For all you 12-steppers out there, I've found something actually worth staying sober for on this boozy holiday: the all-day, all-night, all early tomorrow Twilight Zone (Sci Fi, 8 AM) marathon.

Need something slightly lower brow? A&E's got like 12 hours of Dog the Bounty Hunter (A&E, 8 AM) or something. I don't know for sure; I got tired of scrolling. I just know it's on all damn day and night.

Oh for all that is good and holy, three straight hours of Tyler Perry's House of Payne (TBS, 8 PM). Oh well. It could be worse. It could be The Family Guy. (Epic Macfarlane zing! ...Yeah, like he gives a shit.)

Doggies and puppies! Puppies and doggies! And puppydoggies! It's three straight hours of The Dog Whisperer (National Geographic Channel, 8 PM)! Guess what? One of 'em's named Snowflake. I won't tell you which because the TV listings didn't provide a photo. I guess we'll all have to be surprised.

Hey, tween set! If you're reading this, then you probably already know about FNMTV Presents: A Miley-Sized Surprise... New Year's Eve 2009 (MTV, 8 PM), featuring performances by The Academy Is... and Kevin Rudolph. I never realized how the ellipsis at the end of the former's name makes any artist billed after them look like a regretful after thought, but I'm so glad I finally did.

I don't think these two things deserve their own separate mentions, but I can't very well ignore them so here you go: Dick Clark's Primetime New Year's Rockin' Eve With Ryan Seacrest (ABC, 10 PM) and NBC's New Year's Eve With Carson Daly (NBC, 10 PM) will be featuring views of the Times Square ball drop (HA!) and appearances by an array of celebrities. My New Year's Eve wish for you all is that you're too drunk to comprehend either of them.