Let's take a trip down memory lane, shall we? To a simpler time. To a time of innocence. A time of wholesomeness and purity. A time before Kundalini yoga, Anglo-philia and Botox rendered our beloved Madge sinewy and self-righteous and bland. Revel in her awesomely bad sartorial statements and baby fat. Feast on the bittersweet nostalgia that is Desperately Seeking Susan (E Love, 3:15 PM). There were no African adoptions or Britney kisses . . . . there was only The Groove.

When Dancing With the Stars (ABC, 8 PM) contestant Christian de la Fuente sustained an injury on last week's show, the news got more ink than the Pope's visit to America. So I feel I owe it to myself and my future children to tune in this week and find out his fate. And maybe also to learn who the fuck he is.

The delicate balance of good and evil in the Gossip Girl (CW, 8 PM) universe continues to be threatened by the recent arrival of naughty Georgina Sparks, who we wager is getting ready to unveil a Serena sex-tape. This is just our theory. Meanwhile, Nate slums it with his brand new Boho ho, Vanessa. Aw, it's a modern-day Cinderella story you guys!

Sure, the premise of How I Met Your Mother (CBS, 8:30) purports to tell the story of how Ted finds his one true love. So this week there's some blah blah regarding his new relationship with the hot dermatologist. But everyone knows you watch to guffaw at Barney's blatant misogyny and Marshall's bumbling goofiness. Or at least I do. And that's what's important to remember.

You know that odd rush you get from watching people get humiliated or injured or otherwise metaphorically castrated? Like when you watch, say, Hell's Kitchen or something? Intervention (A&E, 8 PM)does not provide that sort of rush. But it does make you grateful that you are comparatively not-fucked-up, while simultaneously ensuring that you will never, ever consider using meth recreationally. Now that's what I call good television.

The Hills (MTV, 10 PM) are alive with the sound of bitch-fights! The Audrina-Lo showdown gathers momentum, and a familial pissing match between Spencer and She-Pratt comes to a head. And in her smartest move to date, Heidi peaces out to Vegas, where all fugly plastic hacks go to die. She'll fit right in!