I have a love-hate relationship with Millionaire Matchmaker (Bravo, 4 PM). On the one hand, I think the premise of the show is really gross, but I am also fascinated by the supreme levels of both wealth and dorkiness that the Millionaire's Club clients display. I have a similarly ambivalent opinion of MC owner/central character Patti Stanger, in that I vacillate between thinking she's a loony yenta and loving that she's so blunt and unapologetic and vulgar. Perhaps this handy marathon sesh will get me sorted.

Speaking of money-grubbing dickheads, VH1 tackles a topic both timely and socially relevant with its Celebrity Prenups (VH1, 10:30 PM) special. Ahem, Mimi Carey. I'm talkin' to you!

Mystery! Suspense! Math? Meh, why the hell not? I've crushed on Rob Morrow since his Northern Exposure days and he can talk me into pretty much anything, even sitting through an episode of Numb3rs (CBS, 10 PM). See what they did there with the three? Clever!

Have you ever wondered what those little blue specks on your Cool Ranch Doritos are made from? Or what they put in Cheez Whiz that makes it so delicious? Of course you have, or else you wouldn't be at home by yourself on a Friday night pondering what's on television. Rip into that package of Ho-Ho's and tune into Modern Marvels: Snackfood Tech (The History Channel 12 AM) and educate that fat ass of yours.

If there's one person with even wittier things to say about pop-culture non-events than me, it's Joel McHale, whom incidentally I have a total heart-on for. Which is why I encourage you to watch this week's installment of The Soup (E!, 10 PM)

If you haven't already gotten hip to the greatness of the sci-fi epic Battlestar Galactica (Sci Fi, 10 PM), you need to rectify that situation -- NOW. Friendly tip from you to me: Nerds = very now.