Oprah (Syndicated) says fear can save your life!

The Closer (TNT, 9 PM) is new tonight, if you're into that.

If you're like me, you like being reduced to a mess of tears whilst watching television. That's why you should watch Intervention In-Depth: Meth Mountain (A&E, 9 PM). Also because "Meth Mountain" simultaneously sounds like the greatest and worst place in the world, and I know how you love dichotomy.

The Middleman's (ABC Family, 10 PM) gots vampires tonights! No idea why I just said that as a four-year-old/hillbilly, but there it is.

Oh, good. The Hills (MTV, 10 PM) is back. Now I can go back to never knowing what the hell any of my female friends are talking about.

Squeal! New Girls Next Door (E! 10 PM)!