If you're like me, you get all of your knowledge of national politics by watching E!, which is why you'd be wise to tune in to 15 Most Shocking Political Sex Scandals (E!, 4 PM). It's called being informed.

OMG! OMG! OMG! Mother May I Sleep With Danger (Oxygen, 4 PM), the Lifetime made-for-TV-movie nouveau classic starring Tori Spelling, is on! (Except it's not on Lifetime.) And it's not even my birthday!

You saw the inky morass that was The Dark Knight. Now go back to Batman Begins (FX, 8 PM), to a time before Christian Bale's contrived basso profundo made everything he said not so much menacing as hilarious.

Watching promos of that new reality show Principal's Office (TruTV, 9 PM) makes me wistful for my own past as a juvenile delinquent. Ahh, to be young!

Tonight's episode of Reality Bites Back (Comedy Central, 10:30 PM) is "American Surv-idoler's Kitchen," which sounds like it will be a mash-up of my three least favorite reality shows, only funny!

You might say that wanting to watch the Real Sex special Pornucopia: Going Down in the Valley -- The Business of Kink (HBO, 11 PM) makes me a perv. Really I'm just being pragmatic for when this whole "internet writing" thing crashes and burns.