kids that Barney had that last part down pat, even when he wasn't being himself. We pan to Barney, seated at the semi-round booth in the corner. He's in full SCUBA gear. Lily approaches Claire, and tells her that the SCUBA suit guy is the biggest jerk on the face of the earth and not to talk to him. Claire smiles. "How do you know him?" Lily says, "Oh, he's one of my best friends." Heh. Claire wants to know what's up with the SCUBA suit. Lily tells her it's a long story -- he just went through a break-up, etc. Keep in mind, this is to set up the introduction to the funniest plays in Barney's playbook.

As we flashback to Robin, Saget!Ted says that after a breakup, some people throw themselves into... Robin finishes the line: "...my career." She's sworn off dating for the foreseeable future. Saget!Ted then narrates, "While some people throw themselves into..." We flash to Barney. "...every woman in New York City." Thanks for the prepositional gross-out, Show. Barney's back on the market. "Mothers, lock up your daughters. Daughters, lock up your MILSWANCAs." Ted cracks Barney's code: "Mothers I'd Like to Sleep With And Never Call Again." Daddy's home, indeed. Robin is not present for this scene, by the way. It's just Ted, Lily, Marshall and Barney. When Lily cautions Barney about jumping back into things too soon, he makes phallic references to what turns out to be his playbook.

Theme Song!

As you might imagine, Barney's playbook contains every "scam, con, hustle, hoodwink, gambit, flimflam, stratagem and bamboozle" he's ever used or hoped to use, in order "...to pick up chicks and give 'em the biz... ness." He bounces as he says that last bit -- like he's riding a horse. As I indicated in the recaplet, between that list and MILSWANCAs, you all have no idea how close you came to me busting out some Dr. Seuss-ian poetic meter. He laid their Milswancas, with flim-FLAMS and bamboozles. Thank your lucky stars for my short deadline and my relative lack of ability, compounded by my intellectual laziness.

Now understand, the playbook plays are shot like educational films. For these clips, Barney wrests the narration mic from Saget!Ted, while Fantasy!Barney stars in his fantasy/educational sequences, responding to Narrator!Barney's instructions. When Fantasy!Barney has successfully completed a play, he winks with an audible twink. So, and without further ado, the playbook includes:

The Don't Drink That: In which Fantasy!Barney stops a woman just as she's about to take a sip of her martini. He says he just saw some guy slip something into it. When she asks who, he pins the blame on an unsuspecting male victim (in this case -- Ted, who waves innocently, and then is immediately taken down by the bartender). The girl responds to Fantasy!Barney with gratitude. Twink. [basic move]

The Mrs. Stinsfire: In which Fantasy!Barney, in full Mrs. Doubtfire regalia, gets hired as house mother for the naughty Kappa Kappa Nu Sorority who were disciplined for lewd behavior last semester. Ooh, you wicked, wicked monkey! Mrs. Stinsfire greets the girls and then turns to the camera with a twink. [advanced maneuver]

The show teases the Lorenzo Von Matterhorn play. Barney says it, "...will be my grand return to the stage. Or, you know, the bed -- actually, my bed is kind of on a stage. I've put a platform underneath. I've got some lights going. It's a real production. Barney exits." And that's just what he does before we sideways slide to MacLaren's. There, Marshall, who is with Lily and Ted, asks Robin about her playbook. Robin narrows her eyes and smiles. "My playbook? Bro... uh..." She motions repeatedly to her breasts. "Two volume set. Right here." Ted says, "It's a great read, actually." Lily is entranced: "I'm reading it right now." That said, Robin insists she's taking a break from romance, so Ted and Marshall insist she's going to fall in love. Instead of locking up his wife, Marshall does a silly, growly Adam Sandler voice, exclaiming, "Soooo soon." The guys then regale Robin with tales of all their friends who once claimed to have sworn off love. Meet Kelly Harris. A law school classmate of Marshall's, Kelly vowed to focus her energies on her studies and, "Six months later? Married." We get a shot of a married couple. Ted relates the story of the backup bartender -- Travis Frenchroy. He declared he was giving up dating in order to concentrate on his Star Trek fan fiction. Six months later? Married. [In Next Gen uniforms, no less. - Zach] Marshall tops that with the story of a GNB accountant, Matthew Blitz, who -- sure he's going to die single and alone -- gives up on love to devote himself to this years taxes. Six month's later? We see a shot of him and his husband, as Marshall says, "Civil union and planning to get married, pending the passage of legislation currently on the floor of the New York State Senate." Robin can pooh-pooh them all she wants. By bowing out of the scene, she's uttered the magic incantation for meeting the the one. Ted says it's a law of nature. Marshall agrees. "Lawyered! Of nature." Ted says he'd love to have no interest in a relationship. There's no way he'd be single right now if he wanted to be. And although it makes no sense, Lily then pronounces him ready to meet her co-worker Shelly (Eva Amurri; Jackie, Californication). She's known Shelly was perfect for Ted since she met her three years ago, but Ted's just hearing about it now, because three years ago, when Lily brought Shelly to MacLaren's for a surprise Meet & Greet, Ted was showing Marshall how many chicken fingers he could stuff in his mouth at once. The visual activates my gag reflex, so use your imagination. When Lily sees what's going on, she pretends she can't spot Ted, claims he's probably out doing charity work, and ushers Shelly off to another bar. I can't overstate how hard the chicken finger thing pushes my gag button, so I'm glossing. At any rate, Lily will set Ted up with Shelly, as long as he promises not to be doing anything stupid when she shows up. He keeps the promise, but Shelly stands him up! We cut to...

Lily's School Break Room: (see the "Please keep sink area clean" note behind Shelly? Hee.) Shelly apologizes for standing up Ted. It's just that she got to MacLaren's about an hour early and met the most amazing guy. His name? Lorenzo Von Matterhorn, which will eventually lead us to the next play. But first, we take a pit stop at Barney's apartment. When he opens the door, Lily growls: "You sonofabitch!" [Imagine "sonofabitch" spoken really fast and with a slight Italian accent. This is the correct pronunciation every time it is spoken this episode. - Z] Commercial. After the break, we're back in current time at MacLaren's, with Claire saying to Lily: "So, he hooked up with Shelly? You must have been pissed!" Oh yeah. Flashback to Barney's apartment, where she tells him she's had Shelly reserved for Ted for three years. Barney says Ted didn't miss out on anything. Shelly is brainy, annoying and not so hot in the sack. "Oh! I guess she would have been perfect for Ted. Oops." After Lily punches him, he claims he never would have hit on her if he'd known she was there for Ted. You be the judge. Circumstances aside, Barney's pretty sure Ted will be proud of him, because he pulled off...

The Lorenzo Von Matterhorn: In which the pupil needs a basic knowledge of website design and a unique, fake name. The target should be a girl with a real nice... (a stacked woman passes in front of Barney at MacLaren's). "...phone." Barney approaches a different girl, who is texting at the bar. He acts as if she must recognize him -- the oh-so-famous Lorenzo Von Matterhorn -- and then fakes how refreshing it is that she does not. He leaves the bar, which gives the mark (in this case, Shelly) a chance to do a web search on him. During the search, she hits on many flattering pages featuring Lorenzo Von Matterhorn (Big Business Journal; The Balloon Explorers Club; and Extremities Quarterly, in which "Lorenzo" bravely shares his heartbreaking tale of his inability to surgically reduce his extra-large penis). When a reasonable amount of time has elapsed, Barney returns, and asks the refreshing Shelly out for coffee -- an invitation she jumps to accept. As they leave the bar, Tutor!Barney narrates: "And it is on," as Fantasy!Barney (who is real, in this particular scenario) (hell, I think he was real in all of those scenarios. - Z) twinks.

Barney's apartment: Lily lectures Barney on how low he is and informs him he broke Shelly's heart. We flash back to the school break room, and Shelly cries as she learns the balloon expedition; the manmade island off the coast of Dubai that is shaped like "Lorenzo's" face; and finishing third in the laser tag competition are all a bunch of lies. Lily's ready to affirm the last one is true, until Shelly says the competition was at the Vatican. Barney turns things around and blames Lily for telling the truth, breaking Shelly's heart, and destroying her faith in men. "You ruined her for Ted, not to mention -- Julio Von Matterhorn, Lorenzo's twin brother."

At MacLaren's, Lily vents to Marshall, Ted, Claire and Robin and then tells Ted that Shelly would probably still go out with him. Ted will pass on Barney's sloppy seconds, thanks, Lil. In a moment reminiscent of the Three Stooges famous, harmonized "Hello, hello, hello" -- Ted sings, "Hell no," and Marshall, Robin and Claire chime in. Lily asks Robin if she's bothered by all this Barney scamming. Robin is sedate as she says it's Barney's life, and if the marks are stupid enough to fall for his crap then they have it coming. The discussion turns back to the playbook.

The SNASA: Barney tells a mark he's in a top-secret government space program, "Secret NASA, or SNASA." He's been to the "smoon." Twink.

Barney's apartment: Lily reminds him he just got out of a real relationship. "You're a real boy now. You can't go back to these cheap tricks." This leads us to...

The Cheap Trick: Fantasy!Barney, sporting long, curly extensions, chats up a cutie at the bar, and claims to be the bass player for Cheap Trick. Twink. [This trick is actually quite expensive, because of the hair extensions involved. - Z]

Barney doesn't have time to argue with Lily, though, because he's off to perform tonight's main event...

The He's Not Coming: In which Barney approaches random women on the observation deck of the Empire State Building, and in a twisted, evil version of An Affair to Remember, tells each one that he's not coming, until he meets up with a woman who was actually waiting for a "him" -- one who is vulnerable enough to fall for his crap, and fall into his arms in search of comfort. In this segment, while the theme from Romeo and Juliet plays, an attractive brunette does just that. Twink.

Ted's apartment: Robin tells Marshall, Lily and Ted that she's off to get the newspaper. The guys are playing a video game, but they're not too preoccupied to tease her that she's just as likely to get a husband. She tells them to knock it off. Ted says, "When you pick up that newspaper, be sure to check the wedding announcements..." His voice rises. "For yours!" Marshall goes into this long, complicated explanation about how every time he goes to the freezer looking for frozen waffles, there are none, but every time he goes to the freezer for something else (like the TV remote control that Lily hid there during an argument) he finds frozen waffles. "That's how it works. You go out there looking for a paper -- you're coming back with frozen waffles, and in this case, frozen waffles is a guy." A beat. "Also, could you pick up some frozen waffles? In that case, frozen waffles are frozen waffles." Just as Robin's about to exit, Barney bursts in announcing a code red. He pulled off the He's Not Coming, and it worked. As he gets into the lurid details, Robin announces she's leaving. After she's gone, Barney continues -- he left the girl to go set up his video camera (he looks at Lily and edits this to 'light some candles'), but when he was done, she was gone, and so was the playbook. There's clearly only one party to blame. Al-Qaeda. Lily agrees there's one party to blame, but she's that party. Barney says, "You sonofabitch." Commercial.

MacLaren's: Barney sits at the semi-round in his SCUBA gear, as Lily, Marshall, Ted, Claire and Robin sit at the regular booth, and Lily shows off the playbook. She had an actress-friend play the vulnerable mark, steal the playbook, and hand it off. We flashback to Ted's as Barney learns the truth. "An actress. Of course! That explains her impeccable diction and sluttiness." Lily's tempted to post the playbook on the Internet. Barney says, "You wouldn't." Lily says she won't, provided he agrees to no more scams, cons, hustles, hoodwinks, gambits, stratagems and bamboozles. And no more skank tramps, with their whatzits and whoozles. Barney looks hopeful as he does the math. "I notice you left out flimflams?" Lily waves her index finger in his face as she yells, "No more flimflams!" She does not like them, Stinson man.

MacLaren's: Robin apologizes for interrupting, but she has to show the gang (and Claire) the next play.

The Ted Mosby: (not to be confused with The Mosby) Barney, wearing a flannel shirt over a T-shirt, holds up a diamond ring to his latest mark and tells her he got left at the altar. The girl grabs his hands with one hand and rubs his arm with the other. Twink.

Ted declares "The Ted Mosby" awful, but wonders aloud if it would work. But Marshall tells him there are worse things in there, which brings us to...

The My Penis Grants Wishes: The mark says, "Really? A genie comes out of it?" Barney, dressed in a green jinn suit says, "Only if you rub hard enough." Twink.

Claire wants to know what happened with Barney after Lily threatened him with publishing the playbook. Lily says, "A few hours later," and we flash back to Ted's apartment. Barney enters in the SCUBA suit and announces that he'll be at MacLaren's performing the SCUBA Diver play from his book. Robin, reading her paper, just shakes her head. After he flops out in his flippers, Lily picks up her MacBook, proclaims she's putting the playbook on the Internet, and then sweetly asks Marshall to do it. He's engrossed in the playbook, though, and has to point out that there's no SCUBA Diver play in it. We cut to...

MacLaren's: Barney's pleased that the gang now wants to know what the SCUBA Diver is. He notes that it was on the last page of the playbook, but he ripped it out, "Just in case." But they're going to see it in action, and the mark is the blonde at the bar (Claire!). "Tizz-arget Ac-quizz-ired." Lily tries to talk it down, but he says, "Give it a rest, pest. If anyone should be mad, it should be Robin." Um...yeah! "She loves the playbook." Um, no. Robin agrees with me. "I don't love the playbook." As Barney tries to coax her to his side, her expression grows softer and more vulnerable. Voice low, she says, "Look, Barney, we just broke up. I mean, yes, the costumes are cute, but we just broke up." Her eyes come over all misty, like eyes do, when they're fighting back tears. And for his part, Barney looks like you do when it feels like your stomach has dropped to your knees. He holds her gaze for a moment and then stammers that he didn't know Robin felt that way. When all she can do is shrug, he says, "I guess I've been so wrapped up in my own stuff..." he looks over to the bar. "Oh, crap! She's looking over here. Quick. Everyone, scatter." He dons his mask. Robin holds it together. The gang stomps off in disgust, and Lily says, "That's it." We've now come full circle to her first approaching Claire at the bar, and telling her that the biggest jerk in the world is one of her best friends. We flash forward to the present.

Lily tells Claire she's all caught up. All Claire can say is, "Wow," and that she still wants to know what the SCUBA Diver play is. When Marshall says they don't know and, "It's killing us, Claire. It's killing us," Claire says, "Let's go ask him." We cut to a shot of the nighttime NYC skyline (so beautiful) to give the gang and Claire time to join Barney at the semi-round. Lily asks what the SCUBA Diver is and introduces Claire -- in that order. Barney starts out with a bullshit explanation about being Lt. Frank Lyman who trains bomb-sniffing dolphins, but as he looks around the table, he takes of his mask and stammers that he can't do "this." He looks at Robin and quietly apologizes for everything. "I guess this breakup's been tougher on me than I thought. Maybe this playbook was just a way to take my mind off of things." Robin tells him it's okay. It's been tough on her as well, she's even sworn off relationships. Marshall leans in toward Ted and whispers: "She's so about to get married." Ted agrees, and the guys resume their teasing until Robin threatens to bang their heads together -- like coconuts. [Two Three Stooges references in one episode? Nice. - Z] Lily tells Barney that she's glad he's done with the games, because the real Barney is way more appealing. Barney's not convinced and calls Lily on what he's treating as her bluff. "Claire, you've probably heard a lot about the "real" Barney, tonight. Want to grab a cup of coffee?" Claire tilts her head and opens her mouth, but doesn't know what to say, so Lily tells her, "Underneath this neoprene suit, with what appears to be a tube sock stuffed in the crotch..." Barney correct: "Can of Pringles, but go on." Marshall cringes and Ted tries to get a better look, and Lily continues: "...is an amazing guy. He's fun; he's one of my best friends, and," nodding toward Robin she adds, "...he landed this hottie." Ouch, Lily. Did you not just hear what Robin said to Barney a few minutes ago? I can see you staying out of it. I can't see you helping Barney score. Robin nods, and I'd like to think it's in agreement with me, but no. "He's a good guy." Ted and Marshall join the chorus -- encouraging Claire to give Barney a chance. She finally agrees. I want to slap the writers, so I go get a glass of water, instead.

As Saget!Ted narrates, "And by the end of the night..." Claire and Barney start to make their way out of MacLaren's, as Marshall, Lily, Ted and Robin sit in the regular both. Marshall says, "I'm proud of that guy. To be that vulnerable takes a lot of Pringles." Just then, Lily's phone rings. It's a text from Barney: "Look under the table." There, she finds an envelope containing the last page of the playbook, i.e....

The SCUBA Diver: Barney narrates over a montage of the appropriate clips. "Step One: Tell a meddlesome female friend about the playbook. Step Two: Run play on one of her coworkers, making her so angry she steals the playbook. Step Three: Put on a SCUBA suit and tell her you're going to do one more scam, called 'The SCUBA Diver,' on the hot girl standing by the bar. Your friend -- let's call her Lily -- goes and talks to the girl, and tells her everything about the playbook. Now, here's where it gets tricky. When Lily and the girl ask what 'The SCUBA Diver' is, take off your mask; give them some spiel about your deep-seated insecurities -- which don't really exist because, let's face it, you're awesome." Genie-Barney winks at us with a twink. "Feeling bad for you, Lily talks you up to the girl, who then agrees to go get coffee with you." We see Barney and Claire head out the MacLaren's door, but Barney turns at the last moment as Narrator!Barney says, "And it is on." Twink. Back at the booth, Ted drops the page as though it burns. Everyone gasps. Lily scowls. "You sonofabitch!" And? Scene.

End Tag: Near the MacLaren's doorway, Ted tells an Amanda Peet look-alike that he'll give her a call. He slides into the booth, next to Marshall. "For those of you keeping score, the Ted Mosby..." His voice rises. "...Works!" Marshall shushes him and holds up his hand toward Robin, as if he's casting a spell. He tells her the love of her life is about to walk in the door, "And it's..." He points. "That guy." A short, dumpy, nerdy version of Robert Plant enters MacLaren's. Robin says she's not falling in love with him. Ted tries his hand at it, but his "that guy" is old enough to be Robin's grandfather. Marshall gives the "It's that guy" trick one more shot, and a hot brunette woman wanders in. Robin smirks and looks at the boys. Ted and Marshall crane their necks to get a gander as Marshall says, "Whoa, Robin. You should at least give her a chance. You know -- make out with her a little. See if there's something there." Robin looks away from them. "Okay. I'm going to work." In a deep, sexy voice, Ted says, "Yeah, you are." Robin rises. "No, I'm actually going to work." Marshall encourages her to "work it." Saget!Ted busts in. "And the ironic part was..." We cut to...

Set of Come On, Get Up, New York!: a handsome guy approaches Robin at the anchor desk and asks if she's Robin. "I'm Don, your new co-host." They shake hands. Saget!Ted says, "That was the day she met Don." Robin purses her lips and looks down at the desk in front of her. "Damn it, Marshall."

Okay, so I gave the episode an A because, as a stand-alone it was supremely funny, messed with time just the way we like it, and they spoiled us with websites, to boot (seriously, Google "Lorenzo Von Matterhorn"). And, I really liked the painful admissions between Barney and Robin. Personally, I think Barney was lying with the truth, there, and he is really smarting over their breakup and doesn't really know what to do. But, whatever. When I look at this as a greater part of the whole, though, I'm still dissatisfied, in that one of the things I didn't like about the execution of the Barney/Robin romance is that they took over the whole show. Despite my depression last week, I was happy that we could finally get back to How I Met Your Mother. Instead, we got another amusing installment in The Secret Life of Walter "Barney Stinson" Mitty. Also, I'm a little miffed that everyone (particularly Barney and Lily) were able to boost Barney to Claire, right in front of Robin, after Robin admitted that she's still coming to terms with the breakup. It seemed cold. One of the things I've most enjoyed about this series is the genuine friendship of the characters. Sure they enjoy mocking one another, but when one of them is hurt, I expect the rest to at least try to be sensitive. That said, I enjoyed the heck out of this episode. It was so well done, and so very fun. Welcome back, Show. I missed you.

Next week, tune in for "Slapsgiving 2: Revenge of the Slap." Need I say more? In the meantime, don't drink that! I saw some guy slip something in it. Instead, come on over to the forums. We only have beer, and TWoP Barnes uncaps it right in front of you.

Look for the SCUBA Diver, the Lorenzo Von Matterhorn and MILSWANCA to eventually make their way into the HIMYM Dictionary! Sorry, we can't keep up with this show's crazy new slang.

Cindy McLennan is tearful mess of sentiment and glurge. Slap her out of it in e-mail at CynthiaMcLennan[at]gmail.com or by following her on Twitter.

What do you know, another sunny day in L.A.! Kristin meets Brody for lunch at one of their favorite old spots. They reminisce about the crazy times they used to have and all the spots they used to go -- spots that 90% of viewers will never have heard of or been able to afford, mind you. Brody makes a toast to hanging out with a girl that he actually likes and doesn't fight with constantly. Speaking of, segues Kristin, Jayde texted her to have a sit-down. Brody warns Kristin that Jayde may be out for blood. Brody admits that he's still talking with Jayde and tells Kristin to put herself in Jayde's situation. Kristin reminds him that they knew each other for a long time before Jayde showed up and advises him to make his decision based on his own happiness. Translation: "Pick me! Pick me! Adam DiVello requires you to pick me!" Credits.

And the Kelly Clarkson domination continues. That's officially half of All I Ever Wanted, if memory serves. Keep 'em comin', music selection folks! It helps me forget a little how crap this season has been. Though I will admit another visit to Dr. Mansbasher cheers me up, too. Yes, the Dr. Mansbasher (or Dr. Mansbacher, as is her actual name, but far less amusing) who basically told Speidi to grow the eff up and sever their union immediately. Well, that didn't work out obviously, so Heidi shows up for another round of sticking her fingers in both ears and singing "La la la la laaaaaaaa!" horribly off-tune. Of course she didn't even bring Spencer, proving she has no desire to actually engage in this frivolous couples' therapy exercise but rather just wants to natter on for an hour to someone who is paid not to tell her to shut up and get out.

So she starts in, updating Dr. Mansbasher on her most recent of three weddings and how Spencer is ruining her dollhouse fantasies by refusing to have babies. She insists that Spencer does really want babies, he just doesn't know it. At this, a look of sheer horror spreads across Dr. Mansbasher's face. But Heidi's on a roll, so it doesn't register. Besides, she probably sees that look all the time and just thinks that a grimace signifies enthusiastic agreement. Dr. Mansbasher does a startling and heretofore unknown thing to Heidi. She says no. She tells Heidi that people should really reconcile things like life goals and children before they get married. Heidi points out that that ship has already set sail, hit the iceberg and started to sink. She's all, "Dr. Mansbasher, why aren't you furiously chewing bubble gum with which to stop up this irreparable hole in my life, marriage and judgment?" She also adds that maybe she should just go off the pill to "surprise" Spencer by getting knocked up and, thus, force him to realize how exciting having a baby you're completely unprepared for really can be! Dr. Mansbasher practically throws up her arm and starts talking about making rational decisions, not emotional and hormonal ones. Heidi looks down, forlorn because her verbal comprehension doesn't extend beyond two-syllable words. Also, that gum isn't going to chew itself.

That night, Brody plays billiards with one of his nameless minions. Then 48-year-old Frankie arrives, and they rehash the fight at da club last week between Jayde and Kristin. Minion 437-5299 notices the hashtag of the week is #fun and notes that @BrodyJenner is a lot more #fun with @kristincavall than with @Jayde_Nicole. @frankiedelgado chips in that @BrodyJenner's mood swings affect his friends. @BrodyJenner says he can make up his own mind, then DMs the guys to get out their lotion and tissues in anticipation of the girly showdown.

Elsewhere, Kristin shows up for her throwdown with Jayde. Jayde starts quite civilly. Like a kitten lunging at a piece of yarn, Kristin speeds up the process by accusing Jayde of attacking her at da club. She tinkles it around in her fingers, telling Jayde it's okay that she hit Jayde, since she got hit first. Then she unfurls it a little, telling Jayde to keep a tighter leash on her man in the future -- a suggestion that is both convenient and extra-bitchy, as you will recall Kristin sparked this whole feud by giving Brody an S&M leash at the birthday party planned by his girlfriend Jayde.

Jayde tells Kristin to butt out and stop screwing up her relationship. Kristin contends that she's known Brody for five years and has never before (been paid to) destroyed his relationships (on national TV). She claims she'd be happy for Brody if Jayde made him happy, but she doesn't see that. Jayde reiterates that Kristin just got back in the saddle and has no idea about these people's relationship dynamics. She basically tells her to take her raggedy old man-stealin' hoo-ha elsewhere. She name-checks JB in all this mess, rankling Kristin. Jayde sticks to her guns: Kristin is trouble, everything was fine before she swept into town like so many brushfires, and she should go back where she came from. All 30 minutes away back to the O.C. Seeing that she has produced the amount of drama stipulated in her contract, Kristin wraps things up in an elegant little bow, calling Jayde a bitch a couple of times.

The next day, Kristin meets Lo for a rehash lunch. Lo laughs in amazement that Kristin faced down an "animal" like Jayde. Kristin claims it's because Audrina never showed her the respect of showing up for bitchfest. To be fair, Kristin had already verbally demoralized Audrina once this season, and she would have found another opportunity regardless, so to give her that satisfaction in between the two beat-downs would have been gratuitous. Also, the producers probably never even told Audrina, expressly for the purpose of creating a motive to destroy her a couple episodes later. Lo doesn't care about the technicalities of Kristin and Audrina's tiff, though -- she wants the dirty deets on Kristin and Jayde's showdown. Sadly, she is disappointed. Kristin reports that Jayde said she was getting back together with Brody. Lo asks if Kristin believed Jayde, and Kristin smiles smugly, spitting out a rapid fire of "No, no-no-no." She's got this bitch locked down in her mind. JB made a fool of her once, and she'll have it no more. Kristin FTW. Lo rubs her earlobe dolefully thinking about all the ripped weaves and earrings ripped from lobes that weren't meant to be in Jayde and Kristin's anticlimactic meet-up.

Elsewhere, Heidi lunches with Audrina and asks her about JB. Audrina rues that it was a total disaster and that JB has let her down again. Heidi assures her that, if it hadn't been Kristin, it would have been someone else. She urges Audrina to put him out of her mind once and for all. Then she turns to her favorite topic: Heidi. She catches Audrina up on all the vasectomy dramz. Audrina agrees that such a drastic measure was a "slap in the face" to her, basically implying that he never wants kids -- specifically with her. Heidi retells her brilliant plan to skip her birth control pills and spring a kid on Spencer. Even Audrina thinks this is an ill-advised maneuver. And this coming from the girl still shocked and heartbroken by her million-and-ninth return to the same guy. Just as she did in Dr. Mansbasher's office, Heidi plows forward with her disregard to Spencer's vociferous objections and all thinking (and some non-thinking) people's objections. She has decided that this world needs a Speidi Baby, so she'll make the call herself. As Heidi outlines her plan to seduce Spencer with home cooking and romantic ambience, Audrina cups her face in her hands with an incredulous, but totally amused "Oh my God!" Heidi intones chipper yet ominously, "I always get what I want!"

That night, Brody (whose chyron has been demoted to "Kristin's Ex-Boyfriend") meets up with Jayde. Before the conversation even starts, they look like they hate each other. Always a good starting point for a conversation on whether or not you should keep dating. Brody says Jayde looks upset, so she mentions her drinks disaster with Kristin. Brody says Kristin already told him all about it. He asks why on Earth Jayde would think such a rendezvous would be a good idea. Jayde claims she was "trying to be an adult and tell her to back off." OMG, there are so many logical flaws in that argument, my brain can't even compute. Brody points out that he's free to do what he wants since he and Jayde are on a date. And once again I feel it's incumbent that maybe it's not the best course of action to do what he wants when that course of action confirms the precise set of fears on Jayde's part that caused the break in the first place.

Jayde starts to explain how they move forward now that she knows what she's up against in Kristin, but Brody interrupts her before she can even get a word in. Jayde cuts him off and tells him to shut up so she can make her point. Brody's response? To mime shooting himself in the head. Again, a promising way to interact with your girlfriend during a relationship talk! Meanwhile, Jayde has obviously rehearsed this shit in her head and decided to dump on Brody everything she wishes she had said to Kristin the other night. She claims she's nice to him when he's not provoking her. He gets caught on the disrespect of her telling him to shut up and tells her, "I will go jump off a building if I have to argue with you one more time." Oh, Brody... I said it to Spencer, and it bears repeating with you: Don't tease! Jayde changes tacks, saying she doesn't want to argue, either. She says she wants to work things out and that she misses him. Of course, she can't resist throwing in that he's been a jerk. She suggests they get back together. A smile spreads across Brody's face. Bemused? Amused? Pleased? Farting?

The next night, Kristin meets Brody for a Jayde rehash dinner. Kristin's smile fades immediately, if not sooner. Brody admits he loves Jayde and wants to get back together with her. He invited Kristin to salvage what's left of their friendship and make it clear that he doesn't want to take things any further. Kristin makes no efforts to shield her contempt when she wishes Brody the best with Jayde. He picks up on her lack of enthusiasm, and she doesn't mince words in saying she thinks he and Jayde make each other miserable. Further she makes it clear that she has developed a real distaste for Jayde. She moans about being in the midst of all this fighting (Brody and Jayde, JB and Audrina), finally telling Brody he deserves better.

Speidi Web 2.0. Spencer rolls up to behold Heidi's "Knock Me Up" Special. Amazingly, he doesn't run at the thought of eating Heidi's homemade cookery (you know homegirl can't cook!), though he is a bit baffled by this out-of-nowhere display of affection. She claims this is "what wives do" and brags that this spaghetti smothered in Ragu is her "mom's recipe." Meanwhile, you know this shit is rigged, because Master Manipulator Spencer is savvy enough to know a scheme when he sees one. That's his stock and trade. He plays along by giving Heidi the most suspicious-slash-dubious look ever, but if Spencer were really living up to his character, he would have closed this nickel-and-dime operation down before the plates even hit the table. She diverts his attention by offering to say grace. During which, it must be noted, she thanks God for her outfit. Seriously.

Heidi continues to look at Heidi with a stupid, confused look. He asks what's going on. She claims she's finally feeling settled into the house and the marriage and wants to start a good routine. She over-acts, giving a chipper "Mmmmmm..." at her dorm-level home cooking. Spencer ignores the obvious tip-off and takes the opportunity to thank her for demonstrating her forgiveness after he almost got a vasectomy on her. (Need I even point out how this is the most batshit-insane married people conversation ever short of the "Do you like the paté? Good, I made it out of our dog" scene in The War of the Roses. No? Good.) A little too eagerly, Heidi foists the blame on herself for putting too much pressure on him. With fierce determination and the flicker of fame-hungry demon spawn in her eyes, she vows to start fresh and stop pushing him. He asks her what's for dessert, and she tells him to get ready...

Beachelorette pad. Kristin has invited Bartender Stacie over for a mid-morning bitch 'n' booze session. She tells her she hates everyone, in particular Brody. They make catty comments about Jayde, and Kristin mopes that she got hurt again. Speaking of boys who suck, she plays a message from JB telling her he ended everything with Audrina and wants to come over to talk with her. BS proves that she knows nothing by immediately switching gears to her 13-year-old self, swooning over how nice the message was, and asking Kristin what she's going to do. Kristin says she doesn't know. She claims to be "sick of this town and all the boys in it!" A piece of leftover candy corn hits BS square in her left ear, and she remembers she's here for more than just mango margaritas. She puts on her best idea face and suggests they head out of town for a girly trip. Kristin gets a conspiratorial look and says, "We could go to Vegas..." Thought bubble over BS's head: "You mean like on vacay? Road trip!" They decide to pack and leave before they can change their minds. No second thoughts in Vegas, y'all.

Next week: Spencer finds a pregnancy test. Vegas shenanigans starring Kristin and JB. Kristin asks if he ever drove to Vegas for Audrina. The answer is: "Yes... and then I abandoned her on The Strip to earn her passage home by turning tricks. I am nothing if not a gentleman."

Discuss this episode in our forums, then relive The Hills' Biggest As-If Moments!

We begin with the contestants and Sami walking to a street on campus, where a limo greets them. What? No debrief of the shocking decision to vote off Shay? Maybe it wasn't that shocking after all. And I guess that usually DOES take half an hour, and this is a special 90 minute Biggest Loser. Hmm. Sami tells the contestants that since they've started this journey, they've undergone some remarkable transformations. And now they're heroes to a nation. To that end, each contestant is going to have to give a speech to an audience filled with people longing for inspiration. Liz says, "I'm not very good at speeches." But she sure is good at crotchety rants. Each contestant wants to be the biggest inspiration he or she can be.

Sami has a surprise to help each contestant get ready for speech day. Actually, two surprises: Tim Gunn and Tabatha Coffey! It's makeover week! I love both of these people so very much, but for entirely different reasons. Tim, of course, is the kindly yet insightful mentor we'd all like to have. And Tabatha is just a stone bitch, who can really cut some hair. I love Tabatha's Salon Takeover, if for no other reason than it's fun to guess who's going to a) cry; b) get fired. The contestants are ready for some beautification. Tim tells them that he's set up a boutique in a suite at the Four Seasons. And Tabatha is going to take them to a West Hollywood salon. Rudy needs some damn grooming, and he knows it. He admits he's gotten a bit burly in his time on the show. He is straight up lumberjack at this point.

Liz is first to enter Tim's Four Seasons boutique. Boy, does she need a makeover. The hair! Tim asks what the message of her speech is going to be, and Liz says that she wants to tell every wife, mother, and grandmother that they deserve a bit of time every day for themselves. Liz wants to look fabulous. Tim approves. Rudy goes to the boutique, and groans at the rack of button down shirts. He says he's a jeans and t-shirt kind of guy, and instantly rejects the idea of a suit. Tim tells him that a blazer is the best way to dress up jeans and a t-shirt. Rudy is still skeptical, and asks where he would wear it. Tim's like, "Take your wife to a restaurant once in a while, fool. And Applebee's doesn't count." Rudy explains to us that a flannel shirt is formal wear for him. We'll see what happens.

Rebecca is next to enter the boutique, and starts crying about the difficulty of shopping for a fat girl. She loves fashion, and is thrilled that she can now actually shop without being traumatized. Rebecca is saying goodbye to the girl that she used to be, and becoming the woman that she is. If that makes sense. Rebecca tells Tim not to cover her up. He replies that he's as proud of her as she is, and plans to show her off. Rebecca then heads off to the Warren Tricomi Salon, where Tabatha asks how short she can go. Rebecca is scared of short hair, and says it's because she has a round face. Not anymore! Tabatha says there's no reason to hide a pretty face behind long hair. She knows that the makeover can be emotional for a lot of the contestants, because they're letting go of the old person they were. The round-faced person. And embracing the new person. Who can wear short hair!

There is lots of highlighting going on at the salon, and the boys don't know what to do as they wait. So finally, they start talking about the speeches. Allen wants to talk about struggles, and what's achievable. Danny wants to talk about the underlying reason why they got so big, and so does Rudy. And speaking of Rudy, he jokingly tells Tabatha that his beard has to stay, because it matches his face. He actually is afraid to shave it off, because he thinks he'll look heavy without it. And, I mean, technically he's still kind of fat. Less fat, but what I'm saying is that the beard isn't fooling anybody, unless maybe he grows it long enough to cover his stomach. He tells Tabatha that Abraham Lincoln had a beard. She tells him that the beard's going. He should be lucky that he still has a job, whatever that job is, after tangling with Tabatha.

And then it's speech time! Rebecca has a brand new bowl cut. It suits her pretty well, though. Her dress is killer. As she waits backstage, Tim greets her and exclaims that she looks like a movie star. Rebecca feels amazing, and Tim tells her that there are 300 people in the audience waiting to be inspired. But before she goes out, there's one last surprise...her sister, Nikki! Nikki is also lovely. Rebecca is thrilled to see her, and they hug and cry and hug and cry. Watch the makeup! Nikki is in awe of Rebecca's new hourglass figure.

Danny emerges backstage wearing an argyle sweater vest! Tim tells him that he looks fantastic. This is the first time in a while that Danny has felt confident about his looks. Obesity has haunted him his entire life, and now he's 114 pounds lighter. That's so crazy. Danny looks good, and I think has had his hair dyed. Leave it to Tabatha. And Danny's family is there, too! His wife and two kids surprise greet him, and there is more hugging and crying. It's Danny who's doing the crying. Mary Claire, Danny's daughter, says it's like having a new dad.

Then there's Allen, who is not scared to wear a suit with a pink tie. He says that this is a rebirth of confidence. It's one of the best days of his life. He is surprised by his wife and daughter, and there is yet more hugging and crying! Allen is utterly surprised, despite the fact that this happens every season on the makeover episode. His wife says that the last time she saw Allen this thin was in 1993 when they got married. She can't stop saying, "Wow!" Their daughter is super cute, if too young for a dye job.

Then there's Amanda. Tim tells her that she looks spectacular. She is for sure a pretty girl. Amanda says that for the first time in her life, she doesn't feel ashamed of how she looks, and doesn't feel like a fat girl. She's breaking out of her shell, and becoming a new, better person. Amanda is surprised by her mom. Mom says that every parent wants their child to be healthy and happy, and that's what she's seeing in Amanda.

And then there's Rudy! Wearing a blazer! And beardless! Tim says that he looks fifteen years younger. And fifteen times better. Rudy's life has been changed with his 118 pound weight loss. He feels good about the way he looks. Rudy is surprised by his stone fox of a wife and their two little kids. Cuteness. And then there's Liz, who's rocking the animal print. She looks so much better, and feels prettier than she has in 20 years. Tabatha did her a solid with the haircut. It's always such a relief to see these contestants in real clothes, too. Liz is greeted by her husband and grown daughter. She's thrilled, and says that they haven't seen her thin in years.

And then it's time for speechifying! Sami welcomes the audience to the Biggest Loser / TV Guide Magazine makeover, and warns them that the contestants are going to talk at them. The audience seems game, though. The contestants emerge to standing ovations. Bob and Jillian are in the crowd, too. The contestants are very proud. Allen starts tearing up on stage and has to wipe his eyes. He's getting the opportunity to change someone's life, just like those who were on seasons past saved his. Allen talks about being a firefighter, and says it's hard when you're charged with saving the lives of others, but fear for your own. He felt like he was becoming a liability. That's when he knew that he needed to make a change, yeah, do it today. Danny talks about being heavy from an early age. He hit a turning point a few years ago when his daughter, Mary Claire, came to him and said, "I want to have a belly just like you." She's totally crying in the audience. Mary Claire interviews that she loves her dad so much, and can't wait to go on her journey. She sees herself as a little Danny. Indeed, Danny's newfound knowledge about health and fitness stands to benefit his whole family.

Rudy starts his speech by saying that when he was 12, his big sister was diagnosed with cancer. This is news to Jillian and Bob, who wonder how he's been keeping this as a secret. Shortly before Rudy's sister passed away, she told him to do something to change himself. She told him he was good looking and likable but overweight, and needed to make the change for himself. Before he knew it, Rudy weighed 442 pounds and couldn't play with his kids. Amanda talks about being overweight her entire life. She had no one event that spiked her weight gain, but rather didn't do anything to stop it and missed out on many opportunities. Rebecca says that she's been overweight since she was ten years old. She's been the chubby friend and sister, she says. Nikki cries as she interviews that Rebecca has never been a fat sister to her -- she's just been a sister.

Liz talks about how she blamed her weight gain on everything and everybody except herself. She would tell her husband that the dryer shrunk her shirt and pants. Liz wants to send a message to all the women out there. She talks about eating ice cream as she watched the weigh-ins on The Biggest Loser, and every time she would plan to change, but never did. For years, Liz took care of her husband, her business and her kids. She tried to be everything to everybody, and somewhere along the way she lost herself. Liz says you can't be everything to everybody and not take care of yourself. From this day forward, she's making herself a priority. We then get a montage of the contestants' final messages. Rudy wants to help some other large father to get off the couch. Amanda is done running away from her problems. Danny is going to finish his journey, but also wants the audience members (including us!) to start our journeys. The audience goes wild for all of them, and the contestants are proud.

After a commercial break, the glamour is over and it's time for a challenge. Sami tells the contestants that this challenge will take them to heights they've never imagined. They're going to have to cross a canyon that's 200 feet high. Each contestant has a pulley and will have to pull him or herself from one side of the canyon to the other -- a distance of 700 feet. The first person to reach the other side wins. And the winner will get a two week trip to the brand new Biggest Loser Resort at Fitness Ridge in St. George, Utah. It's grown up fat camp! Also, will the branding never end? First the protein powder, now this.

The contestants suit up and get strapped on a little plastic seat attached to the cable. Liz is freaking out, which loosens Danny up. Because it's hilarious. Liz screams and hoots and hollers and makes the safety guys promise her that she can't fall out of the front or side of the chair. The others encourage her, but Liz continues to freak out. She decides to close her eyes the entire way across. With that, the contestants are off. Rudy takes an early lead, followed by Amanda. The others can't quite get into a rhythm. As Rudy slows a bit, Amanda closes in. But it's not enough, and Rudy wins. Despite having the outward appearance of excitement, this was kind of a dull challenge. Liz is last to cross, but completes the challenge. She still can't wait to get down on solid ground, but is pretty proud that she managed to do it. It should be mentioned that the contestants are standing atop a platform that has photos of them at the start of their journey. When Sami tells them to, they cover their old photos with their fancy makeover photos. Looking good!

Back at the ranch, Bob and Jillian talk to the contestants. Jillian notes that it's been an exciting week, but they haven't been working out as much as they should. It's time for the last chance workout. Bob wonders why Allen, who's the strongest and lightest guy left, isn't winning more challenges. He talks to him one on one, and Allen says that he's been playing the game somewhat. This makes Bob nervous. Allen basically says that if he's too strong and seems like the one to beat, he's a target. He's playing the game, but it's not compromising his focus. Bob seems relatively satisfied with that. Gah! And then it's product placement time! They could cut this episode to fifteen minutes long and we'd still get in a plug for Zip-Loc bags.

Last chance workout. You know how it goes. Sweat, beatings, etc. And Dr. Phillian is chomping at the bit to talk to Rudy about his sister's death. When she brings it up, he gets immediately hostile. He says that it's one of those things in life that you have to work through. He's never been one to share his emotions, and didn't think that his sister's death was something he had to talk about with Dr Phillian. They go on a walk in which Rudy carries a giant thing, to keep up with the working out AND to symbolize the fact that he has baggage. He says that as soon as his sister got sick, his parents spent a lot more time with her at the hospital and he got shuffled around a bit to friends and family. Jillian says that he lost his sister and got abandoned at the same time. Rudy wouldn't say abandoned. Jillian would. She tells Rudy that if he doesn't understand what brought him here, he's in trouble. Rudy says what brought him there was not being able to be the father and husband he wanted to be. Why? Because he couldn't move and breathe. Why? Because he weighed 442 pounds. Why? Because he sucks in every problem and leaves it there. This is Jillian's first glimpse of a breakthrough with Rudy. She tells him that there's a deep, unresolved hurt inside of him. If he can't acknowledge that hurt, it won't get better. Jillian asks what happens when people he loves are mad at him. Rudy says that he eats. He starts to say that he's by himself, and Jillian latches on to that and yells, "You're alone! You're alone!" And abandoned! Just like she told him he was. Tah dah. Rudy admits that his talk with Jillian helped.

Weigh-in! It'll be usual this week -- the two people with the lowest percentage of weight loss will fall below the yellow line, and the others will vote to eliminate one. Danny is first to weigh in. He has lost double digits five weeks in a row, and is hoping this is the sixth. He goes from 316 to 304 for a loss of 12 pounds. He did it again! That's 3.8%. Danny has lost 126 pounds total, which is equivalent to one Jillian. Rudy is next, and goes from 324 to 308 for a loss of 16 pounds. 12 of that was the beard. Rudy has lost 134 pounds in 10 weeks, which is the most of anyone in Biggest Loser history. He's lost 4.94%, and is most certainly safe.

Allen is next, and needs to have lost more than 12 pounds to be safe. He goes from 243 to 238, for a loss of 5. Allen says that it's been a tough week. Jillian pulls her hair out and says that, at the weight Allen is at now, five is an unbelievable number. She tells him that he's 238 and solid as a rock. Allen appreciates that, but doesn't want to lose. The competition. He does still want to lose weight. Bob says that they need to keep Allen in a good head space, and prevent him from losing unhealthy amounts of weight to try to win the show. Allen has lost 2.06%.

Rebecca is next. She needs to have lost more than 7 pounds to be safe. She goes from 209 to 206 for a loss of 3. She starts to cry. Rebecca interviews that she's angry and shocked and sad. Bob's heart is broken as well. Rebecca's percentage is 1.44%. Danny and Rudy are both safe. Liz is next to weigh in. Rebecca's low numbers are freaking her out, and she foretells doom in her own weight loss. Liz needs to have lost more than 4 pounds to be safe. She goes from 206 to 203 for a loss of 3. She just shakes her head. But she's happy to be close to 200. Still, not looking good. Liz has lost 1.46%. This pushes Rebecca below the yellow line. Amanda is last to weigh in, and has to lose more than 2 pounds to stay safe. She goes from 202 to 193, for a loss of 9. Holy cow! Amanda is clearly thrilled. This is the most weight she's ever lost in a week. Amanda's percentage lost is 4.46%. This means that Liz is below the yellow line along with Rebecca.

The contestants caucus, and Liz tells the others that ultimately they have to decide who will push them. Rebecca wants to talk to Rudy and Allen, since she knows that they're the ones who are most up in the air. As Allen leaves with Rebecca, he tells Liz that she needs to show some fight if she wants to stay. Liz asks what else she can say, and Danny tells her that she needs to get some passion and say, "By God, I'll do whatever it takes." How she presents herself to Rudy and Allen could either keep her there or send her home. Rebecca tells Allen and Rudy that she can't tell them how to vote, but Liz has been under the yellow line three times compared to Rebecca's zero times. She cries and says that she doesn't want to be Liz in 25 years. Allen says that he sees two very strong competitors and determined people in Liz and Rebecca. It's a hard decision. Rebecca says that Liz got her second and third chance. She wants her second chance.

Meanwhile, Danny advises Liz to go find Allen and Rudy and plead her case. Liz enters their room and says she's there to fight. Allen asks how much Liz wants to be there. Liz says that she wants to be there, needs to be there, and deserves to be there. She's 49 years old, and this is her last chance. Rebecca is 25 and has lots of years to get her act together. And, I mean, 49 isn't all that old. Liz seems to think that she's already 112. She interviews that she has a good 20 years left of her life, and wants to live them to the fullest. I mean, living to 80 isn't such a stretch, is it? Jeez. Meanwhile, Rebecca blubbers some more about not wanting to go home.

Now it's time for the vote. Amanda of course votes for Liz, since Rebecca's her BFF. Danny of course votes for Rebecca. Sami reminds us that in the event of a tie, the person with the lowest percentage of weight loss will be eliminated. That's Rebecca. So if she gets one more vote, she's out. Rudy is next to vote, and says that it came down to trust. One person chose to play both sides of the fence when it was Blue versus Black, and Rudy lost his trust for her. That was Rebecca. With this, Rebecca has been eliminated. Sami asks if there was a specific instance that eroded Rudy's trust. He says that each team would have its own private discussions. Rebecca would always come to the Blue Team and discuss what the Black Team was discussing. Rebecca thinks this is bullshit, and is really upset about it. She says that if Rudy had trust issues with her, he should have told her five weeks ago. True enough. Rudy says that she should have been honest five weeks ago. And things go on from there in a very dramatic fashion. Rudy is such a shit stirrer! Rebecca is hurt, because Rudy is one of her closest friends there. She denies any wrongdoing. A Dr. Phillian intervention would be nice right about now.

It's time for Rebecca to say goodbye. She tells Amanda to push and get to the finals and beat all of the big boys. And then Rebecca tells us that when she came to the ranch, she weighed 279 pounds. Now, she weighs 206 pounds, and has lost 73 pounds. She's starting to become the person that she always knew she could be, and is now in the driver's seat of her life. She feels very fortunate to have stayed on the campus so long, and calls it the best experience of her life. The next time we see her, she says, she's going to look amazing as her journey continues at home. She's now the person she wanted to be her whole life.

Rebecca heads home to Des Moines, with a Biggest Loser sports bra racerback tan. Rebecca's mother, Shirley, bawls when she sees Rebecca. There's a big party for her, and Rebecca says that she's extra motivated. She throws out all of her huge clothes of yore. She can't wait to go shopping. We check in with Rebecca today, and she's running a half-marathon! She looks great, and got herself some styling running clothes. She wants all of us to know that we can run a half marathon if we want to. Eh, I'm all set, but thanks. Rebecca was always known for having a "pretty face," but now she's a pretty girl, head to toes. She cries as she nears the finish of her marathon, and talks some more about becoming the girl that she wanted to be. She thanks The Biggest Loser for an experience that has truly changed her life. Rebecca is training hard to be the at-home winner. After the Finale, she plans to pursue her dream of opening a gym for overweight children.

Potes really wants your moth control strategies! Help save her cashmere by writing to: potesypotes@gmail.com.

With only seven pairs remaining and two hours of programming, I expect there to be quite a bit of filler tonight. Which is good news for all of us, because we can breeze through all quick-like. The "getting to know you" vignettes will concern both how the dancers got into dancing, as well as embarrassing childhood photos and videos, both of which will only get mentioned if they're interesting.

Jakob and Ashleigh are up first, and they've drawn a Napoleon and Tabitha hip-hop routine. We learn that Jakob has never not been adorable, be it during his "chunky" years or when he and his pals danced the "Bye Bye Bye" dance at a talent show. Seeing how young Jakob clearly was when "Bye Bye Bye" came out is enough to make me weep in a corner until Death's imminent arrival. Tabitha and Napoleon's routine is about a couple where the guy cheated on the girl. They're going heavy with the characterization in rehearsals, which makes me skeptical for the quality of the dancing, but I've loved these two throughout, so who knows?

They're dancing to "Whatcha Say" by Jason Derulo, which of course heavily samples that Imogen Heap song that -- among many other things -- Mia Michaels choreographed so beautifully to in the second season. The routine starts off real stupid, with Ashleigh reading a text message on Jakob's phone which is then projected on the backdrop. And that is the extent of what is bad, because once the dancing starts, Jakob Karr KILLS THAT SHIT. He's fast, he's precise, he's on rhythm -- it's some of the best hip-hop dancing by a non hip-hopper that I've ever seen on this show. And he's completely in character, putting some oily slickness on his movements to make him seem extra smarmy. Ashleigh totally keeps up with him, but if I'm, being honest, I only really looked at her when they pulled off this amazing flip (Ashleigh does a hand-stand, puts her legs around Jakob's head, pulls herself up, then drops back into standing position). I'm pretty blown away by this whole endeavor, I must say.

Nigel gives props to "Nappy Tabs" (sigh) and loved the gimmick (double sigh) before heaping praise upon both dancers. Weirdly, though he calls out Jakob's four straight weeks of flawlessness, it's Ashleigh who gets the more extended props, for her growth and how she hasn't ridden Jakob's coattails. And he's right, but I worry that Jakob's excellence is being taken for granted at the expense of the dancers who are "growing" and "learning." Oh SHIT, is this what it's like to root for Danny and Brandon and Will? Mary's even worse, saying her eyes kept getting drawn to Ashleigh before basically saying "you too, Jakob." Even Adam, my dear Adam, speed-reads past Jakob to get to Ashleigh. PEOPLE! Get your shit together. Don't let this amazing dancer get overlooked.

Next up are Kevin, Karen, and of course Karen's Sensssyewality. Karen studied at the Martha Graham studio in New York and talks about not understanding the dance terms, so she just sat back and observed and "learned the language of dance." So she learned the language of dance by... learning. Huh. Meanwhile, Kevin's great dance memory was dancing at a Michael Jackson tribute. You know, back in the days three months ago. He talks about getting emotional and feeling like he WAS Michael Jackson. Look, I'm glad Wade Robson now has someone to talk to about his weird MJ issues, but this definitely makes me think Kevin is strange. Sorry.

They'll be dancing a Broadway number choreographed by newbie Spencer Liff (hellooooo, Spencer Liff!). All three appear to agree that Karen and Kevin were not prepared for how difficult this style would be. They're dancing to "If My Friends Could See Me Now," from Sweet Charity (sung here by Christina Applegate, but drilled into your brain in the '80s by one Kathie Lee Gifford). I dunno, guys, maybe it's the song, but there is just ZERO energy from Kevin and Karen on this one. It feels like they're running through the steps in rehearsal rather than a real performance. Their characters are just not coming through, which I think would be a cardinal sin in Broadway, and Kevin in particular seems mighty stiff.

Nigel feels like they totally missed the humor in the piece, which was essential. He also chalks Karen's shortcomings up to the fact that the routine didn't require her to be "sexual," which feels low-blow-adjacent. Mary calls it "safe" and knocks Kevin for his high shoulders (yes) and awkwardness. Adam patronizes Kevin a bit with the "you're a hip-hopper doing BROADWAY" stuff, but he does say it's nice to see Karen not playing the sensssssyewal role this time.

Russell and Noelle are next, and they'll be doing a foxtrot with choreographer Eddie Simon. Eddie confirms my suspicion that Russell already danced this in Week 1 (with Melanie, when Noelle was injured). But I guess you get to repeat styles if you both didn't dance the original. Or something. You guys, this mysterious process of picking the genres fascinates me. Obviously, I have a functioning brain so I don't believe these are truly random. But sometimes the choices are so wonky that I wonder if maybe there's more randomness than I think? Either way, I feel like FOX could do far, FAR worse than televising a half-hour of dancers drawing their new styles on Friday nights. It'd have to get better ratings than Dollhouse, right?

Dancing to Michael Buble (oy), the dance feels slow for a foxtrot, but it does give you a chance to check out their form, which is pretty great, especially on Noelle. I'm gonna go out on a limb and risk the hate mail and just say it: Noelle outshines Russell this week. I mean, really, they're both great together, but if any of them is carrying the other this week, it's her. They pull off a rather impressive looking flip that ends up with Noelle upside down atop Russell's shoulders. And, as Cat notes, they really looked like they were having a great deal of fun, which made it fun to watch.

Nigel says Russell "vastly improved" over his first 'trot. Mary praises him for doing so well "outside [his] comfort zone" and notes the difficulty of a foxtrot because it's so slow (which...shows what I know about ballroom). Adam loved their "joy" and "confidence." Of the three, only Mary gives any kind of specific praise to Noelle, noting how her footwork and transitions and all that other technical ballroom stuff that Mary is shockingly good at -- Noelle got all that right. But the overall impression from the judges seemed to be that this was Russell's show, and I definitely disagree.

Channing and Victor are up next. Channing's attempt to get her personality across can be summed up thusly: "I dressed up like a cat once." Poor girl. She seems lovely, but there's just no interest in her. Meanwhile, Victor remains insanely adorable. This is not news. They draw jazz (yay!) with Tyce (CRAP). The conceit is that they're both "jazzy, eclectic blackbirds," which: this has been done quite a bit on this show, right? With the birds? We see a lot of Tyce yelling at them, Tyce smirkily interviewing about how he yelled at them, and Channing and Victor giving barely-veiled "we kinda hated him" comments to the camera.

The routine involves a giant cage in the middle of the stage (okay?) and is performed to Bobby McFerrin singing "Blackbird." Man, that is so many strikes, I can barely count. Also: you are so not Mia Michaels, Tyce. The "bars" of the cage appear to be ropes of bungee cords or something elastic, so there's a lot of climbing and pulling to start. The song is super low-energy, which is a problem (and Tyce's fault) in that it leaves their movements somewhat stranded. There also isn't enough interplay between them, and for a routine that's supposed to be about birds, there are too few moments where it feels like birds. On the bright side, Victor moves his body so beautifully I can barely stand it. But check out the past four weeks now: Two contemporary routines in which he was 1) BRILLIANT and 2) excellent but got dinged for getting an easy draw; and two Tyce Diorio routines where the choreo was seriously lacking. If Victor goes home this week (which has supplanted H1N1 as my fear of choice), I know who I'm blaming.

Cat calls the dancers over and points out that Victor has a "war wound" -- Channing "pecked" him a little too vigorously and he ended up with five stitches juuust above his eye which is exactly where I got stitches when I was a kid I love you Victor! "I wanted six, though, to represent Season 6, like a battle wound? But they wouldn't give it to me." You guys? I may need to take a moment. A moment to ponder Victor's extreme cuteness. And then Nigel ruins it all by giving him the kiss of death and saying he's good but he hasn't grown. Hey Nigel, can we possibly get rid of the dancers who haven't been any good yet (kevinkevinkevin) before we start sideswiping the good ones who "haven't grown"? Please? Mary echoes Nigel's "good but not a star" faint praise. Adam reflects Mary and Nigel's thoughts on Channing, which is that she's finally making a positive impression on them. He also thinks Victor is "fantastic" but wanting. Whatever. The important part is that he calls into question the Bobby McFerrin song, and how it kept him from getting into the performance (Nigel agrees). Adam says it's not Tyce's fault (it is) and that it was very "smart" choreography (it wasn't), but this is yet again Adam showing a willingness to question the choreo, at least a little. It's welcome. P.S. Save Victor.

Kathryn and Legacy! Paso Doble! Let's do this. (Are we going to ignore Legacy calling himself a "rebel" vis-à-vis his childhood videos? Yes, we are.) Tony Meredith is the choreographer (sans Melanie LaPatin??) and rather than give the usual bullfighter/cape spiel, he tells us this routine will be about a returning admiral and his concubine. Okay, then! The production values go into HIGH DRAMA as we see the rehearsals, culminating in Legacy splitting his pants. And on that note...

To start with, I should note that Legacy has heroically thrown off the shackles of his shirt, because no mere cloth can stand between him and his lady. The routine, being a paso doble, is full of drama and crashing music and lots of spinning. Ballroom was always going to be a challenge for Legacy, and indeed Kathryn's the one carrying this performance. But he's keeping up pretty well -- there are a few times you can see him counting out steps, and the end (a giant spin on the floor, followed by Kathryn leaping into Legacy's arms and wrapping herself around his midsection) is seriously choppy and hesitant. I'd grade Kathryn a A- and Legacy a B-, all things considered.

After the break (loooots of time to kill), Nigel and Adam talk about the shirtless admiral they see before them (Adam notes that plenty of his friends would like to join that Navy, which draws that weird, overly shocked reaction from Nigel because Nigel could not be weirder about the gay). Nigel raves about Kathryn's "intensity and passion," then remarks about Legacy's constant practicing, down to practicing moves in the hallway. Cat calls Legacy "you geek" and asks to see what he was doing. It's adorable. Mary loved Kathryn and totally glosses over Legacy's technical shortcomings because of his strong character work. Adam thinks Kathryn killed it (yes) and points out how Legacy's stamina has improved by leaps and bounds. He says Legacy's an "inspiration" to breakdancers, because he's "no longer a breakdancer" but a "dancer, straight across." I'll leave the message boards to their inevitable outrage at that statement and move on.

Cat then kicks it to a video package about the Dizzy Feet foundation. It's bringing dance opportunities to people who wouldn't have normally gotten them, and that's amazing. This segment would normally get the FF treatment from me but for appearances from Debbie Allen (call the fire department, honey, I miss you!) and Mia Michaels (who still has her hair in this clip, so this was clearly before she quit, aka The Day the Celine Dion Music Died). Also? Little kids talking about why they love dancing? Try and resist that. Cat announces an all-star gala to be held on November 29th that'll feature dancers from SYTYCD, Dancing with the Stars, America's Best Dance Crew, the Step Up movies, and many, many more. I don't think it's going to be televised, which is a shame, but no doubt we'll see highlights after the fact.

Ellenore and Ryan were fortunate enough to draw a Travis Wall contemporary routine. The theme is that they're a couple reunited after ten years, and watching the joy on Travis's face as Ryan and Ellenore put his idea into motion is one of the best things I have seen all night. On stage, in front of an autumn backdrop, Ryan and Ellenore bump into each other, hold an impossibly long staredown, and then go right into the routine. It's really very beautiful, and what struck me was how great of a team these two make. His weaknesses flow into her strengths and vice versa, and in a routine like this, where there's so much connection and interplay with each other, it starts to get hard to see where one begins and the other ends. Ryan's strength is a platform for Ellenore's agility; her gracefulness bleeds into his occasional struggles to get low to the ground. Playing into the idea of a couple whose old rhythms are found to be easily re-established, they're a perfect fit.

Nigel says they lucked out pulling Travis this week, as this was his favorite routine of the night. He praises Ryan's strength and notes the choreographers' collective love of Ellenore's adaptability (though he worries that may make her feel less distinct to America). He also calls Ryan the "best ballroom dancer who has ever done contemporary," which is annoying because it forces me to become Fact-Checky McGillicuddy, and ... better than Lacey? Jury's still out for me on that. Mary, and all the judges really, continues to gush love at Travis Wall from all directions. It would seem excessive if he didn't deserve all of it and more for having to lose to Benji. Mary also starts crying as she tells Ryan that he's an inspiration for ballroom dancers who may shy away from this show because of the different styles. She quotes her grandma, saying they were "like walking on tall cotton." I kind of like that. Adam feels like this is the first catch-your-breath moment of the season.

One more to go! Nathan and Mollee will dance a pop-jazz routine for Laurie-Ann Gibson. OH SHIT. In case anybody felt that these two didn't get enough punishment last week, I guess. It delights me to tell you that Laurie-Ann has shaved a portion of her head into a half-mohawk. This dance appears to have much to do with... screaming? Sure. So they all scream at each other for a while before Laurie-Ann informs the kids that they gave her goosebumps. What a softie!

Dancing to "Bad Romance" by Lady Gaga, this feels like a lovers-on-the-run type of deal. True to Laurie-Ann's militaristic form, there's a lot of symmetrical movement, a lot of bounding around the stage, if not very much interaction. I dunno, it's okay. Mollee and Nathan both dance it quite well -- after last week, it's important to note that they're both incredibly good at this dancing thing. I'm just not sure this routine called for them to show much of it.

Nigel, predictably, praises how much better they were this week than last week. Though he does tell Nathan he needs to keep improving, because Russell, Ryan, Jakob, and Legacy are becoming better dancers than he is. Mary says it was really good, though it didn't give her chills. She offers a "restrained" scream. Adam notes that Nathan, who said in his video package he always got what he wanted, will not find that this competition will come easy to him, and he and Mollee need to make their chemistry more about just being cute. He also shouts out Laurie-Ann as a scary bitch he would not want to meet in a dark alley. Yeah... no.

Rundown! In my order of preference: 1) Jakob and Ashleigh, 2) Ellenore and Ryan, 3) Kathryn and Legacy, 4) Noelle and Russell, 5) Channing and Victor, 6) Mollee and Nathan, 7) Karen and Kevin.

Asked who's in trouble, all three judges name Karen and Kevin (duh), though I'd guess Victor and Channing are hanging by a thread, too. If I had to place a bet? Kevin and Channing. But perhaps that's wishful thinking.

Joe R wants to hand out gold stars to the underpraised Jakob, Noelle, and Victor this week. Questions, comments, and unadulterated love can be sent to him at joseph.reid21@gmail.com.

Wow, you can tell that everyone is nervous and no one wants to go home tonight. All of the stars look like they are about the throw up, except Joanna, who looks like she wants to cut a bitch, but maybe that's her nervous face. Len announces that they want to see Mya and Dmitry's salsa again. Rewatching it tonight, I am really struck by the intricacy of some of the moves and how quickly they are happening, and Mya and Dmitry pull them off without a hitch. It's like he's throwing her under his leg and then grabbing her head and she's moving her legs around and it all happens in under two seconds and it flows smoothly. It's really impressive.

Let's quickly review what happened last night. Kelly r