Look, I'm just going to be honest about this. I watched one episode of Raising Sextuplets, and while this show is supposed to be the non-soul-crushing alternative to Jon & Kate Plus Hate, it just isn't. First of all, having that many children is way, way too hard. It's just too hard! That premise will always be stressful to watch, no matter how functional the family is. The Table for 12 family is the most normal, loving family in the history of television, and it still raises my blood pressure to watch them simply try to prepare breakfast in the morning.

The Philanthropist takes its second step towards death tonight with a brand new episode, because it's summer and this is the quality of show we have to put up with during this time of year. For some reason. This week insufferable international playboy Teddy will be saving the good people of Myanmar, which is more widely known as Burma. Oh no! Burma is a war zone! Rambo told me in that movie where people threw babies in bonfires. So he'll probably get shot at, and maybe someone will try to throw him in a fire like he's a baby or something, but either way I'm totally not watching it. Lone upside, though: Jesse L. Martin is in this episode! I know some people were concerned about his special guest star billing in the credits, but the episode synopsis promises that he's not disappearing just yet. Which is great for the episode, but Jesse L. really deserves a better job, don't you think?

From the creators who brought you The Real Housewives franchise (and not surprisingly, also know a thing or two about addictive reality TV shows), we have the second episode of NYC Prep that I'm actually looking forward to watching. This is a show that gives insight into the world of plaid skirts, pretentious bow headbands, exclusive parties and pearls -- or you know, high school.

Mark-Paul Gosselaar may have cut his hair, but that doesn't change the fact that this show is still boring as all get-out. Seriously. There's absolutely nothing wrong with this show. It is a perfectly fine series about a group of lawyers. There's a fine group of actors involved with the project. Its just dull. Like a watered-down version of Law & Order (without the order part). Oh, Steven Bochco, I miss your days of showing Dennis Franz's ass all the time or having people fall down elevator shafts. Can you do more of that? Please?

Hey, fellas, looking for a classier, weekly version of Deuce Bigelow: Male Gigolo? A de facto sequel to Boogie Nights? A Punisher TV series that lives up to the suggestive nature of its name? Well, you're in luck, because Hung premieres on HBO tonight, and it stars the Punisher as a male prostitute with a huge schlong. You're welcome.

BBC America debuts Doctor Who: The Next Doctor, aka The Christmas Special, this weekend. As with most of the recent holiday specials, this one sounds awesome. I've been itching to find out what is going to happen with the Doctor now that Donna's lost her memories, Rose is back in alternate land with her own little Doctor clone and Martha's off dealing with Law & Order or whatever. So the Doctor is all lonely, but apparently he's keeping busy.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Travel back in time with the Doctor to London circa 1851 on Doctor Who (BBCA, 9 PM), where he meets a man who, if you can believe it, goes by the name... "The Doctor." The Doctor believes the other Doctor, or "the next Doctor," to be a "future regeneration." Be very, very confused.

Even lawyers with hallucinations who may be modern-day prophets experience the awkward morning after. Tune into Eli Stone (ABC, 10 PM) and watch the awkward sexual tension between Maggie and Eli in court after sleeping together. Let's not grimace too much.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

There are a lot of people that need to be recognized in this three-hour-long awards ceremony. Check out BET Awards '09 (BET, 8 PM) to find out the nominees and winners in the music, sports and entertainment fields, and not just because Jamie Foxx is hosting the event.

Apparently you can turn anything into a TV show. In the new series Hung (HBO, 10 PM), a middle-aged, underpaid high school teacher and basketball coach whose wife and children left him after a fire is left with nothing but his well-hung assets (I don't think that needs more explaining). He uses his family jewels to turn his fortunes around. Racy, no?

Mary once again does her duty to protect anyone in the Federal Witness Relocation Program. But when visitation rights are at stake and a boy goes missing, will Mary be able to pull things together in the latest episode of In Plain Sight (USA 10 PM)? She's our very own modern-day heroine!

Monday, June 29, 2009

Because the show is going on hiatus, TLC felt it was necessary to reinforce just how tragic Jon and Kate's divorce is by reminding us of their happy years. Watch the first 10 years on Jon & Kate Plus 8 (TLC, 9 PM) and see where it all went wrong. TLC, this is all your own doing!

Because Biggest Loser and So You Think You Can Dance? are popular reality shows, it's about time someone combined them. Tune in to the series premiere of Dance Your Ass Off (Oxygen, 10 PM) and watch the contestants shake and rattle those rolls.

You could say Tiffany Pollard has done it all, from trimming goats' nails to hunting ghosts. Check out the season finale of New York Goes to Work (VH1, 10 PM) to find out the next horrifyingly menial task America will want her to do next. Sadistic much?

Things haven't been too great for former pot dealer Nancy Botwin. Now that she's preggos, there's only so much more mischief she can get into. Judging from tonight's episode title of Weeds (Showtime, 10 PM) Super Lucky Happy, maybe her luck will change. Or maybe it's just ironic.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

With the economy the way it is, you may need an expert when it comes to selling your house. Enter Lisa Lynch. In the series premiere of Stager Invasion (TLC, 8 PM), Lisa dresses up homes to appeal to buyers. Or you can save your $1,000 and just add some pretty curtains and fluffy pillows.

Auditions continue on America's Got Talent (NBC 9 PM). Sometimes it hurts to see people fail miserably. Let's hope we can find another Susan Boyle. But it's America, so maybe not.

Maybe the six-member cast will live up to their Gossip Girl counterpart potential in tonight's episode of NYC Prep (Bravo, 9 PM). Taylor has to choose between two boys, and PC insults both Kelli and Jessie. That's no way to get girls, PC. Well, unless you're Chuck Bass.

After a drama-filled dinner with Paris' friends and family in last week's episode, find out what's in store in tonight's episode of Paris Hilton's My New BFF (MTV, 10 PM). Kudos to the contestants for lasting this long.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

In tonight's Wipeout (ABC 8 PM), the contestants are faced with an obstacle course, containing spiked fenders, spinning triangles and a drop bridge. It sounds needlessly vicious.

Watch the designers create loungewear in tonight's episode of The Fashion Show (Bravo, 10 PM). And not related to fashion designing at all, they'll also pay a visit to a Tarot card reader to learn their future. Hmm, will it foreshadow the time they have left on the show?

Teddy seeks advice from an unlikely source -- a Burmese democratic leader under house arrest -- and meets a girl in need of a kidney transplant in tonight's drama-filled episode of The Philanthropist (NBC 10 PM).

Thursday, July 2, 2009

The little self-centered bi-yatch from Samantha's pre-amnesia days comes out in Samantha Who? (ABC 8 PM) as she tries to sabotage Todd's competition for a job at a local newspaper. I understand you're in love with him, but stop meddling!

On this week's So You Think You Can Dance? (FOX, 9 PM), things get heated as two of the top 14 dancers are eliminated.

If you want to avoid the awkward sex talk with your kids, just have them watch 16 and Pregnant (MTV, 10 PM). The thought of teen pregnancy just might scare them into abstinence. In tonight's episode, a couple had plans to join the Air Force after graduation, but a baby may change all that. Babies ruin everything!

Friday, July 3, 2009

After returning from hiatus, a hot-dog-eating champion tries his hand at winning $1 million in Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? (FOX, 8 PM). What a horrible-yet-entertaining way to lose face...

Battlestar Galactica creator Ron Moore is back with a new show set in outer space. But it's not related at all to the BSG world -- instead, it's centered on the crew of a long-range space mission on their way to deep space to find intelligent life. They also have every move filmed for a reality show that is being broadcast back on Earth. And, just to make everything even more complicated, they also have virtual-reality headbands that they wear in order to escape the monotony of the boring day-to-day life of being trapped on a tiny ship for ten years. Oh, and Earth, totally screwed by global weather crises.

I am a sucker for medical dramas the way that some people will watch every crime-scene show or law show that is out there. Medical series are my weakness. Even bad ones I tend to give a second look, even when they don't really deserve it. However, this Hamptons-set series is actually surprisingly decent and continues to keep me entertained, even after the first episode. I know it is predictable and whatever, but for me, it is a fun summer series, with a lead who I find charming and appealing and a cast that works well together. Some people really like Psych, and I think this has a similar vibe, but it's medical cases instead of mysteries. Just what I needed! How did USA know? There's something about this cast together that just works... and maybe while I sit in my small rain-soaked yard with a kiddie pool and no personal gardener, it is nice to be taken away to the rich lush world of the Hamptons and see a character who just walks to the beat of his own drummer. I'm not saying that it is the best show on TV, but it's leaps and bounds better than Hawthorne.

The trashiest of all trashy reality shows--the one that started it all--has a new place for its participants to call home: Cancun, Mexico. It's the ideal location for cringe-worthy hook-ups, 24-7 inebriation, belligerent fistfights, and just all around blatant moral indecency. I'm talking about The Real World: Cancun, and frankly, I couldn't possibly imagine a more suitable, more appropriate setting to kick-off the 22nd season.