I confess that I am a total sucker for shows about 'real' monsters (see also: Loch Ness, Chupacabra and Stink Ape). Which is why I will be dorking out mayjah and watching Legend Hungers -- Bigfoot (Travel, Saturday 4 PM). And subsequently sleeping with the lights on for approximately the next month. Because that, you see, is how I roll.

Maybe you've been living under a rock and haven't heard the goss that Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson broke up again. Newsflash: They broke up. Again. You are officially up to speed now. But if you want to see the film that started it all, check out the (not entirely terrible) You, Me and Dupree (HBO2, Saturday 4:30 PM). Perhaps if you're really perceptive you'll be able to detect the early signs that their relationship was destined for failure. Then again, maybe not.

The Secret Life Of . . . series is by turns educational, fascinating and mind-numblingly dull. This installment, The Secret Live of Hot Dogs (Food Network, Saturday 6:30 PM), instantly evokes really really really yucky images. So I'd advise digesting your food before you tune in. Unless you're into barfing. Which we know is some peoples' thing.

Obviously Saturday Night Live (NBC, Saturday 11:30 PM) this week is gonna rule because Steve Carrell is hosting and everything he does is pure genius. PURE. GENIUS. Usher is the musical host. Unless he's got Li'l Jon in tow, meh to that. Nice abs though.

Two. Effing. Hours. Chrrrrrist. Well, it is the season finale of Desperate Housewives (ABC, Sunday 9 PM), but honestly? I really don't know how I'm going to be able to handle the show's usual level of drama and intrigue for a full 120 minutes. There will likely be Xanax involved.

It's no secret that Keeping Up With the Kardashians (E!, Sunday 10 PM) is like crack to me. Crack! Get it? HAHAHA! Butt joke number 13,781. But I digress. In this week's scintillating installment, the girls travel to New Orleans so that Kim can visit her Saints baller Reggie Bush. When they get there, they learn all about that big horrible thunderstorm that happened like three years ago. You know the one. Like, Carolina or something? Yeah. Priceless.