Television Without Pity tag:www.televisionwithoutpity.com,2008-09-03://2 2012-02-10T22:48:30Z Movable Type Enterprise 4.33-en Q&A With Kevin Smith tag:www.televisionwithoutpity.com,2012://2.43300 2012-02-10T22:39:25Z 2012-02-10T22:48:30Z For most viewers, Comic Book Men, AMC's first foray into the reality television genre (airing Sundays at 10 PM ET, beginning February 12) will be an entertaining, or at least diverting, variation on the hugely successful Pawn Stars format, as... Daniel Manu For most viewers, Comic Book Men, AMC's first foray into the reality television genre (airing Sundays at 10 PM ET, beginning February 12) will be an entertaining, or at least diverting, variation on the hugely successful Pawn Stars format, as each week prospective sellers bring in old comics, posters, toys and other pop-culture collectibles to be appraised by the staff of Jay and Silent Bob's Secret Stash in Red Bank, New Jersey. For the millions of longtime and devoted fans of geek auteur Kevin Smith, the owner of the Stash and co-executive producer of the show, Comic Book Men will be the Clerks threequel and Mallrats sequel that were never made -- without all of the romantic subplots and extraneous drama to get in the way of the insanely knowledgeable, self-deprecatingly witty, razor-sharp fanboy banter (in his words: all Randal, no Dante). But for Smith himself, Comic Book Men is merely the latest extension of an 18-year-old (and counting) multimedia empire that has encompassed indie films, major studio features, TV animation, original comic books, live tours, merchandising and, most recently, an impressive network of podcasts under the SModcast Internet Radio umbrella.

While his contemporaries from the great '90s indie film boom have followed more traditional Hollywood trajectories to either great heights or great obscurity, Smith has channeled his passions and personal vision into projects beyond the big screen by taking full advantage of technologies such as web video and social media (he was an early adopter of both) to market to his loyal followers with a zeal and savvy that no major studio could hope to match, recycling talent, concepts and characters to maximum effect. Comic Book Men's stars -- store manager Walt Flanagan, hanger-on Bryan "Steve-Dave" Johnson, assistant manager Michael Zapcic and website producer Ming Chen -- honed their on-mic quips and chemistry on various SModcasts, such as "Tell 'Em Steve-Dave!" The S.I.R. network is an outgrowth of sold-out, on-stage Q&A's that Smith has hosted for years (some available on DVD), whose audiences were largely comprised of fans of films set in the View Askewniverse -- which included cameo appearances by Flanagan and Johnson, who in turn had helped inspire the movies in the first place. The continuity is dense enough to be a, you guessed it, comic book.

All four Secret Stash fixtures were alongside Smith at a recent press conference hosted by AMC in New York to help launch the network's latest program, where his gratitude and devotion to his friends and employees was evident -- as was his endearing astonishment at his own good fortune. But what struck us the most was just how genuinely invested, inspiring even, Smith sounded about the democratization of media and the inherent value of everyday lives. Unfortunately, due to this loquacious, rapid-fire style, it's difficult to fully capture his words in print (but hey, that's what his podcasts are for), but here are excerpts from what he told us as well as his remarks to the assembled reporters:

On working with AMC:
"What they're doing at AMC for the last few years is kind of what Miramax were doing in the early to mid-'90s, when it was a place everyone wanted to be. It was a place where everyone was willing to cut their fucking prices. You're talking about greedy fucking pig actors who get huge salaries who are willing to drop down to the basement to be in these movies because they were telling the interesting stories. Same thing is going on at AMC right now: these cats are telling the best stories and it attracts you as a story teller. They helped us hammer [Comic Book Men] into something that looks different than most reality shows. They were like, why don't you use the podcast so instead of us breaking the wall and talking to you, we're talking to each other. You're kind of a fly on the wall. The conversations are just really authentic. AMC totally had a point of view -- they weren't like, 'Oh, we'll just do a cheap reality show, it will be great.' But they were like, 'We're going to go into this genre and it has to be different than what other people have done.'"

On how Comic Book Men is a celebration of geekiness:
"This is a show about real geeks. My life is settled in all the other ways. I got a real family, I got a kid, I got a wife, my life went on happily ever after. My passion is still alive, though. My passion just happens to be Boris Karloff dolls or watching Planet of the Apes or Harry Potter. I like watching adults getting into stuff they're not supposed to -- and I don't mean children because that fucking disgusting. I mean things that they're not supposed to because it's reserved for kids. We spend this much time developmentally enjoying play, and then they're like, 'Get to work.' Because no one wants to sit around and watch a kid 24/7, you know? Shove them in a school, shove them over here. So we don't get to play as much. Geeks get to play forever. Just like actors and athletes get to be kids forever, those of us who are into this kind of shit exude passion because we wear it on our sleeves."

On how accessible Comic Book Men will be to non-geeks:
'Thankfully the work's been done for us. For over 15 years The Simpsons have had Comic Book Guy as a character. People kind of understand the language of that world. The short hand is already established.... It's called Comic Book Men, but it's not just about comics. If you grew up anywhere near the age we grew up -- like the 70's, 80's or something -- you're definitely going to see stuff on the show that you had as a kid, and it's like an instant time machine. It's crazy. Like when you're watching the footage and suddenly somebody comes in with a mint-in-the-box fucking Bionic Man. And you can look through its eye and it still has the rough skin with the fucking chip in its arm. It took me right back to opening one on Christmas morning, man. It's like that moment in Ratatouille when Remy eats that fucking ratatouille and he goes back to childhood -- same thing. You're watching the show and you'll be like, 'I had that doll,' you know? Suddenly you're running to eBay. It's pretty awesome."

On whether the male-dominated show will appeal to women:
"I watched every episode of Sex and the City and I know that show wasn't made for me. There'll just be [audience] crossover by virtue of the fact that some people, even though they feel it's not gender-oriented to them, will be interested in it. The fact that it's called Comic Book Men doesn't mean there's no chicks in the show. It's just the reality of this comic book store is that these are the people that work there. Now, originally, when we did the presentation, AMC was like, 'It's a fucking sausage party, get a chick in there.' So we were like, 'Well all right, let's find a chick.' We found a chick, we brought the chick in, we shot, it was great. But then AMC, God bless them, they watched it and were like, 'well, that's not the reality of the show; let's just keep it to the boys.' Now, we could alter the reality in season two, God willing if they pick us up, and add a woman to it. Or, even better, create a brand new show where we find four chicks or five chicks running a comic book store somewhere and go franchise off in that direction. Hopefully, if this works, we open the door to something like Comic Book Women."

On the reality behind the reality of Comic Book Men:
"Here's the honest thing, if you're rolling cameras in a store for two months hoping to have people come through the door to do transactions, you'll burn a lot of film with nothing going on. So what you do is you put up a notice going, 'You got anything you want to sell? Want to come to the store to sell it?' That way you can organize it in a way where you put everybody on one week and you're shooting all the transactions. You'd kind of run it the same way you'd run a production but the only think you kind of work on in advance is 'You be here at this point and time. Whatever you say or do on camera is up to you.' So it still maintains the air of reality. We're not like, 'Yo man, here's 50 bucks, can you play a psycho?' It's not like that! We can get psychos to show up for free. Once they get in the door, they're real people acting the way they do. These guys have shot some transactions where some of the guys were not happy with the way it went -- didn't have the storybook ending it should -- and that's where reality TV gets dirty, you know?"

On how the Comic Book Men are living the dream:
"They're all married, they got kids, that part of their life is all sorted out. They just happen to want to live like Arthur for the rest of their lives. A lot of us saw Arthur when we were kids and were just like, 'Look at all these games and toys; wouldn't that be great if you could just live passionately about shit you love? We all have this kind of dream. If you're doing something you love and they're paying you for it never feels like fucking work. If we can all get our lives to a place where we could be doing something we absolutely love and get paid for it, boom, we've cracked the code. And Walt Flanagan kind of inspired all of us. A long time ago before I made the flicks, he was like, 'What do you want to be? What's your dream job?' We heard that Jackie the Joke Man made a thousand dollars a week on Howard Stern, and Brian was like, 'Could you imagine being paid a thousand dollars a week to talk to your friends?' I was like, 'What a dream job.' Flanagan's dream job was 'I want to run a comic book store.' And I was like, 'You want to own a comic book store?' and he was like 'Oh no, no, no, I don't want to own it, I just want to run it.' And I was like, 'Why?' and he goes, 'Cheap discount.' So, then after Clerks, we went out and wound up getting a store for him to run. We had no idea that it would eventually result in this. Like it's all Walt Flanagan-instigated, lucky for us."

On the Comic Book Men cast and their impact on his life:
"When I first came to set when we did the podcast wraparounds for the show, the [production] team was like, 'You have no idea what you have in these friends of yours. We shoot real people all the time, and real people aren't as quick as your friends.' And I was like, 'Yeah, I know, they've got an edge because they've been podcasting for a fucking year.' So in some way, they've written their own tickets. Because these are the cats [without whom] we wouldn't be having this conversation. Like, I am who I am today because I hung out with Brian, because I hung out with Walt. And suddenly, their passions became mine. Like, Walt is the comic book man, Walt is the hockey guy. Because Walt is so passionate about that shit, it translated over to me. There was this dude, who, at one point in my life, taught me it was okay to like the shit I like and don't give a shit about anyone else. And it sounds like a stupid lesson that we should all know and learn, but growing up but as a kid, we didn't celebrate differences. And, let's be honest here, we still don't. But at least online there's some semblance of, 'Yeah, differences are accepted.' But back then differences weren't accepted. If you were a kid, you liked sports and if you didn't like sports, who were you? And I didn't like sports. I liked going to the movies and I liked reading comic books. So suddenly, if you hang out long enough, it just all comes around. Like I remember early in the day being like, 'I like comics.' And I've held on to it for this long where comics are now en vogue and I'm like, 'I still like comics! I've been waiting for you fuckers to show up.' So it kind of works out."

On how often he's actually at the Comic Book Men store:
"Look, if I'm in Jersey, I'm visiting the Stash. Number one, because I love it there. Number two, because a long time ago I said 'wouldn't it be great to have a comic book store and run it your own way?' Number three, all of my friends work there. And number four, it's the only place in Red Bank that I can smoke weed and not get busted."

On whether he would still have gravitated to film if podcasting existed 20 years ago:
"Oh my God, it would have been podcasting because I have always gravitated to that which seemed easiest. Comics is what I wanted to do, but that seemed really hard to get into because I wasn't British. I wanted to write and it was like Alan Moore, Neil Gaiman, Grant Morrison -- those are the writers I admired. Film seemed easy because Richard Linklater made Slackers and I loved it. I was like, 'This counts? Like, there's no plot structure here, there's no cast per se -- there's a lot of cast but no main character -- it flaunts all convention, it breaks the rules.' So film seemed like the most accessable art form for me at the time. I can't paint. I can't sing. But, having seen Slacker, I said, 'I think I can put together a story like that. I would have three acts and blah blah blah. I would tell it about my world.' Because I had never seen a movie like Clerks. The only reason it exists was because I wanted to see a movie about me and my friends, and I had never seen it. So, at that point, I was like, 'Fuck it, I'll just make one.' Had podcasting existed, I never would have made Clerks.

But podcasting didn't exist so we went to movies, but as you can see by my career and my willingness to be like, 'fuck film,' podcasting is where my heart is. It doesn't require talent. I've always been about democratization, and I would go out there after every film and be like, 'Anybody can do this. If I can do this, anyone can do this. And you should because it makes you feel fucking good and shit could work out.' But now that requires money. It still requires a camera and people to believe in your shit. [But with] podcasts, it's like, "Hey, I got a laptop, we've all got laptops," You don't even need to jack mics in anymore. It doesn't require talent. It just requires somebody to have lived something of a life. You can't podcast with a baby -- I've tried, it doesn't work. But if they've lived somewhat of a life, you'll get something out of them.

And these cats [on Comic Book Men], man, I've known them for a long time. Far more interesting than anyone in this world and way more interesting than any character I've ever created, because my characters are always fictionalized versions of my friends so with this [show] and with the podcasts, it's almost like saying, "Ladies and gentlemen, never mind Dante and Randal or Brodie and T.S., here are the fucking real deal. You can live in adventure with them every day. With Mallrats, you get 90 minutes of Brodie and T.S. and you'll never get more than that and that's the only story. If you listen to Tell 'Em, Steve-Dave, you can hear an episode every week of Mallrats. And with this TV show, even more so."

On why he pursues projects across different media:
"Back in the day I was like 'No, you've got to like me for what I do.' Now I'm like, 'Like anything I do, because I do so much I don't give a shit if you like one thing or all the things, one thing is good enough for me.' That's why I do so many fucking things. Because you accept the fact that not everything you do is going to appeal to every fan of yours. You'll always lose them here or there, but if you can keep other things going that can engage them, you can slack here or there. Like, 'Yo, your movie fucking sucked but I love Smodcast so I'm going to let it ride.' And I'll take that. The older you get, the happier you are that anyone's paying attention because there's so much competition. There's more competition then when I started. We're competing with everyone now. The great democratization of a podcast, the wonderful thing about 'anybody can do this!' is that anybody can do this. And everybody is starting to do this. They're turning off other forms of programming and making their own and that's fucking cool.

When you start hearing podcasts form people who would never in a million years be in front of a microphone, you're starting to hear senses of humor that you would never hear otherwise. And that's where you find the fucking gold. That's where the Treys and the Matts come from. Up from the depths. It's everybody's time now. For years we used to sit there and be entertained -- 'You, sit here, we'll fucking show you shit.' You can do that now, it's your choice and there are wonderful entertainments that we can all engage in, in cinema and on TV. But we now also have the option to be like, 'Fuck it, I want to do it to. This looks fun, man.' The technology is such that it doesn't even cost that much to do it anymore. Us doing Clerks seems far more financially risky now than it did then. Now, with technology being what it is, we should've shot Clerks on a fucking cell phone.

So however you can do it, get your voice into the mix, man. Why not? 'Cause you're as interesting as the other guy. And that guy's as interesting as the next guy. We're all content generators and each one of us has this awesome back-pocket story that we know we can whip out at any occasion. And chances are if you've got one, you've got a few more. So that means everybody has at least stories to tell and those stories buoy you throughout the other content. Everything can't be an amazing fucking adventure story, but the shit in between, that's life, the marrow of life. That's interesting as well. And people sometimes just like to hear how other people live and go like, 'Phew, there are other people like me.' I made Clerks because I wanted to see if there was anyone out there who felt like me and my friends -- and I found out, yes. Making those podcasts, you get it confirmed almost daily. Throw it out there and they're like, 'we're just like you and your friends. You're not alone. And that's a good feeling in a weird cold world."

]]> Special Project tag:www.televisionwithoutpity.com,2012://2.43278 2012-02-10T21:31:39Z 2012-02-10T21:37:01Z The bullpen is decorated for Valentine's Day like it's a kindergarten classroom rather than an office, when not one but two Halperts show up for the day. Yep, Pam's back from maternity leave. She barely gets to enjoy her moment... M. Giant The bullpen is decorated for Valentine's Day like it's a kindergarten classroom rather than an office, when not one but two Halperts show up for the day. Yep, Pam's back from maternity leave. She barely gets to enjoy her moment before the entrance of none other than Angela, four days after having her baby (much to Dwight's consternation, although he seems to be a little more discreet than he was last week). Angela whips off her coat, revealing a perfect figure, and unveils the brownies and cookies she brought fro everyone. Of course this all makes Pam feel fat and useless and stupid (which of course is Angela's entire intent), but not enough to decline a brownie. Pam starts diving into her purse for some cash for everyone, but Jim wisely puts the kibosh on that.

Short credits, and then Andy has Dwight in his office, trying to draw out an exciting announcement. Dwight has no time for this game: "If you make me head of Sales one more time, I swear..." Instead, Andy breaks the news that Dwight has been chosen to go to Tallahassee to help launch a line of Sabre stores. Dwight does an entire karate routine of shouted Yeses, and a TH about how he's in a state of what the Schrutes call perfektenschlag, in which everything is working perfectly. It also translates to "perfect pork anus," but that's not what he means.

At Reception, Erin and Andy exchange a fax and some facts before Erin points out that they're wearing matching flashing heart pins. Of course, when Andy says his was from Jessica, Erin loses interest, and throws hers in the trash as soon as Andy steps away. Bitter Erin is a little off-putting.

Darryl enters his office to find knitted stocking cap on his desk, from Val. But as he says in a TH, he doesn't know whether it was a friend gift or a romantic one. So now, to clarify "the meaning of the beanie," Darryl plans to give her a really romantic gift. Hard to see how this could go wrong.

Dwight tells Pam she'll be joining him in Tallahassee, but Jim's not invited. "Does this have anything to do with what you were talking to Andy about?" Pam asks. Dwight: "God, you're such a spy!"

Down in the warehouse, Darryl presents himself to Val proudly wearing the beanie, only to look around and see that everyone in the warehouse is wearing one. "It's like the Nation of Islam down here," he says. Now Darryl is facing the issue of what to do with the silver-wrapped romantic gift he has in his hand. He ends up handing it off to the half-deaf warehouse guy, who I finally figured out is named Nate. He tells him to open it later, but Nate rips open a pair of cashmere gloves with a note, "I'm glad you're in my life." And now there's the issue of what to get Val. "Can't wait," she says.

Dwight is selecting his team, which still does not include Jim. And yet, while he's wandering the office taking cell phone pictures of his candidates, Jim gets a mysterious text from Robert California saying, "Bring your clubs to Florida." He's about to text back a pair of question marks, but Pam's getting her editor on, telling him to just send one. Jim gives us the look he used to give us when dealing with Michael.

Dwight has presented his list to Andy: Darryl, Phyllis, Toby, Angela and Oscar. Andy offers, "Someone less essential? Like a Creed or a Meredith perhaps?" Anyway, Andy assigns his own team: Darryl and Phyllis are fine, but Kathy, Kelly and Kevin are coming too. That's a lot of Ks, plus isn't Kathy just Pam's temporary replacement? For someone who has a made-up job in the first place? Dwight complains about having a chain with three weak links. "Have you ever tried to use a chain with three weak links? I have. And now I no longer own an Arctic Wolf."

We catch up with the Halperts in the break room, where Pam is micromanaging the text Jim's sending back to Robert. But then he thinks he should just call. "You're going to call someone that texted you?" Do you want to drive him away?" wails Kelly's entire pathology from the next table.

Darryl gets a call from a guy who wants to send his girlfriend in the warehouse flowers. Yep, that would be Val. Darryl takes this latest blow even more poorly than the earlier one.

Dwight stands up and brusquely summons his team into the conference room, and when he says it's for a business trip to Florida, the ones who aren't going don't take it well. "Why does [Kathy] even still work here?" Meredith asks, marking one of the very few times Meredith speaks for me. Dwight says that Andy (who is shut up in his office right now) had his own reasons for deciding who was most deserving of "this boondoggle of a lifetime," and knocks on Andy's door to have him come out and explain his picks. Andy tries to demur, and Angela calmly points out that the people chosen to go were obviously the least important to the office. We learn that Andy says "guys" a lot when he's nervous, and he says that he and Dwight picked them out. Dwight throws Andy right back under that bus, saying he had his own picks that Andy overruled. Stanley is still pissed about being passed over. "I'm the only person in this office who watches Burn Notice!" Yeah, even I don't watch that any more. Now that he knows so many people want to go, Andy announces that he's willing to hear them out. Dwight agrees that everyone should take five to six hours to come up with a statement, but Andy gets him down to thirty minutes. Which is a much more reasonable use of everyone's time.

Jim's latest draft of the text to Robert is being sent, politely turning down the offer. "And we managed to kill the entire morning,'" Pam adds, one second before a response comes back from Robert. "LOL." Erin reacts like it was an instruction.

In Andy's office, Ryan's doing a slide presentation on how they need Ryan or Kelly there. Not both, only one, and preferably Ryan. Kevin explains that his gambling rehab is in a place where he can go to dog races again. Toby's speech about Seasonal Affective Disorder finds Dwight quite receptive, but not Andy. Stanley's dressed up like Don Johnson with a straw fedora, pitching "Florida Stanley." And Erin says she wants to get out of the office and "clear her head." Dwight correctly says that's the last thing Erin needs, but Andy remarks that it wouldn't be hard to find someone to fill in. Erin does her best to act like she wasn't just stabbed in the chest.

Now Jim and Pam are in the kitchen, trying to figure out their next response to Robert before deciding he's probably going to have to go to Florida. And for some reason, we see that Kathy overheard this exchange.

Jim presents himself in Andy's office, and they both immediately shut him down, Dwight because he doesn't want to bring Jim and Andy because he considers Jim too essential. Jim tries to trap Dwight into agreeing to Jim's essentialness on camera, but even thought it means Jim is on his team, Dwight can't do it. So Jim shows them the text from Robert, and informs Dwight that when they're roommates in Florida, he wants them to shower together to save water.

Later, Dwight and Jim emerge from Andy's office to announce the final-final team: Kathy, Stanley, Ryan, Erin and Jim, all of whom Dwight hates. "Welcome to the team," he manages to grit out after a torrent of cursing and before locking himself in the conference room to scream.

Dwight ushers his Florida team into the conference room for "orientation," which includes such hazards as hurricanes, alligators, cockroaches, Casey Anthony and hurricanes. He's got the heat and humidity cranked up in there to show them just how miserable they'll be there. He's giving them a chance to opt out right now by "ringing this bell." "Is that the buzzer from Taboo?" Jim asks mildly, prompting Dwight to scream into his face drill-sergeant style. He's also filled the room with mosquitoes (which, don't worry, he'll clear out with frogs later), and is yelling in people's faces until Jim finally reaches over and slaps him on the forehead, causing him to stagger back and involuntarily squeeze the buzzer. "What was that?" he asks, dazed. "Mosquito," Jim says. End of orientation.

Down in the warehouse, Nate presents Darryl with a pack of "Nate Coupons," which include such items as a tickle-monster attack or a stick of gum, any time or any place. After Nate moves on, Darryl notices the flowers that have just been delivered to Val, and she claims they're from her mom. "So I guess that was your mom who called me earlier looking for the address?" Darryl asks. But Val insists that not only was that her mom, but her mom's name is Brandon. That's good enough for Darryl, for now: "This is a love beanie," he THs. Yep, Val likes him enough to knit him a hat she knitted everyone else and lie to him about having a boyfriend. They're the next Jim and Pam.

Dwight calls his Florida team back into the conference room for an actual meeting. Passing by Andy's doorway, Erin exchanges a look with the boss. In a TH, she tells us, "I'm going to Florida. And I'm not coming back." And she's taking half of the show's remaining laughs with her.

Inside the conference room, Dwight finally tells the team that they're branching into retail, like Apple. Ryan and Erin immediately come up with some actual, valid ideas that Dwight likes enough to starts writing on the flip chart. Jim asks if this is a good time to go over Dwight's expectations for them. Rather than snapping at Jim for interrupting this flow of ideas, Dwight is apparently struck by this sign that Jim is going to recognize his authority. And furthermore, he seems to realize that he's got a good gig, and maybe these people don't all suck as much as he might have thought. In a TH, he concludes, "Under the right manager, that's not a bad team. Perfektenschlag!"

The airport shuttle is here to pick up everyone at the office, where Pam, Andy and Kelly are seeing everyone off. Ryan tells Kelly to put his suit coat on his chair, and insists when she promises to sleep with it. He's going to come home to a very wrinkled suit coat. Pam tells Jim to call her when he lands, and Erin tells Andy as she hugs him, "Goodbye for a very, very, very long time." And Kathy's outside, on her cell phone to someone, talking about the trip and the fact that Jim will be there. "Marriage is not good, nobody knows better than me... Definitely we will... Three weeks in Tallahassee, what else is there to do?" Besides launch an entire retail branch in three weeks? I'm sure they'll have loads of spare time. But I've said this about Kathy before and I'll say it again: Uh-oh.

M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter , or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.

]]> Perception tag:www.televisionwithoutpity.com,2012://2.43266 2012-02-10T15:15:00Z 2012-02-10T15:29:32Z We start with a dark red close-up. The camera moves around to reveal we've been focused on the back of a box in Emanda's hand that holds an invitation for the Fire & Ice Ball from the pilot. Emanda voiceover:... Pablo G We start with a dark red close-up. The camera moves around to reveal we've been focused on the back of a box in Emanda's hand that holds an invitation for the Fire & Ice Ball from the pilot. Emanda voiceover: "Years ago, I met a boy who introduced me to a book -- The Marriage of Heaven and Hell. In it, William Blake writes, 'If the doors of perception were cleansed, everything would appear to man as it is... infinite.'" Brief montage of everyone's various reactions to receiving the engagement announcement: Ashley happily works on sending them out; Conrad sits in his office, holding it in his hand in contemplation; a maid hands one to Charlotte and she can't hold back a smile; Nolan flicks the faux diamond pendant in the box and sneers. Back to Emanda, sitting up in bed. She smiles when Daniel rolls over into frame, and they start making out in celebration of their love being disseminated to the masses. Emanda voiceover continues: "But in reality our perception is often clouded, by expectations, by experiences. As of late I find my perception is blinded by only one thing... revenge." Cut to an invitation propped upright. We pan over to see a laptop open with more interview footage of David Clarke. He's talking about being convinced that Victoria played no part in his arrest because he's the father of her daughter. Victoria sits at her vanity mirror watching this blankly. She reaches out and caresses David's face on the screen as Charlotte walks in. Her mother immediately shuts the laptop. Charlotte asks if she's seen the invitation, immediately sensing Victoria's disapproval. Never one to pass up an opportunity to attack her mother, Charlotte reminds her that Declan doesn't get much approval either. Victoria is such a broken woman at this point that she doesn't even try to protest.

Casa Emily. In the kitchen, Daniel gathers his things to get ready for work. Ems comes downstairs in all white, as per Victoria's request, for her engagement photo shoot at Grayson Manor. Daniel leaves, and Emanda heads straight for the infinity x infinity box. In her spotless white dress, she sits with her laptop and wears latex gloves. Her laptop is playing David's revelation that he's Charlotte's father again, but Emanda is burning it to a DVD. Her phone rings with a call from Nolan. He naturally opens with a barb about the Fire & Ice Ball invitation. "'Fire & Ice.' Mm... subtle. Were 'Fire & Brimstone' not available?" Then, he gets to the real questions. Last he was aware, Emanda was going to be putting all of her plans on hold. Now he's holding an invitation in his hand that says otherwise. Emanda explains the new wrinkle of Victoria claiming David raped her, and Ems is now waiting for the perfect moment to reveal to everyone Charlotte's paternity. She'll probably do that with the DVD she's just recorded, packed and addressed to Charlotte from "Amanda Clarke." She and Nolan hang up. Then, she happens upon Amily's cell phone in the infinity x infinity box, and sees twelve text messages and seven missed calls from Jack. Sadness.

Porter Bar. We're reminded Jack is still pretty banged up by seeing him shirtless with his ribs still bandaged. Nolan shows up along with some delivery men who are carrying a giant (seriously huge) HDTV. Jack tries to decline the gift, but Dec enters the scene, which means Jack's effortless humility buckles to Dec's effortless grubbiness. Noting his brother's pain, Dec figures he might as well hand him Emanda's engagement announcement now so he can deal with all the pain at once. Jack's still focused on Amily, though. He wants to know if maybe Nolan knows something about where she could've gone since he supposedly knew her father. Poor Jack confides to Nolan he thinks he's the reason she thought she was in trouble and left. You can see Nolan's cold, awkward heart break just a little bit before he tells Jack he should just rest right now. Left alone, Jack contemplates the engagement party invitation, and tosses it at his trash can, naturally missing it. He goes to pick it up and spots the Mason Treadwell cassette tape Emanda accidentally dropped under his bed. He picks up the tape and reads the label, which indicates it's one of Mason's interviews with Amanda. Jack's mind races with the realization his girlfriend might be an arsonist.

South Fork Inn. Conrad and Dan are having a business lunch together. Dad Grayson takes the opportunity to tease his son about the choice of "Fire & Ice" for the engagement party since it matches Victoria's dual personality. Dan's not too amused, and cautiously brings up Charlotte's paternity now that Victoria let him in on the secret. Conrad suggests Daniel can expect the same type of lying and secrets when he's married to Emanda. Just then, Grandpa Grayson shows up. Daniel's definitely happy to see him, but he has to leave to go meet Emanda for the photo shoot. Now that he's alone with Conrad, Grandpa Grayson's demeanor changes. He heard from Victoria about the divorce. Conrad notes that Gramps was always closer to Victoria. Concerned the company and their name is in trouble because of this public divorce, Grandpa Grayson asserts to his son that he didn't build the Grayson Global empire just to watch Conrad ineptly tear it down with poor family values. A little late for that, old man.

Back at the Stowaway, Jack sits in a chair with his phone to his ear and the cassette tape in his other hand. He gets Amily's voicemail, and begins leaving another message, but this one is angry. Jack tells her he's holding the tape as ransom until she agrees to meet face-to-face since he figures it's evidence she torched Mason's house. We cut to Emanda listening to the end of this voicemail. She's pensive hearing her destined-not-to-be soulmate demanding answers she owes him.

Uncharacteristically forceful 3-D title card and commercials

Fortress of Solitude. Emanda paces, irritated that Jack somehow found the tape. She and Nolan go back and forth about how it might've been possible until Nolan volunteers to get the tape back. He's happy to do it since he doesn't want to see Jack get hurt. Emanda takes exception to the implication she's indifferent to Jack's feelings. That doesn't stop Nolan from digging at her for looking too far down the line and ignoring the "mere mortals" involved. Nolan really knows how to give backhanded compliments.

Cut to a large family photo of the Graysons. This portrait is on the wall at the head of the main staircase of Grayson Manor. Victoria stares at it in a malaise. Ashley comes up to her to ask an unimportant question, which gets completely ignored by Victoria. Instead, she asks Ash if she was close to her family and goes on to confide she regrets not really knowing her father. They walk together downstairs to where the photo shoot is well underway. Victoria heads straight for Charlotte, who lounges in a chair. The conversation with Ashley has Victoria longing for some familial connection. She invites herself to maybe have lunch with her daughter and Declan, knowing that offering up some interest in Charlotte's boyfriend might give her an in. Charlotte remains a fortress against her mother's feeble attempts at having a mother-daughter connection. To exit the conversation, Charlotte jumps at the opportunity to be the next family member photographed. Daniel replaces her in conversation with Victoria, and advises his mom to tell Charlotte the truth since he would hope he'd be told the truth if it were him in this situation.

Daniel goes back to where Emanda is being photographed and tells her about grandpa showing up. Daniel admits that he never knows what to do when he's being photographed. The photographer suggests they both just think back to the moment they first saw each other. FLASHBACK: Dan drunkenly tries to pick up a girl at a bar with a William Blake poem. Wearing glasses and a beanie that totally signifies she's college-aged, Amanda watches and takes notes. /FLASHBACK. According to the photographer, the photos come out great. When asked, Emanda says she was thinking about the moment she knew Dan was the one. Conrad enters the scene, which gets a rise out of Charlotte because she can't wait to take a photo with her daddy. Poor Charlotte gets brushed aside by Conrad, so she lashes out by inviting her mom to lunch. Way to rebel, Charlie. The reason Conrad was too focused to pay attention to his daughter is because he needs to take Victoria aside privately to reprimand her for involving his father in their divorce. Realizing she has gained some power back, Victoria uses it to threaten she'll show Conrad's father just how dysfunctional the family has become unless Conrad promises not to reveal the truth to Charlotte and remain a loving father. Check and mate.

Porter Bar. Jack shows the tape to Nolan. Nolan: "Wow... dinosaur format!" (Love you, Nolan.) Nolan offers to take it back to his lab and try to find a player for it, but Jack is wise enough to keep the incriminating tape. Trying to take some edge off the situation, Nolan asks if it's a sex tape. Not a good time to tease Jack. After ordering Nolan to track down a video player, he storms off.

Back at the photo shoot, Victoria exits the study and tells Dan and Emanda that despite everything that's happened recently they need to be very welcoming to Grandpa Grayson. Ems asks Dan what that was all about. He figures it means his mother just got what she wanted. Heh. Cue Emanda's phone with a call from Nolan. He's a bit panicked because he wasn't able to snag the tape from Jack, but he figures he might still have a chance to erase it if Jack hasn't watched it yet. Emanda asks what number was on the tape's label. She robotically knows which one it was by just being told the number. It's an interview from when she was 10. Nolan asks what she's going to do. Cryptically, Emanda says she's going to do what she hoped she wouldn't have to do, and hangs up. Ashley walks up to make small talk about the photo shoot, so Emanda suggests maybe they can reshoot the photos outdoors -- an idea Ash would've come up with herself it weren't for Victoria. Emanda asks Ashley to tell Daniel she's going to go run some secret wedding errands.

The phone rings at the Stowaway. It's Amily calling from a motel room. On the verge of tears, she very deliberately and somewhat stilted says she just needs the tape back. She ignores Jack's questions, and just gives him an address before hanging up. Ems stands behind her, not necessarily pleased with herself.

Commercials

Back in the motel room, Amily and Emanda have a chance to talk. Amily wants to know how Jack is doing. He's confused, Emanda says. When asked by Amily if they should just tell him the truth, Emanda balks. Jack wouldn't be too pleased with Amily if he found out she was pretending to be Emanda this whole time. Also, he would go after Victoria, and there's no telling what could happen to him. Amily stares back at Emanda like a child, grudgingly trusting her.

Porter Bar. Charlotte and her mother walk in. Victoria has her hair tied back in a ponytail, big, gold hoop earrings and a tight turquoise sweater. She's a slumming chameleon! She takes one look around when they step into the bar, and vomits with her eyes. Declan greets the two ladies, and starts to crack a "two Graysons walk into a bar" joke, but Victoria cuts him off as politely as she's capable of to ask for a wine list. It's a short list -- they have red and white. Victoria needs a bourbon on the rocks. She and Charlotte take a seat at a table, and Charlotte can already sense her mother is disgusted. Knowing how big a deal this is to her daughter, Victoria feigns tolerance and says she thinks it's important to shake up your perspective every once in a while. Also, she wants to get to know her daughter. In that case, Charlotte opportunistically asks if Declan can join them for dinner with Grandpa Grayson tonight. Damn tricky daughters.

Ashley shows up at Conrad's room at the South Fork Inn to pick up the list of invites for the Fire & Ice Ball. Conrad stops her before she leaves to ask what her endgame is. He can't figure out where Ashley's ambitions lie, and he thinks she's hitching herself to the wrong Grayson since Conrad is so confident Victoria is going down. Ash doesn't necessarily disagree with Mr. Grayson.

Jack arrives at Amily's motel. She can't even look him in the eye when she answers the door and he angrily barges in the room, accusing her of planning their getaway trip as an alibi. Amily can't stand the confrontation any longer, so she readily admits to being an arsonist. Jack isn't appeased. He says he's keeping the tape because he wants to see what was worth her throwing everything they had away. He leaves. Ems comes out of hiding from the bathroom to tell Amily she needs to go after him. It's what's best for him. But Amily is done. She sits down on the motel bed and tells Ems that if she wants the tape she has to go after him herself. She gets up and slams the bathroom door behind her.

Commercials

Fortress of Solitude. Emanda catches Nolan up on what happened with Amily. Nolan doesn't understand what the big deal is about Jack watching the tape and learning the truth. The big deal is Ems wants Jack's memory of Amanda to be of the girl he left behind. Nolan thinks it's more about Emanda moving on than Jack. Touché. In any case, the current agenda for Ems is now dinner with Grandpa Grayson and pitting Victoria's lies against her. She maintains Charlotte deserves to know the truth. "Who's going to tell her?" Nolan asks. "Our father is," Ems replies.

Emanda arrives at Grayson Manor and hands the package addressed to Charlotte to the help. Grandpa Grayson arrives shortly after, and is totally an attention whore. He has that whole brazen old man thing going. He immediately takes a shine to Dec because he senses the young man is a fish out of water. Later at dinner, he poses the question to Emanda and Daniel, "How did you two lovebirds meet?" FLASHBACK: Back in the college bar, Daniel's conversation with the bar girl has spilled over to Amanda. Daniel asks for advice on how to make a name for himself if he wants to be a poet despite being rich and famous. She advises he be better than his parents. Nothing more poetic than that. /FLASHBACK. Conrad arrives and excuses himself for a call. He asks Charlotte to come with him. Later, Grandpa slow dances with Victoria and asks if her marriage could be salvaged. He doesn't want for her and Conrad to end up alone like he did. Most importantly, he asks Victoria to promise the divorce won't get ugly. Again, too late for that, old man.

Fortress of Solitude. Jack hands the tape over to Nolan. When Nolan jokes about being Jack's personal Geek Squad, Jack admits Nolan has been a really good friend to him and he appreciates it. Nolan levels with him, asking why he wants to watch the tape. Jack figures reality can't be worse than his imagination. If he's going to let her go, he has to know the truth. Nolan thinks for a second, then bypasses erasing the tape and plays the real thing for him. It's little Amanda talking about Victoria's affair with David. She's begging Mason to find Victoria to get help for David. The video ends, and Nolan softly tells Jack he's sorry. Jack is in a complete daze. He gets up and leaves.

Conrad and Charlotte sit in the study at Grayson Manor. Conrad apologizes for taking out his frustrations on her. He claims he just wants her to end up tough enough to handle whatever might happen. Charlottes asks if he remembers when she got dumped at her sweet sixteen party. She was hiding in her room from all her friends when he told her to let her friends wait, staying with her and telling her jokes to make her laugh. He admits her laugh is his favorite sound in the world. Char says she's not afraid of anything as long as she has him. They hug. Ems sees this from the next room. She immediately goes and snags the package. Victoria happens to bump into her at that exact moment and causes her to drop it. Victoria picks it up first, but Ems snatches it back, claiming it's a DVD from another wedding planner. Crisis averted

Jack shows up at Amily's motel room again, and keeps banging on the door while she sits inside, crying. He tells her he knows everything and doesn't blame her. Amily can't handle it anymore. She dials Emanda and demands to know why she let him watch the tape. This is news to Ems. She tries to express as much to Amily, but Amily is done listening to her. Amily says she's going after him herself and hangs up. At that moment, Grandpa Grayson snatches Emanda's phone and guides her back to the party since she's being rude. Back at the motel, Amily runs outside after Jack's truck and stops out of breath.

Commercials

Grayson Manor. Dan finishes up the story of the night of their engagement. Conversation turns to Emanda. Grandpa thinks Ems reminds him a lot of Victoria. That gets a jaw clench from the queen. Suddenly, Jack shows up and interrupts everything. He's super pissed and pushing past all the servants. He confronts Victoria about her affair with David. When Victoria plays dumb, Jack pulls out the cassette tape to back up his claims. He threatens to reveal the truth about Victoria if she continues spreading lies about Amanda. He leaves. Dan jumps to his mother's defense, and asks her to admit she was raped. That prompts Conrad to jumps in and reveals Victoria is just covering her ass. He sees an opportunity to control the damage of a revelation to Charlotte, and breaks the news to her that David Clarke is really her father. She's absolutely crushed. Charlotte turns to her mother who has no words at all. Charlotte gets up from the table and runs out. Victoria instantly turns to Conrad, declaring she'll never forgive him for this. Daniel is still hopelessly loyal, so Conrad declares the truth about it not being a rape -- that Victoria had an ongoing affair. Dan asks his mom if this is the truth. Completely defeated, Victoria just gets up from the table and walks away. Emanda watches all of this unfold with her eyes welling up with tears.

Commercials

Gramps is pissed. Conrad follows him to the front door of Grayson Manor, asking why his father is talking to him like he's the one who slept with David. Grandpa Grayson holds Conrad accountable for making his kids live this charade. He cares more about family than business, and Conrad has lost sight of that. Grandpa Grayson suggests Conrad step down as CEO at Grayson Global and groom Dan to take his place. Before he leaves, he throws his weight around by reminding Conrad he is still chairman of the board. Somebody missed their nap.

Jack's phone rings. It's Emanda. She asks if he's talked to Amily. He hasn't been able to get a hold of her. Emanda suggests Amily probably just doesn't want to be found right now. Jack tells her that she should've seen the tape. He continues, "[Amanda] was this little girl who everyone stopped fighting for." That sends Emanda over the edge. She tells him she has to go just as Daniel shows up. He bears the news that Charlotte isn't answering her phone, and he'll never believe another word his mother says. Altogether not a bad day.

Charlotte is safe and sitting with Dec at the bar of the Stowaway just the two of them. He's trying to suggest reasons her mother might've lied to her, but Charlotte won't even entertain them. She gets up and grabs a bottle. Dec is completely in perfect boyfriend mode for this scene. He tells Charlotte to put the bottle down and suggests Conrad will still be her father even if he's not really her dad. What does Charlotte think about that? She thinks her father is dead. The rich really don't know how to appreciate what they have.

Jack looks out of his window longingly. Emanda voice-over: "Truth is a battle of perceptions. People only see what they're prepared to confront." Victoria walks around the empty dinner table and picks up Charlotte's coat from the ground. She whispers her daughter's name. Emanda VO continued: "It's not what you look at that matters, but what you see." Emanda arrives at Casa Emily while talking on the phone with Nolan. She asks what happened with the tape. Nolan lies about the eraser being a relic that couldn't be counted on. Ems catches Nolan up on the fallout of Jack showing up at dinner. Though Charlotte finding out about her origin was an eventuality, Emanda's really upset at how it all went down. She opens her front door and finds the secret compartment in the floor where she keeps the infinity x infinity box is open. She drops her phone and leaves Nolan hanging. Ems VO continued: "And when different perceptions battle against one another, the truth has a way of getting lost." In the compartment, there's an RSVP card sitting in the box with "Will attend" triple underlined in red and an "X" marked next to it. Emanda stands up in a panic and looks around her empty apartment. VO continued: "And the monsters find a way of getting out." Emanda stands barefoot and alone in her living room, staring down at the RSVP card.

-- Pablo G. is some guy who lives in San Antonio, Texas. He co-hosts TWoP's original "Trailers Without Pity" with his brother Omar G. Check him out at The YES and NO and Pablog and follow him @PendejoJoe on Twitter.

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]]> Dangerous Liaisons tag:www.televisionwithoutpity.com,2012://2.43283 2012-02-10T15:08:41Z 2012-02-10T15:36:14Z Cindy McLennan Fashion Face Off tag:www.televisionwithoutpity.com,2012://2.43282 2012-02-10T14:57:45Z 2012-02-10T15:41:06Z Jeff Long Valentine tag:www.televisionwithoutpity.com,2012://2.43281 2012-02-10T14:51:15Z 2012-02-10T14:52:58Z Jeff Long Hollywood Round, Part 2 tag:www.televisionwithoutpity.com,2012://2.43280 2012-02-10T14:44:57Z 2012-02-10T14:55:13Z Welcoming us to the second round of Hollywood Week, Ryan tells us that dreams came crashing down last night. Well, and one human being, too, but we'll get to that after the credits. Speaking of that, there's the whole... M. Giant Welcoming us to the second round of Hollywood Week, Ryan tells us that dreams came crashing down last night. Well, and one human being, too, but we'll get to that after the credits.

Speaking of that, there's the whole replay from last night of Symone Black staggering clean off the stage, only not at all cleanly, and we rejoin that moment of crisis still in progress. Symone eventually wakes up with crowds of worried people around her, and Jennifer at least has finally been arsed to get down off the judge's dais. Symone is delivered an emergency Coke (refreshing and ideal for medical emergencies -- now that's product placement) and eventually guided out of the theater with her dad, under her own steam. Now we go back a bit further, recalling other members of this group who sang last night, like Lauren Mink. and Jeremy Rosado. We also catch up with Ethan Jones, the kid whose dad is in rehab. I'm glad to see his forehead has stopped bleeding. While Symone is bundled into a nondescript white molester van and not an ambulance at all, Steven asks Lauren, Ethan, and another young woman to step forward. They're leaving, but it took the judges so long to get around to telling them that Symone's already at the hospital, at least according to the editing. So Jeremy's still in it. Ethan and Lauren, on the other hand, are philosophical about what they're going home to. Which is good, because they're going there, like, right now. Still, there are 185 people who survived the first round, all of whom seem pretty happy about it. But that's just for now, because according to the preview for the rest of the episode, Symone seems to have started a trend. And they don't even know if it worked yet.

At 8:20, there's a party going on inside the audition hall, with singing and dancing among the 185 survivors. Of course, half of them will be gone tomorrow, but for now they're on a high. Ryan gives an intro of the group round with a whole video montage mishmash of past seasons' drama, with the screen labeled "Past Seasons" so we know it's from past seasons. This season, the party's over at 8:30, and everyone is herded into the auditorium to hear the rules from producer Ken Warwick: they have to form groups of four or five, and each group has to include members from both days of the first Hollywood round. Which, as Ryan says, is quite a bombshell for lots of people who only bonded with people who auditioned the same day and already formed groups. Sucks to be on American Idol, dude. One of the people who has trouble finding a group to join is Alisha Bernhardt, a police officer from the St. Louis auditions. But with her magnetic personality, and pleasant demeanor, and adamant insistence on singing either "Joy to the World" or "Stuck Like Glue," I'm sure she won't be on her own for long. Also out in the cold for now is full-time tent-dweller Amy Brumfield, and Ryan can't resist saying she can't "find a home," a rather tacky callback to her living situation. And? She has the flu, so nobody wants to be in a group with her for fear of getting sick. One pathetic twosome gets onstage and hollers out for takers to sing "More than a Feeling" with them. Amy Brumfield, meanwhile, is sitting on a chair in the wings and feeling desperate for fresh air, after all this time being inside. I would have thought she'd had enough fresh air for a lifetime.

Alisha finally finds another competitor to join with, which, given her charm, is quite a feat. Although it's possible the scraggly-looking little loser is just afraid she'll beat him up. Heejun and country-baritone Richie Law end up throwing in with Phillip Phillips and Jaron Jackson (who still needs a haircut) to sing "Broken Strings" under the group name MIT, although none of them seem to think it's ideal. And poor Amy Brumfield is stuck having to go to Alisha to join her sad little group. Alisha thinks she might have found someone to sing "Joy to the World" with her, Amy, and Scraggly, but when she sings the first "Jeremiah was a bullfrog" line of the Three Dog Night song, the other girl is like, "Oh, no," and stomps off. Alisha assures us she's used to people running from her, but the other girl, Brianna Bell, is working the room, not satisfied with anything or anyone she encounters. In fact, "oh, no" quickly becomes her catchphrase. Other groups are already starting to rehearse together out in the hall. The "More than a Feeling" group tries to recruit Alisha's group, only to piss her off about not wanting to sing a "Christmas song." Now it's Alisha's turn to get pissed off and stomp away, which is a very unwise move, because by the time she gets back, Amy and Scraggly have signed up with the "More than a Feeling" duo. Thus is Hollywood Week proven to be a recipe for drama for uptight assholes who can't get along with anyone. Alone again, she starts hollering for people to sing "Joy to the World" with her. Jeez, lady, suck it up. You have the whole competition to sing exactly the song you want, unless you go home tomorrow.

Back from ads, we see a few groups rehearsing already, but that level of functionality is not interesting, so let's watch Alisha go charging around the hall telling everyone she's a cop and asking if they like cops and want to sing with one. Maybe she should be looking for a construction worker, a sailor, and an Indian. Meanwhile, "Oh No" girl has joined a group of teen girls called the Bettys. And Alisha finally manages to bully her way into a group, and when Alisha's in a group, everyone's in a group.

Ryan tell us this is a lot of pressure for most, but not for Brielle Von Hugel, who won her group round in Season 10 in a group with Pia Toscano, and is now in a group with Shannon Magrane and shlubby, pretty-voiced frat boy Kyle Crews from the San Diego auditions. She seems to have appointed herself president of the group, although Kyle seems to think he has as well. On the sidelines, Brielle's mom thinks Kyle is going to get them gonged early on by starting with a solo. Oh, and look who's back: Symone and her dad. She explains to the camera that she was dehydrated, so she needs more water, food, and rest. "She needs to drink more," her dad corrects dickishly while Symone makes a face like she really wants to be unconscious again. Now she has to find a group of four that will take her in, while Symone's dad takes pains informs us that he's not a stage dad, but a mentor. "Soon to be a famous mentor," he adds without irony. Oh, man. Can I be unconscious? Symone gets herself admitted to a group of four, who I don't think realized they'd be taking her dad on as well.

We get an update of "Make You Believers," Alisha's former group that still includes Amy Brumfield and her flu. Her groupmates are staying hydrated, but other people Amy has come in contact with are getting sick, like one of the Bettys who was unlucky enough to be holding hands with Amy onstage during the first Hollywood round. In other health news, Phillip Phillips looks like he may be on his fifth kidney stone. Meanwhile, his groupmate, Richie Law, is trying to teach his group new chords, harmonies, and dance moves from square one rather than working with what his partners can actually do. One of them, Heejun, bitches extravagantly and entertainingly at the camera until Richie wanders into the background, cueing the The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly theme. Because of how Richie wears a cowboy hat.

We come back at midnight, and some groups are confident enough in their songs to head to bed. But other groups, like Alisha's Four Girls and That Guy, are short their Guy, Christian, who's been up in his room sick for two hours with what Ryan is now calling the Idol Bug. Is there any proof that some pathogen wasn't intentionally introduced into the Hollywood population like typhoid-infest blankets? Christian blurrily (seriously, the camera following him sees trails) returns to his group to join rehearsals, but Alisha is now struggling with the song she herself suggested, and Christian has to keep scooting away to crash and vomit and what not. Ryan is now referring to Amy as "Patient Zero," who is filled with new determination now that she's sweated out everything else. Back to MIT, where Heejun tells us that Phillip had a kidney stone, and "Cowboy had a... brain stone, I don't know." I'm going to be sad when Heejun leaves. Indeed, Richie is insisting on making it as complicated as possible for everyone in his group. And thus Heejun hates cowboys now. Speaking for himself to an interview camera, Richie lectures that democracy is all well and good when you have enough time, but after shooing Heejun away, he insists, 'We're gonna do this my way and that's it." That's a wrap for MIT for tonight.

The night wears on, and the Bettys are starting to come apart, arguing about whether it's time to go to bed or not. Eventually they start dropping off one by one, leaving Jennifer the deposed Alpha-Betty all alone singing and crying and needing a nap more than anyone in Los Angeles at that time.

Coming back, it's 3:00 AM and Jennifer is still the last Betty standing, whining over the phone to someone until Brianna comes back, tearfully announcing she's not leaving, now that she's seen other groups still rehearsing. The two of them spend another couple of hours working on lyrics and dance moves, so I guess the other three will just stand upstage of them humming during the performance tomorrow. They eventually go to bed after five in the morning to have a refreshing hour of rest.

Other people are getting an early start the next morning. The judges show up, and I think Steven's outfit for the day includes a holster, which is not going to help anyone's already frazzled nerves. People are rehearsing all over the place, in the bathrooms, outside, every available flat surface. The judges join everyone in the auditorium, and wouldn't you know it, the Bettys are up first. Good thing 40% of them stayed up late rehearsing. There's a long pause while the five Bettys hum to find their pitch. Finally, at center stage, Jennifer raises her microphone, draws breath to sing, and--the end! And we managed to get through the entire hour of tonight's singing competition without actually hearing anyone actually sing competitively. But I guess with House being cancelled this week, AI is has to fill Fox's medical drama slot too.

M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.

]]> The Follow Game tag:www.televisionwithoutpity.com,2012://2.43279 2012-02-10T14:35:57Z 2012-02-10T14:37:46Z Previously: The Situation lost his marbles... well, technically they were hanging out of his unzipped pants. He went from confiding in Snooki to deciding she was plotting against him and calling to unleash the Unit on her. Meanwhile, JWOWW's relationship... Lady Lola Previously: The Situation lost his marbles... well, technically they were hanging out of his unzipped pants. He went from confiding in Snooki to deciding she was plotting against him and calling to unleash the Unit on her. Meanwhile, JWOWW's relationship with Roger faltered.

We return in media res as Sitch called Unit to attack Snooki and Jionni like a starving hound. Alas, Unit would be in Miami. Sitch was obviously disappointed but rallied a little when he got to gossip like a teenage girl with Unit about his brother's hook-up with Deena's sister. They go back and forth about some sex act that is bleeped out and I am apparently too pristine of mind and soul to understand. Sorry for letting you readers down, but if you know what he's saying, well then shame on you! Wash your mind out with soap immediately. [Note: I used my Jersey girl powers to determine it was the slang word for "female ejaculation." -- RS.]

Speaking of people who could use a good washing, Snooki returns home from her vagina-doctor appointment, a.k.a. Father's Day Out. Also speaking of washing, the gang prepares to get ready for da club when Vinny tells Deena he's taking a dump. She's all, "Awesome, I'll come in to shower right after!" Appropriately, Deena is wearing a trucker hat that says "DIRTY" in graffiti text, and Pauly chimes in, "Go poop, and I'll clean that shit up for you." I know they're like family and all, but that is a little too open and honest for me. Maybe it's the uptight WASP in me, but I do not talk with my family about their bowel movements, and I certainly do not make plans specifically around (both physically and mentally) around them. Just me?

Downstairs, JWOWW is forlorn for the lack of Roger, and no amount of fresh-off-the-rack weave can console her. Upstairs, The Situation is snoring like the calf-high white sock-wearing old man he is. Snooki tries to wake him up to join them at da club, but he brushes her off and says he has a headache. (An excuse I'm sure he's heard many a time from former girlfriends.) Snooki interviews that this bullshit is exactly why nobody like ol' Sitch: Because he blows you off just when you're trying to be his friend. And maybe because he carries on entire conversations unaware that his dick is hanging out of his pants?

The kids head to Aztec, for which Vinny will not be serving as spokesman any time soon. He calls it a "sweat box" because "there's sweat and B.O. everywhere. I kind of feel like I'm back in Italy -- minus the arm pit hair." Add the Italian Tourism Board to organizations he'll never represent publicly. Regardless, the kids are having a good time. Snooki in particular (wearing a leopard print trucker hat and Yeti boots, it's worth noting... just because) demonstrates a fierce robot dance. JWOWW, however, is clearly not into it as she sways half-heartedly. She becomes the third roommate of the season (after Vinny and Sitchy) who is described as "in a funk" and, with that, the tri-funk-ta is complete! Snooki is annoyed that JWOWW is such a downer, but JWOWW soon rids her of this inconvenience by making an excuse about having work the next morning (like that would ever stop a guido from beating up the beat!) and leaves early.

Vinny is in the midst of prowling for chicks. He lands on a DTF girl named Deanna that he admits isn't really up to standards. She's only a 5-6 looks-wise when he's looking for a 7-8. I utterly disagree and think she's super-cute, but it's no matter because he sends Deanna to marinate with Deena while he looks for better options. He quickly lands eyes on an Eve Mendes lookalike named Nikki and starts chatting her up. There's a brief moment when Deanna returns. It looks like Vinny is busted, but he pulls a one-two punch, innocently introducing her to Nikki (and bless her, she smiles and says hi like she on The Bachelor where this kind of bunk is acceptable) before Deena swoops in to take Deanna back to the dance floor. Of course Deena is actually proud of herself for this bullshit that only entitles these jackholes to continue to brutally objectify women and bolster their own inflated egos. Hrmph.

Across the club, Snooki is still sad that JWOWW flaked and decides she's drunk enough to stumble home alone. She initially tries to walk through a glass door, which works... not so well. Eventually she finds her way out onto the Boardwalk, where she sways and staggers and generally walks like a fresh-legged toddler. She does acknowledge that the Boardwalk is at least easier to walk on drunk than the Florentine cobblestones. Luckily, this lonely little adventure does not turn into a Lifetime abduction movie, and Snooki safely arrives home and passes out in all her clothes and shoes. Again. Fingers crossed the antibiotics have kicked in and she doesn't wet the bed tonight.

Back at Aztec, Nikki informs Vinny she's a girl-on-girl kind of girl. Instead of shutting him down and sending him into the arms of Deanna (who's still dancing with Deena), this only piques Vinny's interest. With his soft features, he thinks he would be a great transition for a lesbian back to straight society. I'm going to go ahead and call bullshit on Nikki's lesbianism. Either way, whether she likes girls or boys, it's clear she loves the camera because she goes home with the gang and lets Vinny drape his arms all over her along the way. All the while, poor desperate Deanna trails behind with Deena, little droplets of dignity and self-respect trailing behind her. Congratulations, Deanna, you just became Plan B! Even Deena says of Deanna, "She has no idea what the hell she's getting herself into." As everyone heads inside, Nikki says it's the end of the line, and there's old Plan B waiting in the wings.

The next morning, JWOWW calls Roger. He finally answers and barely gets out a hello before she snaps, "Where the hell have you been?!" He laughs at her stank attitude before saying his phone got messed up, and he had to take the day off to address it (even though he has a work phone). JWOWW is pissed because Roger never takes the day off for her (you'll remember that his plan to come to Italy last season fell through because he couldn't get time off work). Seriously though, isn't he a professional body builder or trainer or something? It's not like he's a baby doctor or the president. Surely he has a fairly flexible schedule, no? But I digress... She hangs up and goes to bitch to Snooki, interviewing, "I feel like I know where I stand, and he can go fuck himself." That's love, folks.

Snooki finally drags herself out of her bed to first confess that she's needs a therapist and AA meeting, then to precariously plop herself into the roof deck hammock for an extension nap-slash-kibbutz with the seagulls. The confession continues, "Daytime altogether is, like, so fucking annoying. Like, go away! In Arkansas, it's always dark out. So you just... everything's dark. Always." (Step one, she's thinking of Alaska. Step two, it's actually the opposite. Another victory for American schooling!) Snooki tries to get out of the hammock and... splat. As the guys say goodbye to their tricks (Deanna was only average, says Vinny), Snooki lies on the hammock base for some time more, contemplating whether to poop or throw up. She gets up just long enough to sweep the bed (wha?) in the Communal Smush Room, note a gross stain on the mattress, and then lie down and wrap herself around a broom for another cat nap.

Duck phone! JWOWW answers, and Roger doesn't even recognize her voice. He tells her he's stuck at work and is going to be late for her date. He'll be there by 5 PM, but she has to be back home by 6:30 PM. He asks if she wants to reschedule, she gives him a disappointed "meh," and the argument quickly spins out to a climax of her unloading all her grievances (and calling him out for being at the beach with his boys, not her) on him. She rains her wrath down on him and hangs up without giving him the chance to respond. She tells Sammi she feels like Roger doesn't consider a priority for him, concluding, "the damage is done." Honey, the damage was done when you put on those pink boots and that Flashdance top.

Pauly and the Meatballs head to work, aching to make trouble. They bitch about the broken air conditioner then spend several minutes playing the follow game (i.e. running one after another). They're short enough that Danny can barely see their neon pink trucker hats bobbing up and down over the clothing racks. When he's not looking, they slip out of the store and go running down the Boardwalk. Freedom! Now they know what it must have felt like for William Wallace. One of their coworkers immediately guesses they probably ran to the bar (where there are, indeed, ordering two shots of SoCo... what was that about AA, Snooki?). Danny heads off to bring back the "dingbats."

As he walks out, Pauly jokes, "Put the music on, the boss is gone!" But there would be no music. Except maybe the Bernard Herrmann-esque shrieking of violins because Pauly quickly spots his stalker, whose clear awareness of the camera and pointed looks at the camera are kind of starting to think she's a little wackadoo. I know a Situation she'd get along nicely with! Pauly walks deeper into the store to hide from his pursuer. Coincidentally, that's exactly what Snooki and Deena do when Danny (who, according to Deena, "is being such an annoying") arrives at the bar. Shockingly Snooki's gamble on hiding under a ping pong table in broad daylight doesn't pay off. The girls, it turns out, are not above the law, and Deena tells Danny as they shame-walk back home, "You're not my friend anymore." Adding insult to injury, just a few minute later, a girl asks, "Where a good place to get a drink on the Boardwalk?" Since the girl is apparently a bachelorette, the girls appoint themselves her Meatballs of Honor and take her for a drink. Danny notices a little later and asks, "Are you kidding me?" The shift is winding down, so he defeatedly asks Pauly to tell the Meatballs they're in trouble.

Back at the house, Sitch is still sleeping and snoring, snoring and sleeping. Pauly arrives home to tell the others about his stalker. JWOWW thinks this girl is like Kathy Bates' character in Misery and is but a sledgehammer away from "smashing [Pauly's] kneecaps [sic]." Pauly also tells them about the Meatballs dipping out of work, and everyone decides to go find the little drunken moppets, though JWOWW admits she's only joining the bandwagon because she doesn't want to get stuck at home with Sitch. They roll out and quickly find the Meatballs dancing like it's Riccione 2011. JWOWW splinters off from the guys to join them, and Snooki admits she's happy her girl has hit a rough patch in her relationship because it means she'll join them in getting #STUPiDFACEDD. (Yeah, I know I've linked to that before, but it's a classic, even without the dance-your-pants-off hilarity.)

On the Boardwalk, Pauly spots his stalker rockin' her airbrush "PAULY D" Italian flag trucker hat and "CABS ARE HERE!" customized shirt. He becomes concerned.

Back home, The Situation finally wakes up and is dispirited to find that everyone abandoned his ass. More accurately, he's dispirited that he's not in control. If the group goes out and he cut himself off, that's all good. If they take the power from him by not constantly talking (even if it's shit-talking), then he basically ceases to exist. Sitch is like the proverbial tree in the forest. Only more of an asshole. Once again he references how nice he's been (nice like showing his roommates his junk?) the "whole summer" (the whole summer like the last four or five non-continuous days?) and sets the others up to be blamed when "sooner or later" the bad guy in him comes out. Obviously no one has ever told Sitch he has a choice whether or not to be a shithead.

The Meatballs arrive home and, though it's dark, claim it's still early. Snooki invites Sitch to join them in going out, which confuses him because it doesn't conform with this utterly made-up vision of her as a villainess that he made up in his head about 24 hours ago. He decides to go with her, if only to forward his plans of her demise. As Snooki gets ready, JWOWW tearfully mopes about Roger's absentee boyfriend behavior. Snooki doesn't even look in her direction as she issues a dismissive, "Poopy, you'll be fine." Snooki has more important things to do than console her friend -- like murder her liver and spend hours of her life that she'll never get back with Sitch.

Elsewhere, Vinny and Pauly spend the evening playing a little cue ball and lobbing grenades at one another. Awesomely, Pauly's stalker is in the building yet again. Vinny: "We think she snuck a GPS system into Pauly's blowout." Of course he leaps at the chance to introduce Pauly and this Boardwalk goddess formally. To Pauly's credit, he does humor the girl (Vanessa, the same name as his sister!) for a few awkward moments before announcing, "I gotta go to the bathroom real bad!" and dipping out of there. He concedes, "It's fair to say Vinny won this battle, but he will not win the war!"

The Meatballs conclude their evening of dancing on bars and head back home in the cab with Sitch. As they issue him backhanded compliments ("Who would have known we could have fun with you?") and commend him for not being a shit stirrer, he interviews that he's currently keeping his friends close and his enemies closer. Sitch laughs along with the girls as they giddily cheer about being "Bodacious! Vivacious!" And that was the night Team Crazypants was born.

Bonus footage: Snooki's bunny has a name -- Lola! (That's my Italian nickname!) Snooki sits out on the patio, making up Lola like a grade-A tart, and tells her, "You were a hit today. Everybody loved you!" Cue flashbacks of "Lola" riding roller coasters and partying on the Boardwalk. Lola is from Vegas, apparently, so "no one can handle [her]."

The next day, Deena is assuring Sammi and Ronnie that the Meatballs didn't get in trouble for drinking through work. Pauly corrects this misapprehension, telling them Danny was irate. Deena suddenly remembers that real people face consequences for their decision and worries that she might get fired and kicked out of the house. Ronnie advises her to apologize before her next shift, so Deena heads to the duck phone. He tells her, "An apology's not going to get you very far" and refuses to give them a verdict on whether they'll be fired or not. (They won't.)

The kids wile away the afternoon with ridiculata: Snooki and Ronnie head upstairs to set up a bag toss game (why? don't ask...). Snooki can't resist stuffing herself into the box, and Vinny can't resist sneaking up behind her to knock her over. Downstairs JWOWW wonders, "How is there a pretzel in my makeup?" Sunday dinner (a traditional meal of Chinese takeout) arrives, and the kids sit down. Sitch asks Deena about her sister and his brother. She is hopeful about their prospects while Sitch puzzles over the possibility he could become Deena's brother-in-law. It seems a distant possibility, mind you, because Baby Deena is The Sitchlet's rebound from a nine-year relationship. As such, everyone basically calls Deena's sister a big fat whore. To her credit, Deena shuts that disrespect down immediately. Way to stand up for yourself, li'l Meatball!

Sitch tires of playing nice with Deena and heads to the phone to get some dirty details from Unit. Unit is scant on details but seems to think Deena's sister has been the victim of a smash-and-dash. Sitch tries to be discreet (an impossible feat), but Deena happens upon the conversation. She admits she's disappointed to have to think about any familial relationship with Sitch at all because, even though he's been nice for a couple days, a "leopard never shed its stripes." Okay, readers, just let that malapropism sink in for a few minutes. She only had to get out five words, and she still managed to fuck up three of them. Further, I suspect if she had spelled that sentence out, she would have used "it's." Zero points, Deena.

The Situation hangs up the phone, but it quacks a split-second later. Baby Deena's ears must have been burning because it's her. He asks her how things are going with his brother, and BD tells him from the land of ignorant bliss that she'd love to see Sitchlet again. She claims they talk every other day on the phone. Sitch nearly does the humane thing in telling her that his brother just got out of a long relationship, but he undoes all the gentle letdown potential at the end telling her, "but at the same time I know he likes you. I want things to work out between you guys because I think it's cute." She takes his domino setting-up in earnest, not knowing he just wants to have something to laugh at when it all falls apart. Then he can't help himself to implore, "Tell your sister that I spoke to you and that I'm very nice -- because she thinks I'm the devil." And after tonight, so will Baby Deena

Upstairs, the kids are partaking in old-timey fun, tossing beans and flying kites. Sitch tells Deena about his devil comment to BD. Deena breaks down the semantics: "I don't think you're the devil, Mike. Sometimes I think you're devilish." As she says this, smoke wafts around his head (from his cigarette, but still...). Deena insists she'll always be on her toes with Sitchy.

The next morning, Vinny and Pauly heads to the gym, where Roger vents to them about his frustration that JWOWW is talking down to him. Vinny thinks JWOWW needs to grow up. They head home and report Roger's side of the story to JWOWW and urge her to call him. JWOWW admits she still thinks Roger is wrong but swallows her pride to call Roger and apologize to him. He turns the tables and acts just as stank to her as she did to him the other day. He thinks it's his turn since she "said [her] piece and then hung up like a coward." He says the tension between them has been building for weeks because she doesn't trust him. He calls her a hypocrite and threatens that will be "damned" and "ruined" if she doesn't get over herself.

Next week: The painful phone call continues. The Meatballs bake Danny a "We're sorry" cake. Snooki suggests he and Snooki suit up in whipped cream, but it's Deena who gets the sweet, sweet lovin' with an old hook-up (while Snooki watches). Things turn bitter when Roger gets in a fight defending JWOWW's honor.

]]> All You Need Is Love tag:www.televisionwithoutpity.com,2012://2.43277 2012-02-10T14:27:11Z 2012-02-10T14:29:03Z Lauren S The Slice Girls tag:www.televisionwithoutpity.com,2012://2.43224 2012-02-09T20:56:29Z 2012-02-09T20:57:47Z Rattle, Rattle WE DON'T GIVE A SHIT ANYMORE THEN! As you'll no doubt recall, Bobby dropped dead after taking a bullet to the brain courtesy of lead Leviathan Richard Roman, and his unquiet and aggressively hirsute spirit is likely roaming... Demian Rattle, Rattle WE DON'T GIVE A SHIT ANYMORE THEN! As you'll no doubt recall, Bobby dropped dead after taking a bullet to the brain courtesy of lead Leviathan Richard Roman, and his unquiet and aggressively hirsute spirit is likely roaming the earth even as I type this. Meanwhile, Darling Sammy wouldn't shut the hell up about stupid Dead Amy already, and at some point during this seemingly neverending season, Dashing El Deano turned into a whiny little bitch who occasionally flashes a creepy, dead-eyed smile, just so he can freak us all the hell out.

In far more important news: Raoul The Big Gay Supernatural Dragon is missing. Yes, missing. When last I heard from him, he was going bowling, but that was three whole weeks ago, and I've seen neither scale nor claw of him since. And to be honest with you, I'm more than a little worried. Sure, he's taken it upon himself to vanish with no explanation before, but he never stayed away longer than a couple of days, and besides, all of those disappearances ended up being tied to the brief (but passionate) affairs he's been known to dally in from time to time with various of the charming locals here in Brooklyn, New York. That can't be the case this time, because that dizzy lizard is utterly incapable of maintaining a romantic relationship for longer than thirty-six hours, max, so I don't know what to do. I tried putting up flyers, but the neighbors told me they were scaring the children, so I had to take them all down again. Naturally, I can't get the police to listen to me, either, but you know if he were a skinny blonde white woman instead of a tubby little green-scaled prehistoric killing machine, he'd have been all over goddamned Nancy Grace weeks ago. So, you know. I'm a little emotional right now. If any of you happen to see him, would you please tell the shrieky bastard to give me a call, at least?

Anyway, enough about me and my problems. Now, where the hell was I? Oh, yes: Rattle, Rattle STILL NOT GIVING A SHIT NOW! And when the dripping is done, we linger in the black for a moment, listening to the patter of rain against glass until the camera fades up to peer through the nighttime windows of a tastefully-appointed loft somewhere damp. Inside, a thirtysomething yuppie sporting a pair of sideburns that almost rival Darling Sammy's in length and stupidity sits down at his laptop in the apartment's living room to work on something utterly unimportant as far as this episode is concerned. Incidentally, this gentleman has chosen to decorate his apartment with cartoon cut-outs of feet. No, seriously: The wall behind his head features a massive framed print that includes at least seven of the things, for whatever bizarre reason. Just thought you'd like to know.

In any event, with his focus thus trained on his computer's screen, tonight's first bit of Monster Chow of course fails to notice the mysterious, black-clad someone who's now tippy-toeing his or her way through the apartment's front door, and as this certain ominous someone carefully steps through the outer rooms, he or she lets a very large bronze knife drop into his or her hand from the sleeve of his or her coat. DUN! The imperiled yuppie rises momentarily to shut one of the rain-streaked windows, and barely has he returned to his previous perch upon his white sofa when...that certain ominous someone hurls him ass-over-end into his expensively framed foot print! Dun-dun-DUN! Tonight's first bit of Monster Chow proceeds to crash to the floor amid a shower of broken glass, and as the shot pulls in to gaze upon his by now heavily bloodied face, the gentleman's features contort in agony while his uninvited guest begins hacking away at his body with that enormous bronze blade. Fresh gouts of blood spew forth to splatter against that poor, defenseless white sofa for a bit, and as the soon-to-be-dead yuppie howls and wails his anguish, his uninvited guest rips open the gentleman's shirt to carve a garish symbol into the gentleman's chest. The camera leaps to linger on that symbol for a very long few seconds -- it's basically a stick figure waving its arms in the air, by the way -- then slowly spirals upwards towards the ceiling, in the process revealing that the now-dead yuppie has had both his hands and his feet whacked off at the joints. It's exceptionally lurid. And as I take my eyes from the television screen to gaze wistfully at Raoul's empty overstuffed armchair, I miss the abrupt cut to this evening's...

...SNOT ROCKET! I'm not kidding, you guys. Where the hell is he? Sigh.

Anyway, tonight's crapped-out piece of automotive trash is a Buick Riviera, which becomes apparent when the thing comes roaring out of the post-SNOT ROCKET! blackness to zip off down some anonymous stretch of nighttime byway. Unusually enough, Darling Sammy's at the wheel, which probably isn't a good sign. Then again, nothing on this show's been a particularly good sign of anything as of late, so maybe we should just ignore the fact that Sam's driving. Meanwhile, over in the passenger seat, Dreary El Deano snorts himself awake and immediately pulls Dead Bobby's battered old flask out of his jacket pocket for a refreshing little pick-me-up swig of something soothing. Remarks are made regarding the supposed significance of Dead Bobby's flask, and then the two start sniping at each other over the particulars of their latest case. Long story short, Drunky El Deano petulantly insists that "four guys murdered in two weeks" -- "grown men thrown so hard, they went through walls" before having their "hands and feet cut off" -- is Not Their Sort Of Thing, but Drunky El Deano's an idiot, so let's skip the rest of this pointless bickering and jump straight on over to...

...This Week's Morgue, where Our Intrepid Heroes have arrived in their FBI drag to examine what remains of tonight's pre-credits victim. The cute, curly-haired coroner boy in charge flirts with Drunky El Deano over the FBI's superior benefits package for a bit before getting down to business: The never-named bit of Monster Chow was "thrown against a wall so hard, it buckled." Also, the crime scene's forensics confirmed that the gentleman's hands and feet were severed while he was still alive, "just like the others." "The killer wanted him to suffer," Coroner Boy emphasizes, before noting that the peculiar, wavy-armed stick figure was carved into all four victims' chests. Dapper Sam inquires as to the presence and quality of the DNA evidence, and Coroner Boy reveals that the careless killer dropped plenty of samples -- in fact, one especially bitey victim still had a chunk of his murderer's flesh in his teeth. "So, we have a match?" Dapper Sam prompts. "We do not!" Coroner Boy perks, crossing to poke at a few buttons on his computer keyboard. A red message reading "Sample Rejected No Known Genetic Markers" pops up on the monitor, and Coroner Boy explains, "They don't match anything human." Our Intrepid Heroes greet this bit of news with a round of thoughtful Hmmms, then retire to the...

...rain-dampened sidewalk outside to process through recent events. By the way, the stenciled lettering on the building's doors reveals they've just exited the "SEATTLE POLICE CRIME LAB," so we now have a primary location for this evening's festivities. You know, in case you cared. In any event, Sam proposes they head back to This Week's Motel Room to deploy their collective mad Googling skillz in search of that peculiar, wavy-armed stick figure, but Drunky El Deano would much rather suck down copious amounts of healing booze, thank you very much, so he rather rudely bails on his brother to hit up...

..."The Cobalt Room," where the camera arrives to find him already in mid-conversation with some woman from The Vampire Diaries, which I have never watched, so whatever to this bit of stunt casting. There follows a series of extreme and extremely annoying close-ups on their eyes and their lips and their teeth and their hair as they flirt with each other, but nothing will detract from the fact that Vampire Lady's sleeveless, purple, ruffly Urban Cowgirl blouse is fucking awful, so I'm going to do my best to preserve what's left of my tortured sense of sight and skip ahead to the bit where Vampire Lady coos, "Want to move this conversation elsewhere?" because that means we can jump right into a...

...MONTAGE! And we all know how much I love me a good montage, right? Right. This one's set to the dulcet tones of AC/DC's "You Shook Me All Night Long" and features Drunky El Deano getting it on with Vampire Lady back at her place while some unsuspecting schlub gets his extremities hacked off on the other side of town. It is, quite honestly, a pretty fun idea, this blatant juxtaposition of sex and violence -- and there's an especially nice quick cut from Vampire Lady tossing Drunky El Deano up against a wall to this evening's second bit of Monster Chow getting hurled up against one of his own -- but like so many pretty fun ideas on this show as of late, it proceeds to fall apart in the execution. Like I said on the forum boards shortly after this episode aired, the sex isn't violent enough and the violence isn't sexual enough for the whole thing to work as well as it should have, so...yeah. Whatever. In consideration of events to come, though, I should note that Drunky El Deano at no point stops the action to wrap up his business, though given the fact that we were explicitly told tonight's villains lack human DNA, I'm not sure if his apparent carelessness has any bearing whatsoever on Vampire Lady's subsequent pregnancy. Ooops. Spoiler!

The following morning, Our Intrepid Heroes LIE their way into the latest crime scene, where Coroner Boy introduces them to "Charlene Penn," the lead detective in the current murder investigation, who will of course become far more important later in the episode. And after she excuses herself to, um, go stare at some spatter patterns, or something, Darling Sammy excuses himself to chat with one of our latest corpse's especially nosy neighbors. Long story short, while the deceased "was the nicest guy in the world," he had been having more than a bit of trouble with his wife recently, and in fact had gone so far as to cheat on the woman with "a little one-night fling." Dapper Sam promptly relays this intriguing piece of information to Drunky El Deano, the latter of whom is far more concerned with the fact that he accidentally left Dead Bobby's flask at Vampire Lady's apartment. So, Drunky El Deano dials her up, and during the brief, curt, and awkward conversation that follows, it becomes clear Vampire Lady would just as soon have Drunky El Deano drop off a cliff as ever speak to him again. Dean furrows his brow at his erstwhile paramour's hostile tone but, to his credit, he remains admirably polite throughout the call. For his part, Sam's delighted to learn that one of Dean's conquests obviously wants nothing to do with him ever again. Hee.

And once the call ends, the camera focuses in on Vampire Lady's irritated face for a very long moment before pulling back to reveal she's...approximately eighteen months pregnant already? Whaaaaaa? And with that, we enter this evening's first commercial break most woefully CHOMP!-less, indeed.

We return to find Vampire Lady about to give birth to her insta-fetus in the middle of a candlelit chamber, surrounded by several rather severe-looking middle-aged women. There's some crap from the primary attendant about the pain being "an honor," and then Vampire Lady pushes out an infant girl they collectively decide to name "Emma."

Meanwhile, Our Intrepid Heroes have enlisted the aid of a local anthropology professor in tracing the origins of that peculiar, wavy-armed stick figure. The sly professor first secures a promise of "suitable remuneration" from the FBI for his efforts -- said remuneration including, among other things, a Green Card for his maid -- then suggests they return in a day or so, after he's had a chance to consult his extensive library. Further action on their current case thus delayed, Sam and Dean retire to the hall to piss and bitch at each other for a very lengthy period of time about Dead Bobby and grief, or whatever, until Drunky El Deano takes it upon himself to motor on over to Vampire Lady's apartment, where he intends to retrieve Dead Bobby's flask in person.

Lair Of The Vampire Lady. Drunky El Deano knocks at the front door. Vampire Lady answers. Awkwardness ensues. Eventually, Vampire Lady admits she did indeed find Dead Bobby's flask, and while she was tempted to throw the battered old thing out, she held onto it for whatever reason, and would Drunky El Deano like it now? He would, thank you very much, and he trails after her as she retreats into The Lair to rummage through a couple of drawers. Needless to say, Drunky El Deano's quite surprised to note that Vampire Lady's got a year-old tot stashed away in her dining room. "You've been babysitting?" he wonders. "No," Vampire Lady flatly replies. "Yours?" Drunky El Deano guesses before going on to marvel, "You didn't tell me you had a little girl!" "There's probably all kinds of things we didn't tell each other," Vampire Lady acidly remarks. Drunky El Deano's oblivious to her tone, though, because he's by now crossed through the rooms to croon and smile at the child, the latter of whom reels about her suspiciously spare little crib like an inebriated lunatic. The tot is, of course, the newborn Emma from a couple of scenes ago, but barely has the audience had a chance to process this thrilling development when Dean's cell chirps, and it's Sam, calling to demand Dean's presence at the coroner's office for yet another conference regarding their current case. Dean would offer a snappy response to his brother's request, I'm sure, were it not for the fact that Wee Emma chooses this very moment to bleat, "Who's that guy in the other room?" Dean cocks a deeply suspicious eyebrow in the general direction of his erstwhile paramour's tiny prodigy before too-calmly informing Sam that he'll be missing their meeting, after which he hangs up and stares at Wee Emma some more.

Back at This Week's Motel Room, Sam sighs, shrugs himself into his jacket, and darts off to...

...the crime lab, where Coroner Boy fills him in on the particulars of yet another extremity-free victim until Detective Charlene barges in to wonder why the FBI's chosen to involve itself in this specific case. Dapper Sam, clearly unprepared for the question, hems and haws and stammers and stutters and flails his arms around in the air for a good fifteen minutes until Coroner Boy offers him an easy out by stating, "I just figured it was the similarity to the other cold cases." "If it's the same killer," Coroner Boy goes on to suggest, "then he crossed state lines, which would bring you guys in." Dapper Sam readily agrees, but Detective Charlene obviously remains unsatisfied with this explanation, and she curtly orders them both to wrap things up, pronto, as her department has better things to do with its time. With that, Detective Charlene spins on her well-shod heel to stomp on out of there, and when Dapper Sam makes "Bitch crazy!" eyes at Coroner Boy, the latter sighs, "You get used to her."

And with all that out of the way, Dapper Sam inquires after those mysterious cold cases Coroner Boy just mentioned. Coroner Boy hands over the extensive files he's been maintaining, then notes something curious that all of the victims, current and past, had in common: Each had indulged in a one-night stand in the days leading up to his murder. Dun-dun-DUN!

Meanwhile, Drunky El Deano's parked his crapped-out Buick about three houses down from Vampire Lady's front door, and from this extremely conspicuous hiding place, he watches as a carload of middle-aged hags pulls up to The Lair. Two of the women disembark, foremost amongst them the lead hag from that earlier birth scene, and they proceed into Vampire Lady's apartment just as Darling Sammy calls with news of Coroner Boy's cold cases, and here's where I pretty much totally stopped caring about this stupid episode. Why, I hear you ask? Because Coroner Boy's files detail a similar series of murders in Chicago two years ago, with an identical string in Miami two years before that, with the obvious implication being that this sort of thing has been occurring once every two years for a very, very long time, which immediately makes me wonder why no one on this goddamned show has ever mentioned any of this before, and even though I already know the answer to that question is, "Because the writers just pulled this dumb story about Amazons and their bizarre mating habits out of their collective ass this week," it still -- still -- pisses me off to the point that I completely disengage from whatever happens next. And, you know, I wasn't all that engaged with tonight's installment to begin with. God, this show sucks.

ANY-way, where the hell was I? Oh, yeah: So, Sam dumps all of the above information into Dean's lap, then adds that every one of the current set of victims met his final one-night stand in The Cobalt Room. Drunky El Deano's all, "Yes, yes, very nice, gotta go," and hangs up to glare through a pair of binoculars as Vampire Lady and The Hags lead the now ten-year-old Emma from The Lair to the car. "I hate when this happens!" Dean grumps for absolutely no reason at all, and with that, he keys the crapped-out Buick's ignition to follow The Hags' automobile as it motors off towards...

...some anonymous alleyway downtown. Dean parks his crapped-out Buick all of seven feet behind The Hags and audibly seethes as The Hags lead Emma through a side door into their Haghouse.

This Week's Motel Room, where Drunky El Deano cracks open a couple of beers before bringing Dapper Sam up to speed on recent events. And after a full minute of that, Sam's phone rings. It's the professor, calling with news that will have to wait so we might retire instead to...

...The Haghouse to watch as Head Hag and her henchladies feed strips of raw feet to Tween Emma and four of her equally prodigious fellow acolytes, and no, I'm not kidding with that: The girls are actually eating strips of raw flesh culled from this evening's murder victims as part of some dumbass Amazonian ritual, and as those strips are a little too large to have come from anybody's hand, it must mean they're all eating feet. Lovely. Had my faithful recapping companion not vanished into the night without a trace three and a half weeks ago, I'm sure he'd have something valuable to offer regarding the relative culinary merits of the lumbricales versus the quadratus plantae at this juncture, but as it is, we must simply slip into this evening's next CHOMP!-less commercial break in unnerving and deeply, deeply disturbing silence.

This Week's Nameless University. Our Intrepid Heroes lounge on a couple of chairs in a lecture hall as the professor proceeds to reveal what anyone who read this week's episode description already knew: The peculiar, wavy-armed stick figure carved into the victims' chests is actually a symbol representing the Amazons' immortal benefactress, Harmonia. Yeah, I know -- just go with it.

Meanwhile, over at the police station, Detective Charlene's on the phone with Head Hag back at The Haghouse, and long story short, Detective Charlene -- who, you know: Also an Amazon, in case that hasn't been made clear yet -- has identified Our Intrepid Heroes as "those crazy brothers" who went on a cross-country murder spree a couple of months ago. "They're thugs," Detective Charlene hisses. "But," she adds, "We've dealt with hunters like this before." Head Hag takes a moment, and then declares, "The one is already scheduled to be taken care of -- we'll just simply add the other one to the agenda." DUN! Or not, 'cause you know neither of these ladies will be killing Sam and Dean this evening. Yawn.

This Week's Motel Room. Super-Smart Sammy's deployed his mad Googling skillz to dredge up further information on the Amazons, the most relevant bits of which are these: "The lore says they reproduced quickly -- as in, after mating, they gave birth within thirty-six hours." "The babies grew incredibly fast," Sam continues, "then the aging process became normal." Sam's research also confirms that "the mating cycle is every two years," so Our Intrepid Heroes have now officially caught up with the still-conscious members of their rapidly-dwindling audience. Of course, despite all this evidence, Drunky El Deano still refuses to believe that Tween Emma is actually his daughter, and in honor of the lovely and talented Ghostyouknow's request on the forum boards, I will allow that Drunky El Deano is certainly right about that, as the lack of human DNA in the samples left behind by this evening's killers indicates that this show's Amazons reproduce by means of gynogenesis. So, given all that, Dean should have absolutely no problem shooting Tween Emma in the face when the time comes, right? RIGHT?

Yeah, whatever.

Haghouse. Tween Emma is now Teen Emma, and she and her fellow acolytes together endure a ritualistic branding that's meant to confirm their identities as...oh, fuck it. I totally don't give a shit what's happening in this scene. Can I skip ahead already to the bit where Drunky El Deano shoots Teen Emma in the face? I can't? Crap.

This Week's Motel Room. Our Intrepid Heroes chit-chat about something unimportant for a bit until Drunky El Deano looks down at the tangle of Dead Bobby's papers they'd been riffling through and notices that several of them have moved, seemingly of their own accord. Action Sammy quickly scrambles for his backpack and hauls out his trusty little EMF reader, which obligingly goes, "VWEEEE-YORP!" the instant he waves it around in the air. Unfortunately, Sam realizes they're situated right next to a massive tangle of power lines, which is undoubtedly screwing with the reader's results. Oh, and their windows are open, too, so the papers were most likely shuffled around by the gentle breeze now wafting through the room. Dean's not buying it, however, and insists that The Spectral Presence Of Bobby Singer has attached itself to that battered old flask he's been carrying around, which means the ghastly hairball is now offering them a major research assist from The Great Beyond. Sam scoffs that they salted and burned Dead Bobby's corpse two months ago, but Drunky El Deano refuses to let it go, and yet another round of tedious bickering ensues until Sam snatches up the sheet of ancient Greek parchment unveiled either by the breeze or by The Spectral Presence Of The Ghastly Hairball (or, perhaps, by The Spectral Presence Of My Sweet Baboo because, if we're going to start resurrecting dead characters, then Castiel better be at the top of the goddamned list) and announces he's heading back to This Week's Nameless University to have it translated by the good professor. Sam also insists that Dean remain in This Week's Motel Room, alone, because nothing bad ever happens to either of these two dipshits when they split up like this. Dean agrees to this plan because he's as much of a fuckwit as Sam is at this moment, and with that, we head over to...

...This Week's Nameless University. Miraculously enough, even though it's the middle of the goddamned night, Sam finds the good professor still at his desk, and Our Intrepid Hero proceeds to shove the ancient sheet of parchment under the good professor's nose. "The FBI isn't paying me enough for this," the good professor protests. Sam thinks fast and replies, "I'll sweeten the deal -- we'll remove your wiretap." The good professor gapes.

This Week's Motel Room. Drunky El Deano intently surfs the Internets for perverted Japanicrap porn until some visitor comes a-tapping at his chamber door. Dean warily cocks his trusty pearl-handled automatic and peeks through the peephole, then opens the door to find a breathy and moist-eyed Teen Emma standing at his threshold. "You don't know me," she whispers urgently, "but I need your help -- I think I'm in trouble, and you're the only person I can trust!" "Why?" Dean quite rightfully wonders. "Because you're my father!" Teen Emma claims, and no, he's not, AT ALL, because see above re: gynogenesis, but whatever, because we've hit what should be this evening's final CHOMP!-less commercial break, and as I am now a mere nine minutes away from sweet, sweet freedom, I'm going to let it slide.

For all of two seconds, because when we return, Drunky El Deano does not immediately shoot Teen Emma in the face even though she is not his daughter and is, in fact, yet another ancient Purgatorial beastie sent straight from the flaming maw of Hell to slaughter him. Or something like that. In any event, Drunky El Deano instead invites Teen Emma in for a chat, and fuck this bullshit, and...

...look! It's Darling Sammy, learning yet another piece of information the still-conscious members of this awful show's rapidly-dwindling audience already figured out a half an hour ago! The good professor, examining the ancient sheet of Greek parchment under a magnifying glass, notes that according to this particular variation on the Amazonian mythology, "it's not the women who do the killing." "Instead," he reads, "a ritual of initiation requires that the child born of the mating process must kill her own father." WE KNOW.

This Week's Motel Room, and LESS TALKING, MORE SHOOTING. Drunky El Deano doesn't listen to me because Drunky El Deano never listens to me, so let's head back over to...

...This Week's Nameless University, where Darling Sammy powers through the darkened hallways until he runs smack into...Amazon Charlene! DUN! Amazon Charlene grabs Our Imperiled Hero by one of his exceptionally healthy arms, allows the skin around her eyes to flush blood-red for an instant, then flips Darling Sammy down a short flight of stairs, where he ends up nearly smacking his way through a set of swinging doors. And with Darling Sammy now lying apparently unconscious on the floor, Amazon Charlene lets a very large bronze knife drop into her hand from the sleeve of her jacket. Dun-dun-DUN! Unfortunately for Amazon Charlene, though, Darling Sammy's just faking his little swoon, there, and before she takes a single step towards him, he flips around to plug her full of holes with his magically-appearing automatic. Amazon Charlene instantly keels over, dead, with that very large bronze knife of hers clattering loudly against the tiles, but naturally, there's a problem: Darling Sammy's phone has been smashed to bits. D'OH!

KILL HER. STOP TALKING AND KILL HER. Drunky El Deano continues obstinately to ignore me until Teen Emma lets a very large bronze knife drop into her hand from the sleeve of her jacket, at which point he finally -- finally -- cocks his trusty pearl-handled automatic and points it at her head.

Meanwhile, Action Sammy violates a variety of different traffic rules whilst speeding back to This Week's Motel Room.

OH MY GOD STOP TALKING AND KILL HER ALREADY!

Meanwhile, Action Sammy violates a variety of different traffic rules whilst speeding back to This Week's Motel Room.

FUCKING KILL HER ALREADY, YOU MORON!

Meanwhile, Action Sammy violates a variety of different traffic rules whilst speeding back to...oh, wait a minute -- he's already there. Action Sammy hops out of this week's crapped-out piece of automotive trash and bounds up the motel stairs to his room.

WHY IS SHE STILL ALIVE? DIE! WHY WON'T SHE DIE?!

Action Sammy eavesdrops on the ENDLESS TALKING from the far side of the motel room door.

DIE! DIE! DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII...oh, hooray! Action Sammy's kicked down the motel room door and, after Teen Emma allows the skin around her eyes to flush blood-red for an instant, he plugs her full of holes. Drunky El Deano is shocked and appalled. Action Sammy is steely-jawed and sweaty. And Dead Emma is dead. FINALLY. With that, Our Intrepid Heroes hastily decamp to motor on over to...

...The Haghouse, where they presumably hope to kill even more Amazons, but alas! When they arrive, they find The Haghouse utterly deserted -- likely because someone tipped the remaining Amazons off about that great, big Charlene-shaped corpse Stupid Sammy left cooling on the university floor. I would hope this means we're never going to see this awful show's awful version of the Amazons ever again, but I know better by now. And on that decidedly depressing and somber note, we enter this evening's final commercial break once again most dreadfully CHOMP!-less.

Crapped-Out Buick. Denouement. And as the thoroughly unpleasant and unnecessarily shouty conversation that follows once again centers around both that damnable Dead Amy and how pathetic Our Intrepid Heroes have become over the course of the last season or so, I'll pretty much ignore the entire thing. You can thank me later.

Next week's episode is entitled "Plucky Pennywhistle's Magic Menagerie," so if you, like Darling Sammy, suffer from crippling attacks of coulrophobia, you'd best be advised to avoid it entirely. As far as everybody else goes, I'll see you then. Have fun!

Demian now returns to the 72nd Precinct, where he will badger the desk sergeant until he receives satisfaction. Raoul remains missing. You may reach the former at demian_twop@yahoo.com. The latter is an imaginary gay dragon on the Internet.

]]> Hunger Games: The TV Teen Edition tag:www.televisionwithoutpity.com,2012://2.43272 2012-02-09T19:13:25Z 2012-02-09T19:21:46Z Rachel Stein Magus tag:www.televisionwithoutpity.com,2012://2.43257 2012-02-09T18:07:14Z 2012-02-09T18:10:21Z IN 1988 The Undiscovered Country With Dr. Emmet Cole premiered, to great success, and it went like this, for twenty-some years: Cole: "There's magic out there."Cole: "I am all about dragonflies, even back in 1988. Something about my wife's eyes... Jacob Clifton IN 1988

The Undiscovered Country With Dr. Emmet Cole premiered, to great success, and it went like this, for twenty-some years:

Cole: "There's magic out there."
Cole: "I am all about dragonflies, even back in 1988. Something about my wife's eyes looking like an insect out there!"
Cole: "There's magic out there!"
Cole: "There's a finless porpoise out there!"
Cole: "There's magic out there."
Cole: "There's magic out there."
Cole: "Sometimes my kid is really important to me out there, but other times I am kind of a selfish Baby Boomer out there."
Cole: "Did I mention there's magic out there?"

SIX MONTHS AGO

Well, he died. He fired his Captain, Emilio Valenzuela, and left his cheatin' (and absurdly unlucky) wife Tess at home, didn't bother saying goodbye to his grumpy med-student son Lincoln, did an end-run around his usual producer Clark, and set out for the Amazon to find something mysterious, which presumably he did find. The only person he really talked to back home was his cameraman's daughter Lena, who'd grown up alongside his son, about things like computers and infections and whatever, because she knows everything and cannot wait to tell you everything about everything.

Anyway, he disappeared. They searched for like six weeks, and then held a funeral.

Lincoln: "I am so very hungry. These bags under my eyes are not because I'm sad about my dad dying, but because as a vegan I can hardly summon the strength to stand here and say incredibly unpleasant grim things such as this speech I have prepared."

As a kid I used to watch my father on TV, and the voice would come up: "Next week, Emmet Cole may not survive what he finds in the cave!" I'd be terrified he wouldn't come home. He always did. Well, today... We give up hope. Also dairy.

NOW

Clark and Tess show up at Linc's drinking hole to badger him into signing on to play Jonny Quest just one more time. Lincoln has a fairly believable relationship with his mother, I think. She is such a drama magnet that I would probably estrange myself too.

Tess: "Emmet's beacon has gone off! In the jungle!"
Lincoln: "Leave me to my tequila! And my residency in Chicago!"
Tess: "But I care deeply for the zombie that is what's left of your father! Plus I cheated on him with a scumbag!"
Clark: "Lincoln, how are you."
Lincoln: "I will tell you how I am, dicks. Using another parable with roughly the same language as moments ago, only this time instead of the announcer threatening my father's death, it is the sadness of birthdays."
Tess: "He was kind of a selfish martyr sometimes, but..."
Lincoln, verbatim: "You'd bake a cake and you'd tell me not to be sad because Dad was here in spirit. So you know what, to me this just feels like another birthday."

*My emph., because miles away a dragonfly has just landed on a birthday cake, which now starts talking and walking around the house in the middle of the night and doing all kinds of paranormal activities. Zombie cake!

Clark: "Here's the thing. Your mom seems to think that she can find your dad, and needs the cash and crew to go do it, I said we could get the band back together and do it as a show."
Tess: "But it's conditional on you coming along, because you are clearly a motherfucking train wreck."
Linc: "It is because I do not eat, or have some wasting disease from the '40s."
Tess: "In the Amazon, there is no food and everything makes you shit your ring. Basically, they want to film us going full-on Captain Kurtz and eventually finding your father's corpse. For laughs."
Linc: "Fine. You had me at no food."

Clark, verbatim: "So Lincoln, tell us about your relationship with your father!"
Lincoln, verbatim: "Go fuck yourself!"
Tess: "He'll come around. Just kidding, he's 100% grumpus."

DAY ONE

Some Guy: "My personality is, I'm Jewish. I am going to die in a minute, so fuck it."

Emilio: "Who I am is, I am the ex-capitano of Doc's ship the Magus, and what I am doing here is, helping drive the boat to go find him."
Jahel: "Papa! Don't forget me!"
Emilio: "Oh, right. I have really unnerving Catholic obsession with my daughter's sexuality."
Jahel: "Es verdad. Even though I am psychic and talk to ghosts and have a bunch of other problems, mostly my dad's obsessed with my vagina."
Emilio: "Also, she only speaks Spanish and no English, or maybe she is lying. We are kind of stock characters."

Jew Guy: "I'm just trying to make the most of my last few seconds on earth, so let's do some cute language barrier stuff."
Jahel: "At least you got your SAG card, right? Stop moaning."

Tess: "I am going to make reference to High Tide without explaining why that's important or interesting. Mostly, though, it's a pretext for the cameramen to suddenly catch our security expert, Kurt von Sketchydeutsch, throwing Emilio off the boat."

Kurt: "I caught him touching my guns. Mostly I talk about guns and fucking. Actually, mostly it's just guns. I have secrets! You wouldn't believe the secrets I got."

THE BEACON

Seven minutes into the episode, they find the beacon. It is clipped to a diving cage belonging to the Magus, which has been horribly bent -- but for something to get in? OR SOMETHING TO GET OUT?

The latter. The answer is the latter.

Tess: "Okay but why would they clip this thing to this thing and then throw it in the water?"
Emmet: "I would seem to be fairly ambivalent about whether or not I want people to come look for me."
Lincoln: "Okay, so we done? Because there's the beacon, and there's no Dad."
Tess: "For no reason at all, I am convinced today's the day we find my husband, Dr. Emmet Cole. That will become a bit of a refrain, you see, because like all women on this show I'm just a leeeeetle bit of a cypher."

SOME TOWN

Everybody acts super cute and fun and they don't really know what they're up to besides getting footage, but then a helicopter lands and a horrible shrieking demon comes running at them. Everybody scatters!

Lena: "My dad was on the camera crew that accompanied Cole on his last mission, so he's probably dead or a zombie too. I have secret relationships with everybody, and a talking backpack where I carry all the exposition about every fucking thing. I am pretty insufferable on the page, but my actress does a good job making you not want to punch me in the face. And what I am about is, I have this idea that I can find the Magus, based on some boring thing with a map for a hundred years."

ibid., verbatim: "A boat doesn't just disappear!"
Everybody: "Ugh, already with this girl."
Jahel: "Even though I only speak Spanish it's okay, because all I ever say is that we shouldn't be doing whatever we're clearly about to do. So don't do it!"

THEY IMMEDIATELY DO

Lena: "We used to be friends or something. I wasn't on the show, but I was always around. It was kind of like being the butler's daughter."
Lincoln: "Sorry I lost touch, but my parents' selfishness fucked me up."
Lena: "That's cool. I could be totally insane for all we know."
Lincoln: "Cool, why don't you talk about it for a million years?"

Clark: "Med school, huh? That must be way more boring than being a prop in your dad's famewhoring."
Lincoln, verbatim: "Science isn't a great big wonder anymore, Clark. Discoveries are made in a lab, not the jungle!"

Stupid CGI Dragonflies: "Spielberg alert! Never lose your sense of wonder!"
Everybody: "This is such a special moment where we all stare into space at nothing!"
Lincoln: "Nature, I guess you got me this time. With those neat CGI dragonflies. I guess science really is a great big wonder and discoveries aren't made in a lab."

The Amazon: "Yeah, well. In addition to being a physical location for the Quest, I also represent primal nature, the unconscious, and the spiritual and instinctual demands of the human soul. So. Expect more of that, is all I'm saying."
ABC's The River: "Making me a slightly less-racist version of The Voyage Of The Dawn Treader, basically."
Jahel: "Also the whole reason I can't speak English."

THE MAGUS!

Everybody: "We found the boat! Man, is it jacked up. Let's roam around with our video cameras noting how jacked up it is. Way more interesting to watch than read about in a recap."

Something: "Boom! Ack!"
Clark: "It's coming from the safe we modified into a panic room in case of piracy!"
Tess: "I'm convinced today's the day we find my husband, Dr. Emmet Cole!"

The panic room is soldered shut from the outside, so they decide to have Kurt saw it open, because what pirates would do is maybe solder you in there to take your stuff. That makes sense. But if for some reason that is not Dr. Cole in there (Spoiler: It is not!), it might have been smart to leave a note by the door saying, "Do not saw this shit open because there is some bad news going on inside." And I mean, I guess the huge scratches on the walls and the liberal coating of blood all over the place could serve that purpose, but what you have to remember about a scary movie is that the people don't know they're in a scary movie.

Meanwhile, Clark gets the Magus cameras going, so that we can have more angles and shots for the next seven episodes to follow, and that part was kinda neat: The generator starts up, the cameras come up one by one, and he's right there in the editing bay watching all of this happen as we get like twenty or fifty angles on every part of the boat. It's like this thing was made specifically for a documentary or found-footage television program or something -- which, both inside and outside the story, of course, it was.

Valenzuelas: "For all our hysterical suspicion and superstition about -- apparently -- everything, not to mention the fact that we're right about pretty much all of it, we sure are happy to help these white people with whatever they need."

I will say that one of the things I like best about this pilot is the way you see both Linc and Tess using the cameras to get shit done in a way none of the other characters could even comprehend, because their last thirty years were lived under surveillance. It's very specifically delineated (in the pilot, at least) that they're doing this on purpose; so much so that it's the last line of the script. And I really like that, because it muddies their intentions more than anything, because if everything is a performance... Like:

Random Tess Moment: "Well, people always tell me that the reason they loved Emmet's show was not because of the travel or the adventure but because they wanted to be part of our own perfect little family. I mean yeah, we had our problems. Everybody does, sure. Our secrets. But who doesn't?"

Who talks like that? People who know they're on TV, that's who. (People who are covering their asses, on TV, particularly.) It's interesting, and intentional, and maybe later episodes will work with it, but based on the second hour I think that's a subtlety that didn't make it into the show Bible, so the subtext just becomes text. But in this particular hour, it's really compelling.

CORPO SECO

Inside the panic room, we find: PANIC!

Also: A large nut or clam covered in a blanket, a big personal altar with a black saint draped in gifts, etc., foodstuffs with the labels blurred out (nice), a ton of blood, and a fetid odor. What we do not find is, Dr. Emmet Cole. Or the thing making the noises.

Lincoln: "I better touch this bloody nut or clam."
El Féretro Del Niño: "I am actually a Brazilian Krahò invention for use as a child's coffin."
El Corpo Seco: "ARGH! Now I am free because you touched it! Screech! Bonk! Arnk!"
Lena: "That Smoke Monster just ripped the hell out of my leg! I am going to need stitches, and maybe a quick swim in the Amazon."

Random Emilio Moment: "My daughter Jahel, before she developed her dirty pillows and the stain of men's desire, she used to talk to ghosts. She had this one ghost friend, Amigo Fantasma!, who was a bit of a loud-talker. Long story short, I told that dude to quiet down, and he did. Isn't that an interesting story? My daughter talks to ghosts. Also, I come off like a total pedophile even in the little stories I tell."
ibid., verbatim: "No me gusta este amigo fantasma."

Lincoln: "Lena, let me use my medical information on you. AJ, obey my orders!"
AJ: "I am a British black guy that hasn't come up much yet in this episode. I'm the lead cameraman and, as a documentarian, I'm not one to drop my camera and help when there are literally a dozen other people not filming this that could just as easily get the medkit."
Lincoln: "I will be so mad about that later! For no reason!"
AJ: "I think we should stick together, because we're the only halfway likeable people on this show. Also, I think you should try some of that medical knowledge out on yourself, because you seem to have a terrible disease of some kind."
Lincoln: "This is just my face!"

LATER

Lena: "How's my leg?"
Linc: "Know how you used to think scars were sexy?"
Lena: "Oh, right. I'm one of those imaginary stereotype women that is like that all the time. The most romantic date I can think of is climbing a cliff or a mountain! I just love adventure and high-stakes excitement! Also explaining every fucking thing."
Linc: "Anyway. Let's talk about when we were little kids. I have a really boring story that sounds made up about what it might be like to grow up on a TV show set."
Lena: "Gosh, we had so much fun. Hey, apropos of nothing, did I ever tell you that my dad said you were Trouble?"
Linc: "Maybe it's true, maybe it's not, but I sure did just pop a boner when you said that."

CAMERA ROOM

Trouble: "AJ! Here is that punch in the nose I promised you! Since despite growing up literally as the subject of a documentary, I still don't understand the basics of documentary filmmaking!"
AJ: "God, that guy's a pussy."

PANIC ROOM

Jew Guy: "Hey, let's be cutesy some more."
Jahel: "Did you notice this baby Krahò coffin is full of blood?"
Jew Guy: "Nope, but I did find this picture on the altar."

Clark: "Okay, that's a picture of this guy Cam Travers who was the producer on the doomed mission. I did not care for him, although his wife was nice. I like wives."
Tess, with a pointed glance: "Shut it. Also, do you think he's dead?"
Lena: "Ahem. What none of you knew until just now is that I was in contact with Dr. Cole throughout this journey."
Everybody: "What?"
Lena: "Yeah, I didn't think it was worth mentioning that. Anyway, Cam Travers caught a fever and they buried him. So."
Tess: "Wait, back up."
Lena: "Yes. Backing up files, providing medical advice, you know. Whatever. Me and my trusty talking backpack put a wealth of information at his disposal while he was avoiding his slutty wife and learning magical powers and becoming a zombie or something."

Smokey: "Argh! Clank!"
Everybody: "I suppose that's somewhat notable."
Lincoln: "Emilio, did you ever run into invisible dinosaur Smoke Monsters in baby Krahò coffins that would take a notch out of a girl's leg before?"
Emilio: "I maybe would have mentioned that. Instead of talking about that further, let me say that -- before he fired me -- your dad used to hang out in the jungle by himself sometimes. I kind of thought he was losing it, but he just told me not to worry about it."
Kurt: "Because he had a gun! I knew it. I love those things."
Emilio: "No, because of magic. Emilio out."

GALLEY

Jahel: "Did you guys notice this baby coffin was covered in blood? That's because of a mythical ghost demon called The Dry Spirit, El Corpo Seco, which was a soul so bitter that the ground would not take him."
Lincoln: "Yeah, but in the next episode we learn that Amazonians don't bury their..."
Jahel: "-- Anyway. The devil sent him back from hell so now he wanders around looking for blood to make him whole. More blood is more strength."
Lincoln: "Wait, are you talking about a ghost? Or is this like some regular guy?"
Jahel: "Sigh. Anyway, these baby coffin deals were Krahò soul-traps for him. Your dad bled all over the thing to lure it in, and then trapped it, and then put it under a blanket, and then put that whole deal in the panic room, and then soldered it closed."
Lincoln: "I guess we shouldn't have undone all that hard work."
Jahel: "I tried to tell you that, if you recall. Anyway, now we fed it some Lena blood so it's strong enough."
Lincoln: "Strong enough to what? Also, we gotta get the fuck out of here."

*(My emph., again, because that same Q&A sequence will come up again later and it may or may not be a coincidence. I'm thinking yes, but you never know.)

GTFO

Lincoln: "Okay, somebody is out there. Maybe an animal, maybe a guy on drugs, maybe everybody is on drugs as we speak. Maybe it's even the ghost monster we saw a second ago that is right now rattling the treetops, we have no way of knowing. But we gotta go."
Lena: "Well, while nobody was watching me and the cameras weren't detecting anything weird, I came out to check the lifeboats and they are just fucked. We are stuck here."
Linc: "Clark, did you do this? To make for good TV?"
Clark: "Possibly. But I am nonetheless scandalized!"

Lincoln: "Oh wait, we totally have a watergoing vessel that we're standing on."
Emilio: "I gotta get one of our engines working, I have to reattach the rudder line, I have to reseal the hull. Two days?"
Lincoln: "All right, you got two and a half hours."
Clark: "Why? Why do we have to leave by 4:43?"
Tess: "High tide."
Clark: "Yeah, but what does that mean?"
Tess: "Just because? I have no idea."

OUT IN THE AMAZON

Lena: "Yeah, this is the stuff. What my recent gaping wound needed was some nice warm Amazon water all up in it."
Lincoln: "You just tread water, getting more and more infected, while I clear the rudder and wax philosophical. My goodness, nature is disgusting."
Lena: "And yet even though you have just said that, I still will suffer no ill effects. In fact, one scene from now I'll be running around like nothing ever happened to my leg. And have you noticed that we're in a place on the Amazon where there are no insects, diseases, animals or people?"
Lincoln: "Just maybe I can see the show explaining that by the fact that we're in the Boiúna, which is maybe made up but is definitely magic."
Lena: "Oh, that reminds me. I have all kinds of secrets with your dad that I've been crawling around investigating since we got here. I need to show you something."

DR. COLE'S QUARTERS

Lena: "Somewhat dubiously, Emmet told me where this secret compartment is full of his archive tapes of this doomed mission. He told me that if we came looking for him, which he said not to do, we should definitely not look at these 104 tapes, which we are clearly going to do."
Lincoln: "Are they numbered or in any particular order?"
Lena: "Not really, even though that would make a good deal more sense."
Lincoln: "Perhaps this journal he wrote detailing his mission will help."
Lena: "Not if we never refer to it again."

THE TAPES

Are awesome. The possibility of scope here is really amazing: Emmet walking on water, hands out at his sides. Emmet weeping on the river in a psychedelic ecstasy. Doing a native ritual, with fire caught in his hands. Shirt off, still dancing on the water, reaching down. The fire in his hands, building higher and higher. A scary jumble, suddenly, and him staring into the camera in iconic Blair Witch style. A disembodied arm drops to the floor in front of a camera. Emmet keels over by the ritual fire. He trains the dragonflies to follow his fingers; he laughs. Things get scary.

"The engine's dead. It's killed half the crew. There are four of us left. Corpo Seco. It's Cam Travers. I know it's impossible. We buried him... It's this place. It's trying to kill us."

I mean, there's no reason for the tapes themselves to work like that, so I guess it's post-production on the nameless show The River is about (the one where the family is looking for the dad) that presents it in this jumble, rather than a single tape throwing this shit at them all at once. But the way it's edited -- and the way our crew is staring and reacting, makes that hard to parse.

Clark: "So just to reiterate, he thought the ghost was Cam Travers? And it killed everybody? And it's coming after us."
Lincoln: "Yeah. So my plan is, we're going to bleed more on the Krahò soul-trap and that will make the Corpo Seco or whatever come back and murder each and every one of us."
Everybody: "That sounds reasonable. Soundbite time!"
Clark: "He was looking for real magic. Well, it looks like he bloody found it."

Clark: "Okay, well, while you guys are doing that ancient Krahò blood ritual out on the deck, I'm just going to watch more of these trippy movies in no particular order."

"We're so close to the Source. And we have to keep going. We have to..." "And the further we go off the Boiúna, the more... The more physics breaks down. Reality gets so much... Bigger! I have to see it!"

AJ: "Well, just got a second season."
Lena: "So crass! How you're doing the job you came here to do."

DANCE FOR THE CAMERAS, MONKEY FAMILY

Lincoln: "Hey Mom, let's have a contrived conversation in front of a bunch of cameras."
Tess: "I just feel like today's the day we're going to find my husband, Dr. Emmet Cole."
Lincoln: "You know, I always thought that he probably went on this trip because you cheated on him and he couldn't handle it."
Tess: "I don't think this is a very appropriate conversation. It's on the nose, not to mention really insulting."
Lincoln: "It's about to get worse. Check this shit right out."

"Maybe that's why he went nuts, looking for something to believe in, because he sure as hell couldn't believe in you... I know why you're out here in the middle of a jungle, willing to get yourself killed. No one goes that far for love. But guilt? Sure, that'd get you to the Amazon! And you know what, Mom? You should feel guilty! Because you were the magic in his life!"

The engine starts, the Valenzuelas dance a happy dance, and Linc runs off in another snit.

Tess: "God, that guy's a pussy."

GTFO, TAKE II

Clark: "You know, though. If that ghost-monster really is Cam Travers in the form of an invisible dinosaur, maybe he can tell us where your husband Dr. Emmet Cole is."
Tess: "I've just got a feeling about that."
Clark: "I know."

DEATH COMES TO THE MAGUS

Jew Guy: "Well, it's been nice being on this show."
Smokey: It's kind of awesome, actually, because he's strapped to his camera, so when it whips him around in the air, what you get is a cartwheeling shot with just his legs splayed out and spinning before you. Smart, neat shot.

AJ: "I will continue to sass the monster! For the sake of art!"
Smokey: Somehow does not kill AJ. I guess since he's British he gets a mulligan on the whole Black Guy First rule.

Jahel: "Also, the engine has been bitten or something by the invisible dinosaur, and no longer functions."
Everything: Swiftly going to hell.
Lincoln: "Well, I guess it's time to do a Krahò blood ritual."

WHITE PEOPLE DOING KRAHÒ BLOOD RITUAL W/OUT INSTR.

Tess: "Lincoln, what are you doing?"
Lincoln: "Hold on, I just gotta bleed into this thing a bunch."
Tess: "But what if it can tell us where your dad is? I'm convinced today's the day I'm going to find my husband, Dr. Emmet Cole."
Lincoln: "I'm convinced today's the day you get my ass killed. Back up."

Tess: "Hellloooo? Mr. Smoke Monster, sir? Here I am holding a picture of a Mr. Cam Travers, who was possibly you in another life. From what I've gathered, you were a bit of a dick even though you had a nice wife, so I guess maybe my husband shouldn't have buried you along the Amazon, like in that ghost story. Aaaaaanyway, do you think you could tell me if my husband is alive?"
Smokey: "I AM JUST A SCARY CLOUD OF CGI! YOU ARE REALLY ASKING A LOT!"

Lincoln: "Can I direct your attention to my blood all over the place?"
Smokey: "IT LOOKS PRETTY TASTY! AND NOT LIKE A TRAP!"
Tess: "But before you go, could you just... How about one ARRRGH-CLANK for yes, and two ARRRGH-CLANKS for no?"

Tess gets her stupid ass thrown all over the damn place, Smokey hops in the Krahò baby coffin, and Lincoln tosses that shit overboard.

Linc: "Whew, that was pretty bad-ass, but now look at this cut on my hand. I sure hope it doesn't get infected!"
Lena: "What you should do is go for a nice swim. In the Amazon."

AFTERMATH

Clark: "Man, that sucks how everybody got hurt and that one guy died. You really shouldn't have let him go out on the deck to film himself getting murdered."
AJ: "It was for art."
Clark: "Plus we have all these tapes of Emmet acting insane, so that's good."

AJ leaves and Clark notices Kurt (who has been running around the whole time not really helping but shooting his guns a shit-ton) go into his quarters, cover up all the cameras, and do sneaky shit like talk to somebody on a sat phone. But luckily, Clark knows this boat like the back of Tess's head, so he knows that there's one secret mic and camera in an A/C duct or something.

Kurt: "Emmet Cole saw more than we thought. He may be alive. If he is, and if he found the Source, I'll put him down."
Clark: "That's an interesting thing to say. I better not tell anybody about that. About the guy with a million guns who is aiming to kill the person we're here looking for."

Prediction: Kurt is good, or at least military, and the Source is... Not at all bad, but not a good idea either, because it's too intense and powerful for regular flawed people. Like radiation, or the One Ring, or the perfection of Chris Pratt. All in all making Emmet Cole the Oppenheimer or some kind of hubris tale person.

*(Related: If this really does end up being about zombies, I'm going to be so fucking pissed off. Zombies are the dumbest goddamn thing of all time.)

ANYHOW MORE FAMILY TIME

Tess: "AJ, could you stop filming us so I can have another long conversation with my son in front of a bunch of cameras that are filming us?"
Linc: "Mother, I have two disconcerting things to relate. First -- and only for the purposes of this conversation, which is sometimes what happens with a pilot so don't worry about it -- the tapes are dated so we know exactly where he's headed."
Tess: "But that's not..."
Linc: "-- Don't worry about it, this is the only time that's true. The second thing is, for no real reason I have come to agree with you about everything, and I now truly believe in the mission to save my dad. Also I believe in magic. Also, I think he's alive."
Tess: "That's quite a turnaround."
Linc: "Listen, this episode is almost over."
Tess: "Well, I remain convinced today's the day we find my husband, Dr. Emmet Cole."

Then the neat part happens again:

Lincoln, verbatim: "Dad was onto something. And you know what? There is magic out there. So let's go see it."
Tess, pointing: "You know there's a camera? Right there?"
Lincoln: Blue Steel.

Isn't that awesome? As somebody who talks in soundbites and generally pretends to be on camera at all times so I don't misbehave, I think that's my favorite bit. You know there's a camera? Yeah, why do you think I just said that ridiculous thing?

NEXT

A tree full of dolls, a prophecy by ancient grasshoppers, a curious dragonfly, some lesbian action, a monkey with a baby head on its regular head, and about a thousand Poltergeist references as we learn a whole other possible outcome from burying white people along the Amazon.

JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Gossip Girl, The Good Wife, Pretty Little Liars and True Blood for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, most recently A Friday Night Lights Companion and Fringe Science.

]]> What Are You Doing Here, Ho-Bag? tag:www.televisionwithoutpity.com,2012://2.43255 2012-02-09T17:45:00Z 2012-02-09T18:10:54Z Okay, I know I was a little down-in-the-dumpy about this episode in my recaplet. I enjoyed watching while writing this up much more than I expected to, so I'll try to be more of an upbeat Buffy. Maybe I can... Cindy McLennan Okay, I know I was a little down-in-the-dumpy about this episode in my recaplet. I enjoyed watching while writing this up much more than I expected to, so I'll try to be more of an upbeat Buffy. Maybe I can fake it 'til I make it back to a place where this show is fun. Cross your fingers for me. I'd do it myself, but then I couldn't type.

Park Ave. Lobby.

Bridget [on the phone]: Are you there, God Malcolm's Voicemail, it's me, Margaret Bridget. I'm not at all afraid that Agent Guyliner will ever get ahold of your cell phone, or that anyone in this lobby will overhear me, so I'm not bothering to maintain my "Shiv" persona. Anyhow, the Boston-based Hotel Pivoine is closed, but there is one in Paris. And also, Malcolm's Voicemail, why does Malcolm never answer his phone? *beeeeeeep*

Meanwhile, over at Gramercy Park West, Henry "Tool Belt" is having his mind blown by Real Siobhan..

Tool Belt: Who are you? Who? Who? Who? Who?

Siobhan: Sugar-Lips, it's me. I broke us up to keep us together, m'kay. But I never stopped loving you for a second. Both Gemma and Andrew were onto us.

Tool Belt: You're wearing the scarf I gave you at the Relic Toss.

Siobhan: Relic Toss? Was that an episode of Buffy?

Tool Belt: No, remember how you used to make anagrams of the places we'd meet for our red hot affair? Relic Toss = Cloisters. Now let's make out.

Siobhan: Okay, but only for a second. Now I have to run.

Tool Belt: "I'm so confused. You miscarried the baby so I backed off and now you're backing back on, but what I don't get is if you're also fronting."

Siobhan: Notice the pretty way my eyes are tearing up. That's for your benefit, Sweet Cheeks. Meet me at 7:00 tomorrow at our place in the Village, and all will be revealed. You figure out if I mean 7:00 A.M. or 7:00 P.M. I've left the Jumble behind and moved on to logic puzzles.

Meanwhile, back at Park Ave. Bridget arrives home to find "Tainted Love" cranking, skank boots lying in the foyer, a broken wine glass, a stray dog -- wait, that's a fur coat, and an empty bottle of wine.

Bridget: JULIET!

Penthouse Elevator: DING!

Juliet: [stepping out of the elevator] Hi Bridget-who-I-think-is-Shiv!

Bridget: If you're not the drunken floozy blasting this music, who is?

Juliet: It's my mom, LOL. Lemme you show you.

In the bathroom, Catherine (Andrea Roth) is soaking in the claw foot tub.

Catherine: What is your problem, Shiv? This was totally my tub, first. Oh Juliet, my Angel.

Juliet: We're so close, and we'll always be close.

Audience: Yeah, not so much.

Network: Commercial...

Next morning at the penthouse...

Bridget: Juliet, want homemade blueberry pancakes?

Juliet: You? Cook?

Bridget: Look at this apron. I do not fool around.

Andrew: Thank you for letting Catherine staying even though you said she was like head lice. I always thought of her more like crabs. Clearly, Juliet needs her around. What's with the apron, though?

Bridget: That's what the kid needs -- a case of the crabs. As for the apron, I'm going all Martha Stewart.

Buffy: First of all, Martha Stewart knows jack about hand-cut prosciutto.

Xander: I don't believe she slays, either.

Oz: Oh, I hear she can, but she just doesn't like to.

Xander: Anya has a theory. She thinks that Martha Stewart froze that guy.

Recapper: What guy?

Anya: Don't be ridiculous. Martha Stewart isn't a demon. She's a witch.

Xander: Please, she...Really?

Anya: Of course. Nobody could do that much decoupage without calling on the powers of darkness.

Recapper: Okay, will all the Buffy-people who were never actually Buffy, please exit this weecap, immediately? Thank you. Goodbye.

Andrew: Well, that was...awkward. I'm off to see the attorney about Mr. "Logan" Carpenter raping my daughter, now. I will do everything in my power to make sure they lock him up and throw away the key.

Catherine: Hold the elevator. I am taking Juliet out for breakfast, and shopping at the three B's. Oh, and Andrew... your credit card, please.

Bridget: But I made pancakes, or at least put on an apron. No fairsies!

On the mean streets of New York, Real-Siobhan calls Tyler Boytoy, who is still in Paris.

Tyler: Come back. I miss you and my baby who is in no way my baby. I'll book your airfare.

Siobhan: I'm pregnant, not incapable. I've gotten the information off Andrew's home computer. Solomon will get me out of town, unnoticed.

Siobhan walks into a pawn shop...

Siobhan: I have a $200,000.00+ ring. What will you give me for it?

Pawn Broker: Sorry, I don't traffic in stolen goods.

Siobhan: LOL. Does that line ever work?

Pawn Broker: LMAO, you'd be surprised. I'll give you 15K.

Siobhan: Cash?

Shiv makes a phone call...

Mystery Man: Hey.

Siobhan: I have the cash, let's do this.

At Park Ave., Bridget calls the Paris Pivoine.

Hotel Desk Clerk: Bonjour!

Bridget: I don't speak French, but help me. I need a copy of the charges from my stay for tax purposes. My name? These days, it's Siobhan Martin.

Hotel Desk Clerk: Ugly American. Fortunately for you, I speak English, too. I am sorry to say zere eees no record of your stay.

Bridget: Look under Andrew Martin.

Hotel Desk Clerk: Non.

Bridget: How about Buffy Anne Summers? Kendall Hart Lang? Helen Shivers? Sydney Orion Rutledge?

Hotel Desk Clerk: Non.

Bridget: [flashes back to her visit with Shiv's therapist...] Um...please transfer me to the concierge.

Concierge: Alloooooo?

Bridget: My name is Cora Farrell. I left my make-up bag at your place. Can I have it, please? It makes so much more sense for you to ship a bag of makeup overseas than it does for me to just buy new makeup, right?

Concierge: Certainement! I weel just looook. Non. No makeup bag 'ere, Perhaps your boy-toy has eet?

Bridget: Frigging Tool Belt! Um... I mean, can you just remind me of the dates of my stay? Perhaps that will help me find my makeup. You buy that, right?

Concierge: Cray cray Américain! Please to geeeve me your credeet card nombre.

Bridget: Gotta go!

At Federal High Security Prison, Richmond Springs, Colorado, which is no less of a Why-oh-why place than Wyoming, Agent Victor "Guyliner" Machado and a new handsome young agent go to visit Officer Jimmy -- duh Matador.

Guyliner: Agent Handsome and I mock Jimmy for a few minutes, because we know what a great time cops have in prison. Oh, the friends they make!

Officer Jimmy: He wants me to tell him about Bridget and tries to sweeten the deal by promising me a transfer to an easier prison, but this guy can't find his arse with a flashlight, a map and a three-way mirror, so I don't think so.

Agent Handsome: I'd be practicing my Kegels if I were you, handsome. Hey, wait, I'm the handsome one!

Recapper: *Pet pet* yes you are. And that was a great line, so don't sweat it.

Agent Handsome: Hey, you're kinda cute. Are you single?

Recapper: If recaps appear in the forest that is the internet, and yet the recapper's supposed spouse doesn't always read them, must she tell the truth?

Gentle Readers: Yes, she must. We mean, yes, you must. Agent Handsome is too young for you, and besides, your mother reads these recaps, and you know she loves your husband, best. We'll give you a pass with Ioan Gruffudd, because he's so Ioan-y and Gruffudd-y, but that's it.

Recapper: What about Agent Guyliner? I mean, he's Richard Alpert.

Gentle Readers: Okay. But that's really it. You're already drooling over the whole cast of The Vampire Diaries.

Recapper: Have you seen my latest reason for doing so?

Gentle Readers: We'll be in our bunks!

Recapper: Hey, wait. I'm not done here.

At the New York office of Martin/Charles Financial, Claudine answers the phone, when Bridget-as-Shiv calls...

Bridget: Can you give me the dates of my last trip to Paris?

Claudine: I have no record of you having gone to Paris with or without Andrew. But if you want to accompany him on the trip he's taking in a few weeks, I'll totally hook you up. He's meeting with Tyler Boytoy, our new head of European Scams.

Bridget: [flashes back to meeting Tyler at dinner a few weeks ago, and him hissing that she said her name was Cora] Um...you know what, can you put me through to Mr. Boytoy?

In Paris, Tyler takes Bridget-as-Shiv's phone call...

Tyler: Er... aren't you the one who said we should never talk over the office line?

Bridget: (under her breath) Eff my sister's life. Um, so you still mad at me?

Tyler: Mad? I never! Did you get in touch with your guy, Solomon? What's going on there, anyhow?

Bridget: Gotta go! Andrew's home, and he's the only part of my sister's life worth assuming. Forget I said that, kthx? Bye.

Andrew enters the penthouse...

Andrew: Did you sell that anniversary boulder of a ring to a pawn shop? You said you were getting it resized.

Bridget: Um, it was totally stolen. I was too embarrassed to admit I lost it, so I lied. But I totes love you. Kiss me. Kiss me. Kiss me. I did call a plumber to snake the drain.

Andrew: Well see, when you can afford a ring like that, you can also afford insurance, duh.

Bridget: Oh, right. Sorry. Can we make with the kissing now?

At a New York Diner, Shiv gets a call from Tyler Boytoy.

Tyler: Why did you call my office phone?

Siobhan: Didn't.

Tyler: Did too!

Siobhan: (under her breath) Eff my sister assuming my life. Whose crazy idea was this, anyhow? Oh, right. It was mine. Darn the luck.

In an alleyway that is not at all creepy, a creepy guy tells Siobhan to walk further down into the alley. She's not afraid, because he's as short as she is. Plus, she's Buffy or, at least, she's Mean-Buffy, who is probably more physically formidable.

Creepy Guy: Here's your passport and your French Visa.

Siobhan: Crap, these have the Cora Farrell name on them, and Bridget must know that name by now.

Creepy Guy: Who?

Siobhan: Never mind that. I need new ones, reading Rebecca Sheldrake.

Recapper: I am so not making anagrams of that. Not for a weecap. Charades Beck leers. Salad Breech Creek. Debacle Rack Heres. Bleacher Cake Reds. Blacker Rad Cheese. Arcade Belch Reeks. Readable Checkers. Back Cheerleaders.

Creepy Guy: It's gonna cost you.

Siobhan: I expect to hear from you in two days.

Siobhan exits the alley. Creepy Guy follows, rips up the Cora Farrell version of the passport and Visa, and tosses them into a sidewalk trash barrel. Tool Belt, lurking in the shadows, takes this all in. When the coast is clear, he retrieves the documents from the trash, looks them over and sighs.

At Park Ave., Andrew and Bridget meet with the Principal of Juliet's school.

Principal: I have mad video of your daughter throwing herself so hard at Mr. "Logan" Carpenter, that she backs him into a wall. He keeps his hands in the air and off of her at all times. Who's zooming who?

Catherine and Juliet pick just that moment to arrive home.

Juliet: Principal Caruso?! Daddy, what's going on?

DVD Player & TV: Here let us help you.

Catherine, Juliet, Andrew, Bridget, and Principal Caruso: *Watching*

Juliet: *Gasp*

Catherine: What the hell is wrong with you? You tried to do him right there in the hallway? He is your teacher, not the captain of the football team.

Juliet: I made a mistake, but then he hit on me. I didn't want him to be my first.

Recapper: Um...I don't think so.

Bridget: Right?

Catherine: Word.

Andrew: La la la I can't hear this discussion of my daughter's virginity. Let's focus on facts, facts, facts, other facts.

Catherine: The fact is, when Logan wouldn't let Juliet jump his bones, she decided to screw him the only way she could. THERE WAS NO SEXUAL ASSAULT -- WAS THERE, JULIET?!

Bridget: (To Principal Caruso) Would you like me to show you out?

Principal: All my life, I never wanted anything else.

Oz: This is my verse, hello?

Recapper: I thought I already got rid of all you people. Scoot, Oz, you're not in this scene. You're not even in this show.

Oz leaves, with his tail between his legs.

Juliet: Daddy, you believe me, right?

Andrew: I do, but it's no longer black and white.

Juliet: Thanks a lot. I hate your frickin' guts.

Bridget: Juliet?

Catherine: Oh, like you're a big help. You taught her putting out is the way to get what you want out of life.

Bridget: What the hell did you just say to me? I'ma bust your ass for I am Buffy, the Vampire Slayer.

Andrew: Order. I must have order! Why did I not marry British women?

Catherine: You are the world's worst man-stealing stepmother.

Bridget: Well you're an even worser mother and your DNA contribution obviously sucks, because Juliet so didn't get this from Andrew.

Andrew: ENOUGH! Siobhan didn't steal me. I left. This is about Juliet, who is obviously insane in the membrane. I'm off to talk to her. You two stay and duke it out. My money's on Buffy.

At a restaurant, at night, Tool Belt waits for Shiv.

Siobhan: Hi, baby. You, me and some gnocchi. YUM!

Tool Belt: Why did you kill Gemma, BRIDGET?! I know the truth. I saw you sell Shiv's ring. You must have stolen that scarf. I've been following you all day. You tried to buy a fake passport. And yesterday, you didn't remember about liking the Jumble. Do you even know your sister was pregnant?

Siobhan: LOL, I can see how you'd get confused. Gotta say, you are not the one I would have chosen to get this close to the truth so soon.

Tool Belt: Save it for someone who cares.

Siobhan: Like?

Agent Guyliner: Bridget, what is UP?

Siobhan: Eff all my lives.

Over at the FBI Office, i.e. the Fed Shed, Guyliner still thinks Shiv is Bridget, so he fingerprints her and compares the results to Bridget's prints.

Computer: NO MATCH, BEEP BEEP BEEP.

Siobhan: Told ya. I am outta here.

Guyliner: Why would Tool Belt want me to think you're Bridget? Maybe he knows you're a friend of NA Charlie/John. I have a witness that can put you two together in the Hamptons last spring.

Siobhan: That waitress I stiffed. LMAO. It was her birthday, but she was all like, "What the hell kind of a name is Siobhan?" It was totally justified. I hired NA Charlie/John as a Private Investigator, to find out what happened to my sister, from whom I'd been estranged.

Guyliner: Yeah, I've heard that song before. Who is this Cora Farrell person?

Siobhan: Would you believe we're triplets? Probably not. Okay. I don't know. But it would be really cool if I could cook up a triplet, and blame this whole fiasco on her at this point, wouldn't it?

Recapper: If you managed to do that, I would promise to fall back in love with this show. Although, I have to say that on subsequent viewings of this episode, I am growing a little warmer towards it.

Siobhan: You already said that, up top. I only hope something reaches the Nielsen families. Anyhow, Guyliner, Cora's probably just one of Bridget's aliases.

Guyliner: Then why were you getting her passport from Creepy Guy in that creepy alley? Huh? Huh? Riddle me that, Siobhan!

Siobhan: NA Charlie/John got me a phone number during his investigation. I called, hoping it would lead me to Bridget. Creepy Guy asked if I still needed a passport. I met him, hoping it would be a lead, but Creepy Guy was no help. Now may I leave?

Meanwhile, back at the Federal High Security Prison, in Richmond Springs, Colorado, Agent Handsome pays another visit to Officer Jimmy, duh Matador.

Agent Handsome: As if I weren't already appealing, I'll just toss out to the ladies that I was just at my daughter's dance recital, and I'm annoyed that I was called away.

Agent Jimmy: The sisters in this joint are no ladies. Look at my poor face! I'm ready to talk.

Penthouse, night, Bridget and Andrew talk in their room. There's no case against Carpenter. Andrew no longer knows what to think.

Bridget: Um honey bunny, I'm really sorry I went all Righteous Buffy on Catherine. And I'm so sorry about the ring. I should have just told you as soon as I couldn't find it.

Andrew: I thought it was Juliet, but I was wrong.

Recapper: Wait. How do you know it wasn't Juliet? I mean, we know it wasn't Juliet, but how do you know? Did the police or a pawnbroker tell you it was a blonde? Did you see a video of the transaction? What do you know, and how do you know it, Andrew.

Andrew: Regardless, I'm putting in a new security system, tomorrow. Also, I got the ring back, and now it fits you, too!

Bridget: Marry me? Oh, right, we're already "married." *Smoochie smoochie smooch*

Juliet: Daddy, can you come help me with mom? Just daddy.

Out in the living room, Catherine is looking at Juliet's baby pictures and SETTING THEM ON FIRE.

Catherine: I'm having a funeral for my daughter, the slut.

Recapper: That's a verbatim quote, btw.

Juliet: ???!!!???

Andrew: Get your skanky drunken ass and your dead animal pelts out of here.

Catherine: Dick!

Juliet: I'd just like to point out that I am a product of my environment, so you know, whether this whole rape charge turns out to be legit, or a farce, maybe you'll have a little sympathy for me.

The Internet: LOL. Have you met us?

Bridget goes to Juliet's room to do damage control.

Bridget: You mom has a problem. It's not you, it's her.

Juliet: She's never been happy, even when she and Daddy were together, and she always took it out on me.

Bridget: Did I ever tell you about my red and black cowboy boots with the flowers on the side?

Juliet: Redneck.

Bridget: Anyhow, my sister and I were spending the weekend with our dad. I forgot my boots, so I snuck back to my mom's house to get them, only to discover she had destroyed them.

Juliet: With a bitch mother like that, it's a wonder you didn't end up as a stripper/addict and possibly a prostitute -- one who might witness a murder and then go on the lam rather than give State's evidence in order to get out of the prostitution charges.

Bridget: *Cough* I know, right? Anyhow, the real reason my mother burnt the boots was because she was mad at my dad, who had a party to entice my sister and I to stay over. She was trying to get back at my dad. Knowing that made it a little easier.

Juliet: Okee dokee.

Over at the Fed Shed, Guyliner makes notes of all he knows on the Bridget Kelly/Siobhan Martin connection. They read:

NOTES: Siobhan Martin hired John Delario/Charlie Young. Delario finds Bridget Kelly, doesn't tell Martin. Delario and Kelly kidnap Gemma Butler for ransom. Delario kills Butler and Kelly kills Delario. Kelly tries to run as Cora Farrell.

Recapper: Oh so close, but sorry, no.

PHONE: *RING RING*

Agent Handsome: It's Agent Handsome. Good news. Officer Jimmy confessed to murdering Shayline Briggs and Mary Curtis.

Guyliner: FAIL!

Catherine returns, the next morning, to pick up her bags. Bridget is already bringing them out to the foyer when the elevator doors open.

Catherine: I want to see my sweet angel.

Bridget: Sucks to be you. She's gone. Let's just try not to talk. It never works well for us. Juliet left this note for you.

Catherine: Juliet never writes notes. But I remember the notes you left Andrew when he was CHEATING ON ME with you. They were all full of anagrams, like that was clever or something.

Bridget: Buh?

Catherine: Like that time you said you were meeting at Yuck's Leaf, when you meant Lucy's Cafe.

Bridget: Sorry, I have to flashback to my conversation with Tyler Boytoy, because my sister and I used to do word jumbles when we were kids.

Catherine: Did you sleep with her husband behind her back, too?

Bridget: Did refers to something happening in the past, right? Whatever. Here's your bag. Get in the elevator. Don't let the doors hit ya, where the good Lord split ya.

Catherine: You know what, Siobhan, you can suck it.

Bridget: That's what he said.

Network: *COMMERCIAL*

After the break, we watch as Bridget goes through Siobhan's book, trying to make anagrams. When she happens upon the name Moses Volsandio, she starts scribbling, until she comes up with Solomon. That leaves these letters remaining: E, S, V, S, A, D, I, which I'll just unscramble for you now: Vesida. Bridget calls the number next to the name.

Solomon: This is Vesida.

Bridget: OMG I miss doing the Jumble. This is Cora Farrell.

Solomon: How you doin'? What can I do for you?

Bridget: Um... the usual?

Solomon: I'll pick you up in an hour.

Over at the Fed Shed, Guyliner calls Officer Jimmy, who is still in that Colorado prison, which is still no improvement over Why-oh-why, Wyoming.

Guyliner: You're protecting Bodaway Macawi!

Officer Jimmy: Duh. How stupid do you think I am? You had a bunch of prisoners beat me up in order to make me think it was Macawi's men so that I'd turn on Macawi. Oldest trick in the book.

Guyliner: Where is Ben Linus? He could manipulate Officer Jimmy into spilling, without breaking a sweat.

Recapper: He's over on CBS, now. It is the CW's parent network, so maybe he can help you out?

Back at the prison, Bodaway Macawi pays Officer Jimmy a visit.

Officer Jimmy: Get me outta here!

Macawi: What's in it for me.

Officer Jimmy: I'll help you find Bridget Kelly.

Bridget exits the Park Ave. building. Solomon calls out to her, and invites her to get in the car.

Solomon: Should I put up the privacy window? Did you bring your gun?

Bridget: No, it's...what?

Solomon: You said "the usual." I guess you meant the other "usual." It'll take us about 45 minutes to get to JFK.

Bridget: Um... so, when was the last time you took me there?

Solomon: Nine months ago, when you were going to Wyoming, remember? You said you were looking for an old friend.

Bridget: Um. I totally want to go back to the apartment. And Andrew.

Privacy Window: *Raises*

Bridget: [on phone] Are you there, God Malcolm's Voicemail, it's me, Margaret Bridget. I am still not at all afraid that Agent Guyliner will ever get ahold of your cell phone. Also? Siobhan lied! She knew where I was before the trial. She knew I was in Wyoming before the trial. I don't get it. Why didn't she just contact me?

Malcolm's Voicemail: You get how this voicemail thing works, right?

Network: *COMMERCIAL*

Siobhan comes to visit Henry at Gramercy Park West, and tells him she gets why he turned her in, to Agent Guyliner. She asks him to let her show him something. Shouldn't she be wearing a trench-coat for that trick? Meanwhile, over at Park Ave., Andrew knocks on Juliet's door and tells her Andrea is on her way up, to visit.

Elevator Door: *Opens*

Tess Troublemaker: *Steps out*

Andrew: You're not Andrea. You're not even African-American.

Juliet: Tessa Troublemaker, let me again say the episode title. It's kind of my thing. "What are you doing here, ho-bag?" LOL.

Tessa Troublemaker: I knew you'd be like this.

Juliet: Duh. We're enemies.

Tessa Troublemaker: I know, but we need to become frenemies, because Mr. C totally forced me to have sex with him, too. I'm trying to cry now, but I'm not good at it like you are.

Streets of Manhattan, Siobhan and Henry are standing outside the Martin's building, which a handy dandy sign tells us is The Dordonna, located at 626 Park Ave. Tool Belt complains they've been there for a half hour, and yet Shiv hasn't said a thing to him. Shiv tells him to trust her and wait. When she spots Solomon getting out of his car and opening the passenger-side rear door, she turns to Tool Belt.

Siobhan: You believe that I'm Siobhan, right?

Tool Belt: I can't even shake my head enough. Sure, whatever.

Siobhan: Well then, look behind me.

Tool Belt: *Looks*

Bridget *Exits car*

Tool Belt: *Crazy eyes*

Siobhan: That's Bridget. She's the one living a lie, with Andrew, not me. And I'm still pregnant -- with our child.

Tool Belt: *Brain dribbles out ears*

Title Card!

Well, that was more fun, the second time around. I'm not in guilty-TV-pleasure love, like I was before the hiatus, but writing this up the long way, did not make me want to slit my wrists, so that's progress. I'll see you Wednesday morning with my recaplet of, "It's Easy to Cry When This Much Cash is Involved." In the meantime, please grade the episode at the top of the page and then join us in the show thread, where Catherine is teaching us how to mainline champagne.

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]]> The Naked Truth tag:www.televisionwithoutpity.com,2012://2.43250 2012-02-09T16:20:58Z 2012-02-09T16:21:46Z PREVIOUSLY Holden was bruised, and secretive about it. Emily was barred from the swim team, maybe forever. Jenna started up with Noel Kahn, lucky girl. Alison turned out to have multiple identities. Hanna sent everybody a naked picture of her... Jacob Clifton PREVIOUSLY

Holden was bruised, and secretive about it. Emily was barred from the swim team, maybe forever. Jenna started up with Noel Kahn, lucky girl. Alison turned out to have multiple identities. Hanna sent everybody a naked picture of her stepsister, always with a thumb over the nips. Oh, and something strange was going on between Spencer's dad and Alison's brother Jason, where sometimes he was protective of the boy and other times just acted super berserk about and toward him.

VICE-PRINCIPAL TAMBORELLI'S OFC

Ashley Marin: "I can't believe Hanna. It's always something. I need a drink."
New Mrs. Marin: "I can't wait to see you and your daughter get boned on this one."
Tamborelli: "Amusingly enough, I am an African-American man. Mrs. Marin?"
Both: "Yeah?"

Both: "Snerk."

HASTINGS HOUSE OF DEAD GIRL DRYCLEANING

Spencer: "That whole thing with the claim check and the Vivian Darkbloom and all that, what I ended up with was this cute raincoat."
Liars: "That doesn't seem like something Alison would wear, unless it's stained on the side we can't see with somebody's vital juices."
Spencer: "No, it's what Vivian Darkbloom would wear. You guys clearly don't understand the purpose of disguise. Whereas I have been practicing the spycrafts since I was a child."

Aria, verbatim: "Can I touch it?"
Spencer, ditto: "Yeah? It's a raincoat, Aria, it's not a mummy."

Aria immediately finds the clue, a phone number in the pocket, while they discuss this latest of Hanna's many problems.

Spencer: "Uh, obviously let's call it."
Emily: "Okay, stop. Now I feel like we're in a bad place."
Spencer, for real: "We're in my living room, Emily. We are holding a coat."
Emily: "Maybe we should contact the Board and see if we're allowed to touch it."

Questions: First, why wouldn't they call it? Second, why did Alison even come up with Vivian Darkbloom? Third, what were her errands on the occasion that she acted in this capacity?
Objections: One, from Emily, which is that she still thinks the coat is haunted for some reason.

Spencer: "It's probably easier to find out whom Alison was calling when she called this number by actually calling it rather than, say, hiring the fat lady with the tube top at the farmer's market who's gonna tell you your fortune..."
Emily: "I'm not scared!"
Aria: "Okay, but that lady with the tube top makes really good apple butter."
Liars: "Dating a gay teen in a Fight Club has made you kind of awesome."
Aria: "No, you know what it is? I'm talking about something other than fucking Ezra Fitz."

Voicemail Lady: "Leave a message."
Liars: "This is a friend of Vivian's. Can you just give me a call back on this number today? It's really important. Thanks!"

TAMBORELLI

Ashley: "Well, a mistake has been made."
Isabel: "Or your daughter is a bitch!"
Ashley: "Well, point."
Isabel: "Also, this was sent from her phone. I don't see how this is a debate."
Ashley: "She said she didn't do it."
Isabel: "Hanna's resumé speaks for itself. She molests virgins, she drunk-drives into the side of barns, she both gets run over by and runs ghosts over with cars, she throws up on wedding dresses. She murders gambling hermaphrodites at sea."
Ashley: "Again, I cannot disagree."

Isabel: "It's because you're a terrible mother!"
Ashley: "It's because I am a working mother! Because you are a whore that stole my husband!"
Isabel: "I concede your point in turn."

Tamborelli: "This mess does not interest me, but it is quite topical since we're having Challenge Day tomorrow."
Everybody: "What's that?"
Tamborelli: "You should really read the stuff we send home. It's an anti-bullying rally that works wonders on MTV. It's happening tomorrow. It's an all-night lock-in."
Ashley: "Oh, see, I wouldn't even have noticed she was gone. I would be drunk."
Tamborelli: "It's a guided workshop. The goal is to break barriers, forge new connections, and own up to bad behavior. As several people will be saying in that episode. You have to bring a sleeping bag, a toothbrush, and a change in attitude."

...This last so terrifying that it's the kick to the credits.

LOCKERS

A sour young lady slams her locker. I think she needs to forge some new connections.

Liars: "So, just to update us from moments ago, people still think you sent that picture that your phone sent to everybody?"
Hanna: "That is the long and the short of it."
Emily: "Did you guys know I'm not on the swim team?"
Liars: "Yeah, Emily. That's your only storyline for the last month."
Emily: "I just didn't want Hanna getting more attention than usual."
Liars: "Would that be because of this new character, the black Vice Principal with the Italian surname?"
Emily: "Yeah. Get ready to retroactively hate him for existing prior to this episode."

Hanna: "I see he's allying himself with my stepsister because of how I victimized her, to all appearances."
Emily: "Did you guys know I'm not on the swim team?"

Aria: "For what it's worth, I am dressed as a retina-burning hooker from Cool World."
Liars: "It's possible this is your most ass-ugly outfit ever. I like how the radioactive glowing safety-chartreuse reflective trim everywhere matches your reflective chartreuse whore wedges. It shows that -- despite all evidence -- you put some thought into this."
Aria: "It's so I don't get run over by cars. Or approached by anyone in a friendly manner."

Emily: "...Yeah, like I was saying, it turns out he's got a private sponsor on the hook and doesn't want any shovel-finding bitches sullying the school's name or pool. So I'm not on the swim team."
Liars, verbatim: "How much longer are we gonna have to pay for picking up that stupid shovel?"

Okay so now even the show knows that's ludicrous? I find that immensely comforting.

TRUTH UP!

Aria: "Hey, Holden!"
Holden: "Hey, Arrrrrrrrrahhh what the fuck are you wearing?"
Aria: "I'm in a contest with Björk that she doesn't know about. Today might be the day I win."
Holden: "Help me affix this butcher paper to this wall without the use of thumbtacks or any visible means of support, and for no real reason I can fathom."
Aria: "I'm there, dude. How is your horrific bruise you're always getting so Luka about?"
Holden: "Just don't ask me how I am, Aria. Hey, would you hold up this butcher paper, still for no reason?"
Aria: "Sure. Now I can't move, so I guess I'll just stand here looking like a complete asshole in my stupid clothes."

Holden's Bag: Tosses out a big plastic bag o' pills.
Holden: Quickly, and somehow still adorable, gathers them up again.
But Nothing: Gets by old Aria Montgomery. Girlfriend is on the case.

CORRIDOR

Jenna & Noel Kahn: Get they sweet cuddle on.
Spencer: Is enraged, of course. Why?

Jason DiLaurentis: "Spencer, hey! I was just dropping off some forms."
Spencer: "Yeah, you're like twenty-five?"
Jason: "It's for the many young people I counsel, having myself been -- perhaps I've mentioned -- once addicted to the wacky weed."
Spencer: "Okay, I have to go."
Jason: "Me? I've just been in Georgia. Hilton Head. You know, where many things happened. Can you ask your dad to call me?"
Spencer: "Every time I bring you up, he throws more of my sports equipment in the fire. So, no."

Ella! Ella! Ella! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Ella: "Jason, what on earth are you doing here at this high school?"
Jason: "Uh, looking about ten times better than I did before I left."
Ella: "Yeah, it helps that you don't have twink porn hair anymore. So listen, being such an agreeable and forthright young man, would you like to come help out at Truth Up Challenge Day Night tomorrow night?"
Jason: "Will there be tons of young people here that I can talk to about marijuana?"
Ella: "Honestly it's going to be about 90 percent making sure nobody gives anybody else blowjobs."

MARIN COUNTRY

Knock-knock.

Hanna: "Come right in! No big deal, just staring weirdly at this naked picture of my stepsister with my thumb over the nips, like I'm constantly doing for some reason."

Ashley: "Hey, honey, this Truth Up thing seems like maybe it'll parent you in a way I have not seen fit to do."
Hanna: "Mom, duh. This whole Truth Up thing is about me bullying that jackass Kate. It's basically a schoolwide referendum on what a bitch I am."
Ashley: "Let's make some lemonade, huh?"
Hanna: "..."
Ashley: "On another note, you know that if anybody was messing with you I would jack them up, right? Just annihilate them?"
Hanna: "That's sweet, but..."
Ashley: "Or I mean, maybe this is my fault. Maybe covering for you all the time..."
Hanna: "-- Ha! Yeah, that's probably it. I'm probably a trainwreck because of how overprotective you are."

Ashley: "I mean, like if I ask you whether somebody's stalking you, you shut me down. When I ask why you're constantly getting framed for awful shit, you shut me down. It's like you don't want me to know there's this vast conspiracy using me as a hostage."
Hanna: "..."
Ashley: "Okay, well. Good talk. I'm going to have some wine."
Hanna: "Mom? I did not do this thing with the picture. But that's all I can say."

Ashley: "My pissed face looks a lot like my worried face."
Hanna: "Honestly, that's the best sign that you're a good mom. Ella's the same way."

TRUTH UP!

Ella goes around being awesome and taking away everybody's cell phones and telling them to get in line, pick a line, it does not matter which line, just do it, cut momma a break. It's adorable.

Holden: "Hey, Aria. It's nice how you're going to be wearing this lovely red top for the bulk of the episode. Thank God Challenge Day wasn't yesterday or we'd be looking at that foul mess all night long."
Aria: "Well, look closer because I'm wearing cutout black jeans like an '80s stripper, but otherwise I do look pretty cute. Anyway, are you hooked on drugs? Or dealing drugs? And who are you secretly dating? And why don't you tell me anything about anything?"
Holden: "Yes. Among the many men of Rosewood, I'm the sketchy one."
Aria: "No, you're adorable even when you're being sketchy. I just... Listen, secrets kill. And right now, you're the only one who seems to be keeping secrets for no real reason. You're not drinking Spooky Milk, you're not molesting any Underaged Girls Who Are Probably Spencer, you were out of the country when Ali died... What else could you possibly be concerned about?"

Holden: "The thing is that all of your suppositions are true. It's not an either/or. I actually am a gay drug-dealing super hero in a Fight Club that is hooked on drugs and dates black girls and is being beaten by his parents."
Aria: "All at the same time?"
Holden: "...No, you idiot."

Whoosh.

OH & ALSO

Aria and Emily have this conversation like six times over the course of the episode:

Emily: "Are there any messages from that number?"
Aria: "What number?"
Emily: "Uh, the phone number we found in Ali's coat."
Aria: "What coat? Who's this now?"

It is weird every time.

RM. 206

Hey Jenna Thing, whatcha knowin'? Oh, just gonna tunelessly play the piano while everybody files in? Sounds like a plan. All minor chords, huh? That's my girl.

Aria: "I will be damned if I'm going to break barriers, forge new connections, and own up to bad behavior in the same room as Jenna."
Caleb: "I hate her too. I have that same paranoia thing you Liars do, where you always think it's Jason or Ian or whoever Spencer's obsessed with each week, only my pool of suspects is limited to Jenna because you're keeping me in the dark about everything and she's the only villain I've come into contact with -- besides Garrett, now -- so I can only assume that everything that happens on this show is due to Jenna."
Aria: "We do that too, about every third episode. And now that she's with Noel Kahn it's like, Who Knows."

Jason: "Mrs. Veronica Hastings! Nice to see you."
Veronica: "Yeah, nice 'n' creepy. Please don't ask me about my husband."
Jason: "Is your husband here?"
Veronica: "No, he is away on... He's visiting some... He is in space."
Jason: "In space, you say."
Veronica: "Yep. Flew into space. Space shuttle."

Aria: "Oh, boy."
Caleb: "You know that guy? He's gotta be like twenty-five."
Aria: "Yeah. He's my dead friend's brother. We kind of dated. Well, not 'dated' so much as I used him to make my elderly pedophile gentleman a more ardent lover."
Caleb: "And you're the normal one."
Aria: "He brought me pictures of the inside of my nostrils where it looked like I was dead. He had them framed."
Caleb: "And now he's here to help us break barriers, forge new connections and own up to bad behavior."

Aria: "Just don't antagonize Jenna Thing, or Jason DiLaurentis. They are unknowns."
Caleb: "I will be damned if I don't bitch Jenna out today."
Aria: "It is your funeral. And mine. Everybody we know, basically. But you go right ahead."

GYMNASIUM

Have I mentioned how obsessed I am with Challenge Day? Oh my God. On TV it works so well. I like to imagine that Tina Fey invented it. I don't know how it works out in real life, but on MTV it was always like, "Oh man, you're poor? I'm secretly gay!" And vice versa. And then the slut of the whole school would make everybody cry, and then the quarterback is all, "I cannot read!" and the big gay kid is like, "I am a pretty nice person!" and everybody just hugs and hugs and hugs, and it's like that forever, and nothing is ever the same at that school. Ever again.

Ashley: "Take a step forward if ... you'd rather not be here."
Mona: "How about we skip this step and just jump out the window?"
Ashley: "Miss Vanderwaal, you are welcome to try."

Ashley: "Take a step if ... you feel you've ever been mistreated by a student of a faculty member of this school."
Emily: GIANT EMILY STEPS
Ashley: "One step at a time, as they say in my daughter's future."

Ashley: "Take a step if ... you've ever felt the school was an unsafe or unwelcoming environment."
Everybody on this entire show: GIANT EMILY STEPS
Ashley: "Right, because we live in Rosewood PA, the Bad-Touch Capital of the Eastern Seaboard."

Ashley: "Emily, I noticed you once again took two giant steps. You juicin' again?"
Emily, verbatim: "One step is not enough! It's not safe! Or welcoming! For some of us, it gets worse every day!"
Ashley: "In the three-ring binder they sent us, it says the overdramatic lesbian's not supposed to crack until like 11 AM. It's still first period, sweetie."

Emily: "I AM NO LONGER ON THE SWIM TEAM!"
Everybody: "Oh my God, we know."

Tamborelli: "Fields. Come here so I can dress you down in front of everybody, subverting the point this entire exercise in such a grotesque and flagrant way I should probably be fired."
Emily: "But I..."

Staring Mona: Who could ever predict what that girl is thinking.

Tamborelli, and get this shit: "If you're feeling unsafe and unwelcome, maybe it's because your behavior has made your teammates and other students at this school feel the same way. Now, you're not helping your cause by attacking me..."
Emily: "I totally wasn't doing that? This is not about you?"
Tamborelli, scary: "You're no saint, Emily. Maybe it's time you take a look at what got you to this point."

Which, valid. I mean, not the shovel part, but the college fraud and the HGH stuff? Maybe she didn't mean to do about one and a half of those things, true, but you take your lumps. It's not this guy's fault that A arranged things in such a tremendously unhelpful way -- it's kind of A's thing -- and Emily's pointing the finger at this guy because the plot demands it, rather than because it makes sense for her (or anybody, but especially Emily) to do so.

On the other hand, he's kind of a cocksucker and he is ruining Challenge Day, so fuck him.

OH AND

There's a nice shot here where Mona considers Emily, and vice versa, while Ashley's voice can be heard reading:

"This exercise is about discovery. Discovering yourselves, and discovering your classmates..."

I love how so many of the milestones these girls have set for them has to do with making amends to Ali's victims. I mean, they were Alison's victims too, of a certain stripe, but part of cleaving to Ali was making sure that she didn't come after them, and the shit kept rolling downhill. They were de facto quislings about a lot of that shit. (Where it came from, above Ali on that inclined plane of rolling shit, we have yet to learn. I've got some ideas. This show's allowed to do a lot worse stuff to Ali than it can to the main four, if you think about it, and they've taken a fair amount of pretty horrible abuse already.)

But so Mona and Lucas, in addition to being awesome characters and fun to watch, are also pretty symbolic of the Liars' development. So much about growing up has to do with taking out the things you're least proud of and the things that make you feel the worst or the scaredest or the ugliest and actually just looking at it, figuring it out, so that it can't shame you anymore. In alchemy, actually, the word albedo refers to this process, this washing-and-rewashing, and it's the most important step.

So Lucas has been taken out and looked at by all of them, pretty much, and washed clean -- no pun intended -- and now it seems like it's Mona's turn, first with Spencer and now with Emily, seeing those other parts of her that Hanna sees.

(And how interesting it is that Hanna, the neediest and the least secure of them, is the first one to ever do this work? She was the first one to work with Therapy Anne, the first one to break through, the first one to bring in any of these people. I have this theory that sometimes it's hard to see the healthiest people for what they are, because they're always churning up so much shit in the interest of becoming more honest and more healthy, that it just looks perpetually crazy. Which is not really functional either, so it all flips over again and doesn't matter, but: Hanna Marin, is she an artist? Maybe.)

But where it gets really weird is, that means this road ends with Jenna, which is just brilliant. The thing that they're afraid of most is the job they have to do in the end, the thing that they have to fix the hardest. The first Thing is the last and scariest Thing. I mean, they had no problem accepting Alison -- who was more repulsive than Jenna could ever be, which is exactly what they liked about her -- so it doesn't really matter that she's a very bad guy. Because that's on her. It is irrelevant. But this part, the part where their psychological and maybe spiritual health is contingent on getting their shit together, that part's on them.

Aria came close when she was Anita -- Anita, with tears pouring down her face for the vulnerability, and the loss, and the fearful brave ugly beautiful terrible humanity of Jenna -- and I don't think it's an accident that the beautiful vase Jenna made came back to her, via Mike. I think it was a message that Aria misread, that read something like:

"If you were able to love Alison DiLaurentis, and it damned you, then you're going to have to find a way to love Jenna Marshall. Because that's what's going to save you."

If I were a vase, I'd probably say something like that. Frankly, I think that's the day Jenna will be able to see again.

Because in order to change anything, you have to be able to look at it as it is, not how we want it to be or how it affects us. Christianity is a good thing in a lot of ways, but it has not done us a favor in at least one way, which is giving our culture a handy tool to divide things easily into Good and Bad. Which is just a shortcut to ignoring, or destroying, or otherwise limiting -- this is why Jenna's eyes are covered; this is what Vivian Darkbloom is in part about -- the things we think are Bad. But you can't change anything until you can see it for what it actually is.

Which is why I love Challenge Day, because it carries at least the hope that by the end of things you'll be able to look at the Bully, or the Slut, or the Fag, or the Bitch, and see: A Person. That no matter what the things are that divide us, the things we have in common will always outweigh and outnumber them. And that most of the time, the thing we share the most in common -- the precious thing, therefore, we need to look at most -- is just our loneliness. That's what puts the Challenge in, and it's what's being Challenged on, Challenge Day: That simple, nasty thing we all have in common.

ANYWAY, COURTYARD

While Aria's getting a text from A threatening Caleb, and staring around at the people in her group (Jenna pops some scary gum in her mouth!), this is Ella's group: Hanna, Kate, Noel Khan, hangers-on of Noel Kahn.

Kate Wants: To go back to her old school, where Hanna is not.
Noel Kahn Wants: Half days on Fridays, and no Trig.
Ella Wants: You to pull it together.

Ella: "What's so great, Kate, that they had at your old school?"
Kate: "Nice people."
Ella: "We have some of those. Somewhere around here."
Kate: "Also, I would like to decide the punishments for those who wrong me."
Noel Kahn: "That's a good idea. If I was at a new school and got martyred in that way, I would go postal. Unless I was incredibly hot, and then I would be proud."
Everybody: "Let's find out, shall we?"

Ella, awesomely verbatim: "Noel Kahn, drop the Bad Boy act and just Get Real."
Noel Kahn: "Bad Boys? Got nothing on Mean Girls. Guys have a fight, there's a punch, it's over. Girls don't fight fair. They gang up, they keep secrets, they plot. They can cut you down with a look..."
Hanna: "THIS IS ABOUT ME! IT'S ALWAYS ABOUT ME! NOEL KAHN YOU ARE A VILLAIN!"
Ella: "Hanna, I think he was just employing divisive stereotypical language like that to oppress you. You know, like how bitches always be fighting with each other? Think of it as a handy trick men fooled women into believing, so they don't team up and start a riot."

Hanna: "He is smug! And blackmailed a boyfriend of a friend! I have to go!"
Ella: "I invite you to please chill, instead."
Hanna: "Mrs. Montgomery, you've known me a long time. Am I a bully? A Mean Girl? All that shit he was saying?"
Ella: "...Well, I mean, you're acting insane at this moment, but..."
Hanna: "FINE! EVERYBODY THINKS I DID THAT THING! HANNA OUT!"

Kate: Snerk.
Noel Kahn: "If you were paying attention, I was also admitting how vulnerable and weak men actually are, because all men feel secretly controlled by women, which is why we are so awful to them all the time. How the only difference is that men have spent thousands of years perfecting a system to control the narrative, the money, the bodies and the politics, keeping a two-way war static as a one-way system of oppression."
Random Old: "They always miss that part. Thank God, right?"

LATER

Mona: "Before we discuss anything of note, can I obsess on Hanna like usual?"
Emily: "She's fine. I mean, everybody thinks she sent that picture her phone sent..."
Mona: "Occam's Razor, right? People are toads."
Emily: "Listen, I know you overheard Tamborelli jackhammering me..."
Mona: "He is Toad of Toad Hall!"
Emily: "Yeah, but I also am kind of a bully, insofar as I let Alison terrorize you."
Mona: "Oh, honey. That was like two personalities ago."

<3. That is all.

Emily: "Anyway. I'm sorry I let her treat you so badly."
Mona: "Thanks! Now, how are we going to get you back on the swim team?"
Emily: "Did I miss the part where we started scheming?"
Mona: "If you were a guy, you'd already be back on the Sharks. Do you have any idea how much slack he cuts for the football team? 'Offensive Line' doesn't begin to describe what they get away with. I used to work in the VP's office during home room, I know a lot. You should too."

RM. 206

Veronica: "Okay, the next step is to write some anonymous bitchy glow-in-the-dark things on the walls and then turn off the lights and read them to each other. It's possibly I am not understanding how this exercise is supposed to be done."
Jenna: "Not if I can help it! I am going to make this about me!"
Veronica: "Jenna, we're here to break barriers, forge new connections, and own up to bad behavior. Jason can help you write down your bitchy things, I know you guys were in that secret club together, and if not, I'm sure there's somebody you trust..."
Jenna: "-- There is not!"
Veronica: "Keep in mind that this is about forging new connections and owning up to bad behavior, but also about breaking down barriers. The possibilities..."
Everybody: "Oh boy..."

Jenna: "To what? Forgive everybody who has mistreated me? Gah! I am not one for group hugs, Mrs. Hastings. I do not need an ultraviolet flashlight to see the secrets, the phonies, the liars. They are everywhere."
Veronica: "Besides being blinded that one time, what on earth has ever happened to you?"
Jenna: "I have a huge list! Of malfeasances!"
Nobody: Can remember a single time anybody did anything to Jenna except for that one time she got blinded. Or a time that Jenna Thing acted this creepy.

Jenna: "I was in the Ladies' and I was cornered! And smacked!"
(Caleb: "Is she talking about Hanna?")
Jenna: "And this bitch goes, 'By the way, this is Hanna. In case you were confused.' Because I'm blind!"
(Aria: "Yeah, I think so.")

Caleb: "No no no. Bitch, if you'd reported that, you'd have to admit that you threw the first punch. A punch named Cyberwolf."
Aria: "Caleb please don't she's gonna kill us she's the worst"
Caleb: "I mean, we're supposed to tell the whole truth today, right? Not just the part we want to remember? By the way, this is Caleb speaking. In case you were confused."
Jenna: "Yeah, it was just like that. And she motherfucking paid for it. Feel me?"

CORRIDOR

Spencer: "Hey Jason! Weird that you're running this with my mom. And hey, what's the deal with you and my Dad, and like, why did he rewrite that will to protect you, and like, why is he always bending over backwards for you specifically, and like, why does he get so weird about you all the time, and like, what is the mysterious relationship between our families that randomly comes up whenever you're in town, and like, how does it factor in with the NAT Club and my friend's disappearance and the ghost ninja?"
Jason: "Ask your dad."
Spencer: "Fuckin'... Yeah, I'll do that. Thanks for nothing."

Emily: "Caleb went after Jenna?"
Aria: "I know, I almost shit."
Emily: "What did she do? Is he okay?"
Aria: "Nothing yet. She's always doing that. Nothing. No matter how scared we are of her. Just lurking with that stick of hers and occasionally spying on us through stuffed animals."
Emily: "Ohh, Hanna is gonna freak the fuck out. Caleb just keeps getting deeper and deeper. Hey, did anybody call from that number?"
Aria: "...What number?"

(Let's discuss it! Aria finally remembers what they're talking about.)

Aria: "You call this time."
Emily: "I've still got glass in my hair!"
Aria: "But I don't know what a Vivian Darkbloom sounds like."
Emily: "She sounds like Alison! Because she was Alison! Just in a wig!"

Aria: "Uh, hellooo! This is Gretchen van Hoosler speaking, I am a bosom friend of Miss Vivian Darkbloom? I fear she may not have received my post of Thursday last, concerning a tea party at which..."
Girl: "Yeah, we got that dumb voicemail and we don't know a Vivian at this number and just to undermine everything I just said, I'm going to aggressively suggest you never call this number again unless you want to be murdered."
Emily: "...That's what you remember Alison talking like?"

Mona Vanderwaal, Woman Of Many Voices: "Will Emily Fields please report immediately to the Vice Principal's office?"

DINNER

Holden: "It's so weird to be here at night! I call food 'grub' sometimes."
Aria: "I can't eat nighttime-lunch with you on account of you are full of lies."
Holden: "That is true, I am chock full of lies and drugs. Hey, are we still going out on our usual Saturday date? I'm really 'hurting' for a 'fix,' if you know what I mean. Of drugs."
Aria: "You gotta give a sister something, dude. This is getting weird."
Holden: "Relax, sweetcheeks. It's all good."
Aria: "No, like, think about a month from now when you OD and they're like, 'Did you notice any suspicious bruises, or like, huge gallon-sized freezer bags full of pills?' and what, I'm gonna be all, 'Yeah, but I sorta had my own shit going on.'"
Holden: "But then who will be your beard?"
Aria: "I'll figure it out."

The Music: Abruptly starts acting like they actually were dating and they actually just broke up. It's weird.

THE ROOF

Oh no, that's why the music, got it. It just started early, on a weird cut from Aria making Intervention faces about ol' Scraggle, so it seemed like it was bridging the scenes. Sorry.

Caleb: "Whine to me."
Hanna: "Done."
Caleb: "I'm going to hack-trace your phone and protocol your Internets, okay?"
Hanna: "Okay, this one time you can hack a phone."
Rustle rustle.
Caleb: "Relax, it's just the ragged creepy plastic sheeting everywhere."
Hanna: "Caleb, trust me when I say we are not alone. There is always at least one ninja listening to every conversation I have."
Caleb: "No, I... Did I ever mention I was homeless for a while?"
Hanna: "Once or twice."
Caleb: "Well, I used to relax out here when I needed to get away from pretty much already being away from it all. I'd come up here on a moonlit night with some snacks and my sad feelings. And then I would turn into a wolf. And nobody ever came up here, it was always just the plastic sheeting."
Hanna: "Well, just hold me until you are proven wrong, and we're both killed."

VP OFC

Mona: "Did you know I am also a hacker? And I can impersonate any voice? And I am handy with a spreadsheet? And I can get into the school's financials and easily find ways to blackmail the administration? Did you know that while I was telling you this, I figured out Tamborelli's new password? No big deal, just a random sequence of twelve letters and numbers, some in upper case. Child's play, really."

Emily: "...You are the scariest fucking person. Mama like."

WINE PATIO

Ella: "Have some wine, girlfriend!"
Veronica: "God, I am going to need jugs of the stuff to get through this shit."
Ashley: "I brought actual jugs!"

Ashley: "I think this Truth Up thing is probably a good idea. Lots of secrets and lying and whatnot."
Ella: "You know what's not a secret? I believe Hanna. I don't think she did it. It could very well just be someone trying to make her look bad."
Veronica, verbatim: "Why? To what end?"

I don't know, that just cracked me up. I love how Veronica's this lawyer that is always so precise and firm about everything, and yet she had Ian and Melissa in her house that whole time doing God knows what, and Spencer's just completely lost her damn mind, and she's actually argued more than once that the girls are being framed over and over for this shit, that shit, the stump, the shovel, the fashion show that should have proved it to everybody forever, whatever, but right now she's just sittin' there like, "To what end?"

Ella: "Do you ever get the feeling that our daughters are being stalked by an unnatural force or conspiracy?"
Ashley: "Ever since she lost Alison, Hanna's been off the chain. And I mean off the chizain."
Ella: "That's part of the reason we went to the frozen north, to distract Aria."

Veronica, verbatim: "I don't think the moment was when they lost Alison. I think it was when they met Alison."
Even The Moms: "Well played. She was pretty gross, now that you mention it."

Veronica Hastings, you are batting 1.000 today! I love the moms on this show! All of them are so awesome, in such different ways! And yet once again I just picture Pam Fields sitting there, feeling uncomfortable and like the other moms are these drunken whores, and it just makes me sad, because I think Pam deserves friends -- other than her vacuum cleaner and Jesus, of course -- but I have no clue how to make that work out for her.

VP OFC

I love Mona but this is not my style of humor, both because of the structure of it and because I think it's unfair to an actor, especially an awesome one like JP, to give them something ungainly like this:

Mona: "Well, baste me in bling and call me Bulgari!"

Decidedly unmusical, not to mention played, like, Carol Burnett called, but this is a very good script anyway, so I shouldn't bitch. Anyway, it seems a Ryan Giraldo was caught tagging, but then put back on the team after his father, a Mr. Giraldo, who owns a Danish furniture store, offered Tamborelli a $2,000 office chair which he expensed at $29.99.

Mona: "She shoots, she scores!"

Mona, I'm begging you. Anyway, that's the bribe. Emily pulls it together finally.:

Emily: "Wait, stop. I can't blackmail a school official."
Mona: "Honey, you can't be a Shark if you're toothless!"

There we go.

MEANWHILE

Jason: "Same number, same house. You know where to find me. That house. Next door to your house. Where I live. Your number, plus or minus two. Easy to spot."
Veronica: "Oh, hey Jason."
Jason: "That would be me, leaving your husband a message. BTW, you lied and he's not out of town. Or in space."

Spencer: Lurking, of course.

Veronica: "Yeah, I lied. But it's none of your business where he is anyway."
Jason: "Ohhhhh it's my business. It's always been my business. I just didn't know that until recently!"
Veronica: "Jason, we're here to, in part, forge new connections. True. But this is maybe not the best approach."
Jason: "Depends on how you look at it, Mrs. Hastings. It's also about coming clean and owning up to the truth, but hey, if you want to stay in denial, go for it."
Spencer: "What does this mean? Just kidding, clearly he is my half-brother. I better have a flashback to be sure."

FLASHBACK

Ali was at Spencer's, doing magazine quizzes and reading about German cannibals as you do, while downstairs the Hastingses were having at it.:

Alison: "Ready for this? Some dude in Germany went on a dating website and advertised for someone he could kill and eat."
Spencer: "Shut up!"
Alison: "I'm serious! And got, like, 220 responses. Why does every woman think that she can change a guy?"

There was a rimshot. (I am like obsessed with that case to this day. I don't even get why people like to get slapped around in bed, much less why you would want to eat somebody. To me they are... It's not a lateral move, I'm not saying that exactly, but for me they are similarly confusing. Why? How come? To what end?)

Veronica, downstairs: "...We've been neighbors for fifteen years!"
Alison: "What's going on? Are they splitting up? Do they do this every night?"
Spencer: "No, my dad's just upset because Jason gave Melissa a ride home from Philly, and they got caught making out in the car."
Alison: Love. Ing. It.
Spencer: "Ali, stop. I don't want to hear this."
Alison: "I do! Jason and Melissa? That's juicier than the guy that eats his dates!"

Veronica: "No harm no foul!"

Spencer: "My dad is freaking out over nothing. Melissa's obsessed with Ian, she doesn't even like Jason..."
Veronica: "She better not. That would be a match frowned upon by the Gods."

DINNER

Hanna: "Sorry I wasn't answering calls, but Caleb has my phone. Hey, is that a huge birthmark on Kate's side? Listen, I've been staring at this photo with my thumb over the nips for like a week now and trust me, there is no birthmark on that picture."
Liars: "Show us!"
Hanna: "No phone. Emily, I bet you still have it."
Emily: "...Sigh, yeah. Ya got me. Here."

Liars: "Okay but to what end? Why would A go to all that trouble to Photoshop her body, if the aim was to humiliate her?"
Hanna: "You guys, clearly this is Kate's doing. It wasn't A. It's not always A."
Liars: "Ah, look at Miss Smartypants explaining to us the nature of things."

LADIES'

Kate: "Hanna, I don't care to hear your apology."
Hanna: "Kate, I don't care to say an apology. I care to say that it was you that sent that picture."
Kate: "Ridiculous. To what end?"
Hanna: "You Photoshopped it..."
Kate: "-- Not all of us have to work as hard as you, Hanna..."
Hanna: "You 'Shopped it, you sent it, you reaped the bitchy rewards. Exhibit A, your birthmark. Yeah, I saw it when you took off your sweater. Bam!"
Kate: "Fine! It was that, or wait for Spencer to send out those weird pictures of me from riding camp! You girls are bitches!"

Hanna: "You know, maybe it's time I really took a picture of you, Kate. Aria, can I borrow your phone?"
(The girls all come out of stalls holding their cameras. AMBUSH!)
Aria: "Yeah, in a minute. I'm using it though. To record this conversation."

See, how much better would that have been if she left off the last clause? Always with the extra bit. Always that extra feather, danglin' from your business. (To what end?) Anyway, they rehash it and do that delightful scriptwriter trick -- "it's genius!" -- where they explain why the plan was genius -- because she gets sympathy, takes a chunk out of Hanna and gets a free-slutty card where all the guys got to see her assets -- in case you weren't there when this was obvious. But it was a nice surprise, so that's fine too.

Hanna: "Caleb still hates her, which reminds me, you have to go find Caleb and tell him to stop cracking or hacking my phone, because he assumes Jenna is behind everything all the time."
Aria: "To what end? And why me? I've still got glass in my hair."
Hanna: "Because you're in the same group, dude. Just go. Find him. If Jenna finds out that he's hacking into my phone, maybe this will cause strife in some way. Meanwhile I have to go show my mom that I am good and Kate is a bitch."

SPOOKY ROOM 206

Is empty except for Noel Kahn By Moonlight and Jenna Thing, undulating like serpents with grudges and sexy scary agendas, and the glow-in-the-dark secrets:

I'm still a virgin
My parents are illiterate
I HATE MY LIFE
I've Never Been Kissed.
Im AFRAID of my dad
I KNOW WHO KILLED ALISON DiLAURENTIS

Maybe we're the ones seeing them, not Aria, but either way she doesn't seem to care much about them. Not even the last one. Too bad about the illiterate parents. Too bad about all of it, really. Being a teenager is mostly bad. But not all bad! If I were doing a Challenge Day at that age, I guess mine would probably have said something like "LITERALLY ALL I THINK ABOUT IS DOING IT WITH DAWSON LEERY - ALL DAY - EVERY DAY - IT IS EXHAUSTING" with exhausting underlined like six times. I've never been one to keep secrets so there weren't really that many I could have picked from, even back then. Probably that wasn't even a secret, actually.

Hostile Noel Kahn: "Looking for somebody?"
Uncurious Aria: "Sorry, I thought Caleb was in here?"
Hostile Noel Kahn: "He's not."
Both Of Them Creeps: "Is he missing? Hope so. Maybe somebody threw him out with the rest of the garbage."
Aria, awesomely: "Yeah, okay. Well, if he comes back here...?"

I love that. Trapped in a dark room with Noel Kahn plus Jenna Marshall? Fuck it. This is the scariest thing that's possibly ever going to happen, so whatever. Stay frosty, Sodapop.

Holden sees Aria flash by, still looking for Caleb, and gets worried. She heads up to the roof, where it's been said that sometimes Caleb goes and turns into a wolf.

BROCASE BRODOWN

Where is Caleb? The computer lab, doing hacker stuff. You can see him through the window as Spencer makes her way to Jason. They are both having a jacked-up night, huh?

A: "Don't be scared, Spence. We're all family here -- some more than others..."
Spencer: "I don't even have time for you right now, A."

Spencer: "Jason, take that iPod out of your ear and tell me a very fucked up thing."
Jason: "That I'm your brother? Who told you?"
Spencer, and it's lovely: "Alison, kind of. A long time ago. I just... I didn't hear it, until tonight."

ROOFTOP SHENANIGANS

It's not the plastic sheeting! It's a variety of people. First it is A, then it is Noel Kahn, then maybe Holden. So many boys wandering around on the roof, none of them Caleb. None of them the plastic sheeting. Well, it's not long before Aria loses her shit and just starts climbing up a chimney, so Noel Kahn -- who is looking also for Caleb, to beat him up for coming after his girlfriend like that, which is kind of legit -- tries to pull her down again.

Roundhouse! Brutal roundhouse! To the abdomen! Noel Kahn goes down! Even Noel Kahn is surprised! Who is even more surprised is: Aria, who has just learned that Holden is some kind of a martial arts master. Just as predicted.

Noel Kahn: "I wasn't attacking her! I was just pulling on her stripper wedge from a great height while growling at her in a menacing way. God!"

And then they just leave him up there! I hope he's okay. It gets cold at night in the PA.

Aria: "Where did you learn to kick somebody like that? Portugal? Or wait, is this part of the Secret? Your bruise? Did somebody jump on you like that? To what end?"

Get used to it, Holden. Ezra Fitz had to change his number three times, was threatened with jail time and the end of his career, and she still managed to make him go back out with her. Just give it up, bro. She isn't going to let this one slide.

BUT WHAT OF NOEL KAHN?

It's finally time to sleep. Mona takes care of Tamborelli out in the hallway, so once again Emily's hands are clean. She runs back, all excited at a job done well, and they giggle and are sweet, but then...

Emily: "Why would you do this for me?"
Mona: "It was fun? That's what friends do? But now you've got to help me."
Emily: "Ah, here we fuckin' go. The other shoe."
Mona: "-- What do people wear to a swim meet? If I show up in my wedges, are they gonna get mushy?"

And oh, how they laugh.

VP OFC

Ashley: "Hey, Isabel? I think Tamborelli wanted to talk to you."
Isabel: "About how your daughter is a psycho bitch?"
Ashley: "No, not exactly. Also, you are a whore. I just wanted to reiterate that."

The girls come out of Tamborelli's office -- and can I just say he is doing a shitload of administrative things, for it being the middle of the night -- and Hanna is happy and vindicated but not vindictive, whereas Kate is still making that face. Maybe it's just her face.

HASTINGS ISSUES

Spencer goes ballistic on Veronica, of course.

Spencer: "Why am I the last to know?"
Veronica: "You're not. Melissa doesn't know either."
Spencer: "Say what? Also, how can you be okay with this? And how can you go on living next door to them for all of these years?"
Veronica: "I just found out fairly recently, and by then there wasn't much of a point."
Spencer: "Why was I not involved in this conversation about what's best for our family?"
Veronica: "Honey, first of all you're a kid. But to be honest, most of the things our family does don't concern you. We actually all live in an entirely different house several miles away, quite happily. Melissa's there, and the Devil Baby, and your Dad and I. It's great. You'd love it."
Spencer: "No! I! Wouldn't!"

EVERYBODY FEELS WEIRD SOMETIMES

Spencer: Feeling super weird.
Emily: Wakes up from her weird vibes.

Emily: "...OMG, I got like six missed calls from that number."
Aria: "What number?"
Emily: "Are you fucking serious? The number from the... Never mind. Liars, Assemble!"
Liars: Assemble. Aria dials it back again.

Aria: "Hellooo? This is Madame Brandina Alexanderplatz speaking. May I ask who..."
Duncan: "I am the latest hottie of this show. Let's meet and talk about Vivian Darkbloom. I promise not to murder you."
Aria: "Sounds good, let's meet up."

A-TAG/NEXT WEEK

You'd think a formerly homeless werewolf/computer hacker would sleep with his laptop inside his sleeping bag or something, right? Like those hobo reflexes would be somewhat retained? But no. So now A has his computer, maybe the only thing he actually owns, and A is determined to use it against him. Who knows, I suppose, how this fits into the love triangle on that show we never get to see, but if it means more Jenna and/or Noel Kahn, then bring it.

JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Gossip Girl, The Good Wife, Pretty Little Liars and True Blood for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, most recently A Friday Night Lights Companion and Fringe Science.

]]> Making Angels tag:www.televisionwithoutpity.com,2012://2.43231 2012-02-09T15:15:00Z 2012-02-09T15:30:06Z We're in a doctor's office. A gloomy-looking man with a bandage on his right hand speaks one word: "Malignant?" Looks like another feel-good episode! Actually, the doctor jumps right in to say it's small, still in the early days and... Daniel We're in a doctor's office. A gloomy-looking man with a bandage on his right hand speaks one word: "Malignant?" Looks like another feel-good episode! Actually, the doctor jumps right in to say it's small, still in the early days and with radiation, this type of carcinoma is ninety-five per cent treatable. Ninety-five? That's almost ninety-six! This carcinomatous Chet Williams does not seem cheered by those odds, nor comforted by the doctors bearded sincerity, nor amused by his joke that those are better odds than you get driving up the Mass Pike.

So the doctor breaks out the big guns (speaking patient-comfortwise): He gets up from behind his desk and sits on the front of it, facing Chet. "I've known you what, twenty years? We're going to get through this." Chet still doesn't speak.

Then he has to suffer the indignity of going from a cancer diagnosis to waiting for his bus on a bench that proclaims "Life's better in the sun." He's sitting there, brooding, when a man sits down next to him, holding some sort of small blue-glowing cylinder in his right hand. "Tissue connectivity. That's what goes last," says the man, who we'll find out later is Neil Chung. (No, not the same guy from Crosby, Stills, Nash and Chung.) Chet's all, wha? So Neil elaborates that the cure -- radiation -- will make him sick and weak, but it won't work, because the cancer has multiplied. Then it's chemotherapy, but the cell replication rate is too high. Neil's got Chet's attention now, as he explains about hurting, aching, burning bones and renal failure. You know, I'm not one who subscribes to the "I wish it were the good ol' days" mindset, but there was a time when it was considered rude to discuss renal failure at a bus stop. Neil checks his little blue cylinder and then puts it in his pocket. "And soon, you lose all mobility below the waist. Impotence, incontinence and, finally, full respiratory failure. All from one tiny mole."

And now Chet's a little more on board with this ninety-five percent survival rate that his doctor was talking about. "You're the other five percent," says Neil. The bus arrives, blocking our view. When it pulls away again, Neil's gone and Chet's lying motionless on the bench, streaks of blood running from his eyes. Nobody appears to have gotten off and there's no screaming, so maybe the bus is empty and no one saw what happened? As for the bus driver, well, as long as Neil had exact change, the bus driver's got no problem with him.

After the opening credits, we get the extra-special leg-cam showing us someone clad in Earth-2's Fringe Division's stylish urban-war black and grey camouflage. It's the Farnsworthbot, using the bridge to cross over to the other side. She gazes up in wonder at a Statue of Liberty not made of bronze...

... and then we're back to Earth-2 where Col. Broyles has summoned Fauxlivia and Lincoln Bee to his office to tell them that the bridge was activated an hour ago by an agent crossing over to the other side without any mission imperative. Fauxlivia's wondering if someone defected, but Col. Broyles says he can't imagine that's the case, as it was Farnsworthbot who went. Lincoln Bee wants to know who gave her clearance, and Col. Broyles points out that she's got the same security clearance as any senior Fringe agent, and is in fact responsible for processing transit papers and clearance; it just never occurred to them that she'd use it for herself.

Col. Broyles doesn't know what she's doing over there -- she went off the grid right after crossing over -- but he wants to send a team of agents to retrieve her. Fauxlivia says Farnsworthbot doesn't do anything without a reason. "After the day she's had, I got a hunch where she's headed. I'll go get her," she says, although we don't know yet what kind of day she's had.

So back over to our universe, where Peter and Walter are working in the lab, with Walter hankering for some eggs: "I had a marvelous dream last night in which eggs played a prominent part," he says, which probably means he farted all night long too. Peter grumbles that they've only been working for three hours, and they've already taken two food breaks. "At this rate, I'll never get home," he gripes, like you'd think Peter would be used to this at this point. Walter's egg-dream-recollection-induced smile fades, and he starts petulantly saying that he likes the other boy, the one who plays chess and doesn't starve him. That would be Lincoln Lee. Peter rolls his eyes and explains, as Walter childishly scoots off to his chessboard, that Lincoln's in Hartford for his goddaughter's birthday, and Peter will be happy to play with Walter after they're finished their work. "Frankly, I don't think you'd be much of a challenge," sniffs Walter, and Peter stomps off all, "I got a challenge for ya" but says "Why don't we fix the machine?" instead of "It's in my pants."

The door opens and closes, and Walter doesn't look up from the chessboard. When Farnsworthbot says "Hello," he responds in kind and then realizes that Astrid is always willing to keep cramming food down his gullet, and he asks "Astro" if she'd like to share some delightful scrambled eggs? "It's Astrid," says Farnsworthbot. Walter's surprised to be corrected (I'm surprised that he's even aware that he would need to be corrected), and he turns around, and looks for a moment at Farnsworth, who's standing there, looking awkward and self-conscious. "You're not you, are you?" says Walter.

After the commercial break, Olivia's coming into the lab with our Astrid, who's talking about some guy who's never going to call her or some such boring nonsense. Olivia sees Farnsworthbot first and says hello, and then Astrid sees her and lets out a little scream. "I always wondered why nobody does that," says Olivia.

Since Astrid and Farnsworthbot aren't saying anything -- just standing there staring at each other -- Olivia finally asks what she's doing there. Farnsworthbot says she came here to meet her. The two of them adorably clasp each other's hands. "Olivia told me about you. But it's nice to met you personally in the flesh," says Astrid. "All personal meetings are in the flesh," says Farnsworthbot, who I may just start calling Astridperger's. Everyone smiles, as Astrid agrees that she supposes that yes, all personal meetings are in the flesh.

Farnsworthbot babbles about how she thought she would come here, because she "didn't know where to go after." Everyone looks confused while she talks about how her mother might have had traditions for "such occasions" but she doesn't know because she doesn't remember her mother, who died of cancer when Farnsworthbot was a girl. "Did yours as well?" she asks a discombobulated Astrid, who says yes. Farnsworthbot continues: "At first I thought I would walk in the park. But it was so cold. And I could not stop thinking about the words Reverend Stewart said. What a leader he was, a great man, a great friend. Reverend Stewart said he would be sorely missed." She continues to describe a funeral, getting quite sad, and how she didn't know where to go afterwards. "May I ask you a question? "Yours -- did you love him?" she asks Astrid. Tears have started to run down her cheeks.

Olivia quietly asks Astrid what's going on. In a room full of scientific brainiacs, no one has figured out the obvious. "I think my f-- I think her father is dead," says Astrid. Olivia's cellphone rings like JUST GO AHEAD AND INTERRUPT THIS EMOTIONAL SCENE, OLIVIA and while she goes to answer it, Walter seizes his chance to get people on board with chowing down on some eggs with chives. Peter scolds him over how this isn't the time, but Walter says nearly all cultures react to death with food. Never mind that, though, because Olivia's back to tell them they just caught a case. "And my double's on her way here to -- sort this out," she adds. Walter spits out, "Olivia! The viper?" earning a rebuke from Astrid. Olivia suggests that someone should wait here with Farnsworthbot, but Walter says there's no need, as he and Astrid will be fine. Our Astrid is a little irked that Walter gets her name right, and Walter ignores that. "Astrid and I can wait here alone, can't we, dear? I'm sure she'll be great company."

So the Fringe crew takes in the bus stop crime scene, where Broyles introduces them to Chet Williams, who was diagnosed with Stage One melanoma just six hours ago. From the lab, Walter chortles, "Stage one. That has a survival rate of ninety-five percent. And that's without introducing even one frog rectally to slow cell division." Astrid's all, "What?" because seriously, what? She decides against relaying that little bit of info to the rest of the team.

Peter looks at the by now darkened streaks running down Chet's cheeks and asks if that's a bad mascara day, and everyone as usual ignores him making an ass of himself. Olivia asks Walter if someone can actually cry blood. Walter says certain viruses can cause bleeding from the tear ducts, but only after most of the organs are liquefied. To that end, he tells Astrid to check Chet's crotch, and then condescendingly tells her not to be a prude when she balks. She does so, and the lack of bleeding from the urethra AAAAAAAAHHHH STOP IT STOP IT! Anyway, Walter has decided Chet's organs haven't liquefied.

Peter wants to know what else could have caused this, and Walter starts rambling about a legendary alchemical mixture called the "tears of Ra" that Egyptians used to euthanize pets so that they could be buried with their owners who predeceased them. "But it's just a myth," he says. He tells them to bring the body back to the lab, and to bring some vanilla ice cream too. And he signs off with "Kirk out!" much to his own amusement, although it doesn't do anything for Farnsworthbot. She's too busy processing Walter speaking through Astrid. "Your Astrid, you talk through her. As if you were one person," she says. Walter agrees with that assessment, as well as her conclusion that it must be pleasant. "Yes, I suppose it is," he says.

While the police and agents mop up the scene, we see the activity reflected in the windows of a nearby building, including a silhouette of an Observer. There's a little something off about it, though; it's not quite a reflection, not quite a shadow, not quite us seeing him through the glass. But then the silhouette appears to step through the glass and out into the street -- this would be entirely in keeping with Observers' preference to stay unnoticed, of course. It's a new one. Let's call him "March," until we hear otherwise, in accordance with the glyph from last week. He takes out his little compass-cellphone-doohickey. "I think we have located it," he says into.

Back to the lab, where -- oh, gross. Peter's bloodied fingers put the man's kidney on a scale, and we find out it weighs just over a quarter of a pound, which the Farnsworthbot immediately calculates (in her head) is seventeen per cent lighter than an average human kidney. Apart from a quick glance between Astrid and Peter, the Fringe team seems to be already used to her idiosyncrasies. Olivia's reading info on Williams: 38 years old, manufactures consumer goods overseas, single, no debt, no drug issues. "His friends say that he's a nice guy," she says, which Astrid translates into, "So nobody someone would want to kill." Olivia says, "Well, everybody has somebody who wants to kill them," which I'm sure is far from true. No one wants to kill me, I don't think. I also can't think of someone I'd like to kill. Apart maybe from whoever invented Kidz Bop and is a really odd thing and Peter half-smiles, half-looks concerned.

Meanwhile, Walter thinks he's found the culprit, and says it's "odd," and Peter says it always makes him nervous when he says that. Walter explains that it's an interaction of chemical compounds he's not seen before, and tells "Aspirin" that predictive science says the compounds shouldn't interact, but they do. Olivia says, "So what, you're saying that it's magic?" like I DON'T THINK THAT'S WHAT HE'S SAYING, Olivia. I think it's like one of those "bumblebees shouldn't be able to fly" kinda things. Walter says it's just unusual science, the way six different alcohols create a flavor identical to iced tea. Peter's all "Amen to that!" like any excuse for a party for Peter. Anyway, the point is that it works, but no one could have predicted it would work. "So you're saying that he was killed by a poison that no one invented," which, again, isn't really it... except it is. And Peter jumps in with "It should go without saying, but that's impossible," and Walter snaps, out of proportion with how annoying Peter is being, "I think we're aware of that."

Then Fauxlivia shows up, putting everyone in a great mood. Peter looks less than thrilled, and Walter calls her "Mata Hari" and asks if she's deceived and betrayed anyone yet today, what with it already being almost lunchtime. Even Olivia looks a little uncomfortable.

But since Farnworthbot wouldn't notice the chill that's descended on the room, she blurts out, "Deus ex machina!" which Walter translates as "the hand of god" which is a little plan English than "god out of the machine." Farnsworthbot babbles away that the creation of the toxin would have required the assumption that the compounds could intermingle, except that they don't, except when they're all mixed together, which is unpredictable. "You're saying that a person would have to see that the chemicals had already been combined in order to know how to combine them?" asks Peter, fulfilling his usual "let me break it down for the audience" role. Somehow she's managed to calculate the chances of that happening as less than one-tenth of one percent, and says there's a root of the equation that is outside their realm of causality, ergo "dues ex machina," the hand of god. Peter: "Are you trying to tell us that God taught our perp how to mix a mythical poison?" A giddy Walter "explains" (like any of this means anything) that it's the only thing that makes sense, which is hilarious. I mean, it's not like the landscape of scientific discovery is riddled with accidental inventions, but let's go with "godlike powers" as the ONLY THING THAT MAKES SENSE. I mean, it turns out to be true here, but come ON. Anyway, Walter wants the Farnsworthbot's help to identify the origin of the component compounds. "I think I love her," he tells the rest of the group.

Fauxlivia figures out that she's not going home any time soon. "Cold Chinese in the fridge?" she asks, like make yourself at home, why don't you. Peter sighs and says he'll check while Olivia keeps making awkward faces.

Elsewhere, someone is buying a bottle of gin in the middle of the afternoon and there is emphasis placed on the liquor store guy slipping it into a brown paper bag so we know we're dealing with a drunk here. She walks out of the store, alternating between looking hungrily at the paper bag and clutching it to her chest, but as she gets down the block, she pulls it out from the bag slightly, and then forces herself to dump it in the trash. She walks through some sort of street corridor to the next block, which is where Neil Chung catches up with her, telling her that she's putting up a good fight, but she's not going to win. She's too surprised to answer, and as Neil continues, telling her that she's going to take that drink and it's all downhill from there, she turns and starts walking away from him. "But you know the saddest part? The drinking doesn't kill you. Instead, it shatters the lives of everyone around you, everyone you love," he says. She's walking slowly, listening, and then she turns around as he says that first her boyfriend will be killed in a car crash with her behind the wheel, and her brother will lose his wife and daughter, alienating them in a futile attempt to save her. "No one can see the future," she says. Neil agrees with her, saying there's no future, no past. "Everything happens right now," he says, all up in her face by this point, and he holds some little device -- different from his other thing, but it's got a blue light that goes to red as it sprays some sort of mist in the woman's face, and we go to black immediately.

After the commercial break, Walter is angrily bringing a bag of Fauxlivia's stuff to her, the "junk you left behind in your haste to slink away," he says, and he dumps it all over the counter instead of just giving her the bag. She's delighted that he held onto her stuff all this time, and he's taken aback, and singles out a little metal cube that he says confounded him. He assumes that's one of her "tools of spycraft," like a "sinister" communication device or a "devious" encoder.

"Wow. I really go to you, didn't I, Walter?" she says, taking the thing from him. She asks a speechless Walter if he ever considered that maybe it's because he enjoyed having her around. "Admit it. You like me, Walter."

Too stunned to answer, Walter's rescued by Farnsworthbot, who tells him that Astrid's summoning him: "The Fringe team is at the scene," she says.

Astrid and Peter are in the little corridor where Neil sprayed the vacillating drunk, where the forensic tech is explaining that the way this woman died is among the weirdest things she's ever seen. "She bleeding from her eyes?" asks Peter, and tech asks how he knew that. "There seems to be a lot of that going around lately," he says. Walter tells "Asterix" to get a DNA sample, but before she can relay that to Peter, Peter's already getting one. Walter doesn't appear to like that one bit.

As Olivia strolls up, Peter's taking a sample from her nose and discovers that there's been some hemorrhaging of the nasal passage -- maybe she inhaled the poison. That out of the way, Astrid's all, "What were you saying?" to Walter, who says it doesn't matter. He's in the middle of telling her to ask Olivia to bring the body to the lab, when Peter asks her to do exactly that. Farnsworthbot, taking everything in, asks, "Does he always do all the jobs?" An extremely grumpy Walter doesn't answer but just shuts off the television.

Later, in the lab, Walter carries a tray of instruments over to where, to his chagrin, Peter is already examining the body. He gives the tray of scalpels to Peter, saying they can use some sharpening. "And you're sharing that with me why?" asks Peter, and Walter says, "I thought you'd sharpen them for me. You said you wanted to help." Peter says he meant with the autopsy, and Walter pointedly says the screws in the rib-spreader could also use some tightening. Peter puts on a tight smile and takes the scalpels and leaves.

Walter gets to work on the body, as Farnsworthbot comes over and says he's angry with his son. Barely paying attention to her, Walter says Peter isn't his son, and Farnsworthbot says she understands that in a different timeline, he is. "Or so he says," says Walter. Farnsworthbot flat-out asks if Walter feels love for Peter, since she has found that anger inevitably seems to be conjoined with emotional investment. Walter admits that Peter is a reminder of the son he had, and wish had lived, but he is not that son. And that makes you suffer? asks Farnsworthbot. Yes, says Walter. Now you know why humans cry, Farnsworthbot. She asks if it wouldn't be preferable to choose to believe that Peter is his son. And then Walter could love him and be happy. Walter seems to consider this but doesn't answer.

In the office, Olivia and Fauxlivia are trying to find some connection between the victims, taking a time-out so Fauxlivia can talk about how cute Peter is and how he's probably all contradictory and tricky like his dad, and Olivia passive-aggressives that she imagines he's just her type, and Fauxlivia says it actually turns out she likes the nice guys. Like Peter is some kind of gangster or something.

Anyway, back to work. Victims didn't live in the same neighborhood, didn't go to the same gym, no mutual friends. Olivia says there has to be a connection, otherwise they've got a killer on the loose and no lead to find him.

But we're gong to get a glimpse of that link right now: there's Neil Chung, a TSA agent at an airport, checking people's IDs and sending them through security. We see that his little blue glow stick is on his counter. When he holds an older woman's ID over it, nothing, but when a busy douchebag-type suit passes over his ID, the glow stick glows a brighter blue. After sending him through security, Neil jots down the man's name, Jared Colin, on a little notepad, and then gets back to work.

After the commercial break, we're still in Boston, because Jared Colin missed his flight. He's trying to explain this to some guy named Bill with whom he was apparently supposed to meet and work out some sort of deal, and who seems to think Jared's missing his flight was some kind of ruse. As Jared makes his way to his car in the parking garage -- we see a reflection of March in a car window observing what's going on -- he says he's hanging up the phone: "Call me back when you get a personality I can deal with." See? Douchebag!

Then he spots Neil Chung, who's standing there staring at him. "Can I help you?" he says, in that tone of voice that implies he doesn't actually want to help at all. "Making your next call will destroy your life," says Neil, who goes on to explain that Jared will be driving, and when a taxi cuts him off his reaction won't be quick enough because he'll only have one hand on the wheel. Jared says his life is none of this guy's business, but we know by now that Neil's about to get a lot more specific: the car will flip, shattering Jared's spinal cord, leaving him a paraplegic. Since he's got no family, he'll wind up in a group home run by a man who is "not kind," (Jared notes the glowing blue thing Neil puts back in his pocket) and no one mourns when Jared's body is discovered more than ten hours after he dies. Pulling his little toxic Binaca spray out of his other pocket, Neil says, "I'm going to spare you from all that misery. A painless exit from a living nightmare," but Jared blocks him with his briefcase and starts to run. Neil chases him -- we can March standing in the background watching everything -- but Jared is hit by a car that's going a little too fast for a parking garage. He bounces off the windshield and lies in a heap on the ground. Jesus, an Observer and a car? You'd think Neil would be a little more careful about making sure no one's around while he's killing people.

So Peter and Olivia are over at the Boston Medical Center because they've gotten wind of Jared Colin's attacker, who had some kind of atomizer. Puzzling Olivia, though, is that Jared reported never having seen the man before. I know it's not the case here, but she seems to be dismissing the common scenario of someone lying about who attacked them for fear of retribution (and in this case, Jared just doesn't remember having met Neil, but that's because he was too busy being a douchebag). Anyway, they meet with the doctor, who tells them Jared's spinal cord is severed right below T-1, so he's never going to walk again.

She takes them to meet Jared, head and neck immobilized, and he explains he wasn't supposed to be in town but in Dallas, selling his company to his "scumbag partner, who for six years has made [his] life a living hell." He was looking forward to a new beginning, but there was a water bottle in his carry-on, and by the time the "damn TSA" was done with him, he'd missed his flight. Damn, is that really how it is in the States? The last time I accidentally had liquid in a carryon bag, the agent just threw it out and I was on my way.

Olivia asks if there's anything else he can remember about the guy. "He had this weird rod. It was blue, and he'd look into it like he was some kind of fortune teller. He said I was gonna have a car accident, and I was gonna end up like this." Peter's all, so this guy predicted what was going to happen? Jared said this isn't exactly what happened, but exactly doesn't really matter. Olivia shows him pictures of the other two victims, but he doesn't recognize them. Then he starts moaning about how the guy said he wanted to put him out of his misery, like he was doing a good deed, like he's some kind of saint. Jared says he wishes the guy had killed him, and it sort of gets to the point where you're wishing this guy's mouth had been paralyzed too.

Astrid and the Farnsworthbot are working to try to connect the victims, but they're coming up with nothing, and at the same time they say, "Period. Goose egg. Zilch." They both find this delightful, but to be honest I found it kind of strange, given that it's exactly what the Observers do to demonstrate the way the exist across all times.

Anyway, Astrid offers the Farnsworthbot some coffee, and she's surprised, explaining how rare and expensive coffee is where she comes from. Then, flashing a broader smile than we've ever seen from the Farnsworthbot definitely and maybe even from Astrid, Farnsworthbot says she would like coffee. Astrid calls her "sweetie" but then turns around and makes a face about how weird her doppelgänger is.

Nearby, Fauxlivia is helping herself to Walter's licorice jar, and he gives her grief for it and won't share even after she asks permission. He grumbles about her breaking his concentration, and she sarcastically asks if he was solving world hunger or "perfecting the perfect" peanut butter sandwich, and it seems to me that the latter goal could probably take care of the former one. Walter snaps that he was "musing on our killer," and he says the "Tears of Ra"-style killing would be consistent with Olivia's report that the killer may be attempting to put his victims out of their misery. So they may be looking for a humanitarian or compassionate killer. Fauxlivia -- gesturing so much while she speaks that she may also be playing charades -- calls killing people to prevent them from suffering is an "extremely contorted view of compassion," so maybe in her universe the concept of euthanasia doesn't exist? Walter quietly says that, "Some suffering is worse than death," managing not to point out how much it hurts to see someone go after his licorice without permission. He does glare at Fauxlivia, though, so there's that.

Then there's a break in the case from the Farnsworthbot, who finds a connection. Whatever Logan International or the Transportation Security Administration are in the other universe, they have different names, as Farnsworthbot doesn't know what they are. But she does figure out, based on their voucher stamps, that all three were screened by the same security agent. Astrid confirms it, feeling a little bit strange about being shown up by her own self, but Farnsworthbot is just enjoying her coffee like it ain't no thang.

So it's off to Logan International to arrest TSA badge 0047, also known as Neil Chung. He sees them coming, though, and quietly walks away from his post while Olivia and Peter struggle to get through the crowd. They're stopping from getting into the boarding area anyway by another agent, who tells them they either have to have a boarding pass or supervised authorization. Seems kinda foolish that they didn't think to call ahead to maybe avoid this kind of problem. At any rate, Chung gets away.

After the commercial break, Peter and Olivia are now talking to a professor at MIT, because that's where Chung was previously employed. Peter asks the professor how an advanced mathematics professor winds up working for the TSA. "I suppose he loses his mind," says the professor, explaining that while everyone around there is driven, Chung put them all to shame: youngest tenure track professor ever, believed math was the key to unlocking the secrets of the universe. "I know how that sounds," says the professor, apologetically. "Not nearly as crazy as you might think," says Peter.

Anyway, Neil came back from his summer break at his lake house -- and given the scene from Reiden Lake in the "previously on Fringe" clips this week, you know where this is going -- and he was "changed." Neil found something, wouldn't say what it was, and became obsessed with high-level differential equations that no one could make heads or tails of. I wish that were the kind of problems we'd have at my work! Neil's theory was that if he could solve the equations, space and time could be flattened and be on a level plane: "You could in essence see past, present and future simultaneously," he says. That twigs for Peter, as the professor continues, explaining that solving the equations became more important than class, and eventually he just left and never came back.

Peter asks where the lake house was. Fortunately the professor has it right at his fingertips: Reiden Lake. A giant exclamation mark appears over Peter's head. Over Olivia's head, a question mark.

Outside, she reminds Peter that when he showed up in this timeline, it was at Reiden Lake. She asks him what's going on, and he explains that seeing past, present and future at the same time is what the Observers do, and how in his timeline, an Observer saved his life at Reiden Lake. (I'm ignoring their product-placed electric car plugged into the outlet or whatever you'd call it.) Olivia asks if he's suggesting that an Observer is behind this and is using Neil. Peter's not sure, but he thinks they should take a drive. Fortunately, They manage to not chat about how amazingly far they're going to be able to go on a single charge.

Back at the Harvard lab, Walter's got his eyes closed, he's plugging his nose and he's got headphones on. Farnsworthbot asks Astrid what he's doing, and Astrid explains that he's thinking. "You care for him," says Farnsworthbot, and Astrid has to admit that yeah, she does. And now it's time for another babblefest from the Farnsworthbot, who's worried that she couldn't give her father what he wanted because of the way she is. Astrid looks like her heart is breaking, like mine is. "That he secretly wished I could love him back in a way that he could understand." As the tears start to roll down her cheeks -- Jasika Nicole not wasting a rare showcase for herself -- she asks if Astrid thinks her father would have loved her more if she were more like Astrid, if she were normal. Astrid doesn't answer before the Farnsworthbot announces that she'd prefer her coffee with sugar. She goes to get some, while Astrid sits there, hoping Farnsworthbot cheers up again really soon.

Meanwhile, Peter and Olivia have arrived at Neil Chung's lakehouse. While Peter stares at the lake where, for all intents and purposes, he was born, and then goes to peer in the window, Olivia picks the lock, covering herself with a fake-innocent, "Who leaves their door unlocked when they're not home?"

They go inside, guns drawn, but the place is devoid of life. The walls are covered with equations, though, so they know they're in the right place. Peter, meanwhile, has found a wall with a framed newspaper story that reveals Neil was a twin. His brother and father were killed in a car accident. The wall is festooned with pictures of people like Jesus, Gandhi, Joan of Arc. "What's the connection? They're heroes?" he asks. Olivia's figured it out but instead of just saying so, she asks Peter what else they have in common, and then answers for him: "They're all saviors."

There's no sign of Neil, though, but a picture that Olivia got from the mantel may hold the answer: it's a picture of Neil with an older Asian woman. Great job! Now you know Neil has a mom!

And Neil is at his mom's house. There's a safe in which he's storing the glowing blue stick, and he pulls something out that's wrapped loosely in a cloth. It's a .45. He puts a clip in and jacks one into the chamber. Then, tucking the gun into his waistband behind his back, he strolls out into a living room where the older woman from the photo says, "Where are you going? I don't understand. What do you mean, you are here to say goodbye?"

When we get back from commercial, Neil's mom asks him again, and he says he already told her. "'Where I belong' is not an answer," she says. Ah, it's the battle hymn of the Tiger Mother! She asks if he got fired again, and he says that he wasn't fired from MIT; he left.

He's staring at her intently at this point, enough so that she finally says, "What?" and he tells her that he heard her the night Alex died. "You said God took the wrong one. 'Why did God take my angel?' you kept saying." Yeah, it's not a fun speech. He accuses her of resenting the fact he wasn't Alex, and he was afraid that he would never be good enough. It's no coincidence that this mirrors (no pun intended) the Farnsworthbot's worry that her father would have loved her more if she were like her own other-universe twin. But guess what! God had a plan. Oh, doesn't he always? Neil says that God let him live for a reason, and gave him a way to see the future. To prove it, he does the say-everything-the-other-person-says-at-the-same-time thing, and his mom's really starting to get freaked out. She apologizes and then, almost amusingly, says that he never should have heard what he did that night, which is not exactly the same thing as admitting she never should have said it.

But Neil says he's glad he did, because every time he saw the look of disapproval in her eyes, it only drove him to work harder. And that's why God took notice, he says. Mama Chung doesn't look particularly proud. Neil looks out the window, sees an electric car pull up, and starts talking about how Jesus knew that the Romans were coming for him, and could have avoided his death easily, but he didn't because -- just like Neil -- he had faith in God's plan. None of what Neil has to say seems to be of any comfort to his mom, who keeps on sitting on the couch like she's frozen, and then we hear Olivia pounding on the door and announcing that it's the FBI.

Neil's crouching in front of his mom when they burst in, and he's quietly asking if she remembers what the priest said at Alex's funeral: "He said angels don't belong on Earth," he says, standing up, hands up, gun in his right hand, back to Olivia.

She orders him to turn around, slowly. "I'll see you in heaven," he tells his mom, before turning and firing at Olivia. He shoots wide, shattering a window, and Olivia drops him with a shot, with Mama Chung screaming and crying. This is why you can't have nice things!

Later, as Neil's body is rolled out on a stretcher, Peter asks Olivia how she's holding up, and Olivia says he wasn't trying to hit her, but he knew they were coming and he wanted her to shoot him. Peter says "I guess it makes sense" -- it's always so cute when someone says that on this show -- since the guy could see the past, present and future. So why not shoot himself, Peter wonders. For a genius, Peter is an idiot. Olivia's the one who figures it out: "Because he was religious. If he committed suicide, he wouldn't be allowed into heaven." That doesn't make sense to Peter: "What about all the people he killed?" he asks. Yeah, when have people EVER been killed in the name of religion? That never happens! Olivia says Neil thought he was saving them, that this was his way to becoming an angel. Peter shakes his head at this heretofore-unknown idea that someone with strong religious beliefs could kill someone. Naturally, it's at this moment of Peter seeming like a simpleton that Olivia chooses to tell him that it's taken her some getting used to, but as long as he's here, he makes a good partner. Peter thanks her and wisely doesn't ask when they're going to get around to the ol' rumpy-bumpy.

Over at the lab, the Farnsworthbot is stiffly telling Walter that they're leaving. She holds out her hand to shake, and Walter embraces her. It's a hug that she doesn't so much as return but endure, but neither does she look particularly repulsed.

And then Fauxlivia swings on in, telling Walter that she wants to show him her "ingenious piece of spy tech," the little metal box that was in her belongings. She pops open a lid to reveal what looks like mints. You're telling me Walter couldn't figure out how to open this thing? Pleeeeease. She says they're "bobbins" and I have no idea if that's a real candy or not. I've never heard of them before. Walter tries one, and loves it, saying they're like wintergreen only smokier. And because Walter can easily be won over by food, particularly candy, he offers her some licorice for the road, much to her delight. "You may possess positive qualities that I previously overlooked," he admits, somewhat begrudgingly. Fauxlivia asks if he's flirting with her, and Walter's all "in your dreams" (flirtatiously).

Meanwhile, Astrid's bidding farewell to the Farnsworthbot, saying it was amazing to meet her. Farnsworthbot nods and says yes, and then Astrid starts talking about how she and her father aren't very close either. As the Farnsworthbot stares at her, Astrid talks about how her dad is complex, and she knows he loves her, even though it doesn't really seem that why. "You shouldn't regret that you couldn't be more for him. It wasn't you," she concludes. The Farnsworthbot looks like she feels immeasurably better after hearing that. "Thank you, Agent Farnsworth," she says. "You're welcome, Agent Farnsworth," says Astrid. They shake hands -- Astrid not so foolish as to force the poor woman into two hugs in the span of a couple of minutes.

Then we immediately head home with Astrid, where we meet her dad and realize she was lying to the Farnsworthbot. Her dad is there, a jolly man who's thrilled to see his "baby girl." He's cooking supper for her, wearing a classic funny-dad apron ("Shiitake happens," it says, and I immediately want one) and he wraps her up in a big hug when he hears she's had a lousy day and they tell each other, "I love you." So basically if my relationship with my daughter is anywhere NEAR this good when she's Astrid's age, I'll be the happiest man on Earth. Good god, I'm misting up. They KILLED a daughter last week and that didn't get to me at all!

Back over to Neil's house, where his mom is ... still sitting in the living room? She wants to keep hanging out in the room where her son was shot to death in front of her? I'm starting to assume that the actress has real-life mobility issues. At any rate, she's moved from the couch to a chair, and she appears to be asleep. Which is good, because the two Observers strolling through the house would really freak her out.

They go to the bedroom, to the safe, which one of them opens by merely putting his finger on the keypad. His finger glows, and the safe opens. I gotta get me one of those! He pulls out the glow stick. It's March, the new guy. "Here it is," he says, handing it over to the other Observer, December. "You're right. It's September's." I know these guys show barely any emotion, but it still feels that the way December said, "It's September's" had a little bit of disgusted annoyance, the way you'd talk about a co-worker whose screw-ups always create extra work for you. March says he must have lost it in 1985, the night he didn't save the boy. Hmmm. As in he tried to but didn't? Also interesting: March says September will be interested to know what happened to it. Given that when we last saw September, he seemed to be dying of a gunshot wound, that seems significant.

December turns to go, but March isn't done: "It appears that September did not obey your instructions. The boy is back. Peter Bishop has returned." December stares, impossible to read. Yeah, but you guys see all scenarios throughout all time, right, so didn't you know that? Well, it's not the first time I've been confused. You know what? If Fringe isn't going to survive, maybe we could try a spinoff? How about Farnsworth and Farnsworth?

Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. He would watch the shit out of Farnsworth and Farnsworth. Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel[at]gmail.com.

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