2 PM: Law & Order on TNT (and it's a gooder -- one of those cross-pollination eps where the defendant, Courtney B. Vance in this case, ends up with the good guys in a later L&O incarnation); Crossing Jordan on A&E (the pilot ep, no less); NYC-area folks can enjoy a Criminal Intent rerun on Channel 55; and Matlock on the Hallmark Channel.

3 PM: The crime-ucopia continues.  Another mid-nineties L&O classic, the co-ed call-girl ep featuring Cara Buono, is on TNT; Criminal Intent is on USA, plus another Crossing Jordan on A&E; Discovery Times has New Detectives.

4 PM: Criminal Intent on USA (Eames goes undercover to bust...Clare from 90210?  Or something?); two back-to-back episodes of Arrest & Trial on Court TV (it's produced by Dick Wolf, so it's the next best thing to an L&O); and American Justice is on A&E, but it's evidently an episode about a draft-dodger, which, snoozeville.

5 PM: A universally acknowledged programming wasteland, but USA spots us yet another Criminal Intent, this one a thinly-disguised riff on Bobby Fischer with Robert Carradine as the former prodigy; Forensic Files on Court TV, and God bless the narrator of that show, because the man comes dressed to play for every episode ("but to investigators, the scene reeked -- OF MUR-THER"...I can't do justice to his kooky pronuncations, you'll have to watch for yourself); Sleuth enters the hunt with a Profiler episode; and American Justice has a marginally more interesting topic at 5 -- Mob lawyers.

6 PM: L&O: Famous Original on TNT; Criminal Intent on USA; World's Wildest Police Videos on Court TV; CSI enters the fray on Spike (the scuba-diver-in-a-tree episode); Cold Case Files on A&E; and Homicide: Life on the Street on Sleuth.

7 PM: I'm sure you will be shocked to learn that there is a Criminal Intent episode on USA.  Could they not get the rights to any movies?  Meanwhile, COPS goes to Nashville and Virginia Beach (Court TV), CSI investigates murdered twins (Spike), Horatio Caine whips his sunglasses on and off six kabillion times while solving a shark-attack mystery on CSI: Miami (A&E), and the Mount Everest of mustaches rocks the short-shorts on Magnum PI (Sleuth).

8 PM: "You've proved your point, Sars."  Silence, imp!  I will complete my mission!  SVU rerun on USA!  Roger Daltrey on CSI (Spike)!  Murder In A College Town on Lifetime Movie Network, starring Kate Jackson and a bunch of no-names!  And in case watching English-language programming on the SAP setting isn't doing it for you, Fugitivos de la Ley on Azteca!  I forget how to say "awesome" in Spanish because high school was a very very long time ago, so let's go with "maravilloso"!  (Please tell me that's actually una palabra!)  Moving on!

9 PM: CSI is a rerun on CBS (but if your DVR bombed the go-kart ep, enjoy). That SVU they're always rerunning, the one starring Ludacris, is on USA, and I will probably watch it again because I love that dude.  The History Channel is running an ep of Gangland, COPS visits Texas and Miami on G4, and Go is on @Max at 9:15.  ...What, it's about a drug deal!

10 PM: The espadrilles you've all been waiting for -- Miami Vice is on Sleuth.  Meanwhile, on ABC, there's a new episode of Big Shots, and while the show is not about crime, the show's continued survival is a crime.  And if we're doing the metaphorical thing, check out E!'s Celebrity Plastic Surgery: The Good, The Bags, And The Ugly, because someone really needs to get locked up for Redford's eyelift.  There's also, after a full day of rerunnage, a brand-new Criminal Intent on USA, which based on the promos I've seen is a treatment of the Duke-lacrosse-team case, and a new ep of American Gangster on BET.  And finally, Raising Arizona is on Country Music Television.  ...What, they kidnap a baby!

11 PM: More Criminal Intent, this time on My 9, and Dallas SWAT on A&E, plus Kill Bill: Vol. 2 on IFC and The Dukes Of Hazzard on HBO Signature.  ...What, they're bootleggers!  (Aren't they?)

Midnight: SVU on USA, New Detectives on Discovery Times, and...that seems to be it, people.  Hmm.  Well, you could watch that Ramones doc on VH1 Classic; the Ramones obviously did drugs, shoplifted, and advocated beating on the brat with a baseball bat.  All crimes; there you go.  ...Oh, here we are: Shawshank is on WMax.

1 AM: Homestretch.  There is literally nothing on that I haven't mentioned umpteen times already, except The Departed on HBO and Walker, Texas Ranger on Hallmark. 

Experiment over!