It sort of feels like the end of an era. Lauren Conrad is leaving The Hills after tonight's season finale. It seems like she's actually grown up and doesn't have time for the frivolous discussions and forced fights with frenemies any more. Good for her. Also, good for us.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

We're guessing that someone else is going to die tonight on Harper's Island (CBS, 9 PM). We're just psychic like that.

Based on the best-selling novel, Maneater (Lifetime, 9 PM) is a two-episode mini-series that follows rich bitch Clarissa Alpert (Sarah Chalke) on the quest for her MRS. All we can say is that we hope she's as pleasantly awkward as she is on Scrubs. And that Hall & Oates make a guest appearance.

Squee!!! The absolutely delightful Pushing Daisies (ABC, 10 PM) returns to finish out its run... on a Saturday night... in the summer. Sigh. Stupid ABC. At least we don't have to wait for the DVD to see what happens with the piemaker and his friends.

Sunday May 31, 2009

LC has left the building, or at least is on her way out of The Hills (MTV, 7:58 PM), after she makes a brief pit stop at the Speidi wedding. She'll hand over her show to her former Laguna rival Kristin Cavallari in what will probably be the most dull finale of all time.

Since when has it been appropriate for Music Television to host a movie awards ceremony? Since 1992, apparently, but that's beside the point. Andy Samberg is hosting the 2009 MTV Movie Awards (MTV, 9 PM), and that's really all you need to know.

Breaking Bad (AMC, 10 PM) deserves Emmys, and lots of them (or at least we think so). Don't believe us? Tune in for the finale and see why this show is just so damned good.

Monday June 1, 2009

Let it be known that Greek (ABC Family, 8 PM) is highly underrated. Now that Andylicious is out of the picture (come back, Jesse McCartney!), Rusty and Jordan's romance is finally underway. Like we didn't know that was coming. On the other hand, new drama shall ensue due to Cappie and Evan's new involvement in the secret society. How very Ivy League of you, Cyprus-Rhodes University.

Calling it now that Janice Dickinson pulls out some bitchin' survival skills in the second season premiere of I'm a Celebrity, Get Me out of Here (NBC, 8 PM). That, or Speidi is eaten by a lion. We can only hope.

Medium (NBC, 10 PM) airs its last NBC episode tonight before it heads on over to its new digs on CBS next season. Can you believe they are putting Medium and Ghost Whisperer together? Seems either genius or totally nuts.

Tuesday June 2, 2009

We're surprised that According to Jim (ABC, 8:30 PM) has lasted this long, but now it is time for it to go. We're not really gonna cry any tears over the end of this one.

We've seen Will Ferrell do such bizarre things as drink his own urine before, but this time he won't be playing a character. Tune in to this special episode of Man vs. Wild (Discovery, 10 PM) to watch Ferrell and Bear Grylls tackle the glaciers of northern Sweden.

Apparently Brittany Flickinger wasn't quite enough, because Paris is back tonight for the season two premiere of My New BFF (MTV, 10 PM). Rumor has it she's really going to be putting these potential besties to the test. OMGZ, we hope she picks us!

Wednesday June 3, 2009

Although we're tempted to boycott So You Think You Can Dance? (FOX, 8 PM) following the rejection of the male ballroom duo, we'll probably still tune in for the Vegas callbacks. Although if the judges are as emotional as they were last week, it might not be much fun.

Following this 19th season finale, Law & Order (NBC, 10 PM) will be tied with Gunsmoke for the longest-running drama in the history of American television! As if that's not reason enough to watch, this episode features murder! And blackmail! And stalking! And politics! It's like nothing you've never seen before.

Oh, so you think Sandhurst has a chance in hell against Branden or Jonathan? We'll find out which of the hot guys is the best catwalker on tonight's Make Me a Supermodel (Bravo, 10 PM) season finale. Mostly, we just want to see how sad Nicole looks now that all her female contestants are out of the running.

Thursday June 4, 2009

Michael's getting out of jail on tonight's Burn Notice (USA, 9 PM) season premiere. And who says there's nothing good on TV in the summer?

Medium moved to CBS, and NBC apparently couldn't be without a show about people with psychic or telepathic abilities, so they're debuting The Listener (NBC, 9 PM and 10 PM) about a paramedic who can read minds. Sounds... original.

With the end of ER, television needs a new dose of sexy doctors. Royal Pains (USA, 10 PM), a series about an E.R. surgeon (Mark Feuerstein) who's fired, then takes on the role of on-call doctor for the rich socialites of the Hamptons, tries to fill those shoes... but we're guessing this won't quite have the life force of ER.

Friday June 5, 2009

We've never seen Don't Tell the Bride (BBC America, 8 PM), but as females, we find the premise of the show to be slightly appalling. Tonight, Nick uses his $20,000 to plan the wedding that fiancée Laila considers a nightmare, and Rodney goes with a Caribbean theme for his big day with Paula. How... festive?

-- Angel Cohn and Shayna Makaron

What Not to Wear is mixing it up this season with celebrity fashion victims volunteering for makeovers for the first time ever. First up: Mayim Bialik, a.k.a. Blossom! If you haven't seen a photo of her lately, she's basically earthy as crap now and clearly doesn't care about what she wears, which is apparently hindering her ability to do well at auditions? I don't know, it's show biz stuff. Anyway, tonight Stacy and Clinton will do their thing and take her from fashion disaster to WASPy clone in 43 minutes. Yay?

I've got to admit it: there's something I just enjoy about the spelling bee. Maybe it is because when I think about it, the songs from that musical pop into my mind, or maybe it is because I'm happy to see kids on TV showing off their brains while not having to answer some of the easy questions on Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader. I think it might be the fact that it is so simple. Kids step up to a mic, spell big words and then go back to folding chairs. There's no flashing lights or big stages or Who Wants to be a Millionaire music of doom.

I wasn't sure how I felt about this new animated series on ABC, until I found out Mike Judge was actually involved -- I probably should have known, since it looks like it could take place in the same oddly-drawn world as Beavis and Butt-head and King of the Hill. This series targets the opposite end of the earth from the salt-of-the-earth, down-home Texans of KotH, namely overly sensitive hippie-types who don't eat meat and bathe in rainwater. Basically, whereas the Hills were all Bush supporters, the Goodes live by the tenet "What Would Al Gore Do?" (Uh, grow a beard?)

Summer has arrived, and with it comes a bevy of mediocre network shows that weren't worthy of a fall or midseason debut, so they got shuffled off to the doldrums of summer. Not to say that there haven't been decent summer shows in the past on major network television, but in general they are few and far between. Reality TV and cable dramas seem to dominate the season. Still, the networks continue to try, and with that we get Mental.

First of all, we need to discuss last week's Bachelorette events. Well, one event in particular -- Jillian gave the foot fetish guy a rose because while we knew he was a foot fetish guy because of his endless interviews about his obsessive foot fetish, Jillian did not see that, and thus just thinks he's a regular non-foot fetish-havin' guy, which he is of course not. And look, I'm not saying it's wrong to have a foot fetish. That isn't my problem with him. We all have our things that would be considered weird by people. My problem with him is that he seems to be unaware that foot fetishes are generally not looked upon favorably by most people, or that one's fetishes are something you usually keep to yourself until you have established some semblance of trust with the person you're revealing them to, and not something you just go on and on about to an entire nation the first time you meet them. There is something wrong with him, is what I'm saying. Something that has very little to do with the actual foot fetish. It's something worse, people. Anyway, can't wait for Jillian to find out! Hope it happens tonight!

Saturday, May 23
If you're sad Supernatural is over, or simply miss gruff old Bobby, why not follow him over to Harper's Island (CBS, 9 PM)? This awesome 13 episode horror mini-series is almost halfway done, but you can catch the first five episodes at CBS.com before watching Episode 6 tonight. Any show that kills off Harry Hamlin in the first episode is okay by us.

In the newest episode of Primeval (BBC America, 9 PM), the team fights a chameleon-like creature, and Dr. Jekyll from League of Extraordinary Gentlemen plays a cop. I really don't know how I could make this sound more awesome than it already is.

Sunday, May 24
Oh, snap! Henry's gonna annul his marriage to Anne of Cleves? Shit just got real! That's how they roll on The Tudors, son! (Showtime, 9 PM)

I haven't watched Breaking Bad (AMC, 10 PM), but apparently it's awesome? Bryan Cranston is pretty great, and so is crystal meth, so I believe it.

I have yet to understand how watching Gabriel Byrne psychoanalyze someone is must-see TV, but there are two new, back-to-back episodes of In Treatment (HBO, 9 PM) on tonight. I guess it's cheaper than seeing your own therapist?

Monday, May 25
Apparently, getting 20% more bachelors for The Bachelorette (ABC, 8 PM) means they have to send them home a bunch at a time. Of the 20 who are left, four go home tonight, after a pool party and a basketball game. Ready your slo-mo buttons, ladies!

On a very special Jon & Kate Plus 8 (TLC, 9 PM), the sextuplets all celebrate their fifth birthdays (that sounds like a load of fun) and Jon and Kate "address what the future holds for their family." This oughta be good.

Does anyone really want to see Speidi plan their wedding on The Hills (MTV, 10 PM)? I didn't think so.

It's the penultimate NBC episode of Medium (NBC 10 PM), now that it's moving to CBS to form a psychic ladies detective agency with Ghost Whisperer. All I can say is, they better team up.

Tuesday, May 26
Reaper (CW, 8 PM)? This show is still on?

We watched the commercial for Mental (Fox, 9 PM), which premieres tonight, and we absolutely cannot tell you one thing about the show, except it takes place at a hospital, and it's very emotional. There's a lot of that going around.

If someone had told me five years ago that I would love Denis Leary as much as I do today, I would have called them a liar. Rescue Me (FX, 10 PM) totally makes up for Two if by Sea.

Wednesday, May 27
So You Think You Can Dance? (Fox, 8 PM) Well, you have two hours to prove it. But that's it.

Takeshi's Castle knock-off or not, Wipeout (ABC, 8 PM) makes us cheer every time an idiot takes a giant, padded beam to the groin.

Sad though I am that The Unusuals (ABC, 10 PM) has been canceled, I will savor every last episode, including tonight's, which features an 87-year-old man on a crime spree.

Thursday, May 28
Two more hours of So You Think You Can Dance (Fox, 8 PM)? Man, either I'm an idiot for not watching this show or the luckiest bastard on Earth.

Can I just say that some of the contestants on The Fashion Show (Bravo, 10 PM) are crazy? And that one is named Merlin? And that he's crazy?

Friday, May 29
Apparently, Don't Forget the Lyrics (Fox, 8 PM) is still on the air, and Howard Stern's producer Gary Dell'Abate will be playing for charity tonight. Also appearing: singer Mark McGrath. Just doing our job, no need to thank us.

To say that I'm excited for the return of this show is an understatement. In fact, I've been counting the days until it returned. While I'm a little overwhelmed by the newly announced idea of back-to-back seasons, I really feel that I won't get sick of this show. I love dancing. I love competitive reality shows. I love Cat Deeley. It is just such an amalgam of things I adore.

So this is it: the end of this season's Idol. All the Adam/Gokey and now Adam/Kris fan wars, speculation about who will win and whether Gokey fans will all vote for Kris to spite Adam, and (accurate) accusations of Adam favoritism by the judges and media, and weird homophobes coming out of the woodwork to attack Adam -- it's all over after tonight. Kind of a relief, isn't it? It's been an exciting season, and I love Adam and think Kris is great, but I'm pretty worn out from all of this. I just want a winner, both the winner and runner-up to get record deals, some half-decent new pop singles in a couple months and for everybody to be happy. And tonight's finale is the first step! Good luck to both of them. The end.