The Elephant In The Room: It's Idol day around the dial, which is now sort of like Oscar day, in that not only does the actual event come upon you in the evening, but there's secondary programming all day. In this case, that includes a profile of Simon Cowell on Biography (3 PM);all-day programming on the TV Guide channel; and "American Idol: Girls Rule" on E! THS (3 PM). I'm sure there's more, but I'm tired already, and it hasn't even started.

I Wonder If The You-Know-What Also Had A Disappointing Finish: In what I always thought was a fairly skilled example of joining 'em on account of being unable to beat 'em, Dharma And Greg actually did an episode about the Seinfeld finale. More specifically, Dharma bets her friend that she and Greg can do it in public while the thing is airing, and everyone will be so distracted that no one will care. I'm not sure whether the awesome Susan Sullivan is in this one very much, but you can hope. (WE, 11:30 AM)

First, We Kill A Tuna: I will never stop being amused, every single day, by reading the titles of the day's episodes of How It's Made. Today: "Lacrosse Sticks, Frozen Fish Products, Flashlights, Paintbrushes." (Discovery, 12:30 PM)

'Nuff Said: I assume I can tell you that I'm a little distressed by the title Pregnancy For Dummies, and that I don't have to provide a lot more explanation about why that is. (Discovery Health, 1 PM)

Who Wants To Be A Malpractice Attorney?: Today on Runway Moms: "A 39-year-old expects her first child, but has kidney stones." That must have been a rude surprise! (Discovery Health, 3 PM)

She Gets No Kicks From Champagne: Speaking of Seinfeld (as we were earlier), today is the day Elaine's employees see her dance. (TBS, 5 PM)

I Am Baffled: Wait, somebody made Phenomenon II? Like, based on Phenomenon? Where John Travolta moves people's sunglasses with his mind? When did this happen? How did I miss it? What's left to say after...the way the first one ended? You win, movie about supernatural events! I am stumped. (Lifetime Movie Network, 6:05 PM)

Whatever We Add Is Superfluous: It's back, it's here, it's not leaving for a long time, and to be honest, it's going to dominate the landscape EVEN MORE THAN USUAL. American Idol comes back tonight, with two hours of Philadelphia auditions. (Fox, 8 PM)

Couldn't Happen To A More Deserving Guy: My favorite thing about the Idol return is that ABC is throwing a new episode of According To Jim into its gaping maw. (ABC, 9 PM)

And Furthermore: Other Idol cannon fodder: a new The Biggest Loser (NBC, 8 PM); Part 2 of Comanche Moon (CBS, 9 PM); a new One Tree Hill (CW, 9 PM). In its classy way, E! goes straight to porn, with a two-hour E! THS about Jenna Jameson (E!, 8 PM).

Ooh, Baby Baby, Ooh Baby Baby: Discovery Health (which is apparently the Basic Cable Channel Of The Day) continues its quest to become The Multiple Babies Channel with Quints: The First Year at 8 PM and Quint-Essential at 9 PM, not to mention Raising 16 Children at 10 PM.

Get The Boot! Get The Boot!: Two new episodes of Parking Wars, a surprisingly engaging new A&E series, show you just how much people don't like it when their cars are towed, like they're expected to follow laws and signs and things, which is so stupid!  Stupid car people! Stupid impound lot! What do you mean I have to have my license to get my car back? Booooo! (A&E, 10 PM/10:30 PM)

*Sniffle*: Also in basic-cable reality, Animal Precinct brings you the following episode: "An agent discovers two starving St. Bernard dogs kept in a dark basement. Also: a cat with a shattered leg." So...if you're in the mood to sob uncontrollably when Idol is over, this should help things along. (Animal Planet, 10 PM)