We cut to Ella lying on her apartment floor doing crunches and I cut to needing oxygen as the camera pans over her taut, contracting... ihagwixgev3nas. Lauren comes home from what we can assume was some whoring. She's surprised to find Ella home, to which Ella replies she had a client cancel a meeting. Naturally, Ella senses an opportunity to be nosey about her friend. All of the signs seem to point to Lauren sleeping with a married guy. I'm sure there have been some married men in there somewhere, Ella. There's some effort from Ella to try to get Lauren to confide, but nothing doing.

Back at the bar of infidelity, Jonah is finishing up telling some unfunny anecdote involving a guy running from a dog while carrying a chicken. This guy -- full of win. Coming down from the laughter high, Jonah is so happy he's found someone who "gets [his] vision" and he tells Kendra so. He stops himself so he can tell himself that he can't believe he said that without irony. I can't believe this guy is talking to himself and still attracting this woman. He forgot to address himself as "self" first. That's probably how he's doing this. Kendra has seen enough. She's ready to flop the river Yahtzee. Very deliberately, she shifts on her barstool to lean in and kiss Jonah. Jonah doesn't back away; at least, not at first he doesn't. The little angel on Jonah's shoulder which is probably the guy who's kept Jonah and Riley together this whole time (we hate him, yes?) makes Jonah reveal to Kendra that he is engaged. She, of course, flips and calls for the check. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid Jonah.

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At Coal, Auggie's doing his cook thing. Violet comes in to gush from at least two orifices about Auggie's awesomeness. OK, I apologize; that was terrible, but it's totally what's happening. She's going on about how what Auggie is cooking smells great. Auggie offers to let her try it, but instructs her to close her eyes first. Not sure why, but Violet is hesitant to do so. Finally, she agrees and Auggie proceeds to spoon feed her his concoction. She chews, eyes closed for way too long. She points out she noticed a hint of saffron. I'm just mad about saffron. Auggie seems impressed Violet has developed a bit of a palate. Just then, Marcello comes in to talk shit like is his wont. He takes the opportunity to zing Violet this time as well, wondering aloud if Violet's next aspiration is to be a cook. Auggie starts to tell Marcello about his latest food invention, but Marcello isn't sold on the idea. Auggie convinces him to try it after they argue over the culinary theory behind his concept. Marcello has to try really hard this time not to be impressed. Auggie hopes that if he makes some changes, this dish can be considered to be on the new menu Marcello is making at the request of Mason, the owner of Coal. Marcello thinks not. Violet tries to defend Auggie's work, saying she would order it if it was on the menu. "Not in this restaurant," is Marcello's reply. It's like he's their asshole father telling them that while they're under his roof, they'll eat pork chops -- only a lot less macho. The guy's wearing a smock, for crying out loud.

It's "random make-out with a strange woman" time for David. They're out in the dark of The Complex Courtyard by themselves. David props the girl up on a ledge. Things get heated and the girl stops to ask if David wants to get high. Since you put it that way, sure. She pulls out a perfectly rolled marijuana cigarette and puts it between her teeth to transfer it to David's lips. Detective Rodriguez shows up to kill the buzz. The chick blows the joint (yup) and leaves David to talk with the detective when he clarifies he's there investigating homicide, not small-time drug possession. Rodriguez is all about the posturing, but he reminds us that his investigation has actually made a little progress through the Ella avenue. I wish I could say the same thing for myself. Rodriguez wants David to come clean about his and Ella's alibi being fake so he can get her on an obstruction of justice charge, but David won't turn in his friend. The detective turns it around on David, citing noise complaints from neighbors which paint a picture of a rocky relationship between him and Sydney. David says they had problems like any couple, but Sydney was there for him. FLASHBACK. David kneels at his mother's grave, bawling his eyes out. A hankie extends to him from off camera. David looks up to meet Sydney for the first time. She gives him some words of comfort that deviate from the standard "time heals all wounds" bullshit. David appreciates Sydney being real with him. Sydney asks him out to breakfast on the spot. They shake hands for way too long as the camera rotates around them in a weird Matrix-y way. Slow-motion blurry cross-fade transition to them making love in Sydney's bed. END FLASHBACK. Rodriguez just wants David to confirm him and Ella weren't together the night of the murder. The detective isn't a slouch and has deduced that David must have some illegal way of living beyond his means. He threatens David with exposing him if he doesn't come clean about the alibi.

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Love Nest. Jonah lies awake on his back next to Riley who is fast asleep facing away from him in the fetal position. Her alarm goes off and she stirs awake. Naturally, Riley wants to know where her significant other was when he went AWOL the night before. Jonah avoids giving a definitive answer. Luckily, Jonah checks a text to find his buddy Travis can't help him with a film shoot of a wedding today, so he needs to get over there. Perfect! He can get away from Riley. Riley offers to tag along and help. Shit!

At WPK, Caleb is calling shots on his phone. Somebody named Jesse Roberts has overdosed. Caleb snares Ella to get her up to speed on what's going on with this kid. Jesse is stable and at ULA. Ella connects this storyline for us to Lauren. Thanks, Ella. Would've never thought of that.

At Coal, Violet enters to warn Auggie that Mason, the owner, is on his way in. He walks in with Marcello and... is that Rick Fox? Never mind. I've already stopped caring whether it is or not. Mason/Rick Fox is eager to see what Marcello has come up with for new entrees. Marcello lays out a number of plates in front of him, to which Mason complains they look too small of portions. Marcello gets a look of panic on his face before declaring he's got one entrée up his sleeve that he thought of last night. He then details Auggie's recipe right in front of him. Auggie is simmering in his own juices and asks Marcello through his teeth what kind of sauce he'll be using. Marcello responds with Auggie's saffron idea. Rick Fox probably couldn't care less and probably only understood one word out of all of that foodie talk, so he agrees to see what Marcello's got and they walk off together. Violet comes up to clarify that "that's, like, cooking plagiarism." Violet, that's, like, so insightful. Auggie rationalizes that he needs to follow the chain of command if he wants to ever get promoted. Violet isn't listening to all that jive. "From here, it looks like your chain is being yanked." From here, it looks like Violet just yanked it again.

Riley is being the annoying girlfriend already, as she and Jonah arrive at the wedding. Riley's still asking about what's bothering him. She can sense something's up. You think? You're not even married yet, and your fiancé is already trying to avoid you. Riley gets the great idea that they should try to have fun together today. Jonah grudgingly agrees. Who doesn't like fun?

ULA. Ella walks in to Jesse's hospital room. The guy looks a mess. Ella first makes sure the guy's OK and then tries to find out exactly what happened. Suddenly, it occurs to Ella to ask if Jesse has any allergies. Jesse is allergic to penicillin. YES! There's your spin right there. Ella's executive decision on this is to lock Jesse in his room and cut off his contact to the outside world. She implores him one final time to keep away from the nose candy, otherwise he'll "power lunch with River Phoenix." Jesse responds with a blank look. Ella, incredulously to herself: "Who's River Phoenix? Oh, God, kill me now." Love you, Ella. Lauren enters the room, wondering who paged her. Ella did, of course. Lauren and Ella step out of the room together so Ella can ask a favor. It's important that they keep this story from breaking, because Jesse is the biggest tween icon client WPK has. He's supposedly as big for them as Zac Efron and the Jonas Brothers rolled in one. She wants Lauren to fudge documents to say it was a penicillin reaction. Lauren is not cool with that at all. Then Ella starts doing her thing. Maybe WPK will make a nice donation to the hospital or Jesse could come read to kids in the children's ward when he gets better. Ella then plays the money card. She can offer Lauren a few thousand dollars in incentive. Let's allow the part-time hooker to ponder finances for a bit.

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WPK. Ella walks in the building and Caleb is already on her. Without really listening to Ella, he decides he doesn't want to take any risks and wants to pay Lauren $50,000. Ella tries to reason with him that this might not be a necessary expense, but Caleb has already said his piece. Ella turns around to find David. He wants to talk about his encounter with Detective Rodriguez. Ella gets a little fluttery, since she probably has a good idea what this is about. This is about David now being aware that Ella was lying even to him about what was going on the night of Syd's death. David is sure the private investigator Ella hired to break into Sydney's apartment didn't kill her. He's concerned because he's self-aware of how he can get when he's as drunk as he was on that night. Ella quips that she figures he just ends up in bed with some "double-bagger." Oh, Ella, you are a beacon of awesomeness in a sea of meh. David clarifies that he can get really angry when that drunk. FLASHBACK. Sydney is getting dressed up to go out and talking about it to David who's across the room, but David looks a mess and starts confronting her about sleeping with his dad. He grabs her violently by the arm as she tries to calm him down. He's crying and entirely upset because he says he loved her and he feels used. David calls Sydney a whore and she slaps him across the face. END FLASHBACK. Ella asks David if he really thinks he could've killed Sydney. He says he doesn't know.

Back at the wedding, Jonah's trying to get set up and Riley starts talking about their own wedding and how she wants a band. Jonah disagrees with that idea and makes a veiled remark about not thinking they were considering the other person's feelings on the matter. Just then, one of the bridesmaids comes over to say she wants them to make sure they capture how in love the bride and groom are on this day. Awkward.

Ella walks into Lauren's room looking for her, but she's gone, so she decides to snoop a little bit instead when she notices Lauren has some nice, new lingerie lying about. She walks into Lauren's closet and finds a fairly obvious envelope filled with a stack of hundreds. Lauren appears behind her and asks what Ella's doing, and Ella fires the same question right back at her, gloriously punctuating it by calling Lauren "pretty woman." I am changing Ella's name to Brevity, because she is the soul of wit.

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Ella is totally wise to what's going on, but Lauren refuses to admit defeat in the face of hooker exposure. She says the money is poker winnings from her dad, and she's dressed up for an intern luncheon. Ella humors Lauren, but persists in WPK's offer of $50,000 for the forged medical records. Lauren gets upset that Ella can't understand Lauren's career comes first. Funny, she didn't seem so mad about being accused of being a prostitute.

Back at the Wedding of Futures Past, Jonah is filming the vows, and it's all the standard cliché stuff. In it, there's of course mention of being completely honest with each other and blah blah blah. Jonah looks over to see Riley crying at how beautiful it all is. He goes over after the ceremony to talk to her and that's when he decides to reveal he kissed Kendra, but he douchedly uses it as a trap to spring on Riley so he can come down on her hard for kissing Auggie. That's dash cunning of him. He gets to cheat without any blame. He claims that he needed to tell Riley immediately after what he did and he can't understand how she could go weeks without telling him about Auggie. Jonah walks away from Riley without a resolution. It's very much like that Aaliyah song.

David's Porsche pulls up alongside a construction yard, and he suddenly has some fragmented flashes of sneaking into that very construction yard at night and then, FLASHBACK, he remembers he woke up the night of Syd's murder covered in blood with a knife in his hand. You'd think you'd remember something like that even if you were really drunk before you blacked out. He jumps out of bed and follows the trail of blood, which leads out of the apartment and to Sydney's body floating in the pool. Flash forward to David burying the knife in the construction yard. END FLASHBACK. David runs into the yard with a shovel and starts digging. There's no knife.

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At Coal. Marcello's being an asshole, but what's new? Riley walks up to Auggie with Violet and Riley asks for a moment of his time. They walk off into a quiet corner of the kitchen together and she tells him they can't be friends anymore because her relationship with Jonah comes first. Auggie's stunned, but he absorbs the blow to make this easier on the girl he obviously likes. That Auggie is a stand-up guy.

Ella walks into Jesse's hospital room, where Caleb is chomping at the bit to get his hands on the forged medical records, which Ella does not have. Caleb can't believe they couldn't buy off a nurse. Ella ignores this mistaken labeling of Lauren on Caleb's part and says it's time for plan "B," which involves them letting the story go public and controlling it from there. She theorizes that letting the tabloids have the story will humble Jesse and force him to get healthy while allowing them to control the spin. It might also propel him from teeny bopper to leading man status. Caleb buys it. Ella starts to leave and turns back to correct Caleb that Lauren isn't a nurse. "She's going to be the finest doctor in this hospital one day." Don't forget she also has a killer rate on half-and-halves.

Coal. Auggie's cooking when Marcello comes up to do his patented Marcello criticism of Auggie's work. He then starts harping on Auggie taking time to chat with Riley while on the clock. Marcello takes it a step further by objectifying Riley and talking about how he'd love to have her for dessert. Auggie warns him to stop, but Marcello is Marcello. Finally, Auggie snaps, as has been telegraphed all episode, and goes berserk on his boss, totally beating his ass. Violet comes up and shrieks for Auggie to stop as the other cooks try to hold him back. They finally peel him off, but not before Marcello is semi-unconscious.

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Violet knocks on Auggie's door. He answers shirtless and is too listless to care whether or not Violet comes in. She tries her best to cheer him up. Auggie says he just lost control like he was out of his body. Violet looks like she wants to lick his wounds, literally. Suddenly, Auggie kisses her... then pushes her away. He shouldn't have, he says. Yes he should have, she says. They fall onto the couch together and start to tear each other's clothes off. Good for them.

Police station. Rodriguez looks gloomy as he gazes upon the evidence board for Syd's murder investigation. Another detective walks in with David's knife in an evidence bag. It was turned in by a construction worker, so we're sure it's the same knife. The size of the knife makes it consistent with Syd's wounds. Case closed! Please?

Eerie transition to a cemetery at night. David's on a knee at Sydney's grave. "I'm so sorry, Syd. I'm so sorry." What for? Crying over graves twice in one episode?

Jonah's on the phone accepting a date somewhere. He sounds almost as happy as he was at the bar with Kendra. Riley walks in and hears the end of the conversation. She tells Jonah what she did in regards to her friendship with Auggie. Jonah sounds guilty about it, saying he didn't tell her to do that. Plus, he reveals that it was indeed Kendra he has made plans to see, but he insists it will be professional and he needs to keep seeing her for the sake of this opportunity for his career. He and Riley end up out on the balcony together with no answers to their problem. "Where do we go from here?" Riley asks to Jonah, but it might as well be to no one in particular. After a minute or so of silence, Jonah just turns and walks off. Too bad you already screwed up with Kendra.

Ella walks in on Lauren studying in their apartment. She goes straight into apologizing for trying to buy Lauren and asking her to compromise her ethics. After resolving that all of the WPK stuff with Jesse is going to turn out fine, Lauren asks Ella if she plans to share her hooker theory about her with anyone. Ella says she hasn't told anyone and won't bring it up again. How convenient. Also, she'll be there to talk about it if Lauren wants to. Lauren says there's nothing to talk about. Glad we had this talk, roomie. To move on from this ordeal, Ella suggests a Julia Roberts marathon. Niiiiice. Lauren preemptively flips about further Pretty Woman jokes. Ella teases she was talking about Steel Magnolias. "Closest I come to that crying thing you people sometimes do." I knew it! She was too perfect. She's a robot, guys. This show just got interesting.

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Fittingly, as we see the title card reading "If I Had a Hammer," we hear Trinity singing an analogous religio-folksy tune in the middle of a church service. I would also very much like to believe that this image of John Lithgow standing at the front of a congregation would lead to one or more Footloose allusions, but in reality, the bulk of the irony at the moment is being used up on Trinity singing a song about being "washed in the blood of the lamb."

Anyway, Dexter stands among the congregation, singing along while his voice-over natters on about all the surveillance he's been doing on Trin (we see flashes of Trinity and fam doing their daily routines and learn he's a high school teacher). As always, Dexter's VO is half contempt and half admiration at Trinity's ability to blend into normal society so seamlessly.

Back home, evidence of Dexter's inability to do the same comes as we see Dex is moving all his stuff from his bachelor pad to the family homestead, apparently on Rita's orders. Not that it's made Rita one iota less furious at him. Dex can't seem to find a place for his metaphor -- err, lamp, not that Rita cares. She tells him there's food in the fridge if he's hungry, but when he says he could go for a sandwich, she turns and icily tells him they're out of bread. DVO thinks she has to forgive him eventually...right? She tells him she's made an "emergency" appointment with a new therapist, because of course these marital problems are urgent, or doesn't Dexter think so? Honestly, it's one thing that Rita's being written as a raging bitch this season -- it's not subtle and fairly inelegant but I see where the writers feel it's necessary. But honestly? It's the passive-aggressiveness, combined with those easy jabs at therapy-culture, that really make me hate her. They do know they've written Rita past the point of no return for most fans, right?

Anyway, later on, Deb asks Dexter for a ride in to the station (looks like she's still staying in Astor's room) -- they're interrogating Nikki Wald again. She's confessed to everything but shooting her and Lundy. While DVO plays to the Helen Keller crowd (reminding us that's because Trinity shot her and Lundy, though Dexter doesn't want her to know that), Dexter gets a call about a bludgeoning downtown. Debra correctly guesses the address and knows it's the third Trinity victim. Deb's expression is half pride that she and Lundy had the right spot and half raging regret that they were both gunned down before they could stop it. Dexter tells her it's going to be okay. DVO: "Because I'm going to kill him for you." No, really. That's what it's come to. The show isn't quite sure we all realize that Dexter kills people, pretty much constantly, so they need to throw in that extra crutch just so we don't forget and start wondering when he's going to start selling weed or transition into the housewife personality. DVO, you're on probation until you can find something useful to say.

At the crime scene, Dexter photographs the victim (poor dead Sandwich Guy) as DVO notes (he's still on probation, but this should be noted) that Trinity, having completed his cycle, will have his guard down and be easier to catch. Dexter's trying not to give too much useful information to Masuka and Quinn -- he's trying to get Trinity dead, not arrested. The best he offers them is that the perp was taller than the victim, given the spatter pattern. "Duh!" scoffs Masuka. Dex then mentally notes the victim's right arm was moved to point to a spot on the wall. He tries to be smooth and collect the dirt smudge particles from off the wall, but Masuka catches him and wants all the non-blood evidence he can get. Miami Metro: 1, Dexter: 0.

Back at the corpse, Masuka notes the bloody pattern on his forehead suggests a framing hammer. DVO: "Duh!" Okay, DVO, that was a good one. Dex asks Masuka how he knows so much about hammers. Masuka: "There's not a tool I haven't played with, my friend." Ew, Vince. Ew.

Meanwhile Trinity's out in his garage, whistling that same churchy song and cleaning off his killin' hammer. Really cleaning it, too, with bleach and everything. You could eat someone's brains off of that thing.

At the station, Deb watches Angel interrogate Nikki on the monitor. Nikki denies being at the hotel the night Lundy and Deb were shot, and Deb obviously thinks the "fucking junkie whore" is lying. Quinn shuts the TV off, telling Deb she shouldn't be watching. Nikki's gonna get sent away for a long time anyway, but they just have no way to pin the Lundy killing on her. Clearly, this is not good enough for Deb, but what can she do?

Angel, similarly frustrated, vents to LaGuerta about not getting Nikki to confess. LaGuerta says the brass wants the case kicked to County anyway, much as it frustrates all of them to leave Deb and Lundy's attack unsolved. Angel notes that he hasn't told anyone about his transfer yet (Maria hasn't done the paperwork either). He tries to put a rosy spin on it -- better hours and pay on the Fraud beat, plus he won't get shot at from behind his desk. LaGuerta laments that he hates sitting behind a desk, but Angel counters that he loves being with her. And she shouldn't beat herself up about telling Matthews about them. Just once, I want a show about a cop who LOVES his desk job. It can be on after the show about the lawyer who always takes the plea bargain.

At couples' therapy, Rita weepily plows through half a box of Kleenex, while Dexter sits there nonplussed by all these weird emotions. Is it at all strange that Dexter hasn't tried to fake emotions of remorse, regret, and intimacy with Rita over these last couple episodes? Hadn't he gotten pretty good at imitating regular people? Whatever, I'll ignore those questions for the moment because I see their therapist is being played by Roma Maffia, a.k.a. Liz from Nip/Tuck! It's weird seeing her as a character who isn't being completely abused and humiliated. Dexter makes the mistake of thinking the apartment is the issue here, which leads Rita to be all, "See! See! He never listens and he's always up in his head, and whenever he speaks it's all lies." "Not...all lies," says Dexter, unexpectedly truthful. Rita brings up the dread specter of Lila, as if I wasn't already feeling hostile towards her, but Dr. Roma Maffia does interject that, given the Lila situation and the (supposed) drug addiction, she kind of knew Dexter was secretive before she married him. Can't go expecting men to change! She's got you there! Rita (sincerely) and Dexter (probably not sincerely) agree that they don't want to keep on making the same mistakes. Unless Dex can be completely honest with her, Rita doesn't want to stay together.

Back at work, Dexter's in that room where he bashes plaster skulls full of red goo in order to simulate spatter patterns. Which I've always been dubious of, to be honest. Wouldn't the blood pressure within a human head cause significant differences in spatter from a fake head with red corn syrup inside? I mean, whatever, it's a great and creepy visual, but it seems like shoddy police work. Anyway, so here's Dexter, cracking fake skulls like they're ostrich eggs, trying to see which kind of hammer Trinity used (they want to be able to track the purchase of the model number.) LaGuerta's getting impatient at Dexter's (intentional) slowness. What nobody expected, of course, was that Masuka would be having the week of his life. He shows up with a DNA report -- yes, that smudge Dexter found was cremated human remains (much like the ones we saw Trinity spread at the suicide-mom crime scene), including a bone fragment, and he was able to make out two strands of DNA, one from the remains, and one from the saliva used to get it to stick to the wall. Masuka's feeling it today. And not in the way he's usually feeling it. LaGuerta tells him to run it through their databases (though DVO says he's already checked and Arthur Mitchell isn't in any of the police databases).

Deb's at her desk, watching her phone ring and refusing to answer. Angel comes by and, not unkindly, asks for the Vacation Murders file back. Deb's apparently been poring over it, looking for some hole in Nikki's testimony. Nothing so far. Angel tells her she shouldn't even be here -- she's on sick leave. Of course, that'd be worse for Deb than getting shot again, so you can see why she lingers. She checks her messages and finds she has a returned call from a "Valerie Hodges," who has some information on Harry Morgan. And whether it's the prospect of actually finding out something about Harry she doesn't want to know, or Angel telling her to quit working already, Deb gets spooked and hangs up. Honestly, Operation Harry's Tarnished Halo is really not what Deb needs right now.

Back home, Dexter makes a concerted effort to share something honest with Rita. To really communicate with her. Only he can't settle on an appropriate topic that wouldn't scare her off or reveal too much of himself, and by the time he mentally settles on the subject of food, Rita's out of the room with a terse (yet ironic), "We're out of bread."

At church Dexter stares at the Family Trinity not at all conspicuously, and voices over his clear jealousy that he's been able to keep killing and keep a family all these years. Particularly when Dexter observes that Trinity's not faking it. He really is a caring husband and father. How does he do it? Dexter needs to find out.

Oddly, though Dexter certainly was ambling in his direction, it's Trinity who introduced himself first, as "Arthur Mitchell." "Kyle Butler," lies Dexter. Arthur hands Dex a flyer for "Four Walls, One Heart," a Habitat for Humanity knockoff that builds homes for the needy. When asked what brought him to the church, Dexter lies (though not by much) that his wife kicked him out and kept the kids. Arthur tells him he came to the right place.

At the Quinn flophouse, Christine works on her laptop, wearing the usual serious journalist's uniform of bra, panties, and a completely unbuttoned men's dress shirt. Quinn's fully dressed, which makes this scene both unfair and kind of like he's at a strip club. She asks him for scoop on the Vacation Murders case and then immediately tries to say she's not asking for scoop on the case. This is another character who's not being written with any intention other than for us to hate her. And, you know, I'll oblige, but I won't feel great about it. Anyway, what Christine really wants is an interview with Debra. She'll make sure it's a hero piece, et cetera, but Quinn manages to be resolute in the face of hot sex right in front of him, so I guess we need to give him some credit. He even pushes Christine off of him when Debra phones from out on the sidewalk. Sorry, ace reporter Porky O'Sexweapon!

Outside, Deb tells Quinn she wants to be an eyewitness against Nikki Wald. Even though she didn't so much eyewitness anybody. She says she has no doubt in her mind that Nikki did it. Quinn doesn't either, but he tells her if this comes back to bite her in the ass, she'll be finished. He adds that she shouldn't make this kind of decision while she's still so mentally fucked up. We see Christine's watching this all from Quinn's window with much sinister interest.

At work, Dexter continues to goldbrick the investigation so he'll have more time to take care of Trinity himself. Unfortunately, Masuka continues to have his Best Week Ever, as he reports back that he found "matching mitochondrial DNA" on the bone fragment and the saliva. "In English, por favor," Angel groans. Come on, Angel, you know. Mitochondria. They are the powerhouse of the cell. ...Okay, that's actually all I know. Masuka? "The killer is related to the human remains." While Dexter marvels thematically that Trin keeps his family with him wherever he goes (hey, no weirder than a glowing apparition of your dead father, right?), LaGuerta and Angel speculate as to whether this is Trinity wanting to get caught or just leave behind a legacy. Masuka wonders aloud why Angel's not working this case, and he and LaGuerta exchange busted glances before Angel brushes it off.

At Habitat for Inhumanity (...sorry, I kept trying for something better, but this is what we're left with), Dexter observes Arthur and marvels (he's been marveling a lot this week) that he's using the same hammer he killed Sandwich Guy with to now build a house for poor people. Dex also stares jealously at Arthur's family. Arthur welcomes "Kyle" to the project and, noting he came sans tools, offers him his very murdering hammer ("Generosity of spirit," Arthur says). There's no underlying creepiness to the way Lithgow is playing Arthur here, which maybe makes it even more creepy. They exchange small talk, Arthur revealing that he took his wife to one of these home builds on their first date, and the kids have grown up pitching in. Dexter is clearly envious. Though happy to have the hammer.

Dexter then spots a wicked hot young guy across the way and stares at him for a moment before joining him at the water cooler. Before we all get any ideas about this turning into a very different sort of show, we find out that this is Arthur's son, Jonah. Hellooooo, Jonah! Dexter pokes around (not like that), asking Jonah about family life, kind of desperately searching for some kind of chink in Arthur's family-man armor. But Jonah has only glowing things to say about his old man -- he even gave Jonah his old classic car. DVO is particularly envious. In one sketchy moment, Arthur walks by in the distance and stares, seemingly with disapproval, at this interaction. Jonah immediately hops away, noting "Dad's not a big fan of idle hands." Before we start to ponder what Jonah does with his idle hands, let's move on to the next scene.

Debra, accompainied by off-kilter angles and a dreamlike unsteadiness, visits Nikki Wald at her jail cell. Nikki's crazy strung out and, all things considered, might be in a more chaotic state than Deb is. Once she realizes Deb's after a confession, Nikki starts rocking back and forth, repeating her claims of innocence. Debra has her come closer to the bars, so she can see her eyes. Nikki delivers her alibi once again -- she was with Johnny, getting high, watching porn, fucking. Just your normal evening at Martha Stewart's house, really. "I didn't shoot you, all right? I didn't kill that old man!" Understandably, Deb snaps right around "old man" and reaches through the bars and grabs Nikki around the neck. "I'm gonna say I saw you," Deb whispers into her face, as Nikki advances the theory that somebody else wanted them dead. Deb calls Nikki a "nasty piece of shit" who killed her own boyfriend, then shoves her back into the cell. Nikki resumes crying and unraveling, then she points at Deb and says, "If you say you saw me kill Frank Lundy, then YOU are the liar!" Debra, shaken, backs away from the cell.

Meanwhile, LaGuerta goes to Matthews and requests to be reassigned elsewhere in the department. She couches the request as a career-advancement thing, mentioning perhaps a gig as Press Liaison. But once she mentions that, oh by the way, Sergeant Batista could stay in homicide as well, Matthews is pretty well onto her ruse. Still, he'll take it under advisement.

Dexter returns home to Rita snottily saying, "Please tell me that's the last of your stuff from the apartment" and then rolling her eyes when he says it's not. Of course, then Dexter makes the total rookie mistake of being too obvious about trying to buy your family's love, as he hands out a Nintendo DS to Cody, a DVD player to Astor, a "My Dad's a Geek" bib to Harrison (okay: aw), and for Rita...a breadmaker. You know, because she's always saying they're out of bread. Okay, officially, this is a bonehead move by Dexter who (let's be charitable) doesn't realize how transparent he's being. But also, given how insufferable Rita's been lately: HA! Yeah, you're complaining about bread so much? MAKE SOME. Oh man. Dexter, that is terrible. Heh. Then again, Rita's reply to Dexter's "We're always running out of bread," is: "We're always running out of milk, did you get me a cow too?" Point: Rita.

And, to Rita's credit, she tells Dexter she appreciates the effort, but what she'd rather have is just one honest conversation. She takes his hands from across the table. Once again, DVO takes over and starts agonizing over how people just do this -- talk spontaneously without careful concern not to give themselves away. He ends up taking too long, and the strain is too visible. "How hard can it be??" Rita explodes, and she takes Harrison out of the room. On this level, it's hard not to grant Rita her point: it shouldn't be this hard to just talk about things. Particularly when she has no idea how deep Dex's pathology runs.

Angel shows up at LaGuerta's house just as she's lighting some romance candles. She's celebrating her awesome decision that lets Angel stay in homicide. She doesn't want to tell him the part about her getting transferred, but Angel's not dumb. He figures it out almost immediately, and while it's sweet, he can't let her do it. So we're at a Gift of the Magi-style standoff, each one wanting to lay down for the other. "What do we do?" asks Angel, but neither one knows.

The next day, Dexter stares at Trinity's DNA map-out on the computer screen, and Masuka thankfully interrupts before DVO can get too self-pitying about "What is it about Arthur Mitchell that makes him a better family man than me?" Masuka says the mitochondrial DNA turned up female. Dexter wonders aloud why Trinity would carry the ashes with him and concludes that it's because whoever this relative was, she helped in making him the killer he is today. Masuka, meanwhile, relates this to how his mother breast-fed him until age 6, and now no one else can measure up. Once again, Masuka: Ew.

Dexter heads out into the bullpen to hand LaGuerta the hammer model that was used for the murder. (I'm assuming he went and bought one and didn't hand over the actual murder weapon.) He says he needs to cut out early to deal with a personal matter, and these days, LaGuerta is more than sympathetic to such a concern.

Meanwhile, Quinn checks in on Deb and asks if she still means to testify against Nikki. Deb says she changed her mind and thanks Quinn for talking her out of it. Lucky for Deb, she's moved onto a new obsession: Maybe Nikki Wald really didn't kill Lundy. She went and checked Lundy's personal effects and saw how much of his Trinity-hunting materials were missing (absconded by Dexter, in fact, but she doesn't know that). Quinn, as ever, is dubious about this whole Trinity thing and tells Deb she needs to drop it before she drives herself crazy. Deb's all, "I'm gonna end up going crazy about something, why not this?" Paraphrasing, but that's the point. Quinn backs away slowly.

Angel and LaGuerta show up in Matthews's office having made a decision: They're no longer seeing each other. They've signed affidavits to that effect, insuring the department against legal action. So there should be no reason to keep either of them out of Homicide. Matthews stresses that if this is just a lie to get him off their backs, it'll have repercussions. Career-ending-type repercussions. Angel and LaGuerta appear resolute. Getting off the elevator back down in Homicide, they part with some tension, LaGuerta repeating, "It's over." Is it, Maria? Is it? (No, seriously, is it?)

Dexter's back at his Murderer Pad, staring at the last few boxes yet to be moved. These would be the most Dark Passenger-intensive items: the Trunk O' Murderin' Tools, the Box O' Blood Samples, various articles of clothing (murderous clothing, no doubt), and Lundy's research on Trinity. DVO muses that if he doesn't find a way to successfully hide this stuff, it's all over for him. Turning back to the Trinity stuff, Dexter gets an idea. He does a records search for obits where the deceased was survived by Arthur Mitchell. He comes up with three: Vera, Marsha, and Henry Mitchell. Vera: Arthur's sixteen-year-old sister who was found dead in a bathtub. Marsha: Arthur's mother, who jumped to her death off a bridge. Henry: Arthur's dad, who was beaten to death in an alley. Well, that all fits really, really neatly, doesn't it? Not sure why Dexter's so floored (he is literally lying on the floor right now), given the pedestrian nature of this discovery. DVO notes how Arthur's easy symmetry to his killings reflects Dexter's own: He saw his mother get cut up, now he cuts people up. Fair enough, DVO. Looking over his blood slides, Dex pledges to find where Arthur keeps his own incriminating artifacts.

After an afternoon at Habitat for Inhumanity, the van drops everybody off in front of Arthur's house. Dexter follows him back to his garage. He brandishes a box-cutter, like we really think he's gonna off Tinity in episode six. Instead, he uses it to cut his own hand, the better to use as a pretext to getting inside Arthur's house. Arthur goes to get the first aid kit and instructs Dexter to make himself at home. Dex scopes the place out, the wall of family photos, the washer/dryer unit, the lamp (DVO grumbles that Arthur has a place to put his lamp). Then Dexter comes upon it: a wall adorned with plaques from each of his Habitat for Inhumanity builds. Each one corresponding to a city and year that the Trinity killings took place in. It's a bingo! DVO connects the thematic dots for us: These are Arthur's equivalents to blood slides, and he's keeping them not locked up in a secret apartment, but out in the open. DVO's been much more effective this week when it's been sarcastic and bitchy, so I just wish he'd bust loose with a "Jealous!" and get things over with.

So now that he's seen Trinity's trophies, I guess Dexter figures it's time to rattle the man's cage (shades of Officer Zoe the Family-Killer). He spots a flowery urn on the table in front of the plaques, the nameplate revealing that the ashes belong to Arthur's sister. DVO notes, humorously, that the ash supply has gotten low after 30 years of being left, bit by bit, at crime scenes. Arthur calls for "Kyle" from another room, and instead of scrambling to look innocent, Dexter instead picks up the uncovered urn and turns to anticipate Arthur. He wants to see what happens to Arthur when his "weak spot" is exposed. Arthur rounds the corner and freezes when he sees Dexter with the urn. He walks right up to Dexter, carefully takes the urn and puts it back on the table...and then SLAMS Dexter up against the wall, his forearm on Dex's throat. "Don't! Touch! My sister!" he wails, clearly dipping back into unhinged territory. Dexter struggles to breathe, and after a moment, Arthur releases him and apologizes.

Dexter's all "What the hell?" and Arthur explains, perfectly honestly, that he lost his sister when he was very young, and it was especially painful for him. Dexter, honest in spite of himself, says he can understand; he's lost people too. Arthur sits him down to tend to his hand, and Dex asks why he keeps the urn out, if it's so painful. "Because she's a part of me, Kyle," Arthur answers. "Makes me who I am." And how! But what if his family saw him flip out like that? "They'd understand," Arthur says. "This is my home. I can be myself here." Okay, now Dexter might just squeal "Jealous!" out loud. Arthur says he used to be secretive -- even lost a relationship over it (wonder if that fine lady will factor into the season somehow?) -- but he met Sally and realized he had to jump in with both feet. Both bloody feet. 'That saved your family?" Dexter asks. Arthur stresses to "Kyle" that his family saved him. Then Dexter rushes out to purchase a Dictaphone, because he's got some notes to take.

Before Dexter heads home, Arthur tells him to hold up. He places his murderin' hammer into a bag of tools and hands them to Dexter. A gift, "for the next build." Arthur sends him on his way, until the next build.

Back at therapy, Dexter has taken the lessons from the murdering psychopath to heart. He wants to jump in with both feet, he wants to let Rita in, but he doesn't know how. "I never learned," he says. This whole scene is fairly fascinating, because it's Dexter being as honest as he can, maybe as he's ever been with Rita. And yet still, he's got things he needs to hold back. So is this Dexter being "honest" with Rita? Or is this Dexter just getting better at lying while seeming to tell the truth? Rita says she understands, given his past. She reveals to the doctor that Dexter's mother was murdered in front of him. Whether Dr. Roma Maffia does or does not make the "ka-ching!" cash register motion with her arm, I can't say. But I can say Dexter looks fairly freaked out to have that information just linger out there for anyone to see. He admits that it shaped who he is today. But he wants to change. (Again, this feels true...to a point.)

Dr. Roma Maffia asks Dexter if he feels afraid to get close to Rita. Dexter: "Yes." Because of his past. "Are you afraid she'll abandon you?" she asks him. Dexter: "Yes." This bracing honesty lands with Rita. "If she ever sees me for who I am..." Dexter begins. Rita is incredulous that Dexter thinks she would leave him. "Absolutely," he says. Rita says she married him because she wants to know the real him. Hmmm. One would hope the marriage vows would come after one feels they know who their prospective spouse really is, but okay.

Dr. Roma Maffia presses Dexter to tell Rita why he really kept his apartment. Here's where things get a lil' bullshitty. "Because...I need...space?" Dexter says. "To keep...my stuff?" Technically true, but he's also searching for something that will sound honest more than actually is honest. Hilariously, Dr. Roma Maffia interjects that Dexter means he needs space for himself within the marriage, and Dexter is like, "Yeah, that too, but speaking literally, I have shit that needs a place to get set down." At this point, Rita's so pleased with the honesty (or the illusion of honesty) that she's more than willing to give Dexter all the space he needs. Dr. Roma Maffia seems to view this as an unqualified success!

Back at the Mitchell household, Sally is taking a bath in what appears to be skim milk, when Arthur sneaks into the bathroom. The soundtrack plays it as very sinister, but it's actually just a husband wanting to join his wife in the tub. Sally remarks that he's always doing this, though she clearly doesn't mind. He steps in (bringing Naked Lithgow triumphantly back into our lives), and as he arranges himself behind her, it becomes incredibly apparent that this tableau is identical to the scene he sets for his bathtub killings. As is the case with the best Trinity/Arthur scenes, it's deeply, deeply creepy. He even grabs a hand mirror so he and Sally can look at each other in their bliss. Sally, I should mention, is played by uber-character-actress Julia Campbell, who you've seen at least once provided you've watched any television show in the last decade. Off the top of my head, she played the teenage gymnast's mom in the first season of In Treatment, though the role I most remember her for is Jerry's girlfriend in the "Frogger" episode of Seinfeld. Anyway, check out her IMDb page sometime. It's a clinic in how an actress can stay remarkably employed and yet incredibly anonymous.

The water in the Mitchell's tub dissolves into the milk carton in Dexter's kitchen, which grosses me out to no small degree. Dex is pouring himself a coffee when he's joined by Deb, who looks remarkably less like a 10-car pileup. It's because she has renewed purpose: Nikki Wald didn't kill Lundy, Trinity did. She's basing this off of her assumption that Trinity stole Lundy's research, so she's right (or so we're all assuming) for being wrong. Either way, Deb's psyched that she can track the cocksucker down herself; she doesn't have to feel helpless anymore. DVO is annoyed that he now has to plan Trinity's death and worry about Deb getting too close. But it seems like he's taking the path of least resistance for now. Deb says she's not taking the case to LaGuerta yet. She wants to make sure first, "don't want to step on my dick." (Aw, Deb, you ARE back on track!)

Oh, and also? Deb thinks she's found the name of the witness Harry was fucking, way back when. Dexter's ears definitely perk up to that little piece of information, but Deb's holding off on elaborating for now. "Don't want to step on my dick there, either." Dexter sighs the sigh of a man whose life could explode on any of a million fronts.

Deb leaves, only to be replaced by shiny, happy Rita. She leads Dexter to the yard, where, joined by the kids, Dexter places the final touches on what appears to be his Shed of Solitude. No idea why his Shed of Solitude needed to be painted every shade of the LaGuerta Pastel Rainbow. (Though, I will say, it's not nearly as screamingly queer as the barn in these photos.) Inside, Dexter's able to set down his Trunk o' Murderin' Tools, and we see they've even installed an air conditioner, the better to keep his Box o' Blood Slides. I start to question the need for A/C in an exterior shed before I realize it's Miami and I'm surprised their faces haven't melted to the ground yet.

DVO blathers on about evolution and learning to be more "myself" around the fam. Rita has one more thing for Dexter: a padlock for the shed. Dexter faux-protests that they don't need it, but Rita's resolute. They've got kids, and "there's dangerous stuff in there." Oh for Pete's sake, Rita, like they've never seen a BONE SAW before.

Joe R is only kidding. Kids don't get exposed to bone saws until high school. He can be reached for confirmation of the legal age of Trinity's son at joseph.reid21@gmail.com.

Discuss this episode in our forums, then see which episode of Dexter we think is the Worst of the Best.

Black and white film footage pans out to a panoramic view of the Hollywood sign. Annie, with messily thrown up hair and eyeliner dripping from her peepers, tries to muster up her best talented actress impression. Epic fail. Pretentious, amateurish epic fail at that. The clip ends, and Kris Jr. showers his "muse, babe" with compliments. He says her eyes are full of pain and generally spews out other self-important drivel about his art. They make out. So wrong it loops over to right, then all the way back to wrong again. Just then Rumer Willis and Navid walk in to have a Blaze meeting so Faux-lini and Sophia Whorin' make their exit. Navid starts the meeting, saying he wants to do an investigative piece on drug use at West Bev in light of some kid at a nearby school overdosing. RuWill tells Navid his best source just left the room -- Kris Jr., specifically. Turns out he's the drug kingpin of the Bev Niner, and he turned one of RuWill's BFFs into a strung-out drug hag.

Elsewhere, Teddy, Liam, and Ivy are walking around all cocky, bragging about their run on the waves that morning. Teddy teases Liam for busting and drinking some of "Neptune's cocktail." I bet the writers totally patted themselves on the back for their lingo authenticity for that one. They sit down for lunch, and Teddy keeps ragging on Liam for bailing. Ivy distracts him, then pours salt into his drink while he looks away. Teddy yammers on for about five minutes before taking a big swig of his salty bevy. Ivy's all, "In yo face!" Liam casually declares, "I love this girl!" Ivy gives him the yearning eyes. Really? A new character on the show for one week, and that's all she's good for? Bah.

Navid approaches the three of them, and Liam invites him to sit down. He looks reluctantly at Teddy, then declines. Teddy takes the hint and heads off graciously, saving Navid from eating by himself. Ivy notes how awkward things still are. Navid admits he's still pretty crushed by the break-up. Ivy and Liam sympathize, especially Liam who says girls are nothing but trouble and drama. Ivy registers offence for her gender, but Liam pawns it off since she's not really a girl. Ivy makes the weepy eyes.

Elsewhere, Dixon heads over to DJ Hottie's domicile, where she has nestled into her DJ Mommy role way too easily. She is wearing an apron and lobster oven mitts, y'all. That ain't right. She offers him some chicken that she cooked and shows him the movie she rented for after. He says he doesn't want to eat or watch TV. He wants to talk. So far she's been avoiding the discussion, but he thinks they're running out of time and options. She looks at him angrily and says she wouldn't even consider aborting the baby -- their baby.

Back at West Bev, Navid records some crappy voiceover about the safety of school lunches. He's disrupted by AAdrianna strumming her guitar and serenading him with a painfully earnest apology song. Allow me to paraphrase Navid's response: "Fuck you, you cheating bitch."

Matthews Manor. Jen waltzes in bitching about her overpriced shoes, completely not noticing the fact that he's on a date. He introduces Ramona, the slutty bartender. Jen ferrets out the vital details about Ramona, tosses out some judgmental bitchery, then bids them a lovely evening in her most disingenuous affectation, pausing to shoot daggers at Ramon with her eyes. Matthews gets some more wine to dull the sting of that mess.

La Nueva Casa. Dixon arrives home to face an inquisition from Harry and Debbie about why he got kicked off the surfing team. As they pester him for answers about where he's really been all those afternoons, DJ Hottie starts frantically texting him to come back to her. The questions continue and the beeps of his phone persist, so Dixon cracks and blurts out that he got a girl pregnant. Bouncy credits.

Moments later, the three of them have gathered around a table for a serious chat. It's horribly silent. Dixon tries to break the silence, but Debbie shuts him down, pointing out the multitude of lies told and errors in judgments made to get him in this position. She doesn't think he understands the life-changing magnitude of the situation. Proving her point to the tee, Dixon says everything doesn't have to change. His proof? Harry knocked a bitch up, too. And that turned out great! Pfffft. Dixon says, Alfie Patten-like, "I swear! I don't even know how this happened. We were safe... almost every time!" Amazing, Debbie and Harry's immediate response is not, "You. Fucking. Idiot." (Mine would be.) They do, however, tell him to STFU. Deserved. Dixon's phone rings again, and it's DJ Mommy desperately complaining of cramps. Debbie tells him to get his coat because he's going over there.

DJ Mommy opens the door to find Dixon... and Debbie. She reluctantly lets in Mama Bird. DJ Mommy starts babbling nervously, claiming the cramps have miraculously gone away. She starts up, but Debbie tells her sit down, slow down, and give her the doctor's contact information so they can call and make sure everything's okay. DJ Mommy seems mighty hesitant to do so. She says she just needs rest, so Debbie and Dixon start to head out. Debbie asks how far along she is. DJ Mommy says a month, then really blows her story saying she's already done a sonogram. A little early for that, no? Debbie brings up the subject of keeping the baby, and DJ Mommy gets testy. She tells Debbie it's none of her business. As Debbie is Dixon's sole financial support, I'd have to disagree with that. DJ Mommy gets extra-rude and quite explicitly to leave her house. She grabs Dixon possessively one last time before telling him to call her later. Debbie eyes DJ Mommy suspiciously as the exit.

West Bev. Matthews hands out papers as the students walk in. He takes Liam aside to tell him he got an honorable mention in the essay contest he entered. He teases Liam a little about wanting to get a high five. Liam walks to his desk with a proud smile on his face. Outside later, Teddy and Liam find Ivy practicing her hacky sack skillz in the quad. Teddy tells her she has room to improve, so she shoots back that he better watch out, or she'll start using his nut sack for practice. Seriously. I didn't make that up. And I am going to have to take a shower after watching this now. Argh. Ivy changes topics, saying her mom put the three of them on the list for an N.E.R.D. party. Liam says Hollywood parties aren't his thing. Again the weepy eyes and longing glances from Ivy. Ack.

Elsewhere, Annie kisses Kris Jr. goodbye for the day. After he pulls off, Navid approaches her and gracelessly bleats out the drug dealing accusations against Jasper. Annie blows him off, but there is lingering doubt in her eyes.

East of La Brea. Jen bellies up to the bar at Silverlake Lounge to harass Ramona, the slutty bartender. Within the space of a few seconds, she orders a hoity toity drink, tells Ramona she looks like an old ugly hag, condescendingly calls her "Sweetie," runs down all of the trite careers she looks like she might aspire to (singer-songwriter = ouch!), and tells her Matthews considers her a charity date. Ramona handles it all with poise considering she could spray that bitch with some eye-stinging soda in a hot second.

Meanwhile, Silver and Naomi enter AAdrianna's room to find her completely encased in sheets, curled up in a fetal position. She skipped school that day from the shame of being rebuffed by Navid. She says she'd do anything to stop the hurt. Silver suggests a meeting. AAdrianna flings her sheets back over her head in agony.

La Nueva Casa. Debbie skitters down to the kitchen as if struck by lightning. She remembered that she has already met DJ Mommy and that she showed her a picture of Dixon. She starts pointing out all the inconsistencies and weird behaviors, but Harry tells her to calm down. He thinks she's overreacting from the shock of the news.

West Bev. Silver and Naomi find Navid to tell him about AAdrianna's messy state and the possibility that she might turn to drugs again. He sheepishly says it's not his problem or his place, but they beg him.

Beach Club. Matthews finds Jen fresh off a tennis lesson to call her out for her hagtastic performance at the Silverlake Lounge. Jen snottily says that Ramona "looks like she has a great personality" before strutting off. Matthews calls out that Jen's jealous. She denies it but admits she is uncomfortable with him dating "hipster girls with pierced God-knows-whats." She deems it "unbecoming." Matthews gets back to the point: She doesn't like seeing him with other people. He admits he doesn't like seeing her with other guys, either. They snit back and forth like children about how neither of them will go exclusive if the other doesn't. After a couple of snippy exchanges, it looks like they've decided to officially deem themselves boyfriend and girlfriend, then seal it with a kiss. Gag.

Pink's. Kris Jr. regales Annie with his superb cinematic vision as they wait in line for hot dogs. Double gag (the faux-teur aspirations, not the hot dogs). He takes out a thick wad of cash to pay, and Annie asks where it came from. He tries to dance around it, so she asks point-blank if he's a drug dealer. She even name-checks Navid to deflect the blame. It doesn't work. Kris Jr. takes massive offense, seething that she doesn't trust him and that she's just like everyone else. He throws it in her face that he didn't pay attention to all the rumors about her, then hurls down the tray of hot dogs (tears!) before storming off to go firebomb the Shirazi Lambo.

Teddy and Ivy storm Liam's garage to drag him to the N.E.R.D. bash. He ribs Ivy for getting all girlyfied with a dress and perfume. She tells him to shut up and get his coat so they can go. They get to the party, and everyone who's anyone is there. Also, Sam Ronson.

Jen goes over to pretend she's besties with Pharrell. How very Zolciak of her! Matthews joins them bearing champagne for Jen, and she introduces him to Pharrell as her boyfriend. Pharrell couldn't give two shits. He's just hear to name-check all the members of his band, collect his paycheck and leave. They head off to set up for their performance, and Matthews tells Jen he wants to introduce Jen to a "special" friend of his. He introduces her to Liam. God, he's pathetic. Jen plays dumb, saying they've met before, at a party, but she can't place him. Liam barely acknowledges her before darting away. Jen acts innocent and confused. Obviously Matthews doesn't know a damn thing about his new girlfriend because Jen could walk into the United Nations and take over that bitch. Homegirl doesn't let anything happen without some sort of manipulation by her megalomaniacal clutches. To wit, she off-handedly suggests that Liam seems "troubled." Matthews spills that he used to have anger issues and naively rues that he isn't getting through to Liam as much as he thought he was. Jen consoles him with a peck on the lips, then pulls him in for a hug so she can make the classic Soap Opera Schemer Look #5 over his shoulder.

Over at AAdrianna's, Navid has come to check on her. She apologizes and starts with the weepies again. He tells her to go to a meeting. She asks if he'll come, too. He stands firm that it's not his place. He says she has other friends and stops short of telling her to snap out of it before walking away and closing the door. A pointed metaphor, but I'll allow it. She collapses back into the bed, consumed by tears.

N.E.R.D. Liam entertains the other Dudesketeers with a story, stopping dead in the middle of the best part when he gets an eyeful of Naomi and her Cal U. BMOC. He finishes the story half-heartedly, then makes a break for it. Teddy updates Ivy on Liam's bad break-up with "Malibu Barbie" (Ivy's designation), then proposes Ivy be the one to help Liam move on. She feigns disinterest, but Teddy calls her out on her pitifully obvious crush.

Over at the bar, Jen corners Liam. She goes through the motions of clearing the air, but Liam realizes that he's actually got the upper hand for once. She wouldn't have even bothered talking to him if she weren't nervous that Liam would expose her to Matthews. He walks away with a smug grin on his face.

Elsewhere, Debbie finds DJ Mommy in a restaurant and gets straight to it. She calls out DJ Mommy for stalking her down to the nail salon the first time they met, then pretending they'd never met before the other night. DJ Mommy admits everything, so Debbie reverts to Good Cop. She gently reminds DJ Mommy she shouldn't be drinking coffee now that she's preggers, then sympathizes that it's hard to suddenly be told by doctors that certain things are off-limits. And speaking of doctors, Debbie asks DJ Mommy who her doctor is. Coincidentally, Debbie knows her doctor and offers to tell her to take good care of the baby. DJ Mommy acts anxious, then more forcefully tells her to stay out of it. Debbie goes back to the inquest, asking DJ Mommy how amazing it was to hear her baby's heartbeat for the first time. DJ Mommy agrees, so Debbie points out that it must have been a miracle since you can't hear a baby's heartbeat until Week 6. Still two weeks away according to DJ Mommy's Timeline of Deception. DJ Mommy seems confused, so Debbie says sharply, "I'll give you a hint. It stars with 'You're not pregnant.' And ends with 'Stay away from my son.'" Awesome. Suck on that, DJ Mommy. You just got served. Coffee. Extra bitter.

Meanwhile, Kris Jr. drives up to the Hills to film his pick-up shots for the movie. He reaches the Hollywood sign to find Annie waiting for him. She starts blubbering an apology for having no faith in him. She tells him that, once again, it's him and her against the world. He pulls her in for a hug and an outlaw kiss, then creepily tells her never to doubt her again. She promises not to. He may be a raging sociopathic freak, but the control he's exercising right now is kind of sexy. Hopefully he uses it to take down Annie in some sort of bizarre, horror movie-like fashion. Involving ropes and a basement.

Party. Silver tells Naomi that AAdrianna has bucked up and decided to come after all. Then N.E.R.D. performs. Do people actually still buy their albums? Or has Ryan Tedder successfully stolen all their thunder. Since they're on this show, I'm going to go with the latter. After the performance, Navid runs into Teddy. Teddy apologizes once and for all. Navid says that he's made his peace with Teddy's part in the whole debacle since Teddy was honest. He accepts his apology and swift foots it out of there before Teddy can start boring him with prep school tales. On the way to the buffet, Liam grabs him and tells him to take advantage of all the hotties at the party. Sam Ronson skeleton walks her way into frame and stamps her lesbian seal of approval on the situation. Oh, Navid, I wouldn't trust either of their judgments. For obvious reasons. After full-on cheering from both Liam and SamRo, Navid goes to have unbearably awkward conversations about World of Warcraft with a fresh batch of innocents.

Across the room, Teddy spots Silver at the bar and smarmily congratulates her for going out and having fun despite her epic battle with her mother's cancer. Silver cuts him off, saying she'd rather not talk about cancer right now. Teddy's next strongest topic of conversation? Hair gel. Seriously. But Silver humors him and then they start tousling each other's hair playfully. Just then, AAdrianna walks in to see both her exes gaming on new girls. She walks out, melting into nothingness as she goes.

Elsewhere, Matthews brags to Jen about his hors d'oeuvres procuring skillz. Jen, for her part is looking just as troubled as she deemed Liam. And it's all with specific intent, natch. UN, people! She calls Liam self-destructive, lying that he propositioned her at the party where they met. She further adds that he just did it again. Matthews feels betrayed by his star pupil. Jen sees her objective has been accomplished, she shifts the subject to how amazing Matthews is for a nice shade of contrast to that ruffian Liam.

La Nueva Casa, Dixon stares sorrowfully at his phone. Debbie and Harry find him wiping away a tear and ask what happened. He says DJ Mommy miscarried. He admits he's confused, stunned, relieved, guilty, and sad all at once. Harry starts to reveal of the DJ's deceptions, but Debbie calls him off and goes into consolation mode.

Party. Matthews bumps into Liam, who apologizes for storming off. Matthews accuses him of hitting on Jen. Liam is rightly confused, but doesn't get a chance to understand any of it because Matthews stomps off sulking.

Back at the Casa, Harry asks Debbie why she didn't expose DJ Mommy. Debbie says it was worth lying not to hurt Dixon any more. She tells Harry to trust her. Women's intuition.

Back at Liam's garage, Ivy stops in to deliver his swag bag. She asks why he left the party abruptly, but he remains elusive. Liam notes that she changed back into her normal clothes, and she says sometimes it's nice to remind people she's not a dude. In fact, she has functional girl parts! Liam asks her who thinks she's a dude. She says he does sometimes. He denies it, so she lunges in for a kiss. They stare at each other meaningfully, then kiss again. He pulls away to tell her that doesn't want anything serious. She flips the script, teasing that he's the one acting like a girl now. Sweet Jeebus, this shit is straight out of Undressed.

Back at the Hollywood sign, Annie breaks up the hours-long make-out session with Kris Jr. to apologize for making him miss his sunset shots. His beeper vibrates, and he says he needs to run down the car for something. And in case that wasn't enough indication that he definitely is a dealer, when he gets to the car, he pulls a big ol' packet of pills out of his wallet. And who does he hand them to? AAdrianna, of course. She looks like Hell. And it's only going to get worse.

Next week: Annie wants Kris Jr. to pop her cherry. Navid bursts that bubble by telling her he saw AAdrianna scoring drugs from Kris Jr. AAdrianna pops pills. And Navid vows to take down Kris Jr. with an explosive exposé.

Instead the episode cold-opens with an intro for a morning talk show called Good Morning, Metropolis that highlights how tonight's "A" plot seems like it comes from an entirely different show. Not a better show, mind you, just a different one. The intro music and graphics are bouncy and cheesy and full of the kind of good cheer that would make even diehard morning people want to commit violence. The intro also shows a Kansas that could only exist in some alternate universe, where the Great Plains are populated by cargo ships and expansive bays. The title graphic gives way to Lois Lane's smiling face. We see her as if we're watching her on a TV-within-our-TV. She introduces herself as the host of this cheesetastic show. As the camera pulls back, she's revealed to be wearing a light pink dress that's somehow both skimpy and matronly all at once. Also revealed is one Clark Kent, sitting beside Lois at the host's table, looking around at the set lights and fiddling with his suit. Lois stares at him until he realizes it's his turn to speak. He introduces himself as the co-host. The view shifts and we see the action as if we're on this morning show's set during filming. A woman standing beside the cameras watches and waits. We'll just call her the producer, since they never say who she is. Lois sets Clark up for his next line, but he bungles it even though there seems to be a teleprompter. Tinkly, cheerful music plays, working way too hard to convince us that this is the kind scene you'd find in an old romantic comedy.

Lois asks if they can start over and the producer gives them time to get it together. Lois starts off telling Clark she appreciates him helping her "audition" but appreciation quickly gives way to bickering. She wants a job on this show because newspapers are on the "endangered species list" and this show is her only backup plan. Wouldn't a more natural transition be to work on web-based news? Clark and Lois bicker back and forth. It's supposed to be cute but I'm already glancing at my watch. The producer is enthralled, though, and watches like she's just come across two particularly comical monkeys at the zoo. To prove how committed he is to helping her, Clark announces: "I bought a new tie!" Lois counters with her whole new outfit. Clark tells her she looks great. Instead of taking the compliment, Lois tells him, "Don't you dare reassure me right now!" Clark quietly says he's doing all this for her: "How else am I going to get that second date?" Lois retorts, "Well, you should have thought about that before you stood me up the first time." Clark looks confused. You're confused because she is inane, fool! The set lights start clicking off, leaving the doofy duo in darkness. Lois thinks the audition has been cut short and asks for another take. The producer smiles and asks, "What do you say you come in bright and early Monday morning and give it another whirl? Congratulations! You got the job!" Thrilled, Lois throws her arms around Clark, promising not to forget him when she goes "national." The producer corrects her: they want both Lois and Clark to host the show. Lois protests. Clark protests. I protest. The producer compares their chemistry to Katharine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy (uh, no) and to Regis and Kelly (eh). She tells them it's a package deal: "Either you both stay or you both go." Lois smiles awkwardly at Clark. He smiles awkwardly back. They smile at each other again and then look away. I wait for someone to say something that makes sense, but the only sound is the tinkly music ramping up to a comedic crescendo. And... end scene. Somebody save us all!

Daily Planet basement, dawn. Clark wanders through the office, frowning at several sheets of paper in his hands. Reading is hard! "Hey!" a friendly voice greets him from off-screen. He looks up to see Chloe coming down the stairs toward him. She's wearing a cute green ensemble and a long gold and green necklace that I covet. Chloe asks if Lois got the job. "Yeah, and so did I," Clark says, because apparently he has time to be on TV every day even though he didn't even have time to watch a movie last week. Chloe lets out a little incredulous laugh. "So, what's your first story?" she asks, not at all concealing how funny she thinks this all is. "Online dating," he grumps. They're supposed to set up dates through the Internet and then talk about them on the show. Clark and Chloe walk through the office, Chloe near laughter the whole time. She teases that it's his "bravest move yet" to take a TV job just to get back into Lois's "good graces." I don't think that's all he wants to get into. He thinks it's more important that he track down the Kandorians. Chloe tells us about a much better and more expensive show where Clark has been going all over the globe searching for the alien symbols, but by the time he got to each symbol the Kandorians were long gone. Clark thinks he should keep looking, but Chloe thinks they should look closer to home because Tess has been reinforcing her computer firewalls and cutting security video feeds. "Now, given her attraction to all things alien..." Chloe trails off. Clark concludes: "You think she's building her own Area 51." Chloe plans to use Watchtower to find out more. Clark wants to help, but Chloe convinces him to focus on tonight's goofy "A" plot while she handles one of the more interesting stories. Chloe leaves and Clark goes back to focusing on his papers.

As Clark wanders through the office, the tinkly music of silly, dewy-eyed romance starts playing again so you know Lois is about to show up. And there she is, sitting at her computer as Clark drops his papers onto her desk. She asks, "What are these?" He says they're the release forms the TV station wants them to sign before their dates. She protests she hasn't even found a date yet. She says she's still filling out the online dating profile and carefully choosing just the right words to use. Too bad you're not a trained writer, or anything. Things would go so much quicker. "I filled mine out in ten minutes," he says, looking more and more worried by the second. Lois snarks that that'll be the only "10" he gets out of it. Clark smirks and goes to check out her profile. Reading over her shoulder, he notices that Lois is stretching the truth a bit. Instead of saying she likes movie theaters, the profile says she likes "the theatre." Instead of a six-pack, it says she likes "bubbly." Lois glances in the general direction of Clark's abs and says she does like a six-pack... but Clark doesn't notice the compliment. He does notice, though, that there's nothing in Lois's profile about her love of monster trucks. Lois thinks that's not something that would attract the kind of guy who would "impress the home viewers." Clark tries to reassure her that she has lots of good qualities that would attract a man, but when she presses him to name them, he comes up blank. Ha! She narrows her eyes at him and continues to wait. He finally stammers out, "Well, you're Lois!" Seriously, you couldn't even come up with the fact that she's pretty? Even I could come up with that and I don't especially like her! Lois is about as impressed as I am. She sarcastically wishes him good luck with his date: "I'm sure you'll sweep her off her feet." Clark looks like he had kryptonite Wheaties for breakfast. The tinkly music finishes with a cheerful flourish.

Suddenly, we're in the middle of a dark warehouse where a crowd has assembled to watch a dark-haired young woman beat the shit out of a burly, half-naked man. Thumping electronic rock music plays. I have mental whiplash from the transition. The mystery woman somersaults and kicks and takes several punches to the face but keeps on going. She drops her opponent with hard drive of her heel into the back of his knee. When he goes down, she flips him and pins him to the floor. She delivers two hard blows to his jaw. You know what this is, don't you? Yet another fight that's cooler than last season's crummy Doomsday fight. Lady Pugilist gets to her feet, blood dripping out of her nose, and throws her arms up in victory. The extras in the background cheer her on. Or maybe they're just happy they got assigned to this cool fight scene and not one of the episode's boring rom-com scenes. A skuzzy little bearded guy in a hat grabs her wrist, cutting her celebration short. "You keep making me hunt you down, Mia," he says with a sneer. He opens his jacket to show her the gun tucked into his pants waist. "How are you supposed to pay me back if you keep running away?" he asks. She calls him Rick and starts to explain, but he drags her away from the fight. "Don't want you hurting that pretty little face," he says. "That's your moneymaker, baby!" As they leave along with two thuggish fellows, we see that Oliver Queen has been standing on the edges of the crowd, watching the whole thing.

Metropolis, red-light district. Ladies of the evening hang out on the streets, chatting with one another, waiting for Richard Gere to show up. Mia is among them, wearing a red miniskirt, tiny yellow top, and a bobbed blond wig not unlike Vivian Ward's wig. Oliver pulls up to the curb in his pretty little Aston Martin and rolls down the window. Mia walks up to him and glances over to where Pimpy Rick is standing with his thugs down the street. She displays her car knowledge by telling Oliver that nothing compares to the original Aston Martin V8 Vantage. Oliver is so impressed that he lets her drive. Hey, I know about cars! Why does no one let me drive their awesome cars? Is it because I'm not a hooker? I knew I should have gone into a different line of work. Anyway, she drives so fast that Old Man Ollie is like, "Whoa, slow down, Speedy!" He tells her he's trying to stay away from "life in the fast lane." She asks, "So why are you cruising for company?" "I was looking for you," he says. The rockin' music quiets to something more serious. He tells her he saw her fighting and thinks she's talented. She doesn't get why he would care. He says he just wants to help her fix her life: "That last guy was twice your size. He kept beating you down and you just kept coming back after him." She quietly tells him she doesn't bruise easily and he acknowledges that may be true for the outside. He goes on: "I used to fight for the same reasons you do." To work out your feelings of anger and helplessness because you were forced to sell your body? Now that's a Smallville I'd like to see. He blah-blahs about how the real battle was with himself. He offers to train her and help her overcome her fear and hate, and to help get her off the streets. "Aw, my hero," she coos with more than a little sarcasm. He just looks at her. She asks with all seriousness what this "help" will cost her. "Just time enough to prove you can trust me," Oliver says. She looks doubtful, but intrigued. The car speeds into the night.

Next we go to the old Luthor mansion for another abrupt shift in plot. Tess and her wee minion Stuart are walking together through the hall. He looks to be a full head shorter than her. She's got on an awesome cocktail dress that looks like brushed metal. Stuart's explaining to her that someone is trying to hack into their system. "They're pretty good," he warns her. She warns him right back, "Then be better." He stops in his tracks. She tells him if he doesn't fix the situation, she'll have him "terminated." He looks scared and asks if she means she'll fire him. She just quirks an eyebrow at him and heads for the office/study/whatever that big all-purpose room in the mansion is called. Stuart follows after her, looking for reassurance that she's not going to kill him, but he's stopped at the door by a bald security guard. He has a sort of Billy Zane quality to him. Inside the office, things have been set up for a party: Tables with green linens, flower arrangements, champagne flutes, and two dozen people in their cocktail wear. Tess approaches a lighted podium thingie and thanks everyone for coming. She launches into a speech about wanting to steer LuthorCorp towards more environmentally conscious projects. "I just had to prove that going green meant going up... on the stock exchange." She announces that they've acquired "cutting edge technology" from their new partner, RAO Incorporated. Tess confidently says their new project will put the planet back on course. She touches the podium and a holographic image appears, showing the glowing outline of two buildings that resemble the Petronas towers. An image of the sun appears over the towers. She calls it the "world's first completely self-sustaining solar tower" and says it will generate enough energy to power Metropolis. Everyone starts clapping, none more loudly than Major Zod, who is now making his way through the crowd toward Tess. He's got a snazzy black suit over a dark red shirt and looks all freshly scrubbed and shaved. Woof. Tess's look of confidence freezes and then falls away, showing her shock. He raises a champagne flute and says, "Bravo, Tess." He congratulates her on the project. Quickly recovering from the surprise, she calls him "Mr. Zod" and says she never expected to see him there. He tells her -- and the assembled crowd -- that he's now chairman and CEO of RAO. (If you're not a comics geek, click on that link to see how apt the company's name is.) The crowd applauds him, as do I. Zod feigns modesty and asks them to save it for their "stunning hostess." He goes on: "By taking on this project, she is making my simple project of harnessing the powers of the sun a reality." Zod has mastered the skills of Earth finance and double meanings in the few short weeks since his arrival. Awesome. He raises his glass again and calls Tess their savior. Tess looks rightfully nervous, but manages a small smile for the crowd. "This tower will change the world," Zod swears. Everyone but Tess smiles like happy, unknowing sheep on the way to slaughter.

I'm sad the previous scene is over because now it means we're back to the goofy and improbable morning show plot. Yes, I'm complaining about things being improbable on a show where a guy melts things with his eyes. It's all about internal logic, people! Anyway, Clark is sitting at a table outside a café and the incessantly cheerful music is back. A camera is trained on him. He looks like he's suffering from fatal indigestion. A cute production guy tells Clark it's time for a sound check and they go through this needlessly long, dumb routine of Clark figuring out an earpiece. Lois's voice in his earpiece teases him for being "green." You're not any more experienced at this than he is, hon. She is back at the studio with the producer lady from the opening scene, watching Clark squirm via an assortment of monitors. She reminds him again of standing her up at the monster truck rally. Clark thinks they shouldn't talk about this while they're being taped. Producer lady gives Lois a nod of encouragement. She gets an impish look her face and agrees to talk about something else, instead -- his online dating profile. She thinks his farming background is either going to get him a "country mouse or a cougar looking for her next meal." Lois is the latter, right? What walks up to Clark's table appears to be neither, at first glance. She's a youngish blond in a nice dress suit and she introduces herself as "Catherine." She's supposed to be a reference to Cat Grant, but she's coming across as rather less trashy than you might expect. Lois looks crestfallen when she sees this perky-yet-wholesome lass. Clark looks quite pleased to meet her and does the gentlemanly thing of pulling out her chair for her. Cat looks nervously at the camera. "This isn't live, is it?" Clark tells her they're taping it. Lois's voice in his ear snarks, "If you can't take the heat, sister, get out of the café." Clark holds a hand to his ear and tells Cat, he has a "really annoying ringing" in his ear. Cat says she can barely hear anything over her own heartbeat. Lois is unimpressed but I think she's kind of adorable. Clark suggests she treat it like any other date, but Cat's been too busy to go on many dates. Clark loosens up and seems to forget the cameras are there. They talk about her working for the Peace Corps. Now she's back in school, getting double PhDs in sociology and social justice. Hon, you've got no chance with Clark. He likes his ladies mean and intellectually unambitious. They beam megawatt smiles at each other. Lois congratulates Clark on dating "Mother Teresa in six-inch heels." Ugh, what a mental image. Clark ignores her and keeps smiling at Cat.

Luthor mansion. Oh, yay! The awesome alien intrigue story is back. All Tess's guests have gone, save one Mr. Zod. "You're welcome," he says. "I didn't thank you," she reminds him. She looks like she's mentally undressing him. Oh, wait... that's what I'm doing. Tess actually looks like she's mentally stabbing him to death. Zod thinks she should be thanking him because his people's "highly evolved intelligence" will now be making LuthorCorp the most technologically advance company on Earth. "The question is, what do you want?" she asks. "Someone who betrayed us," he says, looking genuinely hurt. "The one you call the Blur," he says. (Remember, he thinks Jor-El is the Blur because of Clark's stupid flaming family crest being everywhere.) Tess turns away from him and crosses the room so he can't read her expression. She lies that she's flattered he would think she knows how to find the Blur. He makes a purring sound of warning and follows her. "You disappoint me," he says, "but I'll play your game." Tess drinks from a blue water bottle like Lex used to. Aw. I miss old school Lex. Zod comes up very close behind her and explains with more than a little menace about the Blur's blood being used to cure that virus a while back. "We took a sample to the lab to be tested --" Here he taps her on the rump to get her to face him. "-- and instead, every last drop had been destroyed... at your request." She feigns ignorance, but the look in her eyes is challenging. He thinks Tess's destruction of the sample means she's either protecting the Blur or trying to use him as a bargaining chip. Tess gives him a sly smile and saunters past him. She reminds him she freed his people because she thought they would save humanity. "The only way I can make sure that happens is if we're equal partners," she says. Zod looks like she just asked him to make out with a goat. "No human will ever stand on equal footing with a Kandorian," he says, his voice dripping with hate. He takes as leave, stopping to chat with the Billy Zane guard outside the room. "Make her tell you where the Blur is," Zod says, "or kill her." "Yes, Major," the guard replies. Fantastic.

LuthorCorp building. Oliver's in his office, shirtless, sweaty, and toweling himself off. Very nice. Lois breezes in, getting her silly "A" plot all mixed in with Oliver's slightly better "B" plot. She says she needs help. Oliver says it's not a good time but, naturally, she ignores him completely. She fills him in about her and Clark's "side job" hosting Good Morning, Metropolis and their first assignment about online dating. Oliver gets a chuckle out of Clark going on a blind date, but Lois has to admit he did a great job. "You want to be better," Oliver guesses. Lois says she wants him to tell her about all her "red flags," meaning all the things that annoyed him when they were dating. She's got a new dress and rented out the whole Ace of Clubs (overkill!) but needs to identify her faults. Oliver says he only remembers the good things: "Like how you used to brush your hair back when you were nervous, or how you'd call out football plays in your sleep." Aw. That's actually kind of sweet. And yet Clark couldn't come up with a single good quality. Lois smiles, quite charmed until a door opens behind her and a dewy Mia walks out wearing naught but a towel. Mia thanks Oliver for the "workout" and wonders if he could "pay in smaller bills." Har, har, har! Sexy misunderstandings are so fresh! Oliver tries to explain to Lois that they were just sparring. "I'm not here to judge," she says, then proceeds to judge him thusly: "I just hoped you would spend more than one week clean before you got back in the gutter." Lois storms out. Oliver calls after her, but to no avail.

Watchtower. Chloe is tappity-tapping at one of her computers, trying to get through Tess's firewalls. She makes it through the 27th firewall but still can't get into the computer files. Another wall goes up. We switch to Stuart's hovel of an office, where he's matching every one of Chloe's attacks with another defense. He seems quite thrilled. "That's right my hapless hacker, you have been served," he says. He doesn't have long to enjoy his latest triumph, though, because firewall #28 goes down. He's impressed, but sets up another block. Chloe back at the Watchtower is less enthused: "OK, now you made me angry." She cracks her neck like she's getting ready to throw down.

Oliver's office. Mia is zipping up her thigh-high red boots when Oliver walks by and lays a hand on her leg. She reminds him there were supposed to be no strings attached. "I'm not trying to sleep with you, kid," he tells her. He just wants his $50,000 watch back. She rolls her eyes, reaches into the top of her boot, and pulls out the pilfered watch in question. Oliver wonders why she'd want to go back to a life on the streets. She says, "You don't get it -- if I can finishing paying Rick what I owe him, then I'm done." Oliver offers to pay Rick off himself, but Mia doesn't want to owe Oliver. "I'm not that type of guy," he tries to reassure her, but she knows every type of guy and sick of them all. She grabs her purse and starts out the door. Oliver doesn't go after her, but tells her he just wants her to do something with her life she can be proud of. She turns to face him, wondering why he'd help her. "Because I know what it's like to be stuck in a place you feel there's no escape from," he tells her. She has tears in her eyes. She says if she says, it'll cost him. He shows her the clothes his staff has already bought her. It's age-appropriate sweaters and stuff. "Oh, and I hope you dress as fast as you drive, because I'm gonna need you to drop me off somewhere," he says. He tosses her the keys to the Aston Martin. Mia looks like she can't believe her luck.

Ace of Clubs. Lois sits at a table lighting candles. If I showed up for a first date and found out the whole club had been rented out just for the two of us, I'd run away screaming. Lois asks a waiter for something stronger than wine and Clark, via Lois's earpiece, teases her about her drinking. "You sound like my mother on prom night," she shoots back. She poses for the camera and asks him how she looks. "If this was prom, you'd be crowned Queen," he says. "Your date's a lucky man." She thinks he sounds jealous. I think he sounds perhaps wistful, but not jealous. She says, "All's fair in love in war," which makes Clark wonder which one it will be for the two of them. Lois practically wriggles in her seat. "It sounds like you're asking me on that second date," she says. Romantic string music plays. He asks her what she'd say if he did ask her out. "I'll tell you what I'd say," she starts, but is interrupted by the arrival of her date. "Oliver," she blurts out in surprise. He tells her he paid off her real date, who is now on his way out of the building. Lois smiles nervously. Clark watches the video feed with a frown. Comical love triangle music plays.

Another abrupt shift and we're back once more on the misty, dark streets of the red-light district. Mia gets out of Oliver's purty Aston Martin. Pimpy Rick and his thug pals are waiting for her at the curb. "Wasn't sure you'd show up, Princess," Pimpy Rick says. She hands him the keys to the Aston Martin, saying, "This should finish paying off what I owe you." She makes the mistake of telling him that the car belongs to Oliver Queen, who Pimpy Rick now wants to rob. He wants Mia to show him where she dropped Oliver off tonight. How did he know she didn't just steal the car? Pimpy powers of perception, I guess. Rick grabs her by the throat, threatening to never let her go. "You're my top earner, baby. If you run, I will find you. No second chances." He releases her with a little shove, laughing in her face. That guy needs his eyes eaten out by rabid mongooses.

Back to the rom-com plot. Clark watches the video feed of Lois's date. She guzzles champagne. Oliver says he took her for a beer girl. She gives a fake laugh: "No, no, only the finer things in life for Lois Lane." Oliver offers to make a toast, but Lois is already sucking down another glass of bubbly. Lois is peeved because she thinks he's there to ruin her date, as if walking in on him earlier that day wasn't bad enough. He tries to explain he was helping this girl. "You helped her out of her clothes," Lois says with an incredulous laugh. Oliver presses on: "I just thought your audience might want a date with Metropolis's most eligible billionaire bachelor." Lois admits it wouldn't hurt the ratings and gives him a chance to explain himself. He goes on to tell that of all the things he loves about her, the thing he loves the most is that she's still in his life. "Because you're still in my heart," he says. Clark looks sick watching this transpire. Lois, wide-eyed, sighs: "Check please!" She bolts from the table, grabbing Oliver by the hand and leading him away from the table and cameras. Clark calls after her but she turns off her earpiece. Obviously, he misunderstands Lois's move as a romantic escape, but she's just talking to Oliver out on the balcony to talk. "Couldn't this heart-to-heart have waited till the cameras were off?" she asks. The poor fool tells her he's not hiding how he's feeling. His voice breaking, he tells her she's the best part of his life. She touches his cheek and tells him, "I love you... as a dear friend." He dies a little inside. She says she has to be honest with him. Oliver guesses that she wants to be with Clark. She nods. Oliver tears up but manages to say he's happy she knows what she wants. "It just hurts knowing it's not me." "I am so sorry," she whispers. He sniffles and kisses her forehead. "Goodnight, Lois," he says with as much cheer as he can muster, then walks away. Lois fights back tears.

In the alley behind the club, Oliver finds Mia waiting for him in the Aston Martin. He seems puzzled to see her, but starts walking toward the car. Just then, Lois shows up mostly to get caught up in the shit that's about to go down, but also to assure him she's not going to let him wander down any more dark alleys. But... that's where his car is! He tells her not to worry. "I'm all about embracing life, not trying to end it," he says. They smile at each other and hug. Over Oliver's shoulder, Lois sees Mia waiting in the car. "Is Towel Girl your driver now? Maybe your plan B?" Boy, you really think highly of him, huh? Oliver brings Lois over to the car to introduce her to Mia. Suspenseful music plays. Oliver taps on the driver's side window. For several long moments, Mia won't meet his gaze. When she finally does, it's with a whispered, "I'm sorry." Pimpy Rick comes up behind Oliver and whacks him in the back of the head. Oliver falls to the street. Lois takes a step toward him but Rick pulls a gun on her, stopping her in her tracks.

Back at the TV studio, Clark is sadly turning off the monitors. Producer lady compliments him on a great job. "Have you seen the new marketing ad?" she asks. She shows him a life-size cut-out of him and Lois, posed back-to-back. Lois looks like a Vargas pinup girl, all arched back and flirtatious smiles, while Clark looks like he's waiting for the bus. "I have high hopes for you two," the producer lady says. Sad music plays. "So did I," Clark says under his breath.

Back in the alley, Oliver has just been thrown to the ground. Mia protests to Rick: "You said you wouldn't hurt him!" And you believed him? Rick is marching Lois through the alley, his gun at her back. Lois snarks to Mia: "Tell me you didn't pick Prince Charming here over Oliver." Rick tells her to shut up. Lois spins around and punches Rick, somehow miraculously not getting shot for her troubles. She knocks Rick to the ground. His thug pals join in and wrestle Lois into submission. In the process, her earpiece falls out and is activated when it hits the ground. Rick levels his gun at Lois. Mia kicks his wrist, sending the gun flying high into the air. She catches it and aims at Rick. "I can't let you do this," she says. "Streetwalker thinks she's a street fighter," Rick says. He snatches the gun away from Mia when she hesitates. He hits her and she falls to the ground, unconscious, even though she took a much more severe beating in that fighting ring earlier. By this time, Oliver has come to and joins the fight. He takes on Pimpy Rick while Lois starts fighting the two thugs. When they go down, Lois and Oliver make a run for it. Pimpy Rick whips out a machine gun and starts firing, but somehow doesn't hit them. Clark hears the ruckus via Lois's fallen earpiece and superzips out of the studio.

Lois and Oliver decide to abandon all common sense to run up some stairs and onto the roof. Pimpy Rick catches up to them and shoots. Oliver makes a grunting sound like he's been shot, but maybe it's just a sound of frustration. Realizing they've been cornered, Oliver holds Lois close, trying to shield her form Rick. She buries her face in Oliver's chest. I guess if you have to die, it's a nice thing to see before you go. Pimpy Rick shoots and several bullets fly out in extra super slo-mo CGI. Clark shows up to stand between the bullets and Oliver, allowing them to hit him in the chest. He uses his heat vision to obliterate more bullets and the gun, but one bullet escapes him and makes its way toward Oliver. Still in extra super slow "bullet time", Clark plucks the bullet out of the air just before it reaches Oliver's face. Time resumes its normal pace and Rick's gun explodes, knocking him back. Clark spends several long moments glaring at Oliver, because now is the perfect time to let him know just how pissed you are that Lois seemingly chose him over you. Fool is lucky she still has her face buried in Oliver's chest. Finally, he zips away and Lois looks up at Oliver, realizing they're still alive. They embrace. Clark watches from a rooftop some distance away, his mood as dark as his Emo Blur outfit.

Luthor mansion. Tess has on a gorgeous charmeuse dressing gown that I would wear all the time if I owned it. Seriously, I'd wash my car and buy groceries in it. She sips whiskey and studies the 3D model of her solar tower for a moment before deactivating it. "You will respect me," she says, obviously recalling the events of earlier in the day. The way the expressions play out on her face make it easy to imagine she's been replaying her confrontation with Zod and imagining how else things could have gone. Behind her, the door opens and the Zane-style guard walks in. "Leave me alone," she commands him. "I'm afraid I can't do that," he says. "Excuse me?" she says, turning to face this impertinent peon. He closes the doors, shutting the two of them into the room together. He creepily starts undoing his tie and shirt collar, saying, "I had to wait until we were alone, so we wouldn't be interrupted." He advances and Tess takes a step back. Menace charges the air. He reaches into his shirt to show Tess his Kandorian soldier's dog tag. "I have a message from Major Zod: Tell me where the Blur is... or die." He smiles. Tess looks fearful, but says nothing.

Watchtower. Chloe has just made it trough firewall #99 when Clark comes in looking for an update. She thinks she's just about there, but when she makes it through the hundredth firewall, a video of Stuart pops up: "Greetings, estimable foe, whoever you are." He says he knows whoever's been trying to hack into the system must be tired, so he advises them to just give up. He also holds his hand right up to the camera and says, "Talk to the hand," because he thinks it's still 1999. The gesture also allows Chloe to get a snapshot of his hand and analyze his fingerprints. With the prints, she's able to pull up a file that identifies him as one Stuart Campbell, aged 20, with a Masters degree from MIT. He's also interested in electric guitar and snowboarding, but that's neither here nor there. Chloe is quite pleased with herself. "Nice work," Clark tells her. As Chloe reads his file, she becomes increasingly impressed with the databases Stuart has managed to hack into. "We could do a lot with this kind of leverage," she says. A smile steals across her face as she turns to Clark. "Or maybe even get him to join us." Clark thinks Stuart's an even match for Chloe but she doesn't think so: "Please, every time I'd get close, he'd show up and block me." This gives Clark the segue he needs to talk about his love life. "I know the feeling," he sighs. He tells Chloe and seeing Lois with Oliver, and how happy Oliver looked. Chloe thinks that Clark's ability to sacrifice his own happiness for others is a weakness. She basically tells him to go for what he wants. Seems like his doing that in the past has led to some problems, but whatever. Clark thinks about it really hard for a while, then nods.

Zod is enjoying a spot of espresso at that outdoor café in Metropolis. The wee cup looks especially cute in his hand, the little handle clasped between thumb and forefinger. He sips and watches the world go by for a moment, then closes his eyes and turns his face up to the sun for a bit of a wistful bask. When he opens his eyes again, there's a plain white envelope lying next to his cup. He glances around before picking it up. There's a faint metallic rustling as he empties the contents into his palm. His expression darkens. He lifts the object into view -- it's the guard's dog tag, smeared with blood. Zod looks up and sees Tess standing across the street, watching him. She's holding a paper coffee cup, which she raises in a silent toast. I can't tell from his expression whether he's angry or impressed... or both. She quirks a challenging smile at him, then vanishes when a bus passes between them. Zod clenches his jaw. I'm going to watch that scene again even though I'm done recapping it, that's how awesome it is.

And now I'm back. "End of the World" by Dead by Sunrise plays. The action for the following scene is all in slow motion. It plays like a music video, kinda. Stuart is wandering into an alley, glancing around nervously. Chloe walks up behind him through a veil of mist. He turns to see her, possibly surprised to see that his "estimable foe" is a cute girl. She wordlessly gives him a manila envelope. He takes a look at the contents and finds all the information Chloe had pulled up on him, including the screenshot of his hand. He's stunned, but seems impressed. They shake hands, apparently having reached some understanding or agreement that we're not privy to. Back in the red-light district, Mia is standing around in her same red and yellow get-up and blond wig. Why's she there even though Pimpy Rick has been thwarted? Who knows? Oliver pulls up to the curb in the Aston Martin and smiles at her. The song is going on about not being able to buy gas or pay rent. Oliver cocks his head toward the passenger seat in invitation. She gets in and takes off her wig. They smile at each other and speed off down the street as the rockin' music comes to and end.

The end! Thanks for reading the recap, everyone. See you here again next week!

Wait, you say the episode's not over yet? But there was a slow-motion rock video! The two parallel plots of Oliver and Chloe rescuing their respective waifs have concluded! There was an awesome scene where Zod found out how kickass Tess is! Everything's been all wrapped up for the episode, hasn't it? It hasn't? Aw, crap. All right, here we go...

Daily Planet. Clark walks into the basement office and spies Lois looking over some papers. Sweet, soaring romantic music plays. He smiles warmly just watching her. I hope he's gone to the trouble of confirming that, despite what he thought earlier, Lois is not involved with Oliver again because otherwise he's about to be a big douche. "Lois," Clark starts. Not listening to him, Lois rants about the TV station firing them and going with someone else for the morning show. "Lois," Clark tries again. Lois rants some more about everything they went through and almost getting killed. She holds up her paper and shows Clark an ad featuring the person chosen to replace them. It's Catherine, Clark's blind date. For some reason, she's wearing Lois's pink dress and pearls. "Apparently, blonds test better with morning viewers," Lois snarks. "Lois," Clark tries yet again. Lois keeps ranting and raving, so Clark finally shuts her up by kissing her. She's surprised for a second, then kisses him back. They kiss and kiss, right in the middle of the office. The end for real!

Tippi Blevins is not an unromantic curmudgeon, despite evidence to the contrary. You can contact her at b_tippi@yahoo.com.

"No, definitely because I grew up in a house with four sisters, because, it was the quiet that drew me to surgery." At the hospital, he asks a very suspicious Cristina how she's doing, and Cristina is royally pissed that Meredith told him she had been down because of a lack of a "cardio god." She says that once Meredith is healed up, she's dead, but Derek gleefully tells her that she should be happy, because today she'll be on his service. "You need a god! Neuro god, right here." I guess if you're a god, you're not too burdened by modesty. She doesn't really buy his god status, but they are quieted when they reach the surgical board. Everyone is gathered around the Chief, droning about something, and the board is empty except for a piece of paper taped to it. Bailey fills in Derek, that the Chief is implementing a computer model that will schedule surgeries from now on, and that it's supposed to be efficient and money saving or some such bullshit. Well, that last part is just heavily implied by her tone. They tune back in to Richard in time for him to say that he had one of them do a trial for the last month, and then has Mark step up to tell about his experience with it. Mark is totally a showoff as he assures them all that the computer will know them better than they know themselves. Derek speaks up to point out that his schedule has been totally rearranged (he must have guessed this as this is news and there's no way he can read that paper schedule from that far away) and asks the Chief if they haven't already had enough change lately. Richard cuts him off to say, no-nonsense, that change is good. "Embrace it." He walks off, which serves as a dismissal rather than actually wrapping up his presentation, and Bailey turns to Derek and tells him the two men have to stop arguing. "It's unattractive." Derek just glares.

"The operating room is a quiet place. Peaceful. It has to be in order for us to stay alert, anticipate complications." Reed is doing yoga and seems to be trying to piss off Alex by blocking his locker. She's successful, and just maintains that she's sore from doing surgery all night. Unsurprisingly, Alex doesn't care -- and seriously, this is an empty locker room, with plenty of other places to do yoga. She reluctantly moves away as Cristina walks in to tell Alex that Izzie hasn't called in to confirm her IL2 appointment for later that week. Alex acts like he doesn't care, so Cristina lowers her voice, and with a glance at Reed, reminds Alex that this is his wife, and she could die. Alex says she'll show up: "She's a crappy wife, but she's not an idiot." I feel like we've seen countless episodes that would contradict that statement, but fine. Cristina gives him the time of the appointment and leaves, and Reed calls out to him not to worry, "Being ditched by cancer wife won't change my mind. You're still a douche." Clearly these two are going to hook up at some point, right? With the hate that turns to passion?

"When you stand in the OR, your patient open on the table, all the world's noise, all the worry that it brings, disappears. A calm settles over you, time passing without thought. For that moment, you feel completely at peace." A lab tech named Isaac, who we have never met but who seems well-loved, comes in to show Derek some scans. They are of a monster spinal tumor, and while Derek has seen this type before he's never seen one this big -- it's worked its way up the spinal cord and taken over the blood supply. Derek is surprised to learn that the patient is still walking considering that he should very likely be paralyzed or even dead with this tumor. Isaac asks if he'd have to operate quickly and Derek tells him that while he'd love to operate on it, he'd have to cut the spinal cord to kill the tumor. He then asks Isaac who the doctor is and is stunned when Isaac tells him, "You," with a lot of dramatic drum music to back him up. Isaac admits that these are his own scans, and he wants Derek to take it out. There's a lingering shot of the giant spidery tumor on the scan that stays on the screen while everything else fades to white for the title card. They're getting fancy this season!

Isaac explains about the various wrong diagnoses he got from different doctors, and how when the pain finally started to affect his work, he did an MRI on himself. Derek tries to tell him that he never would have been so candid if he knew, but Isaac cuts him off and plows ahead. What he liked is that Derek was inspired rather than defeated by the tumor. Isaac then admits that he researched all of the neurosurgeons in the country to find one that was both the best and who took risks. Derek fit the bill, so he got the job at Seattle Grace. He's very lucky that all worked out for him given that the hospital has no money and just laid off half its workforce, but I already really like Isaac so I'll ignore all those niggling details. Derek tells him that he can't do the surgery, as it would kill Isaac, but Isaac just tells him to think it over, and to "Think yes!" During this whole talk Derek had been getting and ignoring pages, which turn out to have been from Cristina, who storms in because he's late for a procedure. She sees the scan of the tumor, however, and excitedly declares, "Screw the shunt, let's operate on THAT."

Derek is pondering, furrowing his brow like a champ. Mark (who looks weirdly baby-faced when he's more clean-shaven, and I don't like it) thinks he's just considering this so that he'll look awesome and then be back in Richard's good graces. Derek tells him it's just about the patient and that he hasn't even made up his mind and he's still pondering when Callie walks in, upset because she heard the news about Isaac. Cristina reverentially shows her the scans, calling it "awesome," but Callie of course finds it not actually so awesome. She can't believe Derek would consider trying to take it out, but Cristina, in an about-face from that morning, sings Derek's praises because clearly she wants in on this. Arizona then comes in, also upset. I said I was going to let it go but I can't help but again point out that this is someone we've never actually met, and they are all acting like he's their best friend. It's not the smoothest thing they've ever done on this show. Lexie is the next to show up, but she's more like Cristina in her awe of the tumor, and she tells them that she read about a spinal surgery like this that lasted 17 hours, and the surgeon had four rotating assistants. Cristina calls her off, reminding Lexie that this is her case. When Hunt sticks his head in and mentions Isaac's name, Lexie's awe turns to sad shock. All of them are quieted when the new scan shows up -- I guess Isaac's been in the next room having an MRI this whole time -- and the huge tumor is shown in all it's giant, fingered glory. Richard then sees them all and sends them scattering like pigeons back to where they are supposed to be, as he doesn't want his schedule messed with on the first day. Because as always, this is All About Richard.

Derek runs into Isaac in the hall and tells him he still hasn't made a decision, but Isaac just pleasantly replies that he's a patient man. Derek then goes back in to stare at the scans some more and finds Bailey admiring them. He wants to know what she thinks, and she asks if he's looking for a fellow attending answer or a fellow surgeon answer. He wants surgical, so she tells him that this tumor is dangerous, but sounds impressed as she also calls it smart and admits this type of thing is why she got into medicine. She tells him that if he was able to remove it, he could hang the rest of his career on this surgery.

Derek seems to have decided he wants to do it, but in a meeting with Richard, he's shut down. Because everything Richard does nowadays is out of fear for his own skin, he claims that the surgery is a malpractice suit waiting to happen, and argues that insurance might not even pay for it. When Derek tells him that this is an employee, Richard basically says they can't turn into a charity. Derek asks what all of us has been thinking, namely: what happened to him? Richard turns, instantly combating (yet again) as Derek points out that in the past he would have convinced Derek to do this surgery but now he's doing the opposite. Richard of course doesn't answer, just blusters that as the Chief he just said no, and that his medical opinion is also not to operate on an inoperable tumor. Derek tries to argue but the Chief just cuts him off and starts yelling the same thing. Derek just stares, and the Chief snips, "It's a tough job, Derek, sure you still want it?" OH MY GOOD GRAVY, for the millionth time, Derek saved your freaking job, he didn't try to take it from you. The only reason he would maybe do it now is because you're an inept, pathetic excuse for a leader who is running the hospital into the ground.

However, at home that night when Mere asks Derek what he did, Derek tells her that he scheduled the surgery. The look on her face says that this might not be the best idea ever.

Derek has gathered a bunch of residents in the skills lab and tells them about how microsurgery is all about precision (wow, really?) and that the microscope changes your perspective. He says that this can be taught, but with the surgery imminent he needs someone who is a natural. He has a Styrofoam cup with a hole cut out in the bottom, and places it top-down on a dollar bill. Looking through the microscope, he puts a pen into the hole and then holds up the bill to show that he made a red dot on George Washington's nose. He tells them that the one who gets the closest to George's nose is in on the surgery. Cristina makes a great show of yawning and stretching through everyone's turns, as each gets up and blows it. It's a montage of failure, basically, and Derek looks worried. Then Avery is up, and he hits right next to George's right nostril; clearly he is the frontrunner for the assistant position. It's then Cristina's turn -- she's last up -- and she's super cocky as she goes and gets into position. Unfortunately, she then hits the cup with the pen, not even getting it in the hole, much less near George's nose. Everyone, including Derek, looks surprised, but none more so than Cristina. Avery just basks in his own glory since he gets the job.

The next day, Mark sidles up to Derek and says he heard that Derek went rogue. Derek tells Mark that he's just doing a surgery he believes in, but I think there's a little bit of neuro god ego there too -- Isaac did a good job tapping into that to get the desired result. Mark, on the other hand, thinks he's just trying to piss off Richard, and Derek asks when Mark and Richard became besties. Seriously. Mark just says that he's the chief, and Derek mutters, "For now." I guess this means maybe they will have him gunning for the job sooner than later. Callie and Arizona come up and ask if he went rogue, having basically the same conversation. Derek points out that the computerized schedule says he is doing a craniotomy, so Richard won't find anything out. Arizona shuts him up since she is bad with secrets, but Callie compliments him on his badassness and then the ladies walk off. Lexie then walks up, completely offended that she wasn't asked to the skills lab to try her hand at the pen/George task, reminding Derek that she is his sister. Interestingly, she rubs it in repeatedly but never adding the "in-law" at the end of that. Mark reminds her that she's on his service, and Derek then says that if Mark will let her, he had a special job in mind. He needs someone to watch over him, remind him to take breaks, bend his legs, and drink water; basically, she would be his doctor. Lexie is thrilled, and Mark of course lets her off of his service, telling her, "Go get your rogue on."

An excited Lexie gets a drink from the vending machine, next to where Avery is getting a snack. Lexie makes small talk about being nervous to be in the OR that long, but Avery is just a completely cocky ass and asks why she's nervous since Derek didn't even let her compete. When Lexie tells him about her special role as Derek's doctor, he snickers and says that he thinks it sounds more like Lexie is his bitch. What is it with these Mercy West people and being someone's bitch? She just points out that Avery is going to need to take a bathroom break and when he does, she'll be there to take over. Avery just responds, ultra-confident, that he doesn't take breaks, and that he's lasted that long on a surgery before -- for starters, he knows to stop taking fluids beforehand. With that, he points to the drink Lexie is sipping and tells her to have fun playing nurse. Lexie's pissed, but then notices a supply rack nearby and looks at something with interest.

Cristina is on the phone with Mere, bitching about how Izzie might have had the right idea. As she paces, she looks through the window and sees Lexie holding something, so she says she'll call right back and runs in.

Inside, she demands to know if what Lexie is holding is what Cristina thinks it is. Lexie says no and tries to hide it, but Cristina runs around and grabs it -- the diaper that Lexie has been contemplating. Lexie defends herself and is ready to be teased, but Cristina actually thinks that it's a genius idea because then she wouldn't have to leave surgery and yet could hydrate all she wants. Lexie can't really believe she's serious and so she says it's not like she was going to use it -- Cristina orders that of course she will, because it's hardcore, like the astronauts. It would be too easy to reference that poor astronaut who drove all night to confront her love rival, and did it in a diaper, wouldn't it? It would. Cristina orders her to put it on and offers to guard the door.

With a lumpy butt under her scrubs, she helps wheel Isaac towards surgery, all the while fidgeting with her undergarment while Avery shoots her weird looks. Derek warns them that if anyone says anything, they are fired, including a cheerful Isaac, and then they walk past the surgical board where Richard is showing off the new system to some board members. Richard says that this must be Mrs. Taylor for her craniotomy, but Derek just tells him that it's Mr. Taylor, and Richard assures the board they are working out the kinks. For someone who considers himself involved, it's interesting that he doesn't recognize Isaac, considering how invaluable he seems to be to everyone else that works there. Derek then wheels him along, brown-nosing that he wants to keep everything on schedule.

Once in the OR, Derek tells Isaac that if he gets in and it's too dangerous, the responsible thing to do would be to close him up. It's kind of a weird maybe-kinda-question, and Isaac firmly tells him that if it's too complicated, Derek should just cut the cord and paralyze him. He then tells Derek that he survived war and his family dying, including his wife and child dying in a refugee camp, and so he can also survive the loss of his legs if he must. He's relentlessly upbeat through this whole speech, and tells Derek that there is always a way, even when it looks like there is not, and that he and Derek are both people who are inspired when something looks impossible. He then offers one piece of advice, "To the world's foremost neurosurgeon." If he becomes frightened, he should turn that around to become inspired. It feels reminiscent of some outstanding advice from Barney Stinson. Isaac then tells them that he's ready.

There's a convenient surgical clock on display that I've never noticed before, so now we can see how much time has elapsed. 1:13 in, Isaac's back is open and Derek is just staring at the tumor. He exclaims quietly that it's more intricate than the scan showed, and there's no way to get to it without rupturing the cord. He then starts throwing out different ideas he could try, and both Avery and Lexie offer comments on his suggestions. They realize, though, that he's not talking to them at all, he's in his own world and talking to himself. Lexie keeps her eyes right on him as he mumbles.

Cristina is watching all of this from the gallery, totally morose, when Hunt comes in and tells her he's sorry about the contest. She demands to know who told him and is upset to learn that people are talking about what happened. She shuts down his attempts to discuss it and tells him that it's punishment enough to watch Lexie wear a diaper. Hunt guffaws at this little tidbit and points out that it's another reason to be glad she's not in the surgery, but she adamantly shoots back that she WANTS to be down there to do that. Hunt clearly doesn't know his girlfriend as well as he thought he did if he's surprised to hear that she wants to pee in a diaper. She does clarify that she doesn't want to pee, she wants to have to pee in a diaper, because she's in a surgery so long and difficult that she can't leave. Hunt looks a little scared of her and is speechless as Cristina gripes that Derek still hasn't made a single cut.

I don't know how long she waited up there, but down below now eight hours have passed and Derek is still just staring into Isaac's spine and mumbling. Lexie tries to get him to take a break but he refuses, and when Avery asks if she's wearing a diaper and starts needling her about needing a break because she can't bring herself to use it, Derek snaps and yells at them both to shut up. He tells Lex in no uncertain terms that he doesn't need a break, she should go if she does need one, and if either of them say another word they're dismissed. Lexie runs out past Bailey, who is walking in, and Derek snaps at her too. She just raises her eyebrows at him and tells him that while she's sure this surgery is totally authorized, she thought he would want to know that Richard is about to do a surgery across the hall so if he's going to make a cut, he should make it soon. Chastised, he thanks her, but she just gives him a "screw you" look and leaves.

Alex is on the phone arguing with Swender's office about Izzie's appointment the next day -- it sounds like she still hasn't confirmed, and he tells them to call her cell and begs them not to cancel the appointment. Reed comes up and comments, a little too nonchalantly, that he missed the contest, but Alex just snarks that he heard she tanked it. She brushes it off and goes on to say they are doing Shepherd's rounds for all his cancelled craniotomies. She then offers an olive branch -- that while she'd love to watch the crazy surgery, she could take care of everything herself so he can deal with Izzie. Alex both isn't in the mood and seems to not believe that she's sincere, telling her he had more respect when she called her "cancer wife," which was at least honest. She tells him she's trying to be human, but he claims she's trying to get all the glory for doing everything herself, which makes her the douche. She says she tried, tells him to throw away his marriage, and leaves for rounds, but he grabs the chart out of his hands to do it himself. Good grief, you two, just make out already.

Mark, Arizona and Callie are outside, and Mark watches through the window, and Mark is commenting on how Derek has cracked. They just give him a look, and Arizona reminds him not to be smug since it's one of their own on the table. Callie takes her turn at the window and says that it's depressing that after 10 hours of staring he can't figure out what to do. Naturally, the Chief is right behind her and hears this -- Callie stutters and tries to cover it up, so he glares at Arizona since he knows she has issues with authority figures.

Clearly she caved, because the Chief then walks inside and asks Derek if he cancelled all his surgeries to work on a spinal cord tumor. It's a dumb question, and Derek doesn't say anything, so Richard walks further in and reminds Derek that the risk of infection increases the longer he keeps Isaac open, plus this is costing thousands of dollars for him to do nothing. At least he pretends to care about the patient first, though you know that was just his single smart move of the day because I'm sure the thousands of dollars are foremost in his mind. He demands that Derek close up and leave the OR, and while he hasn't said a word the whole time, after a moment Derek quietly agrees. The Chief makes a point of stopping the surgical clock.

Once Isaac wakes, Derek tells him there was no way to do the surgery without risking his life, and that he won't cut the cord while Isaac is still walking but they can reassess in a few months. Isaac is just as zen as ever, and tells Derek he knows that he worked hard and is tired, and they'll just try again tomorrow. Derek tries to tell him know but Isaac just smiles at him and says, "Go home, sleep on it, we'll talk more tomorrow."

At home that night, Meredith tells Derek that she doesn't understand, and he tries to convince her that there isn't anything to understand -- he stared for 10 hours. He tries to change the subject and asks about her day, so she lets him know that she slept, ate a box of cereal, left messages for Izzie and tried and again failed to read Anna Karenina. He recognizes that she's trying to get back to talking about the tumor and she agrees, so he turns and seems really excited to start to explain it all to her. They go back and forth a bit and he tells her there was no path for him to cut, but when she asks why he has no answer. After thinking a moment, he jumps up, pulls the bed from the wall and then around so that Meredith is facing the space where her headboard just was, and pulls out a Sharpie to start drawing the spine and tumor on the wall. She points out that now he's lost his mind and she's really not wrong -- seriously, who does that, even if they are some surgical (or any other type of profession) god? But she smiles at him as he talks it out and draws on the wall, right underneath their framed marriage post-it.

It's now morning, which we can tell by the birds chirping, the pale light in the window, and the now multicolored and labeled drawing on the wall. Derek is going over how anything they propose could go horribly wrong, so Meredith finally suggests cutting the draining veins to expose the arteries. He tells her that they are thin and could burst, leaving him a quadrapalegic, so he might as well cut the cord. Meredith reminds him that he didn't cut the cord even though Isaac said he could, which, does he seriously need reminding of that? Why not try if the worst outcome is the one he was prepared for in the first place? She goes on that Derek stood there for 10 hours, knowing the Chief would stop him, and there must have been a reason. Sheer panic is not one she mentions, and so Derek thinks it over. There is quite an impressive amount of thinking (and pondering, and musing) in this episode.

Derek, Avery and Lexie are in a meeting with Richard, and it seems Derek told him he wants to just cut the cord. After Richard is assured that Isaac knows what that means, he reluctantly agrees and reminds Derek that it will only take 1-2 hours, and Hunt has the OR right afterward. In other words, it's a way to insure Derek gets out -- as if he thinks he has any control over what these doctors might actually do. He leaves, and Derek turns to his two residents and announces that they aren't cutting the cord. His mistake yesterday was making a plan when there can't be a plan, he has to just pick somewhere and cut. Lexie reminds him what happens if he hits an artery, etc. -- again, what happens is just what Isaac said they could do in the first place. Come on, guys! Think outside the box! Derek tells her that (finally): That Isaac wanted them to take the risk, and they have to try. He leaves, saying he'll see them in the OR.

Lexie frets about how bad this is but Avery is in awe and tells her no one at Mercy West was this badass. No, they were all too busy making each other their bitches. When Lexie just continues fretting, Avery tells her that Derek is her patient, so deal with it. Lexie pulls herself together and tells him that she wore a diaper yesterday and will wear it again today if it helps Derek. She then goes on about how awesome and hardcore her diaper is, and he only wishes he had the balls to wear it. On and on she brags, "Because I am a surgeon, and this is America, and I will do what needs to be done. So you can kiss my hardcore, diaper-wearing ass." He sort of smiles, but I can't tell if it's supposed to be amusement, or a sliver of respect, or a smirk -- he's beyond gorgeous, but doesn't have a huge range of facial expressions so far.

Cristina drags her ass up to Owen, standing at the surgical board, whining about having been woken from a nap. He's first surprised and then glad she got the rest, and then shows her their surgery on the board. It turns out it's a huge one that could take 10 to 15 hours, and he happily tells her to gear up. She beams and tears out to get ready, but just then Derek walks up and asks for a favor.

Lexie and Cristina and their hardcore lumpy asses walk down the hall, and the ladies each give each other a nod and smile of respect. Cristina only feels good for a moment, though, because the second she hears Hunt call her name she can tell that they aren't going to actually do the surgery. He tells her that Derek needs the OR, and she shuffles off, mumbling about having put on the diaper. Hunt seems shocked that she actually did that, and I'm shocked that he's shocked -- I figured that's what he knew she was going to do, and how can he still be surprised?

Derek is at the microscope again when Mark walks in, saying he heard he needed the support. Derek is surprised, not really in a good way, but Lexie tells him he needs an experienced surgeon to talk to, and he can't say no because she's in charge and she's prescribing it. He actually accepts this and then thanks her, heaves a big sigh, and makes his first cut. Alarms go off and everyone nearly panics, but then Derek says that the cut was successful -- one down, a whole bunch to go.

Alex and Reed are working on Derek's other patients -- the ones with things like measly brain tumors, not tumors that have basically grown into five inches of their spines -- but Alex keeps looking at his watch since it's time for Izzie's appointment. Reed finally gets him outside to talk to him and points out how distracted he is, and he should go while she finishes up. Alex bristles and tells her to mind her own business and asks why she even cares, and she says basically it's for Izzie. Girl power? I guess? She tells him there's a girl waiting for him, but Alex counters that she's the one who left and didn't even have the guts to do it to his face, then tries to shut Reed up and get back to work. Reed gives up, but not before a parting shot that this time, he's the one making the decision, not Izzie, and he'd better be at peace with whatever comes from that. It's finally what makes him turn around and stomp down the hall.

Back in Isaac's surgery, Derek makes another cut that results in a ton of blood, some alarms, and lots more panic. Cristina is upstairs in the gallery giving Mere a play-by-play on the phone, while at home Mere follows along with her new wall décor. Derek freaks out as they think they are losing him, and says they should have cut the cord. However, things calm down and it turns out everything is still fine. Derek steps back, and Lexie realizes something is wrong but not what, exactly. Derek yells at her to take off his mask and as soon as she does, he vomits on the floor. Wow, I hope none got in the open spinal cord right there. Everyone is kind of in shock, and Lexie rubs his back.

Everyone is gathered around him and while someone puts a mat over the puke splash, Mark gives Derek a pep talk. Lexie tries to get him to have some water and he gets pretty bristly about it and insists he doesn't need it -- that is, until Lexie yells an order at him to drink it. Shocked, he has some, while Mark looks on admiringly. It's very reminiscent of Alex forcing Izzie to have some water and take her pill, back before she got fired and ran off and made all of our lives more pleasant for a few weeks by not being here.

Speaking of, Alex is waiting in the chemo room, but there is no Izzie to be seen. He looks a bit like a lost little boy as people come and go and get treatment around him.

Hunt comes around the corner from the OR when he runs into the Chief, who is surprised he isn't in surgery. Hunt tries to cover with a story that Callie needed the OR, but Callie of course pops up at mention of her name and all is blown, as Richard realizes this means Derek didn't cut the cord. Callie tells Hunt that Bailey will stop him, but Hunt says Bailey is in the OR. Callie is dismayed because she knows who that leaves, and sure enough, Arizona steps in front of Richard to block his way. He tells her to move but this time, she finds her own inner hardcore badass and holds firm, reminding him that Derek is operating on a spinal cord and that any minor disturbance could cause him to make a mistake. She reminds the Chief that the patient is one of their employees and that she personally also wants to see him saved, "So no. You don't get to go in there and be a bully. Not today, Chief. Not on my watch." They stare each other down, but Richard caves first and walks off grinding his teeth. Callie is thrilled because she thought it would go differently, but Arizona deflates just then and starts to cry, which is more of what Callie had expected.

Bailey looks out the window and catches the end of the showdown, but when Derek asks what happens she tells him anything out there isn't his concern. The clock goes from 8 hours to 13 hours. Callie is now in there, and Derek admits to her that he can't tell if one particular vessel is feeding the cord or the tumor. He'd have to make a blind cut, and if he chooses wrong the patient could stroke out and die. He decides to come back later, which causes Callie to ask if he really would finish the whole thing only to then cut the wrong vessel and have it be for nothing. Derek's fully aware of this but decides to wait anyway. It wouldn't be my choice, but I'm not a world-class neuro god, so what do I know?

Sunrise comes 21 hours into the surgery, and he has less than two inches to go. There's new drama, though, when Avery's hands start to cramp. He shakes like a leaf and Derek orders him not to move while Isaac's blood pressure starts to drop, but he can't. Instead, Lexie reaches in, talking calmly, and steadies his hands, ordering him to close his eyes and breathe. Derek then asks him if he has had anything to drink -- he's smarter than the average bear and knows that cramping means he is dehydrated, and that he's dehydrated because he didn't have any fluids, because he didn't want to take a break and give Lexie a turn holding the retractor. Avery has to admit sheepishly that it's true, and Derek calmly tells him not to apologize, but rather to step aside so his diaper-wearing sister can take over.

Hour 26, and it's time to come back to that tricky vein, to choose the red wire or the blue wire. He asks Lexie what to do and she babbles a bit, so he calls her on stalling and asks Avery, who wisely tells him he's not into gambling. He then asks Mark, but Mark tells him he won't let Derek blame him for a wrong choice for the rest of his life. I kind of think that if Derek can forgive Mark sleeping with his wife that he could eventually forgive anything, but Mark's right that it still would be a good amount of time for the blame game. Derek isn't happy that they're making him decide, and there's lots of tense waiting and looking at everyone's faces while they wait. Arizona can't watch while Callie and Cristina get a rush from it, and Hunt points out there's no logical way to make the decision.

He actually resorts to "Eenie Meenie Miney Mo" but when Lexie calls him on it, he laughs a bit deliriously and admits he knows it's a bad idea. There's a whole lot more dramatic shots of everyone's eyes and the drums reach a crescendo... then Derek's voiceover begins again. "Ask most surgeons why they became surgeons, they usually tell you the same thing. The high. The rush. The thrill of the cut. For me, it was the quiet." After a few more beats, Callie yells that he made the cut, and Mere begs Cristina to tell her if it was the right one.

Isaac wakes after his surgery, and while Derek sleeps in a chair, Isaac wiggles his toes and his face crumbles. He's devastated and keeps moaning "no" waking a confused Derek. He asks Isaac what is wrong (how on earth he didn't guess for himself is totally beyond me, as this was a crazy risky improbable surgery) -- Isaac thinks that he once again couldn't go through with the surgery. Derek immediately corrects him that no, the tumor is completely gone. Isaac can't believe it and asks about his toes, so Derek repeats himself and assures Isaac will be fine. With tears rolling down his face, it finally sinks in, and he asks if he's going to be okay. Derek tells him yes, and after asking again Isaac starts to laugh, and takes Derek's hand, telling him he's a very good man. I really hope we see Isaac again as he's awesome, but even though he's supposedly a well-loved employee, I get the feeling he's really just another Patient of the Week. Oh well.

Derek VOs: "Peace isn't a permanent state. It exists in moments. Fleeting. Gone before we even knew it was there." Alex is still waiting in a darkened chemo room that night when Reed comes in, dressed in some very elfin, pointy boots. She reports on Derek's surgery and that she finished all the pre-ops so everything is good to go, but he just sits there like he did when he first got Izzie's note, kind of broken. He admits that Izzie didn't show up, and then says that she can't be this stupid, as a woeful female voice starts up on the soundtrack. He can't believe she didn't show for something that saved her life and starts to cry, asking, "Who doesn't show up?" Your spiteful, ridiculous wife, that's who. Reed doesn't quite know what to do, and just steps towards him as he sobs. Derek: "We can experience it at any time. In a stranger's act of kindness.

"A task that requires complete focus." Cristina is in the skills lab, practicing with the pen, the cup, and the dollar bills. She has a pile of discarded bills in front of her, and all have a red dot at the edge of George's mouth. Hunt comes in and after watching her, tells her she's standing too close. She refutes this and when he says he'll show her she asks, "You? Look at your hands. They're hams! Mine are tiny little geniuses." It's a relief, though, that this sounds more like Old Cristina -- super contrary, but not filled with straight-up venomous anger at all times. He tells her it's not about the hands and comes over to correct her stance. It's pretty sexy to see him move her body just slightly, and once he makes his adjustments, she tries again and gets George square on the nose. He tells her that if she stands too close, it throws everything else off, which sounds suspiciously like a Lesson we're going to get in an upcoming episode.

"Or simply the comfort of an old routine." The man behind the voiceover walks up to Richard as he writes up all the surgeries on the board again, old-school style. Derek waits a moment and when Richard doesn't say anything, tells his boss that they can't keep doing this, that he's tired of fighting and they should put it behind them; he can move on if Richard can. Richard's response, however, is to turn around and tell Derek, "You're fired. Immediately. Get the hell out of my hospital." He really is just a pathetic excuse for a leader, clearly threatened and scared and unable to make a single good decision. Derek seems to know this, and his face remains calm. As Isaac told him the day before, Derek advises Richard, "Go home. Sleep on it. We'll talk more tomorrow." He has one moment of real shock on his face but it's only for a half-second, and after he gives Richard that advice he looks both calm and smug. Ah, some things are eternal, and Derek's fantastically large ego is one of them.

"Every day, we all experience these moments of peace. The trick is to know when they're happening. So that we can embrace them. Live in them." He walks into the bedroom with a bottle of bubbly for a delighted Meredith, and crawls onto the bed next to her and puts his head on her shoulder. She happily tells him she wants to hear his version of the events from the very beginning, but when there's no answer she realizes he's already fallen asleep. Fair enough, after 26 hours of surgery. She's my kind of girl, though, and opens the champagne anyway within view of the wall that they are now stuck with, with a beautifully detailed, full-color Sharpie mural of a spinal tumor. Derek finishes, "And finally, let them go." Thus ends another surprisingly good episode of GA and, dare I say it? I'm kind of looking forward to seeing what comes next. Who could have possible expected that?

Galu return to camp. Erik interviews from his tree that Russell's departure is a huge loss for Galu and him specifically, since he had more confidence in him than anyone else on his tribe. Perhaps more importantly, though, the male alliance no longer has the numbers over the women. They decide that Shambo is their best bet to get the numbers advantage again, and they'll even "reward" her for helping them by getting her to the jury. The men nod and agree that this is a good plan and probably think they're really generous for allowing Shambo to make it all the way to the jury. Which they kind of are, actually, but only because of how she lost the snorkel and the chicken and would have been eliminated several episodes ago if Foa Foa wasn't so terrible at everything. "Even though she's a chick, Shambo doesn't fit in with the other girls," Erik explains diplomatically. The only way their plan will fail, they say, is if the women are able to win Shambo over to their side. And since Monica kind of hates her, I do not see that happening. Nor do I see the women even realizing that they should try.

We have gone like three minutes without seeing any Li'l Russell, and that simply will not do. Day 16 at Foa Foa, and the rain appears to have stopped for now. The tribemates sleep in their shelter, with Jaison shivering and cold but not trying to huddle up to anyone for warmth. What is up with these people? Why are they trying to get body heat from trees before other people? Li'l Russell says things are looking up for Foa Foa since they didn't have to vote anyone else out last night and Galu lost their Russell. "It's pretty damn close," Li'l Russell says of Galu's eight members over Foa Foa's five. Um, not really. Last time I checked, 8 was a larger number than 5. By 3, actually.

At Galu, it's time to elect a new leader. Erik wants Shambo to get it, and his fellow men agree. They decide to pretend that it's an individual vote and it "just so happened" that all of the men decided on Shambo. I'm sure none of the women will see anything strange about the least popular member of the tribe being voted into the leadership position by every single guy. No, really -- they probably won't. Erik says that this will also help them win Shambo over, because he knows her well enough by now to know that she will take being the tribe chief as some kind of vote of confidence. And take it too seriously. And then work way too hard to try to prove something even though no cares and die of dehydration or whatever. And so, he walks up to her and says he thinks she's the "best person" for the job of tribe leader. "'kay," Shambo shrugs, not at all as enthusiastic about it as Erik or I thought she'd be. Inside the shelter, the tribe decides to vote for their leader. Sure enough, Shambo gets all four of the men's votes. Interestingly, she does not appear to vote for herself. I think she voted for Erik, along with Monica who, by the way, is not at all pleased by this turn of events. Nor is her wonder twin. Monica interviews that the vote went by so quickly that she doesn't think anyone even knew what was going on, nor does she know how Shambo won it, especially when as far as Monica knew, Shambo was supposed to be sent home last night. She's starting to think there are things going on in camp that she doesn't know about, and that she was the one who was saved by last night's vote and not Shambo after all. Yes, Monica, good. Pretty soon you'll realize that you're on a show called Survivor, where people plot against each other's backs and stuff. Just keep thinking!

Shambo declares her "first act" as tribe leader "to be one of motivation and kindness," whatever that means. She says she "didn't ask for this" but will do the best she can. I guess Erik and I were wrong about Shambo because she is not into this leader thing at all, possibly because she's just self-aware enough to realize that it makes her a target. She says her leadership style is very different than Russell's, as she is "not bossy." But then she says something about how she was a sergeant in the Marines and thus expects her orders to be followed when she gives them. That sounds bossy to me.

Reward challenge! I see a bunch of platforms with pointy tops on them, all the better for someone to pass out and impale himself on. Probst calls the tribes in and takes a moment to bask in the hot, dry, sunlight before pointing out that Shambo is wearing Galu's leader necklace. Meanwhile, Foa Foa exchange looks like "I thought Shambo told us they hated her on that tribe. Hmmm!" Shambo says she isn't surprised to be elected leader, as she has "a lifetime of leadership skills," none of which she has actually displayed in this game so far.

Probst explains the challenge: it's a giant game of Memory, with the thirty-six platforms having sixteen pairs of survival items under them and four items that have no match for some reason. With each match, the team gets a point unless the tribe leader decides that he or she wants the matched item at camp, in which case the tribe receives that item but forfeits the point. Oh, that's pretty cool. The tribe with the most points at the end of the game gets an afternoon sailboat ride and lunch except for one member who will be sent to the opposing tribe. Shambo gets to sit three people out. She goes with Kelly, Dave Ball, and herself. Smart thinking, Shambo! Unlike Russell, who had no concept of his own limitations, she knows she's going to suck out at Memory and should stay as far away from it as possible. But now she has to assign someone else to make the decision on whether to keep the item or take the point. She immediately chooses Erik. Dave Ball immediately and loudly protests this for some reason, telling her to pick Brett instead. She does. Way to give the other tribemates cameratime, Shambo! Such a good leader.

The game begins. Galu gets the first match when Laura matches a fire-starting kit, which is a large amount of fire-starting supplies that are -- most importantly -- wrapped in a tarp. A precious waterproof tarp. "KEEP IT," Brett says immediately. "Thank god," Shambo says. Watch it not rain now for the rest of their time out there. Liz goes for Foa Foa and reveals a rusty cleaver with her first turn. The match was revealed earlier, so all she has to do now is remember where and pick it up for a match. She does not do this, instead picking up mosquito netting, the match to which was also revealed in an earlier turn. Whoops! Now Galu has their choice of which item to pick -- the netting or the cleaver. Brett goes next and matches the mosquito netting, taking the point instead of the item and giving Galu the lead.

Foa Foa goes up next. They did not discuss where the other cleaver was while Brett was off matching the netting, so Natalie goes out cluelessly and does not get the cleaver. Way to totally blow it, Natalie. "This challenge not as easy as it seems!" Probst says. Oh, yes it is, Probst. Pre-school kids play this. John goes up next for Galu and easily gets the cleaver match, giving Galu a second point. Then Li'l Russell matches what appears to be toilet paper to put Foa Foa on the board. Laura gets another match with some rope. Then we just go into a montage of matches and failures and points until Galu is up 6-3 with Brett deciding not to take the snorkel equipment over a point. I thought that was a stupid decision until Probst reveals that there are only three matches left, so the best Foa Foa can do is tie. And Natalie is up next. Bad news for Foa Foa. And yet, she manages to get a match! And now Monica is up for Galu. She reveals some eating utensils and confidently heads over to reveal the match. Galu wins! Again! Probst credits Shambo's leadership for their win even though she didn't do anything and asks her who she's sending to Foa Foa, thus missing out on the reward. We all know from the previews that she's sending Laura. She explains that she wants to "keep my guys strong" for tomorrow's challenge. Laura is PISSED. Kelly interviews that Shambo is acting like the girl raised in a trailer park who marries a rich guy and drives a Jaguar and treats everyone like crap. Um, how is it treating someone like crap to send them Foa Foa? Someone has to go, and Shambo herself had to go twice. Stop being a Bitter Betty, Kelly. On the way out, Mick interviews that Foa Foa can't win and they must be cursed. Or maybe you guys just suck at life. Stop blaming the fates on it, Mick. Maybe if you'd kept Betsy or Marisa instead of Natalie, you would've won this one.

After the break, Laura arrives at Foa Foa and meets the other team. She interviews that everyone at Foa Foa is very friendly before getting all pissed off about how Shambo chose her to go to camp, like what did she expect? She didn't seem to have a problem when Shambo had to go to Foa Foa twice and I'm sure she would've sent Shambo a third time if she had the choice, so whatever, Laura. But Laura says it's because Shambo "doesn't like [her]." Well, maybe if you pronounced her name correctly one time she might feel differently. Li'l Russell quickly swoops in and takes Laura hunting for crabs to bond with her over the fact that they're parents and also Christians. You see, Li'l Russell claims that his father was a preacher (I wonder if his congregation was in a section of New Orleans that was hit by Hurricane Katrina? You know, since his son is a firefighter there and all), which pairs nicely with the fact that Laura is apparently a "theology student" even though the text under her name says she's an "office manager." Why do they even bother defining people by their jobs on this show anymore anyway? Laura has a degree in "women's ministry," saying she has no desire to be a pastor to men because "I don't believe that that's the woman's role." Ugh, really? I liked her, too. Can't this show just give me one contestant to like? Why must everyone suck? Li'l Russell takes all of this in before offering to form a secret post-merge Final Two alliance. Li'l Russell says that his brilliant plan to make life tough for his tribemates failed miserably since they're going into a merge without the numbers, so now his only hope is to "work [his] Houdini magic" on Laura. Somehow, "Houdini magic" means telling Laura that she's a "good Christian" and her calling him a "brotha from another motha" back. The real Houdini would not have done either of those things. He says he will "work" Laura "like a fine tool." Well, if anyone knows anything about tools, it's probably him. Laura interviews that the option of having a secret alliance with Li'l Russell is good "food for thought." So she's not totally on board with it by any means but I'm sure in next week's previouslys they'll give Li'l Russell total credit for tricking Laura to join his side. Li'l Russell tells Laura that the immunity idol has already been found. Laura guesses that Shambo has it, and Li'l Russell totally blows a chance to stir things up at Camp Galu by telling her that Ben found it.

The rest of Galu are rowed out to a tall ship that Erik describes as a "pirate ship." Yes, a pirate ship. Run by a dastardly older white couple and a bunch of other people who do not look at all Samoan. Come on. Captain Whitebeard says the plan is to "set sail" and then eat, which Dave Ball is very happy about. But first, Galu has to help the crew get the ship ready to set sail, which is so unfair. I'd be like "give me food now please thanks," but the contestants don't seem to mind. Especially not the women, who do no work while the men raise the sails. Shambo mutters something about "the beautiful exuberance of the purple team" because she has either forgotten what their real tribe name is or just can't pronounce it. The ship's crew stupidly lets Kelly try the wheel and she nearly capsizes the entire ship. Dave Ball gets very carried away with the pirate theme, talking about booty, grog, and wenches. And then the food comes out: a meaty beef stew, rolls, and scones. Apparently, pirates do not care for vegetables. Shambo enjoys it all, saying it's a nice change after the first sixteen days. Monica takes this moment to thank her for not sending her to Foa Foa and says she shouldn't "feel bad" about sending Laura. Meanwhile, she interviews that Shambo sent Laura to show everyone that she was in charge now and doesn't sound grateful at all. Shambo says she wasn't happy to send anyone, but sending Laura was "the right thing to do by the tribe."

Yeah, whatever, let's go back to Foa Foa! I'm sure Brett and Kelly will get camera time at some point. While Liz struggles to start a fire, she is forced to listen to Laura and Natalie talk about: 1. Laura's motorcycle gang, which brings shame to motorcycle gangs everywhere when she says her pastor is a member and they usually just ride their Harleys to Starbucks for coffee, and 2. Some spiritual book they both read. Well, Natalie didn't really read it, admitting that she just skimmed it, but that was enough to get the positive and uplifting message of the book. Honestly, I don't even have to open one of those spiritual books to tell you that it will have a positive and uplifting message. Liz does not appreciate having to hear about this stuff while she's actually trying to work for the tribe so they can have food and water. She calls it "frustrating, disappointing, and at times, very infuriating." I'm sure most of that is because she has to know that she'll be the next Foa Foa member to be voted out and not Natalie, who is useless. She clumsily tries to convince the men of Foa Foa otherwise, saying they are having "a crisis" (in fire-starting, apparently?) while Natalie and Laura talk about books and Christianity. She appeals to Li'l Russell to turn against Natalie for this, but he just interviews that Liz is too stupid to walk and then he says a bunch of other meaningless bullshit about how he's in control of everyone's mind.

The Immunity Challenge finally arrives. It takes like ten minutes for the teams to walk in and then for Laura to be allowed to rejoin her tribe. Shambo makes sure to give her a big welcome back hug, unlike when Shambo returned to the tribe and Laura just stood there. Probst plants the immunity idol in the sand with a ridiculous musical flair and explains the challenge: both tribes will have to paddle a boat out to sea to retrieve six sets of fish-shaped puzzle pieces, then row back to the beach where three tribe members will attempt to solve the puzzle. First tribe to do so wins immunity. Probst makes a point that Shambo, Kelly, and Dave Ball (he actually calls him "Dave Ball" even though there are no other Daves there. I guess everyone calls him "Dave Ball." Everyone I know did. But no one ever called him "Danger Dave Ball") sat out the last challenge so they must participate in this one, even though there has been more than one occasion now where someone got to sit out in back-to-back challenges. Shambo is charged with choosing who to sit out for this challenge, which is tough for her because she just forgot John's name. Of course she did. Monica and Laura are also chosen to sit out. Probst has one more point to address: Mick is not wearing the stupid chief necklace because only Probst thinks stupid game conventions like this have any kind of significance. Mick says the team decided that their chief necklace was unlucky, because why blame yourselves for losing so many challenges when you can pin it on an inanimate object? "But you still have a leader," Probst says seriously, as if that's at all important. Wouldn't it be awesome if both tribes just refused to have a leader? Mick says that yes, he is still the leader. Probst says that this challenge can proceed, then.

Probst says go and the tribes are off. Foa Foa takes the lead by having Natalie and Liz hang out in the boat while the men push it as far out to sea as possible. Probst claims they're "using the height of Jaison," but the water is only like waist-level on Mick. Although I guess that means that Li'l Russell is underwater. Galu tries to follow the rules and row their boat, but they go nowhere and end up copying Foa Foa and jumping out to push it. Well, that's stupid. Way to put the challenge in such shallow water that it's actually faster to push the boat than row it. Both tribes arrive at the first puzzle-piece-retrieval area, where two tribemates must use fishing poles with hooks on the end to catch the sets. Too bad Galu hasn't been doing any fishing to practice for this despite winning that fishing set weeks ago. Liz and Natalie do a great job getting their pieces, keeping Foa Foa in the lead. Shambo tries to cheer Dave Ball on in his fishing, only for him to say "can you be quiet? That'd be great." She doesn't listen though, still saying "you can do it!" while he continues to tell her to shut up. Meanwhile, Foa Foa got all of their puzzle pieces and are making their way back to the beach. "Get on it, both of ya!" Shambo cheers her team. "QUIET!" Dave Ball requests. Galu manages to catch up to Foa Foa by the time both team boats hit the beach, as they have three people paddling and Foa Foa is still trying to swim their canoe back. Also, Jaison has dropped back and isn't helping them with the canoe at all, which Probst makes sure to loudly call out.

Both teams seem to start the puzzle at about the same time. Jaison, Mick, and Liz are doing it for Foa Foa while Kelly, Brett, and Dave Ball do it for Galu. Both teams think the key to solving it is to keep the similarly-colored fish pieces together, but that's just a red herring. Haw haw haw! They key is that the pieces don't all fit together, but leave gaps, so you're looking for a pattern in those gaps. Liz appears to have already figured that out at Foa Foa, only for Galu to realize the same thing just after her, with Brett leading the way. Not like he'll get any airtime for that. Sure enough, Galu solves the puzzle first while Foa Foa isn't even close. Wow, Foa Foa just sucks. At everything! Probst awards the idol to Galu, and Shambo makes sure to give it to Brett, the MVP. Mick doesn't have much to say for his team, but Li'l Russell VOs that "these idiots are probably gonna cost me a million dollars." Well, you could have done the puzzle, but then if you had failed you couldn't have bragged about how smart you are. So you didn't. He says he's starting to think about voting Jaison out because he gave up during the challenge.

I hope you enjoyed the five minutes of Galu you got today, because it's all Foa Foa from here on out! We head back to Foa Foa. Li'l Russell wanders around camp and tells us that Jaison sucked out of the last challenge. "He's sure not gonna be my attorney," he says. Yes, because the mark of a great lawyer is being able to solve fish puzzles. He follows Mick around and asks him how Galu beat them at puzzles when Mick is a doctor and Jaison is a lawyer. I guess because you don't necessarily have to be a genius to solve puzzles? Or to be a lawyer or a doctor, for that matter. And you clearly don't have to be a genius to be a little giant blowhard on this show.

Meanwhile, Liz tries to figure out a way not to be voted out tonight. "Dude, something has to change," she says. Jaison agrees with her. He so wants to go home. He just can't bring himself to actually say it out loud, because that would be embarrassing, as well it should be. "I just don't know how we always lose our lead," Liz says, knowing full well it's because Jaison gave up and probably hoping everyone else in the tribe will make the connection. In an interview, Jaison admits that he was "dead weight" during the challenge and that could get him voted out tonight. He tries not to look too happy about this.

Li'l Russell and Liz walk down to the beach. Liz keeps trying to trash-talk Jaison, but Li'l Russell just talks over her, saying they have two choices tonight: Natalie or Jaison. Liz says she realizes that Jaison gave up during the challenge, but Li'l Russell says it again anyway just to try to make it look like he's the one who figured that out and everyone else fell in line with what he said. Liz interviews that she's more optimistic about the vote tonight since although she and Natalie are "smaller" and "weaker" than the guys, Jaison might be a better choice to vote out. Liz needs to get over this whole women=weak thing that basically destroyed any chance she had to create a powerful women's alliance on her tribe and is probably part of the reason why they're so bad off now. Li'l Russell interviews that the vote tonight is all up to him, of course, and whether he can trust Liz post-merge or if Jaison, who he can trust, will be an asset to the tribe in challenges. Natalie, Mick, and Jaison don't appear to have anything to say about tonight's vote.

Foa Foa arrives at Tribal Council, where Probst goes over "the dismal facts." Hey, remember when he used to rip sucky tribes apart at Tribal Council for losing so much? You know, back when his favorite player of all time wasn't on one of those tribes? Now that Li'l Russell is the second coming of Jesus Christ, we're going to sugarcoat the fact that he can't lead his tribe to a victory to save his life. "One of the worst overall performances of any tribe in the history of the game," Probst sums up with little venom. Compare that to what he used to say to Fang in Gabon after just three challenges, one of which Fang won! Ridiculous. He asks Natalie how the tribe is feeling these days. Natalie says they're trying to stay positive because negativity isn't going to help them. Well, positivity doesn't seem to be helping them much either. Li'l Russell agrees that he wakes up every morning anticipating that this will be the day his tribe's luck turns around. And then he goes off with his walking stick and does 9,134,323,453,246,532 interviews about how awesome he is and how stupid and useless his tribemates are. He says when the merge happens, Foa Foa will outwit Galu. Or rather, he says that he, Li'l Russell, will outwit all of Galu.

Probst asks Liz if she trusts her tribemates going into a merge. She says she does. Probst asks Mick the same question, and he has the same answer, adding that they may have sucked out loud at the challenges in this game, but they still have to play the "social game" going into a merge, and trust will play a huge role in their success there. Probst asks Li'l Russell if this closeness with his tribemates makes it hard to vote one of them out tonight. Li'l Russell says it does, and since this is Tribal Council, they can't cut to an interview of him patting himself on the back for lying to Probst like that. He promises that this game will change once the merge happens. Yes, it will. We will no longer be able to cut to Galu to get away from Li'l Russell for even a minute or two. It will be ALL LI'L RUSSELL ALL THE TIME. I can't wait.

Probst points out that Jaison looks pretty down. He says losing is frustrating, and admits that he played a role in his tribe's loss today. Liz nods. Li'l Russell smirks. Natalie stares blankly. Probst asks if it would be "fair" of his tribe to vote Jaison out tonight based on his performance. Jaison says if the tribe decides that getting rid of him is what they need to do to win, then he hopes they win. He so wants them to vote him out. He hates it out there. I don't blame him, except for the fact that he shouldn't have gone on this show in the first place. With that, it's time to vote.

Liz votes for Jaison. Jaison votes for Liz. Li'l Russell is shown as the last person to vote, even though he's sitting in the middle of the bench and voting order is always determined by where people are sitting from left to right. Which means he didn't actually vote last but the editors want us to think he did because he's just that fucking important. They then show us Probst walking off to get the urn because they were apparently short on footage this week even though they could have, oh I don't know, shown us more of Galu perhaps? I mean, does anyone really want to watch Probst more than an entire tribe, aside from Probst and Probst's mom? Probst returns with the urn. There's one vote for Jaison and the rest are for Liz, so that's it for her. "Good luck, guys," she whispers. Do we really need to see seven shots of Li'l Russell smirking like he had something to do with Liz being voted out tonight? How is everything that happens on this show somehow about him? Liz leaves and Probst says that Foa Foa may "not be very successful at challenges" (a.k.a. SUCK) but "you're gettin' really good at blindsides." Except that was not a blindside. Someone tell Probst what a blindside is. Oh but first -- another shot of Li'l Russell.

Next week on Survivor: we merge tribes at 12 (when Foa Foa has 4 members) instead of 10 (when Foa Foa would no doubt have only 2) because Li'l Russell needs all the help he can get.

You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, follow her on Twitter, or you can email her at saramorrison@gmail.com.

Over in the girls' locker room, Althea's head is being eaten by an octopus and no one is helping her! It is a competition after all. Hmm. Maybe the octopus is actually one of her family secrets for achieving perfect hair. Okay maybe they are curlers, but, wow!, that is a LOT of curlers. Granted she has enough hair for an entire '90s hair band (including the saxophone player who just shows up for soulful solos during the rock ballads.) Irina is pretending to be humanoid and plays well with the other girls in her suite as they boast about the size of their ranks. (RANKS, not racks, minds out of the gutter please.) Althea thinks she, Irina, and Carol Hannah are the best designers in the competition and that Christopher, Logan, and sad, sad Gordana have proven they can't play with the big girls. Gordana is too depressed to even get out of bed at this point. Carol Hannah's exuberance (or mascara) has not rubbed off on Gordana at all (it's waterproof!), but Carol Hannah is not entirely composed of sunshine and bubbles and Lash Blast. She is concerned because all she has shown the judges is dresses. She pinky-swears that she can make pants too. Just not, you know, today.

The designers are lined up with their backs facing the runway. This situation has come about because after last week's disappointments the judges can't stand the sight of them anymore. Christopher hears rustling noises, squeaks, and hides under his chair because he knows (KNOWS) that the judges are coming to flatten him or at least, flatten his faux-hawk. Heidi surveys the backs of the designers contemplating who to take out first. She glances around, realizes the cameras are rolling, sighs and tells them to turn around. The designers all gasp when faced with the ghosts of designs past that have filled the runway. Each of the designer's winning looks is displayed on a dress form. Well, except for Logan's. He never had a dress that won, so they've given him a dress that didn't win and thus it doesn't get to be on a dress form, but instead is sloppily tacked to the front of one, like the producers didn't want to expend the effort of actually putting it on the mannequin. Logan sighs in despair because he can see that smoke in the distance and knows that the train of termination is coming for him. Heidi explains that the challenge is that they must create a companion look for their outfit. Logan is excited to be working with his floor-length grey dress with the zipper accent. Irina obviously takes a moment to be bitch. She thinks this challenge will really show the difference between the good designers and the lucky wins. Of course in Irina's overblown head, every design was a lucky win except for hers. She thinks a few people should have gone home already. In fact, they should probably just give her the $100,000 check and the Buick right now and send everyone else home.

Tim meets the designers in the work room to explain the rules. They will have $100 for materials and can work only until midnight to complete their looks. Everyone gasps in horror. Althea explains that her winning look was a mini-skirt with a "paper bag" waist as in the top is cinched together with a belt like a paper bag. This is by no means the same thing as a cinched up Hefty bag. This is paper, not plastic. She wants to use the paper bag waist on a pair of pants and then make an oversized sweater to complete the look. As a designer, she likes to play with volume. Yes, your hair speaks volumes to that point. It's like her hair has a secret life. I mean, was it that... large at the beginning of the competition? Has her hair been going out at night and living the high (very high) life in the big (very big) city? Irina is excited to be working with her Aspen look, while Gordana was assigned her edgy grey dress from the divorcee challenge and wants to replicate that edgy sophistication. Speaking of sophistication... oh wait, no, we're talking about Christopher. He thinks this challenge is so fantastic on this like metaphysical level where you have to be inspired by your own inspiration. It's like Richard Simmons, but with frocks. His winning design was a short dress, but he does not learn anything from this rather obvious statement and instead decides that he is going to make a long dress. Only he calls it a gown to make it sound less like a bad idea. Also, I have always hated the dress that won. It's the one that sort of looks like a plastic poodle on the top and a bedskirt on the bottom. But the judges loved it, so it must be AMAZING and I am a blind moronic monkey with no fashion sense at all. Oh well.

Tim takes the designers to Mood for their textile needs. He reminds them that they only have a hundred clams to make or break their designs. I know the Mood budgetary and time restrictions are supposed to be another level of the challenge, but I think they are kind of ridiculous. There are far more interesting ways to challenge the designers then by rearranging the charmeuse and swapping the denim with the taffeta each episode. Why not, say, tie their hands behind their backs and force them to sew with their mouths?! Now, THAT would be a challenge. Anyway, Logan has decided to take the zipper from his original look and stick it in a room with some candles, a nice vintage of Colt 45, and the smooth tones of Marvin Gaye and just let that zipper procreate so he can make a dress out of nothing but zippers. Christopher has opted away from the sundries (a choice I firmly support) and instead is listening to the voices in his head that are telling him to switch it up. He picks an identical fabric to his original dress, but switches it up by buying it in... silvery white. Dream big! He buys 30 yards. Which would be sheer madness, except the fabric is opaque. Irina has stumbled on a brocade so lovely that any remaining scraps should definitely be used to re-upholster the couch. Carol Hannah is having a fashion brain fart, luckily Tim is there to offer a cool guiding hand to help her see the light. He points out that making pants when she is only comfortable making dresses would probably be a bad choice. While Tim hasn't had the best track record this season as far as doling out the advice (*cough* shirt dress *cough*), Carol Hannah knows he is right. She's making a dress, suck it, trousers!

Back at the workroom, the designers start to craft their outfits. Irina describes her new outfit as being about work while her old outfit was designed for a battered woman in Aspen sipping champagne and hiding her bruises under a giant cowl neck sweater. Or something like that. Althea and Irina are almost friendly, although if I were Althea I would take Irina's advice with a whole handful of salt (and I'd have bigger hair). Logan points out that Malvin (oh, remember Malvin? I wish he was still around) made jodhpurs and got sent home for his efforts. Althea glares at Logan for pointing that out and Logan retreats to his work station muttering about needing more testosterone and OH MY GOD how did I not know he was completely bow legged? He must have some big cojones to walk that wide a stance. Gordana thinks that the energy in the room has really changed and is filled with nervous energy instead of the tomfoolery and shenanigans that so irritated Irina last week. THE DARKNESS IS WINNING. The six designers all work feverishly in their efforts to make it to Bryant Park. I guess when they moved the show to LA they did make it a lot harder to get to Bryant Park, at least mileage-wise.

Who knew Rob Lowe had a secret simultaneous career on the Lifetime network? I need to watch more television!

It is eight hours until the end of the day and at this point in the competition it is time to really start unloading those clichés. Yes, yes, they've hinted at them before, but the pressure is really on now, so clichés in bulk are called for. Christopher knows that the pressure is on, because one of them is going home. And it's not one out of fifteen. Nay, it is one out of six. I feel like that sentence should have the same tagline as a Die Hard movie, like, "One out of Six: This Time It's Personal." Logan jumps on the cliché train noting that when he looks around the room he sees five other designers plus Althea's hair, which makes six. (He's cute and he can count? Swoon!) But he thinks that being from Idaho (wait, wah? Don't they always say Seattle?) he has a different perspective. Er... yeah. I guess we should be proud that he's not just making potato sack dresses. Being from the state which is most known for potatoes, separatism, and succession aspiration, he is different. He can go from fixing a car to making a dress. Oh my god, he is the Tim Riggins of fashion design. Can you imagine if Tim Riggins (and if you don't know who I am talking about run, don't skip or crab walk, but RUN over to iTunes or Netflix or Amazon and start watching Friday Night Lights RIGHT NOW. I'll wait.) designed clothing? Okay so holy hell Logan is the Tim Riggins of Project Runway, the fuck up with the heart of gold who will fix your car and break your heart in five minutes flat. How did I not know this until now? I thought he was from Seattle and that he fixed me a latte at Vivace once. But he replaces an engine on his Chevy pick up, wipes off the grease, turns around and creates a floor-length silk charmeuse gown with zipper accents? I LOVE HIM. So my newly beloved Logan thinks he has a great shot at showing in the tents of Bryant Park because he has a unique perspective. Gordana interrupts my revelry with a tale of an impoverished upbringing on the border of Bosnia and Serbia. Her rise to reality television stardom is not something she could have dreamt of as a child on her parents' farm. Reality television has gotten so ubiquitous that I bet there is a little child on a farm outside Belgrade looking up at a star and wishing and hoping that someday she might be able to compete on Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Gauntlet III: This Time It's Personal. Maybe she'll reach her dream. Or maybe she'll get to be an extra on The Amazing Race. Carol Hannah still hasn't settled on a design for her look. She has commitment issues. She makes sure to make her commitment issues known to Logan so that if he wants to, you know, check her oil, he knows if he doesn't call her in the morning she won't start stalking him. Christopher bought thirty yards of white fabric, which he thinks will lend his signature look to his piece. Logan and Carol Hannah are not sure that sending down an entire dress made exclusively of ruffles is such a great idea, but Christopher wants the judges to see the dress and KNOW it is "A Christopher." I am guessing that the judges already can guess which gowns are his. And, frankly, calling something "A Christopher" sounds ominously like it could be taken out of context really easily, like "He totally pulled A Christopher." Or "Ugh, that dress was such A Christopher." Or "Did you see that guy totally gave her A Christopher." Not necessarily something to aspire to.

Tim comes to check on the designers' progress (it's like Pilgrim's Progress with Bryant Park standing in for Heaven). Carol Hannah is up first and she is the first to admit that her outfit is a big ugly mess. Tim does not disagree, but with his trained eye for design he gives Carol Hannah a big pointer about layering the green under the black and she is off running in her new direction. Okay, it sounds stupid when you write it down, but I swear, it was a HUGE tip and the camera kept cutting to Irina like she was about to get all Brooklyn (Brighton Beach, not Williamsburg) on Tim for giving Carol Hannah such big advice. Irina explains her last minute change of heart from skirt and jacket to mini dress and oversized sweater. Tim thinks the brocade fabric and the oversized sweater are unexpected. In a good way. He seems a little reserved, but probably because he is scared of Irina. Christopher is not so lucky. Tim thinks Christopher's winning dress was youthful, vibrant, and sexy, and the new gown Christopher is working on looks like her mother's dress. Christopher doesn't seem to think that dressing someone's mother is a bad thing. I mean, Michael Kors has built a brand on it. Tim thinks he has a lot of work and not much time ahead of him. Althea is next and she is looking forward to her model fitting, because she needs to make sure the proportions work on her model. Tim thinks she needs to worry a little more about the fact that her pants look like something baby MC Hammer would have worn and that she should scour the Macy's accessory wall for some Pampers. No, really, he thinks her pants look like they are ready for a diaper. She doesn't even blink at that harshness but swears she has faith in her pants. Tim agrees her sketch is good, but she has to execute it well. If she does, she could have a winner. Logan's look has Tim excited. He has made a collar out of some of his 400 zippers and both he and Tim really like it. Althea, however, is not a fan. She thinks that when she did the same collar last week it looked better. She is annoyed that Logan would be "inspired" by her collar to such an extent, but whatever. She'll just wait until it is dark out and he is sleeping and then she will send her hair over to kill him. Gordana is the last stop for Tim and her jacket and skirt are not inspiring Tim at all. Gordana, showing the perseverance and determination of her forebears in fighting potato blight and genocide equally, loves the look and is pushing forward despite Tim's concerns that the seams look sloppy and unfinished. Meanwhile, Althea, who swears she is totally fine with it, is cupcaking with Irina about how Logan totally stole her look. She pretends she is going to confront him on borrowing her collar. Like she wouldn't just crumple in front of his awesomeness. And, I hate to be the one to tell you this Irina, but fashion is almost all about "borrowing". You see something from one designer or an era and reinterpret it and make it your own. That is fashion. You get inspired by what's around you and remake it. I mean, yes, it might be annoying when the guy in the cubicle next to you re-interprets it, but unless you can tell me that you have never looked at anyone's outfits, never glanced a fashion magazine, seen movie, or walked into a store, I won't believe you have never been influenced. Also, IRINA? You're kibbutzing with Irina? Oh Althea, you are innocent. Tim is excited about the looks he is seeing (except Christopher) and he sends in the models.

The models swarm the work room and squeal in excitement about their latest looks. Irina entertains herself by mocking Christopher's dress. She thinks there is nothing to say about it except that it looks like one dress is throwing up another. Okay, she might be right. Althea continues her bitchfest, complaining to her model that Logan is stealing her ideas and shouldn't even be in the competition anymore because he's never even had a top three look. The model doesn't really care about Althea's naïve assertions or bitchy bitching. After the fitting, the challenged get back to their drudgery. Christopher is nervous because when he did his original look, it took him eight hours to melt the plastic flowers on to the dress. I still hate that dress. It looks like one of those craft projects from the '70s where you melt plastic into adorable poodle shapes or something. No like! Irina, with her superior time management skills, has a moment to relax and sneer at all the other designers' work. She thinks everyone is in trouble in this challenge except her. It is midnight and as the designers head home the last word out of Logan's mouth is: "What a nightmare." Uh oh, is Tim Riggins in trouble? Will Coach Taylor save him with a rousing half-time speech?

The next morning all the designers (except for Irina) are feeling the pressure. Carol Hannah still has to make a shirt, fix her skirt, adjust the straps and do hair and makeup, but she is driven by the power of Greyskull (mascara) and will finish it all. Irina does a good job pretending to play well with others, but you can tell she is just calculating and gathering intel on her competition. Christopher also has a lot of work to do and he and Logan and Carol Hannah all have the sewing machines racing the second they get in to the workroom. Althea is handstitching her sweater, but makes the time to help Gordana find a hook-and-eye closure. Irina, would only take the time to put a hook in an eye if it would eliminate a competitor. She interviews that she isn't here to make friends (we noticed, thanks) and pretty much always gets what she wants (scary!). Logan explains the origin of Irina's nickname Meana Irina. Its derivation is from the fact that it rhymes, and she is mean. He wishes the judges would pop her overblown ego like one of those pimple things he heard of somewhere. Two hours until the runway, Tim sends in the models for L'Orealing and Garniering. Althea's model loves Carol Hannah's dress (TRAITOR!), but Althea seriously has her bitch on this episode and can't help but point out that Carol Hannah always does dresses. Now, she, Althea and her wonder mullet, have cute dresses, but she (with the help of her locks of love) has also done pants and jackets. She is surprised that the judges have not come down on Carol Hannah for being a one trick pony. She, Althea, is a multi-trick pony and she expects full credit for that. Was Althea always this bitchy? Or is the peroxide slowly eating through her brain? Carol Hannah, oblivious to the one-woman bitch session taking place mere feet away from her, likes her dress. SHE IS SO STUPID! IT IS JUST A LITTLE DRESS. I WILL SQUASH IT LIKE A BUG. Oops sorry that was Althea's hair talking. I beat it into submission with a straightening iron. Suddenly it is only ten minutes until the runway. Everyone scurries into their outfits while the designers each take a moment to badmouth the competition. Logan thinks Gordana is taking the challenge too literally and to ill effect. Irina thinks it is hilarious that Althea is complaining about Logan stealing her collar, when it is obvious to the non-drunk, non-stupid people in the world that clearly Althea was inspired by Irina's Aspen sweater. And, now that we see Althea's finished look, Irina may have a point. There is definitely a similarity of style between the two looks. That is really funny. Time is up and Tim corrals everyone to the runway. It is show time!

Heidi storms the runway in a wackadoodle outfit comprised of silver knee length walking shorts that may or may not be made of leather a pink ruffled tuxedo shirt and a shrunken black blazer with bejeweled accents around the elbow. I once read an Archie comic where Betty and Archie were both helping Veronica paint her house and Betty spent the whole time industriously working and Veronica just changed her outfit five times and totally won over Archie with her hot painting togs. Like, she would waltz into the room where Betty was scraping lead paint off a wall with her teeth and Veronica would throw up her arms and say "Ta da! Painting togs!" And Archie would drop his paintbrush and lunge at Veronica with his eyes bulging (and probably pants, too, but they didn't show that). The point of this is that whenever Heidi walks on stage in some insane outfit that no one would ever wear in public and everyone is supposed to gasp in pleasure, I think of she should really put forth the effort to say, "Ta da! Painting togs!" Because at least then we would know what the hell she was wearing. Heidi recaps the challenge and reminds the designers that they had $100 and one day to create a companion piece for their best look. The designers shrug, because they know this already. What they don't know is who will be judging them this week. Judge number 1 is Nick Verreos, contestant on season two and a fashion instructor. He and his pocket square smile like they mean it. Nina Garcia is here to offer a soupcon of stability and continuity in the judging for this season (although she's only been here, what, three times?). Rounding out the judging panel is Kerry Washington, an actress and a face of L'Oreal. I am too embarrassed to admit that the only movie I know her from is Fantastic Four 2: This Time It's Personal.

The show starts with Carol Hannah's simple black dress. It is a very bouncy sundress with a snug waist and a very full skirt that ends above the knee and has pockets. (Pockets! You girls know what I mean.) I don't really see how it relates to the feather-and-bead extravaganza that was the inspiration, but it is a very cute, very wearable dress. Althea sends a fetching fashion forward look down the runway. Her pants are very similar to her winning skirt with the same paper-bag waist. The pants flare, but stop at the knee, saving them from being harem pants or jodhpurs. She has paired them with a simple tank with elaborate straps and a grey sweater with a lot of material around the neck creating a cowl-like effect. Her model really rocks the look and it is one of those moments where you realize that having a good model can totally save or sell your look for you. Logan's look is next. It does not look good. The collar he created sticks straight up and is connected to a plunging neckline giving the dress a sort of vampiric affect. The skirt is short and layered with netting and seems to have no relation to the top half of the dress at all and the leather belt that divides the two does not make the look more cohesive. The cap sleeves are made out of zippers and so are the accents on the top. The overall effect is of Judy Jetson going as a vampire-biker for Halloween. He is proud of his work and thinks it is not something you will see anywhere else. For really good reason. Sigh... he totally pulled A Christopher. Irina is next and her color palette and oversized knits tie her two looks together cohesively. Her model unwraps the oversized brown sweater revealing the brocade strapless form fitting mini dress underneath. It's cute although I still don't like the color palette. Following Irina's success is Gordana's drab look and you can already tell it has FAIL written all over it. The grey suit jacket is long and fits the model well, but the collar is flopping around like a forlorn flapjack and looks sloppy and unfinished. You can tell Gordana thought about it -- and she claims to love the look she sent down the runway -- but it doesn't work. Christopher's dress explosion rounds out the show. He seems to have taken exactly none of Tim's advice and the dress is as large and in charge as Divine in Hairspray. It is not fun or youthful but is a black halter with a cascade of grey "petals" and white ruffles. When his model turns you see the petals trails up the back of the dress. It kind of looks like a raccoon tail (not in a good way). Christopher claims he took the judges' words to heart and really stepped it up. He didn't do anything safe or simple, but really pushed it. Oh honey, all you pushed were the boundaries of good taste. He has a huge smile on his face as his models bushy tail trails off the runway.

As there are only six designers left, all the models join their designers on the runway and the judges sneer at everyone. Christopher is first and he tries to explain what the hell he was thinking sending that dress down the runway. He explains that he totally thought the challenge was to create a wearable dust mop and he completely owned it. Nina thinks it is so bottom heavy that it looks like a parade float. Nick's mouth thinks it needed editing, but his eyes say DIE DIE DIE. Heidi thinks it looks like his model took the bedskirt with her when she got up this morning. Christopher nods eagerly like a puppy who keeps getting whacked on the nose but keeps hopping up looking for a treat. It's sad. I'll call the ASPCA to see if they can take him home. Irina fares much better under the judges' gaze. She wanted to create an evening look to accompany her Aspen outfit. Everyone thinks it is elegant and upscale. Everyone except Nina who thinks the tight brocade dress looks cheap. For that, Irina arranges a hit by calling her daddy who is in the Russian mob. You know it is true. Gordana wanted to make an elegant silhouette to pair with her last edgy look, but instead made a sad drab floppy uniform. Nick thinks it looks like an office worker in Poland, Nina thinks the collar and the darting and the length of the jacket are dated. Heidi stamps FAIL on Gordana's forehead and sends her backstage. Is it just me, or does it seem that Heidi saves her harshest words for Gordana? Is there some longstanding ethnic rivalry between Bosnians and Germans? Gordana lamely defends her look by bleating, "I like it. So... sorry." Which is a masterful piece of passive aggressiveness. Like how are the judges supposed to respond to that? Carol Hannah's dress is applauded for its lightness and simplicity. Logan explains that his look is the sportier side of his previous piece. He admits it is on the brink of costumey but he could totally see someone like Pink wearing it at the VMAs. Wow, what did Pink ever do to Logan to deserve that slur? At that thought, Nina makes a face like Heidi just laid a whiffer. Her face is so wrinkled in her obvious dislike for the look that Kerry starts giggling. Nina thinks it looks like student work because the ideas are there, but the look is so unflattering. Nick thinks it is simultaneously '80s and futuristic. So... extra points for time travel? Upon seeing Althea's look, Heidi utters her highest accolade, "I want it." Althea giggles in response. She loves the pants, loves the sweater. Heidi then asks the question that was obviously planted by the producers. She wants to know who had the overblown sweater idea first: Althea or Irina? Irina smirks appreciatively and Althea feigns ignorance. Irina takes the opportunity to point out that she did a big knit sweater look last week, so obviously she was first. Nick isn't really interested. He knows people influence each other when they are working next to each other. Althea lamely claims she came up with the idea independently, which is a defense to copying, but if you have easy access and exposure to the thing you are copying it loses viability. Not that fashion design is copyright protected, because it is not. You can go to Forever 21 and prove that to yourself. Irina continues trying to call Althea a copycat without flat out calling her a copycat, but the judges have moved on. Heidi loves Althea's look and Nina loves the proportion. Irina bites her tongue, but is still smirking. Heidi sends everyone off stage so they can talk about them in private.

The judges mull. They think Irina's outfit was wearable and chic and looked really luxe. They also love Althea's look because she created something architectural but cozy. It was impeccably crafted, too. Carol Hannah's cocktail dress rounds out the top three. They think it is young and beautiful and refined with a quiet elegance that all of them could wear. Nick doesn't argue, so I won't either. They move on to the designers with the lower scores. Logan's look is universally derided as being the '80s idea of the future. Nina calls it an indulgent fashion student project. Heidi remembers that she told Logan to let the judges know who he is and unfortunately he is zippers. (I am Zippers! Here me roar!) Zippers might be the worst clown name ever. Gordana's attempt at edgy elegance was so sad that no one really wants to talk about it. Christopher's dress incites giggles because it was just so misguided. Too many petals, too much material, bedskirts! The have made their decision. The challenged file back on to the runway for judgment.

Heidi reminds the designers that one will be in and one will be out. The designers manage to avoid shrugging or rolling their eyes, which is actually pretty impressive considering how impatient they must be at this point. Carol Hannah is safe. She smiles and leaves the runway. Althea stares down the judges like if they pronounce Irina the winner her hair will leap from its place and strangle them all. The judges take the threat seriously and announce that Althea is the winner of the challenge. Althea's hair settles down as the judges explain that they all wanted Althea's outfit for themselves. Althea readily agrees to the bribe and heads backstage to make her victory lap into Carol Hannah's open arms. Oh Carol Hannah don't be nice to her! She accused you of never making pants! You can't be friends with someone like that. Althea pretends not to understand what Irina was accusing her of, but then tries to distinguish between her hours-long screed against Logan and his collar and the unfounded and cruel accusation made against her by Irina. The difference is that she talked about Logan behind his back, while Irina did it in public. Oh, right. In the end though, she doesn't care, because she won and Irina didn't nyah nyah nyah. Back on the runway, Irina shrugs and accepts her runner's up pass to the next round of competition. I would call it the Miss Congeniality spot, but Irina SO isn't congenial.

The bottom three remain on the runway. Heidi calls Christopher and his ears perk up. He is safe. Good god, can't they just put him out of his misery already? He's been in the bottom for four weeks (or is it five?) running. Just send him home to his parents' basement so he can go back to making slutty outfits for his Barbies. Don't get me wrong, Logan and Gordana both deserve to be in the bottom this week, but Christopher should not be allowed to design another day. Heidi turns to Gordana and tells her that her two looks were not related. Her outfit was sad and drab and dated. Gordana shrugs and smirks, and that little gesture is so infuriating that I am surprised Heidi doesn't storm the stage and crush Gordana under her boots. Really, it was very adolescent like she might as well just bob her head and wave her finger while she's at it. It's like the most obnoxious teenage behaviors in a 45-year old's body. Unsettling! Logan's look was desperate for editing. Heidi calls Gordana's name and Gordana clenches her jaw and glowers at Heidi until Heidi announces that she is safe. Hearing that she is safe, Gordana breaks into a huge smile, hugs the judges, sheds a single tear, and then dances off stage humming "Beat It" at top volume. Logan is out. Holly kisses him auf, he thanks the judges and heads backstage to bid farewell to his former competitors. He is a little stunned to be sent home for creating something so innovative and out there, but he knows he is not trying to design for middle America. He is a rebel, a loner, an Idahoan masquerading as a Seattleite. He is looking forward to the next step and the next opportunity. Pretty, pretty Logan heads out of the competition and undoubtedly into the arms of some (twelve) vixens at the Viper Room. At least we still have Tim Riggins.

In the post-elimination limo, Jennifer tells Erin that she knew she'd be in the bottom two but wouldn't be sent home. It's this type of passive-aggressive camaraderie that the vile Erin truly deserves. To her credit, however, she agrees and says that her commercial was horrible. She tells us that she got stressed and frustrated, and we flash back to Nigel giving her the what-for at judging. Erin interviews that she's only eighteen, but needs to get better at shutting off her negative emotions and getting down to business. Meanwhile, Brittany tells us that she thinks of Erin as a whiny sixteen year old. This differs from reality only in that Erin is eighteen. Brittany, a wizened twenty-one, says that she's different from everyone in the house -- she knows herself, feels confident, and is more well-rounded. She also differentiates herself from the rest of the models by being able to add.

The girls return home to find their house covered in red tape with the words "danger" and "do not enter." Girl-on-girl crime scene? Perhaps. Two guys in Hazmat suits sort through crusty underwear next to signs that say "condemned." The girls are freaked out but, as always, plucky enough to barge through the tape. Inside they find Tyra pretending to paint a condemned sign on the wall. She wears a couture Hazmat suit with no mask, perhaps because she can smize away any truly toxic airborne substances. Tyra tells the girls that this is the most disgusting Top Model house she's ever seen. And you know how grimy these girls can get. Because the house is so disgusting, Tyra had to bring the Hazmat guys in to quarantine it. And then, much like Tabatha on one of her salon takeovers, Tyra gives a tour of the grossness. There are dirty dishes -- and perhaps a file folder? -- in the sink, and a pan with crusted-on egg bits sits on the stove. Gigantic cinnamon rolls loom near, glazed with nefarious intent. Tyra tells the girls that if you soak a pan in water, nasty egg bits will come off with ease. Life lesson: learned.

They move on from the kitchen into one of the bedrooms, where Sundai's clothes have exploded from her suitcase next to all manner of empty shelves and drawers. Tyra says that the pile of clothes is like home for a rat, then lays rat-like in the pile. She tells the girls that she's lived in models' apartments in Paris and New York, with eight girls at a pop, and they were never this bad. That's because the other models got freaked out about Tyra wiggling rat-like through all their belongings and so put them away on the regular. There are clumps of hair and dirty tissues on the floor, and a little coterie of ants in the shower. Ants in the shower is pretty intense. I can't even imagine what things were really like when Toccara kept that rotisserie chicken by her bed.

Tyra gathers the girls away from the ants, and tells them that -- since America's Next Top Model has a reputation (of ever-increasing retardation) -- their house is condemned. This means that the girls can't live there anymore. Because... they are moving to Hawaii. As Tyra says this she opens the door to their pool area, where there are ladies doing hula dances and guys twirling fire sticks and a tiki bar and the like. Now, don't get me wrong. I would love to take a trip to Hawaii. But I am not an aspiring fashion model. Maybe if you smize hard enough Hawaii looks like Milan. I'm sure Tyra was like, "These shorties don't have a chance in hell of being models anyway... why bother with the trouble of getting visas?" Also, she TOTALLY wanted to show off her hot new bikini bod, which she does with haste as soon as the girls head to the pool area. Kiss her well-toned ass, haters. Upon the magical transformation of the house's backyard, Laura says, "It doesn't even look like our backyard! It's like, sand. And fruit. It's just awesome." In addition to the fruit, there's all sorts of delicious-looking food that the girls can't enjoy because they have to go pack.

Tyra helps Sundai pack her rat's nest of clothes into a suitcase, and Sundai interviews that going to Hawaii is the greatest thing, because she never gets to go anywhere, because she's an orphan. Top Model is kind of like Make a Wish in that way. Tyra leaves to oversee the lackeys who will pack her own suitcase, and the girls continue to celebrate and gather their precious few belongings. Laura reminds us that, as a small town girl -- and a small, small town girl at that -- it's really hard to get into modeling. Going on Top Model actually seemed like the best way to get into the business for her. And in this ONE instance, I am maybe with her on that. She ends by saying that this competition is her life. This makes me paranoid that she's going to be eliminated very soon, because Tyra can't be a benefactress to all the orphans in the world AND her entire viewing audience who love Laura to bits.

The girls take a trip on Fierce Airlines and land in Hawaii, where it is sunny and lovely and ahhh, I want to be there right now! Bloody Eyeball tells us in her weird way that the beach is something she craves. Funny, I thought she'd prefer dank tunnels. A rainbow greets the girls, which is appropriate for the Leprechaun-ish stature. And oh, man, their house. It's exactly the house you'd want to luxuriate in if you had a few weeks in Hawaii. The girls are greeted by Jennifer's commercial, which is playing on every TV in the house. Even in the bathroom! She tells us that it's a lot of face time. The girls have their own waterfall, and an ocean view, and many photos of Teyona. It's good times, except for that last bit.

Night falls and the girls receive their first Hawaiian Tyra Mail: "If you want to catch a break, you're going to have to go out there and get it. Love, Tyra." Bloody Eyeball thinks they will be fishing. Laura stands there, looking puzzled and waterlogged. The girls then lounge in their bedroom(s). Erin braids Laura's hair, and sings everyone the new song she made up. It goes, "My name's Nicole and I like art. My name is Jen and I like to fart. My name's Laura, I've got hair like a poodle. My name's Sundai and I love noodles. My name's Brittany and I like math. My name's Erin and I kick ass." The noodles bit at least is pretty great. What can I say? The girl knows how to lay down rhymes. I'd maybe change the last part, though, to "My name's Erin and I inspire wrath." Brittany agrees, as she interviews that Erin is the most annoying person in the house. She does a good impression of Erin freaking out and squealing and says, "Shut up. I can't take it. I can't take the voice anymore." Sadly, she says that in an interview, not to Erin's face. Erin, for her part, thinks that Brittany just sits around making faces. The judges like her well enough, but Brittany needs to watch her attitude since she's still up and down in how she performs. With that note of caution, we head to commercials.

When we return, it is a new day and the girls have made their way to the beach. They encounter a row of surfboards and two people. One is petite model and surfer Sofia Beschen. She's appeared on the cover of Surfing Magazine's swimsuit edition, and walked in New York fashion week. The other is the legendary Buzzy Kerbox, who pioneered something having to do with surfing. He's also appeared in Vogue and modeled for Ralph Lauren. My rule of thumb is: never trust a guy named Buzzy. Sofia tells the girls that surfing requires balance and good body awareness, which is also important for modeling. Sadly, however, you never encounter sharks in a photo studio. Today, Tyra wants the girls to learn how to surf. Laura drunk-interviews, "Holy shit, we're learning to surf!"

The girls first go through motions with the surfboards while they're still on the sand. Jennifer interviews that Buzzy and Sofia are the best surfing instructors one could wish for, because they're "totally cool" and "not all up on you." Unlike some other instructors we could mention, who roll their eyes and then do impressions of your failures. The girls appear to be having a bunch of fun, exemplified by Laura's big cheese and nod to the camera as she paddles her board into the waves. Nicole reminds us that in modeling, you're often thrown into unexpected positions -- like being knocked down by a mid-sized wave -- and have to work with it. Splash! Sundai, meanwhile, always wanted to surf but never thought she'd actually do it. You know, because she's an orphan. She's very inexperienced, so has to work harder than everyone. I think she's talking in general, here, since none of these shorties seems to be a whiz on the surfboard. In fact, Sundai seems to be doing better than a bunch of the girls. Brittany sees Sundai's success in standing on the board and gets some hope of her own. She reminds us that she's not just an introverted little geek. We realize this: we have seen your blurred cleavage.

Meanwhile, Laura has a ball on the surfboard and tells us that, even though she's a southern girl, she's come a long way. She confessionalizes that she's so thankful, and in fact gives props to the big man upstairs every day for getting this far. She prays that she'll make it further in the competition. Then there's Erin, who complains that it's very hot out and she feels like she's going to fall down the whole time she's on the surfboard. Yeah, too bad she has to be on a stupid surfboard in the stupid ocean in stupid Hawaii. I think that would suck, too.

The girls take a break on the sand, and are approached by two hot guys. And Jay. What the eff is he wearing? I will give him that his arms are impressive, though. Jay reminds the girls that this is a competition and not a vacation. This afternoon there will be a photo shoot challenge -- the girls will surf tandem with the above mentioned hot guys as their photos are being taken. They must bring balance and poise to the photographs, and whoever does this best will be the challenge winner. The photographer for today is Erik Aeder, a highly-published extreme watersports photographer. He wears a sunglasses and a hat, because he is smart. Laura tells us that they only get one chance to get a good photo. It's scary, but she's having so much fun that she doesn't even think about it. As Laura waits for a wave to come her way, Jay asks if she's got sunscreen on. Laura yells back that she's wearing SPF 80. Trust me when I say that it is not working. This explains Laura's bad-chemical-peel interviews of late. Laura gets a few photos that are just short of hideous, but this is the least of her worries. She says, "I am burning to death out here! Like the sun is frying me like a little piglet in a skillet! I'm red!" Not well-read, of course, because of the dyslexia. And who fries a piglet in a skillet? A whole piglet? Think of the squealing!

Sundai is up next, and assures us that getting a good picture while surfing is harder than you think. She has her same Cover Girl commercial saleswoman voice going, so we know she means business. Sundai's face doesn't show at all in her photo, which is going to be bad news. Then there's Nicole, whose sunblock actually seems to be working. She gets up on her board, but her body pose is totally weird. This is, indeed, a hard challenge. Jennifer puts her arm out straight ahead of her, and looks kind of ninja butch. Or, as Jay calls it, "Egyptian." Brittany is next, and tells us that she's given this competition her all and needs to keep showing more because she wants it so bad. Her surfing photo is okay, if a little awkward. They all look super-short on the surfboards, which could be because they're actually pretty short. No lengthening nunchucks to help you now, fools! Finally there's Erin. She tells us that she's not necessarily at the same maturity level of the other girls, and additionally she's very hard on herself. She shows this more than the other girls do, but at the same time she's not going to be happy with performing poorly. Irritatingly, Erin's surfboard photo is clearly the best. She's working it on the waves.

Jay gathers the girls on the sand -- but not in the shade! Come on! -- and says that he could really tell who brought all the lessons from past weeks into this challenge. For Sundai, this was a step back since you couldn't even see her face. Jennifer's Nefertiti jazzercise didn't read model. Laura's balance was thrown off, which did not lead to a pretty shot. Nicole looked tall, comparatively. Brittany's initial pose floored Jay. Erin found real symmetry on the surfboard. And the winner is Erin. She jumps and makes frenzied arm movements like the demonic troll elf that she is. Her prize is a helicopter tour ride of the island of Maui. She picks Brittany and Nicole to share in the prize with her, even though they seem to engage in a cycle of mutual hate with her.

The girls pile into the helicopter for their tour, which looks gorgeous. They fly right by the sunset, and are amidst stunning mountains. One drawback is Erin's constant narration of the sights, which is clearly going to drive Brittany and Nicole nuts. Erin confessionalizes that she thought the tour was going to be awesome, but she was pretty disappointed because she hasn't won "any actual tangible thing." Seriously? Brittany interviews that she gets annoyed with Erin's whining, but she was also an 18-year-old once so is just going to let it slide. Except for when she talks about it incessantly in interviews. When the girls get home, the others asked how the helicopter ride was. Erin says that it was really cool, but still wasn't a tangible prize like a dinner or jewelry or $1,000 Walmart gift certificate. Sundai is appalled, and speaks for all of us when she says, "You're such a brat. Just take the dang prize." Jennifer agrees, saying that Erin is immature and has a whopping case of Spoiled Brat Syndrome. And even Purell won't kill that. Nonetheless, Erin maintains that she'd rather win some jewelry. I'd rather that she win a punch in the throat.

Tyra Mail! "Sometimes being all mixed up is a beautiful thing. Love, Tyra." I think that Brittany just speculated that they'd be photographed amongst algae, but I can't be sure of that. In other news, Laura is RED. Like Ronald McDonald's weave. It is not pretty. She says that her sunblock was waterproof, but Jennifer maintains that if it was really waterproof the directions wouldn't read "put on after going in the pool." To be honest, it's really hard for me to tell what particular strain of idiocy we're witnessing here, so I'm just going to let it go. Laura interviews that she's so red, and very miserable. She's worried that she's not going to do so well on the next photo shoot. In a heartbreaking fashion she says, "I don't want it to end. I don't ever want it to end." Jennifer confirms what our own eyes tell us -- that Laura is a walking, talking sunburn. With the ominous threat that this could work against her -- or at least garner a boring speech about sun protection from Tyra -- we head to commercials.

When we return, the girls are en route to their photo shoot. They pass a sugar cane factory surrounded by sugar cane fields. Sundai notes that in some places the fields are tall and green, while other fields have been burned. She wonders what foolishness she's going to have to endure now. Little do you know, my friend. When the girls reach their final destination, they get off the bus and meet Mr. Jay, who is more orange than ever in his khaki sleeveless shirt. Before getting to any sort of photo shoot theme, Jay tells the girls that he hopes they're ready to impress today's photographer, who's someone they've kind of worked with before. It's Tyra. They really are cutting corners on the budget this season, aren't they? Tyra tells the girls that she'll be photographing them for the second time, and adds that this is the first time this has happened in Top Model history. I love how she talks about "Top Model history" like it's a real thing.

Tyra tries to drone on about how the petite beauties in front of her inspire her, but thankfully Jay interrupts her to get down to business. Meanwhile, I've just noticed that the girls are standing about 20 feet from Jay and Tyra -- WTF? How can they hear anything that they're saying? Jay tells the girls that once Hawaiians started growing sugarcane, they realized that they'd need a larger workforce. As a result, people from all over the world immigrated to Hawaii to get jobs. Just for the jobs, I'm sure, since Hawaii has nothing else going for it. And then Tyra, who is either drunk or suffering from heatstroke, asks, "And what happens when men and women from different places come together?" The answer is: you get babies. But not just any babies. Lots of babies who are from different cultures or, as Tyra says, "a mix." Like snack mix! With extra wasabi peas. In Hawaii, this is known as "hapa," which means half. The most famous hapa in the world, says Tyra, is President Barack Obama. She hapas upa and downa as she says this. Okay, that joke was terrible. But cut me some slack. I'm on a plane, and I'm about to describe to you how Tyra put her fucking short-ass models in blackface.

So, okay. Then Jay tells the girls that for this photo shoot they'll undergo a transformation and have to portray two very different, distinct races. What she doesn't add, but I'll let you know now: in wondrously stereotypical fashion, while in blackface. I mean, I'm just the recapper. Laura will be Mexican and Greek. Read: wearing a sombrero on a donkey while eating feta cheese from her sandals. Laura thinks this whole thing is very cool. Which, she's drunk and from Kentucky. And she did a "hoodrat" accent at a casting call. Erin is going to be Tibetan and Egyptian, which likely means she'll be in Suzanna Hoffs's old costume from the seminal Bangles video of the mid-'80s, while reading The Art of Happiness. Erin interviews that she doesn't know much about Tibet, except that it needs to be freed. And that a blackface tribute will be an essential part of said freeing.

Sundai will be Moroccan and Russian, which means she'll be riding a camel while donning a fur hat and drinking potato vodka. Brittany will be Native American and East Indian. And at this point I'd joke about her wearing a feather headdress and a bindi, but in fact this is exactly what happens. I shit you not, people. Jennifer will be Botswanan and Polynesian. I don't know much about the Botswanan and Polynesian cultures, but what I do know is that this means Jennifer will be black to the fucking face. Frankly, I think that Tyra just should have gone all out with the racial epithets on this challenge and said, "Laura, you will be oriental and dago!" Finally, Nicole will be Malagasi and Japanese. Nicole asks what Malagasi means, and Tyra says that Malagasi people are from Madagascar. Nicole this will wear pelts from all the animals in that cartoon movie and be inventing Toyota's new hybrid. The girls all seem very excited about this challenge, which they would be after seeing all the Amos 'N Andy reruns that showed on Fierce Airlines.

The girls head to hair and makeup. Vanessa Geldbach is the wardrobe stylist. Tyra explains to us that every outfit that the girls wear isn't necessarily what people who are of the cultures they'll be representing wear NOW. Nor is it exactly what people of that culture might have worn in the past. Rather, it's a "fashion interpretation" of it. Read: fat-ass stereotype. Laura, in case you forgot, is still sunburned to the point where her face feels like it's going to fall off. However, she's certain she can overcome this challenge. With blackface! The cure for whatever ails you. Sometimes, I get unsightly redness from rosacea. Thanks, Top Model, for giving me an option that will allow me to walk proud in today's society. Michael Kanyon is today's hair stylist, while Vincent Oquendo is the lucky guy who gets to paint the girls' faces and bodies in some array of dark to very dark makeup. Erin is the only model who seems to take objection to this process. Because it legitimizes the fashion world's tendency to darken white models instead of hiring actual women of color? Because it calls to mind the racist lampooning of blackface minstrel shows? Because it's just fucking wrong and weird? No. Erin is peeved because it's going to be a bitch to scrub off all that makeup later. Which, also a good point.

Speaking of Erin, she's first to be photographed. And, I mean, what to say. She's painted burnt sienna, and is wearing the traditional Egyptian gold lame cleavage-revealing vest and some sort of big puffy hat that covers a dark wig. Erin tells us that she's always going to be intimidated by Tyra. She tends to overthink, and her mind gets frazzled. My mind is frazzled right now, too, let me tell you. And, sorry, I'm going to stop talking about the blackface in a minute. But... is Tyra being ironic? Does she really see this as a celebration of diversity? Does she actually think she's an invincible superhero called "Super Smize"? And what does Oprah think about all this? Anyway, Erin is not doing so well. Tyra tells her that she's too pose-y, and looks too commercial. Yes, the JC Penney catalog is known for its use of blackface. Jay yells to Erin to feel the spirituality of the Tibetan culture, which is all about ritual. Tyra calls for a change of Erin's enormous hat. Erin interviews that it sucks she hasn't spent more time learning about Tibet, because that knowledge would come in handy now. And, I mean, no it wouldn't. Tyra directs Erin as such: "Think about Egypt. The people. What they've been through." And if you don't know what they've been through (which is...The Mummy?), think about what we as a viewing audience have to go through RIGHT NOW! Tyra tells us that Erin was lost. She fell into one great picture, but it was an accident.

Laura is up next, and is painted Mr. Jay orange. Orangeface? And her hair is gray. She appears to be wearing some sort of a roughly Mexican-themed dress, with that Greek leafy headband thing. Tyra is having problems, saying that the styling is too "on the orangeface nose," and so turns Laura's Greek leafy headband thing backwards. I mean, it would be hard to make her look more ridiculous, so in that sense it's a success. Things aren't going so well, and Laura asks Tyra to be brutally honest with her. Tyra says she's not loving it, and points to Laura's Cirque de Soleil shot as an example of what she should be doing. Laura is then able to break out of her rut, and is helped in no small part by some amazing light. The sun wasn't on her side during the surfing challenge, but it is today.

And then, fuck. Jennifer is in so much blackface, I can't even tell you. And she's wearing an afro. But we get some time to digest that as we see Nicole's photo shoot. Nicole, who seems like she should know better, actually likes her styling and says she's always wondered what she'd look like as a different race. She's wearing a shortie kimono with some sort of imposing necklace and a giant headwrap. She is very, very brown. Tyra wants to see Nicole's famous shapes, even though Nigel doesn't like them. I think Nigel actually likes them okay, he just suggested that she try something different every once in a while. Nicole uses a giant branch to her advantage, but loses points when she doesn't know what "H2T" means. In case you forgot, it's head to toe modeling. As opposed to "H2T1," which is the highly contagious blackface flu. Nicole's hair, now brown, comes down and she gets a different imposing necklace. Tyra and Jay love everything that she does.

And then there's Jennifer, with her insane blackface. Her ensemble is one of the more intriguing, and features a really fabulous necklace, but frankly it's hard to appreciate it because of the fact that she is PAINTED BLACK. Tyra tells us that Jennifer was a mess. She did not inspire Tyra, and in fact Tyra started panicking. Because she realized that she fucking put her models in blackface? There are some styling changes, but they still don't help. Jay tells Jennifer that in Botswana there's music everywhere you go. Thankfully, she does not interpret this statement as a directive to tap dance. Jennifer turns it around, and finally comes alive in her photos. On another note, can you imagine if Tyra was doing a Victoria's Secret shoot and those motherfuckers tried to put her in blackface? I'm just saying.

Brittany is next in her sari, bindi, and feather headdress. She tells us that she recalls seeing very dignified photos of Native Americans in history books. Those poor people are rolling in their graves now. Though, maybe I am a hypocrite here, because I really, really enjoy "Half-Breed" and have gone so far as to sing it at karaoke. And Cher rocked that headdress. It's different, right? Because that was, like, a serious song about being biracial, kind of. Just like "Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves" was all about the rampant stereotyping of those who were born in the wagon of a traveling show. Cher was all about music with a message. Sooner or later we DO all sleep alone. Anyway, Tyra tells Brittany to look at some sort of mythical eagle that's flying. I mean, why not. Jay wants Brittany to pick up the energy and make this shot high-fashion. Brittany maintains her stoicism, and Tyra tells her that it's a bit too catalog. In an interview, Brittany says that she needs to relax more and show the younger Brittany that exists under the composed mathematician exterior. In the end, Tyra says that Brittany was too stiff, and she would have liked to see some more angles in her body. Jay, however, liked it. As we all know, this counts for exactly nothing.

Finally there's Sundai who, for obvious reasons, does not have to endure the blackface. They couldn't figure out a way to whiten her up somehow? She's totally wearing that Russian hat, along with a Moroccan-inspired dress. It has mirrors on it, is how you know it's Moroccan. Sundai reminds us how crazy the whole Top Model world is for her, but how grateful she is to be in it. She's going to try hard, so she doesn't have to go home. Sundai winds up being the big surprise of the day for Jay. So far she's been pretty mediocre, but today she nailed it. And with that, it's a wrap.

Back at the house, there is Tyra Mail. Someone is going home. Erin's not sure how her photo shoot went but, true to form, hopes that the other girls did crappy. We flash to Erin in her bedroom, complaining about how burnt she is and how scratchy her linens are. Yes, she wants 450 thread count. Brittany reminds us that Erin is immature and has a bad attitude, which is ostensibly a liability in this competition. As Laura says she's scared and Erin snits, "No big deal," we head to commercials.

When we return, it's time for panel. There are prizes, there are judges. Supermodel Kirsty Hume is the guest judge for the day. Jennifer is up first for evaluation with her Botswana/Polynesian photo. In it, it must be noted, she looks a lot lighter than she was on set. Maybe some of the retouchers had an inkling of sense. Nigel tells her that the first thing he sees is Botswana. He then adds that the photo is almost National Geographic. Maybe next someone will tell her that she looks like a savage. Nigel says that ultimately when he looks at the photograph, he sees a beautiful, interesting woman that he wants to know, but it doesn't necessarily scream "model" to him. Kirsty adds that Jennifer's body angle is not as flattering as it could be. Other than that, she looks stunning. Tyra says that Jennifer made crazy faces when they first started shooting, but she rocked it once Jay told her about the integral role that music plays in Botswanan culture. Also, she sold the necklace she was wearing. Frankly, that necklace sells itself, and if anything an ad featuring a short blackfaced model looking like she was in National Geographic would make me think twice about what I was putting on my neck.

Laura is up next, and is so sunburned I don't know how anyone can take her seriously. She explains with vigor that she was Mexican and Greek. Nigel says that he doesn't see Laura in the photo, but that said the close-up is stunning. Kirsty also loves it, and notes that it's quite the transformation. Tyra tells everyone that the shoot was terrible at first, but then Laura asked Tyra to be brutally honest with her feedback and was able to turn it around. Looks like Laura will last another week if her face doesn't fall off.

Erin is next, with her Tibetan and Egyptian photo. I think the photo is actually pretty good, and I can't stand Erin. Miss J. compliments her concave back. Then Nigel asks what she was thinking, and what her inspiration was. Erin repeats her line about knowing nothing about Tibet other than people want to free it, which led to a lack of emotion in her head. Kirsty says that she can see that in the picture, and wonders if Erin could have done something stronger. Nigel says that Erin can't fall back on how pretty she is. She takes good photographs week after week, but now she has to deliver an edge. There's no power in her eyes in this picture. Miss J. calls it beautifully bored. Tyra says that the first time she photographed Erin, Erin blew her away. This time, however, Erin was the only girl who seemed not fully present in the shoot. Her photo also read "jeans ad." Tyra asks what was going on. Erin says that, after her last photo shoot, Tyra told her she had no personality on set. Since Tyra's a judge, Erin got tweaked out and intimidated and showed even less personality. Good strategy. Nigel tells her that every client and every photographer she'll meet are judging her, and Tyra adds that you can show personality by asking questions such as, "What do Tibetan people do?" Miss J. says that you appear to be smarter by asking questions than you do by asking nothing, which I actually think is good advice. Unless you have a tendency to ask really dumb questions.

Next is Brittany, the Native American / East Indian hapa. Nigel says that her photo is very stoic, and he doesn't necessarily see a lot of energy. Miss J. agrees, saying that she could have been more animated with her giant headpiece and giant sleeves and giant madness. Kirsty adds that Brittany seems overpowered by the sari and the headdress. Tyra calls the pose catalog, which makes jeans ad model Erin smirk. Brittany tells the judges that she wanted to be stoic and elegant and poised, and Tyra says that she should always remember that she's a model first. Nigel tells her to think future, and not just vintage. Does he mean vintage as in "vintage Native American chiefs?" Or, like, the Trail of Tears is so vintage? Or Cherokee Red is a kick-ass vintage beverage? (Which, actually, it is. Do they still make that?)

Then there's Sundai, who was Moroccan and Russian. Miss J. says that it's the same face and same angle. However, Nigel adds that she's finally mastered that one angle because this is the best photo he's seen from her. Kirsty says that it's beautiful, but Sundai looks like she's drowning in her outfit. Sundai took initiative on the set, according to Tyra, which is a good thing. However, Sundai photographs short and looks like a Gap Kids ad. She still looks like a model, but a 12-year-old model. Yeah. Sundai knows this is bad news.

Finally there's Nicole with her Japanese and Malagasi photo. Nigel tells her that her photograph is stunning from top to toe, and she's made the whole thing very modern. Tyra agrees, saying that she's modeling H2T even though her Ts are not in the shot. Kirsty also thinks that the photo is stunning and Nicole looks graceful, and Miss J. commends her for elongating her neck even amidst a giant neckpiece. Bloody Eyeball prevails again!

The judges deliberate. Miss J. thinks that Jennifer has something special, but Kirsty says that her body is awkward. Tyra thinks that Jennifer could be more geometric while she's being National Geographic. Laura's photo shows an incredible transformation according to Kirsty. Tyra thinks that it's a beautiful shot, but she doesn't necessarily see model. And it's very important for the girls to bring fashion into these blackface pictures. Erin comes across as insecure, according to Kirsty, and looks insecure in her photo. Tyra was confused by Erin's insecurity after she was so confident the first time Tyra shot her. Miss J. agrees that Erin should have come and dazzled her. Tyra thinks that Erin is the type of girl who is in her own way and creates the tornado that doesn't exist. There was a lot going on in Brittany's photo, and it was one of Tyra's favorite wardrobes, but all Brittany gave was boring catalog. Nigel theorizes that Brittany's analytical nature got the best of her. It's a gorgeous shot, but it's obvious, and fashion is about breaking the obvious. Sundai's photo is great, but it's the same kind of look she always has. Tyra says that she looks twelve, but a fierce twelve. Nicole is perfect. Miss J. says that there's something special about her, and she's a hard worker. Tyra adds that Nicole kept modeling even when the camera wasn't on her, which is what models do when they want it so bad. With that, the judges have reached a decision.

Six beautiful young ladies stand before Tyra, but she only has five photos in her hands. These represent the five women who are still in the running to become America's Next Top Model. The first name that Tyra is going to call, who has the best photo of the week, is Nicole. Clearly. Even in blackface. Next, Tyra calls Jennifer, followed by Laura and Sundai. This leaves Erin and Brittany in the bottom two. Two beautiful ladies stand before Tyra, but she only has one photo in her hands. The girl who does not receive this photo must get the hell out of Maui, stat. In Brittany, the judges see a gorgeous girl who has had great pictures and okay pictures, but her pictures are becoming formulaic rather than inspiring. Then there's Erin, who has a very memorable face and takes beautiful photos. But for some reason, she's standing in her own way. She's becoming intimidated, leading to self-sabotage. So who stays? Stupid Erin. Gah. Again. Brittany totally starts having a small breakdown. Tyra tells Erin that she has to stop being intimidated, and should imagine Tyra in her underwear. Erin correctly says that that's even more intimidating. Finally, a modicum of charm. Tyra doesn't disagree, and tells Erin to imagine SOMETHING that's not intimidating.

Brittany bawls, and says that it hurts because this photo is her favorite that she's taken. Tyra maintains that this photo is safe. She tells Brittany not to lose the beautiful mathematician. But she has to let the art enter and just relax. Brittany tells us that it's hard to say goodbye, but she's so proud. Being called a catalog model is a great compliment to a math nerd. And she feels that this isn't the end for her, but rather a jumping off point. To a career in math.

Next week: Bikinis! And someone maybe gets the bends in a scuba-themed shoot!

Seriously? Blackface? Let Potes know your thoughts at potesypotes@gmail.com.

...her presumed husband caroms into the main bathroom, shutting and locking the door behind him before he spins around to assault the sink. He's clutching at his left arm, by the way, so already things aren't looking so good for this yuppified douchenozzle whose name we'll presently learn is "Xavier." In a panic, he yanks his good hand away from his forearm long enough to twist on the cold water, and he's about to, I don't know, soak his damn head, or something, when he's frozen in place by the reflection staring back at him in the mirror. The shot lingers on his right hand as the skin there instantly ages about fifty years, and by the time the camera's crawled up to his face, intricately wrinkled bags have appeared beneath his twentysomething eyes. Xavier's late-onset bout of Hutchinson-Gilford syndrome continues apace, with his hair simply vanishing from the crown of his head and his irises filming over with milky cataracts right before our eyes until that heart attack we've all been waiting for finally strikes with such force that Xavier staggers backwards to slam against the glass front of the medicine cabinet -- shattering the thing in a manner most convenient for alerting his soon-to-be widow far below -- before dropping to the floor, where he quietly expires against the tiles.

Not so quiet? Wifey's clunky clodhopping heels as she trots across the living room's bare floorboards before galumphing up the stairs. Also not so quiet? Wifey's delirious screech of horror when she arrives at the bathroom to find her beloved's rapidly cooling corpse slumped somewhere budget-saving and off-screen. Wifey screams and screams and screams and screams and...

...SPLAT! "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" shrieks Raoul The Big Gay Supernatural Dragon, writhing about his overstuffed armchair with continued delight over the fifth season's bloody title card before he calms his overexcited self down a bit and turns to your faithful recapper to glare. Yes, Raoul? "Hmph!" I take it you are displeased with something? "Hmph!" Well, don't just sit there fuming -- tell me what's on yo... "You'll pardon me, I'm sure!" Raoul shrieks, rudely interrupting me. "But is what I've heard about this particular installment of our usually charming Thursday-evening divertissement correct?!" I don't know what you've he... "Is there no VIOLENCE!? Have they dispensed with the GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE?!" Ah. I'm afraid they have, my scaly friend. "You're on your own!" But...but...you'll miss the fascinating character study that unfolds as Dean processes through his complicated emotional reaction to sudden aging! And the deep insights we receive regarding Bobby's ongoing disability! And, um, something about Darling Sammy's remarkably broad shoulders! "LIAR!" Raoul shrieks in an orgy of disdain. "FIEND!" he shrieks again, two perfect circles of outraged smoke popping from his indignantly flared nostrils. "J'ACCUSE!" he shrieks once more, jabbing an exquisitely manicured claw of condemnation in my general direction, and you can knock it off anytime you feel like it, Raoul, because I think you've made your point. Now, what did you mean about me being on my own? "Why, this!" the dizzy lizard snits, and with that, he wriggles his tubby derriere from the depths of his overstuffed armchair and flounces off to his den, from which presently emerges the opening narration to that timeless classic of the British cinema, Hot Fuzz. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Oh, terrific. I have to plow through this mess without my normally faithful recapping companion while said normally faithful recapping companion is watching something far more entertaining than this mess? Thanks for nothing, show.

Well, let's get to it, then, starting with dispatching Poor Dead Xavier as quickly as possible. The LYING LIARS WHO LIE, masquerading as doctors from The Centers For Disease Control, have already arrived in this evening's never-named town by the time we've joined them, and are now getting the particulars from the oddly blasé coroner, who announces that the only thing she can tell them at the moment is that Xavier was 25 years old and "died of old age," even though he clearly suffered a heart attack during the teaser, so add the coroner herself to the ever-expanding list of Things That Suck About This Episode. Out in the hall, Dashing El Deano whips open his cell and quickly connects to Bobby -- who, though still in his wheelchair, has evidently continued to monitor the Internet for strange, possibly Apocalypse-related occurrences from his palatial estate deep within the lush coastal rainforests of central South Dakota, as it becomes clear through the dialogue that follows that Speed Racer himself informed Our Intrepid Heroes of Poor Dead Xavier's most unusual cause of death in the first place. Dean confirms that Poor Dead Xavier is, indeed, the only inappropriately aged corpse in this never-named burg, but adds that there are several outstanding missing persons cases, as well. Bobby, guided by little more than a hunch that the various cases might be connected, orders the boys to investigate further, and Our Intrepid Heroes are about to do so when Dean foolishly thinks to ask how Bobby's adjusting to his life as a cripple, or something like that. Because Bobby is a salty old coot not given to chick-flicky vagina monologues, he snaps back something sarcastic about weeping into his Häagen-Dazs before calling Dean an "idjit" and slamming down his phone in a testosterone-fuelled rage. Or something like that. Of course, we know that Bobby Is Really Having Issues With His Newfangled Paralysis because the camera lingers on him for a very lengthy period of time after he's hung up on Dean, and we get to watch as he slouches down a little into An Attitude Of Abject Sadness And Despair, and we're barely three minutes into this wretched excuse of an episode, and already I want it over with. Uck. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Shut up, Raoul. Of course, he can't hear me, so let's do our best to ignore him and join Our Intrepid Heroes as they...

...leap forward a bit in time to interrogate a missing person's significant other, shall we? We're already past the LIES they presumably told this dear little sixtysomething woman to gain access to her home, and Our Dear Boys have arranged themselves on chairs around her coffee table as she passes them the most recent photograph of her absent husband, who appears to be an avid golfer graced with an enormous navy blue Marine Corps tattoo on his inner right forearm, a character detail which you may wish to note. You know, just in case it becomes important in about thirty-eight seconds when they find a younger version of the guy screwing a pair of barely legal Asian prostitutes. Anywho, Dear Mrs. Whitlow, here, immediately knew something was wrong when her husband, Cliff, failed to return home from the office on Tuesday evening, as he was never, ever in the habit of socializing after work, though he did often have to stay late to take care of his business. This last sets Dashing El Deano's bullshit detector to tingling and, after LYING that he needs to avail himself of the dear lady's facilities, he tippy-toes into Cliff Whitlow's den, where a quick search of the missing veteran's discarded jacket turns up a crumpled, forgotten $250 credit card receipt from a no-doubt tasteful local establishment identified as "Madame Lin's Golden Palace." "Working late, my ass!" Dean grumps, and with that, we...

...leap forward yet again in time to join Our Intrepid Heroes as they amble down the upper hallway of what I'm guessing is some elaborately decorated, Chinese-themed no-tell motel, given Sam's musing that the good Mr. Whitlow rented the same room every Tuesday evening "at hourly rates." Dean remarks he'd like to have "that kind of kick" when he himself has reached The Good Mr. Whitlow's advanced years, which is presumably amusing because -- spoiler alert! -- he'll be reaching The Good Mr. Whitlow's advanced years in all of about ten minutes thanks to some Cypriot leprechaun's wacky magical hijinks. No, I am not kidding with that. Nor am I kidding with this: When the boys hesitate before entering The Good Mr. Whitlow's usual room, Sam wonders aloud what they'll find in there, with Dean guessing "a wrinkly, gooey corpse," because, despite having lived their entire fucking lives in the sorts of crappy motels that charge by the hour, they actually believe they'll find a corpse rotting since "last Tuesday" sprawled across the bed, because unfortunately, these two morons top the list of Things That Suck About This Episode, and I refuse to waste any more time on this stupidity and will instead jump ahead to the bit where Darling Sammy, suddenly hearing a suspicious noise, hurls his remarkably healthy frame against Room 44's door to knock the flimsy wood off its hinges. Much to their embarrassed horror, Our Intrepid Idiots find, of course, an abashed and irritated twentysomething gentleman engaged in a threeway with two barely legal Asian prostitutes, and this joke was funnier the first time I saw it twenty-seven years ago, but that's not important right now because what is important right now is the fact that eagle-eyed Darling Sammy's just noticed an enormous navy blue Marine Corps tattoo on the abashed and irritated twentysomething gentleman's inner right forearm. DUN! Or not, as the case may be, but you know. Just trying to inject an element of suspense into an episode that finds itself entirely lacking in same. Was that a spoiler? "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Oh, fuck it.

In any event, after The Good Mr. Whitlow -- for that is, indeed, who the abashed and irritated twentysomething gentleman is -- has thrown on an appropriate Asian-themed silk robe, and after The Good Mr. Whitlow has shoved a wad of twenties into the hands of his barely legal Asian prostitute friends, and after The Good Mr. Whitlow has pushed those barely legal Asian prostitute friends of his out the door, we finally learn what happened to the syphilitic whoremongering adulterous bastard: Seems he found himself in the middle of a high-stakes poker game wherein the players bet years of their lives rather than cash, and wouldn't you know it? He won! And he's more than happy to have the long-suffering missus think he's dead, thank you very much, though where that leaves either of them situated, financially speaking, is anyone's guess, but we're not supposed to worry about things like that because the Whitlows are merely plot devices put in place to introduce the concept of this asinine floating Texas Hold 'Em game the Cypriot leprechaun's been running for the last nine hundred years, so let's wave goodbye to the syphilitic whoremongering adulterous bastard and join Our Brainless Boys as they amble down the sidewalk outside Madame Lin's Golden Palace, where Dean is once more on the phone with Speed Racer up in the lush coastal rainforests of central South Dakota. Naturally, Speed Racer's positively brimming with lore regarding asinine magical floating Texas Hold 'Em games "going back centuries," all of which involves a mysterious gentleman blowing into town to challenge various gullible locals to a couple of hands. In the extremely unlikely event the local simps win, they get their "best years back." Of course, because Bobby Is Really Having Issues With His Newfangled Paralysis, he wastes not an instant once he's off the phone before snatching up his car keys and wheeling himself off to his Chevelle to motor on down to this week's never-named town to do something incredibly stupid, because Bobby The Blockhead occupies yet another line item on the list of Things That Suck About This Episode. Rrrgh.

A very short while later, Dean, having split off from his brother to search for the mysterious Cypriot leprechaun, slips a hundred-dollar bill to some local dive's bartender and quickly receives directions to the asinine magical floating Texas Hold 'Em game 'round back. One problem: Just as Dean's arriving at the designated doorway, out pops...Speed Racer! D'OH! Because I am attempting to make it through this misbegotten wreck of an episode as quickly as possible, I will not be wondering how in the hell Bobby made it all the way from the lush coastal rainforests of central South Dakota to this week's never-named town so quickly, nor will I be wondering how he managed to roll across the Cypriot leprechaun's location hours ahead of Our Intrepid Halfwits, because all anyone needs to know about Blockheaded Bobby's pathetically dumb adventure is what anyone who ever watched a television show or movie before could guess: He lost. D'OH! Again! Some more! And with that, we topple into this evening's first commercial break most woefully CHOMP!-less because, like the THEN! and the NOW!, the METAL TEETH CHOMP! wants nothing to do with the big, hateful bag of ass Kripke & Ko. saw fit to barf up onto the screen this evening. Bastard. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Ugh.

Alleyway. Aftermath. Blockheaded Bobby reluctantly confirms he gambled away twenty-five years of his life in the foolish hope that he'd win, thereby regaining use of his legs, and that confession's barely left his lips when the first signs of rapid aging attack the bags beneath his eyes. Dean pitches a momentary fit before spinning around on his heel and hoofing it back into the bar, where we find...

...The Cypriot Leprechaun himself, setting up yet another mark in tandem with the woman we'll soon enough learn is his longtime partner in crime. Yes, Hal Ozsan is using an Irish accent, and yes, it is even more painful than you could possibly imagine, and yes, Hal Ozsan's unimaginably painful Irish accent is yet another item on the list of Sucky Things That Suck About This Episode Which Sucks, so I'll be skipping ahead to the bit wherein Dashing El Deano draws The Cypriot Leprechaun into the bar's back parlor for a chat, and long story short, Dean calls him "Manwitch" -- which is about the only amusing bit this evening -- before demanding he return the years he won from Speed Racer. No go, needless to say, and by the way, bullets have no effect on The Manwitch, so Dashing El Deano can just tuck that trusty pearl-handled automatic of his back into the waistband of his jeans, thank you very much, and would Dashing El Deano be interested in a ludicrous game of ridiculous cards? He would, despite Blockheaded Bobby's vociferous protestations, so we head off to...

...The Cellar Of Blockheaded Bobby's Ludicrous Doom, where The Cypriot Leprechaun opens an elaborate and expensive-looking poker set on the green felt table while reminding Our Intrepid Pinhead that the standard buy-in is twenty-five years. The Manwitch, incidentally, has a very noticeable habit of chewing on toothpicks, a character detail which you may wish to note. You know, just in case it becomes important in about twenty minutes when Darling Sammy attempts to swipe one to use as a DNA sample in the vanquishing ritual they perform at the behest of The Manwitch's partner in crime. Ooops! Spoiler! Dean, naturally, asks for double the minimum number of chips and, after The Cypriot Leprechaun's zapped said chips with a bit of Latinated mojo, immediately returns twenty-five, which are to be credited to Blockheaded Bobby's account. The Manwitch latinates some more, and before you know it, a large gout of flame erupts from the center of the table to transform the pile of chips into a pile of ash. And when the fire dissipates, we see that Speed Racer's been restored to his proper age. And because I am attempting to make it through this misbegotten nightmare of an episode as quickly as possible, I will not be wondering why Dim Dean didn't immediately return twenty-six chips to The Cypriot Leprechaun for immolation, thereby restoring Blockheaded Bobby not only to the latter's proper age, but also to the latter's former state of entirely ambulatory health because this episode sucks, and I want to die, and while I'm not wondering why Dim Dean didn't immediately return twenty-six chips for immolation, I'll also not be wondering why we're expected to fret about Dim Dean's well being at this or any other point during this misbegotten horror of an episode because hey, isn't Dim Dean Michael's angel condom, and wouldn't Zachariah immediately restore Dim Dean to his proper age and former state of entirely bow-legged health no matter what the hell happens during the ludicrous rounds of Texas Hold 'Em that follow? AAAUAUAUUUUUAAAUAUUUAUUUGH. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Fuck you, Raoul. You too, Simon Pegg.

ANY-way, Dim Dean orders The Manwitch to "shuffle up and deal," and the next thing we know, Sam's entering this week's motel room with a takeout tray stuffed with delicious-looking bacon double cheeseburgers, which he nearly bobbles to the floor when Chad Everett dodders from the can in an out-of-character blue terrycloth robe for yes, Dim Dean lost, and yes, Chad Everett is now playing Old Dean, and while I'll not begrudge Jensen Ackles a week off from the insane and hectic schedule this show normally demands of him, Chad Everett's a towering douchebag of the old, unapologetically chauvinist order, and so I shall simply note that his presence therefore represents yet another item on The Sucky List of Sucktastic Things That Royally Suck About This Sucky Episode Which Sucks Rocks, and keep this moving. In any event, Old Dean likens himself to Gloria Stuart, Darling Sammy likens Old Dean to Emperor Palpatine, the just-arriving Speed Racer likens Old Dean to John McCain, and you goddamned morons can get this stupid plot moving any time you feel like it, okay? OKAY? Sam smirks that with Old Dean and Blockheaded Bobby bickering at each other, it's like Grumpy Old Men come to life, and as that's an insult to the sainted memories of Jack Lemmon, Walter Matthau, Burgess Meredith, Ossie Davis, and Ann-Margret's career, I'll be ignoring the mildly amusing moment when both Old Dean and Blockheaded Bobby tell Darling Sammy to shut the hell up to skim past both the tedious argument Old Dean and Speed Racer have regarding whose fate is worse and the tedious piece of business wherein Old Dean suffers an attack of acid reflux thanks to one of those delicious-looking bacon double cheeseburgers to get to the frigging point, already: The three numbskulls bang their heads together and eventually realize the Latinated poker chips must be at fault, and Sam and Old Dean leave to swipe The Manwitch's stash after Old Dean embarrasses himself by hitting on the chambermaid -- who likens him to her adorably old and perpetually horny grandfather, of course -- and holy crap, this episode sucks. At least the one with the racist truck had a sex scene in it.

There follows a brief scenelet in which The Cypriot Leprechaun steals a Mercedes by faking a fatal accident (don't ask), and then we're off with Sam and Old Dean as they break into The Manwitch's tony high-rise condominium, which I'm assuming he's simply renting for the week, but whatever, because this episode blows, and I want to die, and Old Dean can't climb stairs anymore, nor can he crack safes, because he is Old Dean rather than Young Dean, and WE GET IT ALREADY and finally -- finally -- they've accessed the chips in question, but what's this? It's The Cypriot Leprechaun's longtime partner in crime! And she's got a few ludicrous magical tricks up her sleeve, as well, which she demonstrates by telekinetically rearranging Our Intrepid Knotheads' innards, and I'd be worried about their well being at this point in time, I'm sure, were it not for the fact that they're both Vessels for some very high-powered angelic entities and there is therefore no way in hell they're going to suffer permanent damage as a result of this evening's poorly considered hijinks, so I'll be skipping ahead to the point where The Manwitch serendipitously returns to his abode to reveal that the chips in and of themselves are worthless, and that if they want to regain any years they've lost, they'll have to play yet another stupid round of Texas Hold 'Em. Old Dean instantly volunteers, but The Cypriot Leprechaun insists he's not a killer, so any future gambling must of necessity be Sam's. Unfortunately, because Sam apparently suh-huuuuuucks even harder at Texas Hold 'Em than he does at the hand-to-hand combat, Old Dean announces they'll pass, and The Manwitch lets them go with just one small parting gift for Sam as punishment -- a parting gift he bestows by slowly clapping his hands together three times.

Cut to the base of The Manwitch's tony high-rise. Sam scratches himself. "I believe that He-Witch gave you the clap," Old Dean opines, and while it's not as amusing as a midget stripper giving him herpes, you must remember this: Darling Sammy just got a social disease from a guy. Heh.

Back from the second CHOMP!-less commercial break, The Three Stooges bicker about Sam taking on The Cypriot Leprechaun, and it somehow leads to a mini nervous breakdown from Speed Racer over his squashy legs and general uselessness, and I'd care about it more, I'm sure, if Dean had immediately returned twenty-six chips to The Manwitch for immolation rather than twenty-five, thereby restoring Blockheaded Bobby to the latter's former state of entirely ambulatory health, but Dean didn't, so I don't, because this episode sucks, and I want to die, and look at that! The scene's over. Sam vows to fix everything his own damn self, thank you very much, and he takes off, leaving Old Dean and Speed Racer to their own devices, so they stagger and wheel themselves, respectively, back to...

...this week's motel room where, to their surprise, The Cypriot Leprechaun's Longtime Companion awaits their return. "Take it," she orders, shoving a piece of marked-up loose-leaf paper into their faces. "It'll help you," she assures them. The "it" in question is, of course, the aforementioned Manwitch vanquish. Ooops. I mean, the "it" in question is, of course, "the most powerful reversal spell [they've] ever laid eyes on," but as it will reverse all of The Manwitch's work, it will also rapidly age The Cypriot Leprechaun into oblivion so, you know, same difference. And why is The Cypriot Leprechaun's Longtime Companion offering this to them now? She refuses to say, but she does take a lengthy and significant moment to twiddle with a silver locket at her throat, a character detail which you may wish to note. You know, just in case it becomes important at the end of the episode when she opens it to reveal the thing contains photographs of her now-deceased and much-missed daughter as both a rosy-cheeked infant and an ancient deathbed biddy, thereby establishing motivation for The Cypriot Leprechaun's Longtime Companion's death wish. Or something like that. And with that, she's out the door, leaving Old Dean and Blockheaded Bobby to stare vacantly at each other.

Down in The Cellar Of Boring Blockheaded Doom, The Manwitch lets an nice little old Jewish man win enough years to last long enough to see his granddaughter's bat mitzvah, then turns his attention to Darling Sammy, who's arrived for some boring blockheaded poker. Next!

Over in some ridiculously scenic nighttime graveyard, Speed Racer cools his jets while Old Dean desecrates the final resting place of a convicted murderer, as the vanquish requires said convicted murderer's jawbone. Grumbling ensues, with Old Dean complaining about the pains in his feet and his back and his hands and his creaky elbows, and at one point, Old Dean instructs "Ironsides" to "pound it up [his] ass," and because I am attempting to make it through this misbegotten abortion of an episode as quickly as possible, I will not be rewinding to figure out why Old Dean would say such a thing to Blockheaded Bobby. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Pound it up your ass, Raoul. Reference is made to The Bucket List, and as Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson have insulted the sainted memories of their careers -- the former by banging his step-granddaughter, the latter by being Jack Nicholson, and the both of them by appearing in The Goddamned Motherfucking Bucket List -- I'll be ignoring whatever supposedly amusing moments these two share during this endlessly pointless scene in favor of returning to...

...The Cellar Of Boring Blockheaded Doom, where The Manwitch attempts to psych Sam out, or something, but that's not important at the moment, because what is important at the moment is the fact that The Cypriot Leprechaun's discarded his ever-present toothpick on the table's green felt, and after a time-lapse during which Sam's pile of chips dwindles down to a dozen or so, The Cypriot Leprechaun's Longtime Companion saunters into the cellar to distract her paramour with the promise of nookie, so The Manwitch calls for a brief interlude, during which Darling Sammy...

...barrels out into the alleyway topside with the chewed-up, spit-laden toothpick hot in his remarkably healthy hands. He passes the thing to a waiting Old Dean, and after Old Dean offers a few meager words of encouragement, Darling Sammy darts back indoors while Old Dean trudges back to Blockheaded Bobby's...van? Bobby has a van? We'll go with that. For now. On his way, Old Dean pauses to grasp at his tingly left arm. Dun-dun-DUN! Or not, because of that whole angel-condom thing he's got going on this season, and this episode blows, and I want to die, and then we're back in...

...The Cellar Of Boring Blockheaded Doom, where Darling Sammy adopts an expression of studious boredom to bluff The Cypriot Leprechaun, but because Darling Sammy suh-huuuuuucks even harder at the expressions of studious boredom than he does at both Texas Hold 'Em and the hand-to-hand combat, The Manwitch is not fooled. I think.

Back at the van, Bobby's Laminating over a brazier, and when he hits a certain point in his recitation, the flames leap up and turn blue. At the proper moment, Old Dean drops the toothpick into the fire, then stands back, all, "Well? How do I look?" Bobby just sighs.

Down in the cellar, The Cypriot Leprechaun pulls his actual toothpick from his jacket pocket and flings the tiny thing down onto the table, noting with menace coloring his tones for the first time this evening that the other scrap of birchwood never passed his lips. Adding that he doesn't appreciate cheaters, he next telekinetically rearranges Darling Sammy's heretofore remarkably healthy innards, but because of that whole angel-condom thing Darling Sammy's got going on this season, and because this episode blows, and because I want to die, I remain singularly unconcerned regarding Our Intrepid Hero's well being throughout this sequence, even when said sequence ends in this evening's one and only METAL TEETH CHOMP! "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" CRAM IT, LIZARD.

Cellar, and if it's Thursday, Darling Sammy's getting choked, and if this episode did not blow, and if I did not want to die, this development would be very exciting indeed, but this episode does blow, and I do want to die, so everyone involved in this misbegotten abomination can just drop fucking dead for all I care. In any event, The Longtime Companion tugs at The Manwitch's arm, screaming that she herself is responsible for the betrayal, and if I gave a shit about either of these characters that we've never seen before and shall never see again after this evening, I'm sure I'd find the Moment Fraught With Significance that they subsequently share with one another most touching in the extreme, but I don't, so I don't, so we'll be heading back...

...topside, where Old Dean and Blockheaded Bobby puzzle through various explanations for the vanquish's failure until one or the other -- or possibly both, but I'm not rewinding to check, so there -- realizes the toothpick must be at fault, so they resolve to break back into The Manwitch's tony high-rise condominium to secure a different sample of The Cypriot Leprechaun's DNA. Um. Correction: Because the elevator at The Manwitch's tony high-rise condominium has been shut down for repairs, Old Dean will break back in to secure a different sample of The Cypriot Leprechaun's DNA after Old Dean climbs thirty-seven flights of stairs. With his bum ticker. Which I do not care about, because of that whole angel-condom thing Dim Dean's got going on this season, and this episode blows, and I want to die, and did you get all of that? Good.

The Cellar Of My Boring Blockheaded Doom And Despair. I think Sam just lost another hand. Next!

Lair Of The Manwitch. It's spotless, despite witches' well-documented facility for spewing bodily fluids everywhere they go. Darn. Whatever shall they dzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

The Cellar Of My Boring Blockheaded Doom And Despair. The Cypriot Leprechaun once again attempts to psych Darling Sammy out, and there's blather about playing the percentages versus going all in, but it turns out Darling Sammy was bluffing, and as I noted in the recaplet, if I gave a rat's ass about shitty reruns of Celebrity Poker Showdown, I'd watch Bravo, but to hell with all that, because it's time for...

...Old Dean's long-awaited and utterly irrelevant coronary, which leaves Old Dean gasping for breath on the plush pile carpeting up in The Lair Of The Manwitch just as...

...The Cypriot Leprechaun deals the final pocket cards and flop. We don't see what Darling Sammy's holding, but the flop is an ace and a pair of fours. Just so you know. Anyway, because The Manwitch decided to taunt Darling Sammy with news of Old Dean's supposedly impending demise and because The Manwitch refuses to allow Darling Sammy to leave the table until the game is well and truly finished, Our Dear Boy immediately goes all in. The turn and the river are a seven and a nine, respectively, but they don't matter because The Cypriot Leprechaun's holding a pair of aces for a full house. Dun-dun-DUN! Or not, because Darling Sammy is of course holding the other two fours. Huzzah! The Manwitch admires Darling Sammy's moxie, or some such bullshit, The Longtime Companion weeps tears of joy whilst fingering her significant locket, or some such bullshit, and Dashing El Deano is instantly restored to full health. Now, what in the goddamned motherfucking hell are they going to do with the remaining five godforsaken minutes of this misbegotten abomination of an episode?

Well, they start by trying to make us care about these characters that we've never seen before and shall never see again after this evening, and I realize that what I'm about to say may be shocking, but: They fail. The Longtime Companion opens that significant locket of hers, revealing the aforementioned photographs of her now-deceased and much-missed daughter as both a rosy-cheeked infant and an ancient deathbed biddy, and I think he calls her "Leah" which totally doesn't matter right now because, after all, I never told you fine people that his name was "Patrick," and she pleads with him to reverse whatever magical mojo he'd been laying on her well-preserved derriere over the last century or so because "it's not natural" for a mother to bury her centenarian of a daughter, or something like that, and after many tears are shed, The Manwitch complies. I should note, I suppose, that my problems with this scene do not include the performances offered by the actors involved -- though, you know, there is that crappy accent Ozsan's attempting to pass off as legitimate, but we'll pretend I never mentioned it -- because both are certainly hitting all of the correct notes, but seriously: NO ONE CARES ABOUT THESE PEOPLE. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Oy. So, long story short, they play one last hand, both of them going all in. He's got two pairs, kings over queens, and she has absolutely nothing, so she immediately morphs into a raisin and dies. Next!

This week's motel room, denouement. Darling Sammy and Speed Racer exchange a few pleasantries regarding the former's outstanding bit of luck the previous evening, and then Darling Sammy heads off for the free clinic and another round of antibiotics just as Dashing El Deano returns to this week's motel room, munching on a delicious-looking bacon double cheeseburger. Once Sam's disappeared to deal with his secret shame, Bobby proposes he and Dean load up the...van? The van? Really, Bobby -- a van? Whatever. That's not important right now, because what is important right now is the fact that Dashing El Deano wishes to gift the hairy paraplegic with a rousing pep talk. And I'd care about it more, I'm sure, especially given the fact that Blockheaded Bobby had earlier threatened to blast his own damn fool head off in a fit of wheelchair-related frustration, but again: Dean could have immediately returned twenty-six chips to The Manwitch for immolation rather than twenty-five, thereby restoring Blockheaded Bobby to the latter's former state of entirely ambulatory health, but Dean didn't immediately return twenty-six chips to The Manwitch for immolation rather than twenty-five, so I do not care, because THIS EPISODE SUCKS, AND I WANT TO DIE!

"Demian!" WHAT? Oh. Hi, Raoul. How was Hot Fuzz? "DEEEEEEEEEEEEE-lightful! Hee! See what I did there?!" Yes, Raoul. Yes, I see what you did there. Very nice, I'm sure. "Did you miss me!?" Actually, I kinda did, now that you ask, but there's something I missed just a little bit more. "Flagons?!" Well, I was actually going to say "an engaging plot for this evening's presentation," but are you offering? "Of course!" Then mix away, my scaly friend, while I handle what little remains of the misbegotten abomination. "No problem! Whatsoever!"

And while Raoul toddles off to whip us up a batch of something healing and tasty, Dean tells Bobby that old soldiers never die, they just fade away, and that cheers Speed Racer right up. I'm pretty sure. Please don't make me rewind to check, because there are seriously only fifty-four seconds left in this hateful episode, and it would be a thing of beauty and a joy forever if I could get through it without inflicting grave bodily injury upon myself. And in the end, we see the return of Badass Bobby as he most awesomely asks, "Now, are we done feeling our feelings? 'Cause I'd like to get out of this room before we both start growing lady parts." Hee. But then they have to ruin that beautiful moment by implying Dashing El Deano's decided to swear off delicious-looking bacon double cheeseburgers for good, and this show SUCKS and I WANT TO DIE and WHY WILL THIS EPISODE NOT END and look at that -- it's over. Thank fucking Christ.

And after the unmitigated trauma of this week's horrendous presentation, next week promises to be simply awesome. Richard Speight returns as The Trickster, who decides to torment Our Intrepid Heroes this time around by hurling them into a series of alternate realities wherein their lives play out like various television genres, including a three-camera sitcom with a laugh track, a sufficiently salacious version of Grey's Anatomy, a variation on C.S.I.: Miami featuring Darling Sammy as Horatio Caine, and -- perhaps most awesomely of all -- a take on Knight Rider in which the Impala stars as KITT. See you then.

Demian hated this episode so much, he can't find the strength to insult you. Raoul cannot possibly recommend Hot Fuzz to you more. "The gardening shears! The masonry! EEEEEEEEEEEEE! You may reach the former at demian_twop@yahoo.com. The latter is an imaginary gay dragon currently under house arrest on the Internet.

Discuss this episode in our forums, then see who vlogger Sean Crespo thinks the brothers should be battling in No Prior Knowledge!