Monday, March 30
Gaahhhh, Battlestar Galactica had such a disappointing finale... but look, Tricia Helfer is guest-starring on this week's Chuck (NBC, 8pm) as a ruthless female agent sent to evaluate Sarah's job performance. And for some reason, she is named Alex Forrest, which you may recall is also the name of Glenn Close's character in Fatal Attraction. Hmmm...

Hey folks, Fox did something funky, and now that very special episode of House (FOX, 8pm), where Mos Def plays a man trapped inside his own body whom everyone thinks is dead is airing this week instead of last week. So there you go.

Look, Greek (ABC Family, 8pm) is back for the rest of its second season, and we can all be reminded of our college days where we were absurdly attractive and had plenty of money and spent all our time plotting pranks against rival fraternities. Isn't that what you used to do?

OMG Season 5 of The Hills (MTV, 10pm) is like totally premiering tonight! Well, sort of... MTV is airing some sort of launch special, followed by a truly unmissable hour known as The Hills: Lauren Looks Back. Unfortunately, you'll have to wait another week for the premiere episode of Season 5. We know you're heartbroken.

Tuesday, March 31
This week, American Idol (FOX, 8pm) runs either a super-sized or an under-sized episode, depending on your perspective, and ends at the unusual hour of 9:20. Why?

So that we can watch Osbournes: Reloaded (FOX, 9:20pm)! Look what they have planned for the first episode: forcing a blindfolded audience member to kiss a stranger! Jack and Kelly working at a drive-through! Children playing Ozzy and Sharon as they reminisce about their first date! Yes, America, this is going to be big.

Remember that show Jeremy Piven was on in 1998, where he played a dude who thought he was Cupid? Yeah, that's coming back. The remix of Cupid (ABC, 10pm) stars Bobby Cannavale and Sarah Paulson, and there are probably some other things that are different, too. Listen, television, we'll grant you this one because the original series was canceled too soon, but haven't you realized that movie remakes tend to be horrible? Don't get any closer to that bandwagon. Seriously.

Season 3 of My Boys (TBS, 10:30pm) starts this week too, for the few of you out there who might care. I recently watched a few episodes from the first season and what I learned was that shows about women with male friends are not as funny as shows about women with female friends. Excluding In the Motherhood.

Inner beauty is extremely popular on television these days -- although I would continue to hold all bets on when it will replace outer beauty -- hence the premiere of Pretty Wicked (Oxygen, 11pm). Huh, CariDee English, the winner of America's Next Top Model Cycle 7, is the host, for some reason. I don't remember her having a problem with tremendous inner bitchery when she was on the show... but maybe she hid it cleverly. Because restraint is the hallmark of ANTM.

Wednesday, April 1
It turns out celebrities are just like us, especially regarding their enjoyment of April Fool's pranks. So if you always wanted to see Heidi Klum working at a pizza shop and befuddling customers by pretending not to be Heidi Klum, check out I Get That a Lot (CBS, 8pm).

Prepare to block four hours out of your Wednesday night, because MTV is bringing it this week -- first, we've got Pedro (MTV, 8pm), the biopic constantly being pimped on The Real World this season about the late Pedro Zamora, a cast member on The Real World: San Francisco back in 1994 and the first person on television to be open about having AIDS. And then we've got the double-episode finale of The Real World: Brooklyn (MTV, 10pm). Whew, that was a lot of writing the words "The Real World" while talking about something that bears no resemblance to it.

Damages (FX, 10pm) is also ending tonight... and apparently will require 90 minutes to wrap up all its loose ends. Which does not surprise me, as I hear this show is rather complicated. As in, super-duper-enormous-hardly-anyone-actually-watches-it complicated. Oh well, hooray for Glenn Close!

More finales! But this is one is forever... Life on Mars (ABC, 10pm) got canceled a few months ago, so this will actually be its series finale. (Barring ABC's decision to remake it in about ten years. You go, Cupid!) Anyway, it looks like Sam will get to decide whether to return to 2009 or stay in 1973. Hmmm, let's think practically -- how much money could he make betting on future things, a la Marty McFly? Quite a lot. I know what I'd do!

So many finales tonight... but look, there's a premiere too! Of RENO 911! (Comedy Central, 10:30pm)! Good, because television has sorely missed Lt. Jim Dangle and his spectacularly tight polyester short-shorts. Long live the Reno Sheriff's Department!

Thursday, April 2
After 15 seasons, it's finally time to say goodbye to one of the best-loved dramas on television -- and boy, will it go out with a bang. First, we have an ER Retrospective (NBC, 8pm), and then the main event: the two-hour finale of ER (NBC, 9pm), its last episode ever. That feels so weird to type!

Other networks (read: ABC) aren't even bothering to air new episodes against ER. This is television history, people! But not maverick CBS... no, it's the 200th episode of CSI (CBS, 9pm), and CBS is damn well going to show it. This week. Because it was directed by William Friedkin, and he directed The Exorcist, goddammit! And it's going to be about Mexican wrestling, goddammit! I mean, are you really going pass this up for the ER finale? Come on!

And if you're in the mood for a little laughter after County General finally closes its doors, then head on over to the second season premiere of Free Radio (VH1, 11pm) where you can watch the very funny Lance Krall as Lance the intern, unlikely host of radio show "Moron in the Morning," interview Ed Helms and Dominic Monaghan by asking inappropriate personal questions. You know, like the Howard Stern show but without basically being porn.

Friday, April 3
After weeks of no info about those mysterious dolls, Dollhouse (FOX, 9pm) is finally letting loose! That's right, it seems Echo and the rest of the Actives wake up with their memories and personalities intact and try to flee, as I think any reasonable person would do when confronted with the fact that for some reason they've been lending their body out to be imprinted and sent on dubious missions. It's like blacking out, but with the knowledge that you've had to pretend to be Patton Oswalt's wife.

Let's Party Down (Starz, 10:30pm), you guys! This week's episode features Marilu Henner as Pepper McMasters, host of many a senior singles seminar, and Ed Begley, Jr. as an old flame of Constance's (Jane Lynch) who inspires her to try and get it on with Henry (Adam Scott). Sounds like a party I'd want to go to!