And Then I Slapped Someone: I think ninety minutes doesn't sound like nearly enough to cover the history of The View, but the E! True Hollywood Story seems to think they can do it. I anticipate at least twenty minutes about Filarskelbeck and her adventures arguing with various other panelists. Whee! (E!, 9:30 AM)

Not The Movie It Thinks: One of my least favorite movies ever is The Mirror Has Two Faces, in which we supposedly learn that nobody should have overlooked frumpy Barbra Streisand, but in which we actually learn that the only reason not to overlook frumpy Barbra Streisand is that she might turn into "beautiful" Barbra Streisand, who wears a lot more makeup and has long fake fingernails. It's really kind of upsetting. (TMC, 9:45)

Hey Paula, Your Show Is Horrible: I can't imagine what possessed Bravo to run a Hey Paula-thon (okay, I can, but...yuck), nor can I imagine what could possess you to watch it, but it's such a bizarre choice of programming given its miserable failure and absolute suckitude that I feel like I have to point it out. (Bravo, 10:30 AM)

History's Heroic Drunks: Carrie falls down a well and is rescued by a wino, today on Little House On The Surprisingly Dangerous Prairie. (Hallmark, 11 AM)

You Can't See That On YouTube: There's something about the title Web Junk 40: Best Of The New that just..."Web Junk"? That sounds kind of unsavory. (VH1, 11:30 AM)

You Look Delicious: A little something for after lunch -- take a look at Donner Party, a special that replaces basic cable's constant upbeat "you are what you eat" message with something a little different. (Discovery, 1 PM)

The History Of Horse Teeth: Amanda Peet stars in a classic Law & Order in which she's kidnapped and winds up participating in robberies. Well, "forced." It's a pretty good one. (TNT, 2 PM)

Hey! What Do You Know?: Call the newspapers -- it's an actual American Movie Classic on American Movie Classics. Specifically, Close Encounters Of The Third Kind. Dreyfuss is one of those guys where you either like him or you hate him, but you have to admire the audacity of making a big thing out of a guy's need to fantasize about mashed potatoes. (AMC, 2 PM)

And In This Case...A Puppy!: Deal Or No Deal tries to hang on to its audience by bringing in Ellen DeGeneres to hold a briefcase. (NBC, 8 PM)

[Loud Wailing Noise]: Another two hours of American Idol auditions, this time from Dallas. You do not need me to tell you this. (Fox, 8 PM)

Birth Control TV: On a new Supernanny, Jo helps a family with five children between four and nine, about which I would just like to say AIIIEEEEEEE! (ABC, 9 PM)

Sweater Set: Tonight on Cashmere Mafia, the cutting-edge topic of gossip blogs is finally addressed. It's about time someone said something about the internet, not to mention about gossip. You go, girls! (ABC, 10 PM)

Say...What Did Happen To Andrae?: Project Runway is new, and with a lot of the crazies gone, things are getting serious. Can Chris continue to stretch out his second chance? Will Kit ever go from stealth awesome to regular awesome, or is she destined to be the overlooked Uli? (Bravo, 10 PM)

Put Another Jackhole On The Barbie, Mate!: Evidence that The Real World is still on the air continues to trickle in, this time in the form of a reunion show called Escape From Oz: The Real World Sydney Reunion. (MTV, 10 PM)

Beautiful Men In Turtlenecks: The good news is that Patrick Dempsey is adorable in this Will & Grace rerun, in which Will tries to help Jack win the aforementioned Dempsey with Cyrano-ish tactics. The bad news is that Jeremy Piven is also in it. (Lifetime, 11:30 PM)

Flamebait: The always-quotable Katherine Heigl shows up on The Late Show With David Letterman to promote 27 Dresses, which I saw this weekend and have to tell you is really very charming, no matter what a lot of chick-flick-hating critics may tell you. (CBS, 11:35 PM)