It's hours three and four of 24 (Fox, 8 PM, 9 PM) Season 7! I haven't seen these or hours one and two yet as I write this, but I'm sure they kicked ass, as the first four hours often do, followed by 10 that suck, one that's better, one that's kinda back to the shitty, two that make everyone enraged, three after that that make us all vow we'll never watch again, two more that are good, and then a (with the exception of Season 6) surprisingly awesome finale. Welcome back, Jack.

Chuck and Uncle Jack get that whole Bart Bass will business squared away on Gossip Girl (CW, 8 PM) tonight, which will likely be incredibly entertaining. Not entertaining enough to cancel out the 20 minutes of bone-crushingly boring Rufus, Dan and Serena plotlines though. Seriously, does anyone give a shit if Dan lives or dies? Even if this were a reality show and he were a real, living human I'm still not entirely sure I'd care.

Marshall is tormented by reality stars through the pages of his tabloids on How I Met Your Mother (CBS, 8:30 PM) tonight, which I guess means this is the Kim Kardashian episode the interwebs cared about the first day it was reported and then promptly forgot about.

Lauren Conrad's going to be on Bromance (MTV, 9 PM) this week, playing the bachelorette in something called "Brody's Dating Game." Ew.

I know Kyle XY (ABC Family, 9 PM) fans are a small bunch, but tonight is its season premiere, so it's sort of worthy of a place here. Someone named Amanda has been kidnapped by someone named -- and I shit you not -- Latnok, and Kyle's gotta save her. Kidnapping is serious business and all, but how can they even expect us to focus on that when there's also prom aftermath to worry about!

Obesity programming is really the best kind of reality television, and Diet Tribe (Lifetime, 10 PM) is basically if there were five less fat Rubys, but with the added bonus of a pun title. Watch it.