It's bettin' time on America's Next Top Model (The CW, 8 PM). The Trannie, the Albino, the Clit-less Wonder and Fat-Ass remain. For this week's loser, my money's on old Thunder Thighs, whom Paulina seems to have had it in for since Day One. Also on this episode, Noted Fashion Photographer (of my loins) Nigel Barker dresses the girls up as old-time screen sirens, and presumably Tyra spouts more pricelessly bat-shit quotables.

If I ever found myself by some cruel twist of fate having to choose one retarded game show to watch on a constant loop for all eternity -- and the likelihood that this could happen is very real, people - I probably wouldn't pick The Price Is Right Million Dollar Spectacular (CBS, 8 PM). [FYI: It'd probably be Finders Keepers.] But on the spectrum of shows that make me want to gouge my eyes out with meat hooks, it rates far less soul-sucking than My Dad's Better Than Your Dad. Which is saying something, I guess.

I'm still recovering from adorable Kiwi Mark's summary dismissal on last week's Top Chef (Bravo, 10 PM), but because I care about you, I'm soldiering on. (What is it about New Zealand and its exceedingly shaggable populace?) Personally, I'm stoked that four out of the six finalists are ladies, because if you ask me it's time somebody with a 'gina wins TC. But at this point I'll settle for anyone who isn't assface Andrew.

Full disclosure: I have never seen Tristram Shandy: A Cock and Bull Story (IFC, 9 pm). But I want to. And so should you. Why? Because the trailer for it made it look like a kooky, silly romp rife with British humor. And because, despite a wrong-headed fling with Courtney Love, Steve Coogan is still the tits.

The Real World (MTV, 10 PM) is now entering its 9,873,088,900th season, and like a fine wine aged in an oak barrel, it will totally make you hurl with excess consumption. This week, the kids try to stage an intervention to help confessed booze-hound Joey handle his scandal. What would really help is if he just admitted he was gay and laid off the steroids. Meanwhile stripper and former meth-head Brianna goes back to Philly to face charges stemming from a brawl with her ex-bf. Seriously, where do they find these people? It's like watching Cops: Life Inside Ikea.