The anger that came from our fight at the Key Club turned into anger towards "The Ambers." This was around the time when Ailea started going off the deep end. We had a conversation at one point where she was expressing that she didn't want to end up like her mom. She was really worried because her mom was an alcoholic and she didn't want to end up like that. This was around the time that Ailea started drinking more and started acting crazy. The night of the Key Club, I don't even remember seeing her flip out until we were outside of the club. There was no one out there to fight and she started going crazy. She was fighting the air and looked like she was going to attack a ghost. I was really worried about her at that point. She started flipping out in the limo and was kicking everything in it. She was losing it. I felt bad for her and I wanted to approach her and get her to recognize her self-destructive behavior but imagine if I (her enemy) approached her and told her I was concerned that she was going crazy. She would not have accepted it! So I decided to just let her be and hope that one of her "friends" would recognize her self-destructive behavior.
I was sitting on the balcony of the "crazy house" and Tiffany came outside to reach out to me. She was upset to hear about all of the sh*t-talking and wanted to know if I said those things. I was trying to explain to her that I didn't say them but I also didn't want to throw Amber B. under the bus. Although I never said, "Amber B. said those things," I did imply it by denying I said them. It was a difficult situation to be in and Tiffany promised it was to stay between the two of us. When we went in the bedroom and she told Amber B. that I had thrown her under the bus, it really did damage to my relationship with Tiffany. She broke my trust and it hurt me to see it.
I love Amber and I think she is a great person (a far better one now than when she came into the house). She does, however, have her faults, just like we all do. It really sucks to watch this episode because all the things the girls were yelling about are things I never said about the girls. I wasn't sure if Ashley was making them up but I knew I did not say them.
I hadn't felt like I was talking sh*t on the girls. I made a conscious decision with Ashley to not say anything about the girls that would get me in trouble because I didn't trust her. I informed her about all the girls in the house but I said nice things. It was difficult at moments, but after much concentration I even found nice things to say about Ailea and Whitney. The other girls I didn't have anything negative to say about because I really liked them a lot. I did tell her that they were probably jealous of her because I really thought they were. I was just speaking the truth. I didn't want her to choose sides because I thought the division was stupid.
Don't get me wrong: I had my moments where I talked about Ailea and Whitney, but at some point you need to get stuff like that off your chest. Did I really need to go to Ailea's face and tell her how annoying she was? I hadn't wanted to hurt her feelings so I kept it to myself. My reflection now is that I was saying some pretty hurtful stuff about Ailea and I do feel somewhat bad. But on the other hand, I am also watching all the things she did and said about me behind my back and it's hard for me to feel sympathetic for her.
I do find it very disturbing to hear Sarah twisting Amber's experience in college to Tiffany and Ashley to make it sound like she was racist. I had really liked Sarah and if we had become closer, I would've told her anything. I hate it when you confide in a girl and the next moment she gets mad at you and spills all your secrets.
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