Sunday, May 17
Douche is gone! Douche is gone! And so is Survivor: Tocantins (CBS, 8 PM), after a two-hour finale and one-hour reunion tonight. I don't know about you, but I'm rooting for JT.

Any Dream Will Do (BBCA, 8 PM) speaks to my theater-loving heart, even when it's being ruined by the abominable Josh Groban, as it is tonight. You've been warned.

It's the two-hour Desperate Housewives (ABC, 9 PM) finale, and all hell's breaking loose with Creepy Dave. That's all I know, I'm sorry.

Monday, May 18
So Tony's people have Kim on 24 (Fox, 8 PM) and Jack still isn't cured (though in the last episode he was miraculously well enough to save everyone from the TerrorMist. Meh. Such is 24), but he's got to find a way to help Tony escape in order to save Spawn from certain death. I wonder if Jack Bauer can accomplish such a feat! I kid, I kid. It's going to be a very fun two hours. I hope Tony dies (for good).

How I Met Your Mother (CBS, 8:30 PM) is yet another show having a finale this month. Tonight, Marshall will try to lure Ted to the roof for a surprise 31st birthday party. I'm sure it'll be a lot funnier than it sounds.

On this season premiere of The Bachelorette (ABC, 9 PM), Jillian will prove to be so desperate to be famous that she is willing to be The Bachelorette. Plus, they have 30 asshats instead of the standard 25 asshats for her to date this time! That is 20% more asshats! Which doesn't sound right for some reason!

Tuesday, May 19
Dancing With the Stars (ABC, 8 PM) ends tonight, which means we're going to get three hours of it. Unfathomable! Reality show finales are too long, especially when Amazing Race is the best one there is, and they manage to take care of business in 60 simple minutes. So anyway, someone's going to win tonight. My money's on Shawn.

Last performance night on American Idol (Fox, 8 PM), and I don't know what they'll be singing, but we may hear whatever crap ass song they've written for the winner's first single. Laughs all around.

I promise you, even if you don't like musicals, you should give Glee (Fox, 9 PM) a chance. The pilot is fantastic and will make you cry.

Wednesday, May 20
It's down to Kris and Adam on American Idol (Fox, 8 PM), and with Gokey out I'm going to guess that all his die hards who passionately hate Adam will vote Kris to a win. Kris is cute and talented, but gah, so boring. But boring is what American Idol is all about. Good luck with that, Kris. I hope Adam gets signed by a non-RCA label and gets to make the filthy pop record he should.

I haven't watched this season of Make Me a Supermodel (Bravo, 10 PM), but I hear it's much better than last season, which I hate-watched religiously (Team Frankie!). That Nicole Trunfio looks fun anyway. Tonight the models will be subjected to an outdoor winter photo shoot in NYC, probably half-naked, as they do on this show.

Ugh, these idiots. The Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Duel 2 (MTV, 10 PM) continues to exist and is new tonight.

Thursday, May 21
Ugly Betty (ABC, 8 PM) two-hour finale. Henry's coming back, which pisses Angel off and has little effect on me because I can't stand Matt (though I love the Christina Baranski guest-spots he brings with him), and they might kill Daniel's wife, who I've grown to like a lot more that I thought I would. What can I say? The actress is charming.

Summer is officially upon us: So You Think You Can Dance (Fox, 8 PM) starts tonight! Which means loads of freaks, throngs of brilliant dancers, countless opportunities for Mary Murphy to rupture your ear drums, and a slim chance we'll get to watch Cat Deeley challenged to a dance off outside in the audition lines. Welcome back, show!

Sadly, True Life: I'm Stuck at Home (MTV, 10 PM) is not about people with bedsores like I wanted, but it is about those people everybody knows who still live with their parents way past when it is socially acceptable to. Let's laugh at 'em!

Friday, May 22
It's Friday and all of the Friday shows are over, so let's just partake in a little WWE Friday Night SmackDown! (MNT, 8 PM)