A physically fit person gets very sick on House (Fox, 8 PM) tonight, so let's all just get fat because we're all going to die anyway! Yayyyy, pass the Bugles!

We didn't know it, but apparently we have quite a few NCIS (CBS, 8 PM) fans in the house. It's new tonight, and many fine people have told us it's worth watching.

Santa Claus is Comin' to Town (ABC, 8 PM) is doing its one night onlaay (Dreamgirls pronunciation) thing tonight.

Holy crap, According to Jim (ABC, 9 PM) is still on! Did you guys know that? I didn't. That's insane. New season premieres tonight! On ABC and everything! Literally sitting in here in awestruck disbelief right now.

Every time Olivia gets out of explaining something to her superiors and co-workers with a simple "It's a long story" eye roll on Fringe (Fox, 9 PM), drink. Because that excuse didn't even fly at the Jamba Juice I worked at in high school, and Jamba Juice is like, way less strict than the F.B.I. usually.

No matter how drunk you get every single day, as long as you're not a cast member on The Bad Girls Club (Oxygen, 10 PM), you're not an alcoholic. I know it's true because it's what I slur to myself every single day! Daily affirmations, people. They're effective.