Football! (Or, The Reason The Amazing Race Keeps Getting Preempted): The wild card round of the playoffs concludes today with the New York Giants taking on Tampa Bay at 1 PM (FOX) and Tennessee at San Diego at 4:30 PM (CBS).

Tales Of Doomed Engagements: Isn't it hard to buy Julia Roberts and Kiefer Sutherland as prospective spouses today? Yet back in the day, there was Flatliners. (SpikeTV, 1:30 PM)

Woody Allen: Light and Dark: See Scoop for the dashing Hugh Jackman and the mellifluous tones of Ian McShane. (HBO Signature, 3:30 PM) See Melinda and Melinda for pretty much everything but the Will Ferrell parts. Of which there are a lot. (IFC, 5:30 PM)

Can You Still Double Down In "Whitejack"?: You've seen it before, but see Ocean's Eleven again. That Matt Damon/Bernie Mac fake racist scene is every bit the gem you remember. (TNT, 5:30 PM)

Guilty Pleasure Alert: Empire Records was one of my favorite crappy '90s teen movies from back when I was a crappy '90s teen. But if you can't enjoy it on its merits, watch it and enjoy yelling at the TV about how much Liv Tyler sucks in it. (Fuse, 7 PM)

Prime Time Picks: The Amazing Race is back with another all-but-guaranteed-to-be-non-elimination episode. (CBS, 8:30 PM) American Gladiators bowleggedly struts back into the national consciousness. (NBC, 9 PM) A new Desperate Housewives (we do hope those of you rooting for the tornado to kill the children rather than the cat get your wish) is followed by the series premiere of Cashmere Mafia. (ABC, 9 PM)

"If I Was You, I'd Diversify My Portfolio": This and other stripper wisdom can be found in the Comedy Central premiere of Chris Rock: Never Scared. It's no Bigger and Blacker, but it'll do. (Comedy Central, 9 PM)

Now I Know How Everybody Felt About Nigella: The Food Network has kind of lost its luster as of late, what with Rachel Ray being goddamn everywhere these days and Paula Deen riding that southern charm shtick awful hard lately. But if anyone's going to win us back, it'll be the lovely Jamie Oliver. Tonight, he's on Iron Chef America facing off with Mario "Courtney Love? Really?" Batali, followed by a sneak preview of his new show, Jamie At Home. Siiiiiigh, if only.  (Food Network, 10 PM)