If any upcoming American Gladiators (NBC, 8 PM) contestants are reading this, I implore you -- do not attempt the hand-bike! Just fall into the water! Why is it that every drunk I've ever met in a bar realizes this and the AG contestants don't?

The Bachelorette (ABC, 8 PM) hasn't been cancelled yet, if you need a way to feel better about your loveless marriage.

My thing about Greek (ABC Family, 8 PM) is that its promos look pretty dirty and include a lot of drunkenness, and yet it's on the network that cut "Boo, you whore" from Mean Girls down to just "Boo." Watch Greek tonight and let me know if I'm wrong about all of this.

The following contains absolutely zero sarcasm or irony: Master of Dance (TLC, 8 PM), a dance competition in which Joey Lawrence, as TLC so aptly puts it, "tests contestants' moves by changing the song mid-performance to see if they can really go with the flow," premieres tonight. You hear that, contestants? You better really be able to go with the flow. Don't phone that shit in and think it's going to fly. There's a new dance sheriff in town, and his name is Joey Lawrence.

I'm including this because it reminded me of that awesome book From the Mixed Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler, where two kids live in a museum because they hate their stupid parents. A knocked-up and broke Natalie Portman hides out in a Wal-Mart in Where the Heart Is (ABC Family, 9 PM) tonight, where she also makes friends with a slutty and fabulous Stockard Channing. I know, she stole my dream life, too. We'll get through it together.

Yes! It's week two of the The Mole (ABC, 10 PM) and I only miss Anderson Cooper a teensy bit! Also, I don't know about you guys, but I feel like that cheerleader is seriously suspect. Happy spying!