I Want That: If you have a teenager and would like to feel like an excellent parent, I highly recommend watching two hours of My Super Sweet 16, which will convince you that, relatively speaking, you have raised an incredibly well-adjusted child, unless your child believes that he/she is entitled to several cars and a pony and possibly plastic surgery for his/her birthday. (MTV, 10 AM)

Just For Joe R: If you don't care for two hours of angry teenagers, how about three hours of crazy bitches? A little marathon of The Bad Girls Club might be right up your alley. (Oxygen, 10 AM)

Starring Alice, In Drag: Of all the corny-ass Brady Bunch episodes, it's hard to find one that's any more out-and-out ridiculous than the one where Greg makes a student film about Thanksgiving in the backyard. Enjoy it today. (TV Land, 11 AM)

Insert "Dawg" Joke Here: With American Idol about to start, it's the perfect time for a one-hour Biography of Randy Jackson. If, that is, there is a perfect time for a one-hour Biography of Randy Jackson. (Biography, 3 PM)

And Taking Time Off From His Career In Public Service...: If you've been gearing up for Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, you might want to complete your studies with Terminator 3: Rise Of The Machines. What's not to like about Nick Stahl? Wait, don't answer that. (FX, 5:30 PM)

Do Not Watch This: I watched the premiere last week of Dance War: Bruno Vs. Carrie Ann. I do these things for you, because I am dedicated. And I want to tell you, it is not good. Even by the standards of this dark time in viewing, even by the standards of January, and even by the standards of IT IS BRUNO AND CARRIE ANN, it is not good. (ABC, 8 PM)

Wentworthians, Rejoice!: It's a new Prison Break, and don't quote me on this, but I bet Michael will be called upon to get himself out of some sort of scrape. Kneel before my psychic powers! (FOX, 8 PM)

God Bless You, NBC: At least the blurbs are still entertaining, including this one for tonight's new American Gladiators: "A mother of twins and a shark fisherman battle against the gladiators." (NBC, 8 PM)

No Belly Button, No Peace: My understanding is that there are people who watch Kyle XY, and although I suspect those people already know there is a new episode tonight, I am here to tell you that there is a new episode of Kyle XY tonight. (ABC Family, 8 PM)

Today's Watch-It-For-The-Title: Killer Ants. (Discovery, 8 PM)

Terminator 4: Rise Of The Hour-Long Scripts: One of the more anticipated midseason shows, Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, replays its pilot tonight as "Sarah tries to acquire new fake identities for herself and John." I wonder if the title of the show is going to be out of date really, really soon. (FOX, 9 PM)

Traction: If you enjoyed Nikki Blonsky in Hairspray, you'll probably be kind of bummed to know that her next project is Queen Sized, a Lifetime movie in which she plays a fat girl nominated for homecoming queen as a joke, which is a story that I think goes back to, like, old episodes of Mr. Belvedere, so thanks for finding a great place for her talent, Hollywood. (Lifetime, 9 PM)