I wish just once, there was an occasion for which I could invoke the phrase It's Me Or The Dog (Animal Planet, 6 PM), but I can't imagine that happening, because I love dogs more than I love humans.

The Craft (HBO2, 6 PM) is about as scary a movie as I'm willing to tolerate, and that's largely because I have a girlcrush on Fairuza Balk. Yay the 90s!

What's scarier than scary? The E! True Hollywood Story of Star Jones (E!, 9 PM)! These jokes, they write themselves.

Recent ANTM reject Sheena would have done well to watch tonight's What Not to Wear (TLC, 9 PM) titled "Hoochie to Hottie." Alas.

Nothing like a little Lipstick Jungle (CBS, 10 PM) to get in the spooky Halloween mood!

I don't get the appeal of The Starter Wife (USA, 10 PM), and I like that kind of dumb shiz, too!