Nothing Beats Cheese For Breakfast: Or so the Oxygen Network apparently believes, as it's airing St. Elmo's Fire at 8 AM.  I would mock Andrew McCarthy's meaning-of-life editorial, but Mr. Jonathan Bernstein did it better than I ever could, and you should buy his book.

When It Comes To Televised Sports That Soothe A Hangover: I find golf is indicated for that beer headache -- must be all that whispering -- but fishing is nice too.  If you kicked it late last night, the Bassmasters Memorial coverage on ESPN2 is just the thing for those pounding temples.  (10 AM)

Yay!: It's classic 90210 on SoapNet this morning, with a double shot of episodes from the "Dylan tries to choose between Brenda and Kelly, neither of whom should give a tinker's damn about his bony ass" era.  (10 and 11 AM)

I Don't Know About "Modern": But it's marvelous, all right -- I'm talking about candy, and History Channel's Modern Marvels is focusing on it with trips to the great candy epicenters of the U.S.: Hershey, See's, a segment on saltwater taffy, and more. (noon)

Sometimes I Think We Might Have Too Many Channels: Because there's a show called Skeleton Stories, and the summary for the episode entitled "Drastic Measures" contains the words "decomposing," "stuffed," and "putrefying."  So obviously it's airing at lunchtime.  Jeez.  (Discovery Health, 1 PM)

Bring It On With Drums: I had some of you at "Bring," probably, but just in case, Drumline is on TNT at 2 PM.

Those Welch's Grape Juice Kids Better Not Make The List: They were creepy, no?  Anyway, VH1 kicks off a five-part 100 Greatest Kid Stars special at 3 PM; if you're tuning in for Bonaduce, you've probably got a couple hours.

No, It's Not A Crossover Event With The Previous Entry: E! continues to klass up the joint with 20 Most Horrifying Hollywood Murders.  ...I make mean remarks, but I will totally watch that shit if I'm home.  (4 PM)

I Know How Much Y'all Love Rachael Ray: I kid, I kid.  Need more fuel for the hate flames?  Chefography's profiling her at 5 PM.  (Food Network)

And Today's Episode-Title Understatement Award Goes To: Those scamps at E!, which I am fixing to rename "Hee!", for the dryly put True Hollywood Story: Britney Spears: Fall From Grace.  Now here's my question -- how do they think they're going to fit that mess into 60 minutes?  Because the TWoP bullpen can spend an entire morning just on her driving.  (6 PM)

I Still Haven't Forgiven Dawson For Owning An E.T. Doll: But the movie itself is pretty sweet.  (ABC Family, 7 PM)

And Tonight's Film-Fest Theme Is...Whiplash: Lots of great cinema, lots of shite -- Quiz Show (Showtime Family, 7 PM), The Bourne Supremacy (TBS, 8 PM), Patch Adams (Encore Drama, 8 PM), Beetlejuice (Bravo, 8 PM), the Werner Herzog doc Grizzly Man (Animal Planet, 8 PM), Another 9 1/2 Weeks (Showtime Women, 9 PM), Hitchcock's famous 10-minute-takes experiment Rope (Sundance, 10 PM), Lethal Weapon 4 (HBO, 10 PM), Dick Tracy (SHOXe, 10 PM), This Is Spinal Tap (VH1 Classic, 11 PM), a Swayze double bill of Red Dawn (AMC, midnight) and Road House (Spike, 12:30 AM), History Of The World Part 1 (FMC, 2 AM), and The Wild Bunch (AMAXe, 2:40 AM).