Duff and company are back with more delicious concoctions, and tonight they kick off their seventh season on a new night. Frankly, Sundays are much more convenient for me than its typical Thursday at 10 spot, so I'd be thrilled if this move somehow became permanent. It's all about me. Anyway, on tonight's episode Duff heads to Alaska to make a cake for the state's 50th anniversary. No word on if it will look like Sarah Palin or not. Plus, the Charm City gang has to create a Jupiter cake as well as Hubble telescope. Cool, right?

Saturday, July 18, 2009

On the third season premiere of The Bill Engvall Show (TBS, 9 PM), Bill tells Lauren that the family can't afford to pay for her Spring Break trip. Ironic how this sitcom is more realistic than reality TV.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Oh, Lindsay Lohan -- some kind souls out there might actually watch Labor Pains (ABC Family, 8 PM), simply because they feel bad that you've been reduced to a made-for-TV movie about faking pregnancy.

If you're lacking in a) plans for Sunday night, or b) a soul, tune in for the series premiere of Most Popular (WE, 10 PM). On this new game show, 100 audience members judge seven female contestants. Then they vote off the one that they like least, solely based on their first impressions. This one sounds too sad to even be funny.

On tonight's pubescent episode of Merlin (NBC, 8 PM), Arthur develops a crush on a beautiful, mysterious girl... who wants to kill him in exchange for eternal life. Happens to the best of us, eh?

Monday, July 20, 2009

Torchwood (BBC America, 9 PM) is back for its third season, and Captain Jack, Gwen and Ianto are faced with the challenge of saving mankind whilst mourning the loss of two of their best friends. Talk about bad timing.

On the new reality series Dating in the Dark (ABC, 10 PM), love is blind as singles get to know each other in pitch-black darkness. But wouldn't it be so much funnier if they just got really drunk? Or put paper bags on their heads? Or got drunk and put paper bags on their heads?

The series premiere of The T.O. Show (VH1, 10 PM) sparks the journey for the recently cut wide receiver to reconcile the two aspects of his personality: controversial superstar T.O. and quiet, thoughtful Terrell Owens. And if that doesn't do it for you, he's guaranteed to be shirtless. A lot.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Gordon Ramsay is back, newly botoxed and ready to kick some ass on the 6th season premiere of Hell's Kitchen (Fox, 8 PM). For the first time, the signature dish challenge becomes a team competition and a battle of the sexes.

Calling all 12-year-old girls and their mommies! Tonight marks the premiere of Ruby & the Rockits (ABC Family, 8:30 PM), a new series about a still-going '80s pop star (David Cassidy) who brings his recently discovered daughter (Alexa Vega) to live with his brother and former bandmate (Patrick Cassidy). Adorable bonuses: David and Patrick keep their real names for their characters, and Shaun Cassidy is the executive producer.

If Ruby & the Rockits is so bad it leaves you wishing for the apocalypse, check out the series premiere of The Colony (Discovery, 10 PM), a controlled experiment that looks at what it would be like to have to rebuild society if the world were destroyed.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Do you have a strange fascination with the creature known as the pageant mom? What about 5-year-old girls that look like they're 30? You don't even have to answer these questions because really, who doesn't? The second season premiere of Toddlers & Tiaras (TLC, 10 PM) is tonight, and it looks disturbingly awesome.

Michael Ian Black and Michael Showalter are hilarious separately, which means they'll be even more hilarious together. Right? Check out tonight's episode of Michael & Michael Have Issues (Comedy Central, 10:30 PM) and find out.

On tonight's Top Chef Masters (Bravo, 10 PM), the contestants must create a dish using a box of mystery ingredients. Let's just hope the box isn't full of condiments. What a twist!

Thursday, July 23, 2009

On tonight's episode of So You Think You Can Dance (Fox, 9 PM), two of the top eight are voted off. But the real excitement lies with the much-anticipated Katie Holmes song and dance performance to Judy Garland's "Get Happy," choreographed by Tyce Diorio. Seriously, I think sequins are just about the only thing that can make this more fabulous.

Betsey Johnson is guest-judging the finale of The Fashion Show (Bravo, 10 PM), and that's pretty exciting -- especially since I never really understood who made Kelly Rowland a fashion authority.

Thank God 16 & Pregnant (MTV, 10 PM) is finally ending. Not that we need to be any more depressed, but I hope the "Life After Labor" finale special brings some personal anecdotes of misery so we can all stop glamorizing teen pregnancy.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Piers Morgan guest-judges on tonight's season finale of Chopping Block (NBC, 8 PM). He's no NPH, but we'll take it.

Jack uses his "unconventional methods" to uncover clues from the testimony of a murdered drug dealer's autistic daughter on Mental (Fox, 9 PM). Also, Arturo's soap opera actor father thinks his experience playing a doctor will help him solve a medical case. Cute.

The new season of LA Ink kicked off last week, and while Kat Von D is running her shop and coming up with fantastic tattooed portraits, she's still as freakishly obsessive about her staff as ever. Some of her designers have headed off for greener, or less nutty, pastures. Don't get me wrong, I like Kat, I watched her on Miami Ink like and addict, and was thrilled she got her own show, but she seems like she'd be a hard person to work for, to say the very least.

The Justice League is back! Tough Guy! Thief Girl! Con Lady! Hacker Dude! Mastermind! On their own, they're forces to be reckoned with, but together they're pretty much unstoppable. And by "unstoppable," I of course mean that they will not stop robbing you, conning you or incriminating you... provided you are a rich, powerful douchebag who has it coming. Basically, they'll do whatever they have to do to steal from the rich and give to the poor, even when they have to change their plans drastically halfway though the con, which seems to happen every episode. You may call it formulaic, but I call it reliable.

We're not typically very sporty around here, except for my insane enthusiasm about the Olympics, but the All-Star Game is actually sort of fun, in an it-doesn't-really-matter kind of way. It's like the Pro Bowl for football; it's just an excuse to get all of the really talented stars from each team to play together in one big game. It's always seemed strange to me that this happens in the middle of the baseball season, but this year in particular I'm grateful for this all-star break, because it means that as a Mets fan, I don't have to watch my team lose for the next few days.

Our favorite caustic chef is back tonight with a new season, and he's going to Chile! Which I know next to nothing about! But I'm assuming they eat a lot of beef and seafood? Maybe? That's good, he'll be happy about that. I can tell you that on the Travel Channel's official they have a picture of Tony riding a horse on the beach, punk rock Nixon style, which is absolutely hysterical. Can you imagine Tony on a horse? Just trying to deal with its smells and bounciness while trying to think of something insightful to say about the Chilean experience. Clearly, this episode is going to be legendary.

The season premieres at 10 PM on the Travel Channel, but if Bourdain's too much of an arrogant sassypants for you, check out what else is on in our Week in Preview, ya Sandra Lee fans.

I may be the only Entourage fan left, but that's OK with me because I'm really excited for the sixth season premiere. It's been too long since I last saw dreamy movie star Vince Chase on the screen.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

After weeks of people dying left and right on Harper's Island (CBS, 9 PM), questions are finally answered and the killer is revealed in the two-hour series finale. Let justice prevail! For the queasy, thank goodness this show is over. We don't need to see any more stabbed corpses or victims shooting their faces off.

The feminist in me is hating on Battle of the Bods (FRC, 10 PM) because the females on the show have to rank themselves in order of hotness in accordance with the male judges' rankings. Shame on them for promoting superficiality in an already body-obsessed society! Anyway, watch the second season premiere if you want to shake your disapproving head at the TV or if you just to see some hot bods.

Eli makes full use of his visions in tonight's series finale on Eli Stone (ABC, 10 PM) when he foresees the death of a close friend in a plane crash.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Right before the soul of blonde-hair model Deb enters the pearly gates of heaven after dying in a car crash, she's stopped by the gatekeeper and returns to Earth in the body of a smart, plus-size lawyer. Watch how Deb comes to learn about "inner beauty" (excuse the horrible cliché) in the pilot of Drop Dead Diva (Lifetime, 9 PM).

The economy is rough for everybody, especially for a man just beginning to work as a gigolo. In tonight's episode of Hung (HBO, 10 PM), Ray mismanages his finances, but I'm sure everything will turn out fine since Tanya's former colleague gives Ray a "test-run."

Even though tonight's Entourage (HBO, 10:30 PM) is a very disappointingly slow start to the sixth season, at least we get to see Vinnie Chase doing some acting work instead of wasting his life and his rugged good looks away.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Join bad boy chef Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations (Travel, 10 PM) in his quest for the ultimate dining experience. Tonight's stop? Chile. I suspect he'll be eating some chili in Chile. Ha ha I kid.

Bringing dance and diet together is certainly fun and entertaining to watch, but stripping is going a tad too far. Unfortunately, that's what the contestants will be doing on tonight's Dance Your Ass Off (Oxygen, 10 PM).

Yes, the time has come when not even a disorder can turn those cameras away. Follow Christa and Ryan in reality show Obsessed (A&E, 10 PM) and their struggle with OCD.

In tonight's episode of Weeds (Showtime, 10 PM), something happens that makes Nancy rethink her marriage to Esteban. Hmm not marry the sketchy mayor of Mexico-slash-drug lord? That's a tough one! While Nancy deals with her dilemma, Silas and Doug find success in selling medical marijuana -- and I was just about to think that no one would find happiness on this show.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

If you want to save yourself some time, watch the movie instead of the new TV series 10 Things I Hate About You (ABC Family, 8 PM). Bianca tries to get on Chastity's good side, and Kat has an unwanted admirer. Sound familiar? Maybe a little too familiar.

Pick up some tips to beautify your home just by watching Lisa Lynch do it on Stager Invasion (TLC, 8:30 PM) -- without having to spend $1,000.

Need an upgrade from The Hills? Miami Social (Bravo 10 PM) may just be the answer. The show follows the lives of seven "young, hot, successful" people living in Miami Beach. The series premiere covers everything from a high-profile fashion event to a lying girlfriend. Racy.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Just what we need -- another cop show. But I'll forgive this one because it doesn't seem like an ordinary LAPD storyline. A team of LA officers in Dark Blue (TNT, 10 PM) is so covert in its undercover missions that many don't recognize one of their own. The series even begins with a dead undercover FBI agent on the side of the road. Not wasting any time, are we?

The ex-playboy turned vigilante Philanthropist (NBC, 10 PM) returns to Nigeria, the setting of his epiphany, and opens an oil refinery to stimulate commerce, but not even he can prevent his dear friend Dr. Chima Balo from getting kidnapped. Poor Teddy. He has so much on his plate as it is.

The contestants of Top Chef Masters (Bravo, 10 PM) will recreate junk-food classics and make the perfect three-course mini meals. Mini meals? As in, small portions? I'm sure the chefs are well-versed in that concept.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Parents and teen pregnancy don't go hand-in-hand. And when you combine adoption, hotheaded parents and a pregnant teen who doesn't listen, that can only mean trouble. Watch it all in tonight's season finale of 16 and Pregnant (MTV, 10 PM).

Toby may not be the only gifted character on The Listener (NBC, 10 PM) when he sees a woman revive a badly injured baby. Special healing powers? Toby could steal her powers and use them to save others! Oh wait, this isn't Heroes. Or could Toby be the good version of Sylar?

Hank quarantines guests at a "bark mitzvah" (what would that even entail? Dogs?) after people come down with a serious disease in tonight's episode of Royal Pains (USA, 10 PM). Get these people some Tamiflu -- stat!

Friday, July 17, 2009

Tune in to tonight's What Not to Wear (TLC, 10 PM) to catch duo Stacy and Clinton's words of fashion wisdom as they trash (literally and figuratively) and revamp Tamara's wardrobe.

Woo-hoo! Final episode! For those of you who have made it this far, congratulations -- you just watched 26 people get murdered in a little less than three months. What other TV show can give you that? Okay, besides your standard police procedurals. And maybe Heroes when it's on a roll. And half of the series on HBO or Showtime. But among non-crime, non-shitty-superhero shows on network television, Harper's stands out. It's like a horror movie, but one where you actually have time to get to know the characters before they get axed. Usually, just when you think you're about to get to know the scantily-clad cheerleader, she gets her head cut off, and you don't really know her well enough to care. But on Harper's Island, you get to know that scantily clad cheerleader's hopes and dreams.. and then they decapitate her! Or defenestrate her. Or harpoon her to a tree.

I will not be making any jokes about Eureka today, because apparently the fandom does not like to see it mocked, so I will simply say that the second half of Season 3 starts tonight on Syfy. However, I will point out that if you're watching TV with people who are familiar with the show, flipping to Syfy at the right time and yelling "EUREKA!" really loudly would be a good gag. I will also point out that in the last episode the show's main character got fired.