Know what makes me feel old? The fact that Molly Ringwald plays the mom of a prego high school kid on The Secret Life of the American Teen. So to full immerse myself in denial, I will be watching Pretty in Pink (HBO2, 3:45 PM) and pretending I'm in first grade. So there!

There are a lot of things to love about the Christopher Guest moviefilm Waiting for Guffman (IFC, 5:15 PM), but in my opinion the greatest by far is the line, "I hate you and your ass-face!"

I'm a little nervous to watch Greatest American Dog (CBS, 8 PM) because I can't stand the thought of puppies being hurt or rejected or disqualified or otherwise dissed or yelled at by their owners. Can someone watch this for me and tell me if it's safe for sensitive viewers?

As if Project Runway (Bravo, 9 PM) couldn't get any more plotz-inducing, tonight's ep features my favorite lesbian Kabbalist and erstwhile Madonna chum Sandra Bernhard.

Did you know that paella was a contact sport? Bobby Flay seems to think it is, as evidenced in tonight's installment of Throwdown With Bobby Flay (Food, 9 PM). Illegal saffron use will not be tolerated, you guys.

Ok after you get over laughing at the title of the BBC special My Small Breasts and I (BBC, 11 PM) you should chide yourself for being immature and then watch it. The BBC's ongoing series of body-image-focused specials is actually pretty fascinating. Jerk.