Oh, how I love Tori and Dean. I'm not even ashamed of it. And I don't mean that in an ironic way -- I genuinely like them. I think they're funny, and that their affection for each other is sincere. My friends give me a lot of crap about that, but considering how much reality television I watch (almost all of it), it's nice to see a family that doesn't make me sad, angry or call "Fake!" a million times every episode. Plus I love hearing horror stories about that monster Candy Spelling!

Kathy and Team Griffin are back tonight, and though many cool things are happening this season, like Bette Midler and T.I. and stuff, the biggest issue on everyone's minds is, "Oh no, no more Jessica!" As you may or may not know, she quit that bitch. This season Team Griffin is just Tiffany and Tom, which I'm actually fine with. Jessica was cool, because she'd sometimes call Kathy on her crap, but she didn't have much of a personality. I love Tiffany, and I love watching that long-suffering creeper Tom (who is also kind of endearing? My feelings regarding Tom are very complicated) get tortured by the girls. So I think it'll be okay! Tonight, Kathy befriends the Divine Miss M and tries to bribe her way to a Grammy nomination. Can't wait. Suck it, Jessica!

Not a Kathy fan? Find other options in our Week in Preview post.

Tonight is quite possibly the best night of TV ever for theater junkies like myself. Not only are the Tony Awards airing (on CBS at 8 PM) with Neil Patrick Harris (who was amazing in Broadway's Assassins a few years ago) hosting, but BBC America has a three hour lineup of musical wonderment that makes me want to sing out loud. They are starting the night off with the two hour finale of Any Dream Will Do, which is the American Idol-y series that is looking for a guy to take on the lead role in Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat on the West End. Well, no spoilers here, but this series aired in the UK ages ago, so the winner has already come and gone from the show (not that I looked just in case I wanted to take a trip across the pond just to see the winner in the show or anything totally ridiculous like that), but it has still been remarkably entertaining to watch.

Saturday June 6, 2009

A murder case leads Emerson closer to finding out his missing daughter Penny's whereabouts in Pushing Daisies (ABC, 10 PM). The prime suspect? Penny's mother. Meanwhile, Randy Mann (guest star David Arquette) does his best to woo Olive.

Sunday June 7, 2009

What we really don't need is yet another spoiled teen getting everything she wants for her sweet sixteen. Apparently Gene doesn't see it that way. He is trying to turn his daughter Sophie's birthday into the "sweet sixteen of the century" in Gene Simmons Family Jewels (AETV, 9 PM).

In the third season premiere of Army Wives (Lifetime, 10 PM), the army wives offer their support to Claudia Joy and Michael after Emmalin's disappearance. That sure sounds dramatic! Probably even more so if you have any idea who any of these people are.

Monday June 8, 2009

Did Jon cheat? Did he not cheat? Will Jon and Kate's marriage fall apart? Why do we care, again? The Gosselin family dons their painfully transparent happy masks to celebrate the show's 100th episode in Jon & Kate Plus 8 (TLC, 9 PM).

Bribery? Cameo in a Las Vegas stage show? It must be Kathy Griffin embracing her life on the D-list. Tune in to Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List (Bravo, 10 PM), and watch Kathy mingle with A-list idol Bette Midler in the fifth season premiere.

After Nancy drops the huge bombshell with her supposed pregnancy, which concluded fourth season of Weeds (Showtime, 10 PM), this pot-dealing suburban mom finds herself deeper in the drug world in the fifth season premiere. Can't wait to see her completely screw up yet another defenseless child! Nancy Botwin, you are nothing if not consistent.

Tuesday June 9, 2009

The CW has created a new one-hour reality show series called Hitched or Ditched (CW, 9 PM) that focuses on couples in long-term relationships that have yet to tie the knot. The couple is put through a series of tests that will determine whether they'll get hitched ... or ditched. That is some olympic level literal naming right there.

Jana and Jill (which ones are they again?) are about to go under the knife to remove their wisdom teeth in 18 Kids and Counting (TLC, 9 PM). If their parents will be with them, who will looking after all the other kids?

After Paris Hilton's now ex-BFF from the first season turned out to be a disappointment, Paris is on the lookout for a new one in the second season of My New BFF (MTV, 10 PM). Since the only way to score a true BFF is through a series of tests (like stripper pole-testing and egg hunting), let's see who will hold out the longest in tonight's episode.

Wednesday June 10, 2009

After watching one too many crazy dancers hoping to get onto So You Think You Can Dance (Fox, 8 PM and 9 PM), we finally get to see the Top 20 dancers perform for the first time.

Be amazed at the strength of the World's Strongest Toddler (TLC, 8 PM) -- a boy who can lift weights and perform exercises at only three years old. We're going to be so disillusioned when Jose Canseco writes a steroids book about him later.

Because we couldn't get enough of Top Chef, Bravo created a spin-off series: Top Chef Masters (Bravo, 10 PM) where 24 world-renowned chefs get subjected to the same impossible challenges inflicted upon the normal contestants and see how they like it.

Thursday June 11

The last season of The Real Housewives of Orange County is long gone, but if you still need your fill of the drama and catfights, you can tune in to The Real Housewives of Orange County: The Lost Footage (Bravo, 9 PM). Though it'll probably be as largely boring and superfluous as the RHONY one that just aired.

Even though Michael escaped the clutches of Carla's boss, it didn't take him long to find a new enemy. Looks like Season 3 of Burn Notice (USA, 9 PM) promises to be laden with adventure.

After Toby bumps into a young homeless man in tonight's The Listener (NBC, 10 PM), he has visions of a missing girl. Is there more than one person who shares his psychic abilities? Aaand here comes the drama.

Friday June 12

Shari Wilson, a single mom, and Michelle Grimaldo, a victim of the California wildfires, compete to belt out lyrics after the music stops to win $1 million in tonight's Don't Forget the Lyrics! (Fox, 8 PM) in an effort to change their luck. Yes, dance, down-trodden monkeys! Dance for cash!

Ya gotta love Burn Notice's cliffhangers. At the end of Season 1, Michael drove his car into a mysterious tractor-trailer a la Spyhunter. Then, right before the mid-Season 2 break, a bomb went off as he opened the door to his lair. And at the end of Season 2, he dropped out of a helicopter hovering 100 feet above the ocean. So we can't wait to see what happens when he strolls ashore in Miami in tonight's Season 3 premiere, sans suit jacket and soaking wet. Will his old enemies immediately start trying to kill him now that he's not under the protection of the Management? Will Sam and Fi know where to find him, maybe give him a lift home?

It's the finale, and while I have no idea what's going to happen, I know for sure that there's going to be a male winner. I'd claim I was using my psychic powers, but it's really just because there are only three people left and they're all male. I'm personally rooting for Sandhurst. He's been my favorite guy all along. But I actually think Branden has come a long way and Jonathan sure is pretty-looking, so they could all be in contention for the title.

It's time for celebrity hating in its most interactive form! And I have no idea how it actually works, because the official site and press release details are very vague! However I've used said vague details along with Angel's memory of the ABC version to cobble together a theory. It's possible that a trying challenge such as swimming in a sea of snakes or something will be presented to us, the viewers, and we will call in to nominate a "celebrity" cast member to have to do it. Whoever gets the most votes has to attempt the challenge, and if they can do it maybe they get immunity? And if they fail, maybe they're automatically voted out or they have to go to some Real World/Road Rules Challenge-type duel situation? The details don't really matter. What's important is that it basically boils down to us likely being able to repeatedly torture Spencer Pratt and watch Janice Dickinson and Frangela laugh at his ass until he either dies or gets voted off. It's going to be glorious.