Minnie Driver's Dark Times: If you nurse a longstanding crush on Ben Affleck or Matt Damon or both, enjoy the E! True Hollywood Story about both. Two hours! Of starlet-dating good times! (E!, 9 AM)

Remington Steele And Beyond: Somehow, despite her long career and award history, Doris Roberts strikes me as an extremely unlikely Biography subject, but if you are a Doris Roberts completist, perhaps this is just what you're looking for? (Biography, 3 PM)

Almanzo Alert: In the ongoing Little House On The Prairie series of updates designed to show that I have not aged a day -- no, not a day! -- I point out that Almanzo arrives today. (Hallmark, 3 PM)

Not Really "Nothing": I didn't even remember that Seinfeld ever had two-part episodes, but today at 5:00 and 5:30, you can catch both halves of "The Bottle Deposit," more commonly known in my experience as "the one with JFK's golf clubs." (TBS, 5 PM)

One For Me: Note to self: Duke-Temple is on tonight at 7 PM. I know, I know -- we said we wouldn't care about college basketball anymore, because it only ends in heartbreak. But we're just going to wind up caring, and yelling at the TV, and being a bad sportsmanships (tm Judd), and perhaps we should just embrace the Duke-Temple game and stop pretending that we're going to spend that time reading. (ESPN, 7 PM)

SQUEEE!: Yeah, not really. I must have missed this news, but BBC America is showing the second season of Dancing With The Stars. Not the British one; the one with Lisa Rinna and Kenny Mayne and Drew Lachey and so forth. I have absolutely no idea how this fits with the mission of BBC America, but I expect to find this surprisingly tempting when there's less and less on. (BBC America, 8 PM)

"I'm Wiry": Even with the swear words taken out, I know my sister would agree with me in recommending the weirdly endearing The Replacements, in which Keanu Reeves was just about as un-annoying as he has ever been, and that "Show Us Your Can" guy is really pretty funny. Look, you may not like football, but you like sexy cheerleaders who are actually pole-dancers, right? Right? Sure you do. (TNT, 8 PM)

An Impossible Choice: Wing and I have discussed -- stealing the question from a discussion Wing had with her sister -- whether it would be worse to be yelled at by Tim Gunn or Jo Frost, and while we generally conclude that having Tim Gunn mad at us would be so bad that it would ultimately win, we also agree that being yelled at by Jo Frost would be very, very disheartening. Watch Jo work her magic on a brand-new Supernanny. (ABC, 9 PM)

Is It Like Sweet Valley High?: Since today is I'm An Old Lady Day, I'll just tell you that I don't watch Gossip Girl, but at least they're showing a new episode tonight, and it seems to involve a pregnancy test. Whee! (CW, 9 PM)

A More Ratings-Friendly Level, That Is: On a new Cashmere Mafia, "Kate and Alicia take their relationship to a new level." Because they're both girls, you see. Thus, you will tune in. ABC is sure you will. (ABC, 10 PM)

Scarier Than Supernanny: A new Project Runway will, we hope, brighten the evening. Theme: prom dresses. OH MAH GOD. (Bravo, 10 PM)

I Can't Believe Somebody Already Took "Sisto Inferno": On a new Law & Order, there is an explosion! Look, it's a classic show. In the first half, the crime will be partially solved. In the second half, the partiality of the solution will be revealed and the rest of the solving will occur. You know. And you watch it, just like we do. (NBC, 10 PM)

Pilot Alert: Do you get Ion? Do I get Ion? I'm not even sure. But if you do, and if I do, the pilot episode of Who's The Boss? comes to your living room, complete with the widely respected dramatic stylings of one Anthony Danza, immortalized more perfectly in that Friends episode where Phoebe sings the song to him than in anything he ever did himself. (Ion, 10 PM)