Today's Criss Angel: Mindfreak marathon is a perfect opportunity to try and pinpoint exactly what about this guy is so amazing. Get back to me on that, will ya?

I had this idea for a porn series based on the books of Dr. Seuss. Tonight on Challenge (Food Network, 7 PM) , contestants will be making cakes inspired by the self-same books. Coincidence? I think not!

Ew! Natalie Portman and her disproportionately small forearms are guest judging on P-Run (Bravo, 9 PM) tonight. It's a can't miss!

Tonight on MonsterQuest (History, 9 PM) we'll be tracking the insidious Chupacabra! And I'll be not sleeping with my lights off ever again!

Mindy and I had high hopes for Black Gold (TruTV, 10 PM), the reality show about oil rig dudes in Texas or something. But there's not nearly enough Rooster McConaughey for either of us.

Whomever is responsible for Brooke Knows Best (VH1, 10 PM) must think that it's opposites day every day.