Some people might think naming an episode "A Mother Burned Alive By Her Husband" (Oprah (ABC, 4 PM)) lacks a little tact, but I disagree. In other news, pick up my romance novel, My Face Got Ripped Off By Some Chainsaws, in stores soon.

Ferocious African Crocodiles (Animal Planet, 7 PM) is on again, in case you missed it the first time around.

On tonight's premiere of ABC Family's The Secret Life of the American Teenager (8PM, ABC Family), a high school girl will learn that losing her virginity was "definitely not like you see in the movies." And you know what? She's really right, virgin TWoP readers.

The Girls Next Door will go head to head with those crazies from Dog the Bounty Hunter on Celebrity Family Feud (CBS, 8 PM) tonight. Dog's family may be street-smart, but Hef's Bridget has post-graduate degrees! Go bunnies!

I don't know why Whoopi Goldberg is guest-starring on Hell's Kitchen (Fox, 9 PM) and I don't care why. I just love it.

Gay marriage ban-lifter Tila Tequila will settle for one of the men and women vying for showmance with her on the season finale of A Shot at Love (MTV, 10 PM) tonight. Maybe now that her reality show is over she can turn her attention towards another legislative triumph. Maybe she could make firecrackers legal. That would be nice.