Jack pops in just in time to laugh at Lemon's advancing age. He asks where they are on the talent search, so they pull the wool over his eyes about the strong contenders they have lined up for him to see that afternoon. Jack already doesn't like the look of some of them. Lemon reminds him that these are real people with hopes and dreams, but he doesn't want to hear it. He delivers a speech -- scratching all over his body throughout, but more on that later -- about being dispassionate and robotic. He concludes that human empathy is "as useless as the Winter Olympics... this February on NBC." Credits.

Out in the corridor, Jenna skitters up to Tracy in a tizzy. She asks if it's true that Lemon is holding auditions that day. Tracy doesn't think they have anything to worry about because the higher-ups will just hire some white guy who won't displace their bits. Jenna remains paranoid, and Dot Com chips in that it's true that anything can happen in the audition process. Tracy smugs that Dot Com must know everything about theater since he played a bird in a play one time. The bird in question? Trigorin in Chekhov's The Seagull.

Jenna spots Kenneth and heads over (floating with the wind in her hair like a witch, no less) to ferret information out of him. He admits he's under explicit orders from Lemon not to reveal any information about the auditions to Jenna. Then he remembers there's also a Jenna at the luggage store downstairs, so it must be okay to tell TGS Jenna. Since she's not hopelessly neurotic, nosy, and stopping-at-nothing to remain in the spotlight. Nope, must be that luggage store Jenna. Ohhhhhh, Kenneth. She sees the audition list and freaks out.

Kenneth makes his way into Jack's office, and Boss Man Donaghy is still scratching himself something awful. Kenneth immediately diagnoses Jack with bedbugs. Just then a colleague of Jack's enters, and Kenneth spills the beans. Jack insists there's no problem and confirms his attendance at a meeting that afternoon. The bigwig eyes him nervously and says he doesn't think Jack will be needed.

Lemon's office. Dot Com enters and starts reading a series of cue cards justifying why he wants to audition for TGS. Only he's lost the second of three cards, so we don't actually get the thrilling Uta Hagen quote he was planning to use as a clincher. Alas. Lemon holds firm that she doesn't have room for anyone else to audition. Dot Com takes it well and exits when Jenna stomps in and tells him to beat it.

Jenna is desperate for Lemon to pull Jayden from the audition. Lemon fudges that they have other options, and Jenna immediately recognizes Lemon's scheme. She says she's has bad blood with Jayden for 20 year since they did play together -- it's worth nothing, a play for which she was dressed as roller skating, space age Dorothy-meets-Tin Man, Jayden was dressed as a London street urchin, and everyone else was outfitted in Middle Eastern and Jesus-like costumes. Jayden, just a youngster then, approached Jenna (looking exactly the same age as she is presently) to congratulate her on her nomination -- "for Worst Supporting Bra!" Everyone got a good laugh in Jenna's expense on that one. Lemon tells Jenna to tamp down the crazy, but it's too late. Jenna runs off, freaking out already. Outside, Lemon hears Dot Com ruefully telling his mom the audition was cancelled and to pray for something else. She caves and tells him he can audition. Without missing a beat, he shoots back, "I'll need a piano," and snaps his phone like a diva.

Upstairs, Jack walks into his office to find a massive TV screen in his office through which he can conduct the meeting with his colleagues. He feels relegated because of his bed bugs, but they insist it's for everyone else's health and safety. Then Jack's colleague makes a snotty comment, which rankles Jack. He insists he's being discriminated against. The bigwigs simply mute him and carry on the meeting as he screams angrily into the camera at them. Also, the entire scene is one big, tongue-in-cheek plug for Cisco.

Back downstairs, Pete is pissed that Lemon threw off his system. He says that Lemon has opened the flood gates and now everyone will want in. To wit, Frank approaches to say he heard out about Dot Com and angrily declares he's auditioning, too. Just moments later, Brian Williams says he's heard too. He assures her that he's not interested in auditioning, but -- cue cheesy Jersey accent -- "Nicky Matarullo from Scotch Plains, New Jersey, might be. 'ey fuhgeddaboudit!" OMG, love. Wish Brian Williams would do the entire nightly newscast in that voice. Lemon, however, can only put on a strained fake smile.

Meanwhile, Jenna sprints frantically into Tracy's dressing room and declares an "actor emergency!" Tracy grabs his happy face/sad face masks and prepares to jump into action. Then Jenna tells him that her nemesis is auditioning, and his only competition is the one-man band, some old Australian, and Dot Com. Upon hearing Dot Com landed an audition, Tracy gets nervous because he "once saw that guy become Trigorin at the Wesleyan Art Space." Jenna suggests they beat Lemon at her own game by trolling the streets to find actors who will outshine Jayden and Dot Com. Tracy is in.

Back upstairs, Jack is still scratching away. He hands a paper to Jonathan and tells him to call his car. Jonathan tearfully confesses that the higher-ups won't let Jack use his company car until the bedbug situation is sorted. He'll have to take a taxi cab. The horror! Jack heads downstairs, but the taxi driver spots him scratching and refuses to him someone in the cab with "Mugabe's concubine." Heh. Cut to a few minutes later, Jack has desperately taken to the subway. He stands up to make an announcement that he is not, indeed, a drug addict or a beggar but a rich executive who just needs to get medicine for his bedbugs. He asks for directions to the 4 train, but everyone -- including some semi-crazy hobo -- looks at with judgment in their eyes as they shift to the other side of the train.

Back in the building, Lemon walks out of the studio to find a veritable circus of people lined up to audition for the show. And, oh yes, the ever elegant Cathy Geist has now joined the audition pool and is standing in the corridor doing some sort of weird 1950s calisthenics in prep for her big shot. Pete stresses that his system has been thwarted and that Jack might actually pick one of these freak shows now. Just then, their choice Jayden walks in and asks if all these wackos are his competition. He barely gets his sentence finished before Cathy Geist rams into his side like an ornery mountain goat. Yes! Jayden recovers and asks Lemon to take a picture of him in front of the TGS sign. He jokes around with them for a minute, then says he'll see them when he's on stage. He walks off, and Lemon conspires one last time with Pete about how to make things right with this train wreck of an audition.

Elsewhere, Jenna and Tracy scour the city for fresh talent. They find a "bi-larious" gay actor at the Hugh Jackman taping of Inside the Actor's Studio and a booty dancing, big-boned, black lady in Central Park.

Back at 30 Rock, Grizz gives Dot Com an origami seagull as a token of good luck for his audition. They share an emotional hug.

Jack re-enters the building, looking downtrodden and sees Kenneth. He says he's realized what life is like on the bottom of the feeding chain. He was ostracized, ridiculed, and judged today. No one would even touch him. "But you will, won't you?" he asks Kenneth. He whispers, extra-creepy, "Make me feel human again. Embrace me, Kenneth." Jack extends his arms, but even Kenneth recoils with a disgusted look on his face and starts to make an excuse. Jack calls to him, "Et tu, Kenneth?" Kenneth shoots back in fluent Latin, "You speak Latin? Then you understand. The safety of the people is the highest law."

Back in the hallway, Pete tries to tinker the Hornberger System to suit the new conditions when Tracy and Jenna strut in with their rag tag bunch of candidates, which now includes a rabbi, as well. Tracy also hands over an expense form for driving a million miles in pursuit of these actors. Lemon grits her teeth.

Lemon pulls them into Tracy's dressing room to harangue Jenna for pulling Tracy into her scheme. Jenna insists that Jayden is bad news, but Lemon says she called all of his references: a commercial with Martin Scorsese, a play with Christopher Walken... "he's even studying the Meisner Technique with Sir Gilbert Gottfried." They all said they loved Jayden. Lemon says the Hornberger System will prevail. Jenna retorts, "Think again, Liz. The Hornberger System will devail! Is that the opposite of prevail?" Lemon gives up on yet another pointless conversation and leaves to oversee the auditions. Jenna decides to pull out her secret weapon. She plans to mess with Jayden's head by walking up to him and saying it's nice to meet him. Apparently, that freaks people out. She and Tracy bump fists.

Outside, Jack catches Lemon trying to kick out some of the hopefuls. Having become one with Joe the Plumber, Jack criticizes her for being dispassionate and robotic -- the exact qualities he instructed her to emulate that morning. Jack says the bedbugs have taken the blinders off of his eyes and declares that everyone should have a chance.

Audition montage: Frank curses. A lot. Central Park girl eats a donut and shakes her sizeable booty. A dour-looking older custodian says his first character will be "an old janitor who's finally had enough and stabs everybody." Josh the writer crawls back after failing on the big screen and being forced to do guy-guy stuff in a "web short." Toofer and Lutz introduce their comedic troupe: Laugh of the Mohicans. Brian Williams expounds on what happens in the refrigerator when the light goes off, adding a desultory "fuhgeddaboudit."

Meanwhile, Jenna goes into Jayden's prep room and is beat to the punch when Jayden says it's nice to her. She blows up that she was supposed to be the one who didn't remember her. The plan works for Tracy, though, who tells Dot Com it's nice to meet him and wreaks havoc on him emotionally. Outside, a frenzied Pete grabs the first performer he sees on the street to even out the numbers since Toofer and Lutz auditioned as a pair. That performer is a silver-painted robot man.

Auditions: Dot Com seems to be under the mistaken impression that he's on Def Poetry Jam but crashes and burns anyway on account of Tracy's psychological warfare. Cathy Geist sings "I Dreamed a Dream" from Les Mis, Susan Boyle-style. Jack moons. Lemon holds back tears. The robot guy does robot-y things. And then Jayden comes on stage. His first piece is a dinner party with three very special guests. If you're guessing, those guests are Martin Scorsese, Christopher Walken, and Gilbert Gottfried. He doles out three pitch-perfect impressions (by which I mean their voices are literally imposed over his moving lips), and Lemon realizes she's been had. Jack cracks up.

Later, Lemon storms in Jayden's dressing room and tells him in her worst Walken impression to "Giiiive... it up. I figured ouuuut... ya game." She moans that she fought for him, and now she's going to have to start all over again. He informs her that she's going to have to hire him under any circumstances. He's hatched a diabolical plan to make it look like she compelled him to let her take pictures of his genitals in order to get the job. And since she took that picture of him earlier, her prints are all over his camera. Lemon says Jenna was right. Jayden is crazy. He asks, "Would a crazy person laugh like this?" before letting out a Jack-Nicholson-as-Joker cackle that can only be described as "maniacal." Honestly, though, compared to Jenna and Tracy, he's probably still the most sensible person on the cast.

Elsewhere, Jack waits for the freight elevator. The robot performer approaches. Jack mournfully points him toward the regular elevator, saying, "You're the one who's human here." The robot looks down with a doleful whir.

Down the hall, Lemon admits she was wrong to Jenna and Tracy. She apologizes for not believing Jenna, but explains she only did it because Jenna is never right. Jenna, too, is proud of her first time. They hug.

Lemon heads off to tell Jack they have to hold another audition. But it's too late. Jack says that the auditions were horrifying, but that there was one true stand-out. Assuming the Hornberger System worked, Lemon tries to warn Jack that Jayden is crazy. Jack says crazy is par for the course in this business -- just look at Tracy and Jenna. He tells Lemon it's her job to manage the crazy and tease out the talent. Lemon insists she wants to start over, but Jack has made his decision. They're hiring the robot. It may seem out of left field, but in fact it's because the robot was the only auditioner who stooped to shake Jack's bedbug-infested hand. Lemon is confused, but relieved.

Bonus footage: Jack joins a subway quartet in singing "This Little Light of Mine." He swills cheap booze in between phrases and even gets to take around the offering bag!

Donations are also accepted in the form of jokes...

Lemon, You Old Giza
Jack: Where are we on this audition?
Lemon: We've narrowed it down to four people for this afternoon.
Jack: I'm already not liking some of these people. It reminds me of being on the bus.
Lemon: Hey, come on guys. These are people up here with feelings and mothers who worry about them.
Jack: Now Lemon stop right there. You are on top of the pyramid. TGS is a small pyramid, which nevertheless will one day be your tomb. You can't let emotions distract you from making decisions about the slaves who built the pyramid, which again will one day be your tomb.

Au Naturel Disaster
Tracy: Jennifer M., why are you so worked up?
Jenna: Because it's going to be a disaster -- like Katrina. Do you remember Katrina... that crazy girl from hair and makeup?

Only the Best Pests for Jackie D.
Kenneth: Oh, my sir. It looks like you got a bad case of the chewdaddies.
Jack looks confused.
Kenneth: Ozark kisses? The woodsman's companion? Bedbugs. They're a big problem in New York right now.
Jack: I don't have bedbugs, Kenneth. I went to Princeton.
Kenneth: Sir, anyone can get them. Back in Stone Mountain, even the Mayor had bed bugs. And she was a horse.
One of Jack's colleagues enters.
Breckman: I'm sorry, am I interrupting?
Jack: No, Breckman. It's nothing.
Kenneth: It's not nothing, sir. Mr. Donaghy's got Blue Ridge quilt ticklers... oh, sorry, bedbugs.
Breckman: Bedbugs? Can't those live in your clothes?
Kenneth: That's true, Mr. Donaghy. The Mayor had to burn all her pantsuits.

Audition Mechanics 101
Jenna: What are our options besides Jayden Michael Tyler?
Lemon: A lot of good people.
Jenna glances at the decoys' headshots.
Jenna: You're setting him up to get it! You don't think I know that trick? You don't think I've been brought in on a million auditions just to make Kim Cattrall seem grounded and human?

Audition Mechanics 101
Pete: Now you've compromised the Hornberger System. It's four people for a reason. The first guy, Jack's settling in. The second, he hates. The third is Jayden. The fourth proves how good Jayden is. The more people you add, the less effective it is -- like a neighborhood dad garage band.

Can We Send Jon Gosselin to Australia Next?
Lemon beholds the hordes of auditioning nut jobs.
Pete: Happy?
Lemon: No. Not since I was a child. What is Cathy Geist doing here?
Pete: Her father heard about Brian Williams and insisted she get a chance. There's too many people here for the Hornberger System, Liz. What if Jack actually picks one of these weirdos? Do you know the Australian Jackie Mason was chemically castrated by his government?

Whatever's Useful, Right?
Jayden: Maybe this [picture of me standing in front of the TGS sign] will convince my mom to stop sending me law school applications.
Lemon: My mom used to send me articles about how older virgins were considered good luck in Mexico.

Random Fact about Kenneth #481
Kenneth: Oh, Mr. Donaghy, did they make you ride the freight elevator?
Jack: I walked in your shoes today, Kenneth.
Kenneth: I don't think you did, sir. I've just got the one pair, and I sleep in them.

There's a First for Everything
Lemon: Jenna, you're right. He's crazy. We can't hire him!
Tracy: Who, Brian Williams?
Lemon: No! Jayden. I'm sorry I doubted you. It's just that you've never been right before... about anything.
Jenna: I know!

Now That's a Grand Finale!
Jack: I've never been to an audition before. It was upsetting. A grotesque carnival of human misery.
Lemon: To be fair, I did not think Cathy Geist was going to finish her song by taking off her underpants.

We open on a country song and our episode chyron: "Chapter Seven: "Once Upon A Time in Texas." Hiro appears in his hospital gown and walks through the chyron. He gazes in the window of the Burnt Toast Diner at Charlie "Three Years Ago." A woman walks in and tells Hiro he has a nice butt, helping him suddenly realize he's still in the gown. He heads into a yard with a clothesline and steals some things, including a Knight Rider T-shirt. A kid in cowboy gear points a toy gun at him and tells him he's stealing his daddy's clothes. Hiro apologizes, but explains he's here to save the life of the woman he loves, but the boy doesn't believe in love. Hiro explains his story to the kid: Boy meets girl, falls in love, she dies, he travels through time to try to save her. We get flashes back to these things actually happening in Season 1. He says he did everything he could to try to save her, but life isn't a fairy tale: "The brain man" always killed her. He says letting Charlie die was his greatest failure. The kid follows Hiro to the diner and asks what a brain man is. Hiro doesn't answer, but just says he'll defeat him because he's the good guy. The kid puts his white cowboy hat on Hiro and says good guys wear white hats and bad guys wear black hats. Sylar shows up in his black baseball cap. But he's three-years-ago Sylar, so he doesn't recognize Hiro. Sylar goes inside and sits down at one of Charlie's tables, and the kid whispers, "He was wearing a black hat." Hiro: "Uh-oh." What? Did he not see this coming? Title card.

Carnival. "Present Day." Samuel tells Lydia the Tattooed Lady that Arnold is dying, and it could happen tonight. They need Hiro now, and since Samuel put him on a journey, it's not going to be easy to get him to stop it and come live with them. Lydia the Tattooed Lady tells Samuel that he could convince an apple that it's an orange. Which would be helpful when dealing with an apple that's insecure about its apple identity, I guess? Samuel doesn't know how he'll convince Hiro he's an orange. Or part of this family. Or whatever they're trying to be all dramatic about. Lydia the Tattooed Lady says "Desperate times, desperate measures. And all of that." Samuel touches Lydia's back with his pen and Charlie shows up on it. She explains who Charlie is, and that she died three years ago. He sees this as an opportunity, but Lydia's not done showing him stuff. She also shows him HRG, Claire and Sylar, all connected by a ribbon of ink. She wonders how he's going to get back there, and he says he's going to have to ask Arnold to help him again, which apparently will kill him, so he tells Lydia they all have sacrifices and quotes herself back at her: "Desperate times, desperate measures, and all that."

Burnt Toast Diner in the past again. Hiro hides behind a newspaper and watches Charlie go to Sylar's table. Charlie pours Sylar coffee and comments on his watch, then tells him that her brain's been remembering a lot of stuff lately. She's her very own Wikipedia. Sylar looks interested, and starts quizzing her about who won the Nobel Peace Prize in various years. Then he asks about the most common cause of death, and the best thing on the menu. She answers everything sweetly, until he asks if she thinks the photographic memory is because of the blood clot in her brain. She wonders how he knows, and he says he also has a gift: seeing things, and fixing them if they're broken. He says one look at her and he can see, then makes an explosion sound at her. When did Sylar become a parody of himself? Charlie's clearly rattled as she walks back by Hiro, who's hiding behind the paper again. Samuel appears and tells him it's a smart move to hide like that. But I don't get it, because Charlie hasn't met him yet, has she? Hiro remembers him from the carnival, and calls him "butterfly man." Samuel says they need to talk and leads him out, right past HRG, who's on the phone bickering with Sandra about missing homecoming.

As HRG wraps up his phone call by saying he'll pick up Greenies for Muggles, three-years-ago Hiro and Ando walk in and sit down at a booth. Then Elisabeth Rohm comes in, rubs HRG on the shoulder and says she's sorry she's late. She says traffic was actually a bitch; "homecoming hooray!" I don't even understand what that means. Elisabeth, whose name here is Lauren, tells HRG she can tell he's been talking to Sandra and arguing because he has some line on his face that's tell-tale. He snaps that he wishes he could tell Sandra the truth of why he's going to miss homecoming: that he's trying to catch a deranged killer with superpowers and trying to save Claire. Lauren agrees that the lying sucks. I know I said in the recap that Lauren and HRG were partners, but I think they're just co-workers who meet for coffee or whatever at the Burnt Toast Diner, and not partners at all. I still don't get why this storyline happened when we could have had something actually interesting happen instead that might help fill in something in the past and/or the present instead of this filler in what's otherwise a good episode. But I can't ask for too much good in one episode. That would require yet another remake of this show. Lauren says she uses PMS as an excuse, but HRG doesn't think that would work for him. He tells her how nice it is to have a friend he can talk to and be open with. She wonders if that's what that is, since she'd call it flirting. He says it's not, but she says they've been doing this twice a week, and the pancakes aren't that good. He agrees they're not. She tells him she booked a motel room and gives him the key. They look at each other and then he gets a phone call. It's Eden with the Sylar paintings. Lauren says she'll meet him at the office. He walks past Charlie, Hiro, Ando, and Sylar on his way out.

The present-day Hiro is hiding in the back with Samuel, who's watching everything with interest. Hiro is quizzing him on whether he's a time traveler, too, and if he's following him. Samuel says the question is what is Hiro doing here. He says he's here to save Charlie, and Samuel wonders why. Hiro reminds Samuel that he's the one who told him to right the wrongs of his life by stepping on the right butterflies. And Charlie? She's the biggest butterfly. She's Mothra! Except that I thought we determined the first time that this wasn't a wrong Hiro caused and that he couldn't stop it, no matter what? Otherwise, wouldn't he have gone back and done this before? Samuel says he's trying to protect Hiro, because this isn't a spilled slushy. This is something more, and everyone was on a particular path. He has him look at his past self so he gets it. He says Sylar, Peter, and Claire were all on their particular paths, too. Samuel tells him that one wrong move can change everything, and wonders if Charlie's actually worth that. Hiro says she is, and turns around to find her gone. Sylar's gone too.

In the back room, Charlie's opening her giant jar of fruit salad. Sylar's hiding behind a shelf but she doesn't see him. He raises his finger to start the head cutting when time freezes. Hiro comes in and looks at frozen Charlie, then turns and looks at frozen Sylar, exasperated. After a break for commercials, Hiro's wheeling frozen Sylar out past frozen everyone else on a dolly. He actually has Sylar duct-taped to it, so he did some quick work during our commercial break. It's still funny to watch Hiro do this. Hiro puts Sylar into the cargo hold of a bus as he tells him he has to stay on his path and Peter has to stop him to make everything in the future stay normal. So he'll just leave him here. We get a funny shot of Sylar's frozen head in with suitcases, but you can't help but wonder how long it will take a guy with Sylar's abilities to get out of this bind once Hiro restarts time. Inside, Hiro's nervous and checks himself out in the mirror to make sure he looks presentable for the love of his life before restarting time so she can see him. He gives himself a little pep talk, in which he tells himself in Japanese not to be nervous since he's going to be "awesome-charming-super-cool." Hee. I miss this Hiro, who's still sort of silly but not just a total waste of time and space (ironic, since he's supposedly the master of those things). As he goes to restart time, he reminds himself that if Charlie doesn't die, he doesn't go back to save her, and they don't fall in love. "Great-oh Scott." He runs out to see Ando sitting alone, and then he sees Charlie's birthday photo without him in it. He looks at Samuel.

In the bathroom, Hiro finds past Hiro. When he tells him he's from the future, past Hiro is like, "Ah! Like Peter Petrelli saw on the subway train. Where's your sword?" Oh, but I have so many more questions than that, Hiro. First of all, why didn't that Hiro come to pass? Is that only the Hiro that would happen if they didn't save the world in Season 1? But, back to that scene, why did Hiro tell Peter he looks different without his scar as if he'd never seen him without it when we know they know each other? Was that also only if the Season 1 world-saving hadn't come to pass? I'm going to pretend that's the case so I can stop caring about why. Past Hiro is here to save the cheerleader, but present Hiro tells him she will be fine, and he actually needs to save the waitress, who's dead. He won't let past Hiro see her, but he sends him back six months to find Charlie. He tells him she's MJ to their Spidey. Present Hiro tries to be all serious about it (as if it's possible to be this serious when telling someone that a woman is MJ to your Spidey) and tells him what to do, then calls him a moron after he goes back. He looks at the picture of Charlie's birthday and he's with her now. Hiro "Yatta!"s.

Bennet's at Primatech. Pixie (Nora Zehetner taking time from her Grey's schedule to reappear) leads him into Isaac's room and introduces them to each other. HRG and Isaac talk about all of Isaac's paintings of Claire and about Sylar and powers. It's all very repetitive if you saw the first season. Basically, though, HRG wants to know what Sylar looks like, so he needs Isaac to paint him. He whines about how Claire came along right when he and Sandra were having problems conceiving a child. He tearily tells Isaac this is his daughter they're talking about.

Burnt Toast Diner. Hiro comes out of the bathroom and touches his head so we don't forget he has a painful tumor. Samuel asks him if everything's okay, and Hiro actually replies, "A-OK, Cowboy." Then Samuel asks him why he looks like the cat who ate the canary. (What is with all of the stupid sayings?) Hiro shows him the birthday picture and says he did it! "No kablooey!" Samuel says he's getting why Hiro's going to all this trouble, and then reminds him he should probably fill Ando in since he sent past Hiro away. Hiro sits down with Ando and tells him he's "Future Hiro." Ando wonders about the sword, and Hiro's like, "Enough with the sword!" (I think they're talking to fans who have been wondering when we'd get that non-accented Samurai Hiro.) He tells Ando that past Hiro's six months in the past but will be here soon, and Ando needs to wait for him. He says he will. Hiro goes to the back room to talk to Charlie, who greets him warmly. They hug, and she says he's acting like he hasn't seen her in forever. He tells her to pick a place and they'll go there. Her trip around the world starts today. He doesn't want to spend another minute apart from her. He asks where they're going. She laughs, and then decides Otsu, Japan, since that's where Takezo Kinsei was born. She spouts a bunch of her Wikipedia brain facts at him and then sort of freezes muttering them. Hiro yells, "Charlie," and she snaps out of it. She wonders what she was saying and starts to fall. She explains in more Wikipedia terms what's going on: Her aneurysm is rupturing, and she's dying. He tells her not yet.

He arrives back at the Greyhound station where he left Sylar and opens up the cargo hold. Surprisingly, Sylar's not in there anymore. But he pushes Hiro up against the bus and steps into the background, taking us to commercial. When we're back, Sylar asks who Hiro is and what he did to him. Hiro says he heard Sylar say he can fix things that are broken, and he needs her to fix Charlie. Hiro says Charlie's dying, and Sylar says Hiro's dying first. Hiro freezes time and moves away, then unfreezes it and tells Sylar he can't kill him, "brain man." He gives chase and Sylar follows him. They stand in an alley, all Western face-off, and Sylar lifts his hand again to take Hiro's power, but Hiro freezes time again and moves behind Sylar before unfreezing. He does it again and when he unfreezes, he tells Sylar that if he kills him, he'll never learn about his own future: his life and death. Sylar says he knows he's lying now, since he's about to get Claire's power of invincibility/immortality (which is it, anyway?). Hiro says he'll tell him everything he knows if he'll help him save Charlie. Sylar notices Hiro's tumor. Then some cheerleaders run by behind them.

Back at Burnt Toast Diner, the lady who told Hiro his butt was cute earlier is sitting with Charlie in the back room when Hiro and Sylar come in. The lady says Charlie's not doing well, and then Hiro introduces Sylar as a doctor. Sylar agrees, and Hiro swears he'll help her. The lady leaves. Hiro asks if Sylar can take the aneurysm out, and Sylar says it's not a problem. "It's like balling a melon." How cool would it be if he used an actual melon-baller? He says he usually prefers a more invasive style. Hiro tells Sylar that if Charlie dies, he dies too. Charlie tells Hiro she's okay with it being her time and he doesn't have to do this, but he says they're meant to be together. Sylar tells her to stay still, but she shakes and speaks Japanese. Hiro speaks Japanese back to her, telling her that his favorite Japanese poet was Ryokan, who wrote a famous haiku: "The thief left it behind; the moon at my window." Uh, how is that a haiku? He goes on that they have their love no matter what, and no thief or illness can take that. Sylar pinches his fingers together and she bleeds from the eye. She says she's fine, and Sylar did it. Hiro wipes her blood tear. Sylar looks serious. I know I already said this in the recaplet, but if he can do that without cutting her head open, why can't he take powers the same way? If he can see tumors and aneurysms inside people's heads and even be able to mess with them through skulls -- all of which I believe, I guess -- he shouldn't have to kill them or cut their heads open to read their brains. Should he?

Cheerleaders are cheering. One of them is Claire, with a long fake ponytail so that we know it's the past. She sees HRG standing across the street and runs over to him. He says he's there to watch her cheer since he might miss homecoming tomorrow. She says she was going to eat with the girls, but she'd love to grab a bite with him. So they sit on a bench next to a giant plastic ice cream sundae and talk. She wonders if everything is okay at work, and he asks why she'd think something's wrong. She asks if he loves selling paper, and he says he likes it a lot. She's sorry, but she just can't imagine he grew up wanting to sell paper. She's right: Only Michael Scott would consider that a dream job. He says she's right, so she asks what he wanted to do. She gives him a "Pleeeeease," so he says he wanted to teach high school English, specifically Shakespeare. She wonders what he knows about that, and he quotes some: "Now fair, Hippolyta, our nuptial hour draws on apace. Four happy days bring in another moon, but, o, methinks how slow this old moon wanes..." Claire asks if it's Romeo and Juliet, but it's of course A Midsummer Night's Dream. He tells her it's all about falling in and out of love. She laughs that he's a drama geek, and tells him she thinks he should teach. He can wait until she graduates (who cares about Lyle, right?), but he should do it. She wants him happy. He says he is happy, and doesn't think he'll teach. The other cheerleaders call for Claire, and she tells him she loves him and leaves. He looks at the hotel key in his pocket.

Diner. Hiro's asking if Charlie's sure she's okay, and she says she is. Sylar's finally eating the pancakes he ordered. He says he's sorry to interrupt this Hallmark moment, but he and Hiro had a deal. Now he wants to know everything he knows. This is the part where Hiro needs to negotiate to have Sylar fix his own tumor, right? But, no, he just tells Sylar that he'll tell him how he dies: "Alone. I'm sorry." Sylar wonders what the hell that's supposed to mean, and Hiro tells him he'll collect a lot of powers and become strong, but in the end, it won't matter because they all gather to stop him and he's alone. "No one will mourn your death. No one will shed a tear. No one." Hiro wishes he could change fate, but Sylar must go on his path. He sends him back to the alley (so, Hiro can control this power, or he can't? This episode isn't making that very clear), where the cheerleaders are running by again. Sylar puts on his baseball cap and heads toward them with a smirk. I am confused as to whether Hiro actually thinks Sylar is dead. It's not possible that he didn't see him or know that he didn't die in the entire last two seasons, is it? I realize he's been off in his own times and worlds a lot, but didn't he know that Sylar survived the first season finale?

Lauren's drinking in the hotel room of things that I am going to pretend never happened (BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T) when HRG comes in and asks for a drink himself. She pours him one, and they both start speaking. He tells her he can't do this as she says she's glad they came. Then he tells her workplace romances aren't smart, but she asks him not to blame it on the job, since that's what he does with Sandra and Claire, not her. Maybe he should try blaming it on, oh, I don't know ... HIS MARRIAGE. She says she knows about workplace stuff, but this isn't supply-closet, bored sex. He cares about her. He agrees that he does and touches her face. Oh god, this never happened. She tells him they are such good liars that they've convinced themselves everything is okay, but it's not. "Taking the long way home. Having that extra beer with dinner." What on earth is she talking about? Are these the excuses they use? Or ... ? Not that it matters, since this didn't actually happen. She asks if they don't deserve a little happiness. He sits next to her on the bed and says he loves his family, even though it's complicated and he lies to them. He hopes one day he can tell them the truth and he doesn't want to destroy that possibility. "And that is the truth." She knows that. He tells her she's a great agent. She says, "I can bag and tag with the rest of them. I'm a regular rodeo queen." Seriously, what is with the dialogue in this episode. Rodeo queen? Really? He tells her he needs her help with Sylar and Claire. She nods, "Of course." She says she'll always be there to help. Except in every other episode of this show.

Present Hiro's watching Charlie through the Burnt Toast Diner window when Ando comes out to ask if everything is okay. He says everything is fine, and he needs to just keep waiting. He sends him back inside, as Charlie comes out. She looks upset, and tells him she has a knot in her gut. He says he'll untie it, but she says he's the one who put it there. She says she was okay with dying, but this feels like cheating. Plus, he says Sylar's going to kill a lot of people and she wonders how he can let that happen. He says he had to preserve the time-space continuum, but she points out that he didn't since he saved her. He gets frustrated and says this is their happily ever after, and they're going to Otsu. He looks so heartbroken that it breaks my heart more than a little. Charlie tells him thousands of people die every day -- young, old, accidents, murders. Why is she different? He says, "Because I love you." She tells him that's just selfish and leaves.

Primatech break room. HRG's reading newspapers when Lauren comes in and formally hands him an envelope. She says she found it on her desk, and thinks someone delivered it by mistake. He opens it and a hotel key falls out. She asks if he plans on staying at the Midland Motel. He looks at her, then gets up and quietly asks if they're pretending they've never been to the Burnt Toast Diner. She looks confused and asks if everything's okay. Then he opens the paper that was in the envelope with the key. It says, "Noah, Gone Haitian. Wiped my memory. Better this way. More professional. Love, Lauren." She apparently doesn't believe in complete sentences. He smiles sadly to himself and tells her, yeah, everything's okay. He says it was his mistake, since he thought he saw her at the diner. She tells him to have a good night and leaves. He looks a little tearful, but no one cares. Because this never happened. I remember Season 1, and she wasn't there. Commercials, including the latest episode of Slow Burn, in which some guy's showing Amanda (Lydia's daughter) around the carnival. She thinks it's incredible. When the guy leans toward her, Edgar threatens him with a knife and sends Amanda back to her mother.

Burnt Toast Diner. Hiro sits down at the bar and says, "Beer please." Then clarifies: "Root." He looks sad, and says in Japanese, "It's over." HRG replies in Japanese and asks if he knows him. Hiro says, "No." Then ... "Not yet." HRG wonders what's wrong, and Hiro says he might have ruined his chance at true love. HRG quotes more of A Midsummer Night's Dream: "The course of true love never did run smooth." Hiro smiles and then HRG says "It's a messy business, friend," in Japanese, and wishes him luck. Charlie comes back in and apologizes for being terrible after he risked his life for her. He tells her he understands why she thinks he's selfish, but he knows the world is a better place with her in it. She thanks him for saving her, and he does this cute, "Aww, shucks, ma'am. It was no trouble," and pretends to tip his hat. She tells him she was trying to make one thousand origami cranes. Then, in Japanese, she says she wants them to have their happy ending. She tells him she loves him. They kiss, and it's very sweet. It's so sweet that the first time I watched this episode and wrote the recaplet, I thought this episode was better than it was. In actuality, it's a lot of stuff that throws off the actual storylines that happened three years ago and then this one sweet thing. He says "Happily. Ever. After." She says "Let's go," and he follows her out the door.

Out front, she's not there, but Samuel is. He tells Hiro he's done something very bad. He's taken Charlie. He had to. He says he took her to the carnival. Hiro cries and wonders why. Samuel says it's all been about getting to Hiro. Samuel tells Hiro he'll have to dig deep and take control and take them to the present if he wants to see her again. Hiro angrily pushes Samuel up against a building, and then they're in the carnival. Samuel congratulates him on gaining control back. As opposed to when he kept freezing time and when he sent Sylar to the alley earlier, right? Hiro asks where Charlie is, but Samuel says she's not exactly here. Hiro looks around at all of the freaks from the carnival, who are circled around watching. Hiro asks where Charlie is, but no one says anything. They all just look at him as if he's the crazy one. Maybe they should take a look in all those funhouse mirrors.

Hiro goes into a trailer and finds Arnold dead. Samuel explains he was a time traveler just like Hiro, and he had a tumor, too, because his body couldn't stand the strain. Samuel says the last thing he asked of Arnold was to trap Charlie somewhere in time, which killed him. Hiro calls Samuel a murderer, and he says, "Yeah." Hiro asks where Charlie is, but Samuel won't tell him because then he'd have nothing to keep him here. He says Hiro has too much honor. (Is that even a problem? Too much honor?) Samuel says he respects him, but he had to do something to get him to work for him, to fix his past. Hiro wonders why him, since he already had a time traveler. Samuel says that if anyone here found out about his transgressions, all the good work he's done would unravel. Hiro says Samuel's not butterfly man; he's evil butterfly man. Samuel throws Charlie's nametag at Hiro, and says he's the only one who knows where she is, and he can save her, but only if he'll do exactly as Samuel asks him to do. He says he has his own butterflies that need crushing.

Samuel says he made a mistake, about eight weeks ago. Hey! That's when the show started. I will agree that many mistakes were made then and have been made since, though I'm not ready to blame Samuel as long as the writing staff of this show is still employed. "Eight Weeks Ago." Samuel -- who looks like he's from a biker gang or something, with greasy, slicked-down hair and a completely different wardrobe -- looks panicky and whispers that he's so sorry as a fire starts burning in an apartment. When we see what he's looking at it's Mohinder. Lying on the floor. He looks dead, and his apartment's burning up. So, yay! We'll get yet another character on this show who dies and then is brought back through someone's power. I just love it when that happens. The stakes are so high when there's no such thing as death. Sylar looks like he's possibly wearing a bullet-proof vest, which has been shot multiple times. Maybe. It's hard to tell, but there's something all over his chest, which looks might puffed up. We zoom in on his face and get our "To be continued..." Which, with this show, means it will probably be continued in two weeks or more.

Next time: Whatever power Peter has is draining out of him and then coming back. Emma's concerned, and thinks maybe he shouldn't use it. Peter: "And be ordinary?" Becky and HRG have a standoff, in which she says this is actually all about him. He says she's not going to hurt his daughter, and she says she's going to hurt them both. Sylon-in-Matt picks up a crowbar and threatens the Matt Sylon, but then uses it to kill a man. Which, of course, means Matt's body did the crime. But another lesson I've learned from this show: Crimes committed don't matter for our heroes. There is no law enforcement on Heroes other than the bumbling idiocy of Matt Parkman.

DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, will never believe Lauren exists. You can try to convince her otherwise via email: twopmodmars@gmail.com. ]]> tag:www.televisionwithoutpity.com,2009://2.34854 2009-11-09T13:02:52Z 2009-11-09T13:05:31Z

Holly is going through her paperwork angrily reiterating the fact that she is broke. You know, Holly you should probably save all that paper for when you get really destitute and have to live on the mean streets of Pasadena and need to make a blanket out of scrap paper. But Holly is in no joking mood. She is wearing her glasses, so you know she is taking this thing seriously. So when David suggests that she consider selling her shares in Ojai, Holly snaps at him. She sticks her fingers in her ears because she is not hearing that. Does she know how much old man butt she had to see in order to get that stock in the first place? If she sells her shares now, when stocks are down, she will have put up with nasty old William and his wandering penis for nothing. Holly admits that she has been considering selling, but wants to start shilling her cheap wine first in order to prop up the stocks and then she can consider selling. She doesn't want to talk about it now and she has to get ready for her meeting. Say Holly, if you are so busy, why did you bring your boyfriend to work with you? Doesn't he have guitars to strum elsewhere? David interrupts her again just to let her know that he doesn't just love her for her money. It must be for her delightful and sunny attitude then.

Scotty and Kevin are super excited that their potential surrogate is going in for an ultrasound. I mean just three episodes ago Kevin wanted to delay having a kid so he could devote all his time and energy to Kitty and now -- mere episodes later -- here they are having a pre-implantation ultrasound! Think Hallmark makes a card for the occasion? Speaking of occasions, Scotty and Michelle are reminiscing about the many occasions they spent drinking their livers into submission. Kevin grimaces at the thought of his not yet conceived child having to spend time in the womb of a woman who once drank, like, Goldschlager shots. But Kevin, she'll be all sparkly on the inside! And, yes, that is totally what they mean when they say someone is pretty on the inside. It means her interior looks like a glitter ball and, yes, you are jealous. Michelle chirpily informs him that she is totally ready to take a break from all "that stuff," an answer that sends Kevin into a surrogate-doubting spiral. What stuff is she referring to exactly? Cocaine-infused cocktail binges? Or raw milk cheese? Or (gasp!) trans fats??? He can't park his precious ovum in her trailer park of a uterus. Then, when Michelle hints at a familial history of both stroke and heart attacks, Kevin gets so anxious he forgets basic genetics and panics that his precious wittle one could have heart problems. Scotty clocks him on the head and reminds him that she is simply the surrogate and won't be passing along any of her sub-par genetic material. Also, Kevin? Your dad died of a heart attack at, like, 60, so shut it. Strangely Scotty and Michelle are offended by Kevin's look of horror. As Michelle heads off to "get her oven checked" (well, I guess it is self-cleaning), Scotty rounds on Kevin. Michelle is one of his closest friends and Kevin can stop being a dick to her -- especially as she is not the egg donor.

Kitty is wistfully staring at pictures of Kimma Griggs, Evan's birth mother, and adding handwritten notes in a baby book. Her scrapbooking is interrupted by a loud bang. She takes off her glasses and goes to investigate. She runs into Nora in the hallway and they both shriek like tweens (or TWoP editrix Angel Cohn) at a Twilight mall show (oh my god, TWILIGHT!) Nora thinks she heard a noise outside, while Kitty is convinced the sound came from inside the house. They scream again when the phone rings. It is the alarm company: something tripped off the silent alarm. Kitty wants to go get Evan, which is a nice maternal instinct that she promptly forgets when Nora realizes it must be Luc. It's not Luc. He finds them in the hallway and chivalrously heads towards the noise prompting a Three Stooges reenactment where Luc is obviously Moe (have you seen his hair?). I just wish he would smack Larry's and Curly's heads together so maybe they would shut up for a damn second. They spy someone in the kitchen. Luc throws a blanket over the intruder's head and wrestles him to the ground. Nora and Kitty do what they do best and run in circles shrieking. Suddenly the plaintive cry: "Mom!" emanates through the veil of blanket. It's Tommy. Kitty hugs him, Nora hugs him, Luc shakes his hand. No one asks whether he has gone deaf, because how could he not hear ALL THAT DAMN SHRIEKING? Seriously it was like they were getting bikini waxes in the next room. Also, Tommy, what, you couldn't call first?

Not knowing that the prodigal son has returned home Sarah is actually in her office doing actual work. As soon as the phone rings I'm sure she'll ditch work and start preparing the requisite fatted calf. Sarah is looking over Holly's proposal. You know how in middle school the really organized kids would put their ten-page research papers on the carbon cycle or the French-American War into binders so their paper on, like, the dietary requirements of the North American beaver would look professional? Well, Holly took her proposal to make cheap wine down to her local Kinko's and had it spiral bound and she sprung for the plastic cover. That must have cost, what, five bucks? That's like half her net worth, so she must really believe in the viability of cheap wine. Unfortunately, Sarah is not falling for the fancy cover and seems less than thrilled with what she is reading. Holly already bought a ton of surplus juice, so if they don't go with the plan to make Walker Landing's version of Thunderbird they have to sell the juice at a loss. Not to be naïve about our food supply, but exactly how long does this surplus juice sit around while these two make their decision? I mean I guess fermentation is the goal, but I just have a picture of like five thousand cartons of Welch's sitting on a palette in a warehouse somewhere. Sarah feels like Holly forced her hand. Holly swears that as co-president of the company she wants Ojai to succeed and cheap wine is the ONLY way. Further discussion is cut off when Sarah's phone rings. It's Cancer Girl, so she has to answer. Holly gets up to leave, because no one argues with Cancer Girl. Kitty tells Sarah about the intruder they had last night. Said intruder is calmly eating a bowl of cereal and blocking out the fact that both Kitty and Sarah aren't on the phone to every single member of the Walker family at once. It must be something he learned in his new age yoga cult. It truly is impressive that Tommy can tune out a Walker phone tree in full force. So Kitty calls Sarah while Nora calls Kevin who tells Scotty. Sarah then conferences in Justin who is sitting next to Rebecca and then Saul walks into Sarah's office. It's just a big old hootenanny minus the hooch (it's too early to wake cousin Johnny Walker). Everyone gabbles on about Tommy's return while Tommy just sits in his own personal eye of the storm blithely eating cereal and reading the paper. As the Walkers encroach on his peace, Tommy accepts the change (like a good new ager) and invites everyone over.

Sarah splits early from her first day back at Ojai to go see Tommy. Did she tell Holly it was an emergency? Or did she just march out, head held high, with an air about her that said "I am the boss. You cannot fire me. Even if I take three weeks of vacation, show up late, and leave early. I am still the boss." This is how I imagine Ivanka Trump behaves. Justin is also taking a break from his studies in order to see Tommy, and Kevin left whatever it is he does all day, too. Nora fetes Tommy's return with doughnuts. I guess if you don't have a fatted calf on hand you can try and make some of your own. The siblings are very convivial, teasing Sarah about Luc, teasing Tommy about his vegan yoga cult, laughing at Kevin's fear of lady parts, etc. The raucousness settles down when Julia and Elizabeth come up. Tommy explains that while they haven't been to visit him yet, he speaks to them on the phone all the time. No, really, all the time. Day and night, night and day. It's like that bluetooth is implanted in his head he talks to them so much. Gab gab gab, day and night, except in the dining hall, because we all remember what happens when people talk in the dining hall. That's right! No pudding. Elizabeth is in pre-school, so he can't talk to her while she's there, either. And Julia's at work a lot, so he doesn't talk then either, but you know, all the other times that Julia and Elizabeth are both available and not doing anything else and Tommy's not in the dining hall, then they are definitely talking. To each other. No really. Nora grouses that Julia won't return her phone calls and everyone tells her to shut it because she is still the annoying mother-in-law of the evil near deadbeat Tommy and Julia needs SPACE. Tommy gracefully changes the subject to Justin. Tommy is nothing but kind and supportive. Apparently he left his sense of humor in Mexico. Or has he been REPLACED BY A ZOMBIE!! The vacant stares, the even temper, the eerie calm - it all makes sense now. And I hear the zombie curse is pervasive in Mexico what with all the tombs of ticked off Aztecs and cursed conquistadors. Plus, this is the Halloween episode. Everyone stares at Zombie Tommy and starts moving slowly towards the door (especially Justin who is "late for his study group", which we all know is just his lame attempt at out-running Nora so that Zombie Tommy eats her brittle bones first.) Nora blocks all the escape routes and in a feeble attempt to delay the inevitable, she begs them all to come for a family dinner tonight. Zombie Tommy slowly agrees because: BRAINS BRAINS BRAINS.

Kitty plays with Evan while Nora threatens her with salad greens, but none of this matters in the least, because it is all a feeble attempt to pretend that Rob Lowe is in "Washington" when in reality he is on LIFETIME. Yes, network television salaries have been slashed so much in the last year (economy, bailouts, stimulus, blah blah blah) and Rob Lowe has to take a second job just to pay for the tanning beds and steam rooms in his Costa Mesa guesthouse. So, so sad. At least he just has to moonlight, not, you know, APPEAR ON MOONLIGHT, because that would be really, really sad. Nora is trying to plan the menu for tonight's family buffet. She's thinking pork roast, but Kitty reminds her that Tommy's new BRAINS BRAINS BRAINS diet probably forbids it. Nora and Kitty agree that Tommy seems well, but we all know that they are just in denial that they are going to be eaten by His Zombieness in a few short hours. Nora complains again about Julia ignoring her phone calls and Kitty suggests that Tommy can give her a nudge. Or a bite. Tommy interrupts their girl talk looking for something to eat (HIDE THE BABY! HIDE THE BABY!). He doesn't want to bug Julia with Nora's neediness, especially because he was totally just on the phone with her. But he can't call her back now, because she's busy. When Nora asks Tommy about his new dietary strictures, Tommy suggests that he cook. He makes a mean mole that will go fabulously with their deliciously salty cauliflower BRAINS.

Kitty escorts him to the grocery store so he doesn't eat any of the shoppers. He is mulling over peppers and cilantro when his zombie brain realizes that what with being cancer-addled, Kitty may not be a tasty morsel. He slyly asks her how she is doing. Kitty swears she is okay and that everyone has been great and even though Tommy wasn't there earlier, she is really glad that he is there now, making mole. She asks him what it is like to be back and Zombie Tommy thinks about it and announces that it is different now that he is a zombie and all, because now when he looks at his scrawny sister all he can think about is whether Kitty would taste like chicken. So, yeah, it feels different. Kitty gets it, because when she came back from New York, she felt different too. Zombie Tommy shakes his head, no, no. He's a zombie now. A ZOMBIE, not a displaced New Yorker. Kitty swears that it was disorienting for her, too. Everyone else was the same, but she was different. Sure, sure, not zombie different, but she can totally relate. She pats him on the arm, which falls off. She reattaches it and assures him that it will all seem normal to him soon.

Kevin apparently doesn't have to work when the cat is away (on Lifetime), so instead of going to the office, he heads to Scotty's restaurant to debrief about Tommy. He really thinks he is doing well (minus the whole zombie thing, of course). He hates to admit it, but before that strange plague hit, the Hippy Hacienda did wonders for Tommy. Michelle joins them at the restaurant to announce that for the first time in her life she has gotten straight A's on an exam. Her lady parts are in tip-top shape and now she just needs a randy sailor to knock her up. And by randy sailor I mean turkey baster (but it could get a little drunk first if it needs to loosen up.) And let's not forget the egg donor. She can get a little drunk, too. Kevin puts a restraining order on everyone's fun, pulling out an enormous contract for Michelle to sign before getting knocked up with his or Scotty's swimmer. Michelle is offended because she was downgraded from their friend Michelle to their "gestational character." Oh don't worry sweetie, legalese always adds ten pounds and fifteen consonants. Scotty is bewildered, too. He had no idea that Kevin was drawing up a contract. Does he remember who he is married to? Also, in this day and age isn't a contract kind of a prerequisite? By that I mean, DO THEY WATCH LIFETIME? Don't they know the horror stories that can arise when contracts are skipped in lieu of friendship and trust and unicorns and bunnies? The courts don't abide by unicorns and bunnies, only the cold hard letter of the law. Now, if you wrote the contract ON a unicorn or bunny I'm sure that would be acceptable. Michelle freaks out, chucks the contract at Scotty and makes like a tree and leaves. Scotty glares at Kevin, but Kevin won't acknowledge it. He is right about this. No, really, he is.

Tommy is cooking up a storm in the kitchen when Nora finds him. Since she is biologically incapable of leaving Julia alone, Nora called her again and got her on the phone. Turns out Tommy's been lying. He hasn't talked to Elizabeth for months and apparently Julia doesn't want Tommy in Elizabeth's life (would you want a wretched undead in your child's life?). He and Julia are headed for Divorce Court. I capitalized it because I am pretty sure they are contractually obligated to get divorced on daytime television. Nora is so hurt that Tommy would lie to her about this. (Not as hurt as she will be when Tommy eats her like shwarma.) Nora claims she wasn't snooping, but wanted to surprise Tommy by flying them down for the weekend and is shocked (shocked!) by Tommy's obfuscations. Tommy doesn't know what to say, so Nora keeps talking. She thinks he needs to have Kevin recommend a good family lawyer and he needs to fight for his daughter. Tommy glares at Nora and admits that, yes he lied and, yes, now Nora knows the truth, but she needs to butt out. He's a grown up. A zombie grown up, but still.

The Walker family dinner is still going on, because why delay dinner when you know you're going to get a show, right? I think that is printed on the Walker family crest. Justin gawks at Tommy in an apron and cooking mole, because that is totally women's work, but Tommy has no snappy comeback, just peace and love and an undying hunger for the flesh of the living. Justin is really confused by Zombie Tommy's lack of sparkling wit and decaying flesh. Rebecca joins them in the kitchen, kisses Tommy hello, and blames Tommy's new attitude on growing up. Upstairs, Sarah has locked Luc in a bedroom to spare him from the ensuing massacre, although she pretends it is for the kids. Actually, I have no idea why Luc hasn't been invited to dinner. I mean, really, locking him in a bedroom, Sarah? I'm glad I'm giving you the pretense of doing it for his own safety and protection from the unholy undead, because otherwise you'd pretty much look like a self-centered meanie. She promises to make it up to him later (if she survives or, to eat him if she doesn't) and mid-kiss, Paige walks in on them. Ooh mommy's busted! Sarah leaves Luc in the bedroom anyway.

The entire family is gathered around the table with Tommy seated on Nora's right and Sarah nervously eying Paige hoping she won't out her secret boyfriend to the flesh-hungry grave-riser. Saul is in a drinking mood and has brought an entire case of wine for the shindig. He does mention, however, that he has to go back to Ojai after the dinner. Nora is asked to make a toast to start off the festivities, but she is too upset about being shouted at to even fake it. So Kitty lifts a glass to Tommy and the Walker Family dinner party starts. Scotty starts things off in the traditional manner by jibing Kevin about the whole contract thing. Scotty used to be a sort of calming force during these dinner parties but the last two episodes he's been the instigator. Maybe Tommy will eat him first. Scotty tells the table that the surrogacy may have "fallen apart in litigation" and Kevin groans in annoyance and reminds everyone that Tommy made him sign a contract and they are brothers. It is just about being protective parent before the child is even conceived. Right, right? Tommy nods, in agreement, obviously wanting to avoid the whole subject of parenting and move onto the amuse bouche (read: BRAINS). Saul notices that Nora is being almost silent and asks if she is okay. She plays passive aggressive martyr and claims she just doesn't want to butt in where she doesn't belong. That cracks everybody up. They all laugh uproariously. Kevin covers his face with a napkin, Rebecca puts her head down and pounds the table with her fist, Kitty sprays crumbs all over Tommy, while Paige and Cooper slap each other on the back while the tears roll down. When the laughter finally settles, Sarah asks what the heck Nora is talking about. Nora passive aggressively says she's staying out of it and Tommy can clean up his own damn mess. All eyes turn to Tommy who is eating his own hand. He tears it off, swallows, and announces that he and Julia are getting divorced. Everyone mumbles apologetically, but Nora doesn't think he's said enough. She tells him to spill the rest of it. Tommy is chewing his stump now and gestures for Nora to go right ahead. She giddily announces to the table (and her grand kids) that Tommy hasn't seen or spoken to Elizabeth in months and Julia doesn't want him in Elizabeth's life. Sarah asks Rebecca and Scotty to take the kids into the other room. And I'm a little surprised that Nora is so hellbent on outing Tommy's marital woes that she doesn't even care about her grandchildren. Like her point about good parenting and parental involvement is sort of lessened by her inability to censor herself in front of her grandchildren. Like she only cares about her grandchildren when it is convenient. Once the kids' ears are safely protected from the specter of bad parenting, the Walkers pounce. They demand to know if it is true and Tommy admits that it is. Everyone jumps on the 'I Hate Julia' bandwagon, snapping up t-shirts, passing out the commemorative mugs, etc., but Tommy stops them. He thinks Julia is right. He screwed up, he lost the house, he fled the country. She needs to do what is right for her and he supports that. Nora won't hear of it (even thought it actually sounds kind of reasonable when he puts it like that), Elizabeth is HER granddaughter and she is going to FIGHT for her. Like, nice way to make it all about YOU, Nora. Tommy glares at her, drooling just a bit. And then he lets her have it. He opens the floodgates and lets loose with years of pent up aggravation and frustration. He knows he can never live up to her standards and can never meet her expectations and he has given up trying. This family never changes. He is suffocating. He can't wait to get the hell out of there and get somewhere he can breathe again. And eat BRAINS in peace.

Later, Nora paces around the room, doubting her decision to be a passive aggressive jackass, not to mention a really lousy hostess. I hope Tommy has learned the valuable lesson that whenever someone messes up Nora's kitchen they end up in a whole heap of trouble. Kitty finds her pacing and lamely asks if she is okay. Nora is not okay, one of her precious children hates her and is starting to really resemble a wretched accursed. When did he get like that? She would have suspected if it was Kitty -- she's so skinny people think she's half dead already. But Tommy? Used to be so easy. He had a paper route! She could always count on him to do ... she falters and Kitty asks, "What? Do what?" And Nora laughs ruefully that she could always count on him to do the right thing, which I guess is laughable now since he embezzled millions from Ojai, lied to everyone, and then fled the country and is now abandoning his daughter and is planning on eating the flesh of the innocents. Nora sighs and sits down. It's her fault. She needed Tommy to be perfect, so he was. She had four other kids to look out for and Tommy liked William a lot and, well, Tommy sure followed in his father's footsteps. Nora admits that she gave Tommy to William the same way that he is now giving Elizabeth away. Kitty is sure they will work this out. I'm sure you are right, Kitty, it will all be worked out when Tommy EATS HER BRAIN and sees a therapist.

Someone is filing in the dark, which is not nearly as kinky as it sounds. It is Ryan Lafferty. Yes, he is still on this show. Hopefully he will be dead by dawn, though. And it may not be Tommy who does the killing. Saul has made good on his word and has gone back to Ojai. He bursts in on Ryan shrieking like a burglar alarm and talking a mile a minute. He demands to know what Ryan is doing in Holly's office. Does he have any idea what a breach of trust it is for him to be there? To his credit, Ryan doesn't simply claim to be following in his daddy's footsteps, but instead flat out lies, which is almost admirable. He claims Holly has been having a lot of off-the-books meetings and he heard her say not to tell Saul or Sarah about them. He is just trying to find out what they are, in her files, late at night. He just wants to help, he swears! Saul shakes his head in a mixture of relief and disbelief. He scolds Ryan for his stupidity and for breaching the trust that has been placed in him. The next time something like this happens, he needs to come to talk to Saul. Does he get fired? Oh heck no! Saul grabs him around the neck and rumples his hair.

Sarah goes to talk to Paige about The Kiss. Paige barely looks up from her Trapper Keeper but asks if Luc is her boyfriend. Sarah coyly explains that he is her friend, and a boy, but doesn't delve into the intricate 'is he' or 'isn't he' stuff that makes up so many articles in Teen Vogue. Paige shrugs, she really doesn't care. She just thought it was pretty freaking strange that a random French guy was staying at her grandma's house, and this explanation is actually kind of reassuring. Sarah smiles as Paige asks if Luc can stay at their house (in the guest room, natch) because really the whole grandma-hot Frenchman thing was WAY creepier than finding her mom frenching a Frenchman. Sarah smiles at Paige and is happy to have Luc move into the guest room.

At their house, Scotty asks Kevin if he is doing okay. They are both pretty bummed by the Ghost of Marriage Future, where ten years in, Julia is forbidding Tommy from seeing Elizabeth in the midst of a divorce proceeding. Scotty apologizes to Kevin for jumping on him about the contract, especially since the law barely recognizes them as a family as it is. He knows that Kevin is just trying to protect them. Kevin apologizes too, because he should have told Scotty about the contract earlier. They agree to go to the agency and find a new surrogate. Scotty is disappointed, because he thought Michelle was a great option, but he just wants to move forward. They comfort each other on the couch (get your minds out of the gutter, they are married!) and stare off into the distance.

While some of us think that Tommy has left Walker Manor in pursuit of fresh BRAINS, he is actually just in the backyard, which is where Kitty finds him. She settles next to him on the bench where he is swilling beer (which pairs perfectly with the saltiness of human pork rinds). Remember that scene at the hospital when Elizabeth is really sick and the doctors have to get a liver donation from whoever is the biological father and Tommy gets super depressed and Kitty goes to find him and tells him that she can't have kids? It looks like they are setting up the same scene, except this time it is night, Kitty has cancer and Tommy is the wretched undead. But, hey, you know what totally cures being a zombie? GUILT. And not just a little bit of guilt, but a whole heaping beat-you-about-the-head cross-country guilt trip. You know who to call when you need an elephant gun loaded with guilt? CANCER GIRL! She pulls out her scrapbook of sorrowful images and places it on the table between them. Tommy falls for the trap. He asks what the book is. SUCKER. Kitty reels him in by explaining that it is a life book (choose life, Tommy!) that she has been making for Evan. She started the book before she knew she had cancer and it was all about where Evan came from him. His roots. But now that Kitty is facing her own mortality (Tommy is drooling quite a bit while he looks at her), she is making the book about Evan's future. She is trying to think of every situation and write down every last piece of advice she has, so that she will always be there for Evan. Even after she is gone, she will be there for him whatever way she can. Get it, Tommy? GET IT. HUH HUH DO YOU GET IT? He gets it. He lets out a guttural moan and the zombie curse is lifted. He sighs that Julia will never take him back, and Kitty agrees, but thinks Tommy should be there for Elizabeth anyway. Evan calls to his mama through the baby monitor. Kitty hugs Tommy who is fully cured now and doesn't really try to bite her or anything.

Sigh. Dennis York is sitting across from Ryan Lafferty in a crowded café going through Holly's personal financial records, which she helpfully kept in an unlocked file in her office just for this exact purpose. Dennis chortles to himself and Ryan is acting pretty hostile for an aider and abetter. He doesn't get why Dennis York needed Holly's financial records and I don't get why Ryan is being seen in public with this guy, where they met (I'm still going for Craig's List "Casual Encounters"), or whether or not he is getting paid for his crimes. Dennis explains about how Holly got Madoff'd and is flat broke. Ryan rolls his eyes. He wants to bring down darkness and revenge, turmoil, locust, blood tides, and murrain (whatever the heck that is) down on the legacy of William Walker, not just watch Dennis seize a business opportunity. Dennis lays it out: If Holly is flat broke, she might be open to selling her shares. If Ryan wants to give up on his life of crime and go back to Berkeley and forget about this whole thing, fine. (Yes, please!) Ryan sighs and clenches his fist towards the sky and vows to bring down the thunder on William Walker's corporate legacy.

Speaking of the corporate legacy, Saul thinks Sarah is going to bring down the company by agreeing to bottle Holly's swill. Sarah points out that Saul is not exactly offering up alternatives that will get cash flowing into the company quickly. She thinks they should agree to the plan, but just watch it closely. Saul bleats that he doesn't think they can trust Holly, but Sarah points out that they can never trust Holly. SHE'S HOLLY and they aren't related by marriage, yet. Holly knocks on the door, ears aflame. Sarah gives her the green light while Saul gives her the evil eye. Sarah explains that she and Saul will be overseeing the project and if it starts going south or goes over costs they will pull the plug. To her credit, Holly doesn't get huffy at the oversight, but smiles sort of begrudgingly and agrees to the terms.

Kevin goes to talk to Michelle, who runs screaming at the sight of him out of fear that he is suing her for breach of verbal contract. I see she does know the nature of the legal beast after all. Michelle gets that Kevin doesn't like her and thinks she's a flake; she hears his smart-ass comments. Kevin grimaces but swears that he does like her and really, really wants her to carry and birth his baby. She arches an eyebrow, but lets him explain his reasoning about the contract. He starts by explaining about Tommy and Julia and how they are getting a divorce because Tommy went on a crime spree and now he can't see his daughter. And in this surrogacy process, Kevin has so little control over anything that he needs her signature on a dotted line because that is the only thing he can control. And the thought of losing his child is too much to handle and this is something he can do to prevent it. He chokes up a little as he talks and Michelle totally falls for it. SUCKER! At least she gets Kevin to agree to pay for a lawyer to represent her and talk her through the contract. They will make it work. Michelle gives him a big hug. THIS SURROGACY IS ON, MOFOs!

Now that the threat of being eaten by Zombie Tommy has passed, Sarah has unlocked the bedroom door and Luc is ensconced on her couch. They are sipping wine and toasting to the passage of the wretched curse. Sarah blames Paige for forcing Luc to stay in the spare bedroom and Luc promises to try not to hold it against her. (I hope he tries hard not to hold anything against her. She's twelve! Gross!) Sarah sighs and when Luc looks at her questioningly she explains that now that he is living there with her and her children, the fantasy is over. It wasn't over when you stashed him at your mom's house? Cause that would do it for a lot of guys. They smooch and snuggle and talk about their future and happiness. They both deserve it. Maybe they should hold off making out on the couch until the kids get more used to the idea.

Holly walks into a bar (I would have ducked, myself). She is meeting Dennis York. He cuts right to the chase: He wants to buy her shares of Ojai stock. He will even double what it is worth. That will give her enough to retire and buy Rebecca a white pony to ride down the aisle. Holly smiles at the generous offer, but demurs. She has to pass. Dennis York doesn't get it. He may not know Holly, but he knows the Walkers and he knows anyone in their right mind would want to get as far away as possible. Does Dennis York really thinking being a pigheaded embezzling dickhead is actually genetic? Why does he care about the Walkers at all now that William is dead? Oh whatever. I am proud of Holly for walking away and I think Sarah saved her own skin by greenlighting the wine project. Dennis York doesn't take no easily and demands to know why Holly is working at William's company so many years after his death? She ignores the pointed question and states that her answer is still no.

Tommy is packing to leave. He apologizes to Kitty for leaving so soon, but Kitty is okay with it because of what he has planned. He looks at her sternly and tells her she will get through this. She smiles that it should go from his mouth to god's ears. Nora comes in and quietly goes to get coffee. Kitty points out that Tommy is leaving and Nora nods sadly, still not saying anything. Kitty and Tommy hug and Kitty leaves Tommy to deal with Nora. Nora wants to prove to Tommy that she can be there for him. She can fight by his side. Tommy begs her not to make her go through this right now, he's tired. Nora begs him for a chance to get to know him. Tommy is not going to Mexico, he is going to Seattle. He is going to stalk Elizabeth until she acknowledges him and recognizes that he is working on his mistakes. Nora is working on her mistakes, too. They promise to see each other when they see each other. Which is a weirdly unsatisfying conclusion.

Dwight doesn't succeed in getting Pam to take a bagel, even with some sexist insight about how women are expected to refuse food on first offer. She THs that she has an early lunch -- specifically, a birthday lunch for her mom that Michael has planned. "No way out," she says breezily. And then again, less breezily.

Ryan is showing Erin a portfolio of photos. It starts with some basic, B&W photography-class crap to fish her in so he can ask her about participating in his "exposure in the workplace" series, an example of which is Kelly at her desk wearing nothing but a string of pearls and some blurry pixels. That is so fucking creepy. Can you imagine if Toby got wind of this? He would get so sad. Fortunately, right then is when Pam's mom rolls in, so Ryan has to slap it shut (unfortunately, no one slaps Ryan). Pam gets up and hugs her, giving Michael the chance to come out creepily and hug them both. You don't often see him move that fast.

Michael THs about how the birthday lunch will help Pam get over all her reservations. Less helpful on that score? Angela, who asks Pam, "Aren't you going to introduce us to Michael's girlfriend?" Pam's mom shows off the necklace Michael gave her, in her sleep that morning. "The rest of the story is censored due to inappropriosity," Michael says. "Because of sex?" Kevin duhs. Pam is horrified, and even Michael fires him. Jim gives Kevin an encouraging little head-shake before joining his wife, his mother-in-law, and his co-boss at the exit, but before they leave, Pam gets an urgent call from a client and says she can't make lunch. "Right as we were about to leave, too," Jim notes skeptically. "Isn't that always how it goes?" Pam says unconvincingly. "Rarely, if ever," Jim says, and takes over the "Really? That's great! Turns out the paper was there all along," he says, hanging up. Creed acts deeply relieved, but THs, "Something's up. That paper was never supposed to arrive."

In the car on the way to lunch, the "adults" are in the front seat with Michael driving and Jim and Pam in the back. Pam's mom, whose name is Helene, starts trying to coach Pam on her sales. So Pam's grateful when Michael says they shouldn't be talking about business. But that passes in a big hurry when he adds, "Today's about family." At the restaurant, Pam THs about her regret at getting into the car. "I could have struggled."

Andy comes into the kitchen and finds Dwight cleaning out the freezer as a favor to everyone, and says that in return for the bagels, he polished Dwight's briefcase for him. Andy boasts in a TH how strict he is with himself about returning favors and invitations. "Do not test my politeness," he warns. So Dwight is forced to follow Andy out into the bullpen, desperately trying to one-up him with favors, which Andy returns as fast as Dwight can come up with them. "This will only up my game," Dwight vowing-heads.

Michael has taken the "Scott Family" to one of Pam's favorite Italian restaurants from her childhood. She especially loves the chicken parm. "Maybe Michael will start dating that, too," she THs. Don't give him ideas. Michael leads them over to a table he's had covered with birthday decorations, which Pam actually kind of digs. And the digs continue, as Pam points out that this is her mom's ninth 49th birthday in a row. Her mom comes back with some math about Pam's six-month pregnancy and thirty-day marriage. "Burn. Burn on you," Jim says, trying to keep it light. Considering how often that falls to him lately, he should just wheel a helium tank around with him at all times. Meanwhile, Michael, who was already kind of bothered for some reason when he said the restaurant made him want to go to Italy and Helene said she was done with long plane rides, has done some math on his napkin and concluded that his girlfriend is 54. She corrects him to 59. Michael acts cool about it, but he's secretly a bit freaked. "I am not robbing the cradle," he claims in a TH. "If anything, I am robbing the grave." The discussion of whether she wants Pam and Jim's baby to call her "grandma" or "nana" doesn't seem to help matters.

After the ads, Michael's weirdness about Helene's age is starting to manifest itself in quizzing her about whether she'd ever do a triathlon, bungee-jumping, or snowboarding. Those are all a no, but at least she answers gamely, while Jim and Pam watch from across the table, knowing this is going somewhere but afraid to wonder where. "Do I want to go snowboarding?" Michael THs. "No, bit I'd like to if I wanted to."

In the conference room, Andy unveils a taco buffet for everyone. Dwight can't let that stand, so he insists on making everyone's tacos. I just noticed that the welcoming sign that Andy wrote on the flipchart reads, "Bienveneato!" which is so Andy it should get an Emmy.

Michael's second birthday gift to Helene is a scrapbook of their earliest memories together, and he's clearly regretting it even before she opens it. Pam's touched by his thoughtfulness, even as Michael tries to talk it down. "I think it sucks," he says after she reads the total non sequitur poem he stole from Shel Silverstein. She thinks it's wonderful, and Michael says, "That's because you and I have very different tastes and you like lame things. It's a generational sort of gap between us." She's still not catching the snap, and Pam tells him, "Home run, Michael." That's not something she gets to say every day. "That was a bunt," Michael claims. We can see the iceberg off the bow, but we can't seem to steer away from it.

Dwight is feverishly cleaning up after the taco buffet, even locking Andy out of the conference room when he tries to help. "Don't worry about it!" he shouts through the door. "You can just owe me!"

Pam comes and finds Michael at the restaurant bar and herds him back to the table for cake. He THs that he used to think he would grow old with Holly. "And then I met Helene, and she is great, and she already knows and has done everything that I have ever wanted to do, and can tell me about it. But I think I want to do those things myself." Well, then, the only proper thing to do is to break up immediately, in front of her daughter and son-in-law, at her birthday lunch. Because we all know Michael can't have his girlfriend holding him back from doing things he was never going to do anyway for one more minute.

Back at the table, everyone's enjoying the cake except Michael, who tells Helene to enjoy it before he tells her something terrible. Well, she's sure to love it now. And then he makes her wait through the commercials before breaking up with her. "I have to consider Pam's feelings, as a friend and a coworker." She says it's okay: "You obviously make my mom very happy, and that makes me happy." Michael tries to act grateful, but insists on pushing on. He says she needs someone who understands her references. "Who is Kafkaesque? I've never -- I don't know him." Michael, you practically invented him. Then he makes up "another woman" named Italy. "And skydiving, and bungee jumping." Jim tries, "Okay, so..." but Michael rambles on that he wants kids, "And you unfortunately have already completed your journey down there." There's an awkward silence while the server refills their water glasses.

That's nothing compared to the awkwardness of the ride back to the office, with the women in the back this time around. Helene asks, "I'm 58. What am I supposed to do now?" "Well, hobbies..." Michael begins. "Stop," Jim says.

Dwight comes upon Andy in the stock room trying to reach something on a high shelf, and when he offers to help, he discovers a Starbucks gift card, for everyone. "Surpriiiise!" Andy sings happily. Dwight frustratedly THs about his wasted day. "I could have grown poison mushrooms that'd be THIS HIGH BY NOW!" he bitches, holding his hand thisfar above the carpet.

Michael calls Pam into is office, claiming it's a work-related matter when she resists. He says he's going to give her a raise for her good work. "I have the lowest sales record if anyone here," she protests. He says it's about attitude. "I have the worst attitude of any person here," she protests in exactly the same tone. But she'll take the raise, which is when Michael says there are strings attached, "From my heart to your mean attitude." He's not getting anywhere, even in his attempts to read her stony face, and he finally gives up and asks what she wants. "Do you want a million dollars? Do you want to hit me? Do want me to get down on one knee and beg you?" Pam goes with door number two. Michael doesn't think she's serious, and she asks if he's kidding. He stutters, "Y-no." he offers to tense his stomach so she can do it right there, but she wants to wait until after work so they can do it in the parking lot, in front of everyone. "I'm going to hit you as hard as I can." Michael agrees, and Pam leaves happy. Does she still get the raise?

Ryan and Kelly come in and ask if he's scared. They seemed to be fooled by his downplaying of it, even if we aren't. "I'm getting concerned that you don't seem to understand what's going to happen," Ryan says, which is probably the most empathetic thing he's ever said in his entire life. Michael's brave front falters, but he says he's good.

But then he goes into Jim's office and asks, "Do you and Pam ever get frisky?" "Inappropriate," Jim answers easily, not even thrown by these questions any more. But he admits that they do wrestle sometimes, and when Michael asks if she's strong, he simply says, "She wants it bad, Michael." Michael asks if Jim can stop it. Jim says he can. "And I don't support her choice to hit you. But at the same time, she goes crazy!" Jim says he'll make a decision in a week or two.

Toby approaches Pam's desk to talk about what he calls "the hit." His position? It's fine if they're off company property. "And the power comes from the back foot," he adds, giving her some pointers while Michael watches from his office.

Everyone's waiting outside at the end of the day, but Michael's a no-show. Kevin's money's on Pam, and when Oscar points out it's not a fight, he plaintively says, "Why can't you just agree with me sometimes?" In the stairwell, Michael claims he's not scared to get hit, after all, people pay dominatrix's to hit them everyday. "I'm scared I'm gonna love it! Let's do this!"

Michael finally steps into the ring of employees with Pam. She raises her fist, and he flinches and throws his hands up. Twice. Angela tells him to put his hands in his pockets, and when Pam's fist goes up again, he stops her and says he's sorry. "What are you sorry for?" she asks, in that tone that indicates there is a right answer and a wrong answer, and God help you if you give the wrong one. Michael gives a vague answer, so she helps him out. "How about for dating my mom? And dumping her on her birthday?" Michael agrees, and Pam just shakes her finger in his face, telling him to never date a member of her family again. But when she turns away, Michael quickly says, "For the record, your mom came on to me." Pam swings back around, and this time her fist connects. "Holy crap!" Phyllis says. Pam asks if he's okay. "No!" he sobs childishly. "You're okay," she says, and walks off with Jim. "Feel better?" he asks her. "No, you were right," she says. Dwight walks Michael back into the office "Let's get some raw meat on that face." I think Pam took care of that already. Can you imagine her doing that in Season One? Or even Four? Or a month ago?

Michael THs that he saw his whole life flashing before his eyes. "And guess what? I have four kids and I have a hover car and a hover house, and my wife is a runner, and it shows, and Pam and Jim are my best friends, and our kids play together, and I am happy, and I am rich, and I never die. Doesn't sound like much, but it's enough for me."

In the tag, Dwight is holding a frozen chicken to Michael's face. "I owe you one, Dwight," Michael says. Dwight looks at us, realizing this is his chance, and says, "Fire Jim." Michael refuses. Dwight gets pissed off and storms out. "This is my dinner on your face. I'm keeping it." Michael feels better anyway. So everyone wins but Dwight. Which is as it should be.

M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter , or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.

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Joanna is at the hospital trying to move some Jell-O telekinetically. You might as well start slow. Plus, hospitals have a lot of Jell-O available, so it's a sensible thing to practice on. You wouldn't want to start out by trying to move unicorns with your mind, for example. While Joanna is frowning at the Jell-O and the mystical music is making a sound like an engine failing to turn over, Kat enters and thinks she's crazy. Kat's skepticism is, in my opinion, thoroughly unwarranted. Memo to Kat: remember that time the swimming pool you and Ray were making out in suddenly froze solid? Yeah, so do I. So maybe you should lay off on the accusations of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Especially Joanna and Roxie have both made claims of SAP ("Super Awesome Power", as Joanna explains) even before Joanna's ordeal.

As Kat tries and fails to convince Joanna that she's just loopy from the stress of being nailed inside a burning coffin, they bump into a sheet-covered dead body being wheeled down the hospital aisle. The body, of course, turns out to be Chad.

Hey! Cybill Shepherd! Whose name on this show is "Eleanor", in case you forgot like I did. She's enjoying herself by cooking up some breakfast (I think) when a commercial for the Van Horne Brewery comes on her television. When Darryl (of course he does his own commercials) gets to the part about "Taste the magic," she freaks out and runs out of her house. Then she runs all the way through a pleasant foresty area onto the road, where she faints in front of a truck, which swerves to just barely miss her. That's not the most healthy reaction. Maybe she should turn off the television while cooking.

Roxie paces in her bedroom, trying to contact Chad on his cellphone. No answer, of course. Kat and Joanna come in and Roxie immediately knows that Chad is dead. She is not happy that it was her statue (of Darryl) that fell on him and seems kind of distracted and disconnected. She says that she has a lot to do: pick up her dry cleaning (so she can be dressed as she was in her vision), write a eulogy, bake a pie. Then she remembers she's supposed to "follow the signs" and starts crying because she doesn't know what the signs are.

Out on the street, the big statue gets picked up by a forklift. Darryl considers moving the statue to his garden. This scene was just here for people who were going to spend the rest of the season wondering what happened to the statue.

Kat's house is full of screaming, rambunctious children. One of them (a girl) has a grievous cut on her forearm because her brother Raymond Jr. tripped her. His excuse is that he wasn't allowed to bite her. Kat cleans her child's cut, and the spoooooky music on the soundtrack clues us in that Kat's healing hands (which Darryl told her about back in the pilot, I believe) will be fixing things magically. And it does! Gosh! Let's see you rationalize that one away, lady. Her daughter is thrilled by this development, incidentally. Kat looks at her hands suspiciously.

Joanna stops by the Gazette offices and is met by Penny, who has heard about Chad. Strangely, Joanna claims that she "spent the night at Roxie's", which I'm pretty sure isn't true. Penny thinks Joanna should be at home recovering from the kidnapping, but Joanna wants to go have a picnic in the break room and talk about telekinesis. Penny tries to make up stories about why they can't go to the break room, but Joanna sees through her fabrications, saying, "Every time you lie you touch your nose!" I think it's a bad idea to tell your friends what they do when they lie. It's just poor tactics. It turns out that Joanna's desk is now occupied by her replacement. Replacement! Joanna is outraged and confronts the poor guy, because she has no concept of professional behavior. His name is Max Brody, and he'd like to talk to Joanna about what it was like to be locked in a Death Box.

Joanna does not want to talk to Max, and also thinks "Death Box" is a bad name, since she's not even dead. Max tries to curry favor by offering to get her a new job at the Washington Post, where he worked for three years. And now he's working here. At the Eastwick Gazette. No one seems to mind this weirdness, and we also learn that he knows people at the Baltimore Sun and the New Orleans Times-Picayune. If I'd ever gotten around to watching Season 5 of The Wire, I'd probably have a clever Baltimore Sun joke, but as it is, I shall just point out that the Times don't get much more Picayune than they are in Eastwick. Joanna teases him about having trouble "keeping down a job", and he corrects her to "holding down a job." Joanna and Penny swoop out to have a picnic outside.

Roxie is rummaging through Chad's drawer of stuff, looking for "signs." Mia is worried about her and recommends a therapist, but Roxie says that what she needs instead is a ""puzzlist." I know some of them. Real old-school cruciverbalists, you know what I'm saying? I know professional puzzlists. Uh, never mind. Other things of interest in this scene: Roxie blames herself for Chad's death, and for her husband's death back before the show started. Because she's cursed. Also, Chad's mother says that Roxie can't come to the funeral. Anyway, Roxie eventually finds a hammer that says, "Return to Darryl Van Horne". So off she goes!

Cybill Shepherd -- er, I mean, "Eleanor" -- is in the hospital being cranky and awesome. She tells a nurse to get her a flu mask because hospitals are "petri dishes of pestilence". Then she spots Kat and orders her to come over and heal her scrapes so she can go home. She's got a dog metaphor, and she's also got very little patience for Kat's protestations of non-power-having. She sees right through Kat (metaphorically, I think) and clearly knows all about Kat's powers, although she's only interested in them because they'd be helpful for fixing the scrapes. I like how pragmatic and matter-of-fact Eleanor is about all this. Then when Kat picks up her chart (to discover that Bun is her emergency contact), Eleanor vanishes. Whoosh! Just like Batman!

Joanna and Penny set up a picnic out in the town square. Joanna tries to telekinetically move the salt shaker, but Penny gets impatient after about ten seconds and grabs the shaker. See, I'm fine with Penny being skeptical about the magical powers, because she hasn't, y'know, repeatedly demonstrated any herself. She's in the perfect situation to be the skeptic. I'd much rather watch Sara Rue being skeptical at Cybill Shepherd than the main witches bumbling around. Penny wants to talk about things like Joanna's crush on Will and her need for a new job, but Joanna wants to try to be telekinetic. She doesn't do very well. Oh! And I should mention that there's a lot of talk about Keanu Reeves and The Matrix in this scene.

Roxie returns the hammer to Darryl, who is faintly sympathetic about Chad's death. Roxie complains that she followed a sign, "and all I have so far is a hammer." Well, have you tried hammering in the morning? How about the evening? She wants another sign, and Darryl recommends going to the funeral. Roxie insists that she can't, because she's been disinvited. And then she complains about being cursed. Darryl delivers a speech about how great it is to be cursed while he strolls across the burning coals. He walks a lot slower than you're actually supposed to. He recommends that she embrace her curse, which is that she's extraordinary. I think she's thinking about the deaths, actually. Darryl works in references to menstruation and the story of Adam and Eve. Then he stands in a pot of water to cool his feet off and points out that Roxie actually had a prophetic vision of herself at the funeral, so she might as well go in spite of the disinvitation. Roxie objects, saying that in her vision, it was raining. Yes, it starts raining. She's convinced. Well, she's convinced that she should go to the funeral. I don't think she entirely buys Darryl's argument that she should embrace the idea that people who get close to her meet untimely ends.

Everyone stares as Roxie and Mia walk up to the gravesite in the rain. They're all jerks, if you ask me.

Kat and Bun are outside Eleanor's place. There's a lot of lush vegetation around the place. Kat's plan is twofold: first, since Eleanor is Bun's emergency contact, she presumably knows something about Bun's past, which could help with the amnesia. Second, Kat wants to talk to Eleanor and figures Bun is her way in. When Eleanor answers the door, she is not pleased to see Bun. "I don't have any friends. Especially not her. I haven't seen her for twenty years." Finally, Eleanor lets them in, warning Bun that after she gets her memory back, she'll have to do something for her.

Joanna is sitting in a bar, trying to telekinetically move a glass of beer. Max shows up and talks very, very quickly at her. He still wants some information about the Death Box. He harasses her a bit and then asks leading questions about how she should try to summon up the same emotions as last time. He also makes a lot of Groundhog Day references, which isn't a particularly current reference when you think about it.

After the funeral, people mingle. Roxie tells Chad's mother she's sorry. Chad's mother and (I guess) father are jerks, and then Roxie gets the bum's rush by the father. She shoves him off, which I think she has a perfect right to do, and he falls into an open grave. But he's fine, so I guess it's just one of those wacky open-grave things you get. There's a pretty funny "YOU HORRIBLE WOMAN!" like, though, which totally justifies the scene for me. Just then! Roxie spots a young woman wearing the same T-shirt Chad had on in her vision. I think it's weird that someone would show up to a funeral wearing a white T-shirt with a peace sign made out of guitar picks on it. And people had the nerve to glare at Roxie, who was wearing a perfectly respectable black dress.

As Eleanor prepares some tea for Bun, Kat looks around her house and notices that she has a very lush garden. And five children, just like Kat. Eleanor is unsurprised by this information, and also "guesses" that strange weather patterns follow Kat around. "What part of 'we're the same' are you not getting?" she asks. So Eleanor has the same powers as Kat, except that A) she accepts them, and B) she is awesome. Kat wants to know what's going on, but Eleanor redirects the topic of conversation to Bun. Kat describes what happened (red ant attack!), and Eleanor says "Red ants, huh? He is one tricky bastard." Kat wants to know who she means, and Eleanor is unhelpful.

Roxie goes up to the woman with the T-shirt, who tells her, "I've been seeing Chad for almost six months." This leads to a misunderstanding where Roxie thinks it means that Chad's been cheating on her, but this is really just Chad's guitar teacher. That's not a very good misunderstanding, because "I've been seeing Chad for almost six months" means "Chad has been cheating on you with me." They left out the perfectly innocent interpretation part, if you ask me. A normal person would introduce herself with "I'm Chad's guitar teacher!" Especially if you she knew that Chad hadn't told Roxie about it. Anyway, when that's cleared up, it transpires that Chad had been writing a song for Roxie. And here it is, in handy compact disc format! "It's like he sent you a message from beyond the grave. Freaky, huh?"

Welcome to Eastwick Funland! I guess it's another festival. This town loves to party. Max follows Joanna around, bugging her. She wants to ride the Ferris Wheel because she's afraid of heights. So is Max, apparently. He's also afraid of spiders. The Ferris Wheel is closing down when they get there, but Joanna uses the Hypno-eyes on the operator to make him let her on. Wow. Normally you'd have to give him five bucks. Max agrees to go up in the Ferris Wheel with Joanna, because she promises to answer some of his questions. Just before they go up, Joanna Hypno-asks the carny to not lock the metal bar in place. And up they go! Max asks Joanna where she was born. Turns out she was born in Philadelphia and her family moved to Boston when she was ten. Max went to Harvard. He's freaked out by being so high up.

Just then! The metal bar that's supposed to keep Joanna and Max safe swings wide open! Joanna stares at the bar, and it starts to close. Max grabs it after it's moved about six inches and shouts at the carny to get him down. Joanna is distressed that she didn't get to complete her telekinesis experiment, but I think it was a success. Although I guess it only works when she's terrified.

Back at home, Roxie looks at the CD and cries. The song is called "I Shall Be Released," apparently. She finally puts it in a CD player.

Joanna and Max return to ground level and Max throws a huge fit about the bar opening up. He accuses her of having a death wish and trapping him in with her. He really does talk very quickly. He's got a point, but I don't think that Ferris wheel is exactly a suicide mission. He tells her that, "a person does not go through what you went through and come out of it psychologically unscathed." She says that she's just trying to accentuate the positive. Almost all of her experience was horrible, so she wants to concentrate on the tiny part that was amazing. He strongly recommends critical thought and goes off to bed.

Eleanor hands Bun a jam jar and tells her to chug it down. Kat asks a lot of questions about cones of power and Eleanor ignores her. Once the brew makes Bun numb from the waist up, Eleanor stabs a couple of knitting needles in her spine and chants mysterious words. Kat freaks out and starts to call the police (because she's already forgotten that she purposely came here to Crazy Magic Lady for help), but she stops when red ants start flowing out of Bun. Kat and Eleanor stomp on the ants. And Bun remembers everything! Including, apparently, that she dislikes Eleanor. Kat says, urgently, that they have to leave. That's just stupid. You're never going to get any answers like that. And Kat runs out the door on her own. Sheesh. I much prefer Bun and Eleanor, who resolve that they'll just have to kill Darryl "again". Yeah! See? People with cool powers, resolving to use them. Much more fun. More of Bun and Eleanor, please. And whatever happened to Martin Mull?

Joanna knocks on Penny's door. Penny answers, wearing a green mud-mask thing. Joanna admits that she's not Neo, and she might be mildly crazy. She's unemployed, almost died, and feels completely alone. Penny assures her that she's there for her. Hugs!

Roxie finds Darryl, who claims to be in the middle of a Tantric Yoga session. But all his clothes are on, so I'm doubtful. Roxie tells him that her message from Chad was that she needs to release herself. Leering from Darryl. She goes on to explain that she needs to stop blaming herself for all the deaths. Darryl recommends that she give herself a new toy to play with to distract herself from the guilt. Specifically, Darryl thinks maybe she should be having sex with him. He adds that, "Maybe the hammer wasn't just a hammer." I also haven't seen Dr. Horrible, so quoting it here would be against my principles. Still, if you've seen it, feel free. You know the line I mean. Finally, Roxie goes off to be by herself.

Kat is building a big fort with her kids. Raymond Jr. falls down and yells "Ow! Crap!" Kat mildly scolds him for the language, although she admits that she also needs to stop using it. He's got a cut on his knee that she considers trying to fix with magic ... but then she uses a bandage instead. Then she sees a red ant on the table and she squashes it.

Roxie is alone in her bedroom listening to Chad's song. It does, in fact, sound like it was recorded by someone who's taken six weeks of guitar lessons. She cleans out Chad's drawer and puts his stuff in a box. Then she empties out her husband's drawer -- her husband's name was Danny, by the way -- and cries a bit. But by the end, she's smiling in fond remembrance of him. The drawers are empty and Roxie is, I guess, ready to get on with her life.

You can email Monty at montykins@gmail.com if that's your idea of a good time.