Today's theme -- random/embarrassing/otherwise notable guest shots.  Cage vs. Caruso: whose bicuspids can destroy more scenery?  Find out after the jump.

Everyone jokes about how you can find a Law & Order airing in every timeslot on the clock -- but is it really possible to watch nothing but crime-based programming for 12 hours straight?  Let's find out!

"But what I heard was, 'Chopper, sic kid.'"  More basic-cable cursing after the jump.

Cannibalism, public nudity, and Howie Mandel -- if our daily picks can't keep you on that post-Thanksgiving diet, nothing can.  Click for more sick...

Late-blooming picks for tonight as we roll back from vacation, after the jump.

I don't understand why people still go to the malls on Black Friday -- it's called "Black Friday." Just stay home, shop online, and watch some TV.  Televisual turkey sandwiches after the jump.

For those of you not slumped in an airport lounge reading this on your Blackberries: Kelly Taylor, Nick Brendon, and bad food puns, after the jump.

We're cruising toward the holiday, and we've got Snoopy, Brad Womack, Marie Osmond, and a few other tasty cheese balls, as well as one of the greatest Friends episodes ever. Read on.

Brad's big night, and Pamie's, after the jump.

Poodles, foodies, and the American Music Awards, after the jump.

Saturday night TV is notoriously uninspiring, but we're here to get you through it. After the jump: Brian Williams again, Steven Weber again, and another opportunity not to watch Debra Messing.

 ...Shatner?!  I hardly even know 'er! 

Funnier jokes than that one, many of them at the expense of pay cable, after the jump.

Tennis, medieval Picard, Tyra gives you The Talk, and the Tom Cruise, Call Your Agent Film Fest -- it's a veritable cornucrapia in today's TV picks.

You know you can't resist -- click!

A little Depp, a little Gunn, a little seltzer down your pants.

That doesn't sound right. What we're saying is that hookups, home amputation, and the distant promise of a poisoning all play a role in today's picks. Read on for more.

Today, we've got double Bateman coverage, dirty songs, and Jim Gaffigan. And if you really want to watch Sandra Lee throw a beer bash...actually, we're going to try to talk you out of it.

This cornball is only one of the uncomfortable offerings for Monday, which include a sweet/bittersweet flood of new episodes of good scripted shows, as well as a Jon Stewart special.

Read on for all of Monday's picks...

For Sunday, we have a whole day of Tim Gunn, an evening with Phil Keoghan, and a salute to soaps. And hey, are you ready for some football? Read the full entry for more...

For Saturday, we've got movies, the first major Christmas special (we think), and...unsurprisingly little else. There is officially nothing on television on Saturday nights. Keep going for the specifics.

Open Bird, Insert Forearm: Emeril Lagasse visits Good Morning America with "tips on turkey-stuffing."  The tip that's always worked for me: absenting myself from the room the minute my mom is done seasoning the stuffing itself, and pretending not to understand English until the turkey is safely dressed and in the oven. (7 AM, ABC)

 

The Funny Parts Are Probably All In The Trailer: Fred Claus stars Vince "Strikebreaker" Vaughn and Paul Giamatti on Regis & Kelly. (9 AM, ABC)

 

Morning Movie: I had an ovulation joke all ready to go since Prince Of Tides is on at 9 AM on Oxygen, but scratch that: if you can only watch one movie this morning, make it Cleopatra (HBO Signature, 7 AM), starring Timothy Dalton as Julius Caesar and Billy Zane as Marc Antony.  I don't care if you don't have the HBO extended package -- didn't you hear me?  BILLY ZANE AS MARC ANTONY!  Get the extended package, foo'!  …Oh, you want to watch a movie that's just good, not so bad it's good?  Godfather II is on A&E (10 AM).

 

Seams Like Old Times: Come with us now to the thrilling hates of yesteryear -- it's a Season-1 Project Runway-thon on Bravo, starting at 11 AM.

 

Bratpackistan: Visit the post-apocalyptic Communist States of America (via the '80s) -- Red Dawn airs at 3:30 PM on AMC.

 

Every Witch Way: Series finale/premiere alert!  The very last Charmed episode airs at 4 PM on TNT -- followed by the very first at 5 PM.  Prue the day!

 

Primetime Showdown -- Sports v. Ghosts: In the sports corner, Rocky II on your local MyTV station, Friday Night Lights (9 PM, NBC), Friday Night Smackdown (8 PM, The CW), and UFC Fight Night (9 PM, Spike).  Tagging in for the paranormal, you've got the undead block on CBS (Ghost Whisperer at 8 PM, Moonlight at 9), The Wizard Of Oz on TNT and TBS (8 PM; don't forget to cue up the Floyd), and Lisa Williams: Life Among The Dead (9 PM, Lifetime).

 

Degrassi: …What?  Shut up!  It's on The N at 8 PM, and you can quit acting like I'm the only one who knew that any time now.

 

Midnight Movies -- "Titles That Are Also Imperatives" Edition: Analyze This at 11:15 PM (HBO Signature), Be Cool at 11:30 (VH1), and Blow at midnight (Bravo).  Also, Mallrats is on Starz Comedy at 12:20 AM, and it's not a verb, but it is imperative (geddit?) that you watch it.

It's Not Easy: If you've really, really, really, really, really enjoyed Green Week at NBC and all its subsidiaries, you'll especially love the fact that 30 Rock is poking it in the eye with a satirical episode starring Al Gore. God, that show is amazing. (NBC, 8:30 PM)

Do Not Watch This: The Nanny (Lifetime, 8:30 AM); "Maxwell tries to distract Fran from their relationship by asking her to redecorate the kitchen. Sheila: Roseanne."

Roundup: Cheers (TVLand, 8:00 AM) features the first-ever appearance of Frasier Crane; Ugly Betty presents Posh Spice (ABC, 8:00 PM); Lana goes after Lex on Smallville (CW, 8:00 PM); the CSI crossover concludes on Without A Trace (CBS, 10:00 PM); the Discovery Channel has a new MythBusters (10:00 PM).

Morning Movie: We absolutely love Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead, and if you've got HBOZ, it's on at 8:30 AM.

If It's Not Deepak, It's Crap: We understand that contrast is the whole point of the Iconoclasts series, but we still think pairing Mike Myers and Deepak Chopra is funny. (Sundance, 10:00 PM)

Bateman!: The Hallmark Channel is in the middle of the Jason Bateman run of Little House On The Prairie, and this one features him acting alongside Peter "A Christmas Story" Billingsley, playing a stutterer. Awesome. (Hallmark, 10:00 AM)

Pilot Alert!: ABC Family has the very first Gilmore Girls ever, wherein Rory gets into school and Lorelai strikes a deal with her parents. (ABC Family, 11:00 AM)

Only Seven?: Tyra Banks has "Seven Ways To Keep Your Lover," including her consultations with a "love panel." We cannot wait.

Grizzly Bad-ams: Ryan is taking everybody into the woods on The Office, and we're thinking...Blair Witch Project. (NBC, 9:00 PM)

You Betcha: The title of tonight's Survivor is "High School Friend Contest." That would sound more appealing if it didn't sound like part of a sarcastic variation on "I'm just keeping it real." (CBS, 8:00 PM)

For Insomniacs Only: Remember, there's always Sunset Tan. (E!, 2:00 AM)

Mountain Climber 4-EVA!: Drew Carey is doing a surprisingly decent job with The Price Is Right, which frequently graces the big TV in the TWoP bullpen. His girlish giggle when an audience member goes bazoo tickles us in just the right way, and he's finally given voice to our bafflement about why they give away a sofa and include a supply of denture adhesive. (CBS, 11:00 AM)

Justice Alert: Judge Judy is allegedly handling a "bitten-off finger" in one of today's cases. Expected dialogue: "I know plenty of people who have had several fingers bitten off, and they get jobs and do not go on disability, madam!" (Local)

"Talent" Being Subjective: Kid Nation features a talent show, and we're thinking Taylor looks like the type to belt out "A Moment Like This," just like we think it goes in pageants. We have to agree with the hilarious Aziz Ansari (of Human Giant), recently observed by a chunk of the TWoP staff at a show where he proclaimed that he watches this show every week thinking, "I wonder if somebody drinks bleach this week. I hope it's Taylor!" (CBS, 8:00 PM)

Will There Be Fiddling?: The Country Music Association is giving out some awards. With...maybe Carrie Underwood? We don't know. We only know music from sad, romantic montages. Is The Fray considered "country"? (ABC, 8:00 PM)

Get The Popcorn: If you like Uma, you'll be glad to know that the Kill Bill movies are running one after the other on IFC, with Kill Bill: Vol. 1 at 9:00 PM and Kill Bill: Vol. 2 at 11:00 PM. If you're more of a romantic, old reliable Before Sunrise hits HBOS at 3:30 PM.

Do Not Watch This: Full House, (FAM, 12:00 PM); "Stephanie readies for her first teen make-out party; guest Barry Williams."

Miscellany: Rachael Ray discusses the hazards of "germs on purses" (local); Seinfeld gets into his "puffy shirt" (TBS, 5:00 PM); Mulder and Scully chase that incredibly creepy-ass sewer worm in "The Host' (Sci-Fi, 5:00 PM).

Already bereft after a night without Stewart and Colbert?  We're here to help!

11 PM: A CSI double bill begins on Spike, with CSI: NY kicking things off followed by Famous Original at midnight; if you can't do the crime, do the time (...travel!) instead with a Torchwood/Dr. Who twin bill on BBC America.

11:30 PM: Catch up on the home reno with two eps of This Old House on the DIY Channel.

Midnight: A veritable plethora of programming, both low- and highbrow -- the COPS block on Court TV, This Is Spinal Tap on VH1, and for you lucky extended-package Skinemax subscribers, Stevie on MOMAXe.  I'd recommend that last one; Stevie is a documentary from the director of Hoop Dreams, and its about his efforts to reconnect with a troubled boy he mentored years before.  Heavy stuff, but it's a great flick.