You should know that I loathe embarrassing clips from years past. The Dynasty hair, the super short shorts, the shoulder pads. Excruciating. I NEVER watch old reruns. When stars go on Leno and have old clips dragged out from commercials they did back in the day, I cringe for them. It's enough to keep me away from Leno altogether. Come to think of it, that's why I never do Leno. I don't want old clips dragged out. Not because I've never been invited. It's the old clips.

Anyway, the scenes that make you howl with delight horrify me. You have every reason to howl with delight. They are deliciously dreadful. But for me, they are just dreadful. Stories about such dreadful fare are a different matter. I have no problem telling you all about just how wretched a certain movie or show was.

To that end -- a rogue's gallery of career lowlights:

#1 worst ever? Beneath the Bermuda Triangle. Truly God-awful. Inspired, it is so bad. The original title was Time Under Fire, which I changed to Time Under Funded. A risible concoction of submarine movie combined with mutants and monsters it was the kind of thing Second City TV used to parody. With puppets. Made for no money, we actors (can you spot Bryan Cranston? Sorry, Bryan) got paid almost nothing, and the story was so preposterous and shot so badly that we all had no choice but to laugh at Le Cinema du Fromage in which we were trapped, fearing that we might never work again if anyone ever saw it, but sure that no one ever would.

And no one did. Until the freakin' internet made it impossible to hide from any past embarrassment. There was a time when an actor could take work to save his mortgage or insurance, fully aware of how side-splittingly horrible the movie was, safe in the knowledge that it would sell 19 copies at the video store and that was the end of it. Those days are gone. Nothing goes away.

#2 worst ever? Yup, The Landlady. A knock-off of MISERY, it had a $23.00 budget, paid nothing, and was shot almost entirely at night. As some of you may recall, I spent a good portion of that movie tied to a bed. That is not necessarily how one wants to be remembered in one's dotage. I do not look forward to the day when my daughter and her pointy-headed little friends get a hold of that footage.

So, I'm tied to a bed for several nights, as poor Talia Shire endeavored mightily to make heads or tails of the lead character which was borrowed from another, much better movie. She committed herself fully, bless her heart (as Gov. Palin might say), but there are times when gravity just makes flight impossible. This turkey was wingless; earth-bound.

My favorite memory is Talia coming around the corner in her wedding dress, her intention being to marry me against my will. (Why am I suddenly put in mind of Gov. Palin again?) I'm tied to the bed, ostensibly horrified at the dastardly deed she has in store for me, when I suddenly wake up. In the middle of the take. I had fallen asleep at what was supposed to be the most dramatic moment in the movie. What's worse is that it happened a second time. Neither time do I think anyone knew. That's how bad this movie was. I was mortified into narcolepsy and no one even knew.

One other nightmarish memory from The Landlady: the caterer. The food was slop, which is not surprising on a low budget movie but the topper was the night the caterer's husband was helping out. He was cutting cake, putting it on people's plates, wiping the knife clean with his fingers, then putting them in his mouth. And then repeating. If you're reading this blog by any chance, dude... you're a pig.

#3: Special Unit 2: "The Drag." Here's something I hate about guest starring on a TV show. There are many things to choose from but here's a big one. You almost never get to read the entire script. I had read sides (a scene or two) in which I was playing a balloon-riding billionaire. Not until I had the job did I know he was a cross-dresser. Now, there are certain things one minds and certain things one doesn't mind doing in public. I never had a problem playing bi-sexual Steven on Dynasty. I was never cut out for being a spokesperson for all those who were heavily invested in the character, but I never had a problem playing it. Well, almost never. Anyway... Cross-dressing I cannot stand. Don't get the English obsession with it. Don't enjoy drag shows. Just don't get it. (Though I enjoy Some Like It Hot and The Birdcage, so go figure.)

Having to get dressed in drag and be photographed in semi-compromising positions for a TV show was not a highlight in my life. But, I chose the circus, so...

Sometimes the absurdity of my job makes me shake my head. I'll talk to my sister, the doctor, back in Boston and listen to her tell me about a mutant strain of whooping cough going around an immigrant community in Cambridge and how they are trying to figure out why it's resistant to certain antibiotics and I think of being tied to the bed falling asleep during a take or pretending to get sucked into a black hole or dodging imaginary fireballs, and I think to myself, what the hell have I done with my life? And then I'll take my sister to dinner and we get the best table in the restaurant because they recognize me. If they only knew...

Next time: Pretending to be sucked into a black hole. And... whatever, who knows? All structure is breaking down.New MapQuest Local shows what's happening at your destination. Dining, Movies, Events, News & more.

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