Julia and Tom are still rewriting, 15 minutes before the next preview is supposed to start. They finish the last few lyrics and dash through the crowded lobby to get the pages to Marilyn. But who is Marilyn? She's walking to the stage from her dressing room and we see everyone in the company wishing her luck, but of course we don't know who -- oh fuck it, we all know it's Karen, Karen's the worst, Derek's an idiot, the end, have a nice summer, everyone.

Or we could keep watching. Anyway. Julia and Tom wish her luck and Karen takes her place at center stage, looking out into the blackness as the curtain rises -- and we flash back twelve hours.

Derek, Eileen, Julia, and Tom are squabbling at center stage about how they don't have a Marilyn or a closing song. Julia wants to cancel the night's preview so they can keep working. Tom says the press will keep eviscerating them if they cancel another preview (although the constant stream of bad press [and actors plummeting to the floor of the Foxwoods Theatre] didn't seem to hurt Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark's box office) and Derek bellows, "Enough!"

The dancers are in the lobby, eavesdropping, as is Ellis, wearing his ridiculous red suit that looks like Thom Browne was inspired by Pinocchio. Eileen storms out of the theater, followed by Ellis, who hands her the phone. Michael Riedel, still making everyone's life a living hell. Eileen spins Rebecca's departure for Michael and says they have "a thrilling Marilyn waiting in the wings." Well, they do have one, but she's not going to be the one, you know?

Even Karen doesn't believe she should be Marilyn. She tells Ivy, "They're going to ask you to do it." Ivy demurs, because she doesn't want to jinx this whole Speaking Into Being thing she has going on. Both their phones ring, and Karen goes off to make wet squishy noises at Dev. Ivy moves away from the crowd to talk to Momadette Peters, who asks if the producers have asked Ivy to play Marilyn yet. Ivy reminds her that Karen is the understudy, and Momadette repeats that ridiculous line we keep hearing about how understudies don't get to rehearse the parts until after previews, because that makes one iota of sense at all when you have $7 million invested in a show. Whatever, I'm just so delighted to see Momadette. She reminds me of the days when I had such high hopes for this show, when it excited me.

Derek strides into the wardrobe room and demands to see Marilyn's costumes. He starts holding each dress out in front of him, seeing first Ivy, then Karen, dressed as Marilyn in the fantasy sequences we've seen all season, and appears ready to make this million-dollar decision based on which bodice he imagines filled out best. This is why there are so few straight men in theater.

Stage Manager Linda calls the company to the stage. Derek comes out on stage and calls for Karen. He tells her she's going on as Marilyn in, oh, eleven hours. Everyone tries not to look at Ivy as she swallows back a whole bunch of vomit.

Linda asks Derek if he really wants Karen to go on tonight, and protests that none of the costumes will fit her because Rebecca's a foot taller. (I do not think that is true.) Derek tells her to find one dress that fits. Karen is going over the songs with Tom and Julia, who is controlling her panic admirably, and being amazingly un-twattish compared to her behavior these past bazillion weeks. She tells Karen that everyone loves her and wants her to succeed, which proves that Julia is still delusional. But as she hugs her she makes an insane freakout face at Tom over Karen's shoulder. Tom bugs out his eyes in response. Julia asks Karen what she needs, and Karen, of course, asks if she can call her fiancé, because she is a mewling brat who needs her hand held every second of every damn day and I know this is a stressful and unusual situation and all your dreams are coming true but at the same time you're terrified down to your very fillings but oh my god, SACK UP, HO.

Derek calls Karen to get to work and Julia screams, "She needs to make a phone call!" the same way you or I would scream "That baby just fell out the window!" Julia takes her concerns to Derek, who insists that the show is going on with Karen tonight, and redirects Julia and Tom to the new song.

Karen tells Dev, who's back at the grubby cast hotel, that she's playing Marilyn tonight. She asks him to come watch her rehearse. Out in the seats, Ivy is watching grimly, dreaming about how maybe stupid Karen will trip and fall into the orchestra pit and break her skinny Iowa neck and then Momadette Peters will finally see, she'll see that Ivy has talent, all right! Ellis, whose guile has deserted him in this time of frantic worry, meebles over Ivy's shoulder, "I can't believe this." Ivy adds him to her mental list of first up against the wall when the revolution comes and gets up when Derek calls the shadow selves to the stage.

Out in the lobby Tom is saying that if he starts orchestrating the last song now it should be ready by three. I, um, hope the oboe section can sight-read, is all. Julia hands over her lyrics, and says, "It's good, I think." Tom raises an eyebrow and actually says, I am not making this up, "Maybe not so much, honey." I love Tom. He's amazing in this episode, even though all he has to do is mop Julia's brow and bare his teeth at Derek is a pathetic attempt at primate intimidation. "We have so much time," he repeats, waving his wrist foppishly. Julia crumples up her lyrics.

Eileen is out in the lobby on the phone, spinning the grand up-from-the-gutters-of-Iowa story of Karen, when Ellis bursts out to wail, "You can't let this happen! It's Ivy's part!" He appears to be completely convinced in the way of delusional entry-level twits everywhere that if he just explains himself to Eileen she will let him overrule the director and start making all the decisions, because of course this twenty-two-year-old nobody who four months ago was making Tom macaroni and cheese should get to make all the creative decisions for a multimillion-dollar Broadway-bound show!

Eileen, still marvelously calm, says okay, and suggests that Ellis make a Starbucks run, because that is his actual job. He doesn't take the hint and says, "I didn't get Rebecca Duvall out of your way so you could ignore me yet again." Luckily there's no one else in my apartment because I start screaming AAAAAAAHHHHHH ELLIS THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT YOU WERE THE ONE WHO WANTED REBECCA YOU TERRIBLE, STUPID LITTLE MAN. Eileen doesn't believe what he's saying, so of course Ellis starts monologuing about how Rebecca wasn't going to get them to Broadway, so he, Sir Ellis of the Guttersnipe Ellises, had to take matters into his own smoothie-making hands! "So don't ever call me an assistant ever again. I AM A MURDERER. I mean producer!" he finishes, inflated with his own righteousness. Eileen fires him, gloriously, and it's a miracle he isn't reduced to a tiny pile of grubby ashes. His face is completely blank as he says, "You haven't heard the last of this." Oh, it's too much to hope that Ellis is actually a completely amoral Profit-style sociopath. That would actually be interesting.

Karen and Michael are rehearsing that dreary front-porch song. Rebecca's costumes, hilariously, look like flour sacks on Karen. I saw the revival of West Side Story a few years ago with an understudy playing Maria, and none of her costumes fit either, but poor girl, they were too small. When she hit the high note in "Tonight" her bodice almost ruptured. But Karen's bodice is in no danger of that. Derek is bellowing about how she's screwing up the blocking, and Julia joins in that she sang the wrong lyric as well, then heads up to show Karen the correct one. Just then, all the lights go out. Poor beleaguered electricians.

Michael corners Julia onstage in the dark to say again that he only came to Boston because he thought Julia needed him. She says she knows, and he completely reverses direction from last week (which, let's remember, in the show is only two days ago) and says he won't pursue her. He explains that he told his wife about their sordid affair and she left him and took their adorkably named spawn with her to Seattle, where now he'll surely become a snowboarder who gives the theater kids wedgies.

Here's one thing I don't understand: They go to all the trouble of Marilyn's infinite platinum wigs but don't bother to tint Michael Swift's hair? He's dirty blond, and DiMaggio, you know, not so much. Come on, show. Of course, Shrek chooses this moment to wander into the theater and see Julia with her hand on Michael's arm. He stalks out and she chases after him, because we are all very, very interested in the state of the Houstons' marriage.

I will not lie, gentle readers, I have watched the Rock of Ages trailer four times. I am unironically excited about it.

Julia catches up with Shrek and they have the millionth permutation of the "This wasn't anything"/"I know but I'm still jealous"/"It's over I promise"/"I don't believe you" conversation, and both actors are putting everything they have into it, but we've seen this so many times that I am almost relieved when Dull Leo interrupts them, saying he bought his parents lunch. Because that is something that a 17-year-old who's forced to spend his spring break at his mom's job would cheerfully do.

Tom comes in and asks Derek to hold rehearsal while he and Julia finish polishing the song. Derek is being even more grotesquely condescending with Tom than usual, and I give Tom all the credit in the world for not slapping him in rage. Derek calls everyone to get in costumes for "Never Met a Wolf."

Out in the lobby, Tom is having a controlled freakout and Julia is taking the mealy platitudes she just mouthed to Shrek about how the good that remains in their marriage outweighs the bad and putting them in the closing song.

Karen's quick change into her "Wolf" costume just isn't working. She misses her entrance and Derek hollers at her. She comes out on stage in her underwear, dress in hand, and says she's trying. He grins and they go into the song. And it's a great song, but the lyric "When a girl gets curvy and the boys all drool" just doesn't work with Karen in the lead role. Katharine McPhee is a lovely girl, but curvy she ain't. Ivy watches from the wings and she flashes back to the first time we saw this song, when they performed it in Derek's apartment to impress Nick Jonas. The choreography, all dancing army boys and big lifts and throws for Karen, is gorgeous and so fun.

Speaking of which, the choreography and vocal acrobatics do not instill confidence that Rebecca could have accomplished this. Karen's managing it, but her performance is a little more Lesley Ann Warren in Victor/Victoria than Mitzi Gaynor in Anything Goes, you know?

Ivy chooses this moment to ask Derek why he didn't choose her. Derek confesses he's been hallucinating Karen as Marilyn, and says she has something that Ivy doesn't, which is just pure bullshit, show. One hundred percent. He at least has the humanity to say he's sorry for letting the tumor pressing on his frontal lobe do all his decision making. Ivy thanks him for his honesty, and as she's going backstage Dev catches her and asks if she found the engagement ring. She says she didn't, then goes to the dressing room and regards Karen's shrine to Marilyn (and to Karen). She reaches into her purse and pulls out...dun dun DUN...the engagement ring (which is ENORMOUS. Wow, Dev).

Linda is explaining to Derek that the costume change is a real hang-up and they need to work on it during the break. Eileen compliments Derek on "Wolf," but says it's the only number Karen's gotten right so far (and there are, what, ten more in the show?) and she can't learn everything she needs to know in one day. Derek turns back to yell something at the guys up in the rigging and Eileen finally explodes, telling Derek she's sick of him blowing her off when she's the one taking all the financial risk (well, her and Nick Not Jonas and the mob and that rock star guy) and she wants to discuss who'll be Marilyn. Of course, Karen is like six feet away behind a curtain.

Karen flees back to the dressing room and sees her engagement ring. She asks Ivy, who is stoically brushing her hair like Marcia Brady crossed with Miranda Priestly, how the ring got there, and Ivy chooses THIS amazing moment to tell Karen she banged Dev, and puts it in the worst possible terms: "A traditional guy like Dev -- bought you a ring, took you out to dinner, asked you to marry him -- it's very Joe DiMaggio of him." Karen has one brief moment of lucidity and says, "Would you stop talking about Marilyn? This is me, this is my life." Of course it comes in the form of narcissism rather than anyone pointing out that being in a show about Marilyn doesn't mean you need to turn yourself into Marilyn, but at this point in our great shared hallucination I'll take what I can get. Karen says she doesn't believe Ivy, and Ivy asks why she'd make this up. Well, I can think of a few reasons, sugar pie, and one of them is that platinum wig on top of Karen's head.

Karen goes out to confront Dev. He confesses he slept with Ivy and Karen starts breaking down as Dev says they got through this and he doesn't want to go back. Dude, you, collective, didn't get through anything. She didn't know there was anything to get through. Linda calls Karen back up to the stage and she slaps the ring in his hand and goes back to her job. Eileen thanks Karen for her hard work and is about to break it to her gently that they're going to have Ivy step in when Derek interrupts and pulls Karen aside. And then he delivers The Showrunner's Manifesto.

"You, listen to me, okay? I hate collaborating, all right? I hate it. I am an artist and a storyteller and this is my vision, and no one is going to get in my way. If you want a hit, then be quiet and I will give you one and afterwards you can say thank you." And from sea to shining sea, Aaron Sorkin and Dan Harmon and Matthew Weiner and Kurt Sutter and every other egotistical control-freak genius perks up his ears and the rest of us bow down to Saint Rebeck and thank her for this gleaming gem of creative vision she has bestowed upon us, we, the unworthy. Yeah, that Gretchen Wilson number was a real feat of vision and storytelling.

And Sam finally shows up! God, he's adorable. Tom asks Sam to remind him why they do this insane shit again. Sam, who is a magical angel made of tap shoes and ticker-tape parade confetti (go Rangers), tells Tom that it's art, and it's beautiful and joyful. Well, when it isn't ripping your guts out, sure.

Jerry has reappeared, without his inflatable girlfriend this time. He asks Eileen if she's really putting the understudy into a show with no ending. Eileen says Karen's very good and the ending is being fixed, as she's pouring herself a glass of neat whiskey (ha!). Jerry asks how much Eileen has invested, and if she's using their daughter's money. Eileen says she doesn't use Meryl Streep's, er, their daughter as a weapon, unlike some people she could name, and he asks why she doesn't let him help her. Eileen tells him to go away.

Tom is trying out some gospel orchestrations, which Julia shoots down. They argue and Julia asks him to just make it simple. And then she reflects some more on Karen and Karen's inability to, you know, be Ivy. "It's such a good musical," she moans. Oh sure, Julia. Keep telling yourself that. She blurts, "I'm not feeling well" and rushes out of the frame.

Beginning of "Wolf." Karen is in the wings, waiting to go on, and suddenly rips off her wig (but desperately, not in a fun drag queen kind of way) and flees. Out in the lobby, Julia tells Tom she was sick, and he chalks it up to the stress. She says she's never sick, that the last time she threw up she was pregnant with Leo, and I'd be more inclined to blame the disreputable fish and chips Dull Leo just appeared with ten minutes ago, but of course lady on TV throwing up = belly full o' baby. Linda interrupts them to ask if they know where Karen is, because she's gone missing. Guys. She can't have gotten far. She's an idiot in Boston; at the very most she's wandering around Harvard Yard looking for a spare Romney to marry.

Eileen greets beloved guest star Nick Jonas, who has brought back her Degas, and doesn't seem to serve any other function in the plot. Eileen pours out her latest worries to the youngest of the Jonii, and he asks what happened to the "gorgeous blonde you had playing Marilyn before." Eileen appears to agree that Ivy was great, what did happen to her?!

In the dressing room, Dennis is the only one who grasps the gravity of the wig-ripping. One of the others asks if he thinks Karen is cracking, and he deadpans, "I think she has four hours to learn Act Two, including a brand-new number no one's even seen yet, and she bolted." Derek bellows for Karen and wanders through the background. Dennis smirks, "Ivy wouldn't run." "No," Ivy agrees. "I wouldn't." Because Momadette Peters didn't raise any quitters!

Derek looks for Karen out in the alley and finds only Dev. Not content with winning their earlier slapfight on points, he tells Dev he needs to back off and let Derek get Karen through this performance. "This is who she is," he says. "She's mine now." And I have whiplash from finding Derek simultaneously irresistible and repellent.

"She's mine if I can find her," Derek mutters as he follows the trail of discarded Marilyn ephemera. This all seems a lot more complicated than it should be; the theater can't be that big. He finally finds Karen in her underwear, hiding behind a rack of clothes. So now he's going to cuddle up to her until she finds her confidence in his pants? Yes. Derek sits next to her and assures Karen that she can do this, and asks what happened, although he admits Karen's feelings don't matter in the grand scheme of The Show Must Go On.

"Art isn't therapy," he says. "We're not here to work out our personal problems. We're here to take those problems and completely exploit them, to hell with how much we hurt. Actually, the more we hurt, the better." Karen sees through the bullshit and says she can't go out there, but not for the completely legitimate reasons that she doesn't know the show and she's a crap Marilyn, but because she had a fight with her boyfriend. Karen, you truly are a despicable weakling. She mumbles, "You don't understand because you don't understand love." Derek manages not to roll his eyes so hard they pop out of his pretty, spiky head and says it only matters that Karen understands, and that Marilyn did, that she has so much of Marilyn at her fingertips. Oh, yeah, the absent father, the mentally ill mother, the childhood sexual abuse, the failed teenage marriage, being treated like a sex object by everyone she met, the other two failed marriages, the miscarriages, the alcohol and drug addiction -- yeah, I'd say Karen Cartwright has what it takes to access all that. I'm sure she wet her pants in the cafeteria in seventh grade and that provides all the sense memory she needs.

Ivy comes out on stage in one of Marilyn's costumes and greets Eileen, Tom, and Julia. Eileen says she knows it's a lot to ask -- but then Derek and Karen arrive, with Karen in costume. Eileen puts her hand on Ivy's shoulder and Ivy smiles and says it's okay, then goes to get changed. Derek calls the company in and demands the new song from Julia and Tom. He places Karen in front of the footlights and everything begins to rotate around her, the way she thinks it should.

In the dressing room, Ivy is still in costume when Momadette Peters shows up, a bottle of champagne clutched in her fist, which I like to imagine is how she goes everywhere. The bank, the gynecologist, jury duty. Ivy asks why she's here, and Momadette says, "How could I miss it? You're going to play Marilyn." Ivy says they didn't pick her, that she's just in the chorus, and tells Momadette she might as well go home. Ivy pulls off her wig and Momadette does not offer her the slightest shred of condolence, or even a big swig of booze to take the edge off.

And we're where we started, with Tom and Julia scribbling the last lyrics. Everyone tells Karen to break a leg as she heads to the stage, and I'm sorry, I know there's magic and adrenaline and whatever the hell, but there is just no way Karen could technically accomplish this entire show. It's too complicated and there's no precedent for her being a savant and NO.

The shadow selves begin telling Marilyn how worthless she is, and Karen begins singing "Fade in on a girl." The blocking here mirrors the very first scene in the show, when Karen was singing "Over the Rainbow." We skip to "Twentieth Century Fox Mambo," and then into "Lexington and Fifty-Second Street," which I still don't like. Out in the audience, Jerry curses to himself, which I guess means he likes it.

In the dressing room, Ivy is staring at herself in the mirror hatefully. Onstage, Karen is doing the suicide scene, so they've finally gotten her naked in bed the way Derek wanted her. She is completely blank behind the eyes. Marilyn expires on the last notes of "Secondhand White Baby Grand," and as Karen sings, "I still have something beautiful to give," Shrek looks at Julia and she tries to ignore the fact that she's inconveniently pregnant with another whimsically named Swift spawn.

Michael reprises "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" as Karen gets into her final costume. Derek nudges the wardrobe mistress out of the way and zips Karen's dress, saying, "Whatever happens, never doubt you're a star." Jesus CHRIST, show.

The new song: Karen performs on a bare stage, under a spot, like Barbra at the end of Funny Girl except not awesome. Behind her are projected images of Marilyn throughout the show as she sings about not being forgotten. Derek and Dev watch her from the wings. The song is a showstopper, and McPhee's putting every tendon and ligament into it, but goddamn, can you imagine what Megan Hilty would do with this? She'd burn the place down.

In the dressing room, Ivy dumps a whole bottle of pills out into her hand.

Karen finishes the number, superimposed on one final image of Marilyn, and the crowd goes wild. And even Debra Messing doesn't sound particularly convinced when she asks us, "That was quite a finale, right?" Sure, Deb. It was something, all right.

And that's all there was, folks. Thanks for reading, everyone. See you on Broadway.

Wilson knocks on House's door and announces that he's not doing any more chemo. House claims to agree with this plan, because it will result in Wilson being dead in five months. Wilson explains that he'd rather have five good months than a year in pain in the hospital. House feebly argues that he could get two or three months. Wilson says he's sorry and walks away. House: "I'm not gonna let you just die!

Credits. Have we gone past the point of Medical Mystery of the Week?

House enters PPTH and Foreman greets him. He offers him season tickets to something that they could attend together, but House notices that the first date is a month after Wilson will be dead. He recognizes this as an attempt to distract him and promises that he probably won't fall apart.

House greets his team with a case: a 46-year-old oncologist who refuses treatment. But they've already got a case assigned to them by Foreman: a 19-year-old cheerleader with a nosebleed and dizziness. I should remind you at this point that Chase left at the end of the last episode. So the team is just Taub, Adams and Park. House does not care about the cheerleader, even though the team tries to distract him with diagnoses. House mostly wants to talk about how his best friend is killing himself. On his way into his office, he diagnoses the cheerleader as having a midline granuloma, which will show up on a scan.

The cheerleader's a guy. Did you assume it was a girl? Taub and Park look at the scans and briefly talk about whether they should be taking this case. Park thinks they should consider giving it to someone else and Taub thinks it's dumb to not work just because "somebody is dying." Then Taub thinks the microphone is on, but it's just because the patient's brain is all lit up in its auditory center. So he's hearing something.

House enters Wilson and accuses him of telling Foreman to try to set him up with those season tickets. Don't worry if that's complicated, because the important part is that House is pushing an IV stand loaded with chemicals and Wilson's speech is all slurred because House drugged him. House hooks up the chemo and settles in with a magazine. Taub barges in to ask Wilson something and then notices the nonconsensual drugging. Adams and Park are also there and House does nothing but validate their theories: it could be schizophrenia and they should go check out the guy's dorm room for toxins.

The dorm room is full of pot smoke and gross stuff. And a roommate. Taub and Adams are on the case. The roommate won't talk about drugs because he's pre-law. He does say Derek doesn't party. Then Adams finds a picture of a little boy hidden in Derek's sock drawer.

Adams and Taub go to Derek's room and try to kick his girlfriend out so they can ask him about the picture. He says she can stay. After denying that the picture is anything, he admits that the picture is his brother Christopher, who's been dead ten years. Adams: "Is that the voice you hear in your head?"

Wilson wakes up. House claims he was dead, since he had no dreams. Wilson objects to the claim that House has proven something about death. He also says that neither of them has changed the other's mind. He asks House to leave. But before House can leave, Wilson says that he's spent twenty years holding the hands of people who are just about to die. So he doesn't believe that people are just bags of chemicals.

Park asks the team if they'll be talking about the patient or waiting for House. Taub says that it's viral encephalitis, but the symptoms have been going on for ten years. Park and Adams go to distract House, but Taub says that House never listens to them. How about temporal lobe epilepsy?

Derek and his girlfriend are having an argument about whether he trusts her. Adams and Taub want to take Derek for tests and he tells the girlfriend to leave and not come back.

Epilepsy test. Strobe lights. But he feels fine and smells nothing odd. Adams asks why he won't admit that he hears his brother's voice. He says it's how he was raised. She probes a bit and he reveals that his brother was killed by a drunk driver and his father drank himself to death. He looks confused. After his father moved away, his mother hid all the pictures of Christopher and pretended he didn't exist. And just then! His right eye hurts and shortly after he could see spots. Adams says it's a clot behind his eyes.

House and Wilson look for a place to eat in the cafe, but it's too crowded. House has a story about a kid that Wilson saved and it turns out to be his first case at PPTH. And this is the kid here! Right at this booth! House: "He's going to be a doctor. Instead of being dead." The kid tells Wilson about how much good he could do if he stayed alive. And then, of course, the entire cafe is full of people who are alive today because of Wilson. It's a very nice scene. They start to tell him about the things they've gotten to do because he saved their lives, then they start applauding. House tells him that 74 children and 14 children are alive today because of him. Then Wilson tells House that Mikey Kimball would have graduated high school the previous year. In fact, nobody in the room was really a patient of Wilson's. Yeah, House shouldn't have gone back to the "hire an actor to trick Wilson" move so quickly. It was still a pretty moving moment. I mean, briefly. House says that Wilson really did save all those lives. And maybe it's more impressive that all Wilson's patients are too busy to be there? Wilson leaves.

Taub throws a file on Foreman's desk. It's a glowing letter of recommendation for Foreman to sign when House implodes. Foreman claims that House has been handling it fine, but just then water cascades under his office door.

Foreman has a scene with House. House admits that he flushed those season tickets down the toilet (thus overflowing the pipes), but he only did it because Foreman wants to replace Wilson. And that, to House, means that he wants to be the victim of pranks.

Wilson is drinking a beer in a diner when a woman walks in. It's Doctor Thirteen! I'm calling her that because it always seems disrespectful to just call her "Thirteen," but no one on the show ever calls her Hadley. So I decided "Doctor Thirteen" strikes a nice balance. Glad we got that sorted out! So like I was saying, Doctor Thirteen joins Wilson at the booth and he says that he ordered her some beers and then drank them. He would like to know what it's like to be dying. "Does it ever stop being surreal?" Sure, she says, when you die. He says that he had a patient start crying for him. He wonders why people don't say something that makes him feel better and she points out that there's no such thing. She suggests doing "two weeks on, two weeks off." Wilson says he can't envision spending his remaining time in a Chemo Suite in Princeton. I don't know why not; he spends most of his time there anyway.

House is on his cell and leaves a message on Wilson's parents' phone, asking them to call back. The rest of the team wants to talk about Derek, who's got some psychological issues. Adams thinks Grief Avoidance is a thing. Taub tries Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Adams suggests that Derek could have gotten hurt at practice and not told anyone, because he's clearly pretty good at not telling people things. They get to the bathroom, which House has sabotaged. Water is cascading everywhere, presumably because he flushed more tickets.

Park sticks a needle into Derek's back to investigate the spinal fluid. She makes small talk about what Derek hears. She thinks that he hears Christopher's voice to help him deal with it. And then she sees that the pressure in his spine is way too high.

House hangs out at the Chemo Suite. Doctor Thirteen walks up and announces that the Prodigal Daughter has returned. So she didn't just fly in to do an off-set scene with Wilson, then! He offers to off her, which is a fun phrase to say out loud. She says that House should respect Wilson's decision. He fired her so she'd be "forced" to spend the rest of her life doing whatever she wanted. She considers that selfless. "And you don't even like me that much."

House opens the door to Wilson's office and pokes in his cane, on which he is waving a white rag. He enters and announces that he surrenders. He admits that he's been a disloyal jerk. Wilson says he won't let his parents return his call. House says he's made a reservation for two at Carmine's and promises that there are no ulterior motives. I think he looks sneaky in the final shot, but he kind of always looks like that.

Derek's mother enters his room. Adams says they think it might be an extreme migraine and he'll get an MRI soon. The mother sees the picture. Adams tells her that Derek may have been repressing grief for ten years. Derek says that he doesn't even know if Christopher was really like that. With no pictures or video to go on, he doesn't have reliable memories. He asks if his mother could maybe tell him a little bit about Christopher. "I'm sorry. It was a long drive in. I'm going to go get a coffee." Thanks, mom!

Wilson and House are having a lovely meal. Wilson is laughing and crying. House has ordered a platter of Oreos, which is apparently a reference to a camping mishap they once shared. Wilson acts his ass off in this scene and starts to hypothesize about "sticking around for a little longer." House admits that he thinks that's reasonable and drinks some coffee. Wilson looks around and decides that House must have been conning him. House objects to the idea that Wilson couldn't fold on his own without being conned. Wilson says that the whole nostalgia trip was a set-up. House says that he needs Wilson because he doesn't know what he'll do without him.

Wilson stands and this speech gets its own paragraph: "I don't owe you anything. Our entire relationship has been about you. My dying is about me."

Wilson cries in his car as House walks up. House tells him he doesn't want to die, which Wilson agrees with. But he fought it. Once. He says, "I have five months to live, and you're making me go through this ALONE?" He needs House to be there for him as a friend. He needs House to tell him that his life was worthwhile and he needs House to tell him that he loves him. House says, "No. I'm not gonna tell you that unless you fight." House gets out of the car and walks away.

Derek goes into the tube. The blood vessels are non-reactive, so it's not a migraine. He says he feels weird. When he's slid out, he calls Park "Dr. Adams." And then! Suddenly! The ceiling collapses because some jerk's been screwing with the plumbing! You thought it was going to be something to do with Derek, didn't you? Or at least Wilson? Nope! Apparently we need a prank subplot.

Ambulance! Firemen! The hospital is full of wreckage! House looks around, somewhat dazed and ducks below some police tape so he can participate in this week's case. Adams is pretty mad at him for injuring her, destroying the MRI machine and endangering the patient. House swears he had an alibi. Taub says House is only here because something happened with Wilson. House claims to be done with Adams, which nobody believes. Park says they got enough from the MRI machine to know it's not a migraine. Also, the patient mistook her for Adams. House looks thoughtful. Then he grabs something from a medical drawer and leads everyone to Derek's room.

He pokes a hypodermic needle into Derek's eardrum. And when he pulls out the plunger, it's not full of air, but blood. It's "persistent stapedial artery." It's supposed to disappear in the embryonic stage, but it didn't. So it's been pushing against his frontal lobe all this time. House leaves and Taub follows. Derek asks if his brother's voice will go away.

Taub lectures House about how he's being an ass to Wilson. House shouts at him about how life is pain and how he's thought about suicide a lot. Lots of people hear him. House leaves and Taub looks sad.

Park is waiting for House when he comes out of the elevator. She tells him they had to delay the surgery because Derek drank ammonia from the janitor's cart. He didn't want to live without his brother's voice. House limps off angrily. He enters the patient's room and loops something around Derek's neck. Derek fights for life while Park and his mother try to fight House off. House shouts about how this proves that Derek wants to live, but he keeps strangling. Park whops House over the head with his cane, which stops him. She says that he's spent his life looking for the truth. And this time, the truth sucks.

Wilson and Foreman. Wilson tells Foreman that he'll be leaving "quite a bit earlier than we had talked about." In the next day or two, in fact. Foreman gently asks if it's something to do with him and House. Wilson says he can't be responsible for House's happiness. Foreman says he is, though. He's kept one best friend for twenty years amid three wives. Foreman: "Enduring pain to do some good for someone you care about. Isn't that what life is?" Man, are you kidding me with this? At this point, I think Wilson should kill himself just to show House he won't be pushed around.

House holds a bag of ice to his neck, alone in his apartment. He takes out some Vicodin and looks at it. We see Wilson alone at home. House plays the piano. Wilson gets some wine and sees a bag of Oreos in his cabinet. Derek's mother watches him sleep/ Derek wakes up and asks if she took his picture of Christopher. She did. Did she throw it out? Nope. Will she bring it back if he agrees to the surgery? She takes his hand. Surgery. Something is removed from Derek's ear. House continues to play piano. Wilson knocks on his door.

"I'm ready to start the next round of chemo?" "Why?" "Because you need me. And I don't think that's a bad thing anymore." "No. You're the only one I listen to." And when he stopped, he almost killed his patient. House says Wilson is smarter than him. He's not okay that there are only five months left, but it's better than nothing. House says he won't tell Wilson he loves him, which Wilson is pleased about. "You got any Oreos?"

Derek wakes up. His mother asks how he's feeling. The surgery worked, which he knows because Christopher is gone. She turns away and then brings his picture back over. She's also got a picture of Christopher's face, which is nice. In fact, she has an envelope of pictures, some of which also feature Derek and herself.

Wilson's office. Wilson shows House the peak of a mountain on his computer. House points out that he can't climb things all that well. Foreman enters and brings in Matt Johnson, the hospital lawyer. It's about the tickets that House flushed into the plumbing. They know they're his because they have his name on them. They also have fingerprints somehow, although I'm not sure how fingerprints are going to stick to shredded, waterlogged tickets. Foreman says that because the police and fire department got involved it's felony vandalism, so House has to go back to jail. He has to serve out the rest of his sentence.

And there are six months remaining on House's sentence. He looks around, particularly at Wilson.

Next week: a two-hour event! And I really think they could manage to get Stephen Fry in here for one lousy cameo, you know?

Follow Monty on Twitter at @monty_ashley and read his blog, Mysterious Exhortations.

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Owen reminds them all that they need to know what everyone is doing soon, in case he needs to start hiring some new doctors. I just pray that if he does, they aren't featured characters because this cast has just gotten too huge. He then reminds them that they will be helping Boise Memorial with a conjoined twin surgery and everyone going should be in the lobby ready to leave the following night at 10 PM. After everyone files out Richard tells him that he should be proud that he trained the kids so well but Owen points out that Richard is the one who should be proud as he is the one who actually trained them. Richard beams and doesn't feign modesty -- he's bursting with pride.

As they are talking, the brilliant future doctors of tomorrow are partying like it's 2005 with tequila shots, loud music, and drunken jumpy dancing. (Let's not do anything silly like try to correct the timeline to adjust for how many seasons it took them all to get through their first two years of residency -- then we might all need tequila shots when our heads threaten to explode.) By the looks of Meredith's house, there were approximately a million other residents at Seattle Grace who all just took their boards -- the downstairs is packed. Mere and Cristina are gleefully screaming about how awesome they did while they dance to Sexy and I Know It. April is drunkenly chair dancing while Avery tries to get her to talk about what they did, but she's absolutely determined not to discuss it and just slurs to him that they are still friends and it's all good. She then jumps up and runs over to dance with Mere and Cristina but she's so manic and spastic that she scares them all a little.

A phone rings so Mere mutes the music and everyone keeps quiet while Cristina takes a call. After she hangs up she yells that Mayo now wants to give her a research lab, which means they are back in the running. April whoops for her and is forcing herself so hard it feels like she's going to have some sort of psychological breakdown sooner rather than later. Even Alex makes a comment to Jackson that now he knows what rock bottom looks like. Unfortunately, he jinxes it. A phone rings and the music is muted again but this time it's UVA calling to pull April's job offer since they want a board-certified surgeon. Everyone looks worried and uncomfortable but she hollers at them to turn the music back on and then starts to dance and scream with a vengeance while Jackson glares at her from across the room.

Later that night, Cristina stumbles back to the firehouse and sees Owen asleep in the bed. She stares at him a while and he eventually wakes but then warily holds still as if he might spook her. He's shocked and not sure what to do when she crawls across the bed to him and then cuddles up on his chest. He asks her what she's doing and she mumbles that she doesn't know, and then he asks her if she's drunk but she has the same answer. She massages his shoulder while he holds her tight, looking worried. She then sits up and waits a couple of moments before shuffling back down the stairs and back outside. He just sighs.

Ben is the absolute definition of "good morning" the next day as he pours mimosas and calls out the day's plans to Bailey - a Sargent exhibit at the museum, Pike Place, and maybe watching the sunset over the water later. First, it's breakfast in bed and the crossword, which he has set on the mimosa tray with two pencils. He could only be cuter if he was holding a puppy wearing a beret in his other hand. But when he turns to go to the bedroom, he's dismayed to find Bailey up and dressed. She pleads that the hospital called because there is a patient with all sorts of deliciously horrible unexplained things happening with his stomach. He tries to order her to stay home for her one day off but she tries to convince him that it will fun and invites him to come along; her excitement absolutely can't be diluted by his disappointment.

The patient with the exciting stomach turns out to be Jimmy Barrett from Mad Men and he's married to Chloe from 24. He's completely freaked out and keeps jumping to the worst possible conclusions while Chloe is kind of snide and dismissive; when Bailey and Meredith hear that they were just on their honeymoon they are surprised since they seem so "comfortable" (that's a very generous euphemism) with each other. It turns out they were on their third honeymoon as they have been married and divorced twice already and to celebrate their third go at it they went to Thailand. The bickering gives way to gooey smiling as Chloe says they just can't seem to stay away from each other, and the docs offer them amused congratulations.

Callie, Cristina and Teddy are meeting with Nick to explain about the tumor in his heart and how they plan to take it out. Teddy falls all over herself to say that he's in the absolute best hands with Cristina, but he's much more interested to find out where Arizona is rather than to hear about this procedure. Callie tries to sound normal when she says that Arizona has been busy with patients, but everyone knows it's a lie. Nick isn't terribly interested in having heart surgery only to earn himself a few extra months of life, much of which would be spent in pain, especially when his best friend is trying to avoid him. He thinks that it sounds much better to live out the rest of his days on the beach in Belize, and tells Callie to wish Arizona goodbye for him.

Derek finds Meredith and tells her that both Harvard and Owen would like an answer that day. Meredith tells him easily that they aren't going, but Derek has quite warmed to the idea of relocating to Beantown and he reminds her with a smile that he has family on the East Coast. Meredith isn't swayed by this especially since her one good family member is here in Seattle, and she adds that if Cristina goes to Stanford they are only a two-hour plane ride away from each other. Derek counters that if Cristina goes to Columbia, Boston is just a two-hour train ride away. I think it's actually closer to four, but who's counting? Mere is totally stubborn about staying so Derek stops the cute act and tells her seriously that Harvard wants him to run the whole neurology department. Meredith counters that Richard and Bailey love her, and then the Shepherds just growl at each other: he insists they are going and she that they are staying.

In the ER, Alex calls to April -- calling her "Apes" -- and offers nicely to split the patients. She is obviously in deep shit if Alex is going out of his way to be nice to her and give her what he seems to think is an endearing nickname, and she knows that and is totally angry about it. She insists that she still has three great job offers and he tries to agree, but it's really forced cheer. Richard then calls him over to talk.

He tells Alex that he just got a call from a friend named Keith Collier, who was one of Alex's examiners, and Keith is going to be calling Alex imminently. Alex is right to be horrified, but it turns out that Keith was impressed by Alex's balls and bad temper, and wants to offer him a pediatric fellowship at Hopkins. Alex is genuinely thrilled at the news since it is the best program in the country. April has been unabashedly eavesdropping and she calls out that Hopkins already chose their fellows for next year but Richard beams and says that's why this is exciting -- they would be adding a position just for Alex. Oh my lord. Kids, seriously, don't try this at home. Telling off your examiner and walking out of your test (after arriving late) don't usually get you everything you have ever dreamed about. I have been so sick of Alex lately but I do still like him for some reason, so it makes me happy that he's successful, but come ON. Oh well. Soon enough there will be far more implausible scenarios to swallow and this will be nothing. Even Alex thinks Richard is playing a really cruel practical joke but Richard giddily tells him that he's got nothing at stake here, and he's totally serious. While Alex still kind of doubts this is going to happen, Richard tells him to make sure his ringer is on.

April looks kind of sick at this whole turn of events as Alex walks back over and sets his phone on the counter. They both stare at it, but it's a watched pot and so stays silent. Alex tries to brush it off again as bullshit but even April has to admit she doesn't think Richard is kidding around. He finally declares he is over it and turns to walk away but just then, the phone rings.

Meredith finds Cristina and announces that she has made a decision; Cristina is actually really genuinely pleased until Mere announces that her decision is that Cristina should go to Stanford. Mere tells her that she will be staying here, so if Cristina goes to Stanford she can bring Zola down and they can get drunk on the weekends. Fortunately she rethinks that last bit as soon as it is out of her mouth but unfortunately she seems blind to just how much Cristina is not playing along with this at all.

Teddy bounds up and asks Cristina if there's anything she wants to go over about the conjoined twins in Boise and then reminds her with a grin that she'll be the sole cardiothoracic surgeon from Seattle Grace, and that it's pretty unheard of for an attending just to send a fellow like that. Teddy grandly tells her that is the kind of faith she has in Cristina. Cristina dryly points out that she's not actually a fellow yet, But Teddy just agrees and excitedly tells Cristina to think about the perks she would get once she really is. She then calls out how proud she is as she runs off.

Mere can't believe that Cristina hasn't told Teddy yet that she's leaving but Cristina just mumbles that she hasn't decided yet. Mere reminds her that she did, in fact, just decide Stanford. Look, I have a best friend in my life and I get it, but it would do Mere some good for her to actually listen and realize that all she's doing is annoying her friend right now. (And my own bestie -- and my other California friends -- deserve massive props for supporting me when I moved all the way across the country and didn't try to talk me out of it like Meredith is doing now.) Alex then walks up and yells, "Hopkins!" and it's kind of awesome that Cristina reminds him they aren't in the running, so he has to explicitly explain no, they want him. He quickly explains what happens and Cristina, smiling, realizes this means they already know he's a jerk. I don't know why I find it so sweet when Alex chuckles back, relieved, "They totally know!" but there's something endearingly honest about that -- way more than when we're being told to believe that he's got Deep Feelings for Morgan. He's really touched that they want him; Meredith tells him she's not surprised at all but Cristina tells him she's utterly and completely surprised. After a moment regarding him with a sly smile, she actually leans over and gives him a big hug, commenting, "Nice work, evil spawn." He walks off, cheering to himself.

Meredith then joins Bailey and Ben in the OR as they open up Jimmy Barrett and the ladies try to figure out what's wrong with him. They are marveling over how screwed up his innards are and seem delighted at the challenge, while Ben sulks and makes sarcastic comments about Bailey having all of the time in the world to try and figure it out. I know this is Bailey, and he loves her for who she is, but I do get where he's coming from when the two of them had a single, rare day to spend together. He gripes again about the crossword, but Bailey is content to miss it one week. Seriously, Mere pulls out a chunk of meat from Jimmy's stomach that is kind of rectangular with black spots and for one second I thought it was a Hot Wheels that Jimmy had ingested in some sort of kinky honeymoon play. However, it turns out to be organic. They ignore Ben's griping and continue to work happily.

Richard finds Alex to ask how the call went and Alex, in a shocking moment, actually pulls him into an empty room to talk rather than acting like the world is their soundproof bubble like most people do in this hospital. Alex is really unsure of what to do and told Keith he needed a day or two to think about it; he can't stop thinking about how he already made a commitment to Arizona. Richard asks him what kind of package they are giving him and while the salary is competitive, he's completely dismayed when he realizes Alex didn't ask for anything else like moving expenses and loan repayment. He also thinks Alex should ask for an international rotation. Alex thinks he has no leverage since these are two of the best programs in the country but Richard thinks the very opposite because they both want him so badly. He instructs Alex to call Keith back and tell him what he wants, and then to tell Owen whatever Hopkins is offering to see if he can match it. When Alex points out that Hunt might not have the money, Richard lets him in on a Chiefly secret called the Incidentals and Overhead Fund. He tells Alex that when Owen tells him he doesn't have the money, Alex is to mention the fund and then the world will be his oyster.

Derek runs into Mark in the elevator and asks him if he's impregnated Julia yet; Mark is an agitated mess as he admits he was going to until Lexie told him she was in love with him. Derek seems genuinely surprised so I assume Lexie hadn't told him she really pulled the trigger on that. Derek is extremely interested but turns appalled when Mark tells him that his response was, "Thank you for your candor." I thought he just gaped at her like a fish out of water and then left with Julia, but maybe he said that after the scene we saw ended. Derek thinks a more appropriate response would be to kiss her, but Mark says that Julia is at a conference and he's not a cheater. Derek pointedly raises his eyebrows at his but Mark seems to mean, "Anymore." Also, this is totally stupid because his response couldn't have been to kiss her because JULIA WAS STANDING RIGHT THERE. She may be out of town now but when this declaration actually happened, she was very certainly in Seattle and that's why Mark didn't really have a choice.

Mark admits that he owes it to both women not to screw up his decision and despairs that Julia wants to give him everything he wants, but he's in love with Lexie who doesn't want any of that stuff. Yet, Mark. I don't think we have ever heard her ideas on motherhood in the future, but she's young and still a resident and doesn't want kids now, and I think that's reasonable. However, that's less easily encapsulated into once sad sentence in an elevator. On cue, the doors open and there is Lexie. She gets completely flustered and tries to hand Derek the paperwork that she was bringing him on the Boise twins but she takes so long that when she turns to flee, the elevator doors close on her. Derek tries to motion to Mark to make some grand gesture but he stays still and then when the doors open back up again, the boys almost trample her as they try to get out. Mark then turns to Lexie and tells her that he didn't forget about that thing she said, but just needs to ruminate on it. "You know, run it up the old flagpole?" Between Nine Inch Nails being

Derek smirks at Mark while, in the elevator, Lexie shudders as if she's physically trying to shake off the conversation. Derek tells Mark it's a shame he's going to Boston, since he'll miss all this. Avery then runs up to Mark and asks if he has a moment because he wants to talk both about his future and about a little incident he had at the boards that is confusing him. But Mark is too far up his own behind and walks off as if he doesn't even hear Jackson.

Jimmy is completely freaked out that Bailey and Mere still have no real info after his surgery, and isn't really placated by the fact that at least they repaired the damage. Chloe insults him some more, telling him stress from his overreacting might be causing it, but she scratches her arm while she's talking and it's so obviously a plot point she might as well be wearing a hat with big neon arrows and a sign that says, "ARM HERE!" pointing down at what she is doing. As they bicker about Thailand and what is sanitary versus what is experiencing the local color, Bailey looks at her arm which has a bunch of swirly scratches on it that look a little like Heidi Klum's tattoo of Seal's name. (Which: oops.) What Heidi's arm is mercifully missing is the wriggling worm that Chloe has under her skin. Mere and Bailey are both rather excited and tell Jimmy they think they found what is eating his insides. Jimmy looks like I probably would at that news, which is like he might spew some of those insides all over the floor.

So now we know now not to eat sushi from a Thai train station. Ben finds Bailey researching the worm and bitterly tells her that he'll go ahead and cancel their lunch reservation. She is unsympathetic and mocks him for still being hung up on lunch and his Plan for the day. She finds a once-in-a-lifetime parasite to be far more interesting than a crossword and a salad. Dude. Give me a crossword and a salad any day. I hate to say this, but she verges on nasty as she continues to give him a hard time, but he just argues that the patient is taking medicine and the worm is going to die, so she might as well go to lunch! He tells her this isn't like the movies, where the worm will eat his brain and turn him into a zombie. Bailey is totally excited to learn what movie this is and is totally bummed to find out that he just made it out on the spot. He stomps out of the room, while she practically has an orgasm staring at the worm research.

Hunt does not take well to Alex's news about Hopkins and gets super shouty about how Alex already made a commitment. Alex is struggling to hold his ground since he feels guilty about this too but he points out that he hasn't signed a contract and just committed verbally. Owen's comment that he thought his word would be good doesn't knock Alex off track, and he says that normally that is true but Hopkins is HOPKINS and so kind of the exception. Behind Owen, Richard is treating a patient but also silently coaching Alex through the showdown. Alex struggles through and looks like he might crack at any moment, but Owen is so overwhelmed and angry that he somehow misses this completely. Alex tells Owen he wants them to up his salary the amount that would equal the moving expenses that Hopkins is throwing in. And then Owen plays right into Richard's and Alex's hands -- he claims he has no money and turns to leave, but Alex calls out after him that he should look at his Incidentals and Overhead fund. He's quivering with nerves but he it has the desired effect; Owen tries to deny he has any idea what that is but finally snaps up the paper Alex has with his demands and leaves. Alex heaves a sigh of relief, while Richard gives him a "You da man!" point of encouragement.

The residents then gather in the cafeteria for lunch and as Alex wolfs down spaghetti, Mere continues her Stanford presentation by telling Cristina that they have a chef who makes farm-to-table meals to order, which you can place by text message from the OR. Mere keeps hounding her and Cristina keeps trying to put her off, so Jackson changes the subject by pointing out that at Tulane he can have crawfish, but what kind of food would he get at USC? What do they eat there? "Souls," he's told. A lot of them just subsist on their own smugness, I've found. That and lots of beer. April's phone rings and she realizes the number is from New York which means it is Mount Sinai. April is inclined to ignore it and fully admits it is because she doesn't want the bad news to become real just yet. Finally, Cristina reaches over and grabs the phone and does a rather uncanny April impression. It's mean, but it's shockingly accurate. She sounds kind of upbeat and finally thanks the caller and hangs up. For one moment, April thinks they didn't pull the offer but Cristina tells her that they did, she just figured that's what April would sound like "in the face of rejection."

Jackson is upset on April's behalf but newly-nice Alex offers "Apes" some fries. She declines them angrily since she knows they are pity fries. Jackson puts his hand on her arm as he assures her she still has Case Western and Seattle but she wrestles her arm away from him. He's asked what Sloan thinks about Tulane and gripes that he can't get anything out of Mark since he's hung up on his own mysterious problems right now. Lexie shudders at this, gets up and leaves. Jackson comments that he's been disturbed himself these days, and he and April glare at each other and I'm not sure if we're supposed to feel sexual tension, but really I just feel April's desperation that makes me wonder if she isn't going to try something crazy soon. Her phone rings again, and this time it's Cleveland and she knows Case Western is about to let her down too. Cristina holds the phone out to her but when April doesn't take it, she answers it again. This time, though, she tells the person on the other line, "Well, you know what? I am an awesome surgeon. And I would have rocked your stupid little program so it is your loss. Go to hell." It's Cristina's way of being nice to April, but only showcases just how horrible things are for the Chief Resident right now.

When Arizona walks in to Nick's room he's dressed and ready to leave for Belize. She lectures him that he's going to have the surgery, and they argue, and he finally lays into her for butting in now after ignoring him for three days. He points out that this is hard for her, but kind of harder for him right now being full of cancer and totally alone. He tells her sadly that she was supposed to be there for him and when she tries to say she has his back he shoots back, "So have it!" It very much echoes Cristina and Owen yelling at each other and wanting each other to be their Person. Arizona pleads with him to have the surgery and promises that she'll be there and it will work. He thinks a moment and then tells her, "The things a guy has to do to get your attention. And everyone is saaad.

Okay, readers, are you sitting down? DEREK'S HOUSE IS FINISHED. It only took five billion years. But it was kind of worth it -- the house is all windows and gorgeous views and wood and a gorgeous stone fireplace. Meredith lays it on a little too thick as she compliments his work; I mean, she obviously really loves it but she's also clearly trying to butter him up to stay. He tells her he can build her a house in Boston, and Mark can buy this one. "His dreams have always been my dreams." You mean, loving a Grey even when it seems difficult? Actually, Mark has historically done a better job of that than Derek as he flies off the handle and gets self-righteously indignant a lot less. After they have a laugh about Mark, Derek gets serious and tells her that Harvard is now offering him a 10 million dollar endowment and that he's going to use that to cure Alzheimer's which is his dream much more than the house. He then gently calls her on making the decision with Cristina. She says it's not the only factor and while she's serious, everyone knows she is a huge factor. Derek tells her that he's her husband, and she should make it with him. I hate having to give Derek any credit but I see his point. Though at the same time he seems to already have dismissed Mere's own opinions.

Bailey and Mere go back to talk to Jimmy about his worm, and Chloe both bitches at them for not seeming as concerned as they should about getting it out right away, and then at him for overreacting since she's not complaining and she's got a worm too. Jimmy yells at her that they know hers is in her arm but his could be anywhere and like any red-blooded man immediately panics that it might be in little Jimmy. Chloe tries to dismiss him and then it sinks in and she asks the doctors if that could happen. Before they can answer, he yells about his legs. His legs and arms have started going numb, and the doctors jump in to action. Chloe is totally worried while Jimmy melts down, and Bailey has Derek paged right away.

Derek looks at the scans and sees that Wormio Iglesias has gnawed through all of the discs in Jimmy's spine and is now nesting there, somewhere. He needs to operate immediately to try and get him out before he causes paralysis. Bailey immediately offers to assist and tells Derek, "I'm on your six." Yeah, I had no idea what she meant, just like Derek and Meredith, but as I have Google at my fingertips, I was able to look it up. She offers to get him prepped and tells them, "Lock and load, people." She suddenly landed in a Michael Bay movie. I expect armed men to run in at any time and start blowing things up... OH WAIT, that was a different season finale.

As Teddy and Cristina scrub in for Nick's surgery, Teddy offers Cristina a variety of different pieces of the procedure to choose from or, if she wants, she can be the primary surgeon. Cristina is so over it now and just says, "Fine." Teddy snaps at this and asks her not what she means but what she's going to do about her future -- is she staying or going? When Cristina doesn't say anything, Teddy implores her that if this is about Owen, she's sure they can fix whatever it is that's wrong." Cristina doesn't look at her, just stares straight ahead and says she'll take all of the surgery, and then thanks Teddy for the offer before escaping into the OR.

Meanwhile, Mark and Jackson are getting ready to cut out Chloe's worm. She's fraught with anxiety and guilt over Jimmy's situation because she was the one who insisted they go to Thailand and she thinks she's been trying to get him to be someone else. She then asks if maybe she made a mistake. As good Seattle Grace surgeons do, Mark and Jackson manage to make this all about themselves and immediately want to know why she might think that. She points out that they keep coming back to each other expecting things to change which is, in fact, the definition of insanity. But Mark defends that it could be love, not insanity, and if there is a spark, there's a spark. Jackson adds that maybe she thought it was a spark but it just happened once and she has no time to figure it out because she is probably moving halfway across the country. Finally, in an uncomfortable moment everyone realizes the conversation has strayed too far afield and they all get back to the job of pulling the worm out of Chloe's deep tissue.

Derek, Meredith, Ben and Bailey are all in the OR together for Jimmy's surgery and while Derek is being cautious trying to figure out where Wormio has buried himself, Bailey's happy to just dig even farther into the man's spine to find him. Ben is the one who realizes Bailey's gotten obsessed with movies and makes a crack about how she's starring in her own, which explains her lines from earlier. She gets all defensive and is completely shocked that he is still upset about their plans. When he mentions the crossword again she loses it and says fine, let's do it right now. She goes to his bag and finds the thing, and begins to solve it out loud, with lots of attitude and drama. Derek actually has the gall to say to Meredith that this is why you should never work with your girlfriend. This, from the man who insisted his wife work with him after legitimately disastrous results the first time around and against all of her protestations and then who hit the roof and blamed her completely when something once again went wrong. Yes, Derek is totally the expert to coach other couples on the hazards of working together.

As Bailey answers questions she notes that this must not be a Sunday puzzle because it's too easy and ignores Ben's repeated requests to let it drop. She finally gets to one clue, which reads, "My question to you." Meredith and Derek try to help her answer but when she tells them it has 13 letters, Ben tells her it is 14. She argues with him that she's the one holding the puzzle until finally he yells at her that the answer is, "Will you marry me," and that he knows that because he designed the puzzle and wrote the clues himself after spending two months getting it mocked up like a legitimate New York Times puzzle. She is completely shocked and mortified, as she really should be. And to add to it, Derek finds the worm without having to dig into yet another disc like she wanted to do.

Callie and Arizona are up in the gallery for Nick's surgery, and Callie takes Arizona's hand. Once Teddy and Cristina are inside they find the tumor has gotten way deeper than it looked on the scans, and they have to come up with a new plan of action since their original idea won't work. But they each keep tossing out ideas and then pointing out why each of those won't work. Callie tries to reassure Arizona that this is the dynamic duo and they will figure it out, but the two of them just stare at each other over Nick's open chest, seemingly out of options.

When Nick comes to, he sees Arizona sitting by his bed but it too groggy to notice her blotchy, tearstained face as he asks how it went. She takes a moment to gather herself and then admits that the tumor had taken over his heart, and there was no way to get it out so they had to just close him up. He's totally confused, since he really took to heart her words that it was his best shot. She cries that it was, and he finally realizes what she's saying and says slowly that it looks like he is going to Belize after all. She agrees, and tears start to roll down his face as he begins to beat himself up, crying that he's so stupid, and why didn't he come sooner? He falls apart, so does she, and then she perches on the bed to hold him and try to soothe him as he sobs. Callie watches through the window, kind of heartbroken.

Teddy goes to see Owen, who is at the whiteboard erasing names of people we never knew who are leaving Seattle. She watches him a moment and then admits she thinks Cristina is going to leave. He only nods, so she finally asks him what happened because she thinks she has done everything to get Cristina to stay, short of offering her her own job. Really? I feel like Teddy half-assed the entire thing, just sometimes piping up about how Cristina should know how great they are and she should stay. I mean, what did she really offer? And look, I want Cristina to stay more than anyone else on the entire staff. Owen tells her bluntly that he slept with someone else. She is stunned, but wisely manages to stay quiet and Owen tells her that if Cristina leaves, she is leaving him and not Teddy. She looks shattered on his behalf and tells him genuinely that she is sorry. He nods again, and they just stare at the rest of the names.

Richard finds Alex sitting on a gurney and is surprised that he seems sad. He's worried that Hopkins pulled the offer but Alex admits that they gave him an international rotation, moving expenses, are paying all of his student loans and on top of that they offered him a mortgage allowance. Wow, for the first time ever, I kind of wish I'd gone to med school. Richard is delighted for him, especially when he says that Hunt matched the offer, but Alex is having a hard time with it because he's a poor sad angel clown who no one has wanted like this before. Rather than rolling his eyes, Richard is gentle with him and says he just doesn't recognize what it looks like to finish first. Alex thinks about this and Richard gives him a pat on the shoulder and leaves him. But as he goes, he puts a fist up in a silent cheer that one of his kids is so awesome. And I get that this happens to people but I'm just a little over it because we've been on this merry-go-round with Alex for years now, with him not believing in himself, then doing well, then realizing that there are people who love him, then sabotaging himself, lather, rinse, repeat. Let's try for some character growth with this one, shall we?

As Owen continues to erase names, April walks in, responding to his page. She's all hopeful and bright, while he's sad and quiet. Finally, struggling, he tells her that he can't hire her for next year. She's shocked, and pleads that she will take the boards again and pass. But he tells her that he had to do some shuffling of his budget (so, Alex) and that he doesn't have the money. She argues that a hospital like this should always have money, but she doesn't know the magic words that Richard gave Alex. She even offers to help him figure out his budget, and then finally, shaking, admits that this is all she has left. Owen simply tells her, "You're not the best candidate for the job anymore." She looks as if he just punched her in the gut, and he looks as sad as if he just did that too. He apologizes, but that is that.

Meredith are Cristina are sitting at a computer, marveling at a picture of the conjoined twins they are about to go separate. Meredith comments that it will be tricky, but Cristina says she can handle it. Wait, could this be about MORE than the twins? I don't know, if it is, it's awfully subtle. Mere tells Cristina that she's surprised to hear she's still considering Seattle and asks if it is because of Owen; she chooses to forge ahead even though Cristina is not talking nor even looking at Mere as she says this, holding perfectly still like maybe Mere will get a clue and stop. Mere tells her that he should be with someone who wants a baby, and she should be with someone who wants her. That is actually a good point. But it's also making the situation much simpler than it really is. Cristina is finally fed up and tells Meredith that she needs to shut up. Mere reminds her that it's a huge decision and says she doesn't want her doing the wrong thing. Oh lord, Meredith, just stop. I'm uncomfortable watching this because she just won't stop when she needs to. Cristina remind her that it's not her decision to make and when Meredith haughtily reminds her that she is her Person, Cristina shoots back that they aren't married. Shockingly, she actually starts to tell Mere that she isn't Cristina's Person but she stops short of that and just says that Owen is her Person. No matter what happens, I guess she's been able to finally realize that. She then gets up and leaves.

Callie finds her wife standing outside in the rain, crying. She assures Arizona that she just checked on Nick and that he is stable, but Arizona turns and pleads with Callie to never leave. She begs her, and Callie assures her that she isn't going anywhere. Arizona is completely overwhelmed and cries that after her brother died, she said she'd never go through anything like that again, but here she is. Now, I know Callie made a brief mention of it earlier but I think it bears repeating that she did come very, very close to going through it again -- close enough that everyone sang their way through an episode. I guess she's not counting that since ultimately Callie lived, but that was a lot of emotional Hell to endure before that point. Callie just assures Arizona that she's there, and holds her while she sobs.

Owen is sleeping in an on-call room when Cristina quietly sneaks in and watches him a moment. He's confused to see her but sits up and tries to sound supportive as he asks her where she's going to go. She sits down next to him, he adds that she can't go wrong with any of her choices. When she finally turns to look at him he's staring sadly at the wall and when he turns to her, she then kisses him. He's confused and kind of scared but she touches his face and after that, they start kissing desperately and climb into bed, grabbing at each other as if their lives depended on it.

Ben is at home on the sofa when Bailey gets home, and she walks in wearing her hair up, makeup, heels, and a black trench coat. She strikes a pose, and asks Ben to propose to her again. He looks at her, obviously liking what he sees, but tells her that she should come sit down with him. NO. That is never good and I don't like it because I like these two together. She undoes her coat and flashes him with whatever might or might not be underneath and repeats her request, but he tells her that while he'd love nothing more than that she should sit down. She thinks he's upset about the botched proposal and gets exasperated but tells him she's wearing a thong now, which is as sorry as she gets. "Ask me!" Instead, he reminds her that there was the shooting, and they broke up, and that he wanted to go do something inspiring but didn't think whatever it was would actually happen. Oh lord, didn't we hear this almost verbatim once from Arizona? Sure enough, he admits that he was accepted at UCLA (Go Bruins!) as a surgical intern. She stares, shocked, and he reminds her that this means he'd be working seven days a week, crazy hours, 1,000 miles away. As she finally sits down he tells her, "Everything's different now." Look, this is a bloated cast, but he wasn't on the list of people I wanted to leave.

Cristina and Owen are lying together in post-coital quiet, and he gazes at her and admits that at this moment, he is actually happy. He admits that he knows it doesn't fix anything, but he's happy as he lies there stroking her hair. I also think (and come on, yes, it's from experience) that he may know intellectually that this doesn't change anything but that he's hoping desperately -- even if it's subconscious -- that this actually does change things. But it really doesn't, because Cristina's face goes from contented and happy to sad and she tells him quietly that she's leaving. She looks away while he stares at the ceiling, looking as if the wind has just been knocked out of him.

Then it is time to go to Boise. Mark and Derek are in their puffy Seattle Grace jackets and Mark notices Lexie pick up a big duffel bag, presumably with supplies. He asks her if it's too heavy but she assures him she's got it and then again twitches. ENOUGH. Once in a blue moon that is a genuine reaction while more often than that it's used for effect, and that's fine. I've done it myself. But right now it just looks like she has some tic that needs treating. Is there no other way to convey that she's completely wigged out by the situation? Let's try and figure that out.

Everyone is then interrupted by yelling, as Arizona corners Alex and reads him the riot act for not telling her about Hopkins -- she heard about it from Owen. Callie tries to apologize for her and tells Alex she had a bad day, but Arizona can't be stopped. After she calls him an, "ungrateful crapdog," he defensively answers that she went to Hopkins and of everyone, she should understand. He then goes all Sally Field on her, "They want me, they really want me." She gapes at him when she realizes that this means he's really going to leave. She starts to yell and he pleads with her to save it until he gets back from Boise. But she's so mad, she rips the binders out of his hand and declares that he no longer represents the hospital and she's going to go instead.

Meredith and Cristina watch all this, both looking kind of proud of their screwup little brother who done good. Mere beams that she can't believe Alex is showing them all up by going to Hopkins, and Cristina points out that's if Arizona lets him live that long. Oh, ha ha ha, as if someone would really not live through the next day! Mere then turns to her, smiling, and says that she's going to Boston, and she's already told Owen. Cristina smiles and tells Mere that she's going to Mayo. Both of them grin at each other, clearly proud, even if they are going to miss each other like crazy. Man, it really is like they've all turned in to something resembling real adults!

As they all get ready to leave, and Meredith marvels at how swallows can fly thousands of miles and not get lost, April is across the street drowning her sorrows with Mr. Cuervo. Jackson walks in and finds her and immediately says that they should get some water, but she lashes out at him that she's sick of everyone being so nice to her. She wipes away angry tears and he tentatively reaches out and puts his arm around her. After a moment, they almost kiss, but then she pulls away and starts screaming at him that he's only doing this because he feels guilty that they slept together and then she failed the boards. He tries to deny it but she doesn't hear him because she keeps yelling about how no one wants her and he's completely stunned to realize that Seattle pulled her last offer. She screams at him that she doesn't want his pity, and she'll be fine. He agrees with her, trying simply to calm her down, but she finally gets up and runs out of the bar.

And then we see the Boise Six in a small airplane on their way up to the potato state. As Owen erases the last of the names off the whiteboard, we get glimpses of everyone on the plane: Mark is pensive, Arizona is sad as she gazes out the window, Meredith is thinking to herself while Derek reads but he then looks up and takes her hand, and they smile contentedly at each other. Cristina is reading but she also has an air of melancholy about her. Also on the plane is Lexie, though we don't get a steady shot of her twitching in her seat. Mere keeps talking about the swallows coming back to what they know every Spring, and how cool it's supposed to be when you see the moment they all get some invisible signal and get up and leave.

The screen goes black, and when it comes back, we're in the middle of Lost. There's the scream of a plane's engine, birds scatter, the screen shakes, and then we see pieces of jet scattered across a forest, and bloody, unconscious Meredith lying in the middle of it all as her voiceover says that maybe she's missed out on the swallows, but whatever, "There's always next year." The obvious question is, of course, "Is there really a next year for Meredith?" And now, once again, we go into the finale with potential mass death for the doctors of Seattle Grace. It's a wonder anyone practicing medicine in this version of Seattle can even get out of bed in the morning with the constant threats to their life that pop up consistently every year or two.

Lauren S is a writer and gal-about-town who lives and works in Atlanta, and has had delicious food in Thailand but never sushi from a train station, thank goodness. She wants everyone to know: "The views expressed in my recaps and anything else I might write on TWoP are my own and do not necessarily reflect the views of my employer."

You guys. What the hot fudge sundae is Brooke wearing? It's this beige dress with a rectangular window cut out in the front to show off her cleavage and then spangled suspenders going over the shoulders? It's like Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Boobs Club Band or something. Does she own a mirror? Is it just when your face is pretty and you have big boobs, you just wear whatever?

Tonight's encore is William and Cheryl's samba. Okay, I'm going to be open-minded about this. Well, the man can shake his tush, that's for sure. And he totally full-on grabbed Cheryl's boob at one point. But there's still something about his dancing that doesn't seem QUITE right. It's good. He's got hip action. His feet seem fine. I just can't pinpoint what doesn't look right to my eye.

Remember last night when Katherine and Mark did a great quickstep and Carrie Ann went crazy and said it might be the best dance she's ever seen on the show? Then she did a salsa that I found really unfortunate, even before the ending where they fell and Katherine did something to her back that seemed really painful. In the confessional afterwards, Katherine said that she felt like the end of the salsa was the end of their time on the show. Well, we're going to find out right now if they're safe or in jeopardy. Katherine looks in a lot better shape physically tonight, although she's obviously terrifically nervous. And then Tom tells them that they're safe and going to the finals. Katherine is obviously feeling better because she jumps around like a crazy person when she hears the news. Wow, they really expected to go home. They did get the lowest judges' scores. Aw, that means someone else is going home. I hope it's not Donald.

Clip package where the pros talk about their competition and how great everyone is this season. Peta thinks Maria has shown the most improvement, despite her injuries. Mark thinks William's technique is his weakness, but Cheryl thinks his passion and emotion will help him connect to the audience. Everyone thinks Katherine has beautiful and graceful movements, but Mark thinks she might psych herself out. Cheryl points out that athletes like Donald do well in the competition because they know when to peak, although Peta thinks that he's used to being stiff and not lyrical, and it's a challenge.

Brooke is backstage with Katherine and Mark, where Katherine says that she's fine to keep dancing even though she may have gotten hurt again during her celebration. They try to get Mark and Katherine to watch their fall but there are technical difficulties and then Brooke tries to blame Mark but it sounds like they both made small mistakes that added up to a bigger one. Maria says that last night was "a triumphant victory of a night" because they had a terrible week but somehow pulled it out.

Design-A-Dance. It's a samba to a Beyonce song, and it will be danced by Tristan and Chelsie. I'm not surprised about Tristan. I am surprised about Chelsie, a little. Those two are cute together. It's nice to see them both dancing without having to talk their partners through the routine, and it's nice to see samba rolls done properly. I think they had a few issues with some lifts, though. And the ladies on the forums who are Tristan fans are going to have a FIELD DAY with the ending pose, where Tristan is leaning back on his knees and looking at Chelsie like he wants to...do things. It's a pretty sexy look.

Alanis Morrissette is on hand to sing her new song. I'm an Alanis fan. She's singing live, for one thing. And I miss the ladies of the '90s, like Shirley Manson and Courtney Love and Sheryl Crow and the whole Lilith Fair crew. There's the obligatory rumba while she sings.

Time to look back at Maria and Derek. Before they went on, Maria actually licked her hand and slicked Cheryl's flyaway hairs down. I kind of loved that, although I don't know if Cheryl did. I seriously do not know how Derek did that jive with a bad back. And Maria could NOT have been more excited about their first-place finish. So are they safe or in jeopardy? They are in jeopardy. The crowd boos and Maria jokingly joins them, although she seems pretty okay with being in jeopardy. I guess this far along, you have to be prepared to go home.

Tom announces what was confirmed at the ABC upfronts today, that next season is going to be an All-Star season. He adds that there will be former champions and non-champions. So spend the summer figuring out who you want to see! Or not see. I don't want to see Bristol Palin or Kate Gosselin. Or Marie Osmond. Or Billy Ray Cyrus. I would like to see Mel B again. That's about it.

Brooke is backstage with Donald and William, but they are both super nervous and don't have much to say other than, "We hope people voted for us and we get to continue."

Julianne is back to promote her new movie Rock of Ages. They perform "Jukebox Hero". This guy singing is no Lou Gramm, or as people from my hometown of Rochester, New York knew him, Louie Grammitico from Gates-Chili. Julianne sings "I Love Rock and Roll" and then Mary J. Blige comes on and sings "Any Way You Want It." You know, if it weren't for Tom Cruise, I might see this movie. I know it will be terrible and cheesy, but I like things that are terrible and cheesy sometimes. I just don't think I can take Tom Cruise. After the number ends, Tom talks to Julianne and they have a cute father-daughter chemistry.

Carrie Underwood is on hand to fill time, I mean sing her latest song. I like Carrie Underwood, but just tell me who's going home.

Last night, William and Cheryl were totally focused after their first dance and knew they had to nail their second one. William's son was totally asleep. Aw, poor little guy. Don't you envy kids their ability to just sleep through anything? One of my kids slept through fireworks being set off about ten yards from us last Fourth of July. I was ready to leave but he just kept sleeping. Anyway, Donald and Peta also did great last night and Donald was thrilled.

So one of those two couples is moving on and one is in jeopardy. And William and Cheryl are in the finals, so that means Donald and Peta are in jeopardy. Brooke tells them twice because she's not sure they heard her the first time, because they were congratulating William. I don't like the looks of this. On the one hand, I like Maria just fine and I like Donald a lot. On the other hand, maybe Maria has peaked? And she's not going to get any better? Whereas I feel like Donald has room to improve. I still maintain that if Donald had Cheryl or Anna as a partner, he'd be even better.

So who's going home? I also think Maria and Derek might be too battered and bruised to make it another week. Oh, I keep thinking of reasons why Donald should stay, so that probably means he's going home. Finally, Tom tells us that Maria and Derek are going home. It seems like they kind of knew. Oh, thank God. The audience boos but come on. Who deserved to go home more? And how much better was she going to get?

In her exit interview, Maria says that she learned about her own strength and ability to persevere, and Derek talks about what an amazing person she is. Maria is very gracious, thanking everyone and anyone but making it sound sincere. She really did show a ton of improvement. I never thought she would make it this far and I can honestly say now that she deserved to be here this long. If you had told me after the first week that she would make it one week shy of the finals, I never would have bought it. That's kind of what this show is about, right? The people who learn and improve over the season? Anyway, now on to the finals.

Stan decided what his prostitution- and insanity-rich family needed was more creeps bugging them, so he co-opted a Richmond "presser" and offered twelve grand to whatever mobster or fake psychic or general lowlife Rooster and Lily St. James that might wander along with details of Rosie's death or life. The Mayor faked a photograph that seemed to prove Darren was responsible for the murder, and even though he's been acquitted the Mayor's still trying to squeeze that stone whenever he can. Linden's son finally had that nervous breakdown he's been working on, while Holder -- before his death at the hands of Native Americans -- had a strange run-in with one of the maids at the Casino. At this point people are just handing them red herrings.

OFFICER DOWN

Linden: "Policemen! My vehicle is obstructed by a passing train and so I cannot solve this issue myself, but I just received a phone call in which my partner could be heard having the living shit kicked out of him on a reservation. Search for him immediately."
Coworker: "Officer, I can't just do that..."
Linden: "Then proceed through the chain of command in a timely fashion!"

Jack: "Mom, what's going on? What horrible thing is going on now?"
Linden: "Progeny. Return to sleeping. Or to crying uncontrollably."
Jack: "What's going on with Holder?"
Linden: "Nothing, Progeny. He is being abused by the Native Americans, as in a myth typical to their people. I will deposit you at his residence so that you will stop talking to me. For I crave the silence."
Jack: "I don't want to stay at Holder's apartment! I want to go with you! Or to Regi's! You keep leaving me places and then I keep getting almost taken away from you! I have had it!"
Linden: "You have had it. I see your point, Progeny. This Killing. It is pushing us all beyond our limits."
Jack: "Could you just this one time let the cops do their jobs?"
Linden: "A laughable suggestion."

Coworker: "Lieutenant Carlson has denied your request for a search party."
Linden: "But an officer is down. I have told this to you."

HQ

Linden: "An officer is down. I am feeling anxiety, Superior."
Carlson: "You should try knocking some time. It makes people react better when you do that, instead of just rushing in with your whole intensity thing."
Linden: "I understand your suggestion and will mull it. But later. Now, you must search for my partner."
Carlson: "The Stan Larsen thing has everybody running in circles. Imagine that, a bunch of red herrings causing the entire Seattle PD to freak out and be useless. On this show!"
Linden: "Understand that my partner was screaming on the telephone."
Carlson: "I can't even believe that, really. It seems more like you're lying, again, to get onto the reservation, again, and cause me more ass-aches, again."
Linden: "I do not tell lies about things like this, Superior. Internal Affairs will be interested to learn of these events when my partner's body is found."
Carlson: "Oh my God, just go home. Or whatever cardboard box or barrel with suspenders you call a home these days. Anywhere but back to stir more shit on that reservation."
Linden: "I am going home. It is called Stephen Holder."

DAY TWENTY-ONE

Linden: "Menacing Native Americans. Where is my partner. On his phone it is only a grotesque outgoing voicemail message in his wigger language."
An Armed Roberta: "He got on the ferry and went away, I guess. But please stop being so intense and everything, you know the cops don't have jurisdiction here."
Linden: "I am not here as a policewoman detective, I am here as the woman who will destroy you. Show me Stephen Holder."
Roberta: "Do you not remember that whole story about the girl that went too far..."
Linden: "You will save this story for the Federal Agents that will arrive if harm comes to either myself or my Coworker. Understand that the Coast Guard, Seattle PD, and a host of other individuals may or may not be arriving shortly."

Nothing happens, and of course neither of them can move because Roberta actually did some shady shit a minute ago with Holder, so they just kind of awkwardly stand there... And Carlson actually shows up!

Carlson: "Turns out 'Internal Affairs' was the only thing that would shift my ass. I'm here to save Holder, unexpectedly. Now Linden, what they're saying is that he was conducting an illegal search..."
Linden: "True."
Carlson: "...And they escorted him off the property."
Linden: "False."
Carlson: "Pretty sure I'm going to blame you regardless of what happens next, but okay. Let's find us a tweaker."

Cop: "Okay, people, let's go fast. We got until dawn, when the lawyers show up. Linden, you go sit in the car because we have all had it with you, and because you are singularly poor at finding things."

Moments Later: "We found a Pez dispenser on the northeast sector of the island."
Linden: "I will join it in that sector."
Moments Later: "This is his Pez, I know it. For my partner enjoyed Pez."

By pre-dawn, they've found a random junk pile of garbage that would make Chief Nicole cry one single tear. The dogs are stymied, Holder is trash but not this kind of trash, and even Linden's robot body is showing signs of fatigue. Just then, she sees or hallucinates a bunch of little kids playing in the garbage and looking sad, like "sponsor this child for the price of a cup of coffee" sad, and one little girl points off into the woods. Of course, Linden takes this at face value and immediately figures out that he's on the other side of this one stream they didn't cross during the night, and of course he is there.

DEAD!

Just kidding, it's Holder. Kill him and what have you got? I mean, that would be an awesome thing for the show to do -- actually to have something happen on the show, that would be incredible -- but without Holder, I mean, what is there. Then you'd have a cop show which is not only not really a cop show, but it would also contain zero cops. Just this outpatient lady, and her sweaters and her gum, wandering the hillside and occasionally bumping into a horrible family or a paralyzed City Councilman who likes to get choked in bed.

SPEAKING OF

Darren: "Thanks to the sad press of sad Seattle for coming out in this sad rain and just standing here in the rain while I talk about basically nothing and then roll away in my wheelchair in the rain. Allow me to reiterate that thing Jamie's grandpa said about bad luck making you or breaking you."
Jamie: "He remembered that one thing he keeps saying in every episode, that I said! Because we are in love!"

Press: "How come you killed that little girl?"
Darren: "I didn't. Next question."
Press: "Where were you that night you killed that little girl?"
Darren: "..."
Gwen: "Thanks! But we have to go now!"

"Presser" my ass. More like depresser, am I right?

MAGIC HOSPITAL

Linden: "I am the partner of this man down. How long until he is fully functional?"
Cute Canadian Nurse: "In the real world? Like a month. On this show, thirty minutes."

Linden: "Progeny. Holder is alive."
Linden: "Asking me if I am okay is like asking a Ford Escort about the upcoming mayoral race. It is qualitative, not quantitative."
Linden: "I will notify him of your opinion about his music collection. Once the internet is invented this will be a stupid conversation, but that has not yet happened on this show."
Linden: "My hope is that you will be comfortable staying in his house a little while longer, until I crack this case about this Killing."
Linden: "Yes, I love you also. I am your parent."

LARSEN

Boys: "How come Aunt Terry can't babysit us in our gloomy doomy dark nightmare house? What is going on with my eyebrows? Why do we have to stay with grandpa?"
Stan: "Because I opened a great big fat can of worms."
Mr. Marek: "That might have been a dumb idea, maybe? Because of how you're in the Mob and people are already super weird about her murder and everything?"
Stan: "It is all I have, so I will ignore that truth entirely until it is proven to my face."

The phone keeps ringing, and Stan keeps answering, because he is a goddamn goober.

MAGIC HOSPITAL

Holder's Sister: "Are you Linden? I was told to look for a highly kinetic, anxious cloud of sweaters and gum."
Linden: "You seem harsh and protective of your child. I suppose that you are his sister. Know that he is a good police detective."
Sister: "I think he should try another job, but that's nice. He's never been good at anything before. Besides smoking crystal methamphetamine and showing little discretion about his friends and compatriots, I mean."
Linden: "One thing he is bad at is being African-American. You are awfully judgmental for somebody who always looks like she has been crying in the bathtub all day."
Sister: "Anyway, here's that matchbook. He woke up briefly from his beating coma to tell me that you should have this. I guess it's a clue."
Linden: "This Killing. I tell you what."
Sister: "Just to make it clear, I want you out of here. Like how I always want Stephen out of my life? That's you. At least until he wakes up, and then I'll probably go back to being a bitch to him."
Linden: "That is mostly how I react to him too."

The matchbook said 11 AM tomorrow, which is today, and it's like almost 11. Sarah puts on her Holder costume and heads outta there.

RICHMOND

Darren: "Man, I wish this hospital had overhead lighting."
Gwen: "The Mayor is leading by seven points, thanks to Larsen somehow."
Jamie: "Darren, you have got to stop Adams going after your alibi. Just tell people where you were that night!"
Darren: "I suppose you two would like that. Me telling the truth, and all. But it ain't happening."
Gwen: "Then we'll need a grand gesture. Prove you can lead this city."
Darren: "Maybe I could get us electricity. That would really be something."

THAT BEAUTY PARLOR

Barber: "The only white person I was expecting today was a tall white guy."
Linden: "You have seen through my disguise. It is true, I am a woman detective."
Mary: "...It's fine, Uncle. You're the partner?"
Sarah: "Why am I here."
Mary: "I was the one that creepily left Rosie's bloody backpack on Stan's porch. By the way, she wasn't a hooker. We were maids together at the casino."
Sarah: "Your hands have the same chemical marks as hers. Ammonium hydroxide."
Mary: "Chief Nicole makes us use substandard cleaning products because she is corrupt. I feel like you're hyperfocusing on the wrong..."
Sarah: "Tell me more about Rosie."

Sarah: "Why was she wearing hooker makeup."
Mary: "Sometimes she also worked as a waitress. Chief Nicole liked to use kids because she could pay us under the table."
Sarah: "Because she is corrupt. I see. Was Rosie working that night."
Mary: "She wasn't on the schedule, but she was there. Getting on an elevator, acting real cagey."

I love Mary. I wish Mary was on this show all the time. She's awesome to look at, and I like her acting style. Maybe Mitch can come kidnap her too, and start an army of twitchy doomed young ladies. Mary's like this one spelling bee girl I loved long ago on the TV, who would cough and jam her hands in her pockets every time. Mary just keeps turning around and around while she talks to Sarah, slowly revolving, like she's on a lazy Susan we can't see. It's really effective.

Sarah: "An elevator to the tenth floor. Just as was my partner. Do you go often to that floor in the elevator."
Mary: "We used to smoke up there, but after she died they took away our keys."
Sarah: "What did the key look like."
Mary: "Like... A key? Are you serious? Like a key. Like a key you open doors with."
Sarah: "I have not lived anywhere in a very long time. A boat, a motel, a motel, a drug den. Only one of those actually had a 'key,' as you call it. This key, was it located under a flowerpot."
Mary: "No, it was just a ... normal key. Am I being punk'd?"
Sarah: "Why does a beauty parlor even have matchbooks. Is another question."

CITY OFFICES

Mayor: "Good to see you, other politicians. I'm happy to think that waterfront projects waterfront projects waterfront projects."
Darren, rolling up: "Three things. Number one, stop intimating that I killed that girl because it is really throwing me off. Number two, quote Chief Jackson has you over a barrel with the waterfront. But it's not you she'll be screwing. How much is she taking the city for? And number three, you're linked to that fake photo that got me arrested."

Darren rolls away and the Mayor's eyes bug out.

Ben Abani: "There's no way he could have found out! My contacts are above reproach!"
Mayor: "Clearly not. Get scary, if you please."

HQ

Stan: "Detective Linden! I am actually happy to see you for once! I brought you tons of red herrings."
Sarah: "I can do bad all by myself, Parent of the Victim."
Stan: "Just look at my crazy scribbled lies!"
Sarah: "I will do so, sir. But understand that people are going to eff you for your money."
Stan: "I still can't hear people when they say that. I am too busy grieving."
Sarah: "Your hopeful smile is a dagger in my equilibrium."

Cops: "There goes that Sarah Linden. Cool how she almost got Holder murdered."

Linden: "Superior, why are you in my office touching my files and belongings."
Carlson: "Um, Sarah. We need to talk."
Linden: "You will actually have to say it out loud."
Carlson: "Fine. Give me your badge."
Linden: "Their attack on my Coworker proves that we were on the right track."

Carlson: "Things are turning into a race riot. So thanks for that. But also, once again, you disobeyed orders, nearly got your partner killed, and ... Honestly? I don't like you. Your weird affect and complete disregard of the rules makes me uncomfortable a lot of different ways simultaneously. Also, you've been a dick to me since I showed up a week ago and you started ruining my entire life."
Linden: "That lady from Forbrydelsen, DA Niilsen, will press charges against the casino."
Carlson: "Yeah, and then the tribe'll countersue us, the city, the county..."
Linden: "Then I will go to the newspapers about that faked Richmond photo."
Carlson: "Which has your badge number on it, remember? Give me your badge and gun."

Sarah notices a messed-with bag in the evidence box that has something with the casino logo on it, which I presume is the key, which I/Sarah got so interested in that I/we nearly missed the next thing he says.

Carlson: "I understand you were supposed to get married today. Sonoma, right? Nice place to raise a family."

Dang, Duck. That was cold as ice. Cold as this dreary Seattle weather. The worse things get, the more of that dignity she has. I guess that's the only option. I guess that's how she's survived her life so far. Sarah Linden is taking it in the teeth this week. You have to love her, but man. I wish Holder would wake up and give her a great big hug and make all her problems go away right now. Because what has she got? No home, kid's cracking up, Regi can't even really stand her to any large degree, and now she has no job. All she has is the Killing, and she's been edging off the grid all season, so I guess now she will just be thinking about Rosie non-stop and barely able to do anything about it. For a bunch of people that keep telling her not to get crazily focused on Rosie, they aren't doing much to distract her.

RICHMOND

Gwen: "How about this random idea?"
Jamie: "Think bigger."
Gwen: "Maybe black people."
Jamie: "Maybe. What's going on with the Mayor on TV?"
Mayor: "Waterfront, Chief Nicole, blah blah."
Jamie: "So then I guess his whole campaign is about the waterfront stuff."
Gwen: "So let's keep him from getting it back, and make that our campaign instead."
Jamie: "As long as everybody on this entire show just talks and talks about waterfront construction projects, people will keep watching it."

HOLDER'S APT

When Sarah gets back to Jack, Jack is gone and the place is crawling with cops. Two non-surprises. But the really horrible part is how the cops keep calling her "Miss Linden." It's a name, like a name a person would be called, but when anybody says it to her it's like a horrible weapon. She sits in her car for a second to meditate on Jack's whereabouts, and then figures it out.

LARSEN

Stan: "Okay, crazy. Thanks for your strange lies, hope it works out. Next?"
Some Lady: "Man, these crazies that are obsessed with that reward, am I right?"
Stan: "You have established a rapport. I will not question you further about your intentions."
Naomi: "How about I also had a daughter, and she died too?"
Stan: "You are working me like a pro. Continue."
Naomi: "You raised a good girl, Mr. Larsen. You should be proud. Rosie told me all about you. She told me she loved you, despite everything that happened between you, the past. She told me that you were such a special daddy to her."
Stan: Starts crying; the sun comes out.
Naomi: "Yeah. Also, give me some money and I will talk to her for you. In Heaven."

Stan goes from overjoyed and crying to sad again. Just sad for everybody. It's so sad. Like, whether this lady is an asshole -- which she is -- or crazy -- which probably she is -- that was a bad little moment. A dagger in his equilibrium. Hopefully he will drop the tipline thing now.

REGI'S DOCK

Sarah sits beside Jack on the empty dock.

Jack: "I figured the cops were there for me, so I ran again. Thought Regi would be here, but she's not."
Sarah: Nothing, because what do you say?
Jack: "Nobody is here."

Sarah finally comes to a decision. All season long it's felt like the nets were closing on her, on her family, and somebody was going to get hurt, and finally somebody did get hurt. But Jack's been hurting this whole time. And for what? To prove some bullshit point about how she's not crazy? She's crazy. To prove that she's strong? She's not strong. Not as strong as Jack, anyway. Maybe not strong as Holder, who didn't get out in time. How she can take care of herself and her son? She can't. She cannot do those things. She just has Rosie now. The shape of her life finally looks like the shape of her head. She has lost everything that kept her connected to the world, and she keeps losing things, but at least nobody else was paying for it. Until now.

RICHMOND

Gwen: "Hey, buddy! I had a brainwave, you're going to steal Chief Nicole away from the Mayor. You'll be the waterfront campaign, not him."
Darren: "Problem number one, she is the worst. She makes Drexler look like a better bedmate*. Do you have any ideas that don't come with total corruption?"
Gwen: "Are we really talking about that?"
Darren: "No! We are talking about how you told the police I disappeared that night and came back wet, and that got me arrested, and that got me shot."

*(And how!)

Gwen: "I guess we could use some work on our communication skills. Like, how you lied to me. About a lot of things. Your dead wife, your suicide attempt that night, all those women, the choking thing..."
Darren: "What I hear you saying is that I deserve to be in a wheelchair."
Gwen: "What I am saying is, I have to go meet with our advertisers now. I'll be back with some more good ideas you can scream at me about later, okay?"

MAGIC HOSPITAL

Holder: "My nephew! My favorite person and the symbol of my lost innocence as well as the debt to family I can never repay, due to my history of addiction and self-loathing!"
Nephew: "Does it hurt?"
Holder: "No, I still have some organs. Hey, here's a gold coin like the one I stole from you long ago to finance my drug use."
Nephew: "That's always been a bigger deal to you than to me, because I'm too young to understand any of those concepts. I'm just as happy playing with like an empty box or some string. I can have myself a killer day just pretending a sandwich is a gun or my shoe is a magic potion. I'm a child, you see."
Holder: "Well, know this, because I may have sent you some mixed messages in the past on this subject. Your mom is a good mom. She makes the hard choices. And now, I will endeavor to be a better uncle. Now that my only addiction is enabling Sarah Linden's addiction."

Holder's phone rings a few seconds into their bonding, and he makes a worried face.

GOODBYES

Linden: "Helo will meet you at the airport in Chicago, of course, but I would appreciate a telephone call on your arrival. A mother worries."
Jack: "How about you just come with me?"
Linden: "I do not have an answer for that. This is just temporary. I will see you soon. If there's one thing we know to be true, it is that I am able to get on an airplane and go places."
Jack: "Okay, well. Bye."

Jack trudges off toward the gate, and she jumps up and chases him down. Time for some stellar acting. In a whole story about losing your child, losing your parents, odd horrible living arrangements, the thousand things we do to our kids... Nobody ever got to say goodbye before. She makes the best of it, her chance.

"Listen to me. You're strong. You can do this. You are so much stronger than I was when I was your age. And no matter what happens, you will get through it, because you are my boy, Jack. You are my baby."

Jack gets to the gate before he finally turns and gives her a smile, and once she can't see him anymore she just stares at the airplane, shaking. Framed against a big, grey sky.

When Holder arrives, Sarah barely even has to turn around -- she just knows he's there. He touches her back, like you would a stray animal. From far way.

Stan ignores the flashing light on the answering machine and heads to bed.

Darren watches the Mayor on TV, talking about his opponent's physical therapy, and in the other room Jamie finds Darren's gun, hidden in a drawer.

"This is the whole problem," the Mayor's saying. "He says he's not guilty, and yet when he's questioned about his whereabouts on that particular night, he refuses to answer..."

It's a quiet drive, back from the airport. Until Sarah says, without prelude, "We need to get that key." Holder thinks about answering her, asking about Jack, asking about anything, but he just keeps quiet. This is how she deals with pain. Sarah spares a look at the sky, and then focuses on the road ahead of her. Again.

JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Gossip Girl, The Good Wife, Pretty Little Liars and True Blood for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, most recently A Friday Night Lights Companion and Fringe Science. ]]> tag:www.televisionwithoutpity.com,2012://2.44343 2012-05-15T18:38:29Z 2012-05-15T18:51:22Z

Each couple has to do two dances tonight, and William and Cheryl are first. They got a perfect score last week (undeserved, in my opinion) and this week they have the samba and the tango. And that tango is first, to "Sweet Dreams" by the Eurhythmics. Well, it's intense. I still don't get William, though. He's a good dancer, but I don't see greatness. His frame is good. His facial expressions are fine, although in this routine, I felt like I could see him thinking about the next steps instead of falling into the dance. I noticed that Cheryl did a lot of little flicks and kicks and William did none. I think Cheryl is just SO good at choreographing to her partner's strengths that you don't notice that all William is really doing is walking around. Walking in a complicated fashion, to be sure, but walking. I'm sure the judges will fall all over themselves, though.

Judges? Len says he's really excited about the semifinals, and he loved this dance. He mentions wanting a tighter hold and crisper movement, but he really liked it. Bruno goes on for a few minutes in his usual sexual metaphor. I like Bruno, but his shtick is getting a little old. Anyway, he liked it too. Carrie Ann thought his lines and angles were gorgeous, but she has some tiny nitpicks. The audience boos, but Carrie Ann says she's just giving constructive criticism to help them in the finals. I don't really see how giving criticism specific to this routine helps in the finals. Shouldn't she give more general dance criticism? Like telling him he over-rotated on a turn doesn't really help. Scores: Carrie Ann 9, Len 9, and Bruno 10.

Last week, Katherine's tearaway pants got caught on her leg, but she managed to pull through. This week, she has the quickstep and the salsa, and reveals that she's thinking about revealing her belly, which she never would have done in the first week. But their quickstep is up first. It's all flapper style, although the music is very '40s, so that's a mismatch. Katherine does a great quickstep; she's light on her feet, enthusiastic, and graceful. I think this was the type of dance she was made for. I still hate Mark's overdancing and guppy faces, but Katherine looked great.

Judges? Bruno says it was "picture-perfect" and had "amazing technique." Carrie Ann does the fakeout where she says that Katherine needs to bring her A game for the finals, and she didn't - she brought her A+ game. Carrie Ann also calls it maybe the best dance ever on the show. Well, let's not get carried away. Len says it was great, but there was a foot fault early on. Mark takes responsibility, and Len says it was a fabulous number overall. I liked that, though. Len's not going to give them a 10, and he's explaining why not. Scores: Carrie Ann 10, Len 9, and Bruno 10.

Donald and Peta are up next. They have the samba and the waltz this week. Donald has trouble with the hip action for the samba, and he's worried because he's never seen a semifinals with this much talent in all of his years watching the show. I would agree; usually there's a clear delineation between the top two or three and the rest of the field. This could really go any way. So their waltz is REALLY lovely. There's a little slipup near the end with some turns, but the first half is just beautiful. Donald is graceful and yet masculine.

Judges? Carrie Ann felt the emotion in that dance but she saw a few missteps. Len thought the dance was from a more elegant era, but he didn't keep his head to the left enough. Bruno knows that the waltz is a difficult dance to do impressively, and Donald did that. Scores: Carrie Ann 9, Len 9, and Bruno 10. Hmm. I thought that was just as good as the previous two dances.

The final couple in the first round is Maria and Derek. This week, they have the jive and the Argentine tango. Derek struggles to get the choreography right, especially since he was criticized last week. Maria and Derek both have mini-breakdowns but are able to support one another through it. I guess that was to show us that their partnership is solid, after last week's fight. Their tango is amazing. There are a few tiny weirdnesses with Maria's legs, but the choreography is just great and it looks REALLY difficult. I saw on one of the entertainment shows this evening that Derek has a back injury so I do NOT know how he did all those lifts, or even danced at all.

Judges? Len says he was caught up in the dance. Bruno thought it was impeccably tailored and utterly fabulous. Plus he molests Len while talking. Carrie Ann says she remembered when Maria first started, and it's been quite a transformation. And Carrie Ann has many words of praise for the routine. Maria looks like she can't quite believe it. Scores: Carrie Ann 10, Len 10, and Bruno 10. Derek and Maria can't believe it. Brooke tries to get them to list all their respective injuries, but Derek demurs, because he knows that no one wants to hear it. I admire that a lot. Maria FREAKS OUT at her scores.

Time for sob stories! William grew up really poor and they never had enough food. He was always driven to be better. He left Cuba because his stepfather was a political prisoner and his family was granted asylum. He started out in this country as a model before transitioning to acting, and now he's a huge star in Latin America. And ladies really, really like him. Anyway, they're dancing the samba. Cheryl's no dummy; she put William in white pants so you can see every bounce to the ounce. And he's naturally good at the samba. My only issue with it is there isn't a ton of the samba bounce, and when he does it, it's all in the shoulders instead of at the knees. But he sure looked good doing it.

Judges? Bruno rolls his r's a lot and talks about the flavor of sexy Brazil. Carrie Ann is too overcome to even talk but she says his bounce was more like a thrust. That's what I noticed. Len thought the junk in his trunk was great, and he did a ton of basic samba steps while also having great rhythm. Scores: Carrie Ann 10, Len 10, and Bruno 10. As long as the thrusting was an acceptable replacement for the bouncing, I guess that makes sense. It just didn't look much like a samba to me.

What's Katherine's story? She grew up in small-town Wales. She studied at a prestigious music university, and then got a recording deal, becoming a sensation in Britain. She was engaged to a real hottie, but they broke up at the end of last year, right before she started rehearsals for this show. She and Mark are doing the salsa, with a Far East flair. Um, didn't Derek try this last week and failed miserably? Also, this style of dance is not Katherine's forte. She looks awkward most of the time. And then they screw up the final move and Katherine nearly falls down. She's really, really upset and I can't tell if she's injured or just sad that she messed up. Neither can Tom, and he tries to make sure Katherine is okay.

Carrie Ann loved to see her let loose and is sorry about the ending. Len also loved that she went full on. Bruno tells her not to worry about the ending, because it was wonderful. Are they just being nice? Because I thought that was pretty awful. I think Katherine took a knee to the gut, because she keeps holding her stomach, but when she gets to Brooke, she says that it was her back. Ouch. Scores: Carrie Ann 9, Len 9, and Bruno 9. If that routine had happened in the first few weeks, the scores would have been 7s and 8s.

Donald grew up poor, and his father was in prison when he was born. They were homeless for a while, and lived in a U-Haul under a bridge for a while. Eventually, his mother sent Donald and his brother to live with their grandparents, even though it was a bad neighborhood and they started selling drugs and stealing cars. He was a great athlete, but a troubled kid, even in college, until he met his wife. She told him to choose between her and selling drugs, and he chose her. Aw, that is sweet. This is making me like him even more. He was drafted in the seventh round, which didn't guarantee him a spot on any NFL roster, but he worked hard and he's a record-holder and a champ. I had him on my fantasy football roster one season, and he was GREAT. So I've liked him since then. Also, his kids are SO cute. Okay, I'm one hundred percent on team Driver.

I love their samba. I might be influenced by how much I liked his backstory, but I really liked the story of a rich dude and the lady who bilked him out of his money set to "Mr. Big Stuff." I saw a lot of great footwork and some fantastic bouncing. I'm still mad they didn't get a perfect score for their waltz, so the judges had better reward this one. It wasn't perfect, but I feel like the storytelling made up for a few small lapses in technique.

Judges? Len says it was a little careful here and there but he liked it. Bruno took a big risk in not doing a Brazilian song but it worked out beautifully. Carrie Ann just grins and says it was "A+ game." I think she already used that line. Can I give his kids a 10 each? Because they are adorable. And then in the interview, Donald talks about his mom and gets too emotional to talk. Scores: Carrie Ann 10, Len 9, and Bruno 10. Is Len ever going to give him that 10? Come on, old man.

Maria's story: lived in Massachusetts, where her parents worked as janitors. Haven't we already seen this? Wasn't this part of her package in the week where they told a story through dance or whatever? Anyway, I really love their jive, but it's a lot of Derek dancing and not as much Maria dancing. I mean, what she does, she does well, and it fits the song ("Tightrope" by Janelle Monae) really well, but I can see the judges saying it didn't have enough jive content. I cannot believe some of the moves that Derek pulled off with a bad back, though. I know his score shouldn't be based on that (or really, any of the moves that Derek pulled off), but it was a sight to see. I wish he had given Maria more to do; that's been an issue with them all season.

Judges? Bruno calls it the jive reinvented with quirky and unexpected details. All those weird moves shouldn't have worked, but they did. Carrie Ann tells Maria it was another stunner and she's a winner tonight. Len liked the footwork and the inventiveness and felt good with the music. The judges are surprising me! I agree with them, though. Scores: Carrie Ann 10, Len 9, and Bruno 10. I agree with those scores. I'm glad they didn't get another 30, but that was a routine I plan to watch again.

Man, anyone could go home tomorrow night. It really is going to come down to viewer votes. When they show Katherine during the closing, she looks miserable and in a great deal of pain. Yikes. Here are the final scores:

Maria and Derek: 30 + 29 = 59

William and Cheryl: 28 + 30 = 58

Donald and Peta: 28 + 29 = 57

Katherine and Mark: 29 + 27 = 56

At some point I'm not exactly clear on just yet, Serena submitted a page of Blair's diary to the real Gossip Girl, with the hopes of sinking the blossoming Dair and/or putting Chair back together. Between the setting of the bomb and its explosion, however, Blair and Serena had a really sweet scene together that seemed it might have solved Serena's season-long problem with being a crazy person. Bart returned to eff up Lily and Rufus's effed-up marriage. Oh, and way back before the show started, Serena and Nate did it at the Shepherd Wedding, which spun Serena out into a pants-free killing spree that ended with her sending herself to boarding school. Tonight -- brilliantly! -- the Shepherds are getting divorced.

In the real world, of course, our loss was Smash's gain. I've bitched nonstop about the show for the last two years, of course, but I must say that everything I didn't like over here will be a great boon over there. Safran's a stand-up guy, and I'll miss his particular viewpoint. The silver lining is that -- for GG's final, 11-episode season, the exec will be Sara Goodman, who I very much adore. To wit: Georgina takes down Poppy Lifton's Ponzi scheme, loses the love of Jesus and Lily sends Serena to Gotye jail! Jenny orders a Halloween assassination hit on Eric's boyfriend! Jenny and the drug-shrug! That fake psychiatrist lady is brainwashed into giving Lily fake cancer! Nate and Raina vogue, stoned, while Eric and Damian's relationship goes from creepy to creepier! And those are just the pretty good ones; she also wrote these highlights of the series-as-a-whole: Dan fingerbangs Cousin Peepers on Queller's desk, and she makes him call her Serena! Serena and her best buddy Inspector Chevalier solve the mystery of Henry Prince! And then -- in addition to tonight's finale episode -- the gold-star High Achiever Award-Winner of the last two seasons overall: The Night Of 1000 Serenas, where Juliet roofies her and kidnaps her! Anyway, that's what is going on behind the scenes, and I couldn't be happier: Two shows will be coming back in the fall with a shitload of firepower behind them, and I think it'll be great.

PLACES TO LIVE

Serena's making movie deals, but Blair won't talk to her houseguest. Speaking of how it's your house and you should get to decide who lives there, Chuck learns that apparently Nate has invited Lola to come live with them and doesn't think that's a terrible idea -- which it is -- because he is busy having stars in his eyes because Bart is alive. Over in DUMBO, Rufus is being ignored by Lily, and Lily is just finding out back at PRADA that Bart is alive. She pours vodka directly into her teacup and slurps it a tiny bit.

DIARY OF A MAD BLAIR WOMAN

Serena: "I didn't send her that shit, I just scanned your diary into my laptop to see how technology works, and then she stole it."
Blair: "That does make more sense, but you're still in big trouble. I stole Dan's phone because he can only access the Internet through his phone, but you also put stuff about my bitch mother in there, and GG is continually releasing pages like timed landmines throughout every part of my life."
Serena: "Well, Dan's a pretentious writer, surely he understands that private diary thoughts are not worth fucking about with. Haven't you read Harriet the Spy, or seen Girls?"
Blair: "You know as well as I do that nobody under forty in New York will admit to watching that show."
Serena: "I will do what I can to fix it. And by that I mean, I will be ineffectual in most ways."

Blair: "Dorota! Make a list of every bitchy thing I ever journaled!"
Dorota: "This be full-time project."

NOLA

Lola: "I'm so excited! I'm going on tour with Wicked!"
Nate: "I was going to keep you as a pet. Sad face."
Lola: "It's also about getting theatrical experience, though. So this is a non-factor, right?"
Nate: "Technically yes, but this face of mine has gone into full pout mode."

WALDORF

Eleanor: "Blair darling, why is our maid carrying your entire set of Tiffany-blue heart-locketed journals going back to when you were just a tiny little asshole? And more importantly, why are you dressed like White Trash Barbie?"
Blair: "There is no explanation for the latter. To the former, I can only say that probably the horrible things I think and say could very well impact your business. Since it's been a couple months since I last endangered your livelihood, and all."

"My mother considers herself an arbiter of Parisian style, but the only French she's intimate with are ... fries."

Eleanor, awesomely: "Well. The reflections of an overprivileged and under-attentive thirteen-year-old have no bearing on the business I'm in town for."
Blair: "We can talk more about that, but my minions have arrived."

Dorota hands out diaries to the Plastics, and they do minion-y things. Haven't missed those ladies, not one bit.

VDW/W

Serena: "Dan, hi. I'm really sorry about what I did but I am fixing it."
Dan: "What you did? Oh boy. What is it this time?"
Serena: "Who cares, just don't read Gossip Girl, okay? As an act of your higher moral character."
Dan: "Okay, I'm going to go read Gossip Girl now. Duh."

And what is her plan? Oh, it's real simple.

Serena: "Dear Gossip Girl (whose email address is simply Gossip Girl), I will do anything to keep you from posting more of this shit. Signed, Faustus."

DUMBO

Rufus: "Hey Dan, have you given any thought to my problems?"
Dan: "No, to the extent that I have no idea what you are talking about."
Rufus: "I'm talking about my bigamist wife who pays for all our food, clothing and shelter. She's going to need an annulment, and I'm starting to think that my constant emotional abuse and complete lack of a personality or charisma might end up being a bad thing."

PRADA

Bart: "So where does all this leave us? And why are you dressed like Eighties Trash Barbie?"
Lily: "To the second question, there is no answer. To the first, I'm interested to see what your take is. I have become quite the negotiator since you died."
Bart: "Well, first I want to thank you for adopting Chuck, which everybody including the recapper forgot about. That was a cool move."
Lily: "He's the only person on this show I like, so it wasn't really a question. But it's funny that we're now legally married and legally share a son."
Bart: "Isn't it? Hey, what if I just move in here and be normal and stuff?"
Lily: "I'll need to see your portfolio first."
Bart: "I mean, things are going great with Rufus, right?"
Lily: "Lol."

WALDORF

Blair has an awesome grid of apology gestures, from flowers to donations to personal visits, arranged for every person, designer and restaurant that she might have pissed off. The minions run down each of her poison pen victims, and she assigns multiple tasks for each person.

Blair, verbatim: "Skip MOMA, Tim Burton isn't art. I stand by that statement."

You and me both, lady. GG interrupts with a Dan/Chuck-related blast that seems to be a very big deal -- the Minions' jaws drop as one -- and she sends the gals out to do their damage control. For Penelope, though, Blair has a new task that wets her lips and eyes: Find all of Serena's secrets, and detonate the biggest one. We're going nuclear.

THE MISSING D

But what is the blast? While Chuck administrates his hotel stuff and gets everybody ready for Bart Bass's press conference, we finally see it.

"This new romance with Dan is fun, but is cultural stimulation enough? What if I never love anyone more than I love Chuck?"

Even GG notes the present-tense on that last verb; it does not escape the subjects of her ponderings either. So I guess now Dan knows that at some point in time, for at least as long as it took to write this paragraph, Blair indulged her natural prerogatives to juggle strong emotions toward multiple people, like we all do, and engage in healthy introspection about her own feelings, which we all could stand to do more of.

Let the weekly game of "Let's Make Blair's Decisions For Her!" begin. God knows she doesn't deserve agency in her own life, right?

DUMBO

Blair: "Dan! Hey! How is going, little guy? You're looking nice after last week's debacle..."
Dan: "Rrrgh."
Blair: "You saw Gossip Girl, I take it."
Dan: "I bought a new phone because I thought I lost mine. You'll be reimbursing me."
Blair: "Look. That was written before our ill-fated hotel sex, and thus completely changed in the wake of our drunken elevator makeout later in that episode. It's old news, buddy."
Dan: "But I still need you to tell me that you love me, in precisely the words I am ordering you to do so."
Blair: "Honey, let's just move on."
Dan: "And still you resist saying exactly what I want you to say, when I have given you a direct order! I'll remind you that my emotional terrorism ultimatum comes with a trip to Rome attached..."
Blair: "Fine, I'll leave you hanging until the big party at the end of the episode, which brilliantly bookends the Shepherd symbolism as two boundaries of both our relationships with Serena. Don't do anything world-wrecking and horrible between then and now, okay?"
Dan: "They call me Lonelyboy for a reason, lady."

EMPIRE

Lola: "Hey, Nate! I just met with the people so now I'm here to talk to you about whatever..."
Wm vdW: "Daughter! Here is all of your jailbird mom's money."
Lola: "That is a lot of money, you guys. I guess I can do whatever I want now."
Nate: "Yeah, like move in with me and live here and not live out your dreams."
Lola: "It's going to take me a second to figure out how to Vanessa this shit all up. However, I am pleasantly surprised that you didn't keep this money for yourself, Dad."
Wm vdW: "Rest assured I'm working some kind of angle."

THE TWO MR. LILYS

Bart: "Rufus. You're looking underdoggy today."
Rufus: "That's just my natural thing. Sign these annulment papers, please."
Bart: "So Lily's made up her mind?"
Rufus: "Don't be silly. This isn't up to her."
Bart: "I've changed a lot in the time I've been dead. I'm going to still leave it up to Lily, though. Since she's a person."
Rufus: "You're going to have to translate that into Humphrey."
Bart: "Fine, I'll sign it. But more than likely I have something even worse up my sleeve."

VAN DER WALDORF

Serena: "Blair, I just got screwed out of working on another movie with David Mamet! And it says on Gossip Girl that I never even read The Beautiful & Damned, which is totally untrue! It's the only book I've ever read! How dare you journal that?"
Blair: "I didn't. I wrote it today and faxed it to Gossip Girl to fuck with you."
Serena: "What the hell?"

"I will never love Chuck again after what he did tonight. He's a monster, and deserves to be alone forever."

Blair: "So are you happy now? Now that I'm as lonely and miserable as you are?"
Serena: "I am not to blame for everything bad in your life! The fact is that you spent this season juggling Chuck and Louis. Why steal Dan too?"
Blair: "You don't steal boys. You should know this by now, and you probably would if you'd grown up even one little bit since high school."
Serena: "Ouch! Well, you're still in love with Chuck. Deal with that."
Blair: "That sentence does to me what the word irrelevant does to you. And I just remembered this is my house and you only live here because we're friends, so guess what."
Serena: "Can I remind you that I knew what was in these diaries the entire time, and still loved and supported you? Even knowing that you weren't really into Dan. And now you're kicking me out? Just for ruining your life?"

JAIL

Carol: "Being on the inside has made me a different person. Prepare for me to act normal and caring. We'll start with, what a nice surprise that your father didn't doublecross us like I assumed he would, or like I keep doing to him. I'm glad you have all this money! We don't use money in here. Just cigarettes."
Lola: "I can't wait to get you a great lawyer."
Carol: "The firm of Abrams & Weil has taken my case! Based on reading about me in the New York Social Diary, I guess my relationship to the Lily and Bart situation is finally getting momma some traction..."
Lola: "Wait. Did you say Abrams? That's what people always call me, softly and under their breath, when I act the fool."
Carol: "In any case, move in with Nate. I don't really care about anything anymore."

Lola: Dear Lily, we need to talk about some things. I'm worried your sister has gone crazy. She's acting way too much like a mom right now and it's freaking me out.

EMPIRE

Bart: "Allow me to reiterate that I am proud of you, son. Even though you're wearing more purple than ever."
Chuck: "And how are things going with you and Rufus's ridiculous pissing contest?"
Bart: "She's a Powerful Woman, Charles. Which reminds me, how is life under Blair's constant fickle flakiness treating you these days?"
Chuck: "Somewhere between getting shot and having amnesia and importing a French whore to be my girlfriend, that got messed up. I didn't rape anybody, but I did break some housewares and went through a Fight Club period."
Bart: "And then she married a prince, and now she's with Dan Humphrey? That is a fucking laugh. Get in there, little man."

PRADA

Lily: "Lola, if you need any money for Carol's defense..."
Lola: "I have shitloads of money. And her lawyers are working for free anyway."
Vanya: "Mrs. Humphrey, I have unrelated legal matter for you."

It's the annulment papers, signed, which means Bart took Rufus at his word, which is ridiculously stupid. Lily tells Lola to leave so she can go freak out, having lost -- as far as she knows -- her Bart Bass lifeline, but of course Lola sneaks a peek at the envelope: It's from Abrams & Weil, and since she doesn't know this is about the bigamy stuff she presumably presumes that Lily is pulling some shit on her mom.

Lola: "As long as everybody else is merrily marching into hell, I might as well be a part of it. Let's fuck everything up for everybody, shall we?"

EMPIRE

Blair: "Hey, Chuck. Heard any good jokes lately?"
Chuck: "B, I'm more mature than that. What do I care about some shit you wrote in your diary a year ago? We've had some really intense and honest conversations since then."
Blair: "Exactly! Thank you. Nobody seems to get that, even though it's obvious."
Chuck: "Oh, I'm not done. Are we back in love? Have you dumped Dan yet? Because I'm moving on with my life otherwise."
Blair: "Um. I have not broken up with Dan. At this time."
Chuck: "Then this isn't exactly an ultimatum, is it?"

Dan text: This is what an ultimatum looks like. If you don't show up at the Shepherd Divorce Party and say the exact words in the exact order that I've been whining about for weeks now, I will take somebody's virginity at the top of the Empire State Building.

PENELOPE LOOKS

Absolutely stunning. She's headed out for the Shepherd Party, either because Blair fired her from Serena Recon duty or because that's part of her cover story, but either way it doesn't matter, because Serena buys her out from under Blair with an offer she can't refuse: Serena, Penny and the rest of the Minions are going to take Blair the fuck out.

It won't give S a home, but then she doesn't need one anymore. Just a cave with a cauldron and Internet access. As much as I was sorta dreading how this would all go down, I admit I'm impressed. They so quickly rerouted this storyline from "one small detail about Dair" to "everything everybody did" that it couldn't be less about Dan, just as I hoped. And the issue of blame, too, is instantly gone now that everyone's nuclear all of a sudden. We are all sons of bitches now. Serena Plan!

SHEPHERD

Penelope Text: "Keeping Blair home while you do horrible things. Serena Plan!"
Serena: "Dan! I hope you don't read Gossip Girl right now while I'm standing here..."
Dan: "She was just Spotted at the Empire? Man."
Serena: "She's probably just reiterating that she and Chuck are broke up for good. PS, this is what my unconvincing lie face looks like. Serena Plan!"

Then something marblemouthed that I bet is a very funny line, but even after listening to it six times still sounds like, "Come on, let's galoonytunesy alimony while we wait."

EMPIRE

Bart: "Hey, I just happened to pick up your engagement ring that you got killed for. I was there buying Lily a present to celebrate our annulment."
Lily: "Hey guys! I'm here to complicate everything."
Chuck: "Cool, I will just Gollum about this engagement ring for a while."
Minion: "And I will take a picture of you doing that. Serena Plan!"

WALDORF

Eleanor: "Despite my best efforts, and those of this show for the past two years, you have turned out pretty awesome at the last second."
Blair: "We are headed for a reckoning!"
Eleanor: "You think you're Jane Austen again, huh?"
Blair: "I'm growing out of drama, for real. It's a legit question, though. I like Dan for so many reasons, like he doesn't hit me or sell me for things. And then I also like Chuck, who hasn't done those things either. It's a morass! A reckoning, I say again, is nigh!"
Eleanor: "Which kind of love is better? Perfect In-Your-Head Love, or Mindless Self-Destructive Passion Love? Dawson or Pacey? Angel or Spike?"
Blair: "If only they were a single entity, or I made better choices. If only I'd never seen The Philadelphia Story."

Eleanor: "You are a Powerful Woman. You forgot it, but we didn't. How would you like to be my CEO at Waldorf Designs?"
Blair: "Wait, for real? Because I believe in fashion, you know that I do."
Eleanor: "Then I'm retiring, and you can just hire a great designer as your first job."

Penelope, suddenly: "Hey guys, what's going on?"
Eleanor: "You are being rude, asshole."
Penelope: "Well, just to delay, I should tell you that Serena is wearing a very similar outfit to the Shepherd Divorce. Serena Plan!"

SHEPHERD

Dan: "I am woozy! You sure do know a lot of drinking games."
Serena: "Baby, by the time this night's over I'll have committed another murder. Serena Plan!"
Dan: "I should drunk-text Blair while I can still spell."
Serena: "No! It'll ruin the romance of her showing up some time in the future, like you demanded she do or else."
Gossip Girl: "Here is a picture of Chuck Golluming out about his engagement ring."
Serena: "That is crazy."
Dan: "Maybe I'm blowing this out of proportion and without context, like always."
Serena: "Or else they are going to get married and you'll look like an asshole."
Random Waitress: "Here is a thing of drinks all over your clothes!"
Serena: "We'd better go somewhere mysterious and take off these wet clothes. It's a bar that's identical to the one in the Apartment where I fucked Nate."

Eleanor: "Still here, bitch?"
Penelope: "Where's Blair?"
Eleanor: "She left through Serena's room to avoid you. She's a Powerful Woman, you idiot. She can spot a Serena Plan a mile away, especially when it depends on Being Places."
Penelope: "Serena does tend to underestimate other people's ability to do that."

INSIDE

Penelope texts Serena with the bad news, that Blair's on her way just as Dan childishly demanded, so Serena shifts her game into Ultra Hardcore Mode.

Serena: "Can you unzip my dress? When you show a little skin it reminds boys of being naked, and then they think of sex."
Dan: "Not subtle, but not wrong either. [Babble.] Anyway, I can't imagine that she would do something like agree to marry Chuck without telling me first."
Serena: "True, but I'm going to disagree on a technicality. We're like best friends, right? So listen when I tell you that Blair is a bitch and I've been watching her mistreat you all season."
Dan: "That's one way to contextualize things, I guess. But Blair isn't really that person..."
Serena: "She is exactly that person. We've both been thinking she'd changed, but -- at least for you -- that's because you've gotten her confused with Clair from Inside. Maybe she has too. The important thing is that you're a hipster boy who falls in love with your fantasies about women and not the women themselves."
Dan: "True enough."
Serena: "Hey, I should know. And anyway, I guess I'm feeling the champagne and the nudity right now, because it's making me say that Blair's scheming ass probably only ever dated you because she knew that I was still in love with you."
Dan: "Right words, wrong lady. Or is it?"

Serena kisses him, and they stare at each other, and there's just a lot going on right now. Stories within stories within stories: She's not exactly lying, but she's not at all telling the truth either. Blair put their mutual jealousy back on the table, which was a really uncool move, but then also justifiable from her perspective given that things with Dan are already so tenuous and Dan is trying to force the issue in such a Dan way. And she's being honest with her feelings, which Imaginary Clair still won't do, and she still hasn't shown up, so it's probably going to be a bloodbath. If only Georgina were here to help Serena kill some dudes once we're done here.

EMPIRE

Lily: "Bart, I don't mean to keep you from your press conference but I wanted to talk to you about annulment papers. I admit they were kind of a shock."
Sneaky Bart: "I mean, I assumed Rufus was on the up-and-up when he brought them to me, so I signed them. Your happiness being so important to me, who respects you."
Lily: "That sly motherfucker. Let me tell you a thing or two about Rufus Hum..."
Rufus: "-- It is I! Rufus Humphrey! All-time hypocrite! How dare you two share a drink before a big event!"
Bart: "Heh. My work here is done. I just wish I could watch you guys fight about this, but I have to go rise from the dead now."

Lily: "So you snuck around and got him to agree to end our marriage? And for what, like we're doing so hot? We haven't spoken in weeks, you make me feel like an asshole as like your primary preoccupation, and now you're making decisions for me like this?"
Rufus: "I just worried he would manipulate you into staying married to him, so I decided to solve things the Humphrey Way."
Lily: "Surprise! He signed the papers. Which I am now tearing up."

I had this irrational desire that she would ball them up and shove them in Rufus's mouth and he would choke on them. How weird. What's even weirder is, it seems like this is exactly how Bart wanted things to go down: Like Solomon cutting the baby in half, only Bart Bass is himself the baby. That takes confidence, my friend.

SCARY MONTAGE

Bart takes the podium, after a sweet introduction from his son; Dan and Serena fuck on the bar at the Shepherd divorce; Blair's in a car -- going where? -- to tell her final choice who she wants. Who will it be? I hope we don't have to wait too...

Ah. Blair arrives -- at the press conference! -- just in time to see Bart assume control of Bass Industries, and watch Chuck's whole lovely face just fall apart. Goodness.

I mean, I don't want Dan or Chuck to be unhappy, exactly, but everything is happening in such a scummy way that the surprise -- Blair seems to have actually chosen Chuck -- is buried under a lot of different feelings. You know? The trick to moving your chess pieces around is to do so much, so quickly and simultaneously, and with so much meaning behind every move, that you stop even seeing it as chesspiece-moving. I was thinking at the beginning of the episode that it would really benefit from a Sixties-style splitscreen situation, which was in vogue for a while with TV directors and then went away again, but I feel like I'm going nuts just because it's all happening: What if it was really all happening?

UPSTAIRS @ EMPIRE

Chuck: "So you took away my business? This is our new family partnership?"
Bart: "I am making the right call. My death meant a child inherited my company."
Chuck: "Which is thriving, thanks to me. And no thanks to your widow, or the Thorpes."
Bart: "I'm going to awkwardly make this about Blair somehow now."
Chuck: "Give it a shot."

Swing and a miss, but it's a soap opera so it makes sense to do this, but his final point actually is valid to the discussion:

Bart: "Not to mention going nearly bankrupt buying out her marriage from the Grimaldis. The engagement ring was just the final test, and you took it."
Chuck: "You handed it to me and encouraged me to make gestures. And I didn't even make the gestures! She dropped by twice today in the middle of her other storyline, that's it! I was too busy being a good son and not even waiting for this obvious other shoe to drop!"
Bart: "That was dumb, wasn't it. I'm the worst."

Bart very carefully rescinds every approving statement and loving thing he's done and said since returning from the dead -- for which he no longer thanks Chuck -- and even makes fun of the Empire before he's done. Final score, Chuck is still a boy and not a man, and only a Real Man can run Bass Industries.

(Which, of course, Chuck freely gave to Lily back when he bought the Empire originally -- and in fact was an entire year of his storyline, how he no longer wanted to impress a dead man and was more interested in building his own empire/Empire -- but I can see how now it would sting at this point. The Thorpe storyline alone probably would have made him care about Bass Industries again, even though it did none such for anybody else on earth.)

APRÈS SHEPHERD SEX

Dan: "Well, that was surprising."
Serena: "Was it, though? Really?"
Dan: "I guess not. Hey, how come your phone was recording us fucking just now?"
Serena: "Weird!"
Dan: "Oh, and here's a text from Penelope about how she was delaying Blair so I would fuck you..."
Serena: "You're acting like I had a plan!"
Dan: "Oh my God, were you going to put our sex tape on Gossip Girl?"
Serena: "Um..."
Dan: "You are the absolute worst person in the universe."
Serena, brandishing text from Kati: "See, but she really did choose Chuck! Look at this text!"
Dan: "No seriously, you are super gross."
Serena: "...I know."

EMPIRE ROOFTOP

And the shocks keep coming! Man, this is twisty.

Blair: "Hey, Chuck. Sorry about your dad's latest bullshit."
Chuck: "I don't need your pity, Waldorf."
Blair: "No, see, I came here to tell you that I'm in love with you. I choose you."
Chuck: "That's the problem. I lost my life, again, because I choose you. I always put you first, and you always bet against me. Prince Louis, Dan Fucking Humphrey..."
Blair: "No, but I get it now! I'm Powerful now! I have Waldorf Designs, we can run that..."
Chuck: "The only reason Waldorf Designs exists is because I gave up my future to save it."
Blair: "So I would guess you have a vested interest, then..."
Chuck: "No. Every word out of my dad's mouth has defined the person I am. It's just how I roll. Serena's daddy issues are nothing -- nothing -- compared to mine."
Blair: "We can have a life."
Chuck: "That's not a life. That's Mr. Blair Waldorf. And I'm Chuck Bass."

Good Lord. I mean, it's well set up, it's all tracking in a neat way, but dang. Seems like somebody's been watching the show, all of a sudden. Interesting, isn't it? You can't help but, with a finale, see where all the pieces are going to fit. And at this point, with both presumed season-ending couples in a hell of their own devising... I mean, what if everybody just spontaneously turned back into people at this point? How great would that be?

A WEEK LATER

Chuck: "I am going to partner up with Uncle Jack and take Bart out at the knees. It's a deal with the devil, but I know we can get back what he stole."
Nate: "What a fun storyline! What will I be up to?"
Lola: "I'm still going on tour. So I guess it's just you and The Spectator."
Nate: "Aw, man. Still?"
Lola: "Also, in keeping with how I am the worst, I have donated Carol's half of the Rhodes estate to..."

PRADA

Lily: "Thanks for getting an annulment, Rufus. I am really happy to not be married to you anymore."
Rufus: "I have no convictions, so okay."

Bart: "How are you doing with all this?"
Lily: "I look forward to being the trophy rather than the tropher."

God's in his heaven, and everything is right with the world. Now all we need is for Rufus to go on a long drive with an ice cream sandwich, and things will be perfect.

DUMBO

Serena: "Hey, I guess I've been wandering the streets for the last week. Can I use your shower?"
Dan: "I am too busy deleting every email Blair's sent me this week and packing for Rome, to even give you a proper dressing-down."
Serena: "We were both there! We both chose to do each other!"
Dan: "I was feeling sorry for myself, you were trying to destroy your best friend. Both gross reasons, but to compare is not to equate. As far as I'm concerned, our parents' divorce means I never have to see you again. Farewell."
Serena: "But I love you!"
Dan: "I said Farewell!"

Serena, outside: "Mysterious person, we must scheme. I have lost everything, even more so than this season has already set up -- pretty delicately, in hindsight, insofar as my desperation came off as more than just a plot device by the end -- and I am ready to go twice as crazy."

CHARLIES

Lola: "Are you happy to accept my unlikely charity?"
Ivy: "I'm cool with whatever."
Lola: "I mean, CeCe left you twice this amount originally, so..."
Ivy: "That's a good point. Hey, do you need anything? Like money to live on?"
Lola: "No, I just need you to take down Lily for presumably sabotaging my mom's defense."
Ivy: "To be honest, Lily has finally pissed me off enough that I'm down for that. Aren't you all about how you don't want to become like them? Isn't that why you're giving this money away?"
Lola: "I'm not. You are."

Which is kind of lovely, isn't it? Lola didn't ask for any of this, and even if she's not going to be a Rhodes power player she's still a van der Woodsen, so she's fine either way. And Ivy, poor Ivy. All she ever wanted was to be a Rhodes, and now she might as well be one, and there's nothing Lily can say about it. And Lily? Well, she's been asking for an ass-kicking all season, and now that she's back with Bart and Charles where she belongs...

PARIS

Eleanor: "Why do you keep sighing? Are you sad about ditching Serena without a word? Or about leaving Dan behind? Or whatever Chuck shit?"
Blair: "Trust me, I'm just happy. Serena can go fuck herself, Chuck can go fuck himself, and Dan's been ignoring me all week. There's nowhere else I'd rather be than where I am. Thanks to Chuck's money, I mean."

Yay! Powerful Woman. The shape of things is looking better all the time...

MONTAGE

Jack and Chuck are counting cards in some casino, maybe in Monaco? So that's a sensible plan, I guess. Jack's a card-counter.

Over at the Empire, Diana sends Nate a thumb drive with footage of the real Gossip Girl stealing Serena's laptop at the India Sex Party, and it would seem to be ... A?

MOST DELICIOUSLY

Dan has done a full face-heel: He's joined in a towncar by Miss Georgina Sparks herself for some crackling dialogue and a free trip to Rome.

Georgina: "You're lucky you're on my free pass list, otherwise Phillip might've put up a fuss..."
Daniel: "This invitation isn't about seduction, Georgina, it's about scandal."
Georgina: "Can't a girl have both?"
Daniel: "I need your photographic memory and your passion for social upheaval to help me write the book about the Upper East Side. The book I should've written from the beginning."
Georgina: "Nothing like a scorned lover to scorch the earth. I can hardly wait."

Dan: "You always seem like the only person who understands what show we're on."

AND SERENA?

Well, she's back on the train... And fucking randoms for coke! Trainwreck on a train, holla! His name's Steve, but she don't care, she just wants to party. I'd watch your ass, Steve. You probably won't live for long.

BASS BOYS

Back at the casino, Jack produces... Blair? Looking glamorous as all hell.

Blair: "You fought for me all year. I've come to fight for you."
Dealer: "You all in?"
Blair: "You bet your ass. And I'll bet mine."

I buy in. I buy it all. Serena going full-on Leaving Las Vegas, Blair determining she can have her company and her Chuck too, Lily and Bart, and even Dan's new twist toward notoriety. It seems inevitable -- and not, for once, because the plot requires that people act stupid to justify the story. Blair making choices is a good thing, even if I don't love the choices she's making. It seems authentic to me, anyway. And if it pisses off shippers, which I am sure it will, so much the better. So Blair sits, and bets on them again, and Chuck stares, and she graces him with the sweetest smile on Planet Earth, and I'll see you in a few months. XOXO.

JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Gossip Girl, True Blood, Pretty Little Liars and True Blood for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, most recently A Friday Night Lights Companion and Fringe Science. ]]> tag:www.televisionwithoutpity.com,2012://2.44332 2012-05-15T13:20:00Z 2012-05-15T13:21:23Z

She is grateful, however and she hopes to meet someone to marry and have children with and who can be a father figure for her current moppet, who is the most important thing in her life. She tells us about how her baby daddy was in a plane crash, and it was the worst thing that ever happened to her, right before she found out she was pregnant.

She makes pancakes for her daughter and drives a van full of girls and enforces rules like "No potty talk!" which makes everyone giggle. She wants a family and wants to be a wife and wants a husband and other things that require no accomplishment of her own to achieve. She's lonely and misses getting boned on the reg (and also love, which is how she puts it).

We watch her meeting Brad Womack, and reflect again on the sad subtext of Emily, which is that we all assume that, when someone looks the way Emily looks and is still single, then there must be something seriously wrong with Emily. Which is unfair, especially since we all know that next to "douchebag" in the dictionary is a picture of Brad Womack, but there it is. We watch her tear up as Chris Harrison forces her to reveal that they're not engaged anymore, despite her high expectations.

But apparently he taught her how to love again or some ridiculous bullshit. And after all this, after a kid who is I think older than Doogie Howser in medical school, and two engagements, she is still only 26 and looks like she should be immortalized in frescoes by Italian Renaissance masters, and she hopes to meet the person with whom she will spend the rest of her life. In the meantime, she will ride a horse, which works wonders for a lot of women, I imagine.

Chris Harrison welcomes us all to the new season and tells us that few women have left us with the kind of impression that Emily Maynard did, and everybody hoped she'd actually get married, but given that The Bachelor/ette has a success rate approaching zero percent, statistically speaking, heartbreak was assured as soon as she decided to be on the show. But this is a new journey, starting in her hometown of Charlotte, North Carolina. And "all of America" -- Harrison's words, and no one else's -- is hoping she finds true love.

Now, let's meet this season's assholes! There's Kalon, who brags about the money in his pocket, and how he can wine and dine and luckily for everyone, FCC decency rules, not to mention everyday decorum, prevent him from finishing that rhyme. He is a "luxury brand consultant," which is the kind of job that makes people with real jobs hate people like Kalon, who, at 27, is old enough to know what a waste of oxygen he is. He appears to have come to some kind of realization about what an obnoxious womanizer he is, and how he has to have some sort of drastic change, but he hasn't made enough of a change that he has some sort of job other than "luxury brand consultant" yet. He plays tennis!

There's Ryan Bowers who played pro football and lives in places where churches and covered bridges stand in for values and character traits. He works with kids to help them flip over tires and be the best at whatever, and he thinks Emily's inner beauty pours out of her, which I imagine would be just as meaningful to him if she didn't look like a twelve on a scale of one to ten.

Then there is a guy from Beaverton, so I have to stop typing for fear of making the most vulgar jokes imaginable. He's a father of a five-year-old, which is the best thing that's ever happened to him, apparently. He got married, but found out his wife was seeing someone else, and now he's a single dad wookin' pa nub, and then he makes a "who's got two thumbs and..." joke, so fuck the guy from Beaverton.

There is real estate consultant Lerone from L.A. who is a family man who does pull-ups and pretends that the fact Emily has already had a kid is one of the most attractive things about her.

And here is David, a singer-songwriter from New York. To him, writing songs is like walking, and we watch him hammer on a keyboard and yelling "Emily!" and it's like that old SNL sketch where Dana Carvey sings about choppin' broccoli because he doesn't have anything else for his record label. Except comparatively speaking Dana Carvey's character is John Lennon next to this guy. He uses words like "disparate" and "converge" and is filmed half in shadow because he's so artistic.

Charlie is a "recruiter" from Nashville and he tells us he comes from a perfect family, although I think that's one of those adjectives that it's not OK for you to apply yourself. He was in an accident that kinda sounds like the worst-case scenario for a second-story balcony collapse: broken ribs, fractured spine and brain injury. His recovery process made him think about the things that are really important, like huge honkin' watches and finding love with Emily. He actually says, "I may have had a head injury, but there's nothing wrong with my heart," I SWEAR TO GOD HE SAYS THOSE WORDS.

Speaking of head injuries, there is a guy named "Jef" with one F who is riding a skateboard without a helmet and he is from Salt Lake City and let's all agree that we all want to beat "Jef" up. Since this is but a recap, all I can do is commit to putting "Jef" in quotation marks for as long he appears on this show. He says people rarely take him seriously because of the way he dresses and acts, and fails to consider that they fail to take him seriously because he is a massive tool. He's the CEO of a bottled water company, and we're supposed to be impressed by his charitable giving instead of outraged by the gross unnecessariness of a bottled-water company. He says he's different from buckled-down business owners, because he wants to enjoy life, and I guess other people hope to be miserable? In which case they're probably watching this show.

You knew there had to be at least one racecar driver. His name is Arie, and he's from Scottsdale. He pretends to be worried about the fact that Emily's fiancé was a racecar driver instead of acknowledging that this is a storyline that guarantees him camera time.

We're done meeting the assholes who will be competing for Emily's time, and will now spend a hundred hours watching Emily and her daughter put on makeup, and then Chris Harrison tells us the night we've all been dreading is finally here: the night where Emily gets pimped out to twenty-five guys who are willing to confuse fleeting fame for love.

Emily steps out of a limousine, looking amazing, and says, "This is so crazy," like all of this is an accident. She says she's excited to meet the guys, and Chris "Buzzkill" Harrison makes him sit down with her and she says "I know, right?" for no good reason other than to start the Emily de-process in earnest.

Good for Emily! She's game to play along and pretend that she could meet her husband tonight. Like that ever happens! She says it's scary to put herself back out there, and she fell in love hard with Brad. And hey, did you know her first fiancé died in a plane crash? Why haven't they brought it up fifty million times already? Emily says she wants to move on from that, and I really, really, really hope that's true, but somehow I doubt this is the last we'll be hearing about it. She says she's finally at a point where the fact that her daughter is a reminder of her former fiancé is a good thing, and she also tells us that she's hugely protective of her daughter. I mean, at least as protective as you can be while still displaying her on television to evoke sympathy for her and yourself from millions of people, I suppose.

Harrison asks her what things look like for her, and she says it's a minivan full of babies. Gentlemen, you've been warned. "Let's not open with that speech for the guys," Harrison advises her.

After a commercial break, Emily is ready to meet this seasons' twenty-five assholes, but not without a brief panic attack. Finally she's ready. Harrison wishes her luck, and then says, "Let the journey begin."

Here come the limos! First up: Sean, 28, an insurance agent from Dallas, who hugs her a couple of times and moves on. David, the songwriter, is next, who tells her he's glad she's the Bachelorette. Doug, a charity director/ Realtor from Seattle asks if it's OK if he's a hugger. Shut up, Doug. He has an 11-year-old son that he thinks is his ticket to bonding with Emily.

Jackson, 29, from Lockport, Ill., is a fitness model -- good god, is it too late to back out of this recapping gig? He gets down on his knees to spout some bullshit about moments that take our breath away. Then there is Joe, 27, a "field energy advisor," whatever that is, from L.A. who reacts to Emily the exact same way you assume he responds when he sees one of his frat buddies.

Then comes Arie the racecar driver, who elects not to mention his occupation when he meets her. Kyle, 29, a financial advisor from Long Beach, tells her she looks absolutely stunning. She does, too; Emily could be the best-looking Bachelorette yet, and I'm not sure it's even close. He says he's in awe, and she praises his turquoise tie. In comes, Chris, 25, a corporate sales director (as opposed to one of those amateur sales directors) from Chicago, who says he feels truly blessed to be standing there with her. He relays some family wisdom on love and mentions God again, so I guess he's the religious one. Not sure how any of this squares with the Bible, but as long as it's only men coming out of the limousine, we're probably safe. We are in North "marry your cousin, not your gay partner" Carolina, after all.

Next up: Aaron, a biology teacher from Long Beach who is as old as I am, meaning he is ancient by this show's standards. He kisses her hand and makes an awful joke about how he hopes to have chemistry with her. He'll be gone by the end of the night.

Alessandro is a 30-year-old grain merchant who seems surprised that she's real. Perhaps he'll confer with the village blacksmith over the best way to woo her. He's from Brazil originally, and there's some awkward Spanish speaking.

New limo! "Jef" the entrepreneur rides on the back of it with his skateboard and then tosses it into the bushes because he is officially trying too hard. Lerone is next. He repeats his bullshit about how her single momness is one of the most attractive things about her. Stevie is a "Party MC" and he is carrying a little portable stereo and that's all I can handle from Stevie. Then there's Charlie the recruiter, who comes off endearingly goofy, especially after the party MC is done party-MCing.

And here comes Tony, the lumber trader from Beaverton, with a slipper on a pillow, and he identifies himself as "Prince Charming," and he asks her to try on the shoe, and she agrees because she believes in "love and fabulous" shoes, and the shoe fits, which is as good a reason on this show to get married as any I've ever heard.

Jesus, aren't we done with the guys yet? Here's someone pretending to be an old woman with a cane. That would be Randy, 30, a marketing manager from Hermosa Beach. Maybe we could get a little more affected? Is there maybe a falconer in this limo? Here comes Nate, 25, an accountant from Los Angeles. Is it me or do the ones with actual jobs just seem immediately better? Quick hug and a compliment, he's in and out, and earns a "so cute" from Emily. Here is Brent, 41, a technology salesman from Fresno. By the time Emily is 41, she plans to be a grandmother, so watch yourself, Brent.

Next up is John, a "data destruction specialist" from St. Louis. "All my good friends call me 'Wolf,'" he says. I think the fact that this might be true and that this is what he tells Emily is pretty much all you need to know to size this guy up.

Travis, 30, an advertising sales rep from Mississippi, is carrying a large plastic egg. He's sweaty! He says the egg is a symbol of beautiful people like Emily and her daughter, and he will look after the egg like he would look after them, and I think we're only going to have to concern ourselves with this guy for another forty-five minutes or so, although we get to watch him try to explain the egg to the douchebags who have already arrived, one of whom asks, "Are you for real?"

What? ANOTHER limo? I don't want to be here all night! Michael, 26, is a rehab counselor from Austin. He gives her a guitar pick because he has long hair and is a rocker, I suppose. Jean-Paul, 35, is a marine biologist from Seattle who asks how she's holding up. He says he's excited about this because he doesn't know very much about her, which doesn't make a ton of sense to me.

Oh hell no. We have an Alessandro and an Alejandro? The latter is a 24-year-old mushroom farmer from San Francisco. He's from, according to the show, a place called "Columbia." I wonder if it's anything like Colombia? He speaks Spanish to her that is much more advanced than hers; she's barely able to say what her name is, which anyone can do after one episode of Handy Manny.

Ryan, 31, is a pro sports trainer from Augusta who says she looks amazing. He wrote some notes down, but it's a pretense to hold up a piece of paper that says, "You are beautiful" on it.

And now a helicopter is landing, causing consternation among the men (as well as for Emily). Speculation runs rampant as to who it could be. Is it Brad? "Whoever this is, we're all gonna hate him," says one of the bachelors. Since it turns out to be Kalon, the "luxury brand consultant," that's likely true. The other men watch jealously as he strides across the grounds towards Emily and facetiously apologizes for being late. Then he strolls into the house and acts the big man as he talks about seeing them all having a little party as he flew in.

Anyway, that's it, although I'm not sure where these "twenty-five incredible men" are that Chris Harrison mentions to Emily as he reminds her about the first-impression rose. And now it's time for her to mingle with the men, who appear to be talking only about how a) how beautiful she is and b) seriously, I knew she was beautiful, but then I saw her in person, dude.

She welcomes them all to Charlotte and says "golly" and "y'all" and thanks them all for being here, telling them that it wasn't long ago that she was in the same position they're in.

Painful scenes of small talk ensue. Wait, does the 41-year-old ACTUALLY have six kids? Chris the corporate sales director has a bobblehead of himself, because of course he does. He also has one of her, which is totally sweet and not all creepy and weird or anything! Emily decides this weirdo is "super-hot" and super thoughtful, so I give up. And now everyone is making fun of Travis's ostrich egg, which he tries to tell us is better than coming in on a helicopter and being "super ritzy," although the distinctions are lost on me.

"Jef" tells her that Emily, having gone through the shit she has, deserves the best. At the very least, she deserves someone who can spell "Jeff" correctly. She tells us he made a great first impression, because he's "super-cool" and she hopes he thinks she's cool too. Too bad that by the time you're 26 and already have a kid you're not beyond hoping some douchebag who takes his grooming cues from A Night in the Life of Jimmy Reardon thinks you're cool.

Doug is hoping that the fact they're both parents provides some common ground. Because if there's anything parents love, it's being seen as a parent first, person second! He asks how her daughter is, and she's with a babysitter. He says his son wrote her a note, that he makes her read. The kid's name is Austin, and he's almost 12 years old, and if he's seen Emily he's probably a little more interested in starring in his own Time magazine cover with her than helping his dad score, but the note says his dad is awesome because he tucks him in every night. I think by that age I was resolutely against parental tucking. She says the note makes her want to cry, and tells us the fact that Doug is a single parent makes her think Doug knows what's gone through.

And now here comes Chris Harrison to crash the party with the first impression rose, prompting a lot of boring blah-blah from the men who are worried they haven't had enough one-on-one time to be kept on.

And now there is some griping among the men about Kalon's arsehole-ish helicopter entrance, and Kalon tells Emily, essentially, that he hopes his helicopter landing doesn't blind her to what an awesome dude he is. There's a tense standoff between him and Sean when Sean shows up to steal Emily away for some one-on-one time, leading to awkwardness when one of the other guys talks some shit about what an asshole Kalon is.

And here's Arie, wondering when the best time is to launch the storyline about Emily dealing with him being a racecar driver. I'm sure that, whatever happens, this show will treat Arie's profession with the decorum and sensitivity that it deserves. She seems a little surprised when he tells her what he does, and he asks her flat-out if she's OK with it. After some hesitation, she tells him she is, mainly because it's the only sport she knows anything about, and also "He'd be hot in a racecar." Glad to see she's got a handle on what's important.

Then she pulls Doug aside to tell him about the sweet letter from his son and how Doug made her feel very comfortable, and she wants to give him the first impression rose. This seems to meet with approval among the rest of the men (as long as "Helicopter Guy" doesn't get it), because we all know it's important for the rest of the contestants to like you, right? Kalon figures he'll get a rose anyway so he's not sweating it. Chris, however, seems a little put out that he wasn't chosen.

Hooray! The first Rose Ceremony! This is always my favorite part: shithead elimination. So who's getting roses? Before we find out, Emily has to blather on about feelings and expectations and being hopeful and, I don't know, probably some shit about love.

The roses: Chris. Ryan. Kalon (aw, goddammit). Arie. Charlie. "Jef" (double goddammit). Nate. Sean. Joe. Kyle. Aaron. I've already forgotten who some of these guys are. Alejandro. John. Alessandro. Michael. Stevie (this is the "party MC" who was talking the most shit about Kalon the Helicopter Boy). Tony. There was a Tony? Harrison comes out to tell everyone that the last rose IS THE LAST ROSE, and it goes to Travis, who almost faints in relief. Goodbye, everyone else! That means you, token non-white guy!

The rejected bachelors line up to hug Emily and wish her well. The 41-year-old says his six kids will be sad, because I suppose they want him to father a few more so they can field a full baseball team. He gets a little choked up as he contemplates the probability of his finding love at his age with six kids, which kinda bums me out.

Emily tells the survivors that she couldn't be more excited about the group that remains, and she toasts finding love in Charlotte, which makes the guys go "woo" and makes me really, really sad, a feeling that the "this season on The Bachelorette" scenes do nothing to dissipate.

Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. Remind him why he does this again? Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.

Previously, on The Vampire Diaries, Stefan loves Elena, but knows she has feelings for Damon. Elena makes out with Damon. Esther lets loose her inner Eloise Hawking, and turns beloved history teacher/guardian/souse Alaric into hateful temporary Original vampire-vampire slayer, Vamparic. Once Elena dies, Vamparic will die. Klaus turned Tyler and he also claims to be the originator of the Salvatore vampire bloodline, which includes Caroline, as well as Bonnie's useless mother -- Abby Abandoner. Bonnie wants to desiccate Vamparic, but ends up desiccating Klaus, which gives us Desikklaus, but before Klaus is desiccated, he drains Elena of nearly all her blood. When the Salvatores ride to the rescue, Elena gets caught in their Klaus kerfuffle. She hits her head and is knocked out. Stefan and Damon set out on a road trip to dump Desikklaus in the Atlantic. At home, late at night, Elena passes out and is bleeding from the nose, which seldom ends well.

Gilbert Gables: Elena's alarm goes off at 6:45 AM. The clock is sitting atop a book. One reader thought the title reads Our Love Will Live Forever. I can't tell what the title is, because the stupid CW has an even stupider "Game On! CWINGO" graphic over the second half. The words I can see read: Our Love Is..., so gentle reader, you're close enough. It's certainly something schlocky, and likely telegraphs Elena's choice.

Elena springs out of bed, cranks up the radio, and bops to P!nk's "So What." That's right, girl. You are a rock star. Smiling at her pretty self in the mirror, she gathers her hair into a ponytail. She picks up her pompoms (not a euphemism) and tosses them across the room. They land on the window seat, where waits not her oh so emo diary, but rather, her cheering uniform. Clearly, this is a flashback, so please give us some Aunt Jenna. Please. Please. Please!

When Elena comes downstairs, she's wearing her uniform and YES Jenna is in the kitchen! Elena whispers to her, "Jeremy locked himself in the bathroom, again. Does he think we don't know what he's doing in there?" Oh yuck, Show. C'mon. Be better than that. Jenna smiles. "He's 14. They don't think." All right, I don't want to hear about anyone's um... private time, and I really don't want to think about a 14 year old kid's private time. Let's just decide he's popping zits and start a new paragraph.

When Elena grabs the coffee pot, Jenna stops her. "You'll get me in trouble with your..." Oh no. Am I going to start crying this soon? Darn you, Julie Plec. You could have warned me that I would need wine, rather than Arizona Iced Tea. Yep. Here come the tears, because here comes Elena's mom -- not her blood sucking bio-mom, Isobel, either. It's her real mom -- real as in: changed the poopy diapers; did the 2:00 AM feedings; kissed the boo-boos; hugged away the tears. It's Miranda Sommers Gilbert (played by Erin Beute). Miranda grabs her baby girl's face, kisses her good morning and tucks stray hairs behind Elena's ears. Elena says, "Good morning, mom." I cry. We cut to...

Mystic Falls Hospital. Elena wakes in a dark room. She hears the monitor beeping and notices the pulse-oximeter on her left index finger. Go back to sleep, Elena. Go back to sleep and dream about your auntie and mommy, and don't have the day I know you're about to have. She ignores me and moves as if she's about to sit up. The title card flashes on the screen to spare me. And then it's gone.

We're looking at Elena through a window now. Out in the hospital corridor, Dr. Meredith Fell assures Jeremy that his big sister is going to be fine, which is our third clue she's never going to be fine, ever again (the second being that vampire-blood-dosing Mere is her doctor, and the first being that this is the third season finale of The Vampire Diaries). "She got a little banged up today -- hit her head, but it was just a slight concussion. Nothing to worry about." Don't you believe her, Germ! When you're not stoned, you're not stupid. You must have seen Elena bleeding from the nose. That is not a slight concussion. Jeremy: "But she collapsed. There was blood." Oh my word, is he listening to me? If so, does that mean I'm a ghost? Well, never mind. He's not going to heed me, if Meredith can help it. "Honestly, Jeremy, she's okay. She's just -- she's been through a lot. Is there anyone you want to call?" No, there's no one he wants to call, so we cut to...

Stefan and Damon are still en route to dumping Desikklaus, when Jeremy calls them. They berate him for taking Elena to the hospital where she'll be a sitting duck. They say he should have called on the "parade" of vampires at his disposal. Of course, there really isn't a parade of vampires at Jeremy's disposal, because you two jackholes are on the road, and as you mentioned every remaining Original wants Elena dead. There's Tyler and there's Caroline. Yes, Jeremy should have called Caroline, because she makes everything better, always, but I bet her phone is off, now that Tyler is no longer sire-bound. Just sayin'... They give Jeremy his marching orders: "Get Elena home." They're on their way.

When they end the call, Damon asks Stefan, "Have I told you lately how much I appreciate you not being the dumbest brother on earth?" Um, you boys know I love you, right? Good, because right now, I hate your blood-sucking guts. Firstly, most of the fallout you've dealt with this season is because Stefan chose to become Klaus's Ripper-bitch, to save Damon's already overly long life, and then once he was free of the Klaus thrall, he decided to torment the psychopath. Secondly, you two knew Elena suffered severe blood loss. You saw her hit her head and get knocked out. You then left her on her porch and went on your stupid road trip, instead of grabbing Matt and Jeremy and asking them to help you store Desikklaus in the No Vampires Allowed Cave. You are not nearly the strategists you think you are.

Stefan says one of them has to keep moving and hide Desikklaus from Vamparic, just in case Klaus sired their bloodline. I must have woken up all Xander-y today because right now I just want to take a stand and say vampires are bad, even these pretty ones. Our little human girl, Elena, is willing to die for her friends, but when she's arguably most vulnerable, they're more worried about protecting their bloodline than they are about this injured girl they profess to love -- one who is, by their own admission, target numero uno to the most powerful vampire clan known to this sorry old world. [Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. --Jesus] I am standing firmly with Team Human, this week. If you don't like it, bite me. Anyhow, Damon tells Stefan, "Our life is one big proverbial coin toss." Well, if a coin toss was good enough for Abby Abandoner, then it's more than good enough for you two. That's how mad I am at you boys. That's exactly how mad I am.

Hospital. Meredith returns to her office to find Vamparic waiting. He's there for Elena. Now that he's calling the shots at the Council, he has eyes and ears all over the place. He tells Meredith she's a little too good at her job, but only because she cheats. And with that, he takes her small stash of healing vampire blood and pours it out. It spills on the papers all over her desk. He also informs Mere that the Council is going to get the Medical Board to suspend her medical license, and that Mayor Lockwood and Sheriff Forbes are being relieved of their duties. He claims status as Elena's guardian and demands Mere release the girl to his custody. I'd go on about how she's an 18-year-old, and therefore probably not under his guardianship, but it doesn't matter. When Vamparic gets to Elena's room, she's already gone.

Matt, Tyler and Caroline see Elena home. The boys make sure no one is lurking in the closets while Caroline enforces doctor's orders and insists Elena rest on the couch. Given their relative strength, Caroline should be the one searching for things that go bump in the night while Matt should be playing doctor. Whatever. Care Bear offers Elena tea, vodka or a combo. Um, really kids, the booze is not the best idea. Elena isn't having muscle spasms. As far as you know, she has a concussion, and since that diagnosis comes from Mere, it should immediately be upgraded in your minds to subdural hematoma. And then there's her blood loss. Caroline, while you win at vampyrism and practically everything else, you fail at playing nurse. The girlfriends share a nice moment, then Caroline wanders off to booze up her severely injured friend. Once she's alone, Elena stares at the old photographs on the end table. There's one of her and her with Grayson and Miranda, and one of her alone, in her cheerleading uniform. We flash back to...

Sophomore Year, Mystic Falls High School, Exterior. Matt and Elena are holding hands. Bonnie plays the welcomed third wheel. Both girls are wearing their uniforms which is weird because all these flashbacks revolve around a single day -- the day the Gilbert parents died, and I'm pretty sure they died in May which is hardly football season. By school standards, it shouldn't even be basketball season. Do they cheer for spring soccer or something? I know. I know. It's just an excuse to reveal more flesh, and Dobrev and Graham surely are gorgeous. I'll stop being a killjoy.

Anyhow, Elena laughs as she tells her friends, "Caroline Forbes said my ponytail lacked juzz..." or juj, or possibly jush. I looked this stuff up on Urban Dictionary and it's not what Caroline was going for, lemme tell ya. She must have been going for a slang version of the peppy sense of juice. Editorial, feel free to weigh in here, or not. I am pretty sure you're all younger than I. [Note: No dice, but I did find these .gifs! -- Rachel.] The point is, we're back in the days in which life in Mystic Falls was awesome, and Caroline Forbes was a miserable, jealous, petty also-ran. These days, Caroline Forbes is awesome. It's life in Mystic Falls that is miserable. Pretty fair trade, says I. We're also back in the days when Bonnie is trying to convince everyone she's psychic, which is less impressive now because we know she's a powerful witch, but honestly, Elena wasn't even impressed back then. Bonnie has a bad feeling about the bonfire tonight. Elena says it doesn't matter. She can't go. Aunt Jenna is visiting, so the 'rents want a family night. Matt begs Elena to sneak out or something. He kisses her then says he has to leave to meet with All-Trades Tanner. When Matt says he loves her, Elena just smiles. After he's gone, Bonnie calls Elena out on not saying it back. Elena tries to play dumb, but Bonnie won't let her, and says if she's not feeling it with Matt anymore, she can't string him along. She should just tell him. DO YOU GET THE PARALLEL?

Present, Night. Elena wakes with a start to find Matt watching a little too closely over her. You all know I love my Pudding Pop, but that was creepy. No wonder Elena couldn't sleep. When Matt asks what she was dreaming about, Elena confesses, "Sophomore year." She apologizes for stringing him along back then. The parallel to her current situation is ham-fisted even before she comes right out and says that she's doing the same thing with the Salvatores now. Anyhow, she knows she has to let one go. Matt asks, "Which one?" Just then, Stefan arrives, saving Elena from having to answer. She hugs him, and we cut to...

Mystic Grill. Jeremy, proving that Team Human has its act together, picks up some food for his injured sister. Before he can leave though, Vamparic sidles up next to him, and plops two bottles of beer on the bar. He looks at the Germ and says, "We need to talk."

Gilbert Gables. Elena complains about being over-coddled. Stefan, who seems to be cooking even though Jeremy just picked up some take-out, tells her she's supposed to be coddled. Matt mentions it would be smarter to just get her out of town, but Elena equates that with being on the run for the rest of her life. She rises from the couch, balls up her blankets and declares, "I'm not an invalid. I'm done with the couch." As she marches off the other room, Matt asks Stefan if he's just going to let Elena call all the shots. Stefan's all Yo, that's what I do. Matt: "Even if they're wrong?" Stefan: "Nothing wrong with free will, Matt. Trust me, you don't realize that 'til you lose it." Oh, the telegraphing resonates so hard in my brain, I'm struggling not to type the rest of this recap in Morse Code. .-- . / --. . - / .. - --..-- / ... .... --- .-- .-.-.- / . .-.. . -. .- / .. ... / --. --- .. -. --. / - --- / -... . / - ..- .-. -. . -.. --..-- / .- --. .- .. -. ... - / .... . .-. / .-- .. .-.. .-.. .-.-.- . Who cares about all that, though? Just then, Elena calls to Stefan. When the guys turn their attention to the Elena, they see the door open, and Elijah standing there is all his beautifully beautiful beauty! Commercial.

Mystic Grill. I've got to pick up the pace, huh? Vamparic wants to know where Desikklaus is. Jeremy's wouldn't tell Vamparic even if he knew. Vamparic tries to sweeten the pot. He knows Jeremy is no fan of the Fang Gang. He'll get rid of all the vampires and Jeremy will no longer have to deal with them even though his sister can't let them go. Once the vamps are gone, Vamparic will die, too. Jeremy doesn't want Elena to die (which is what's going to kill Vamparic) so Vamparic tells him that after the rest of the vamps are dead, they can lock him up. Bonnie can desiccate him and Elena can live out the rest of her natural life. When she passes, he'll be gone, too. Vamparic then takes out the Indestructo Son of White Oak stake (ISoWOs), but it's just more Original-killing exposition. Vamparic tells Jeremy to be on the right side of this issue. Xander and I sorta agree.

Gilbert Gables. Elijah blathers about ISoWOs, too. Once it's been disarmed, the Mikaelsons will scatter and take Desikklaus with them. Alaric will, presumably, follow. The Fellowship of the Falls can live in peace. Stefan and Elena don't trust Elijah, mostly because he's screwed them over more often than not. Elena doesn't want Desikklaus undesiccated, obvo. Elijah promises that he will leave Desikklaus desiccated until Elena and even her future children have died off. Then he does the best thing ever. He fiddles with the table setting, until it's properly aligned and says, "Perhaps that will finally teach him some manners?" No, really. It's just adorable. Look here. Gosh, I want the Elijah show.

As co-captain of Team Human, Matt is immune to Elijah's not inconsiderable charms. "Why should she trust you? All you've done is screw her over." Elijah: "And for that, I'm deeply ashamed. But know this: she could have been dead the instant I walked through that door tonight. So, Elena, I leave it to you to make the decision whether to trust me or not." Suddenly, Damon's disembodied voice chimes in. "Not! Hello! Did that concussion give you brain damage?" Ha! He's on speaker phone, but at first I had this image of Damon suddenly being able to sense the stupid and push his thoughts to wherever they're most needed, so I'm going to keep pretending that is what's happening in this scene. Disembodied Damon continues: "His lunatic siblings will kill you the first chance they get." Elijah swears that Rebekah and Kol will honor the terms; return Desikklaus and Elena will come to no harm. "Do we have a deal?" Disembodied Damon: "No! No, no, no, no. Did I mention no?!" Stefan shakes his head and tells Elena it's up to her. Disembodied Damon: "Oh, come on!" Elena asks Elijah why he wants Desikklaus. Elijah says, "He's my brother. We remain together." Our Lady of Compassionate Yet Questionable Judgment makes her decision. "We have a deal." Before Damon can will himself through the phone lines and strangle everyone at Gilbert Gables, we cut to...

Mayoral Mansion. Carol Lockwood and Liz Forbes are waiting for Tyler and Caroline. They explain to the kids how Vamparic outed them to the Council. Everyone knows what they are. The Council is looking for Klaus and then they're going to come looking for Caroline and Tyler. The moms can't protect their children any longer, so they've gotten together some cash and fake IDs. They want the kids to run. Caroline objects at first, but the mothers won't take no for an answer.

Gilbert Gables Front Porch. Like Matt, Jeremy wants to grab Elena and get her out of here and away from all this. Matt suggests that's exactly what they do. There's a bit of a weird fake out, here. Jeremy says even if he wanted to help Vamparic, he has no idea where Desikklaus is. Matt says, "I do." Jeremy looks at him. We cut to the...

Mystic Grill. Jeremy calls Vamparic and says he knows where Desikklaus is. "Damon's on his way to bury him in the woods off Route 12. I'll text you with the specifics." Vamparic thanks Jeremy and tells him he's doing the right thing for his sister. We cut to Jeremy who exchanges a look with Elena. After he hangs up, Jeremy tells Elena, Stefan, Elijah and Matt, "He bought it." Commercial.

Mayoral Mansion. Caroline doesn't want to leave town when their friends need them. Tyler points out their mothers need them to stay alive. He says the Salvatores will protect themselves and then adds, "Let me protect you." Caroline will go anywhere with Tyler. She'll run if he wants, but first, she needs to help her friends. They agree to meet in the old Lockwood dungeon in two hours. Tyler notes they have to travel light and asks Caroline what she needs. "Ah, just you... Maybe a curling iron." Love her. When she says she has to tell Bonnie, Tyler says he'll call Bonnie. I'm sticking a pin in that comment. They kiss and Caroline runs off.

Storage Facility That is Close Enough for Bonnie, Rebekah and Alaric to Reach and Leave, but is Far too Far for Damon to Leave (SFTiCEfBRaAtRaLbiFtFfDtL). Damon complains to Bonnie about Elena's decision. When Bonnie says, "It was her call," Damon answers, "You know what else was her call? Everything bad, ever." Hold up a second, Brain Trust. Since Alaric knows about it, and now has humans on his side, perhaps the No Vampires Allowed Cave wouldn't be the best Desikklaus hiding place, but neither is a random storage facility that any and all can enter. You've been pretty productive this season, but you are still the King of Capriciousness. You live in a glass house, is what I'm saying.

Damon leads Bonnie to SFTiCEfBRaAtRaLbiFtFfDtL Storage Unit 1020 (because "666" was too obvious), where Desikklaus rests in not exactly peace. When Bonnie opens his casket, Desikklaus opens his eyes. Damon says, "Whoa, creepy." I think I might have nightmares about that all summer. Damon tells Bonnie to get on with casting a spell that will shield Desikklaus from any locator spells. That is, he doesn't want to give Vamparic the chance to co-opt a witch and force her to locate Desikklaus. Bonnie says she wants a minute alone with Desi. Damon foolishly finds nothing hinky about that. He closes the storage unit door when he leaves and apparently doesn't even use his vamponic hearing to eaves drop, and yet he questions Our Lady of Compassionate Yet Questionable Judgment's judgment? Pixie, please! Alone with Desikklaus, Bonnie looks at him for a moment. "You should burn in Hell, but if you die, so do my friends, so does my mother. What am I supposed to do about that?" Oh, I don't know, Bon, but it's gonna be totes awesome, totes terrible, or totes both.

Gilbert Gables. Stefan and crew plan to ambush Vamparic at the fake Desikklaus location. Elena pleads with Stefan to make sure Jeremy is safe. Stefan says they have strength in numbers so Jeremy will be okay. Elena feels like every time someone walks out of her house, there's a chance they might not make it back. Stefan promises to do everything in his power to make sure they all come back. As he starts to leave, Elena wants to say something to him but then changes her mind. Stefan looks at her, turns away, turns back and marches right up to her. Taking her face in his hands, he kisses her long and hard. "That's just in case there is no later." Alone, Elena tries to smother a smile. .-- .... --- / .-- .. .-.. .-.. / . .-.. . -. .- / -.-. .... --- --- ... . ..--.. / .... --- .-- / . ...- . .-. / -.-. .- -. / .-- . / --. ..- . ... ... ..--..

Storage Facility. Damon's lounging on a couch as he calls Stefan to report that Bonnie has just left SFTiCEfBRaAtRaLbiFtFfDtL, and Rebekah should be there soon to pick up Desikklaus. Stefan says he's got Caroline and Elijah in place. "Jeremy will lead Alaric to us." When Damon gives Stefan crap about letting Elena make the decision, Stefan asks big brother what he would have done. Damon: "Grabbed her. Gagged her. Threw her in a well. I don't know -- anything other than let her trust Elijah!" Stefan chuckles as he says Elena would hate him for that. Damon knows. "Yeah, but she'd be alive, and she'd hate me. Thus the eternal difference between you and me, brother." This is not unimportant. Stefan says, "As soon as we get the stake, hand over the coffin and get out. Alaric's got half the police looking for Klaus's car." What? Did they desiccate Klaus and then swipe his car? That's fairly awesome. Or maybe Becky is using it. Either way, it works for me. When the SFTiCEfBRaAtRaLbiFtFfDtL elevator bell rings, Damon says he's got to go. "The Original sister is here."

Damon walks out into the hallway. "It's about time, Sexy Becks." It's not Rebekah, though. It's Vamparic. He grabs Damon in a headlock and asks where Desikklaus is. Damon's all, "How did you find me?" Vamparic sings the praises of Law Enforcement Officers who aren't corrupted by vampires. When Damon fess up which locker holds Desikklaus, Vamparic snaps his neck. I kind of feel bad that human Alaric never got to do that. M-m-memories... Oh and commercial.

Gilbert Gables. Matt brings Elena some tea. When she cringes after taking a sip, Matt lies that he added too much honey and then he asks her about her feelings for Stefan. She gives him the backstory on how Stefan saved her life. Matt wonders if she thinks she owes him something. Elena says it's not that. After the accident, she felt like she didn't know how to live anymore -- and that she didn't want to. After she met Stefan, she started to figure it out. "That's what love should be. You should love the person that makes you glad you're alive. [...] The problem is Damon. When I'm with him, it just consumes me, and I know that I can't love them both. I know that it's wrong, but I -- when I choose one, then I lose the other, and I don't want to lose anyone else. I--I just I wish that I had my mom here to give me some advice." Elena sighs, drinks her tea and stares out the window. We flash back to that fateful night...

Sophomoric Elena is walking away from the bonfire when she calls home. Jenna is good-natured as she complains that Grayson Gilbert (Jason MacDonald) is making her play Pictionary. "I suck at Pictionary." Aw. Me too, Jenna. Me too. Elena wants a ride home and needs to talk to a real grown-up anyhow, so Jenna puts Miranda on the phone. Matt and Elena had a big fight. He's being too pushy about their future. Miranda says he doesn't mean to be; he's just trying to suss out how she feels about him. Elena claims she doesn't know how she feels. Mama isn't buying that any more than I've bought that she doesn't know if she has feelings for Damon. Elena is afraid if she's honest with Matt, she'll lose him. Miranda wisely says that she won't be losing Matt. She'll be setting him free. We cut back to the...

Present. Matt's Truck. That's right, Matt "Pudding Pop" Donovan, co-captain of tonight's awesome Team Human, drugged Miss Elena Gilbert and is driving her out of town. She doesn't have any parents to tell her what's right and wrong. "You've got me and Jeremy, and a bunch of vampires fighting a war you shouldn't be in the middle of." I realize my blatant hypocrisy here. I hate it when the Salvatores (usually, but not always Damon) take Elena's choice away from her. I love that Matt and Jeremy do so tonight. It's different. They're not these immortal creatures waiting to see who gets the next slice of Elena Pie. They're just her old sweetheart/dear friend and her brother, who are sick and tired of this vampire crap. Getting her out of town is the only way to keep her safe.

SFTiCEfBRaAtRaLbiFtFfDtL. Vamparic strolls the halls, opening random storage lockers but hasn't found Desikklaus before he hears the Rebekah arrive. In a truly chilling scene, he stalks her through the facility as she calls out for Damon. Finally, Damon grabs her, muzzles her with his hand and tells her what is the what. Vamparic arrives in front of unit 1020. When he opens it, Desikklaus's corpse is not in there. Now, Vamparic had walked by a whole bunch of units. What made him stop at this one? It's just a little too pat for me. I'm getting ahead of myself. Wait. Okay, we cut to the parking garage. Damon and Rebekah wheel Desikklaus's casket toward a car. Vamparic pops out of nowhere, grabs Rebekah, smashes her head against a car and throws her across the room, even though he should not be stronger than she. Next he kicks Damon across the room. Before Rebekah and Damon can recover, Vamparic whips out his ISoWOs and throws open the lid on Desikklaus's coffin. Damon and Rebekah scream, "No!" Desiklaus can see what's coming, too. Alaric raises ISoWOs and plunges it into Desikklaus. Rebekah tries to run to her brother's aid, but Damon holds her back. Desikklaus starts to burn. Vamparic looks at Rebekah and Damon, pulls the stake out of Desikklaus, and slams shut the casket lid. He starts toward Rebekah, but Damon orders her to run. He charges Vamparic to buy Rebekah some time. Vamparic easily throws Damon off and Stealth Salvatores after Rebekah. Commercial.

Sidebar: Okay, so you know I said that Alaric finding the right storage unit was too pat for me? It really just was. He could have just as easily used his super-hearing to hear Becky and Damon wheeling something out. Watching him by-pass a bunch of closed lockers, then opening just the right one, and seeing the casket isn't in it? That does not work for me. I mean, the casket wasn't in any of the units he opened before Rebekah arrived. Right? Similarly, I'm frustrated that he knew where to find the Storage Facility in the first place. He's practically omnipotent, omniscient and omnipresent in this episode. Yeah, the cops are helping him. Whatever. It's just facile. I understand the reason for it. The reason for having this action take place so far away, is so that Elena will have to choose to go to Damon or to Stefan, when she thinks they're dying. But somehow, that makes it worse. Whatever. I really liked this episode. I just had to get that off my chest. Also, sure it's easy for me to say now, but even when I first watched this episode, I thought Alaric took that stake out of Klaus way too early. Also, I wondered if shutting the coffin wouldn't smother the flames. (I'm shouting out to my friends Lisa and Dawn, here.) Add those facts to the near certainty that Bonnie was likely up to something when she wanted some alone time with Desikklaus. It all made me pretty sure Klaus would survive this episode. While I love Joseph Morgan, I am so tired of Klaus as Big Bad. There. I feel better and the commercial is over, so let's get back to work.

Damon is sitting on the SFTiCEfBRaAtRaLbiFtFfDtL garage floor when he calls Stefan and reports that Klaus is dead. Stefan says he feels okay and asks Damon if he feels anything. If Klaus wasn't lying about siring their bloodline, they have maybe an hour left to live. Stefan says that's not enough time to get Damon back to Mystic Falls. Damon: "What, so we can have our epic goodbye, Stefan?" Stefan's eyes fill but don't spill. "Not us, brother. You and Elena." This hits Damon where he lives. He's teary too, and says, "Well, I guess you'll just have to say goodbye for both of us, won't you? Call me if you cough up a lung." Isn't it romantic?

When Stefan hangs up the phone, Jeremy makes his confession. "Stefan, Elena's not at home. Matt and I -- we're getting her out of town." Stefan says it's going to be fine. "Klaus was lying. We're all going to be okay." Just then, Elijah and Caroline arrive. Elijah asks what happened. Caroline can tell by looking at Stefan's face. We cut to...

Matt's Truck. He's just gotten the news from Jeremy. Elena insists they return because all their friends are going to die. It's then that Matt tells Elena that Damon is a hundred miles out of town. He can drive her back to Stefan and Mystic Falls, or he can drive her to Damon. It's her choice. DO YOU DIG? We cut to...

SFTiCEfBRaAtRaLbiFtFfDtL. Damon's phone rings. It's Elena. He's not having any symptoms yet, and is sure they'll have a laugh when they learn Klaus is a liar. Damon asks where Elena is. She says, "Matt's taking me home," and the look on Damon's face breaks my heart. He says, "To Stefan." Elena says, "Not just Stefan, Damon. To Tyler. To Caroline." Damon says he gets it, but he has to break his own heart and mine, anyhow. "So, since I'm possibly a dead man, can I ask you a question? [...] If it was just down to him and me, and you had to make a choice who got the goodbye, who would it be?" No, no, no, no. No, no, no. Don't ask that, Evil Pixie Monster! It's just going to break your heart.

Elena fights back her tears. "I love him, Damon. He came into my life at a time when I needed someone, and I fell for him instantly. No matter what I feel for you, I -- I never unfell for him." Damon: "Hey, I get it. It's Stefan. It's always going to be Stefan." Well, that's a shout out to last season -- one I can't be arsed to research. Elena: "I can't think about always. All I can think about is right now. And I care about you, Damon, which is why I have to let you go. I mean, maybe if you and I had met first...." Damon says, "Maybe." As Elena assures Damon he's going to be fine, Damon turns to see Vamparic has returned. When Elena says she will see Damon soon, he says, "Real soon. Goodbye, Elena," and hangs up the phone. When he taunts his old bromance about failing to catch up to Rebekah, Vamparic punches Damon in the face -- knocking him to the floor.

Caroline runs into the old Lockwood Dungeon crying Tyler's name. He appears and scoops her up in his arms, as he says, "Sorry, I was just with Bonnie. What happened?" Caroline sobs that Klaus is dead. Tyler takes this in and says, "You're going to be fine, Caroline. [...] I'm a lost cause, but you're strong and you have a beautiful future ahead of you." Okay, so he's already Klaus here, but I'll hit that in a sidebar. Let me finish the scene, first. Tyler: "When you make it through this, just tell my mother I left town like I was supposed to, okay?" They kiss passionately. Caroline holds onto Tyler for dear life as she sobs. Suddenly, Tyler winces. Moaning in pain, he breaks free of Caroline's embrace. With his back to Caroline, he has a small coughing fit, and then looks around. Gasping, he turns back to Caroline. "Do you feel anything?" Caroline shakes her head. "No, I feel fine." Tyler says, "I need you to get out of here. I don't want you to watch me die." Caroline refuses to leave. Tyler has another coughing fit and tells Caroline, "You run, or I'll make you run." She sobs that she's not leaving. Tyler starts to transition. His body contorts as his bones break. Growling, he looks up at Caroline with his now lupine eyes and roars at her to go. Caroline is still crying as she Stealth Salvatores out of the dungeon. Commercial.

Sidebar: All right, the first time I watched this scene, I couldn't decide if Tyler was Tyler part of the time. It's pretty clear from the Julie Plec interview I linked on page one, that this is Klaus in Tyler, or Klyler, if you will, the whole time. The "beautiful life" line did give me pause, even when I was writing the recaplet, but still, I found this unnecessarily confusing. Yes, there is a need for Caroline to be fooled, but there's no need for the audience to be confused. Maybe we could have skipped a few parallels with sophomore year, and a few instances of telegraphing Elena's choice, and made this scene a little clearer.

Matt's Truck. Elena's on the phone with a heartbroken Caroline. When Matt learns the news about Tyler, he breaks down and punches the hell out of his steering wheel. "Damn it. Damn it, damn it, damn it." He's lost so much. "This isn't how our lives were supposed to be, Elena." We cut to the...

Woods. Rebekah finds Elijah and tells him Klaus is gone. There is nothing she could do to stop it. Elijah: "Tyler Lockwood is dead, but the rest survived. You said that Niklaus turned their bloodline." Rebekah: "I thought he did." When Elijah says it wasn't him and wasn't Kol, Rebekah says it wasn't her, either. We all know it wasn't funless Finn. Rebekah is sure it was Klaus. Elijah says, "Then how are they still alive?"

Dungeon. Bonnie strolls in and finds Klyler. He compliments her on her brilliant execution of the body swap spell, then slides in a dig. "I didn't think you had it in you." Bonnie says, "I did it to save my friends and my mother, Klaus -- not you." Klyler tells her the spirits won't be happy with her, but Bonnie says the spirits can like it or lump it. She's done getting pushed around by everyone. She did it because she wanted to. Dear Show, Kat G. is awesome. Please make some actual use of her next season. The end.

Stefan is walking through the woods when Rebekah calls him. "You're alive. Congratulations. Elijah spoke to Elena. Her and Matt should be arriving back in town, any minute." Her and Matt? Did she go to the Sage School of grammar? Stefan knows about Matt and Elena, but says Elijah also told him that he and Rebekah would be long gone by now. Rebekah says, "That's the problem. Elijah says we have to run -- that the hunter will keep coming after us, but I don't want to run anymore, Stefan. I spent my whole life running." Stefan is all, but what about our deal? Klaus is dead. Rebekah says there's no deal. "If my brothers and I are to survive, we have to get rid of Alaric, and the only way to get rid of Alaric..." We cut to a shot of Matt's truck approaching Wickery Bridge. Stefan, still on the phone says, "Rebekah, no!"

In the truck, Elena says she has to call Stefan, but her phone is dying. Matt gives her his. She takes it, thanks him, then looks up to see Rebekah standing in the middle of the road. "Matt, LOOK OUT!" Matt swerves to avoid the Beckster and his truck goes flying off Wickery Bridge. We flash back to...

The Gilbert's Accident. Their car is filling up with water. Miranda is unconscious. Elena says, "Dad?" Grayson promises they'll be okay. Grayson is wrong. The water rises. We cut to...

SFTiCEfBRaAtRaLbiFtFfDtL. Vamparic beats the stuffing out of Damon and wonders why he doesn't fight back. Damon is all: invulnerable, much? Damon plays the friend card. Vamparic says that's what kept him weak, but he's broken through, now. Now he's going to break Damon. We cut to...

That fateful night. Damon lies down in the middle of the road -- hoping to snag a tasty treat. When he sees Elena, he thinks -- at first -- that she is Katherine. Elena is on the phone with Bonnie, lamenting her situation with Matt. When Damon says, "Katherine?" she corrects him. "No. I'm Elena." Damon gets it, but he's still captivated by "Someone." Elena tells him he's being kind of creepy. Damon points out that he's not doing anything she isn't doing. Elena: "It's Mystic Falls. Nothing bad ever happens here." Muahahahahhaaa. When she confesses she had a fight with her boyfriend about his plans for their future, Damon says, "You don't want it?" Elena claims she doesn't know what she wants, but Damon tells her that's not true. "You want what everybody wants. [...] Well, let's just say I've been around a long time. I've learned a few things. [...] You want a love that consumes you. You want passion and adventure -- and even a little danger." Elena asks Damon what he wants. Damon: "Ah..." Just then, Elena's folks drive up. Damon turns on his compulsion eyes. "I want you to get everything you're looking for. But right now, I want you to forget that this happened. Can't have people knowing I'm in town, yet. Good night, Elena." He Stealth Salvatores away, leaving Elena confused. We return to the...

Present. At the SFTiCEfBRaAtRaLbiFtFfDtL, Alaric is still kicking the crap out of our Evil Pixie Monster. Damon's all: "Is that all you got?" Alaric says it's not, and raises ISoWOs. Damon blocks it -- refusing to let it plunge into his heart. He then punches Vamparic. We cut to...

Wickery Bridge. Underwater, Elena regains consciousness, but Matt is still out, despite her attempts to rouse him. There are cuts back and forth to that night in sophomore year when Elena's parents died. Suffice it to say that when Stefan tried to save Grayson, Grayson insisted that he save Elena instead. In the present, Stefan tries to save Elena, but she insists he save Matt. This is a beautiful scene. I don't mean to take away from it, but it bothers the heck out of me that Elena doesn't unfasten her seatbelt! Anyhow. There are flashes back and forth. The parallels -- CAN YOU FEEL THEM? Finally, Stefan saves Matt, and Elena lets herself go. Rest in short peace, little Miss G.

SFTiCEfBRaAtRaLbiFtFfDtL. Damon and Vamparic continue to duke it out. When Damon gets the upper hand, they both realize something hinky is going down. Damon holds Alaric and says, "You are not dead." My poor, poor Evil Pixie Monster. Not only is he mourning his best friend, he's also mourning his almost girlfriend. "You are not dead." Meep!

Gilbert Gables. Jeremy is on the phone -- leaving a message for Matt, when he sees Alaric. He tells his former teacher and guardian that he's done enough. "How did you even get in here?" Alaric says, "I don't know. I just wanted to say goodbye and it kind of happened." Jeremy finally gets it. This isn't Vamparic; it's the ghost of Alaric. Alaric says, "I just want you to know, I will always be here to look after you, Jeremy. And you'll never be alone. Okay? I promise." At first, Jeremy doesn't understand. Once Alaric gives him the look, Jeremy gets it. "Oh my God. You're a ghost. But if you're dead, that means Elena..." Alaric doesn't confirm Elena's death, but then -- he doesn't have to.

Mystic Falls Hospital. Elena's corpse lies on a stretcher. Stefan keeps a mournful watch. Out in the hall, Mere is talking to a coworker when Damon arrives. "Where is she?" Before he rushes to his shared girlfriend's side, Mere wants to dump some knowledge on him. When Jeremy brought her in earlier, Elena's injuries were worse than Mere let on. She doped her up with VAMPIRE BLOOD! Damon is all, "You what?!" We cut to...

The Morgue or Wherever. Elena's beautiful corpse lies on the stretcher. Suddenly, her head rises. Elena gasps. We go on a months-long hiatus. Happy Summer!

I know there was stuff and things I had to say, but I'm past my deadline and this is WAY past a weecap. My parting words are for the Damon/Elena fans. Trust me. This isn't the end. It is the beginning. Also? Please stop being mean to Julie Plec. She's an actual human with actual feelings. Thank you. Goodnight.

I'll be be sleeping for a few months. In the meantime, please grade the episode up top and join us in the forum, where the disembodied voice of Damon keeps yelling at us.

The B-roll for this episode begins with footage of some crazy person jumping off of a tall building, which we now know is a sign of deliciously traumatizing things to come! Just when you thought this show wouldn't know subtlety if it gave Tyra Banks a punch in the throat. The ladies return home from panel to see Laura's best-of-week silkworm photo displayed as digital art. This is Laura's second time receiving best photo, and while Sophie is happy for her and supportive, Laura thinks that Eboni and Alisha in particular are just waiting for her to fall. Well, after Laura flat out stated her dislike of Eboni, I can't be too upset if Eboni isn't happy on her behalf. Laura's best-of-week gift is just for her, which leads Eboni to wonder aloud if this is now becoming an individual competition. Newsflash, lady: it always was! Alisha tells us that Eboni is like a little sister to her, and she loves her. However, she thinks that Eboni needs to wake up. I mean, activate just ten brain cells and you'd have a radical improvement.

With only five girls left, Alisha tells us that things are getting intense and people, including herself, are getting catty. The first object of Alisha's cattiness is Laura, whom Alisha says is not her biggest competition. Unless it was an orgasm-having competition, in which Laura would absolutely be in contention. We rehash the enduring dislike between Laura and Eboni. Despite the fact that they had similarly rough backgrounds, Laura thinks that Eboni is a spoiled brat. As often happens, it's a little disappointing that the allegiances between the girls are so split along racial lines. Annaliese does seem to get along with everyone okay, thought that might be because the overpowering timbre of her voice wrangles them into submission. As Eboni recounts how far she's come in the competition and tells us that she and her pigtails are going to the top, we head to the ever-whack opening credits.

When we return, Alisha is talking about how much the bottom two doesn't scare her. She's been there three times! Who's scared? Not Alisha, that's for sure! It does make her sad, though, as evidenced by the sepia-toned falling tears in flashback. Alisha came in second on Cycle 6 of BNTM, and apparently was never in the bottom two. So, she didn't know what it felt like. Now, however, she knows. And it's annoying! It's pissing her off! But it doesn't SCARE her. Furthermore, Alisha says that she gives 200 percent at every photo shoot, and thinks that Sophie was the one who deserved to be in the bottom last time around. In the real world, says Alisha, she could take Sophie down as a model. But... wasn't she the one who told us that Sophie already has a contract with some sort of great agency? I mean, I love Alisha, but I think she's getting frustrated and desperate and a little crazy, which as we know is going to lead to great tragedy. Alas.

On Laura, Alisha says that she needs to be doing phone sex voice overs. Laura herself might kind of agree with this. Whatever! She loves sex! And talking about sex! And I'm sure it's not because she's looking for the attention and validation that she never got from her alcoholic parents! Alisha then tells us that Annaliese is a presenter, not a model. So, in summary, Alisha doesn't understand how, as the model with the longest legs and best body and, I would add, most interesting face, she hasn't been doing so well. I think it has something to do with the fact that either the photos she's taking or the photos of her that are being chosen are lacking in the "good" department. Poor Alisha. Annaliese, however, is doing great. She's steadily been going up in the competition, and being called second last week was a personal high. Lest you think that Alisha is the only one who can go on a shit-talking bender, Annaliese tells us that Alisha is up and down and overall deteriorating. It's not good.

There is Tyra Mail! "The world is your stage... Knock 'em dead! Fierce and love, Tyra." Everyone assumes it's going to be an acting challenge, but Alisha hopes that she's going to get the chance to knock someone out. She will, but sadly it won't be Laura. Speaking of Laura, as the girls are on the bus she ponders the following question aloud: "I wonder when I'll have sex again?" Sophie tells her that there is not going to be a challenge about having sex and Laura whines, "Why nooooooot?" I would love to see a challenge where the goal was for the models to seduce Miss J. And, like, if you could get Miss J. just to touch your lady parts voluntarily, you'd automatically win the whole competition. Poor Miss J. is probably glad he got fired before Tyra thought of this. Sophie says that the competition is getting very stressful, and is going to get down to the girls who want to fight for it. She tells us that she gave up her education, worked as a waitress while modeling, and also tried to get with her agency for seven years. She doesn't give up! Like some people might, sad foreboding foreshadowing.

The girls arrive in Hong Kong, which does look gorgeous and cool and futuristic, with crazy architecture that Laura thinks is very phallic. As Alisha says, "How can you live life like that? You walk on the street, you wanna hump a pole?" Laura would really clean up on a pole-humping challenge, too. The girls meet up with Miss J., who is wearing...kind of like a futuristic turquoise jumpsuit muumuu with matching headwrap? I don't know. Whatever it is, he's just relieved that no one is trying to get him to touch any lady parts. He tells the girls that Hong Kong is home to a thriving movie and music industry, and introduces them to hot young star Nicholas Tse. A couple of guys then come out of nowhere, and Nicholas is forced to take them and their shiny gold hoodies down via some fierce martial arts moves. Miss J. again goes on about how famous Nicholas is, noting that he has starred in movies such as New Police Story and The Stool Pigeon, for which he won some sort of award. Laura, of course, wants to bone him, and gets even hotter at the mention of the words "stool pigeon." Nicholas tells the girls that action is a combination of emotion, expression, devotion and coordination. And so is modeling! Today's challenge has something to do with acting, but primarily consists of a simple (for trained martial artists) but still challenging (for weakling models) fight scene. The winner will get to come back to Hong Kong to appear in Nicholas's music video.

Nicholas goes over the fight moves, which actually do seem to be pretty simple. Eboni took Tae Kwan Do in third grade, so clearly has the requisite experience to take this challenge. The models all get paired up with a stunt man to practice the fight scene, but since Laura had the best photo of the week she gets paired up with Nicholas Tse himself. You know how that's going to go. Annaliese, meanwhile, has a fierce upper cut. It might have something to do with her years of gymnastic training, if we are to believe her interview footage. Alisha, it turns out, is a kung fu movie enthusiast, and she tells us that she picked up the routine pretty quickly. Her facial expressions as she's knocking a dude out are pretty hilarious. Sophie, meanwhile, is from Oxford, where no one ever fights. She looks like a figure made of toothpicks, trying to take down a blood sausage. I suspect she is not going to win this challenge.

And then there's Laura. We hear Nicholas telling her that the sexiest part of the move involves throwing the hips in as she punches. And you know Laura perks up at the word "sexy." Her hair looks so whack now, I can't even tell you. She really must have some game if she's landing an international movie star while her dirty-ass hair is standing up in a frozen ponytail shape all on its own. She and Nicholas trade some sensual punches while engaging in eye-fuckery, and in an interview Laura giggles about how hot Nicholas is and tells us that she has a thing for Asian men. Yeah, but she also has a thing for poles on the street if Alisha is to be believed. Eboni weighs in by telling us that it wasn't fair for Laura to be paired with Nicholas, and Annaliese says that even though Laura is such a sexual person, her kung fu moves left something to be desired. The girls eventually practice their lines, to hilarious effect. Alisha doesn't think that any of them (herself excepted) can act, and really wants to prove that she can excel at this challenge, particularly after appearing thrice in the bottom two.

The girls then begin the challenge proper. Each model gets one practice round, and one real take. Nicholas tells us that he's looking for star quality and radiance on screen, and also sexy hip action. Eboni is up first, and though her acting is rather wooden, she does look good in the fight scene and she rips off her jacket at just the right time. This, however, will probably not compensate for the fact that she totally flubs her exit line. Alisha is next, and while her line delivery is pretty solid and she throws in a little wink for extra excitement, she does look kind of crazy in the face while beating down a guy with her kung fu moves. Annaliese is next, and uses that word "fan-dabby-dozey" again while explaining how awesome it would be to win this challenge. For that alone, she deserves to lose. I think she's the best actor of the bunch, but her fighting is very... enthusiastic. Then there's Laura. As will come as a surprise to no one, she's inspired by Angelina Jolie. She says that Angelina's hair is always whipping around sexily in her fight scenes, so that's what Laura plans to emulate. As she goes to beat up the dude, she pauses to remove her ponytail holder, which let me tell you is COMPLETELY natural. Because who doesn't want to take their hair down when they're kicking somebody's ass? It's really an advantage to have your vision compromised! And then the best part is that her hair is so dirty and stiff that it really doesn't even move! Hahaha. It's ridiculous, and also her line delivery is pretty weak. Finally, there's Sophie. Alisha puts it pretty succinctly when she says that Sophie is like a little fairy, so when she punches people it's as if glitter is coming out of her fists. If there's ever a Tinkerbell Gone Wild feature, she's a natural.

Nicholas gives each model a critique. He thought that Eboni taking off her jacket was smart and sexy. Alisha's wink was smart and classy. Annaliese was overpowering in her fight, and really looked like she knew what she was doing. Laura removing her ponytail holder showed that she was remembering her true self, and that she was in this challenge not to fight, but as a top model. Oh, come on. He really does just want to bone her. Sophie held on to Nicholas as they entered the scene, which was good. But the winner is Laura. She gives Nicholas a big hug, and humps his leg a little in her excitement. In response, he stares at her boobs as he congratulates her. And really, I do think that the fact that she got to practice with Nicholas gave her a huge advantage, as she got all that flirting/eye-fucking time in. I think it's hard for a horny international movie star to be objective in those circumstances. Alisha, of course, is royally pissed.

After a break, Laura is celebrating her challenge victory back at the house while everyone else stews about it. Sophie, who I think is less pissed than everyone else, "jokes" that Nicholas picked Laura at the winner because they were eye-sexing and he wants to penis-sex her when she comes back to Hong Kong to be in his video. As Alisha taps her weave, Laura says that she wouldn't mind having sex with Nicholas. Wouldn't mind! If his penis happened to fall into one of her orifices she WOULDN'T MIND. It wouldn't be that much of an inconvenience or anything. Eboni tells us that Laura admitted she didn't do the best on the challenge, which is like admitting that she seduced Nicholas. Laura says that sometimes it's the extra spark that will push you to the top. It's hard to tell whether she's talking about a personality spark, as in charisma, or physical chemistry spark, as in blow jobs. Eboni then busts out with the statement that Laura is sleeping her way to the top. Laura is really pissed about this, and I have to agree that it is a completely untrue statement, based on the fact that there really hasn't been anyone around for her to shtup. If Eboni had said that Laura WOULD sleep her way to the top if given the chance, the statement might have legs.

Twenty minutes later, Eboni is asleep and Laura's rage has had enough time to boil and bubble and demand a release. She storms back into the room and wants to take on anyone who thinks that she would actually fuck her way to the top. Eboni claims that she was just going along with what Sophie was saying, and Sophie admits that she probably should have stopped earlier even though she was clearly joking. Laura says that she has more self-respect than that, and it bugs her that anyone would ever think such a thing. Alisha asks us to pause for a second, and notes that Laura is a slag. Slag sounds so much better than slut, doesn't it? The Brits and their innate elegance! Annaliese points out that they still know Laura as the over-the-top sexual creature who has orgasms on shoots. It all smells a bit fishy to her. Pun intended, I think. Eboni non-apologizes that she's sorry if Laura was offended, and claims that wasn't her intent even though it obviously was. And my final word on the whole thing is that I think when Laura copiously sleeps with people, she doesn't do so with the idea of advancement in mind. So, she'd sleep with Nicholas whether or not she won the challenge. And while I'm certain that I would find Laura's constant sex-talk irritating, when it comes to the actual sex all I can say is go get 'em, girl, and use a condom. In other news, Eboni is sick of Laura attacking her all the time for no reason (and sometimes for a reason).

Tyra Mail! "Only the early risers make it to the top! Fierce and love, Tyra." This sounds like another challenge where the slags have an advantage! With that, it's 5:30 AM and a team of stylists enters the girls' home while they are sleeping. It's time to wake up! The girls go directly into hair and makeup, and then are bussed off to another location. Alisha notices that they are going in the direction of a building that looks suspiciously like the CN Tower in Toronto, and gets nervous about what this foretells. They meet Jay Manuel on the observation deck of what turns out to be the Macau Tower, and he gleefully reminds them how several of them are afraid of heights. They didn't have a photo shoot at the CN Tower, but they are going to be having one here, 764 feet off the ground. As it happens, the Macau tower is the home of the tallest bungee jump in the world. The girls will be in harnesses, having a photo shoot with Nigel out on the rim of the tower, in torrential rain and wind. As Sophie starts crying and I start cackling, we head to commercials.

When we return, Laura is of course thrilled about the impending photo shoot because jumping off of giant penises is one of her favorite things. Jay tells the girls to know that they're safe. And I mean, if I were in their shoes, I'd feel a little nervous about the whole thing but would probably be able to push through in nice, sunny, calm weather. But the rain! It looks so terrible, and like something that would prompt a cancellation in a real setting. But these girls have signed waivers, and I guess so does Nigel, so there's nothing to delay a brush with death. Sophie is up first, which is convenient since she is one of the girls most afraid of heights. Nigel tells the models that they're supposed to represent the strength and power of Macau, by being dressed up as cartoonish creatures and posing on the edge of a building in the rain. I mean, OBVIOUSLY.

A crying Sophie tells Nigel that she doesn't want to go first, and he in turn asks for a volunteer. Laura, of course, is ready. But then Sophie thinks about things for a little while and decides that 1) she wants to get it over with; 2) she doesn't want to give Laura an edge in the competition. Nigel assures her that with all the rain, nobody will see her tears anyway. Well, that's comforting. Sophie gets harnessed up, and a guide walks her out about ten feet onto the rim. And this rim -- which is sort of like a ring of Saturn in construction -- is not very wide. I feel like it would actually be possible for one of these skinny bitches to blow right off! And I imagine the whole thing would have to be extra slippery due to the rain. Nigel and Jay try to get Sophie to take her hands off of the harness that is attaching her to the rim's upper edge, and she will not. I do not blame her for that one. This shit is scary! And you know that I always want the models to have horrible things befall them, but not like this! Despite my bluster, a swinging pendulum on the runway is really all that I can handle. Alisha, meanwhile, is quite scared as well but is trying to play it cool because she knows how important this shoot is for her. Sophie is finally done, and sort of creeps into Nigel's waiting arms and just cries and cries. She then goes inside the Tower and cries some more. Some of that has to be relief that she's done.

Annaliese is next, and clarifies for us that she's not scared of actual heights -- she's scared of FALLING from a height. So, standing almost 800 feet above the ground with wind and rain whipping at you is something that makes her a bit uneasy. She handles the whole thing like a pro, though, and Jay likes how she brought a little Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon to her poses. I am really amazed that she didn't get blown off the tower -- it's so gusty! Laura is next, and is jumping up and down with excitement. You might think that this is just because she's a thrill seeker, but again it really has to do with the fact that she's a sex fiend. Eboni tells us that Laura is obviously attracted to Nigel, and sometimes her over-the-top actions are annoying. To wit, Laura is trying to hump the rim of the Macau Tower as part of her photo shoot. To her credit, she is REALLY close to the edge of that thing. Jay says that Laura is working his nervous because of her fabulousity. And you know, she's actually smart for sitting down, because I'd think that would make you feel a little more secure, if wet.

Eboni is next, and also lowers her center of gravity for the shoot. She tells us again that she's proud of how far she's come, and we see Nigel tell her not to forget to smize. Eboni wants to prove that she can still make it and be successful, even though she and her family struggled. Her shoot seems to go relatively quickly. Laura tells us that Eboni isn't as strong as the others, and adds that she'd rather have a Brit win than Eboni win. Oh, what, they don't like each other? How did I miss that? Finally, there's Alisha. Poor, scared Alisha. Her tears get blown around in the rain as she slowly makes her way out on the rim. Annaliese tells us that she thought Alisha was a bit tougher than she's being now, and adds that although Alisha is one of the weaker models, she's gunning for it. Alisha takes a deep breath, puts a hand up in the air, and starts modeling. We hear Nigel tell her that what she's doing is beautiful and gorgeous, though I'm not sure if that's because she's actually doing well or just to make her feel more comfortable. Jay wants Alisha to put her chin down, because in every shot they're looking up her nose. Alisha is a bit confused, because she's been giving every photo shoot her all, but winding up with mediocre pictures. Nigel tells us that Alisha knew this was a make-it-or-break-it shoot, and looked quite determined. However, she's not letting herself be as beautiful as she can be. With this sad news, it's a wrap.

Back at the house, everyone is wiped out from the day's trauma. Eboni is a bit concerned, since even if she has a great photo today the judges might take into account her weaker performance in the past. Sophie is drained and traumatized, and figures that she'll be in the bottom two. She hopes at the least that the judges recognize her commitment. Alisha is exhausted, and has been exhausted for the last several photo shoots. This prompts Laura to complain that she's sick of hearing the other girls complain. This competition, she says, is about going through struggles and coming out on the other side, like the Inferno but more hellish. Meanwhile, Alisha confessionalizes in her robe that the photo shoot was horrible. It was so bad, in fact, that it's making her question if she wants to do modeling at all. I do wish she would make the distinction between actual modeling and... whatever this is. As she tells the others that she'd rather just get sent home than have to endure another bottom two, we cut to commercials.

When we return, it's panel time. There are prizes, there are judges. Nicholas Tse is the guest judge, which bodes well for Laura's chances. Although, Tyra apparently wants to bone him too, so maybe they'll have a kung-fu-off for his affections. Annaliese is up first for critique, and she lies that the photo shoot was actually fun. In the final picture, the girls' have had their harnesses airbrushed out, and Nigel commends Annaliese on using her harness to help get some hot archer poses. Cutrone is also a fan of the photo, saying that Annaliese looks like a warrior. And for Cutrone to have nothing negative to say about an Annaliese photo means that it's very good. Nicholas Tse thinks that the photo shows dominance without desperation, and Tyra thinks that it's good but a little tense in the nose. Overall, though, her critique is very positive.

Alisha is next. Her pose is a bit odd, and Nigel says that they went with it because it's the most editorial. He thinks that Alisha did a good job, but could have been better. Tyra thinks that Annaliese looks like a Southern black lady heading to church in the '50s. At the same time, she finds it interesting, though she does wish the neck extension had been there. Cutrone thinks that Alisha looks like a supermodel in person, but it's still not coming through in her photos and that's a concern. Then there's Sophie, who admits to being petrified the whole time. Nigel agrees that Sophie was freaking out, but adds that she would have moments of calm when she'd pose and he could shoot, and as a result she got a decent photo. Nicholas is a big fan, though Cutrone isn't loving it and thinks she looks like a weathervane. Tyra gives some useless advice about modeling when you're scared that makes absolutely no sense. Shocker, I know.

Eboni is next, and Nigel notes that she wasn't scared of the scenario and so had an opportunity to really rock her shot. Sadly, there were a lot of shots where her body was great but her face wasn't. Cutrone doesn't care for the photo either, and tells her that the proportion of her headpiece to her arm throws off the proportion of her dress. Nicholas likes it, because he likes everything with hot ladies. Tyra wishes that the shot had more tension, and adds that Eboni doesn't understand her angles. She has to learn that, because she winds up not looking like a model in the face. Finally we have Laura, in one of her seated poses. Cutrone loves the shot, and says that it's amazing and expansive. Nicholas likes Laura's face, but actually thinks that her legs look stumpy. Maybe he's saying this just to throw the judges off of the fact that he wants to bone her? Tyra says that the picture is beautiful, and adds that Laura DOES know her angles. Cue concerned look from Eboni.

The judges deliberate. Annaliese is a television hostess, but Cutrone still doesn't think she's a model. Nicholas could see her acting in a motion picture. Nigel compares Annaliese to Season Two's Mercedes, who went on to be quite a commercial success. He thinks that if you have the desire to win, you can produce fantastic pictures. Nigel paints Alisha as the girl who SHOULD be able to model, but can't. He doesn't think that she knows what she's doing, from H2T. Nicholas agrees that she has a lot of room to improve, and Cutrone says that there's nothing sadder than a six-foot size two girl who isn't photogenic. Tyra wonders what you do when you have one not-model who can model, and a model who can't model. That might not sound like it makes any sense, but you know what I mean. Cutrone is still not a fan of Sophie's shot, but Nicholas says that she's the most energetic and adorable of the five. Nigel says that Sophie was remarkable, but Cutrone argues that no one knows or cares what personal triumph she experienced to get a middling picture. Not content with the hating she's done so far, Cutrone has saved her harshest words for Eboni. She thinks that Eboni looks like a scarecrow and is lucky that a bird didn't land on her arm. Cutrone is lucky that a bird isn't constantly shitting on her face, as karma would dictate. Nigel thinks that Eboni is a stunning girl, but has zero personality. Where everyone else was either excited or terrified, Eboni was nothing. And then there's Laura. Cutrone melts like butter at her photo, and names one zillion designers who could use her picture. Nigel is a fan of Laura's, but says that probably the only reason she did better than everyone else is because she wasn't terrified. And with that, the judges have reached a decision.

Five girls stand before Tyra, but she only has four photos in her hands. And those photos represent the girls who are still in the running towards becoming America's Next Top Model. And the model who has best photo is Laura, for the second week in a row. Sophie is the runner up, despite the fact that nobody really seemed to like her photo. Was everyone else REALLY that bad? Annaliese? She is called third as Alisha starts crying. Yes, as expected Eboni and Alisha are in the bottom two. Tyra says that both girls have some of the highest potential in the competition. From week to week, the judges think that they're amazing in person. But then they're also disappointed from week to week when they see their photos. So who stays in the competition? Alisha does. Or, rather, she would have. She cries and says that she can't stay, because she doesn't want to take an opportunity away from Eboni or the other girls when she feels like she wants to get the hell out of Dodge. She'd rather walk away to get her spirit back and feel like Alisha again. She sobs and says that she doesn't want to appear ungrateful. Tyra, without even a thimble full of sympathy or any other sort of kind feeling, says that she doesn't think that Alisha is ungrateful. She adds that she can leave whenever she wants to, but Eboni will be leaving with her. And with that, Tyra gets a default double elimination.

Eboni tells us that she's had a lot more lows than highs when it's come to panel. She doesn't know if she'll stick to the 30-Never brand (OH GOD PLEASE DON'T) but will keep in mind all the advice she's gotten along the way. Tyra hugs Alisha and says that she has a ton of potential, but there's something mentally that's not connecting. A still-crying Alisha tells us that Britain's Next Top Model was hard, but this is harder, and she doesn't want to forget herself. She can't relate to the pictures of herself that have appeared at panel, and feels like they aren't really her. She's tried to be strong and appear happy, but right now she's just broken down and busted up and isn't going to take it anymore. Alisha's mom told her to come home if she lost her spirit, and Alisha has officially lost her spirit. Well, that was sincerely a stunner of an ending! I am quite sad, as Alisha was my favorite, but hopefully she's off modeling competently in a magical place where she doesn't have to deal with any Gamatronican bullshit.

Next week: Go-sees! And the girls pose in a life-sized perfume bottle that probably has the stink of Lisa D'Amato all up in it.

Potes is a total slag, and that's okay. You can tweet her @traciepotes or email potesypotes@gmail.com.