Oops, she did it again. She played with Ted's heart. Got lost in the game. Oh, baby, baby. Britney Spears makes her return to the small screen in tonight's How I Met You Mother, and she's all flirty with Barney in order to get back at Ted. Cute and Southern Britney is fine, but she's way more interesting when she's shaving her head or wielding a baseball bat. (CBS, 8:30 PM)

If you don't want to watch Britney, you can watch some dopey British guy pick between two desperate women on The Bachelor finale (yup, that show is still on.) Some bitches named Chelsea and Shayne vie for the final rose, but it is really hard to muster anything remotely related to enthusiasm at this point. (ABC, 10 PM)

If they had to kill an American Idol, did they really have to make it Ace Young? I guess his career is already dead, so this is an improvement, but really couldn't they have made it like Archuleta or Constantine? Instead Bones offs the one time Idol contestant and a fangirl starts stalking Booth. Can't say that we blame her. Angel (not me, the vampire one) is so sexy in a suit. (FOX, 8 PM)

OMG! Serena killed someone and Gossip Girl just took fucked up to a whole new level. Never thought I'd be thanking God for the revelation that is Michelle Trachtenberg. Her bitchtastic performance totally makes up for the time when she was a whiny Dawn and I wanted to smack her for a whole season. (CW, 8 PM)

Before the Olympics come and everyone gets all touchy about the use of steroids, indulge in American Gladiators a show where the don't care about such trivial things. Instead enormously muscled and sweaty people beat the hell out of each other with paddles and such. Good times. (NBC, 8 PM)

It's the Samantha Who? finale and Guess What? She puts Todd on the back burner, again, because of like her moral issue with the fact that's he's still dating Chloe. Whatever. Can we get her back together with hot Timothy Olyphant instead? (ABC, 9:30 PM)

Mike Rowe gets up close and personal with his poultry as a turkey inseminator on Dirty Jobs. Huh. Do they use a turkey baster to get turkeys pregnant or do they use something smaller like a cornish game hen baster? Either way, I'm sure it is utterly disgusting. (9 PM, DISC)